Confessions of a unforgiving-holic

I must conclude that I am a prejudiced un-forgiver.

I have a list of people whom I would love never to see again nor spend time with on this earth or in eternity. And then I have a list of people whom I have decided to not open up my heart with. Both lists seem to be growing. Even though time passes, the ink of their names on that list scarcely faded. If I could work myself into it, the wrenching of my heart and the twisting of my guts would seem as fresh as yesterday. I was forced recently to examine why it had been so difficult for this “nice person” to let go.

My grudge is scarcely proportionate to what they did; and in some of these cases, their trespass is not even toward me! I could pin and point where they had erred, and how upset God will be with them. I could blow out of proportion what they had done, and lament the grief they have caused me. I could justify my “righteous anger”. Could I really?

Yet, there are other people who can do far worse things to me repeatedly, and I would willingly risk myself, hope the best of them and hold out the olive brunch time and again. How do I explain the uneven scale?

Forcing the issue down to its roots, the problem was with me and not them. I had not committed to love them- not in the patient, kind, gentle way, and definitely not in the “keep no record” spirit. I focus on the speck in their eye, despite the plank in my own. And I keep pouring salt into the tiny wound they gave. Did they deserve such harsh treatment? Who was I to throw the stone at them?

Grace is not an easy task, and it can be a stench to an unforgiving heart- I had been there for a long time and I think I am ready to quit. At the end of the day, if I had to decide if Jesus or I or they is more important, there can only be one answer. Being the forgiven is not reason sufficient for me to forgive- for I am not divine! But, Jesus loves me and He wants me to forgive them for Him- and so I will. Since He has forgiven my unrighteous anger towards them, how could I hold on to my sin? Of course, I would not become immediate chummies with those people, but I need to give up my right to restituition. I need to commit to grace. 

Forgiving and letting go is such a costly exercise. It is the pinnacle of others-centeredness. It is saying that you and our relationship are more important than me. It requires one to take everything one’s got to work through the inner demons that threaten to consume one. I am thankful for that One relationship, that will always make forgiving worth it. I am so grateful to the One whom, in order to hold on to Him, I must let others go.

I hope and pray that this is it, for this lesson, at least for a while.

Cookin'

I love cooking, especially on stressful days like this.

I get to focus on nothing else except the ingredients and my cutlery.
All I have to do is to follow instructions, throw things together, and experiment.
Life in its beautiful simplicity.

There is no need to over-think or second-guess what I do.
Even if there’s a little screw-up, I get to fix it immediately.
It is so forgiving!

It clears my head from the things that have been swimming inside all day.
My mind is usually on over-drive all the time, even when I am walking.
But when I am cooking, I get to be an “air-head”, and not think.
Precious rest from the mess.

When I am the only cook in the kitchen, I get to call the shots.
There are not too many cooks to spoil the broth for me.
No need to depend on others, no need to wait on others.
No one to disagree or make things difficult for me.

I get a yummilicious meal in a short period of time.
Creation, is so satisfying. “It is good!”
Sometimes, I even get praises from my hubby.
Sometimes, I get to share it with others.

Cooking is so therapeutic, I love it.
Will I get to cook in heaven?

Thirty-one Today!

Anne Quindlen once said “Life is not so much about beginnings and endings as it is about going on and on and on. It is about muddling through the middle”.

Reviewing my birthday entry last year, I jumped into the thirties with much anticipation. I was happy to take a more secure self along in this journey, looking forward to doing more good to the world. It was a great beginning. One year in, much of it still holds true, but I am in want of perspective and courage to not just “muddle through”.

Beginnings are always exciting- calling for one’s adventurous spirit to take on the uncharted terrain. Endings are always fruitful as one take stock of the road travelled, and hopeful as one looks toward a new beginning. The middle, is not as much fun- especially when you don’t really have a concrete idea of the destination and how long more the journey will be. If Anne Quindlen’s observation is true, how one travels through the drone is of utmost importance.

I am in the middle of my life- well, depending on how many years God gives me. I may have more years in front of me than behind me. I may be closer to the end than I know. But assuming I am in the middle, what have I done with the gifts that He has given to me in the days past? What am I to do with the days left? I fear muddling through. I fear not being good nor faithful. I fear my deafness and disobedience.

We are in the middle of our time in Trinity, and in the midst of our marriage. This next year will be a year of waiting- waiting for Him to make our next step after Trinity clear, and waiting for Him to make us parents. But it will be a pity to miss the “now” while waiting for the next beginning. Henri Nouwen says that “A lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future”. I’ve done that before, and I know how that turned out.. Have I grown better at waiting?

I am in the middle of many of my relationships and friendships. Will I do more in my relational evangelism- to move deeper into the evangelism piece? Will they count for Christ in the end?

So standing at the beginning of by 32nd year, in the middle of life, not knowing when the end will come, my prayer is to have courage and faithfulness in the small and big things- to do His will, to speak His truth, to wait patiently and live intentionally.
As a daughter wanting to please her Father, I want to be growing- moving towards His Kingdom and Christlikeness. I want to be a better helper for Arthur, to love my parents better, to be a better encouragement for my siblings and friends, and to share His love in speech and in action...

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you beause I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well... Where can I go from  your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast" (Ps 139:13-14, 7-10)

Goodbye Village Church of Lincolnshire

I have putting off this entry for a long time. Partly because it’s hard to say good-bye to this family of mine for the last 2 years; and partly because I know this blog will be for me a personal closure to this season. Even though I’ve done it many times, I still don’t like saying good-byes. I’m hoping I don’t ever have to get used to doing it.

The church family in Village Church of Lincolnshire (VCL) is one that I have always dreamed of having. She is such a restful, healing, and loving place. I know that I am forever changed because of my time there.

In honor of VCL’s mandate to “leave her fingerprints” on all who pass through, I’ll share the 7 “fingerprints” that VCL has left on me –

1. To paint with the colors that you have. God gives us what we need to have to honor Him in our situation- be content and creative with what He has given, and not bemoan what you lack. By all means, ask Him! But till He gives, paint with the colors that He has given.

2. It is possible for a church to be a restful and safe place, for God’s people in this messy world. I am not sure what it is that VCL does that makes it so- perhaps it is an outflow of who Pastor Lee is. But coming out of a hectic ministry life in Singapore, where church equals to who can I talk to and encourage today? How can I serve the Body better? What do I have to do next? I am thankful for the rest stop that God has given.

3. Yearning for heaven. As an outflow of her being a restful and safe place, it makes me look forward to the final place of rest that we all will have one day. The place where the lamb can lie with the lion, the place where there are no more tears. Pastor Lee says many times that he desires to make us all Home-sick. He sure has done that for me!

4. God’s shepherds are still at work, and Pastor Lee is one of them! The image of a shepherd is one that drives my “sheep-dog” ministry. I love shepherds who shepherd. Be not mistaken, God gives different gifts to different pastors, and they all serve the church differently. But, I love shepherds the most.
After Chen Mushi (PPC), Pastor Lee is the second person who comes to mind when I think of a shepherding pastor. But he is the first shepherd on earth who knows my name. I will never forget the first time Pastor Lee called my name in the foyer the second Sunday we met. I was moved beyond words. I am truly thankful for shepherding pastor who knows me.

5. Remember names! It is obvious from the account in #4 above why. I never knew the importance of knowing one’s name till then. I will try my best to remember names for ministry in the future. No excuse!

6. Persevering till the end. The many saints with white hair and walking sticks are living encouragements. Just looking at them, I wonder about the walk that they had with Jesus, I wonder about the battles they have fought, I wonder what they have given up to be holding on to their faith to the end, I wonder if I will be the same. My heart fills up when I see them on the pews- their presence speaks for them and their faith. I love these old saints. It is an honor to be worshipping alongside them.

7. “Church management”: a loving relationship between the pastoral team and elders board, and leaders who listen. I am impressed by the way VCL navigated through the dialogue whether or not to hire a woman as a pastoral staff in the past few months. It was difficult, and of course there are many differing opinions. But at the end of the day, I think the process was open and honest, the leaders were humble to seek out the congregation’s voice, and the church was courageous to take on the contentious topic. All the Annual Meetings were so God-honoring and encouraging! Very different from the “fiery” ones that I’m used to in Singapore :p The leaders in VCL have provided for me a godly role model of how wise leaders work together.

I did not dare believe such a community existed, but now I do! Thank you VCL for the fingerprints that you have left on me. I hope that we'll get to be together again some day, but till then I will always hold you in my heart fondly wherever I go and serve next. Praise be to God!

Moomoo Got Married!

My baby sister got married on 11 August 2012. I was not able to leave a trail earlier on this space, but how can I miss this important day?

Here’s to the precious couple once more… You’ve heard it once, you can hear it again, PLUS now I get to go longer than I actually did.. :)

We’ve all waited for this day for so long, and we are so happy for you. Both of you are so precious to us, especially to me.

Xun, God has been most generous to you. You took me for Bible Study, and God rewarded you with my “baby sister”.
You are already been part of the family life, even before this day. Thank you for how you tirelessly serve my family (which has now become yours), and me through all these years. It is my joy that you are my brother-in-Christ, and brother-in-law. :)
I know that my “girl-girl” is in good hands. She is the sister I love the most, and my best female friend ever. And as you have found out, she is like her favorite fruit. Min is like a durian- thorny and prickly on the outside, but so sweet and substantial on the inside. She has a tough exterior and a very tender interior. Handle her with care- otherwise you will get hurt too. Her sweet nature and tender heart is not seen by many immediately, but she showers you with all of that. So enjoy her, love her, cherish her and praise her. Be the servant-leader that Christ is, to her.

Min, God has been most generous to me, when He gave you to be my sister. I love growing up with you.
Thank you for all that you have given to allow us to be away, especially in serving Dad and Mum. It has not been easy but you bore it all like no one else could. And I know that this is with the help of the man beside you.
Since I described Min as a durian, it is only fair that I describe Xun as a fruit. I am not sure how much he likes peaches, but this is the best I can come up with. So bright and juicy, always the life of the party. Deep inside is a very solid core- good heart, great values but also rock-hard stubborn. Handle him with care, otherwise you will get a mess. He carries the laughter around him, but he is both very delicate and a tough nut to crack. But he has opened up himself to you like no one else. So be tender towards him, love him, treasure him and encourage him. Be the empowering helper that Christ intends for you to be.

If there were two people who were ready to be married when they started dating, it would be both of you. God has blessed the broken road that you travelled. Coming into the relationship with what you’ve experienced in the past, you know what it’s like to be committed to another. And in many ways, you were “married to each other” more than 5 years ago- psychologically, emotionally and even your daily activities and rhythm. This may take some of the sparks (both good and bad) off the initial stages of your new status of being legally married, and spiritually united. But do not be mistaken, both of you have a new status. Even though tomorrow might not have seemed too different from yesterday, both of you are going into tomorrow as a different person- “one flesh” with each other.

Do not tire of trying something new for each other and for the marriage. Things can never been too long to change. Keep working to get rid of bad habits in the way you treat each other. Remember, nothing can be too tacky or drama or complicated or fussy if it can put a smile on the other person’s face.

Know also that you are not on this journey alone. For the Christian, marriage is not about two people or two families. It is about the community too. Let others into your marriage- let God’s wisdom speak into your lives through those whom He has placed in your lives. Let them support you. There are ways that you cannot be there for each other, simply because God made the male and the female differently. Have enough humility to seek others to support you, and have enough humility to allow others to support your partner. Your marriage will be fuller because of the body of Christ.

Let your marriage be a living example to the others- of how your love each other, how you serve each other- through good days and bad, through hugs and fights, through smiles and tears. Let them see the union between Christ and the Church through you.

Both of you are now beginning a new season in your life- joining another family, and starting one on your own. God will give you what you need to play these different roles, and He will also shape you through them. Continue to be centered on Him. We love you with all our hearts, and we are filled with joy that you have started on this journey that we love and have so much fun on.

Happy Anniversary!

Finding you near me every morning- makes me want to wake up to another day with you,
Overcoming difficulties and differences together- makes the roses on the journey all the sweeter,
Understanding you more and more- makes me excited about what I'll discover tomorrow,
Resting in the love He's given to us- makes any uncertainty an adventure together.

Happy 4th Anniversary my darling!
Thank you for all that you are, and all that you do!
I evol uoy ;)

Remembering Hawaii..

A little late, but better late than never :) Leaving footprints of our travels..

Aloha! The islands beckon.
Turquois water and sparkling sand bask in the sun.
Palm trees dance to the movement of the breeze.
Oh Hawaii, you’re such a beauty.

Tranquility, is a gift once lost.
When the missiles came and ravaged your shores.
The light of the Pearl was dimmed
Hope was lost, for a little while it seemed.

Pele, goddess of fire and volcanoes.
Her fury brings forth destruction,
But leaves soils for prosperity.
The islands grow under her watch.

Mahalo, Hawaii for the memories.
There were lessons learnt,
And novelty explored.
We hope to be in your arms again someday.

A good opinion lost

It’s been such a difficult weekend. I have not felt this angry and hurt for so long. And it is surprising in so many ways, because I thought I should have gotten used to the idea of and hurt inflicted by unfaithfulness by now. But yet the rage and sadness caught me by surprised. Perhaps trying to come to terms with the idea of adultery is after all different from coming face to face with them in person.

I must first admit that my response to the complex situation has become personal, and I might have fed my reaction to a state of disproportion. But I am truly at a loss with regards to how I am to handle the sinner when I despise the sin so much. I am at a loss for grace, and desperately need some perspective in dealing with my cold cold heart.

I am aware of the plank in my eye. I am an adulterer- to my Heavenly Husband and earthly husband is so many ways when I fail to first desire them. Temptations fleet across my mind, and I need to throw myself so hard at the mercy of Christ for strength to fight them.
So I am in no position to judge the speck of adulterous dust in my brother’s eye, especially since there are so many reasons why things are the way they are today. Yet I find myself overcome with fury and distaste- so much that it hurts.

Calculated adultery is far worse than homosexuality and addiction. He is not a helpless victim to his dysfunctional state of mind. And she is not a slave to her emotions. Yet, they insistently hold hands and slide happily into the deep dark pit. Forgetting the vows of the past, and ignoring the perils that lie ahead. Sure, they may be pushed down there, but should they enjoy the ride so much?
Calculated adultery spurns on love, spits on marriage, tramples on trust, mocks loyalty and betrays another heart. It is hurtful- it cuts deeper than physical bruises, its wounds last longer than verbal abuse. Some may never recover, but for the miraculous work of God.

In all fairness, things might not be that bad. They might sincerely be planning for things to change in the future. And he has taken the first step to become accountable for his thoughts. Where is the big hearted Christian who ought to provide safety for those who want to get help? I thought she could be there, but clearly she is still not ready.

I know I forgive not because of the person, but because of what Christ has done. I know I love not based on the person’s virtues, but because one is made by God. And I know full well that I am no better than my neighbor!
Can I forgive and love, and still want nothing to do with the person? I can put it all onto Jesus’ check, and pay out the objective Christian love due. But I cannot like them. Spending time around people I dislike drains me badly. Being unable to maintain my integrity, and be honest about how I feel towards them tires me out. But of course, if I have to.. I will be nice- sweet as candy. Will this kind of forgiveness work?

God is so big, to give second chances. I honestly do not know how He does that. Perhaps the good thing out of this recent emotional drama, is to realize how disgusting adultery and unfaithfulness is. And to appreciate an ounce, what God has to overcome to forgive us- only taking it out on His Son would satisfy.
What does a second chance look like? Can I wish them well and send them along their way down the path of “may we never meet again”? There are people in my life whom (I think) I have forgiven, but have no desire to see or associate with for the rest of my life. There were 4 on that list, and now it’s 6. They may be perfectly nice people, and virtuous in many aspect; but I would be very fine if I did not have to spend another minute with them.

Can I do Marriage and Family therapy given my adverse reaction to adultery? It is such a common source of marital problem! I thought I could, having reconciled (internally) with a few of such people in my short history. Perhaps I still can, as long as they are not personal contacts- otherwise, the relationship is too complex to be objective.
In any case, they are ultimately answerable to God and their loved ones for their actions. I do not deserve nor demand their accounting.

“My good opinion once lost is lost forever” Mr Darcy said. He overcame that, could I?

Hot Potatoes (II) - Female Pastor

Things used to be a lot clearer it seems. As I think about the issue of a female pastor who teaches and preaches, I am in want to understand better the theology behind so many facets of the church life! I probably should read “Four Views of Women in Ministry” first, study the relevant Bible passages and write a paper on it to consolidate my thoughts. But here I am, thinking out loud once again.

Recounting the background of my journey thus far on this issue would be a good place to start.

PPC (my home church) had 3 female pastors on staff when I first attended. Two of them (Pastor Lau and Lijuan) are very faithful and skilled teachers of the Word, and wise counselors; while one of them is in charge of the choir. For the record, PPC has female elders too.
As a young Christian, I did not give a second thought about their presence on the pastoral staff- and neither was I aware of the controversy behind it all. But what is certain is that I had not once thought to myself that “I was being taught by a woman”. All I heard was the faithful teaching of God’s Word from the pulpit or the wise counsel from my beloved sisters. They were but vessels, and the Holy Spirit was the real teacher.

Then I started to grow deeper into the Word during my college days through Project Timothy conferences, one-on-one Bible studies with Chew Chern and Friday night services at ARPC. They opened my eyes to what the Bible says in 1Tim 2:12, and I was really convicted about women not having authority over men in church. “Oh dear! My church is sinning against God!”
Being a cell group leader then, I was convicted that I should not be teaching God’s Word to the other brothers or be seen as their “leader” either. So I tried to step down as the leader, and passed on the baton to a younger brother and arranged for the brothers to take turn leading the Bible Study. For some of them, their hearts and gifts were elsewhere, and it was evident from the teaching. And then I offered to prepare the Bible Study for them so that they could deliver it. (Who would be seen as the teacher be in this case? The one who prepared or the one who delivered?)
I then tried to speak to Lai Kein about it during a casual conversation. She challenged me to look into the passage more, and consider the cultural effects of it. Aha! I knew that was the easy way out, and was prepared with the answer I was taught “but Paul uses Adam and Eve as his justification. This has to do with God’s creational design, and not just culture!” That feeble attempt to interact with my church leaders on this led to nowhere. I was so disturbed that I contemplated leaving the church. I went church hunting, and was really close to leaving. But God never gave me the green light by knitting my heart so close to this community. So I stayed.

The female pastoral issue being a non-issue in church, and being convicted of playing my part in God’s household, I started serving and teaching actively again. I morphed my Bible Study style to be more discussion-based so that the people were led to find the truth themselves, and I was not directly “teaching” them. I tried to defer to male authority or decisions where possible (even decisions on lunch locations!), so that I was not “exercising authority” over them. I am pretty sure they never saw or felt it that way!

I lamented the absence of male commitment to God’s church- that they were too distracted by the things of the world. And I kept trying to encourage male leadership as much as possible. I tried persuading them to serve. When that failed, I tried to walk away and leave things in shambles for a while, to show them that they were needed. That did not work very well either. But over time, God changed my heart.
He gave me a heart and passion for this flock, and the gifts to serve them. Why do I keep walking away from it, and trying to push others into a position that they have no desire for? And He asked me if I ever thought myself of higher, better and more able than my brothers? Did I ever think about using my position as a leader to exercise authority over them? My answer was a clear no. At least never overtly. But whether I have whined and pleaded and played the female card to “make them comply?” Guilty as charged. :p
While I had to (and have to still... esp towards Arthur at least :p) repent of the latter, I felt free now to serve. I am a servant-leader, I serve them first, and the Holy Spirit will lead them closer to God by His grace. I am but a sheep-dog, pointing them to our Chief Shepherd. I love my brothers (and sisters), and desire for them to walk closer to God- and I will play whatever role I can to encourage that!

And then Pastor Lau became the senior pastor of PPC when Pastor Chen retired. Oh my! That’s another wrinkle thrown into the whole female-pastor thing. Till then, I could still reason that a male pastor was the head of PPC, so all the pastors fell under that “male cover”. It forced me to think even harder what my stance was.
“Ok, the elders board was predominantly male. As a Presbyterian, they were the “real ones in charge”. That could work. But.. Hmm.. no, that will not really cut it. Pastor Lau was still the more visible spiritual leader.
But when I looked at the other pastors, there was no question that she was the most suitable candidate to take over that role. There was a little too much male ego in the other pastors, and they were not ready. If it is true that one would rather be ruled by a wise Turk than a foolish Christian, then I would rather be led by a wise female than a foolish male!

So Pastor Lau took up the mantle to serve in that capacity (knowing clearly that it’s not her strongest gift), and she did in a most beautiful and God-glorifying manner. Being the senior pastor of 4 church locations was no easy feat. She had the full support and respect of the elders, but she never once portrayed as if she was exercising authority over them or anyone. Instead, I saw a humble servant who led by her model, example and life. Five years later, the church in a more stable and stronger place, and she was convicted to step down to serve in the areas where God has gifted her more strongly to do so. Her humility and obedience shone through. She was but God’s servant, and want no more than to do His will. She is no power monger!

Here I am, with so many female models in my life who showed how to lead and teach, without being an overt disrespectful female who exercised authority over men. In fact, their examples have led me to be even more willing to be submissive and step aside for male leadership. It has made me most annoyed with the “Alpha females” in the States who kept having to “prove that they can do it!”. They want to teach, they want to lead… I was bewildered and annoyed at my own sex! But that I learnt is the outcome of the oppression and negative voices they have faced all these years.- this is a separate story.

If a woman wants to teach and lead to exercise authority over man, I think that’s a problem. If a man is too proud to learn from a woman, I think that’s a problem. We are called to mutually submit to one another. It is the heart, attitude and intention that matters. And God works through whoever He wants to teach His Church.

I do have the preference for male leadership- I will admit. It is good and beautiful for God’s household to reflect His creational design. BUT should that deprive from women teaching and encouraging altogether? NO! God did not made us to be dumb vessels, but helpers! And we are most equipped to help the church- God has given us wisdom and talents, to speak to one another in psalms and encourage each other, and sometimes to teach.
For the man to tell the woman to “be silent!” or for the woman who wants to talk loudly over the man, both have to repent before God.

I must admit something must be lacking in my theology. I do not understand how some churches can allow women to teach in Sunday school, or small groups or do counseling; and not during the service. If “no teaching by women” is allowed, then it should be true for all platforms! Is the pulpit more sacred than the other sessions? God is in them all, and is glorified through them all! How does the authority level differ- other than the number of people that attends?

As Arthur said, the woman’s (anyone’s in fact) teaching would be most scrutinized on Sunday morning! So it is less likely for her to teach false or weak doctrine. She is most clearly under the “authority” of God and His Word, the Church, the elders at that time! But in the casual conversation where she is counseling another- a man or woman, who is there to check what she is saying? Who sees her “authority cover” other than that the other person?
I always see the Holy Spirit as the true Teacher behind the vessel, and so the form that the vessel takes does not matter as long as he/she is faithful and sits under the authority of the Word?
And if Christ is the Head of the Church, we all are following Him and not the pastor in church. Does the form of the pastor- male/ female matter? He/she ought not to lead if he/she is not walking with God, and not because of the gender!

Sorry to be rambling for so long. The above is a sharing more from my experience and opinion, more than from God’s Word. But I believe that He works in them all, and He is still teaching and shaping me. I still stand to be corrected.
I’ve gotta ask Paul when I see him in heaven in the future- what exactly did he mean in his letter to Timothy? Was he addressing a specific situation in the church then, or not? He sure left the church in confusion- though I am sure that his epistle had helped many as well.

Hot Potato (I) - Homosexuality

There are two hot potatoes that have been jumping around recently. So here I am to “think-out-loud” on them. This is not a scholastic attempt, nor a defense on my position (hmm.. not sure if there is a solid one). Rather I have taken the liberty that this space affords, to process my views on the matter.
Before I begin, I must recognize that my stance has evolved over the years- I am sure that they will continue to change as God works in me. And as I talk with others about them, I realize that there is so much that I do not know or much that I have not considered. So I pray that you will hear me out with an open heart, converse with me as you are willing, and sharpen me!

This first hot potato relates to President Obama’s “endorsement” of gay marriages recently.

Do I think homosexuality is wrong? Yes! The sin is clear as daylight in the Bible.
Am I shocked that President Obama “supports” homosexuality? Sad, but not at all. With the direction that morality in this world is heading, is it so surprising that we have come to this?
Should President Obama be burnt for making that statement? I am not sure… Actually, I don’t think so.

I am not him, so I am not entirely aware of what made him declare his “support”- is it motivated by politics (as he gains some voters, he would also lose some)? Or in attempt to curb oppression on that population (as he so said)? Or perhaps a bit of both?

The GLBT population and their supporters had been so loud in the recent decades, I had honestly been annoyed at them- be it repealing Article 377A in Singapore, Glee, Brad and Angelina not getting married till homosexuals can as well… I could not understand why they had to “fight for their rights” incessantly. Their protests for acceptance flaunt their sin- they ought to be judged twice over!
The church can hate the sin, but still demonstrate Christ’s love to the sinner. Hopefully, they can be won over by the Gospel and repent. If they are unable to change their orientation, they can at least try to exercise self-control and not actively practice sexual behavior. BUT the sinner must be in a position of humility, silent and definitely NOT assertive! Their loud demonstrations left me no sympathy for them.

What I had completely been blindsided by, is the oppression that this population faced. If I had not taken my multicultural class this semester, and be challenged by the injustice that had been afflicted on this group and my own discriminatory attitudes, I might have had no qualms to “cast the stone” at President Obama.

The GLBT populace faces rejection by family and friends, the refusal of medical care and treatment, public assault, etc. GLBT couples were denied hospital visitations to their partner because the hospital would not recognize their relationship. The professional standards are trying to not discriminate- like by telling counselors that they cannot refer clients out simply due to their sexual orientation. But students are clearly struggling with wanting to help or counsel them.
How could they not feel the attack on their worth and rights as a person? Are they wrong to desire the “normal” rights as any other person- medical treatment and professional help? By desiring for their silence, am I not invalidating the oppression that they have felt for so long as a minority? And why should their sin be judged more severely by the general public or suffer worse consequences than say- the adulterer?

I desire for the sinners to come out of the closet, as a first step towards Christ’s light. But is the environment truly safe enough? If I see injustice being directed at them, will I stand up for their rights? What can I do?

No doubt that marriage is first of all a spiritual institution- given by God to a man and woman. So to that extent, the church should not and cannot endorse, support or solemnize a gay marriage. How that plays out is a separate topic altogether (will the church turn away a gay couple who wants to attend pre-marital counseling?).
But marriage in today’s cultural context is also a social, cultural and legal phenomenon, and the society has given certain rights only to married people. Are marriages that are not sealed by a vow before God sacred? Should they hold the same significance as that of a marriage among Christians? Is there a distinction between a marriage endorsed by the church vs. one that is endorsed by the state? I think there is!

The US Constitution promotes the separation of the church and the state, and a role of the government is to protect the rights of the minority so they do not suffer under the hands of the majority. If “the only” way to alleviate certain discriminatory actions against homosexuals is to recognize their relationship socially by giving them certain legal rights, should this last resort be damned?

Some argue that President Obama is setting a bad example as a leader, and his actions seem to promote sin. But I am not persuaded that President Obama’s support has done anything dramatic to change the GLBT scene. They have always been there- they might have hid in the closets, but they are there! Will there be more GLBT couples as a result? Perhaps, more might feel free to come out but not in actuality.

I am not saying that the end justify the means. And it is easy to bemoan and judge President Obama’s action as a trade of his faith in return for political chips. But, I’m really not sure I have a right to point the finger. For a man who is trying to do right by a marginalized group, his efforts and intentions ought to weigh something before burning him on a stake. How shall the Christian react to the oppression placed on the sinner? How can we stand up for/ do something about injustice whilst not condoning the sin? Does anyone have a better idea or louder voice than the President?

Finishing Well

For all my prayers for all the students to “finish well and strong this semester”, I did not hold up my end of the equation. The semester is over, but my terrible attitude still haunts me.

Sure, I was tired. After writing 14 pages, I was about done with my paper. I edited the paper once through, and could bear to read it no more. So I turned it in with a bunch of embarrassing mistakes- 5 days ahead of the deadline. Even the professor came back with “your proof-reading was not as good as the first time”. OUCH.
Why could I not have waited and re-read it 3 days later, and I am sure I could have spotted and fixed the errors?!

Sure, I was ready to be done. I want to get over the test, that’s all that mattered. So I could not be bothered to read through my notes once more, nor go over my answers again before submitting the answers. And there! With 35 minutes on the clock, I submitted the test. 9 mistakes out of 60. I’m not sure if I would have answered any of them differently, I might have.
But what eats me is that- I could have put in more effort: review the notes one more time, review all my answers once through- why didn’t I?!

It makes it all the harder, when I loved the classes, and to not put in that last ounce of effort to finish well? ARGH!!!
It’s not so much the grades that agonize me.
It’s knowing that I could have done better, and did not.
It’s knowing that my impatience caused me to fail to honor the class, the professor and God (!!) the way they deserved.
It’s regret that is teaching me this painful lesson now.

The fruit is for God to give, but as long as I have done my duty to plant and water, I have no regrets.
God taught me half of the equation last time around- to leave the results to Him and not personalize every success or failure.
I guess it’s time to learn the second half of the equation- to be faithful in whatever I do, no matter the circumstance. Planting, watering or sowing- do it all for His glory. Gotta have perspective and patience!

Nevertheless, thank You Lord for all that You’ve taught me this semester, thank You for this break, and thank You for the semester to come.

Till then, Summer holidays, here I come!

A little reminder...

1. It is possible to pastor a huge church and not love God.
2. It is possible to design and preside over perfectly conceived and executed worship services and not love God.
3. It is possible to preach insightful, biblical, Christ-exalting sermons and not love God
4. It is even possible to write books that deepen others' love for God and not love God.
---Kent Hughes

And indeed,
It is possible to go to church and not love God.
It is possible to engage in the worship service and not love God.
It is possible to listen to the sermon and not love God.
It is even possible to read books about deepening my love for God
and not love God.

How am I loving God today?
Have I thought of Him of late?
Do I just know His Book?
Or how loving Him looks?
Is my heart knitted with His?
And my mind in His restful bliss?
Whether I sit or eat or talk or pray,
May I not forget to love Him every step of the way.

The name of the game

I don’t like competition. This is why I cannot play competitive sports, and competitive people do not like to play with me either.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the feeling of winning- who doesn’t? But surely, there can be win-win situations? And surely surely, winning does not always have to be at the expense of others. And surely surely surely, winning has to be done fair and square right?

This is why I was having a hard day in the office this afternoon, it’s not the first this has happened, but my frustration has reached its threshold.

So the company has been poaching staff from other competitors- sure no problem, I’m sure they came here voluntarily as well. But that’s ok, selling is selling. May the salesman with be best skills win.
But then, to have propriety information from competitors, circulating them- using that as a benchmark to copy- that’s just not cool. And knowing that the source of the info is from a friend, makes it even harder. I cannot say I’m surprised, I expected it from them and I expected it from him, which is why I did not want to bring anything over. I don’t want to have to give them that info or lie that “I don’t have it”.
Worst of all, I’m being asked constantly “how TR does this?” I’m reluctant to answer directly, but I can’t not answer as well.

I guess it’s normal to “play dirty” to get ahead. And perhaps, some might argue that it’s not playing dirty. Market rule dictates. They pay for the talent. And some of these things are public knowledge to some extent, or given by a prospective client they're trying to steal. But it just feels dirty. Having the info is not wrong or bad, but how one gets it matter! Use it only if you can find it on the web!

But I know my problem is that they are “stealing from TR”. I have no sympathies about the people they got from other firms like BB or CapIQ. My heart is still really there, and I want to go back and tell them to get their act together!!
And that’s why I’m going to follow up heart this time. I hope it works out. Even if I’m “sealing my career”, getting into a big fat mess, or risking get laid off, so be it. It will be in God’s hands. How often does one find something that one truly cares about, and be willing to roll in the deep for it? And of course it doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to be home more, and get more freedom. Yay!

One big lesson for me: I don’t like competition, especially dirty competition. And I am too “loyal” or “sentimental”, to betray my roots or where I come from. If I ever change my job or company again, I can’t do something too similar- otherwise there will always be these ethically hazy grounds I’ll be thrust into again.

And so indeed, the decision has been made. Sharing this here, makes it more settled for me. Now it’s fingers crossed, and I hope things go through!

Good bye Ah-Ma

Good bye, grandma. I’ll miss you. You are such a remarkable mother. You rode the junk boat from China to Singapore to look for grandpa all by yourself. You lived through World War II. You raised all 9 children by yourself after grandpa died, you never remarried. You ran a bicycle shop, paid off grandpa’s debts, and sent all of your children through college, single-handedly. You raised them well- to be men and women of good values, and you were a great mother-in-law. You are so dear to them.

Good bye grandma, I’ll miss you. You are a wonderful grandmother.
You shielded me from mummy’s strokes of cane, you took me to go marketing. You cooked so many delicious meals, and left us wonderful recipes. You showed strength through your recovery from your accident, and you wanted so much to be independent. You held on for so long, even through the last few years. You were a wonderful grandmother. You are so dear to me.

I wish I remember more of the things we did together, I wish we were living together in the last days of your life. I asked you more questions about your stories and sat by you and listened more. I wish life had be easier on you, I wish the motorcycle did not knock you down. I wish you did not have to be confined to a room, and then a bed. I wish death had been easier for you. I’ll miss you Ah-ma.

Now my hope is in God, that in those last days when no one could reach you, He reached down deep inside and saved you. That He who would never judge unjustly, would be merciful to us all. I hope to see you again someday, and I hope we’ll be together again.

Sorry that I am not there to remember you with the rest of the family, but you will always be in my heart. I love you Ah-ma. I miss you.

Good Friday

Why is this night different from all the other nights?
Why is this day different from all the other days?

It was the night that You saved Your people from slavery
It was the day You marched them into freedom and towards Your Promised Land.
It was the night when blood was shed to escape death
It was the day Your promises to the patriarchs were fulfilled.

It was the night that You were betrayed by those You love
It was the day You were crucified and forsaken.
It was the night Your obedience to the Father’s will brought You sorrow
It was the day Your death brought us life.

It was the night we were saved from our slavery to sin
It was the day we had a chance at true freedom and Your new creation
It was the night we catch a glimpse of what obedience to the Father meant
It was the day our Lord was nailed to a cross.

This is the night we remember who You are to us
This is the day we remember what You have done for us
This is the night that reminds us of the night within us
This is the day that reminds us of the Light You have put in us.

Are You here yet Lord?
When will You come to visit us again?

Another round in the woods

One’s values are truly tested when faced with a choice. And when feeling humans are up against the corporation, the odds seem doomed.

For many years now, I thought that I’ve figured out the role of work in my life. That it is primarily a means that God has given to provide for my family, and an avenue to glorify Him in my attitudes and relationships with my colleagues. It is a school in which He uses to teach us lessons about contentment, and a way He may surprise us by providing us with unexpected joy in our toil.
If that were true, why was I frustrated by the idea of me and my work “not going anywhere” in TR? Do I have hidden ambition that I am clueless about? I don’t think I have crazy ambitions, but what on earth do I want out of my work?

And I thought I figured out how to make decisions within God’s permissive will. I used to quip, “Take the journey with God, and He will impress upon your heart and lead you to where He wants you to be”. Yet, I feel completely lost in my current predicament still (yes, TR contacted me again). What happens when my head and my heart are in different places? Perhaps I’m really “far from Him” right now, but can He please take over and have His will be done?

The reasons why I want to go back to TR are out of my sentimentality for the people there, and my desire to help out in the difficult situation the project is in right now. It’s going to be frustrating, difficult, a “death sentence” on my career possibly by making yet another lateral move, and a ride in a “sinking ship”. No one who has left ever wants to go back, I’m told. And people whom I like may leave and change, and the company will not have any sentimentality when they put down the axe.
All in all, it really makes no sense for me to return- perhaps the draw of working with people whom I admire and like, the slightly higher salary, more flexibility, working from home fully, be challenged and business trips to places I like. Isn’t this all worth it?

The reasons I should stay in M* is that it will be better for my career, the work is easier, the company is in a better place, I could get to try my hands at management to see if it’s a good fit, I’m in the middle of projects- I’ll let another team down by leaving them halfway, and I cannot think of any push factors. But I’m resisting opening my heart to the company and people here. I am not miserable, and I do like some of the people here. I guess I could survive and try to enjoy myself, but I’ll always be thinking of the people I left behind.

Pray tell now, what shall I do? I made a decision with my head once previously, and now another opportunity is presenting itself. Why? Should I try going with my heart this time? Or am I just being silly?

One lesson I have learnt for sure- empathy when people are struggling with decision-making. It can be so hard, so distracting.

Want to know God's will for your life?
"Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God" (Kevin DeYoung)

“ The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. ”
— John Milton

Lessons from walking in the dark

It’s been quite a long couple of weeks. A long winding journey in the woods, with me feeling lost and distracted as I “take steps in the dark”. And I’m still trying to process the lessons He would have my heart and mind learn through this.

For those who do not know, I’ve had yet another episode of work saga in the last month. I’ve struggled with my loss of flexibility in my new company (M*) for a long time, and with the work nature and environment very different from what I expected, I thought of going back to my old company (TR). Just when I decided to put that option to rest, my ex-manager called me up and asked if I would consider going back. I figured it will not hurt to hear what she has to offer. I thought God was giving me a second chance when I learnt to be content where i was.
My heart very much wanted to go back to TR, but my head knows that M* would be a better place. I’m thankful for the many wise voices in my life. I almost took the offer to return, but in the end, I decided to stay in M* as they agreed to give me some flexibility.

It was a very distracting process, and all I could think of during that whole month when I had some down time was the choice. Arthur and I spent many hours talking the issue to the ground. Until the end, we were both exhausted. Especially myself, I was so lost. I found myself incapable of bringing that issue to God, without going down the rabbit trail. All I thought of was myself. I knew I should, and I wanted to, find God, hear from Him, take the journey with Him; but I could not. I kept walking, groping in the dark, hitting walls.

As a result of being lost, I could not see the picture clearly. I knew I was like an Israelite wanting to go back to Egypt. But then I also rationalized that I could be the prodigal daughter, who should not be afraid to return, if my first choice was wrong. Yet, I could never forget the firm conviction of going to M* then. So what was I to do? Maybe there is no right or wrong choice here, but how should I choose? Which spiritual picture was my true reality? I tried using coin tossing to determine God’s choice, and tried reading His signs in the stars. They all pointed to what my heart wanted.

Despite the strong urgings of my heart, I could not shake off what my head was telling me. In the last moment, I decided to go with my head. I am not proud of the choice, struggled with whether i was disobeying God, but knew my only choice at this point is to trust Him and move forward.

I wish I could say this have been a spiritual journey, but I think I failed badly at this test. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient. 2 lessons I hope to learn from this -
1. If there is no clear conviction to move, stay where you are right now. His call to leave will come very clearly. There may be uncertainty or doubt, but getting self-absorbed about it, is not a place where He wants us to be.
2. He leads BOTH in our hearts and mind. If your heart is cluttered, and because the heart can be so deceitful, trust that He has given us mental faculties to do rational decision-making. Take courage and follow your head, as long as their motivations before Him are pure. He will align our hearts in time. Our brains are a gift from Him too you know!

Sitting here now, I know that God is gracious in this process. In the end, I got the flexibility I needed, with the M* management getting to know what is important to me and my “problems” in the coming months; in a much better working environment. But I came in this close, to going back to TR. Perhaps, going back would have worked out well too, coz He always works things out.
I am not overwhelmed by His gracious guidance at this point yet, but I know it will all become clear further down the road. For now, I am at rest and content with the silent peace He has come to place in my heart.

What can I say

How can i make her see
He means so much to me
That I cannot possibly choose
Between them two

How can i make him see
She is so important to me
That my heart breaks
At her insanity

How can i make her see
She too has some responsibility
For the way he has always been
For things to change in the future unseen

How can I make him see
He has his share of duty
For who she is yesterday till today
For her tomorrow to be grey or gay

How can i make them see
Their cycles have rendered us weary
We border between numbness and pain
Hope seems increasingly faint

How can i make You see
Only You hold out the promise
Please, things can't remain the same
How long more the seeking in Your Name

Man's search for Meaning

Viktor E. Frankl had been my friend on the train rides recently. In his quest to answer Man’s Search for Meaning, he recounts his time in Auschwitz and his insights on logotherapy. Central to his theory, and affirmed by his harrowing experiences, is the conviction that the primary drive for man is not the pursuit of pleasure, but the pursuit of meaning.

And this search is a timeless one. Be it in the 1940s during World War II, or today in 2012 during times or relative peace, the existential question is asked over and over again.
“What is the point of staying alive, when the future is but fraught with fear and uncertainty of when I will be sent to the gas chamber?”
“What is the point of my work and my days, when I do not know what I am rushing for?”

I resonated with much of what Viktor has shared. Instead of clumsily trying to express what he has shared, I shall share some of my favourite quotes/ ideas from this wonderful literature itself.

1. On the meaning of life

• “It is we ourselves who must answer the questions that life asks of us, and to these questions we can respond only by being responsible for our existence.”
• Frankl quotes from Nietzsche “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how”

 2. On how to live

• “I do not forget any good deed done to me, and I do not carry a grudge for a bad one”.
• Frankl’s imperative: “Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now”
• Make the best possible use of each moment of our lives. The opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibility of our lives.
• “The person who attacks the problems of life actively.. can reflect on the life he has already lived to the fullest..” It does not mater if he is noticing that he is growing old, nor have any reason to envy the young, nor wax nostalgic over his own lost youth. For he can say, “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.”

3. On suffering and how to suffer

• Know how to suffer- since suffering is inevitable.
• In the walls of Auschwitz, it made him realize that no matter what happened, he retained the freedom to choose how to respond to his suffering. It is not just an option, but every person’s responsibility to choose “the way in which he bears his burden”.

4. On man

• “So let us be alert- alert in a twofold sense: Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake”
• “Man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips”

Closing in on 2011

When I stand here and look back at 2011 as it slips away, I feel the excitement of starting out on a journey that I have no map for. It’s like being in the womb, getting ready for re-birth- I know God is doing something in our hearts, minds and lives through all the experiences He has given to us.

Even though I am enjoying it and my heart is full of joy in the midst of it- this is not to say that there are not moments when I’m not kicking and screaming; I know for sure that I would be choked with gratitude and amazement down the road when I see his plan unfold further. This would perhaps be the best summation of my 2011.

Magazines draw up lists with their annual swan issue, and I will not be outdone. So here are some of my lists.

Ten things I'd like to remember about 2011

1. Visit to Bemidgi – meeting Grammy for the first time, snow-mobiling, playing games with Uncle Vic, Aunt Carol, Aunt Marty and meeting Dave’s beautiful family.

2. Ice-skating – it was one of my goals to learn how to ice-skate last winter, and I am proud to say that after several trips to the rink, at least I can ice-walk and ice-glide. Thanks to my ever patient husband cum ice skating instructor.

3. Min’s visit – loved being able to share my love of New York and Chicago with her. Every experience will only be made complete having shared it with Arthur and her, thank you for coming Moo Moo!

4. Saying good-bye to New York and San Francisco – I’m not sure when I’ll ever set foot to these 2 cities that I’ve come to know and love. Saying good-bye to TR meant saying good-bye to business trips to these 2 cities as well. I’ll miss them.

5. Family moments/ weekend – there are numerous memorable family memories this year: visiting Albuquerque and Peoria, the whole Kok gang descending in Chicago for David’s wedding, having the family in our tiny apartment, Thanksgiving tradition @ Ed & Lucy’s, seeing the Christmas lights with Dad, Mum and Susan, Christmas fun especially with Katie, Luke and AnnE of Green Gables.

6. Trinity – I cannot believe that I just started school in January! Some classes that have made the most impact to-date are: Counseling skills, Group Counseling, Ministry Ethics, Biblical Theology, and Preaching for Partners. I know they have changed me, and will continue working in me in the days to come.

7. Changing jobs – What shall I say? Three months into it has made me more sympathetic to the Israelites than ever before. I still love and miss my ex-colleagues there dearly, and turning back is more than a fleeting thought. Nonetheless, I know this whole experience is ordained and worth-it. How would I know how it feels like to be a newbie, to regret, to doubt and complain about His gift & guidance? But I’m still kicking and screaming, and not out of my vocational crisis yet.

8. Bryan’s death – “I’ll miss you Bryan, and you will always be one of the best mangers I’ve had. Thank you for bringing me to the States, and teaching me so much by the example that you are. I still cannot believe you’re gone. Good-bye, Bryan.”

9. VCL – week by week, my attachment to this church family grows. Through ministry, fellowship, and fun events, I love getting to know the names, faces and stories behind each person. God has been so gracious in giving us this healing and nurturing community!

10. Hosting – all the guests we’ve had this year, for meals or stay-overs! We are thankful that God has given us the gifts, opportunities and love for the hospitality ministry. We sure hope that this will be a long-term ministry for our family.

Ten Hope-to-Dos in 2012

1. Getting pregnant – yes, it’s right up there on our list and you heard it from here. No more speculation and nagging! It’s a huge faith journey, and I’m still praying for enough faith to embark on this. Please keep us and our unborn little one in prayer.

2. Skiing – Yes, a couple of items on this list has to do with #1. I’m hoping to squeeze this one in this crazy winter though I would most likely be tumbling down the hills…

3. Practicum – I’m really looking forward to my Counseling practicum, to consolidate the learnings thus far, and to gain more experience in this part of ministry.

4. Cutting down on carbs and sugars – this has very little to do with vanity, really. Rather, training of the will-power and self-control. I have at least 5 chocolate feeding times each day in 2011, trying to cut it down to one feeding time in 2012.

5. Consistent Quiet Time – not very good about it this year. Will need to make it the first thing I do on the train-ride.

6. Exercise – Will need to figure a new routine given the new work arrangement. At least three times a week!

7. Watching a musical/ production – keeping with the yearly tradition…

8. Reading 2 fiction books – I’m not always good about picking out fiction books to read. Need to build that back into my life.

9. Read Steve Job’s autobiography

10. Making one new dish a month – I’ll discount accidental creations, and would try my best to follow recipes! :)

Your holiness and my loneliness

I was hungry and you held meetings to discuss my hunger
I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to pray for my release
I was persecuted and you explained to me how Christ was persecuted
I was sick and you knelt down and thanked God for your health
I was homeless and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God
I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me
You seem so holy and I am still very lonely

One month in...

Hi there!

It has been a month since I started at Morningstar. If I had a chance to have coffee with you, I’m sure you’ll be asking me how it has been. So I’m going to have this cup of coffee with you, sipping slowly miles across the oceans.

It had been 8 years since I started at a new company, so I have forgotten what it is like to be the “new person”. I missed my old colleagues a LOT a LOT in the first 2 weeks. Coming from a place where people knew you, liked you and you have worked so well with, to a place where people did not know you and possibly saw you as a threat. I felt like the Israelite who wanted to go back to Egypt- things were better back then! At this point, I feel a little more settled in, but still convinced that what I had at TR was so special, things will never be the same.

Work is somewhat easier here, since it’s not a new game. So I’m kinda bored and unchallenged. Truth be told, I have very little motivation to push myself to do more. I miss bouncing ideas off more experienced people, be pushed to consider an alternative perspectives, colleagues whom I genuinely like working with and would go the distance for them. And I guess, what I had been involved prior had been so massive and challenging, that peanuts are just boring now.

On one hand, having experience and being good at something is a good thing; but I would hate to be stuck doing the same thing. Then again, it’s just the first month. So I hope I’ll get a change some day- after all, that was what I came here for.

I also realized that I have been thoroughly spoilt. I was very disgruntled when my manager’s manager made such a big deal about my flexibility request, escalating it all the way up to senior management. So much for priding itself on being a flexible company! Cognitively, I understand where they are coming from, they don’t know me well enough, and I’m making all sorts of demands even before proving myself. But still… Lesson learnt: it’s not enough to have verbal agreement during the interview process, ensure every request is written into the contract!

I’m starting to sound really whiney, aren’t I? Ok.. things are not that bad- there are some other spiritual lessons I’ve learnt and blessings I can count apart from the above.

Initially I was a little concerned reporting to my very good friend. Though I was not thrilled then, I am thankful for it now. God in some ways had arranged for Jung-min to come and help ease things for me! All the way from New York, to come and be my friend in the company, and an advocate in helping me with all the HR and managerial hoops I had to jump through for my flexibility requirements. I thought I could count on my abilities to get what I need and want, but who knows what could have happened? And coming from a merit-based system in Singapore and being confident that I “earned my stripes” in TR, I am not sure if I’ve ever had, or appreciated having a friend and advocate… But now I do. A friend and an advocate- it’s so precious that we have them! Transferring that to the Friend and Advocate we have in Jesus, who is infinitely more able, our salvation is secure!

I am happy that I get to leave my work behind when I shut down- much lesser stress from work. I am enjoying my train rides and walks down to the office too- there’s much to do, listen to, watch and pray about. And I am catching glimpses of desires to honor Him in my work, and be a good testimony- help me Lord to think every thought for You!

Going on Thirty

So I've hit the Big 3; and I'm late for this blog post by 14 days. Sorry! Been a little too busy- with starting in my new job, keeping up with school work, the many monthly ministry commitments, and all the ad-hoc fun stuff we are "obligated" to do. This is pretty much the story of my life these days. But it's good that this old friend keeps me in check; and stealing some time to do this, is important and good and very much needed.
 
I am amazed at what God can do in thirty years. I am still a very messy lump of clay no doubt, but I'm thankful the Potter is still keeping me in His hands and all that He has done in moulding me till this very day. From an infant who needs to be fed and taken care of, to a rebellious child who has done much wrong, to a teenage girl with poor self-identity, to a young woman whom God sought despite her sin and ignorance, to a thirty-year-old who knows who she is today in Christ, and excited to see what God will do in her every tomorrow.

So who am I at thirty?
1. Feeling fairly comfortable with myself, my self-awareness, my coping mechanisms, my looks and my imperfections. I still have insecurities and questions about all these things, but at least I don't second guess myself for too long or too much any more- usually.
2. Feeling like I am at the prime of my life, that there is so much more I can offer to this world which has so many needs. And I'm still trying to find what it is. The tension between practical comforts and spiritual fulfillment; between being grounded and a naive dreamer- the time will come when it will all come together. I have faith. One day. Some day.
3. Feeling very loved, blessed and affirmed. All the above would not have been possible if God had not given me every single person I have, and ever had in my life.. especially the man who loves me and believes in me more than I believe in myself; and the sister who knows me and is always there for me.
4. Looking forward to growing old- because I am learning that there is no short-cut to wisdom. I love every step He's led me; and I know i still have a long way to go. There is so much to learn in the school of life. I pray He'll lead me to places, and open my eyes to the way He wants my heart to break for the broken-ness He sees.
5. Looking forward to the joys of parenting some time in the few years- God willing; but also knowing that I will never stop feeling like the little girl who is trying to learn to do what she's doing.

So here's where I am today... Thank you for being interested in me enough to read this- it means a lot that you are in my life. I thank God for you, and I love you!

Funny little things... called TEETH

Ever wondered why God created the human teeth the way He did? These funny (painful) little things.

The baby experiences so much discomfort during the teething stage. Fever, pain and non-stop crying. And finally the tiny milk teeth pops out and they last only about a decade. All the stories about losing those early pearlies- Crunch on an apple! Tie the tooth to the door knob and slam the door shut! Better to lose them early so you can still tell your parents you believe in the tooth fairy...
It's always fun to skip classes, but every student would tell you that they would rather sit in class than be summoned by the school dental nurse. Sitting on that dental chair, having the bright spotlight shine on your face, all the metallic tools that makes sounds like fingernails scratching across a blackboard- how can anyone's growing up years not be scarred by visits to the dentist?

And then the adult teeth. Where shall I begin?
I think most people are not blessed with perfect photogenic teeth. Someone should do a poll some time. I don't think I need to elaborate on the pain associated with orthodontics.
There's bound to be some decay at some point- not all the brushing, flossing, scaling and polishing could have saved you from that. And when the decay gets bad enough, you will need a root canal and a crown. Both the endodontist and general dentist visits will cost you an arm and a leg.
But it's not just about the money, little did you realize that you have so many nerves in the teeth region connecting to your brain! And the nerves in the upper and lower jaw are lined up very differently. So you have this terrible terrible headache that will not stop throbbing when you get a bad decay. Ouch.. Only painkillers will help.

I wonder about people living in the old times, before dentistry is as advanced as it is today. Maybe a lot of people just live with perpetual pain when they have problems with their teeth- that's why they have a lower quality of life. Maybe they just keep chewing cocaine. Maybe some of them do die from terrible dental issues.

It's not like you get to keep the adult teeth forever. If you live long enough, eventually you'll need dentures- unless you're like my grandmother who still has most of her teeth with her at the ripe old age of 89.


Why did God create teeth the way He did? I don't understand.. If I were Him, I would surely not create these tiny pieces of calcium in man's mouth to be so sensitive.. Maybe I need to meditate more, there must be a reason somewhere. This is probably a time when I am thankful that we don't just know God from general revelation, otherwise I would find Him beyond reason and comprehension... Not that that isn't the norm...
I'm THRILLED that we have no need for doctors and dentists in heaven.. 

Signing off from TR

This is an important day... After 7 years in Thomson Reuters, this chapter of my life is closed. It has been such an incredible journey- yet another masterpiece of His.

Getting to know the name "Reuters" since I was 10 when my Primary school English teacher made us do newpaper clip reviews. It stuck with me ever since, having affections towards what the brand stands for- journalism and integrity. At a Bible Study in Upper Bukit Timah road, I got to learn that a sister Janice was working there. She told me about the Christian community there, and the good working hours- being in audit then, I wished I was working there. And a year later, I saw their ad to hire, and there was just this feeling that God is making our paths cross for a reason. And indeed, He did.

Needless to say, even though I "stayed within the same chapter" professionally- TR witnessed the turning of my many life chapters. My first relationship, my heartbreak, my Beijing adventure, being united with my soul mate, getting married, moving to Chicago. TR brought along many unique experiences- working with "a church-mate" (guess who?), lunch time workouts, participating in setting up of a new site, international work culture, all the travelling and the list goes on.. God has weaved such a beautiful journey, using TR to give me time for family, ministry and friends in Singapore, bringing me to Beijing and Chicago, and through it all provided for my family. Thank you Lord!

And from a work perspective, God has also blessed me so richly through my working experience there. Such wonderful colleagues and bosses- many of whom I now call friends; opportunities to learn and grow- albeit that's through rolling up my sleeves and getting my hands dirty; and minimal politicking such that I need not waste my energies with games and can just focus on being a diligent testimony for Him. Looking back at some rough batches, late hours and trying times- thank you Lord for leading me through!
Cross my heart, I dare say that the days when I love my work outnumbers days when I dread it by much... "A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil, This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment" (Ecc 2:24-25) Thank you Lord!

I love Thomson Reuters, I really do.. It will always have a special place in my life and my heart.. Thank you Lord!

Catching Up...

Much has happened of late, and I had not the time to reminisce with my old friend here in this space till now. This is perhaps why I like the airport. Getting all the waiting in line and crazy security checks out of the way, there’s usually some cushion before you board the plane. And it is here that I get time to be with myself.

I’m feeling nostalgic today- maybe because this may possibly be good-bye to San Francisco and colleagues I’m very fond of working with. Or maybe it’s the end of a very intense business trip, and I’m just feeling tired and ready to unwind. I’m processing some low-key moments in the past few months. You might like to come back another day if reading blue notes aren’t exactly what you’re feeling like right now.

In loving memory of my Bible and Narayana blue-and-white striped pouch. I’m still sad when I think about the book that has kept me company for more than a decade. Surviving being soaked in the rain, my highlights and note-making in the margin, the front cover and content page falling out. Having gone with me on all my trips, conferences, services, bible studies and small groups- I miss my lost Bible dearly. I don’t even know where it is, or how I lost it- it’s just so bizarre. I remember the day vividly, carrying it out with me from service, church picnic, Lake Michigan and car wash.. But about my bible, that it’s just a total blank. Where could it be? Even the good it might be doing someone else gives me no comfort- I’d exchange a new Bible with you if you have my old one gladly!
The only thing that’s giving me comfort is that Daddy wants me to break into His Word again, and get the glossy pages creased and used again. Yes, Daddy- I hear you.

The trip to Yosemite had been most disappointing. We went through so much to get there- waking up early, taking the BART, taking the air bus, taking a shuttle, renting a car, driving for 5 hours.. To get there, catch but a glimpse of what could have been. Still wondering how the valleys would have looked like. This experience seared in me acutely that the destination matters. Most of the time, I treasure the journey more than the goal, the process more than the fruit. But the disappointment this time had sparked much in me and I’ll carry these “pearls of wisdom” for a long time.
Be as rational and level headed in decision making as you can. Ask why you are feeling what you are feeling, and try to divorce past negative experiences from the current decision. Otherwise, you might make a decision you’d regret.
Persevere, don’t give up too soon. Don’t give up on the faith journey and throw in the towel at heaven’s gates. Use every ounce of courage and strength to hang on, or you’ll suffer the thought of “coming so close and not make it” for long.

I have this overwhelming sense that I love Jesus, but not enough. Spending little time with Him, still needing to teach joy to my heart when giving bites into my comfort, wishing to transcend my superficialities, struggling to have a pure and unadulterated love, finding it hard to make Him my pride and obsession. It’s time for some surgery, I can feel it. It’s time.

Xiu Speaks..

It's his smile and eyes every day
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that i'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way

All the times i have sat and stared
As he gently lays on my lap
And he closes his eyes, leaves his cares all behind,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say

Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Coz he’s all that I see and he’s all that I need
And i'm out of my league once again

It's a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me
As the world spins around him as he laughs, rolls his eyes
And i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
Coz i love him with all that i am

And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But i'd rather be here than on land
Yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
And i'm out of my league once again

Happy Anniversary honey!
Thank you Daddy for another wonderful year You have given to us... Thank You for everything, thank You for him..

The Break-Up

My decision is final. After giving Octopus the second chance, I am more certain of my decision than ever.


Hints of the crack in the relationship surfaced during my trip to San Francisco. I was at Pier 33, ordered a portion of the calamari salad. The first few bites were delicious, the next few bites made me wonder if I over-rated the dish, and by the time I was done with it- I could not bear to put another calamari ring into my mouth.

Things started to fall apart with my order of 2 Octopus and Squid based anti-pasti during a business lunch. They were delicious, but by the end of that meal- I was all Octopus-ed up that I swore I would stay away from Octopus for another month.

I was devastated, because after my relationship with Shrimp and Prawns ended, Octopus was my next love and the safe heaven to which I always turn to when I want a seafood pick me up.

I decided to give Octopus another chance at the Japanese buffet over the weekend. Chewing him no longer gave me the same satisfaction. It was boring, uneventful and far from deliciousness. Octopus no longer worked for me, so I decided to break up with him. I might perhaps see and taste him every now and then, but our relationship will never be the same again. *SOB*

A question for God...

I’m sure You’ve heard me by now- but in case I forget when I see You, here’s a question for You.. What did you mean when you say in Deut 5:9-10
"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

Well I know that you love us with a holy jealousy- only appropriate for any lover. And I understand that one is to contrast the few generations of “punishment” to the thousand generations of love.
But why did You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation when you do not mean that? You said through Ezekiel 18:30-32
“Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

Your justice demands that the child innocent of his father’s sin shall not be punished. Through all of Scriptures it is also clear that “generational curses” are but superstitions. And all the other laws and commandments will also see to it that each man is held responsible for his/her actions. So what did You mean when You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents?

I can understand the cyclical nature of sin, and how high the probability that the sins of the fathers will be inherited by the children- and therefore the child would be justly punished for their sin as well. So from a practical perspective, I can see how that would happen. But there is no qualification in Your commandment..

Does that mean that these words are not to be taken at face value? And it’s a case of the words being present, but the idea is not? It’s so funny.. I don’t understand why You said it when You did not mean it? To show us the extent of Your jealousy? That there are consequences to turning away from you? To show us the extent of Your compassion? That the grace shown to those who loves your far outweighs the wrath shown to those who turn away?

I'm confused God, help me understand please?

The Good Wife Finale

*SPOILER ALERT*

I was really satisfied with the season 2 finale of the Good Wife. Not so much because of the “very exceptional moment” for Will and Alicia, though the elevator scene with Mika's “Any other world” in the background did not hurt.

But I am satisfied because the two of them are able to, very honestly, for the first time, face and express their feelings for each other. No suppression, no lies, no sabotage, no bad timing. Just one hour of good timing.

I would have been equally satisfied by a dinner with them just talking about how they feel- even if it concluded with them acknowledging that it would not work, yet. That is perhaps why I am not a scriptwriter. Much power of their relationship lies in what is unsaid, the undercurrents, the looks they give each other. So much is said when no words are spoken.

I’m not a cheerleader for adultery, reeeeeally!! Though it’s hard to reason my way out since I am in Camp Will. Don’t ask me for the reasons why, nor think more about the moral implications. I’m pleading the free will to choose here, and the freedom to be a reckless romantic with no regard for consequences.. in TV land.. :p

My First Semester

So here I am at the end of the semester. Finished my finals, finished all my papers, finished all the required readings. Enjoying this moment I am spending with an old friend, not wanting to think about the other things on my to-do list.
I’m exactly where I want to be, doing what I want to do, watching time pass me by and having no urge to seize it- what other pleasures could one have in life.

It seems a little indulgent and self-absorbed talking about my little world given all the generation-defining events that had happened over the past month. There was the royal wedding of Kate & William- I liked her dresses, the very exciting Singapore General Elections- I never dreamed that any GRCs close to me would “fall into the hands of the opposition”, and the killing of Osama bin Laden- I cannot understand why people would want pictures and videos of that. CRAZY.

These headlines provided a touch stone for a world out there beyond the compounds of Trinity. More significant than the flapping of the butterfly’s wings, they should demand more contemplation lest a tempest should take me by surprise- but it is not now.
Now is the moment I want to reflect and process, forbidding that the semester should pass me by without this cathartic exercise. Crystallizing some convictions that I have come to own in a not-very exciting manner-

• We know a person by what he does. We do not know God’s ways without His stories. His stories unfold His roles and character. And this is the beauty of Biblical Theology. By tracing God’s work and hand through His-Story, we really get to know what He is like. And it is so exciting getting to know Him not by a neat package of ideas (Systematic Theology has its place), but slowly through time by observing and watching Him do the things He do. I pray that I will be more disciplined to apply Biblical Theology when doing Bible Study in the future.

• To listen actively and empathy is the foundation- not just of counseling, but of communication. There is no need for self-disclosure, and self-disclosure does not help. So many talk more than they listen, I pray that I will be a good helper for His sake!

• I have several personality traits that may be conflicting, but they also help balance each other out. I found myself confusing in the past, but no more apologies for the good range of personalities so I can draw on the different “selves” at different times for strength. Thank YOU Lord!

• Those suffering from addictions cannot control themselves- they need the counselor’s unconditional positive regard to help them hope. I pray that I can provide a safe environment for those who are struggling in any issue, so that help can come.

• To love wisdom and pursue it.

This is pretty much in a nutshell the journey I have been taking this semester. Looking forward to the next one :)

Remembering on Good Friday

I have a friend who gives Light
He came to a world of darkness who screams to put out His light
I have a friend who is the Lamb
He was slaughtered so God’s judgment can pass-over the sinners of the world
I have a friend whose name is Love
He showed His love by dying for an unworthy me

How shall I befriend Him
When sometimes I hide His light under the bowl of what they might think
How shall I be covered by His blood
Over and over again I crucify Him with my sins
How shall I love Him
There is nothing I can bring

Yet it is the Father’s will to send His Son so He might justify and sanctify us
Grace freely given, freely received with thankfulness
He is abounding in love, rich in compassion, faithful and true
Rest we must in He, who has made Himself known
He says He is going away and will come back for us
Eagerly we shall await that day

Personality Self Portrait

This is a lazy entry.. just an assignment that i did for my Counseling class on the results of a personality test.. But it pretty much describes me!

Overview

My most dominant personality style is Conscientious, and the least dominant style is Aggressive. Most of the other traits are fairly close in range, with the Dramatic, Adventurous, Devoted, Self-Sacrificing and Mercurial in the next top “Personality belt”. I will seek to discuss my findings based on the 6 domains.

Work
I have found that the blend of my Conscientious-Devoted -Self Sacrificing personalities strongly characterize the “good” employee and team player I am. I am organized, hardworking, can push through drudgery as long as it is pleases my boss and team. What motivates me most is the satisfaction of others, and I have little outward personal ambition. I care for the people I work with, and will also need some expressions of appreciation. Being in a position of leadership, I will need to be more assertive to compensate for the shortfalls of the Devoted personality.
What prevents me from being completely sold-out to, and causes me to struggle with my work ethic of “simply being the one who goes by the book and can be trusted to get the job done”, is my Dramatic-Adventurous -Mercurial personality blend. I love ideas- responding to suggestions from others, and wanting my ideas to be heard. I need to be challenged, and have to avoid routine- this explains why I like to multi-task, and work on 3-4 projects at any one time. And as a Mercurial, I am outgoing and energetic and take comfort in idealized roles- this affirms my longings for teaching and helping professions.

Self
My Self domain is strongly affected by my Dramatic-Devoted-Mercurial personality traits. This means that I have a weak inner compass, and my self definition comes from others. Being Dramatic, I see myself as others see me and require reassurance and feedback to maintain self-confidence. My Devoted self will cause me to seek out other’s opinions and follow their advice, and this combined with the Dramatic trait makes me want to be who others think I should be. As a Mercurial, I am very open-minded and curious about other ways of being, and I am rarely concretely fixed to any particular identity, lifestyle or culture. This is likely a contributing factor to me feeling not absolutely certain of my own identity.
The strong tendency to be “swayed” from identity to identity is fortunately “rescued” by my Adventurous streak and Christian faith. Being Adventurous, there is a strong inner right and wrong- this is what helps me determine the identities that I am willing to “try out”. The strong desire to live in the moment without regrets also drives some of my self-decisions that may be contrary to other’s opinions.

Emotions
As a Dramatic-Adventurous-Mercurial, I have strong emotions. It is important for me to engage my heart in everything I do, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I want to write a story with my life, I laugh and cry easily and openly, and am prone to more intense emotional experiences. The Adventurous personality helps me be cheerful and enjoy life, and be less melo-dramatic.
The above personality combinations can easily cause one to be emotionally unstable. However, the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing-Devoted traits help regulate and give stability to the strong emotions. The Self Sacrificing personality is emotionally strong and capable of shouldering whatever burdens that come my way, and the Conscientious self helps the head rule the heart and not go to extremes. Dramatic on the inside, my expressions are tempered and moderated by the Conscientious-Devoted personalities.

Relationships
The Conscientious-Devoted personalities reinforce each other in the realm of relationships. The personality causes one to be others-centered, and be loyal and faithful to follow through the commitment. For the Devoted personality, relationships provide life’s meaning and causes one to work hard to keep relationships together. The Dramatic-Self Sacrificing blend creates an interesting dynamic for the individual’s response in this domain. The Self Sacrificing personality exist to serve the other person, would sacrifice their own needs in acts of service. and routinely deflect attention away themselves. The Dramatic personality wants to be in center stage, and the Self Sacrificing trait is embarrassed to desire that, but desires to be appreciated.
The Adventurous-Mercurial adds a “wild card” to the faithful partner mix. These personalities are self-serving in relationships, thrive on intense, no strings attached experiences, and are not very principled nor monogamous. I have noticed that they show themselves through my thoughts and responses, and heavily “rebuked” by the other traits and my Christian faith when they present themselves.

Self-Control & Real World
There are 2 strong contrasting personality blends in the Self-Control & Real World domains- the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing vs. the Dramatic-Mercurial. The Conscientious self likes to plan, is disciplined and find it hard to make a decision due to the perfectionist personality; and the Self Sacrificing personality finds it hard to relax strict controls and have a good time. This combination suggests strong self-control and well measured decisions in the real world. The Dramatic-Mercurial self on the other hand lacks self control and often acts on impulse. It is curious and interested, love to taste and experiment, and is often self-indulgent.
They result in different responses in different situations, and will almost always create a regret response when one set of traits “win”. However, I think that they complement each other to create a more well balanced individual. With the Conscientious being the dominant personality trait, the disciplined self runs the show most of the time. However, with the dynamic Dramatic self, it helps the individual relax, do something “out of the box” once in a while and adds spice to one’s life.

Conclusion
Discovering my key personality styles have been enlightening. It has helped shed some clarity on certain behaviors, thoughts and emotions that I used to find conflicting and confusing.

Honda talk..

I feel each flake fall so gently on my body, and one by one they cover me. By the time the night is over, I am sleeping snugly under a blanket of snow and frost. The best part is when Arthur wakes me up in the morning and works me up to start running. The heat from my body melts the ice mixture on me and gives me a good bath all over. I love it when he uses the brush on me- the gentle strokes tickles me and the hard scrubs feel like a good rub. Gosh, the winter is over too soon and I am missing my baths in the snow already.

Though I must admit- that having ice on me is nice, but skating on them was not too fun at all. I was so scared that day. We were having a good ride up to Bemidji, enjoying the terrain and looking forward to spending time with the family… Until I was trying to go around the truck in front of me, and I fell into a snow ditch. Ouch. I tried to get myself out but to no avail. Finally, Arthur my hero got a tow truck to tow me out of that snow pit. Thankfully, I emerged only with some slight bruises. Phew!

While I thought that was the worst, Arthur’s wife did a Fast & Furious stunt on our way back. I always wondered what it was going to be like, but I don’t wonder that any more. The road was so icy, I spun 360 degrees on the highway! Thankfully, my neighbor charged on ahead in midst of the heavy snow, and the ones behind stopped in time. I am so glad that other than that little spin, all three of us were safe. I could tell that the poor couple was so shaken. She gripped me so tightly when she drove all the rest of the way.

These little adventures could get me by for the rest of my life I think. Fingers crossed.. Now I need to get ready for Spring.. Cant wait to give me some good cleaning and sprucing! Can’t be too shabby looking- it’s time to greet the daffodils and lilies in the fields! Woohoo!!

Fun in February

We've never been big on Valentine's Day- it's just not our thing. And all the "love is in the air" stuff, is just stuffy for us. To be honest, I don't think it's because it's the Valentine's month particularly, but we have had more dates this month than our usual monthly average of 0.5... :p  So I want to remember here, the fun we've had this February...So that I do not forget, all the effort Arthur's put in to make them happen- willingly or unwillingly ;)

Les Miz was a great start to the month. It was a gift from Daddy literally- we did not know whether we were going to get the tickets until the day prior! We still forgot our lesson from Wicked to bring binoculars, but we had a memorable school bus ride home with the rest of the "college kids". When was the last time i rode on an old school bus? Thank you honey for getting in touch with the person in charge and making it happen :) Taking the train down town to meet me for dinner, and then going out in the cold again after reaching home to get our car.

Ice-skating was fun too! And I sure hope we get to make this a monthly routine so that I can master gliding on ice!!! Push and slide, push and slide.. I think the hardest part is now having to let go of your hand... Next time.. Thanks for being a teacher :)

Dancing was as good as it could get with my 2 left feet. Thanks for being willing to be dragged, whining and kicking, to the event.. hahahhaa.. I'm glad I didnt have to switch partners and know that i've got one dance partner for the rest of my life :) Now, I must remember to wear higher heels next time :p