Remembering 2006

*grandmama @ work here... long-winded... be warned*

The time of man on earth is short, and I almost do not remember a year in which He has not used significantly. 2006 is no exception. Am thankful for this time and space I have to remember 2006, more aptly to remember the hand of the Lord my God this past year.

If I can use a word to sum up this year, it would be baptism. Baptism of life, baptism for my soul. Having sunk to the depths of emotional pits, having emerged with a new lease of life. Grateful for every refining process He has put me through this year, and almost raring and ready to start 2007.

Early this year, had a brief taste of what it is like being in a relationship- the joy and the pain; the lessons learnt about God, myself and other-centeredness; and simply the practical experience of dating. Things changed, dreams were shattered and till then, heartache never had a more real sensation. Yet at the same time, the grieving process gave me so much more. All those who came by to spend time with me, all who cried with me, all who helplessly fed me ice-cream, all who prayed with me, all whom I know felt pain for me. Thank you.
And to this end, I want to praise God for His baptism through this. Learning so much about the extent of His love and sacrifice, seeing how He has refined me through this- granting me a new field of ministry of empathy, giving me new lenses to see the whole world of relationships. In the words of a very good friend, there are lessons a broken heart learn that can never be taught otherwise. And I am very very glad to have learnt them, hopefully. And I will praise Him because I see now, how he has used this first relationship to prepare me for this last (God willing, hopefully :p) one I will have in this life.

And of course came Beijing. here, where I am unknown and having nothing to mark myself… where I am almost certain if I am lost, no one would know; where I have no family, no past, no credentials to show of- stripped bare. And so many a nights sitting on my bed crying coz of home-sickness and a genuine loneliness. But yet these moments assured me, more real than ever, of His presence in my life. That His eyes have never left me, that I am known by Him and am His. The intimacy I could never know of at home. So I praise Him for this baptism of my relationship with Him.
And not to mention His gracious spoiling of His daughter by bringing so many people from home to visit me- Grace, Edmund, Uncle John, Auntie Hedy and AnnWei, Dad, Mum and Dagu, Xianghui, Lishan, my lil Moomoo, Baoyu (over a phone call), Charlotte, Simon, Chew Chern… The online presence of those back at home never left me too- your care and love always evident (you know who you are). And the wonderful people He has brought into my life here- my colleagues, brothers and sisters in church, and a very significant Art-her (hahahha pun intended).
I know Him as my good Father, beyond a doubt He is good. Good to me. Thank you.

Church- am almost humbled by how gracious He has been to me. Almost felt guilty settling in BICF- if I was taking the easy way out and not doing more for the local church in China. But yet He has poured out His blessings so abundantly to me through this weak and selfish decision of mine.
Allowing Arthur and me to meet, allowing me to still feel like I can be giving to His body in a small way through ISOT, allowing me to be in a small group who loves to pray and taught me so much with their lives, allowing me to be the undeserved beneficiary of so much love and friendships. The acceptance and love extended to a stranger- whom they know not what good she is and where she is from.
Not to mention the multiple times He has allowed me to testify for Him in my broken Chinese and all- not so much good I did for that person, but rather renewing my boldness to proclaim this power of God. And it is true, He has done so much for me through China than I have for Him… But I guess this is what it’s all about isn’t it.

And work has been almost amazing as well. I was taught nothing is too small for God; but I don think I ever believed it. I find it in place to pray for “big things”- things for other people, things for the world; or “holy things”- things for the church, things for Him; so I passively trust His sovereignty in my life.
I do recognize the favor He has granted me with all my bosses through my working life thus far, but the evidence of His presence and help at work has never been more real this last six months. To be praying for a colleague with a medical condition, and see her picking up right after; having the chance to share the gospel and talk deep with my colleagues; seeing how He opens my eyes to potential problems at work and enabling me to resolve them before blow-ups; convicting me when I have been complaining too much, vindicating me in kind in some occasions. He is “for me”!

Have much much more to say, but one last mention is of course finally allowing us to meet and fall in love. One who supersedes my best dream and imagination, one who has been so carefully crafted and made to fit another, one whose life has been so intricately designed to cross the paths of another… What am I left to conclude? That One Higher has written this amazing story and graciously allowed me to play a part and enjoy a love I do not deserve.

I knew then my God is good and He loves me. But I know now how He knows me by name, loves me so intimately and plans my days so intricately, that His eyes and hands are upon my life. And when you know that He is for you, you emerge alive, and new, on wings.
And you praise Him for the dark valleys, praise Him for the sticky pits, praise Him because you will never have to doubt His heart is for you even when the next storm brews.

But of course this entire life is one long baptism- till we emerge in His likeness at the end. And I know there is much to refine in me still. So for 2007, I pray more than ever to live the days before His eyes, to know Him better, love Him deeper, to shine and testify for Him before man, to desire nothing else but His will be done in my life, to follow wherever He may lead. To still, be the miry clay in His hands.

Winks

Sorry sorry sorry! I think they blocked MSN in office. Sigh… so those whom I have not chatted with in ages, sorry!!! Keep me posted, email me...
Anyway here’s just two random chewies for you… a revised rendition of a poem I wrote years ago, and a silent conviction He has placed of late.

***

Melancholy
A man’s worst enemy
Sets me binging, Easily crying

Wild thoughts race
Multiple personas come on stage
Cant decide which I want to be
All come overwhelm me

Screaming in my head
Indulging in grey
Deciding to snap out of it
Suddenly
Melancholy

***

Been doing training so often these days and I am pretty amazed. Give me any person at anytime, with the training materials and there I am rattling off with much ease and confidence. I know my stuff, I know it at the back of my hand, I know it because I work with and on it all day. Made me wonder about my skillfulness in handling God’s Word.

I used to marvel at people who quote scripture off-cuff, easily at anytime. I thought it required lots of memorizing. But now I can see how it happened. They know the Word, they know it at the back of their hand, they know it because they work with and on it all day.

My adeptness with my work stirs in me a desire to be equally, if not more skilled in His Word. I want to not train skills in using Reuters’ technology, but be there in the field training in godliness alongside with my fellow brothers and sisters. And as I sit there putting in my best for work, I want so much more to be putting that best and more for ministry in church. But will abide His time and way.

2 months +1 day

This is a self-indulgent piece. it may sound selfish in light of everything that’s happening in my life right now, and a little “out of the blue” since there are so many other things I can be writing about- my sister’s visit two weeks ago, Simon and Charlotte’s time with me here last week, meeting up with Chew Chern in Beijing, the ISOT Christmas party that just passed, reflections on the upcoming Christmas season, follow up thoughts on ministry, updates on situations at work… but… here I just want to remember a very significant two months and one day of my life..

yes, very quickly it’s gonna be one day short of nine weeks :p the story of us… *blush blush* nope, not gonna bore you with our story here- much more entertaining if you ask him to tell you in person hahahah, and I know he would love to oblige- at my expense.. but just want to give a short tribute to the man of my life in this precious space of mine, as I think about him…

Second to Christ, he is God’s staggering, personal goodness to me in flesh- I am blown away by how good God is to me by bringing him into my life. Can someone be so right?
He gives me the freedom to be the woman I want to be for God and for him- he “makes me feel alive”. Finally finding someone who loves me for my love for Him, and who loves me for me…
He knows and understands my thoughts in a way no one has ever- though moomoo you fulfill that yet on another level of course. Strange little habits and thoughts God has planted in us both, sweet…
He is everything I have ever hoped or dreamed of- not perfect by man’s standards definitely but perfect for me.

And I love him- in all his insecurities, in all his fumblings, in all his whimsicals, in all his insensitivities, in all his failings, in all his whining…
And very tacky but “I love him for the man he is, I love him for the man he wants to be, I love him for the man he almost is, I love him, I do”
Perhaps too strong a language for just two months, perhaps you might dismiss this as honeymoon candy, perhaps you think I’m crazy and treading on thin ice here with my heart again... it’s ok :p

I never thought I’d dare to give my heart again to someone I could lose- but He made me so. Don worry about me being in la-la land with the above professions. I say what I said in full view of storms that might potentially brew in the future, I say that with my feet firmly on the ground, I say that with knees knuckled- in gratitude and in total dependence on Him to bring us through. I say that in faith of our Daddy's goodness- that He is the one who brought us together, and He will have His perfect will be done...

And in light of man’s inability to see or control the future, I can say with absolute confidence that no matter what happens, he and us is His gift for this daughter of His. A gift that is good, a gift that has touched and changed my life forever, a gift that is precious and treasured. A gift that will resound in eternity, even though I may possess it only for a while on earth- but I hope and pray it’ll be for all my while on this journey here.

Hey dear,

Thank you for being who you are,
Thank you for spotting me from afar.
Thank you for being in my life,
Thank you for your love that makes me come alive.

So sorry this season has been so busy for you and I have so doubled the clutter… thank you for giving me space in your world.

Obedience-Based Decisions

An article from "TGIF Today God Is First", by Os Hillman... not an "impressive" or "intellectual" piece per say.. nor a new message that will blow one away.. but want to share this with you coz it invoked thoughts along a couple of lines that are very close to my heart..

praying that it'll be an encouragement for those who might be weary, and an alert for those who might be discouraged in ministry... that it'll be a reminder for those who might be facing cross-roads of any sort... that it'll be Daddy's "shake-shake" for those who are "caught-up in sacrifice" :)

We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him. - Acts 5:32

So often we as a society equate numbers with success. The larger the conference, the more successful we deem it. The larger a church, the more we believe that God is blessing. And so on.

I recall planning a conference one time. Registrations were not where I felt they needed to be a few weeks before the date of the event. It wasn't long before I began to get "under the pile" about the level of attendance. My friend, who was organizing this conference with me, called and asked how I was doing. I had to confess where I was. He immediately reminded me of my own teaching in this area.
We are all called to be led by the Spirit, not by outcomes. "If God called us to put on this conference, then the outcome is up to Him if we have done our part." He went on to explain how he learned this lesson in a similar way a few years earlier.

He and a friend were led to host a Bible study group. His friend was to speak. It was nine o'clock and they were the only two people there. His friend was discouraged and was ready to leave."No," said my friend. "We have done what the Holy Spirit directed." He then stood up and began to welcome people as though there were many in the room. (No one was in the room.) He introduced his friend and they began the meeting.
A few minutes later, people began to straggle in. By the time the meeting was over, ten had shown up, and one man in particular was impacted by the meeting.

Being led by the Spirit often means we must not use the world's standard for success as our measuring stick. You never know what an act of obedience will yield at the time. We must leave results to God. Our role is to obey. His role is to bring results from our obedience.

Do you make decisions based on the potential outcome or by the direction of the Holy Spirit in your life? Do you overly evaluate the pros and cons without consideration to what the Holy Spirit might be saying deep inside? We are all prone to make decisions based on reasoning alone. Ask God to give you a willingness and ability to hear the Holy Spirit and to obey His promptings.

***

i recall a chiding... so often we are tempted to measure the "succeess" of a meeting in church by numbers.. but honestly, if we do not have true believers who are genuinely after God's heart- but just people who might be there for an emotional experience or fulfilling a certain obligation and all- we have nothing more but a "church-full" of corpses... dead in the spirit, dead to God... and then the more the numbers, the larger the failing of the leader, aint it? *shudder*

and so at all times remember all He seeks is "a broken spirit and a contrite heart"... see the church from His eyes... one heart that is pure and true is worth more than a million that are not... let Him tell you what success in ministry is on the last day... meanwhile just plug on faithfully my dear pilgrims... :)

***

*pinch pinch* for me to just keep praying and waiting.. and praying and waiting... and not to try to come up with too many "brillant" ideas for the future, or plan too much by rationale... *silence*...

Status Tracking

Sorry! i know have been missing for sometime from MSN in the day and evenings... and a couple of mails i have yet to reply or sent out.. so well here's just to let you know, yes i am still ALIVE :p

it's just that work is getting more than its fair share of crazy- causing me to not "dare" take too much MC even when i am totally down..
yes, i have finally fallen ill- not too bad i'd say after being so long in a foreign land.. heheheh... and it's been terrible terrible terrible.. the chinese medicine doesnt quite make you drowsy, so even trying to sleep can be such a difficult thing to do with the discomfort. That coupled with my stress level has been causing me nightmares.. eeeks.... but well, good on the road to recovery, i think :p

but on a more upbeat note, my lil sister's here to visit!! hence less time online :p

okies, gotta head back to work.. will see you soon! :)