It’s been such a difficult weekend. I have not felt this angry and hurt for so long. And it is surprising in so many ways, because I thought I should have gotten used to the idea of and hurt inflicted by unfaithfulness by now. But yet the rage and sadness caught me by surprised. Perhaps trying to come to terms with the idea of adultery is after all different from coming face to face with them in person.
I must first admit that my response to the complex situation has become personal, and I might have fed my reaction to a state of disproportion. But I am truly at a loss with regards to how I am to handle the sinner when I despise the sin so much. I am at a loss for grace, and desperately need some perspective in dealing with my cold cold heart.
I am aware of the plank in my eye. I am an adulterer- to my Heavenly Husband and earthly husband is so many ways when I fail to first desire them. Temptations fleet across my mind, and I need to throw myself so hard at the mercy of Christ for strength to fight them.
So I am in no position to judge the speck of adulterous dust in my brother’s eye, especially since there are so many reasons why things are the way they are today. Yet I find myself overcome with fury and distaste- so much that it hurts.
Calculated adultery is far worse than homosexuality and addiction. He is not a helpless victim to his dysfunctional state of mind. And she is not a slave to her emotions. Yet, they insistently hold hands and slide happily into the deep dark pit. Forgetting the vows of the past, and ignoring the perils that lie ahead. Sure, they may be pushed down there, but should they enjoy the ride so much?
Calculated adultery spurns on love, spits on marriage, tramples on trust, mocks loyalty and betrays another heart. It is hurtful- it cuts deeper than physical bruises, its wounds last longer than verbal abuse. Some may never recover, but for the miraculous work of God.
In all fairness, things might not be that bad. They might sincerely be planning for things to change in the future. And he has taken the first step to become accountable for his thoughts. Where is the big hearted Christian who ought to provide safety for those who want to get help? I thought she could be there, but clearly she is still not ready.
I know I forgive not because of the person, but because of what Christ has done. I know I love not based on the person’s virtues, but because one is made by God. And I know full well that I am no better than my neighbor!
Can I forgive and love, and still want nothing to do with the person? I can put it all onto Jesus’ check, and pay out the objective Christian love due. But I cannot like them. Spending time around people I dislike drains me badly. Being unable to maintain my integrity, and be honest about how I feel towards them tires me out. But of course, if I have to.. I will be nice- sweet as candy. Will this kind of forgiveness work?
God is so big, to give second chances. I honestly do not know how He does that. Perhaps the good thing out of this recent emotional drama, is to realize how disgusting adultery and unfaithfulness is. And to appreciate an ounce, what God has to overcome to forgive us- only taking it out on His Son would satisfy.
What does a second chance look like? Can I wish them well and send them along their way down the path of “may we never meet again”? There are people in my life whom (I think) I have forgiven, but have no desire to see or associate with for the rest of my life. There were 4 on that list, and now it’s 6. They may be perfectly nice people, and virtuous in many aspect; but I would be very fine if I did not have to spend another minute with them.
Can I do Marriage and Family therapy given my adverse reaction to adultery? It is such a common source of marital problem! I thought I could, having reconciled (internally) with a few of such people in my short history. Perhaps I still can, as long as they are not personal contacts- otherwise, the relationship is too complex to be objective.
In any case, they are ultimately answerable to God and their loved ones for their actions. I do not deserve nor demand their accounting.
“My good opinion once lost is lost forever” Mr Darcy said. He overcame that, could I?
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