4 days on my own

Arthur was in Kansas City last week for 4 days, and I nearly lost my mind. 4 days trying to juggle the kids and work, I became the mean witch so far from Mary Poppins.

Did I raise my voice and practically yelled at them? Check.

Did I say things I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Did I put them in front of a TV show more than I should have? Guilty.

Did I busy cleaning around the house instead of spending time with them? Uh-huh.

I felt like an utter failure. For not being able to enjoy my kids as much as I should have. For not being as patient with them as I should have. For saying the things I never wanted to say to them. For speaking in a volume I never wanted to speak to them in. For being a simmering volcano, with one too many eruptions. I was practically a high strung nut case. Feeling behind at work, feeling behind in parenting, feeling behind in home-making. Feeling behind in practically everything.

That is not to say the kids were innocent white doves while I went bersek. They were sinful children all right – testing their limits, procrastinating, lounging, talking back, being defiant, wanting to be the parent, all of the above. My sin does not absolve theirs, and their sin does not absolve mine. Oh, how long suffering and compassionate our Father in Heaven.

I always say that the stay-at-home-parent’s job is the hardest in the world. I knew it then, I know it now. My hats off to all you stay-at-home parents and all the single parents. I cannot do what you do. And God knew.

I am so thankful being a working mom, and so thankful to Arthur for being the one who juggles the demands of work and kids every single day. Thankful that my children forgive my failings and bear it like no one could; thankful knowing that I’m a sinful mother in need of as much grace as my little ones do.

I’m gonna do this again. Watch them on my own while Arthur is away. Lose my mind and fail again. But, I will rise to the challenge, I will. One day at a time. One ball at a time. One crumb at a time. One breath at a time. One mistake at a time. Holding on to each time I notice Him showing up in a very tangible way. And I know His grace will be sufficient, for us all.  

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!  

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

Happy Good Friday!

Why is this day different from any other day? This is the day we remember THE DAY, alongside a few others, that made all other days matter. And so this day Lord, help me remember You.

The spiritual lesson that I’m still processing relates to the phone scam that I was involved in last week, 4/11. A few things I lost through that are –

• My personal details – name, passport number, phone numbers, address and date of birth.
• My pride, or at least a fraction of it. I was incredulous when my mother went a little too far in another scam that she was roped into many years ago, but now, I know I am equally susceptible. Was I foolish? Absolutely. But now, I’m a little more empathetic to scam victims.
•  A little sanity – now when I see an unknown number, my heart skips a beat. I wait for it to go to voicemail, check the voicemail and then block the number. I want to call back and just listen to who it is. I will look up the number online and report it as scam. And I have been getting a few of these calls each day. And a part of me wonders if that might just be true – someone used my details to create fake passport and create a money laundering bank account. Now I am a suspect in an investigation.
• A little sense of security – I am a little worried someone would just show up at the door and take me away. I am worried that someone is out there creating fake passports and misusing my personal details. I am worried about the unknown. Maybe, I should not go to China any more. 

And even though it’s Good Friday, and Christ died for the sins of the scammer and mine; I cannot help but want the scammer to be brought to justice. I want him to be caught, sent to jail, and either repent or burn in hell. As much as I hate how foolish I was, I hate even more his lies, scams and the things he took away from me. Yet on this day, I will feel rich because of the things I gained –

• An appreciation of the insidious effects of sin – it wants to pull me in, it wants me to doubt the truth, it wants me to listen only to it and not those I love and trust. It is relentless and breeds fear. It builds up a false reality and lies to keep me in it. It is deep and dark and awful and ugly.
• Experiencing “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal” – nothing on this earth is truly mine, even my “physical identity” is not safe. This does not mean that we do not try to protect our IDs or privacy, but all that can be taken away from us in an instance. When I was imagining the reality of being thrown in jail in China, I thought about losing the life that I’m currently living in an instant. No job, no family, no “future”. And the only thing I can take with me? Christ. At least that, no one else can take that away from me.
• Deepened my belief about letting the light shine in – the scammer wanted me to be in a quiet place and warned me not to tell anyone or I will implicate them. And for 1.5 hours all I heard were the lies, so much so that I started to believe in it and not want to tell Arthur. But after I called him and fact-checked with my Chinese colleagues, I could at least start entertaining the possibility that that was a scam. God has put people, community in our lives, we need to let others in, we need to let light in.
• Listen to my H-h-usband – Arthur told me not to pick up the phone or entertain those calls. I listened for a day, and then did the very thing he told me not to, the very next day. And now I need to listen, to the truth that he is telling me, that it’s a scam. I need to listen to my heavenly Husband, who bled and died for me; so I can have my safety, security and identity in Him; and not live with fear in the background. If God is for me, who can be against me? not worry about your life. Do not worry about tomorrow.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,  and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Of Little men and Fairies

March 17

And we thought that the leprechaun will not strike this year. Last year, Mya decided that the leprechaun was going to doodle on the walls. We woke up to doodles on the bathroom wall, bedroom wall and the family room wall. We got rid of the doodles only when it was time to sell the house. 

This year, we thought we will get-by by setting traps and making mini shamrocks for the little green man. But alas! Mya and Elliot thought it might be fun to have snow indoors on St. Patrick’s day. So they emptied 2 bottles of powder all over their room and over themselves. At least, a little cleaning up is all that’s needed; and we'll do it well before we sell this house. 

Feb 20, March 12

Mya lost both of her teeth! Her tooth fairy is the shining Pearlie, and I have a feeling that we will be getting a lot more visits from her.

The first tooth fell out during chapel in school. It was a little emotional for Arthur and I, yet another milestone crossed. And the working mother teared up a bit when she heard the news, because she was not there for her yet another of her daughter’s “first”.

The second tooth fell out after a post-Awana treat with Daddy at Wendy’s. As Mya likes to tell the story with TMI.. She went to the bathroom after the treat, and as she was going potty, the tooth fell out. She ran to me right after she got home and asked, “Can the tooth fairy leave her more chocolate coins again?”

The answer was no, in case you were wondering.

March

From Arthur to Mrs Cummins, Elliot’s school teacher –

I've got to tell you this!  Of course, you've been doing the story of Zacchaeus at school.  Elliot also sings the song at church and we've talked about the story at home.  Anyway, the other day he got hold of my wallet and was playing with it.  He took out some cash bills, put them in his pocket, and loudly announced, "Me take money; me like za'ccheus!!!"  Haha!  Jo and I could not stop laughing!  Maybe not the primary lesson of that story, but he's listening!!!!  Thanks for all you and Mrs. Leydon are doing for him!

Happy Valentines Day?

What is a wife to do, as her husband figures out what he wants to do.

Should she sharpen him and risk a quarrel? Or roll over and say, “whatever pleases you?”

She prays and pleads, bites her tongue and guards her heart to keep frustrations at bay.

What is a wife to do, when his dream is to be single and read, but God who brought her his way.

Should she mull over this straw? Or look at the kids and say, “you’re not his first choice?”

She prays and pleads, relives the past and steels her heart to keep the aches away.

What is a wife to do, her public husband is so popular, unlike when he is with her.

Should she ask him to let others in? Or his safe person quietly be?

She prays and pleads, asks for strength and trains her heart to relish in grey.

Happy Valentines Day?

Nothing like a little morose to spur a blog post. I have been putting off my happy post about Elliot turning 3 – hopefully that will come soon. But I had to come to my “safe space” to vent a little.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I have no problems admitting that I’m a sinner. But more often than not, I don’t really believe it. I’d have trouble naming a sin that was seriously a problem, at least the one that God would or should be bothered by. But “so long as sin remains someone else’s problem, Jesus will remain someone else’s Savior” (adapted from Remembering Death). It would be tragic if the Baby in the manger is someone else’s Savior, if He remained a warm fuzzy idea at Christmas and if He is but an afterthought in the New Year.

It is His sheer grace that He showed me how petty and ugly I was truly inside. Being bothered by things that are not going to matter in eternity, holding grudges against people who are fellow image-bearers of God, not loving my neighbors as I should and keeping them at arm’s length. I was justified. I was valid in my opinion of them. I was holding them to a higher standard I reasoned.

But truly, I was being petty. Hospitality can be costly and dwelling-with is not always easy. “The Gospel comes with a house key”, Arthur and I have always loved doing this ministry together. We’ve had many great experiences hosting friends and family; days, weeks and months at a time. I thought I like to make a new-comer and outsider feel welcomed. But exercising one’s gift does not always mean it’s a walk in the park. Missed expectations and then being frustrated with having those false expectations in the first place, disappointments from false hopes and just being underwhelmed. Yet all of this is nothing but the fruit of sinful judgement and pettiness against my neighbor.

Alas! Maybe this will give me something more to commiserate with others, when they give me a knowing and concerned look at having another “long term” house guest. Maybe this serves to knock me down a peg or two on my I’m-an-easy-host or I-welcome-strangers pedestal. 

Maybe this is my opportunity to look into the mirror, face my sin, contemplate the discomfort of the manger and His dwelling with us, cling to the cross and His promise to make me new and depend on Him to carry me through.

Help me God. This is my New Year cry and prayer. Help me God, in so many ways. Help me Gd, please.