TGIF!

Not Thank God It's Friday!

But Today God Is First!

*just another cookie for our minds as we go about our chores... so everyday we can say TGIF!! yay!! :p

By faith, not sight (III)

“By faith, I am asking you to marry me” ~ Sekedi asked Fidelia, and they were not yet in a dating relationship. This is to-date the most jaw-dropping proposal I have heard. No, this is not a “spur on the moment” microwaved request by Sekedi- they were friends for a long time before the question; and no the girl did not say yes immediately like in the fairy tale. But this is one proposal, that has left me intrigued.

intrigued because Sekedi really did not know what Fidelia’s response might be- they were not even dating! intrigued because Sekedi had nothing to support his request other than his faith in God to grant him the desires of his heart. intrigued about the spirit and courage behind the question. intrigued because he had nothing but faith to back him up in front of Fidelia.

Of course this does not in anyway lessen the richness and depth of the many many relationships that brewed slowly in the Father’s hands. And neither does it mean that those relationships require any less faith. And it definitely does not lessen the marshmallow effect of any fruitful love story on me. It’s just… I’ve never heard of a proposal like that, ever.

“I love you, please marry me”, “We’re made for each other, please marry me”, but “By faith, please marry me”- it’s a first.

**

“By faith, not sight”- this is a timely reminder for myself, in light of a little hiatus Arthur and me had lately.

I want to remember His assurance to me when I prayed during the days of seeking- “Lord, I don know how this would even work out. it’ll take a lot of faith, You know…” And that is when He gave me the peace to walk through this door. I want to always remember thinking to myself- “the last relationship that I ‘could see work out’ fell right through, so this time round I can hardly see beyond tomorrow, put me in a position of faith and let this be founded on You alone.” I want not only to remember being excited at the unknown future but be genuinely eager always to witness the unfolding of His plan by the days…

To not be paralyzed by fear of “ambiguity” and “losing him”. To not let my neurosis and insecurities get the better of me- getting cold feet thinking about the future, feeling negative about what might possibly lie ahead, letting my thoughts run wild in all possible directions.

But yet on the other hand, a love that cannot withstand doubts, or a relationship that cannot stand tests is one that will have no depth. And having questions is not necessarily a bad thing – if I can doubt God even, why cant I doubt things in this world? But I pray for the Spirit to direct those moments of doubts and have them answered in Him.

“Lord, as I seek to live this life by faith- may it be expressed it through every action and every thought. Forgive me in times when I take my eyes off you. Turn them back to you Jesus and still my heart.. And I know the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of Your glory and grace.”

**

This marks the end of this series on “by faith, not sight”. Hoping that as He has led me through this time of self-search, my musings and struggles have in some way been an encouragement and a blessing to you. Thanks for listening :)

Tenants & Outsiders

The landlord has been increasingly nasty. Forget about the early days when they were delaying the commencement of our tenure by not setting up telecommunication lines and utilities facilities. Forget about failing to keep the initial bargain of renting level one to us, and deliberately withholding the office space so as to once again dig deep into our pockets. They have now come up with bizarre techniques to “oppress their tenant” that one can only be "amazed" at such incredulity...

Just to name a few:
Not allowing food delivery so as to ensure that we will eat at their canteen;
Discrimination of our staff when we buy food from their canteen;
Not allowing the cab drivers to drive into the compound- and this is the freaking cold winter!
Not helping us call cabs – and we are such a distance off from the main road! :(

And this has led to Akihiro (my Japanese colleague) lamenting the other day “we are outsiders everywhere”… And that comment, together with his genuine forlornness when he said that struck a chord with me…

It made me think about how as man, we always want to be part of the “in crowd”, part of the community, to belong somewhere. Remember how it felt to be “left out”? A time when you were standing outside a group and looking in through a window, wondering how nice it would be to be inside?

And you know something, having been Christians for so long, we have almost forgotten the joy of simply belonging to His family, being part of the kingdom that we once were outsiders. It is not until we know the forlornness of being “outside” and “excluded”, will we experience the bursting joy of being accepted. And be once again arrested by the grace and love that was extended to us.

Ephesians 2: 11-13
Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in the body by the hands of men)— remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.

And to this, I call upon the need of acceptance and inclusitivity in all of our Christian communities. Have we somehow by our actions and private jokes, make anyone who has walked into our midst feel the invisible wall? i know i have... Have we made them outsiders in a place where they hope to find a home? consciously or subconsciously...

And might this be the reason behind the shortage of "new blood" in our ministry? Seeing only those who have been around and blind to the work God might be doing in and through the stranger in our family? Praying that we who have been accepted will too extend the same love in Christ to all.

“There are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God” (Avalon)

Spirit of Truth (I)

This book by David Jackman is such a jewel. Every line so rich with truth and loaded with practical reality that its hard not to read and re-read and contemplate what you've just read. But just as you decide to move on the next line, you want to go back and see if "you've left anything out", and this is such a killer for a slow reader like me.
Will share more in time but well just two nitpicks that i'd thought i'd like to share with you as food for thought this weekend. :)

“We judge by what we’ve seen and heard, rather than by what God promises, and so we become the prisoners of our own limited experiences.”

“Many of us have a sub-Christian experience of what should be ‘in Christ’, because we have left the Spirit so little room in which to operate in our lives. We have taken the controls back into our hands and we are far too ready to tell God what he can or cannot do, in and with us.
Our dependence on God has actually to be total. That is the only condition of spiritual health, and often he disciplines us, through testing and difficult circumstances, to bring us back to this realization, and to regain our spiritual sense about things.
We all like the easy options; it must be part of our fallen human nature.”

Just a reminder

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem;

Not to mention that Friday at Calvary.

Face it, He's crazy about you.

***

Just in case you have forgotten how passionately the God of the Universe loves you, just in case you feel alone in your world, just in case you're wondering if He remembers... He does and is crazy about you :)

Talked to Him today yet? He's waiting little one..

By faith, not sight (II)

He had me pray, to live my life “by faith, not by sight”. These were the words He taught me how to speak, but by His grace I find increasingly, these words echoing the deep longings of my heart.

I have often wondered what it is like to be living life “on the edge”. To wonder when the next meal is; to know His miraculous provision from heaven’s gates, and not just His abundant provision by the paycheck (of course this is NOT at all any second grade exhibit of His grace, and is equally His good way of taking care of His children). Maybe I am naïve, maybe I should be scared at such a prospect, maybe I should be worried. But truth is, I am excited about it. Excited to see how He will put the next piece of bread on the table, excited to see how He will bring what His children need to them in His unimaginable ways, excited to know doubly sure that something is from Him.

After 25 years of my life, I know beyond doubt He is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. On many hungry mornings, a traveling colleague would come round with snacks she brought back~ there, is His provision of breakfast. So real, so many times it has happened. Coincidence? Maybe. But I know it’s Daddy bringing His little girl a snack so she wont be hungry.
Many times after putting money into the offering bag, the church treasurer would come round to return me money that I have long forgotten. His way of showing me- you don become poorer when you’re giving to me.
More than once, He became my car park attendant at crowded parking malls.
And at the supermarket, I would have just enough money to pay for the groceries with only a couple of cents left in my wallet, sometimes with the help of a hidden note in the pocket. That’s Daddy’s giving in to His girl’s bad shopping habits.

He has taken care of me in so many ways and proven Himself so many times. So how can material needs be a concern at all when His promise in Matthew is so clear? “Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them Are you not much more valuable than they?... and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them” By faith in His Word, by faith in His faithfulness in my life, that’s how I want to live my life.

There is much more to consider than my personal material comforts. Even if I were willing to settle, should I make my family suffer? How about bearing the family burden? By sight, I can say His provision comes from work, and for that I am grateful and will gladly work with my hands. But it dawned on me that I need to believe that He will take care of things at home too. No matter how impossible things may seem and how the sums do not seem to add up, He is going to show me how His accounts work. I will still do my math and give the dollars as a daughter and sister should, but He will show me from where He will bring them. Will I have faith when the comforts of my loved ones are at stake? In this, I need to have more! Can I do a better job than the King of the world in taking care of His children? Please give me that faith, Lord.

I am never one who says “God has called me into full-time ministry”. All I can say is that there has been this desire in my heart, and I would be eternally grateful if He will allow me to self indulge and bring Him glory & pleasure, doing something I want to do. As one who knows me, and part of His body to provide godly council, would I have your blessing to pursue it? Would I be constructive and not destructive to the encouragement of the saints?

I pray that you will see with me through eyes of faith, that acting on the passions He has placed on my heart is not a blind leap. I am sharing here so that you will keep me accountable in time to come. Perhaps soon, perhaps in a year or two, all in His good timing. I see the obstacles but He in His grace has given me faith, to trust that “everything will be all right”. I fear now for my obedience, if I will settle for alternative expressions of that passion.

And He almost knows me too well. That’s why in bringing Arthur into my life, I feel like He is giving me wings to pursue the dreams I once had for Him. Embarrassingly crazy little dreams that I had, seem now like a possibility coming true.

I want not to serve Him via human agent bosses any longer. I want to be put on His direct payroll!! To be paid out of Heaven’s Treasury… Daddy, where shall I send my resume to?

Butterfly kisses

He held you when you first arrived as a wailing baby, wish you could have seen the pride that gleamed in his eye... when he looked at you and say "she's mine"...

He watched you grow over the years and so many times wished he had more time to be around you... but he knew his little girl is strong... and despite the physical distance apart, he saw how you were growing to be like him in so many ways... "how is this possible, the apple of my eye..."

He saw you giving up your job and your time, your relationships and treasured past times.. just so you can be around him, to frequent the causeway with him.. just so you can accompany him to the hospital, to sit by his bed at night and watch him sleep.. "such a beautiful spirit, precious heart of mine"

He knew your struggles and all you put up with, he knew how hard you have tried. He knew how much tears you've swallowed, he knew you would have done more if you could and pushed yourself harder if there was a second time... but i know he wished he had a chance to tell you,

"there is nothing more you can do for me coz i know i have received your very very best;
there is no one who makes me prouder than you coz that heart of yours is one of its kind;
i heard the words that were not spoken and saw the family pictures you painted in your mind;
i read the letters you have written and felt the love you had for me inside.

so now my baby girl, i want you to not have regrets, and all i want for you is your utmost joy...
live and love your life for my sake, be who you are and want to be...
do the things you want to do, and go to places you want to go...
thank you for loving me this much, i love you very much too"

好委屈 :(

I feel victimized, a victim of all the political power play, a victim of my boss’s low EQ.

What do you do when your boss sends you a gift for your birthday and telling all your colleagues that “not everyone gets the same treatment”?

What do you do when he tells your fellow workers that “you have a lot to learn from her”?

What do you do if your boss here treads on the toes of your direct boss back at home? And you are at the receiving end of their insecurities in the power game?

**

Dear Valen and Paul,

perhaps you might call this girl naïve in making this attempt, or totally unprofessional for that matter. but I would call this personal letter- one of my walks with you when you go out for a smoke, or a lunch I would ask you out on. So as much as I was tempted to leave things as they are, or maybe address them when I next see you. For fear that I may not have the chance to, or that it may no longer be meaningful to talk about this, would really like to clear the air at this point in time.

Please accept my apologies in failing to observe the protocol on Friday- so to the extent of my oversight, I am sorry. But I think what might be a greater frustration, would be my apparent “side-stepping you”- please do know that has never been my intention.

I think about the times when we Fundamentals analysts would just walk up to TCX analysts to ask them to verify information, or check with the suppliers. We have always been able to just help each other on that front, and keeping the team leader in the loop of things by copying them on the emails. So I interpreted a similar situation on Friday when the analyst from Estimates approached me. I thought it was something we already doing and all it took was to forward a spreadsheet we had, and no significant extra effort was involved. So I just did what we would have typically done in the TCX situation. For my over-estimation of the extent of help analysts can extend to each other, causing me to fail to check with you, I am terribly sorry- please forgive me.

I was also taken by surprise to hear that you saying you were not involved in the decision process of my extension. Because Hao can testify that one question I kept asking him is what does Valen and Paul think? And he told me the management, including Valen, thinks its best for me to extend. The vibes I got from my sparse conversations with you during that time also seemed to indicate that you were in the decision loop? I am not trying to sound noble. But just as an employee who does feel for her company a bit, a factor in my decision to stay is that I would be minimizing disruptions to all parties involved. So I agreed, to what seem to me a sensible thing to do as a team member.

I fully understand how all the pressures have added up by the sheer workload, the inter-location threats, by how Hao might be stepping on your toes during the many meetings you have with each other, or even negative feelings towards me by “leaving the team” (but even if it were not me, someone else would have to go too, right?), my work situations compared to yours, etc etc. And I understand how all these undercurrents are at play during work, so I accept the consequence of their repurcussions. But what I really hope to let you know that, there is absolutely no intention of malice on my part. Cross me heart, I see the value of the things my team leader is doing and am more than happy to be working alongside with someone whom I thought I called a friend at work. I am NOT interested in, nor have any intention to “be in your shoes” for that matter.

You might doubt the intent and tone of this letter- and that might well be the case, as with my previous letter to you. But what I would like to say at this point is that, as a Christian, I seek to serve my God through work. So yes, though I report to you my human bosses, but more so I report to Him. And for Him, He looks at the heart which I conduct my actions. So should I be playing the hypocrite in any of the above, let me be answerable to Him.

Things have been more than a little weird and trying lately, but I guess even if we cannot be relating with our hearts at work, we all have to be professional and move on. And that, I do so with sheer gladness as well.

**

Before God, perhaps the thought to check with Paul did cross my mind very quickly, but I just thought its such a small matter it would not have mattered. So, my carelessness, my bad. Just got to learn this lesson and move on. I will not send the letter out coz I fear it’ll be “throwing pearls to the pigs”~ putting my heart out to be savaged again.

Torn between being skeptical of how they would react to it, and just wanting to be me- brutally honest in all my dealings with people. Tell me what to do? How on earth do I be as shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove at the same time?

I accept that not everything has to have a resolution and some relationships just have to stay at a distance, so i should not be selfish and make them hear what I want to say.

When I see them again, I’m not gonna take these things to heart. I will look at them in the eye, smile and say hi! But I will not “remember to give Paul a hug” and say that “I am so looking forward to see you back here again”. I just hope they don play those games with me. I can take cordial relationships you know.

**

Perhaps it is His nudging for me to get out of the company soon?

But I regret such a situation in light of my contemplation to move on. Am I taking the “easy option” if I choose to leave at this point? Part of me is egged to stay, just to prove myself and that I can handle it. But if I choose to move, am I being a coward and weak? Would my motivation to leave be fuelled by these frustrations? Would my judgment be clouded?

But perhaps, it may be yet another of the Evil’s One’s ploys to make me waver, alongside with family commitments. Be still these voices, wait and listen to Him.