Confessions of a unforgiving-holic

I must conclude that I am a prejudiced un-forgiver.

I have a list of people whom I would love never to see again nor spend time with on this earth or in eternity. And then I have a list of people whom I have decided to not open up my heart with. Both lists seem to be growing. Even though time passes, the ink of their names on that list scarcely faded. If I could work myself into it, the wrenching of my heart and the twisting of my guts would seem as fresh as yesterday. I was forced recently to examine why it had been so difficult for this “nice person” to let go.

My grudge is scarcely proportionate to what they did; and in some of these cases, their trespass is not even toward me! I could pin and point where they had erred, and how upset God will be with them. I could blow out of proportion what they had done, and lament the grief they have caused me. I could justify my “righteous anger”. Could I really?

Yet, there are other people who can do far worse things to me repeatedly, and I would willingly risk myself, hope the best of them and hold out the olive brunch time and again. How do I explain the uneven scale?

Forcing the issue down to its roots, the problem was with me and not them. I had not committed to love them- not in the patient, kind, gentle way, and definitely not in the “keep no record” spirit. I focus on the speck in their eye, despite the plank in my own. And I keep pouring salt into the tiny wound they gave. Did they deserve such harsh treatment? Who was I to throw the stone at them?

Grace is not an easy task, and it can be a stench to an unforgiving heart- I had been there for a long time and I think I am ready to quit. At the end of the day, if I had to decide if Jesus or I or they is more important, there can only be one answer. Being the forgiven is not reason sufficient for me to forgive- for I am not divine! But, Jesus loves me and He wants me to forgive them for Him- and so I will. Since He has forgiven my unrighteous anger towards them, how could I hold on to my sin? Of course, I would not become immediate chummies with those people, but I need to give up my right to restituition. I need to commit to grace. 

Forgiving and letting go is such a costly exercise. It is the pinnacle of others-centeredness. It is saying that you and our relationship are more important than me. It requires one to take everything one’s got to work through the inner demons that threaten to consume one. I am thankful for that One relationship, that will always make forgiving worth it. I am so grateful to the One whom, in order to hold on to Him, I must let others go.

I hope and pray that this is it, for this lesson, at least for a while.