The first month...

Happy One Month Elliot! I love you to bits.

I love the way you hang on me like a koala, the way you study the things around you, how expressive you are when you’re hungry or uncomfortable – all the tiny and big noises that you make, how you're on the verge of smiling, how you love nursing, how you perk up at your daddy's voice…

And as much as I love you now, I look forward to loving more of you and getting to know you better as you grow. I love you, buddy!

I started this post (below) in the first week of Elliot’s birth but never got around to finishing it in time. Although the content might seem dated now, it seems fitting to remember at this milestone...

Bilirubin Saga

Even when we were in the midst of it, I knew this was just going to be a small blip in the big scheme of things. However, it did not stop me from wrenching when I saw how much blood they had to draw from Elliot’s little feet for the bilirubin tests; or bursting into tears when I got a call from the doctor to go back into the hospital with the newborn for phototherapy, just a day after being discharged.

Once we got in, it was a continuous cycle of being in the “UV incubator” for 2-3 hours, nursing/feeding for 15-3o min (I tried to sneak in as much time to hold Elliot as I can, but the nurses kept me on task), changing diapers, checking vitals, and drawing blood every 6 hours; for the next 40+ hours.

There was a short reprieve when Arthur came with Mya and my mother for a visit. We were able to sneak in watching “Big Hero Six” and “Inside Out”. It would have been harder to bear if not for the visit and supportive nurses. Thank you God for working everything out!

This saga gave me a newfound respect for parents who have to go through harder things with their children. I don’t know how they do it. I am sure God will give us what we need to rise to the occasion, but I don’t know how I am going to stomach stitches, broken bones, surgeries, … And my heart broke when I saw pictures of a refugee feeding her son with a milk bottle on the ground. This sure sets waking up every 2-3 hours in perspective!

Squirt

Nick Parker (The Parent Trap) called his daughter Haley “Squirt”. It was cute and I contemplated that as a nickname for Elliot for a while, especially since the movie is one of Arthur and my all-time faves and we watched it together when we were in the hospital for Elliot’s birth.

That is, until the “projectile motion” caught me by surprise. Needless to say, it was nixed as a possible nickname contender as it proved to be too loaded and close for comfort.  

The sweetest little gift

Being short

I don’t mean physically. I’m losing patience and not being very kind with the rudder in my mouth these days. First it was my dad, and now with him gone; I find myself being short with my mother who has been nothing but an angel serving us tirelessly in the last few months. Argh! I wish there was a way to think before speaking! Sorry Mummy and thank you for being so patient with me.

And predictably enough, I haven’t given Arthur the easiest of times. And I’m not sure what’s legit and what is me being a crazy and difficult wife any more. Maybe I’ll wish I would take the below back some time later, but now I just need a space to rant – with my sister is halfway across the world and I have “no friends I can call” (at this unearthly hour, and I’ve talked to Jesus already)!

“Thank you for being at Leverage. It was special for me that Elliot was there, and even more special that you were there.” 

– why would you thank me for doing something that I want to do, or do you not believe that I want to be there “on my own”/ as much as you want me to? And you know the last part is not true, at least I don’t believe it to be. You wanted to show off Elliot and it’s his first physical outing to church, what could be more special than that?

“I cannot tell when you like people or just tolerate them” 

– am I so difficult that I don’t like a lot of people and just tolerate them? Am I that difficult to read, really? And in the context of having couple friends, what does it matter if I like them “on my own” or “because of you?” Eventually I have to like them enough for there to be a friendship, right? So what if I become friends with them through you? Plus, I made and have friends apart from you, no? I don’t wonder that with you (ie. Liking my friends’ husbands/ boyfriends), you have a higher bar for me? Or you don't trust me enough?

I miss many friendships from Singapore (they’re my childhood friends! And I still have them virtually…), but I am not living a “lesser social life” here in the States. I need no sympathy.

And then, at least I went to you when I had beef with you, but you would rather tell the church connection card that you need prayers for our marriage problems? Seriously?! 

Elliot's Birth Day - 1/27/2016

Beware: some parts might be TMI.

Despite speculation that he will arrive early, Elliot "held in there" until our scheduled induction. I was 6cm dilated that morning when we checked in around 7:30am, and Nurse Diana exclaimed, “how is it that you have not given birth already?!”

“Well, I’m glad that I will today!” I replied.

**

On our drive to the hospital, I reflected that I did not have very much “anticipatory excitement”. I was super looking forward to meeting Elliot, and was filled with joy that I would see him face to face soon. But other than the physiological symptom of sleepless nights the week prior, I was not “counting down” like Arthur nor had butterflies in my stomach.

Maybe it was the fact that it could have happened any day and I did not want to get my hopes up and down on a daily basis, my coping mechanism was to make preparations so I would be ready; and then live each day as “normally” as I possibly could and not think too much about the event happening. “When it happens, it happens” was my mantra.

I wonder if this would not be a good parallel whilst waiting for Jesus – whether after this life or for Him to come again in this one. Get ready and be prepared (this can mean so many things as shown by the parables, but I posit that at the very least is to know and have a relationship with Him), live each day on earth that He has given as faithfully as possible in the “now but not-yet” reality, and then look forward to the joy of seeing Him face to face (so that any loss associated with death or regrets associated with missed opportunities is counted as gain).

**

Things proceeded very smoothly in the hospital. They started me on the oxytocin drip at 8am, Dr. Lee came to break my water bag shortly after and then the contractions began. They got stronger progressively and by 9am, I was ready for the epidural.

I made it a point to share with them my experience with Mya’s birth – the anesthesiologist was careful not to give me too strong a dose because of my height, and I was literally watching the clock so I can push for more epi every 15 minutes. So this time around, they gave me a stronger dose which worked like a charm. Other than pins and needles in my legs, I hardly felt the contractions. I was even able to watch “You’ve got mail” with Arthur and take a short snooze.

Slightly past 12pm, I felt more pressure and called for the nurse who did not come.

And at around 1pm, Nurse Diana came in to check on me. “Oh! The head is right there! Ok time to push soon!”  She paged for Dr. Lee and made the necessary preparations.

Dr. Lee came in at around 1:25pm. I pushed once and then was told to wait for the next contraction. When the next one came, I pushed hard twice and Elliot was born at 1:33pm! Because he came out too fast, Elliot was a tat bruised in his face.

9lbs 1 oz, 22 inches. He was a big baby, but he seemed so little to me. Welcome to the world my son, my little Elliot. I love you, all of you, every bit of you, so very much already.

Susan shared this song with us and it could not come at a better time. Thanks honey for “bugging the forgetful me” to listen to this!

"I Get To Be The One"

Well hello,
Little baby.
Your eyes have never seen the sun
You should know
Little baby
That I am the lucky one

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Don't feel alone now,
Little baby.
Do you hear me singing you a song
I can't wait to show you
Little baby
How to crawl
How to walk
And how to run

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

How does someone so small
Hold my heart so tightly
I don't even know you
I love you completely

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.