It’s been quite a long couple of weeks. A long winding journey in the woods, with me feeling lost and distracted as I “take steps in the dark”. And I’m still trying to process the lessons He would have my heart and mind learn through this.
For those who do not know, I’ve had yet another episode of work saga in the last month. I’ve struggled with my loss of flexibility in my new company (M*) for a long time, and with the work nature and environment very different from what I expected, I thought of going back to my old company (TR). Just when I decided to put that option to rest, my ex-manager called me up and asked if I would consider going back. I figured it will not hurt to hear what she has to offer. I thought God was giving me a second chance when I learnt to be content where i was.
My heart very much wanted to go back to TR, but my head knows that M* would be a better place. I’m thankful for the many wise voices in my life. I almost took the offer to return, but in the end, I decided to stay in M* as they agreed to give me some flexibility.
It was a very distracting process, and all I could think of during that whole month when I had some down time was the choice. Arthur and I spent many hours talking the issue to the ground. Until the end, we were both exhausted. Especially myself, I was so lost. I found myself incapable of bringing that issue to God, without going down the rabbit trail. All I thought of was myself. I knew I should, and I wanted to, find God, hear from Him, take the journey with Him; but I could not. I kept walking, groping in the dark, hitting walls.
As a result of being lost, I could not see the picture clearly. I knew I was like an Israelite wanting to go back to Egypt. But then I also rationalized that I could be the prodigal daughter, who should not be afraid to return, if my first choice was wrong. Yet, I could never forget the firm conviction of going to M* then. So what was I to do? Maybe there is no right or wrong choice here, but how should I choose? Which spiritual picture was my true reality? I tried using coin tossing to determine God’s choice, and tried reading His signs in the stars. They all pointed to what my heart wanted.
Despite the strong urgings of my heart, I could not shake off what my head was telling me. In the last moment, I decided to go with my head. I am not proud of the choice, struggled with whether i was disobeying God, but knew my only choice at this point is to trust Him and move forward.
I wish I could say this have been a spiritual journey, but I think I failed badly at this test. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient. 2 lessons I hope to learn from this -
1. If there is no clear conviction to move, stay where you are right now. His call to leave will come very clearly. There may be uncertainty or doubt, but getting self-absorbed about it, is not a place where He wants us to be.
2. He leads BOTH in our hearts and mind. If your heart is cluttered, and because the heart can be so deceitful, trust that He has given us mental faculties to do rational decision-making. Take courage and follow your head, as long as their motivations before Him are pure. He will align our hearts in time. Our brains are a gift from Him too you know!
Sitting here now, I know that God is gracious in this process. In the end, I got the flexibility I needed, with the M* management getting to know what is important to me and my “problems” in the coming months; in a much better working environment. But I came in this close, to going back to TR. Perhaps, going back would have worked out well too, coz He always works things out.
I am not overwhelmed by His gracious guidance at this point yet, but I know it will all become clear further down the road. For now, I am at rest and content with the silent peace He has come to place in my heart.
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