2020 Thanksgiving Diary (I)

 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

As I picture entering God’s gates with the “battle scars” from this year of Covid, I am thankful for the refining that He has done this year – not just to me, but for the world. Generations come and go, but He alone is forever; His goodness, His love and His faithfulness. He deserves all thanks, praise and honor; not for the deliverance and gifts He will provide, but because He is worthy. This post will get too long if I list all the ways I am thankful, but I will attempt to gather the threads that I think He is weaving in this little life of mine this year and my hopes for the next.

Arthur and Marriage

The year started with a health scare that had Arthur having to get an MRI on his brain. Even though there were no symptoms that warranted fretting over, the optometrist’s concerns were enough to drive me to plead God for more time with Arthur. And then Covid struck, my prayers for more time were answered in an unexpected way. More meals together, time to workout in the morning together, more relentless days juggling kids and work together, more tough conversations; I’ve loved every moment of it. I am so very thankful for this man who turned 40 this year, and pray that we will get to spend the next 40 years or more growing together.

There are 2 thorns in this bed of roses that I hope to work on next year as a wife.

I was asked recently how a decision of mine would impact Arthur and his calling. I have not thought about my role in his calling in a long time, and this was a good wake-up call for me. I think this is why our tag-teaming partnership has felt a tat lackluster. I want to spend less energy figuring out our schedules to give each other time and space to work, and more time praying for and helping with Arthur’s calling.

It was difficult to hear when Arthur shared that he is wary about sharing some spiritual things with me, because of how this contrarian wife would respond. Even though she has come a long way from giving too many "constructive criticisms" on his sermons too quickly, and "crying foul" about him wanting to hold back; I want to prove with time and gentleness, that my heart can sing with his on the things that he hold so dear.   

Kids and Motherhood

The parenthood train keeps moving forward and it feels like we are at a new station. Mya’s silent treatment (I’ll pretend not to hear you by not responding), logical deduction (“why do I have to listen to you?”, “seriously?!!”), eye rolls and passionate cries for justice (“it’s not fair!”), is reminiscent of my youthful antics; but isn’t this a little early? Like she is me from yesteryear, I am my mother then. Homework sagas, yelling, nagging, impatient, comparing her with others – God help me please! As for Elliot, the tiger within still needs more taming and the bitter juice of shame extracting. So many times this year, it feels like I’ve come to the end of myself and all I can do is get on my knees.

Still, I am thankful to be their mama and grateful for every day with them. The hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs, cries and tantrums, the throw-ups, home-made videos, card/magic tricks, jokes, battles, pranks, games; the way they take on a new challenge, language, experience or sport; the deeper questions they are asking. I am thankful for the many ways they have inspired me, challenged me to grow and gifted me with the colors they add to each day.

Lord, please help me treasure these days. To not be in a hurry to move out of this station, but to lean into all the lessons that this stop has to offer. To fix my eyes on you and not on others, to not make comparisons and lose patience. Please use me to nurture these seedlings, so that they can bloom and thrive for your glory.

To be continued…

Happy Birthday Honey!

Dearest Arthur, 

Happy 40th Birthday! 

I am so very blessed to be yours. 

You are my best friend, lover, counselor, advocate, encourager and inspiration. You are evidence of His love to me, you shine His light on me, you bring His Word to me, you sharpen me to be more like Him and you love me like Christ wants you to. 

Even though you are endowed with all the gifts to be in the limelight, you are always content to stay in the shadows. You desire that Christ shall be greater and you be lesser. You want to live a peaceful and quiet life, for your greatest life work to have been faithfully loving Him. Thank you for being a servant-hearted leader. 

You serve me and the kids so selflessly. Maybe I have your "OCD" and perfectionist-tendencies to thank. :) But thank you for always doing the dishes - even though i give you a hard time for doing them too quickly. Thank you for always tidyng the house. More importantly, for giving me all the time and space to flourish. For parenting the Mya and Elliot with me - you bring them so much joy, laughter, fun; and also safety, discipline and instruction. I love the husband and father you are. 

Your weaknesses are many, as are mine. Yet they help me be thankful - that you the happy loner would choose to marry me, that you the responsible vagabond would choose to settle down, that you pursue purity, that you would sometimes lay your Self down. 

I am acutely aware of the short time that we have here, thank you for spending the last fourteen years with me. On your fortieth birthday, I pray that God will let me spend at least another forty years with you here, and then in eternity. I love you so much! 

Hoping you'll be blessed by the walk down memory lane here -https://www.kudoboard.com/boards/wFfLJjaP

Color

I thought I might escape unscathed

From the virus and the prejudice

I live a Democratic state I surmised

Among the learned liberals who will not bat an eye

To my color.

And then it happened along the frozen aisle

He saw me come and said “You stay away!”

Like I was the plague that passed him by

He turned to face the freezers and shook his head

At this person of color.

It is on them, I shall not be mad

I will take the high ground and not react

I barely settled in the car when I felt a knife twist in my heart

He left more than a scare on me

And how I wear my color.

This is nothing compared to the headlines

He was beaten by the police

He was shot unjustly

He was accused and molested via a body search

Because of his color.

This is nothing compared to history

They had to sit behind on the bus

They had to use different bathrooms

They could not eat at the same restaurant

For they had a different color.

Yet we still do it to one another, color to color

One might be a victim and to another a perpetrator

A stare, a snub, a step aside

Words, violence, genocide

Reactions to colors.

Lord haste the day when You will come

When we shall all be as one

When we will see each other through your eyes

Beautiful, dignified, treasured

Because of Christ.

Covid-19

When 2020 dawned, there was much optimism as the world turned the page into a new decade. The stock markets were riding a 10-year bull and it seemed almost invincible. We were all so confident about the future, the dreams and projects we planned. And in dramatic fashion, it all came crashing down.

As thick dark clouds continue to shroud the sun and loom on the horizon, this eternal optimist finds their silver lining in her little piece of the sky.

Life matters, living matters. Debates on abortions, guns and euthanasia tend to dominate political debates and headlines, especially during the US elections. “I will do what I want with my life, my body and my possessions, and that is my right.” And these topics divide – families and neighbors. Yet in the face of Covid-19, we all agree that we want the death rates to drop. We practice social distance, for ourselves and our neighbors. We want to live, and not succumb to the virus. Let us agree that we are more united in our view that life is sacred, than our choices. Let us see that we are willing to do more that we thought we would, to preserve the life of others. Let us remember this as we move forward, and not forget. “So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them… God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.” Gen 1:27, 31

Death and disease know no master. Nor fame, nor power, nor riches, nor country, nor race; and they are our common enemy. Even though each country is fighting the battle within their borders, and there may have been some finger pointing, there is a sense that the world is united in fighting the corona virus together. This is no longer a battle that they are fighting, we are all in this together. We all see that death is the great equalizer, that the rich and famous are not immune. Leaders may rewrite constitutions to secure their reign forever, or boast that they are immutable; yet they are helpless when the corona virus ravage their nation. When things are going well and we are happy on our own merry way, we forget that being able to take a full breath is grace. May we be humbled, and know in our hearts, that we are not in control. We can only strive to be the best stewards we can be, with what we have been given.  And if a mortal might so be chosen to be clothed with immortality, to hold fast the belief that “death has been swallowed up in victory”. I Cor 15:54

There is no judgement in fear, but there is hope in “one for the other”. Stockpiling in Singapore first drew chiding from the ministers, that the behavior was “Sia-suay” (disgraceful) and reminiscent of “third world behavior in a first world country”. There was no such social commentary in the States. I surmise that this is due to the collectivistic Asian society, where the greater public good is more important than one’s personal good. I am proud of my little nation – not just her efforts to curtail the spread, but also her desire to handle adversity with grace. More still, I hope that this grace extends in social media. Commentary on how nations are handling the situation are unhelpful, we are all trying. We are all afraid, yes. But let’s help each other be wise and informed, and not breed paranoia.

Be thankful, for the much that we have been given and for our loved ones. In my own little life, I wanted more – a new laptop, more money, better prospects and a growing portfolio. Nothing like the crowned virus to put things in perspective. In a climate where children might go hungry because school is out, employees are laid off because stores are shut, and we cannot even give hugs to comfort others… I am thankful for the work I have and still be able to provide for my family. I am thankful that I have my husband in my arms and kids on my lap. I am thankful that the family in Singapore and the US are still healthy to-date. I am thankful for my church family. I am thankful for technology to stay connected. I am thankful that God has me where I am. I am thankful, period. Lord, help me remember and keep my contentment in check, always.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands for us – yes, establish the work of our hands.” ~ Psalm 90:12-17

Colors of the wind

As with most things, I’m often late to the game. Late to catch the joke, late to the reckoning, and late to feeling something.

A few weeks ago, there I was late to the farewell party. The party were sharing stories about horrible summer jobs and trading laughs. I enjoyed the tales and the food, happy not to be called upon. I think. And then D walked into the room, also late to the party. Soon after, M filled him in on the conversation topic and G asked him to contribute.

The conversation then turned into donkey meat. G thought it was a famous Korean delicacy. H, a Korean, said no – it’s likely the Chinese. “Korean, Chinese, they’re all about the same. You Asians look alike.”
I looked at he whom I considered a friend at work, “Did you seriously just say that?”
“I don’t mean to be racist, but can you tell apart Japanese, Korean and Chinese?”

This exchange inevitably threw shade on my first experience. Was I a fly on the wall? Did I exist? Am I my own person?

***

In light of what we celebrated on MLK day last month, it stung. It’s been hard being an Asian woman at work recently. So often I am the only woman in the room, the only Asian in the room, the only Asian woman at the table. On most days, I like to “be a big girl” and not “sweat the small stuff”. But it makes me sad that I cannot see a different future. How can I educate the privileged about their blind spots? How can I address this without coming across as being petty or playing the victim card? What is the Christian response to this?

Even though I shared with the kids about how MLK changed the world, and how fortunate we are to be living at this time; the feeling that the same problems still exists, nagged at me. It was there between the Jews and the Gentiles, the slaves and the masters. It was there between men and women, black and white. It is still here today. We can push the envelope with a female Santa, Captain Marvel, Black Panther and Fresh off the Boat. Yet the conversation continues.

Some say keeping the conversation going is the point. But doesn’t the need for conversation mean that the matter is not resolved? I’m not saying to stop talking about it, but I want to move past that. I don’t want to fight for my rights. I don’t want to prove my worth twice as hard. I don't want to hear snide remarks when I'm working from home so I can go to my children's class parties.

I want to see differences acknowledged and celebrated. I want to see everyone treated fairly and given equal chances (and pay checks for that matter). I want to see that a black sheep does not make the whole herd grey. I want to see women helping one another, and not tearing each other down.

***

God saw Hagar, God grafted Ruth into the Messiah’s family tree, Esther saved the entire nation, Jesus sought out the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha. And God grafted me, the foreign woman, in. There is hope yet. Perhaps not fully in this world, but in the one to come. And may God help me remember, at times when I’m on the other side.