1. It is possible to pastor a huge church and not love God.
2. It is possible to design and preside over perfectly conceived and executed worship services and not love God.
3. It is possible to preach insightful, biblical, Christ-exalting sermons and not love God
4. It is even possible to write books that deepen others' love for God and not love God.
---Kent Hughes
And indeed,
It is possible to go to church and not love God.
It is possible to engage in the worship service and not love God.
It is possible to listen to the sermon and not love God.
It is even possible to read books about deepening my love for God
and not love God.
How am I loving God today?
Have I thought of Him of late?
Do I just know His Book?
Or how loving Him looks?
Is my heart knitted with His?
And my mind in His restful bliss?
Whether I sit or eat or talk or pray,
May I not forget to love Him every step of the way.
Sunday, May 06, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The name of the game
I don’t like competition. This is why I cannot play competitive sports, and competitive people do not like to play with me either.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the feeling of winning- who doesn’t? But surely, there can be win-win situations? And surely surely, winning does not always have to be at the expense of others. And surely surely surely, winning has to be done fair and square right?
This is why I was having a hard day in the office this afternoon, it’s not the first this has happened, but my frustration has reached its threshold.
So the company has been poaching staff from other competitors- sure no problem, I’m sure they came here voluntarily as well. But that’s ok, selling is selling. May the salesman with be best skills win.
But then, to have propriety information from competitors, circulating them- using that as a benchmark to copy- that’s just not cool. And knowing that the source of the info is from a friend, makes it even harder. I cannot say I’m surprised, I expected it from them and I expected it from him, which is why I did not want to bring anything over. I don’t want to have to give them that info or lie that “I don’t have it”.
Worst of all, I’m being asked constantly “how TR does this?” I’m reluctant to answer directly, but I can’t not answer as well.
I guess it’s normal to “play dirty” to get ahead. And perhaps, some might argue that it’s not playing dirty. Market rule dictates. They pay for the talent. And some of these things are public knowledge to some extent, or given by a prospective client they're trying to steal. But it just feels dirty. Having the info is not wrong or bad, but how one gets it matter! Use it only if you can find it on the web!
But I know my problem is that they are “stealing from TR”. I have no sympathies about the people they got from other firms like BB or CapIQ. My heart is still really there, and I want to go back and tell them to get their act together!!
And that’s why I’m going to follow up heart this time. I hope it works out. Even if I’m “sealing my career”, getting into a big fat mess, or risking get laid off, so be it. It will be in God’s hands. How often does one find something that one truly cares about, and be willing to roll in the deep for it? And of course it doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to be home more, and get more freedom. Yay!
One big lesson for me: I don’t like competition, especially dirty competition. And I am too “loyal” or “sentimental”, to betray my roots or where I come from. If I ever change my job or company again, I can’t do something too similar- otherwise there will always be these ethically hazy grounds I’ll be thrust into again.
And so indeed, the decision has been made. Sharing this here, makes it more settled for me. Now it’s fingers crossed, and I hope things go through!
Don’t get me wrong, I like the feeling of winning- who doesn’t? But surely, there can be win-win situations? And surely surely, winning does not always have to be at the expense of others. And surely surely surely, winning has to be done fair and square right?
This is why I was having a hard day in the office this afternoon, it’s not the first this has happened, but my frustration has reached its threshold.
So the company has been poaching staff from other competitors- sure no problem, I’m sure they came here voluntarily as well. But that’s ok, selling is selling. May the salesman with be best skills win.
But then, to have propriety information from competitors, circulating them- using that as a benchmark to copy- that’s just not cool. And knowing that the source of the info is from a friend, makes it even harder. I cannot say I’m surprised, I expected it from them and I expected it from him, which is why I did not want to bring anything over. I don’t want to have to give them that info or lie that “I don’t have it”.
Worst of all, I’m being asked constantly “how TR does this?” I’m reluctant to answer directly, but I can’t not answer as well.
I guess it’s normal to “play dirty” to get ahead. And perhaps, some might argue that it’s not playing dirty. Market rule dictates. They pay for the talent. And some of these things are public knowledge to some extent, or given by a prospective client they're trying to steal. But it just feels dirty. Having the info is not wrong or bad, but how one gets it matter! Use it only if you can find it on the web!
But I know my problem is that they are “stealing from TR”. I have no sympathies about the people they got from other firms like BB or CapIQ. My heart is still really there, and I want to go back and tell them to get their act together!!
And that’s why I’m going to follow up heart this time. I hope it works out. Even if I’m “sealing my career”, getting into a big fat mess, or risking get laid off, so be it. It will be in God’s hands. How often does one find something that one truly cares about, and be willing to roll in the deep for it? And of course it doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to be home more, and get more freedom. Yay!
One big lesson for me: I don’t like competition, especially dirty competition. And I am too “loyal” or “sentimental”, to betray my roots or where I come from. If I ever change my job or company again, I can’t do something too similar- otherwise there will always be these ethically hazy grounds I’ll be thrust into again.
And so indeed, the decision has been made. Sharing this here, makes it more settled for me. Now it’s fingers crossed, and I hope things go through!
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Good bye Ah-Ma
Good bye, grandma. I’ll miss you. You are such a remarkable mother. You rode the junk boat from China to Singapore to look for grandpa all by yourself. You lived through World War II. You raised all 9 children by yourself after grandpa died, you never remarried. You ran a bicycle shop, paid off grandpa’s debts, and sent all of your children through college, single-handedly. You raised them well- to be men and women of good values, and you were a great mother-in-law. You are so dear to them.
Good bye grandma, I’ll miss you. You are a wonderful grandmother.
You shielded me from mummy’s strokes of cane, you took me to go marketing. You cooked so many delicious meals, and left us wonderful recipes. You showed strength through your recovery from your accident, and you wanted so much to be independent. You held on for so long, even through the last few years. You were a wonderful grandmother. You are so dear to me.
I wish I remember more of the things we did together, I wish we were living together in the last days of your life. I asked you more questions about your stories and sat by you and listened more. I wish life had be easier on you, I wish the motorcycle did not knock you down. I wish you did not have to be confined to a room, and then a bed. I wish death had been easier for you. I’ll miss you Ah-ma.
Now my hope is in God, that in those last days when no one could reach you, He reached down deep inside and saved you. That He who would never judge unjustly, would be merciful to us all. I hope to see you again someday, and I hope we’ll be together again.
Sorry that I am not there to remember you with the rest of the family, but you will always be in my heart. I love you Ah-ma. I miss you.
Good bye grandma, I’ll miss you. You are a wonderful grandmother.
You shielded me from mummy’s strokes of cane, you took me to go marketing. You cooked so many delicious meals, and left us wonderful recipes. You showed strength through your recovery from your accident, and you wanted so much to be independent. You held on for so long, even through the last few years. You were a wonderful grandmother. You are so dear to me.
I wish I remember more of the things we did together, I wish we were living together in the last days of your life. I asked you more questions about your stories and sat by you and listened more. I wish life had be easier on you, I wish the motorcycle did not knock you down. I wish you did not have to be confined to a room, and then a bed. I wish death had been easier for you. I’ll miss you Ah-ma.
Now my hope is in God, that in those last days when no one could reach you, He reached down deep inside and saved you. That He who would never judge unjustly, would be merciful to us all. I hope to see you again someday, and I hope we’ll be together again.
Sorry that I am not there to remember you with the rest of the family, but you will always be in my heart. I love you Ah-ma. I miss you.
Good Friday
Why is this night different from all the other nights?
Why is this day different from all the other days?
It was the night that You saved Your people from slavery
It was the day You marched them into freedom and towards Your Promised Land.
It was the night when blood was shed to escape death
It was the day Your promises to the patriarchs were fulfilled.
It was the night that You were betrayed by those You love
It was the day You were crucified and forsaken.
It was the night Your obedience to the Father’s will brought You sorrow
It was the day Your death brought us life.
It was the night we were saved from our slavery to sin
It was the day we had a chance at true freedom and Your new creation
It was the night we catch a glimpse of what obedience to the Father meant
It was the day our Lord was nailed to a cross.
This is the night we remember who You are to us
This is the day we remember what You have done for us
This is the night that reminds us of the night within us
This is the day that reminds us of the Light You have put in us.
Are You here yet Lord?
When will You come to visit us again?
Why is this day different from all the other days?
It was the night that You saved Your people from slavery
It was the day You marched them into freedom and towards Your Promised Land.
It was the night when blood was shed to escape death
It was the day Your promises to the patriarchs were fulfilled.
It was the night that You were betrayed by those You love
It was the day You were crucified and forsaken.
It was the night Your obedience to the Father’s will brought You sorrow
It was the day Your death brought us life.
It was the night we were saved from our slavery to sin
It was the day we had a chance at true freedom and Your new creation
It was the night we catch a glimpse of what obedience to the Father meant
It was the day our Lord was nailed to a cross.
This is the night we remember who You are to us
This is the day we remember what You have done for us
This is the night that reminds us of the night within us
This is the day that reminds us of the Light You have put in us.
Are You here yet Lord?
When will You come to visit us again?
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Another round in the woods
One’s values are truly tested when faced with a choice. And when feeling humans are up against the corporation, the odds seem doomed.
For many years now, I thought that I’ve figured out the role of work in my life. That it is primarily a means that God has given to provide for my family, and an avenue to glorify Him in my attitudes and relationships with my colleagues. It is a school in which He uses to teach us lessons about contentment, and a way He may surprise us by providing us with unexpected joy in our toil.
If that were true, why was I frustrated by the idea of me and my work “not going anywhere” in TR? Do I have hidden ambition that I am clueless about? I don’t think I have crazy ambitions, but what on earth do I want out of my work?
And I thought I figured out how to make decisions within God’s permissive will. I used to quip, “Take the journey with God, and He will impress upon your heart and lead you to where He wants you to be”. Yet, I feel completely lost in my current predicament still (yes, TR contacted me again). What happens when my head and my heart are in different places? Perhaps I’m really “far from Him” right now, but can He please take over and have His will be done?
The reasons why I want to go back to TR are out of my sentimentality for the people there, and my desire to help out in the difficult situation the project is in right now. It’s going to be frustrating, difficult, a “death sentence” on my career possibly by making yet another lateral move, and a ride in a “sinking ship”. No one who has left ever wants to go back, I’m told. And people whom I like may leave and change, and the company will not have any sentimentality when they put down the axe.
All in all, it really makes no sense for me to return- perhaps the draw of working with people whom I admire and like, the slightly higher salary, more flexibility, working from home fully, be challenged and business trips to places I like. Isn’t this all worth it?
The reasons I should stay in M* is that it will be better for my career, the work is easier, the company is in a better place, I could get to try my hands at management to see if it’s a good fit, I’m in the middle of projects- I’ll let another team down by leaving them halfway, and I cannot think of any push factors. But I’m resisting opening my heart to the company and people here. I am not miserable, and I do like some of the people here. I guess I could survive and try to enjoy myself, but I’ll always be thinking of the people I left behind.
Pray tell now, what shall I do? I made a decision with my head once previously, and now another opportunity is presenting itself. Why? Should I try going with my heart this time? Or am I just being silly?
One lesson I have learnt for sure- empathy when people are struggling with decision-making. It can be so hard, so distracting.
Want to know God's will for your life?
"Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God" (Kevin DeYoung)
“ The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. ”
— John Milton
For many years now, I thought that I’ve figured out the role of work in my life. That it is primarily a means that God has given to provide for my family, and an avenue to glorify Him in my attitudes and relationships with my colleagues. It is a school in which He uses to teach us lessons about contentment, and a way He may surprise us by providing us with unexpected joy in our toil.
If that were true, why was I frustrated by the idea of me and my work “not going anywhere” in TR? Do I have hidden ambition that I am clueless about? I don’t think I have crazy ambitions, but what on earth do I want out of my work?
And I thought I figured out how to make decisions within God’s permissive will. I used to quip, “Take the journey with God, and He will impress upon your heart and lead you to where He wants you to be”. Yet, I feel completely lost in my current predicament still (yes, TR contacted me again). What happens when my head and my heart are in different places? Perhaps I’m really “far from Him” right now, but can He please take over and have His will be done?
The reasons why I want to go back to TR are out of my sentimentality for the people there, and my desire to help out in the difficult situation the project is in right now. It’s going to be frustrating, difficult, a “death sentence” on my career possibly by making yet another lateral move, and a ride in a “sinking ship”. No one who has left ever wants to go back, I’m told. And people whom I like may leave and change, and the company will not have any sentimentality when they put down the axe.
All in all, it really makes no sense for me to return- perhaps the draw of working with people whom I admire and like, the slightly higher salary, more flexibility, working from home fully, be challenged and business trips to places I like. Isn’t this all worth it?
The reasons I should stay in M* is that it will be better for my career, the work is easier, the company is in a better place, I could get to try my hands at management to see if it’s a good fit, I’m in the middle of projects- I’ll let another team down by leaving them halfway, and I cannot think of any push factors. But I’m resisting opening my heart to the company and people here. I am not miserable, and I do like some of the people here. I guess I could survive and try to enjoy myself, but I’ll always be thinking of the people I left behind.
Pray tell now, what shall I do? I made a decision with my head once previously, and now another opportunity is presenting itself. Why? Should I try going with my heart this time? Or am I just being silly?
One lesson I have learnt for sure- empathy when people are struggling with decision-making. It can be so hard, so distracting.
Want to know God's will for your life?
"Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God" (Kevin DeYoung)
“ The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. ”
— John Milton
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Lessons from walking in the dark
It’s been quite a long couple of weeks. A long winding journey in the woods, with me feeling lost and distracted as I “take steps in the dark”. And I’m still trying to process the lessons He would have my heart and mind learn through this.
For those who do not know, I’ve had yet another episode of work saga in the last month. I’ve struggled with my loss of flexibility in my new company (M*) for a long time, and with the work nature and environment very different from what I expected, I thought of going back to my old company (TR). Just when I decided to put that option to rest, my ex-manager called me up and asked if I would consider going back. I figured it will not hurt to hear what she has to offer. I thought God was giving me a second chance when I learnt to be content where i was.
My heart very much wanted to go back to TR, but my head knows that M* would be a better place. I’m thankful for the many wise voices in my life. I almost took the offer to return, but in the end, I decided to stay in M* as they agreed to give me some flexibility.
It was a very distracting process, and all I could think of during that whole month when I had some down time was the choice. Arthur and I spent many hours talking the issue to the ground. Until the end, we were both exhausted. Especially myself, I was so lost. I found myself incapable of bringing that issue to God, without going down the rabbit trail. All I thought of was myself. I knew I should, and I wanted to, find God, hear from Him, take the journey with Him; but I could not. I kept walking, groping in the dark, hitting walls.
As a result of being lost, I could not see the picture clearly. I knew I was like an Israelite wanting to go back to Egypt. But then I also rationalized that I could be the prodigal daughter, who should not be afraid to return, if my first choice was wrong. Yet, I could never forget the firm conviction of going to M* then. So what was I to do? Maybe there is no right or wrong choice here, but how should I choose? Which spiritual picture was my true reality? I tried using coin tossing to determine God’s choice, and tried reading His signs in the stars. They all pointed to what my heart wanted.
Despite the strong urgings of my heart, I could not shake off what my head was telling me. In the last moment, I decided to go with my head. I am not proud of the choice, struggled with whether i was disobeying God, but knew my only choice at this point is to trust Him and move forward.
I wish I could say this have been a spiritual journey, but I think I failed badly at this test. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient. 2 lessons I hope to learn from this -
1. If there is no clear conviction to move, stay where you are right now. His call to leave will come very clearly. There may be uncertainty or doubt, but getting self-absorbed about it, is not a place where He wants us to be.
2. He leads BOTH in our hearts and mind. If your heart is cluttered, and because the heart can be so deceitful, trust that He has given us mental faculties to do rational decision-making. Take courage and follow your head, as long as their motivations before Him are pure. He will align our hearts in time. Our brains are a gift from Him too you know!
Sitting here now, I know that God is gracious in this process. In the end, I got the flexibility I needed, with the M* management getting to know what is important to me and my “problems” in the coming months; in a much better working environment. But I came in this close, to going back to TR. Perhaps, going back would have worked out well too, coz He always works things out.
I am not overwhelmed by His gracious guidance at this point yet, but I know it will all become clear further down the road. For now, I am at rest and content with the silent peace He has come to place in my heart.
For those who do not know, I’ve had yet another episode of work saga in the last month. I’ve struggled with my loss of flexibility in my new company (M*) for a long time, and with the work nature and environment very different from what I expected, I thought of going back to my old company (TR). Just when I decided to put that option to rest, my ex-manager called me up and asked if I would consider going back. I figured it will not hurt to hear what she has to offer. I thought God was giving me a second chance when I learnt to be content where i was.
My heart very much wanted to go back to TR, but my head knows that M* would be a better place. I’m thankful for the many wise voices in my life. I almost took the offer to return, but in the end, I decided to stay in M* as they agreed to give me some flexibility.
It was a very distracting process, and all I could think of during that whole month when I had some down time was the choice. Arthur and I spent many hours talking the issue to the ground. Until the end, we were both exhausted. Especially myself, I was so lost. I found myself incapable of bringing that issue to God, without going down the rabbit trail. All I thought of was myself. I knew I should, and I wanted to, find God, hear from Him, take the journey with Him; but I could not. I kept walking, groping in the dark, hitting walls.
As a result of being lost, I could not see the picture clearly. I knew I was like an Israelite wanting to go back to Egypt. But then I also rationalized that I could be the prodigal daughter, who should not be afraid to return, if my first choice was wrong. Yet, I could never forget the firm conviction of going to M* then. So what was I to do? Maybe there is no right or wrong choice here, but how should I choose? Which spiritual picture was my true reality? I tried using coin tossing to determine God’s choice, and tried reading His signs in the stars. They all pointed to what my heart wanted.
Despite the strong urgings of my heart, I could not shake off what my head was telling me. In the last moment, I decided to go with my head. I am not proud of the choice, struggled with whether i was disobeying God, but knew my only choice at this point is to trust Him and move forward.
I wish I could say this have been a spiritual journey, but I think I failed badly at this test. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient. 2 lessons I hope to learn from this -
1. If there is no clear conviction to move, stay where you are right now. His call to leave will come very clearly. There may be uncertainty or doubt, but getting self-absorbed about it, is not a place where He wants us to be.
2. He leads BOTH in our hearts and mind. If your heart is cluttered, and because the heart can be so deceitful, trust that He has given us mental faculties to do rational decision-making. Take courage and follow your head, as long as their motivations before Him are pure. He will align our hearts in time. Our brains are a gift from Him too you know!
Sitting here now, I know that God is gracious in this process. In the end, I got the flexibility I needed, with the M* management getting to know what is important to me and my “problems” in the coming months; in a much better working environment. But I came in this close, to going back to TR. Perhaps, going back would have worked out well too, coz He always works things out.
I am not overwhelmed by His gracious guidance at this point yet, but I know it will all become clear further down the road. For now, I am at rest and content with the silent peace He has come to place in my heart.
Monday, February 13, 2012
What can I say
How can i make her see
He means so much to me
That I cannot possibly choose
Between them two
How can i make him see
She is so important to me
That my heart breaks
At her insanity
How can i make her see
She too has some responsibility
For the way he has always been
For things to change in the future unseen
How can I make him see
He has his share of duty
For who she is yesterday till today
For her tomorrow to be grey or gay
How can i make them see
Their cycles have rendered us weary
We border between numbness and pain
Hope seems increasingly faint
How can i make You see
Only You hold out the promise
Please, things can't remain the same
How long more the seeking in Your Name
He means so much to me
That I cannot possibly choose
Between them two
How can i make him see
She is so important to me
That my heart breaks
At her insanity
How can i make her see
She too has some responsibility
For the way he has always been
For things to change in the future unseen
How can I make him see
He has his share of duty
For who she is yesterday till today
For her tomorrow to be grey or gay
How can i make them see
Their cycles have rendered us weary
We border between numbness and pain
Hope seems increasingly faint
How can i make You see
Only You hold out the promise
Please, things can't remain the same
How long more the seeking in Your Name
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Man's search for Meaning
Viktor E. Frankl had been my friend on the train rides recently. In his quest to answer Man’s Search for Meaning, he recounts his time in Auschwitz and his insights on logotherapy. Central to his theory, and affirmed by his harrowing experiences, is the conviction that the primary drive for man is not the pursuit of pleasure, but the pursuit of meaning.
And this search is a timeless one. Be it in the 1940s during World War II, or today in 2012 during times or relative peace, the existential question is asked over and over again.
“What is the point of staying alive, when the future is but fraught with fear and uncertainty of when I will be sent to the gas chamber?”
“What is the point of my work and my days, when I do not know what I am rushing for?”
I resonated with much of what Viktor has shared. Instead of clumsily trying to express what he has shared, I shall share some of my favourite quotes/ ideas from this wonderful literature itself.
1. On the meaning of life
And this search is a timeless one. Be it in the 1940s during World War II, or today in 2012 during times or relative peace, the existential question is asked over and over again.
“What is the point of staying alive, when the future is but fraught with fear and uncertainty of when I will be sent to the gas chamber?”
“What is the point of my work and my days, when I do not know what I am rushing for?”
I resonated with much of what Viktor has shared. Instead of clumsily trying to express what he has shared, I shall share some of my favourite quotes/ ideas from this wonderful literature itself.
1. On the meaning of life
- “It is we ourselves who must answer the questions that life asks of us, and to these questions we can respond only by being responsible for our existence.”
- Frankl quotes from Nietzsche “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how”
- “I do not forget any good deed done to me, and I do not carry a grudge for a bad one”.
- Frankl’s imperative: “Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now”
- Make the best possible use of each moment of our lives. The opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibility of our lives.
- “The person who attacks the problems of life actively.. can reflect on the life he has already lived to the fullest..” It does not mater if he is noticing that he is growing old, nor have any reason to envy the young, nor wax nostalgic over his own lost youth. For he can say, “Instead of possibilities, I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy.”
- Know how to suffer- since suffering is inevitable.
- In the walls of Auschwitz, it made him realize that no matter what happened, he retained the freedom to choose how to respond to his suffering. It is not just an option, but every person’s responsibility to choose “the way in which he bears his burden”.
- “So let us be alert- alert in a twofold sense: Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake”
- “Man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips”
Friday, December 30, 2011
Closing in on 2011
When I stand here and look back at 2011 as it slips away, I feel the excitement of starting out on a journey that I have no map for. It’s like being in the womb, getting ready for re-birth- I know God is doing something in our hearts, minds and lives through all the experiences He has given to us.
Even though I am enjoying it and my heart is full of joy in the midst of it- this is not to say that there are not moments when I’m not kicking and screaming; I know for sure that I would be choked with gratitude and amazement down the road when I see his plan unfold further. This would perhaps be the best summation of my 2011.
Magazines draw up lists with their annual swan issue, and I will not be outdone. So here are some of my lists.
Ten things I'd like to remember about 2011
1. Visit to Bemidgi – meeting Grammy for the first time, snow-mobiling, playing games with Uncle Vic, Aunt Carol, Aunt Marty and meeting Dave’s beautiful family.
2. Ice-skating – it was one of my goals to learn how to ice-skate last winter, and I am proud to say that after several trips to the rink, at least I can ice-walk and ice-glide. Thanks to my ever patient husband cum ice skating instructor.
3. Min’s visit – loved being able to share my love of New York and Chicago with her. Every experience will only be made complete having shared it with Arthur and her, thank you for coming Moo Moo!
4. Saying good-bye to New York and San Francisco – I’m not sure when I’ll ever set foot to these 2 cities that I’ve come to know and love. Saying good-bye to TR meant saying good-bye to business trips to these 2 cities as well. I’ll miss them.
5. Family moments/ weekend – there are numerous memorable family memories this year: visiting Albuquerque and Peoria, the whole Kok gang descending in Chicago for David’s wedding, having the family in our tiny apartment, Thanksgiving tradition @ Ed & Lucy’s, seeing the Christmas lights with Dad, Mum and Susan, Christmas fun especially with Katie, Luke and AnnE of Green Gables.
6. Trinity – I cannot believe that I just started school in January! Some classes that have made the most impact to-date are: Counseling skills, Group Counseling, Ministry Ethics, Biblical Theology, and Preaching for Partners. I know they have changed me, and will continue working in me in the days to come.
7. Changing jobs – What shall I say? Three months into it has made me more sympathetic to the Israelites than ever before. I still love and miss my ex-colleagues there dearly, and turning back is more than a fleeting thought. Nonetheless, I know this whole experience is ordained and worth-it. How would I know how it feels like to be a newbie, to regret, to doubt and complain about His gift & guidance? But I’m still kicking and screaming, and not out of my vocational crisis yet.
8. Bryan’s death – “I’ll miss you Bryan, and you will always be one of the best mangers I’ve had. Thank you for bringing me to the States, and teaching me so much by the example that you are. I still cannot believe you’re gone. Good-bye, Bryan.”
9. VCL – week by week, my attachment to this church family grows. Through ministry, fellowship, and fun events, I love getting to know the names, faces and stories behind each person. God has been so gracious in giving us this healing and nurturing community!
10. Hosting – all the guests we’ve had this year, for meals or stay-overs! We are thankful that God has given us the gifts, opportunities and love for the hospitality ministry. We sure hope that this will be a long-term ministry for our family.
Ten Hope-to-Dos in 2012
1. Getting pregnant – yes, it’s right up there on our list and you heard it from here. No more speculation and nagging! It’s a huge faith journey, and I’m still praying for enough faith to embark on this. Please keep us and our unborn little one in prayer.
2. Skiing – Yes, a couple of items on this list has to do with #1. I’m hoping to squeeze this one in this crazy winter though I would most likely be tumbling down the hills…
3. Practicum – I’m really looking forward to my Counseling practicum, to consolidate the learnings thus far, and to gain more experience in this part of ministry.
4. Cutting down on carbs and sugars – this has very little to do with vanity, really. Rather, training of the will-power and self-control. I have at least 5 chocolate feeding times each day in 2011, trying to cut it down to one feeding time in 2012.
5. Consistent Quiet Time – not very good about it this year. Will need to make it the first thing I do on the train-ride.
6. Exercise – Will need to figure a new routine given the new work arrangement. At least three times a week!
7. Watching a musical/ production – keeping with the yearly tradition…
8. Reading 2 fiction books – I’m not always good about picking out fiction books to read. Need to build that back into my life.
9. Read Steve Job’s autobiography
10. Making one new dish a month – I’ll discount accidental creations, and would try my best to follow recipes! :)
Even though I am enjoying it and my heart is full of joy in the midst of it- this is not to say that there are not moments when I’m not kicking and screaming; I know for sure that I would be choked with gratitude and amazement down the road when I see his plan unfold further. This would perhaps be the best summation of my 2011.
Magazines draw up lists with their annual swan issue, and I will not be outdone. So here are some of my lists.
Ten things I'd like to remember about 2011
1. Visit to Bemidgi – meeting Grammy for the first time, snow-mobiling, playing games with Uncle Vic, Aunt Carol, Aunt Marty and meeting Dave’s beautiful family.
2. Ice-skating – it was one of my goals to learn how to ice-skate last winter, and I am proud to say that after several trips to the rink, at least I can ice-walk and ice-glide. Thanks to my ever patient husband cum ice skating instructor.
3. Min’s visit – loved being able to share my love of New York and Chicago with her. Every experience will only be made complete having shared it with Arthur and her, thank you for coming Moo Moo!
4. Saying good-bye to New York and San Francisco – I’m not sure when I’ll ever set foot to these 2 cities that I’ve come to know and love. Saying good-bye to TR meant saying good-bye to business trips to these 2 cities as well. I’ll miss them.
5. Family moments/ weekend – there are numerous memorable family memories this year: visiting Albuquerque and Peoria, the whole Kok gang descending in Chicago for David’s wedding, having the family in our tiny apartment, Thanksgiving tradition @ Ed & Lucy’s, seeing the Christmas lights with Dad, Mum and Susan, Christmas fun especially with Katie, Luke and AnnE of Green Gables.
6. Trinity – I cannot believe that I just started school in January! Some classes that have made the most impact to-date are: Counseling skills, Group Counseling, Ministry Ethics, Biblical Theology, and Preaching for Partners. I know they have changed me, and will continue working in me in the days to come.
7. Changing jobs – What shall I say? Three months into it has made me more sympathetic to the Israelites than ever before. I still love and miss my ex-colleagues there dearly, and turning back is more than a fleeting thought. Nonetheless, I know this whole experience is ordained and worth-it. How would I know how it feels like to be a newbie, to regret, to doubt and complain about His gift & guidance? But I’m still kicking and screaming, and not out of my vocational crisis yet.
8. Bryan’s death – “I’ll miss you Bryan, and you will always be one of the best mangers I’ve had. Thank you for bringing me to the States, and teaching me so much by the example that you are. I still cannot believe you’re gone. Good-bye, Bryan.”
9. VCL – week by week, my attachment to this church family grows. Through ministry, fellowship, and fun events, I love getting to know the names, faces and stories behind each person. God has been so gracious in giving us this healing and nurturing community!
10. Hosting – all the guests we’ve had this year, for meals or stay-overs! We are thankful that God has given us the gifts, opportunities and love for the hospitality ministry. We sure hope that this will be a long-term ministry for our family.
Ten Hope-to-Dos in 2012
1. Getting pregnant – yes, it’s right up there on our list and you heard it from here. No more speculation and nagging! It’s a huge faith journey, and I’m still praying for enough faith to embark on this. Please keep us and our unborn little one in prayer.
2. Skiing – Yes, a couple of items on this list has to do with #1. I’m hoping to squeeze this one in this crazy winter though I would most likely be tumbling down the hills…
3. Practicum – I’m really looking forward to my Counseling practicum, to consolidate the learnings thus far, and to gain more experience in this part of ministry.
4. Cutting down on carbs and sugars – this has very little to do with vanity, really. Rather, training of the will-power and self-control. I have at least 5 chocolate feeding times each day in 2011, trying to cut it down to one feeding time in 2012.
5. Consistent Quiet Time – not very good about it this year. Will need to make it the first thing I do on the train-ride.
6. Exercise – Will need to figure a new routine given the new work arrangement. At least three times a week!
7. Watching a musical/ production – keeping with the yearly tradition…
8. Reading 2 fiction books – I’m not always good about picking out fiction books to read. Need to build that back into my life.
9. Read Steve Job’s autobiography
10. Making one new dish a month – I’ll discount accidental creations, and would try my best to follow recipes! :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Your holiness and my loneliness
I was hungry and you held meetings to discuss my hunger
I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to pray for my release
I was persecuted and you explained to me how Christ was persecuted
I was sick and you knelt down and thanked God for your health
I was homeless and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God
I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me
You seem so holy and I am still very lonely
I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to pray for my release
I was persecuted and you explained to me how Christ was persecuted
I was sick and you knelt down and thanked God for your health
I was homeless and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God
I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me
You seem so holy and I am still very lonely
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
One month in...
Hi there!
It has been a month since I started at Morningstar. If I had a chance to have coffee with you, I’m sure you’ll be asking me how it has been. So I’m going to have this cup of coffee with you, sipping slowly miles across the oceans.
It had been 8 years since I started at a new company, so I have forgotten what it is like to be the “new person”. I missed my old colleagues a LOT a LOT in the first 2 weeks. Coming from a place where people knew you, liked you and you have worked so well with, to a place where people did not know you and possibly saw you as a threat. I felt like the Israelite who wanted to go back to Egypt- things were better back then! At this point, I feel a little more settled in, but still convinced that what I had at TR was so special, things will never be the same.
Work is somewhat easier here, since it’s not a new game. So I’m kinda bored and unchallenged. Truth be told, I have very little motivation to push myself to do more. I miss bouncing ideas off more experienced people, be pushed to consider an alternative perspectives, colleagues whom I genuinely like working with and would go the distance for them. And I guess, what I had been involved prior had been so massive and challenging, that peanuts are just boring now.
On one hand, having experience and being good at something is a good thing; but I would hate to be stuck doing the same thing. Then again, it’s just the first month. So I hope I’ll get a change some day- after all, that was what I came here for.
I also realized that I have been thoroughly spoilt. I was very disgruntled when my manager’s manager made such a big deal about my flexibility request, escalating it all the way up to senior management. So much for priding itself on being a flexible company! Cognitively, I understand where they are coming from, they don’t know me well enough, and I’m making all sorts of demands even before proving myself. But still… Lesson learnt: it’s not enough to have verbal agreement during the interview process, ensure every request is written into the contract!
I’m starting to sound really whiney, aren’t I? Ok.. things are not that bad- there are some other spiritual lessons I’ve learnt and blessings I can count apart from the above.
Initially I was a little concerned reporting to my very good friend. Though I was not thrilled then, I am thankful for it now. God in some ways had arranged for Jung-min to come and help ease things for me! All the way from New York, to come and be my friend in the company, and an advocate in helping me with all the HR and managerial hoops I had to jump through for my flexibility requirements. I thought I could count on my abilities to get what I need and want, but who knows what could have happened? And coming from a merit-based system in Singapore and being confident that I “earned my stripes” in TR, I am not sure if I’ve ever had, or appreciated having a friend and advocate… But now I do. A friend and an advocate- it’s so precious that we have them! Transferring that to the Friend and Advocate we have in Jesus, who is infinitely more able, our salvation is secure!
I am happy that I get to leave my work behind when I shut down- much lesser stress from work. I am enjoying my train rides and walks down to the office too- there’s much to do, listen to, watch and pray about. And I am catching glimpses of desires to honor Him in my work, and be a good testimony- help me Lord to think every thought for You!
It has been a month since I started at Morningstar. If I had a chance to have coffee with you, I’m sure you’ll be asking me how it has been. So I’m going to have this cup of coffee with you, sipping slowly miles across the oceans.
It had been 8 years since I started at a new company, so I have forgotten what it is like to be the “new person”. I missed my old colleagues a LOT a LOT in the first 2 weeks. Coming from a place where people knew you, liked you and you have worked so well with, to a place where people did not know you and possibly saw you as a threat. I felt like the Israelite who wanted to go back to Egypt- things were better back then! At this point, I feel a little more settled in, but still convinced that what I had at TR was so special, things will never be the same.
Work is somewhat easier here, since it’s not a new game. So I’m kinda bored and unchallenged. Truth be told, I have very little motivation to push myself to do more. I miss bouncing ideas off more experienced people, be pushed to consider an alternative perspectives, colleagues whom I genuinely like working with and would go the distance for them. And I guess, what I had been involved prior had been so massive and challenging, that peanuts are just boring now.
On one hand, having experience and being good at something is a good thing; but I would hate to be stuck doing the same thing. Then again, it’s just the first month. So I hope I’ll get a change some day- after all, that was what I came here for.
I also realized that I have been thoroughly spoilt. I was very disgruntled when my manager’s manager made such a big deal about my flexibility request, escalating it all the way up to senior management. So much for priding itself on being a flexible company! Cognitively, I understand where they are coming from, they don’t know me well enough, and I’m making all sorts of demands even before proving myself. But still… Lesson learnt: it’s not enough to have verbal agreement during the interview process, ensure every request is written into the contract!
I’m starting to sound really whiney, aren’t I? Ok.. things are not that bad- there are some other spiritual lessons I’ve learnt and blessings I can count apart from the above.
Initially I was a little concerned reporting to my very good friend. Though I was not thrilled then, I am thankful for it now. God in some ways had arranged for Jung-min to come and help ease things for me! All the way from New York, to come and be my friend in the company, and an advocate in helping me with all the HR and managerial hoops I had to jump through for my flexibility requirements. I thought I could count on my abilities to get what I need and want, but who knows what could have happened? And coming from a merit-based system in Singapore and being confident that I “earned my stripes” in TR, I am not sure if I’ve ever had, or appreciated having a friend and advocate… But now I do. A friend and an advocate- it’s so precious that we have them! Transferring that to the Friend and Advocate we have in Jesus, who is infinitely more able, our salvation is secure!
I am happy that I get to leave my work behind when I shut down- much lesser stress from work. I am enjoying my train rides and walks down to the office too- there’s much to do, listen to, watch and pray about. And I am catching glimpses of desires to honor Him in my work, and be a good testimony- help me Lord to think every thought for You!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Going on Thirty
So I've hit the Big 3; and I'm late for this blog post by 14 days. Sorry! Been a little too busy- with starting in my new job, keeping up with school work, the many monthly ministry commitments, and all the ad-hoc fun stuff we are "obligated" to do. This is pretty much the story of my life these days. But it's good that this old friend keeps me in check; and stealing some time to do this, is important and good and very much needed.
I am amazed at what God can do in thirty years. I am still a very messy lump of clay no doubt, but I'm thankful the Potter is still keeping me in His hands and all that He has done in moulding me till this very day. From an infant who needs to be fed and taken care of, to a rebellious child who has done much wrong, to a teenage girl with poor self-identity, to a young woman whom God sought despite her sin and ignorance, to a thirty-year-old who knows who she is today in Christ, and excited to see what God will do in her every tomorrow.
So who am I at thirty?
1. Feeling fairly comfortable with myself, my self-awareness, my coping mechanisms, my looks and my imperfections. I still have insecurities and questions about all these things, but at least I don't second guess myself for too long or too much any more- usually.
2. Feeling like I am at the prime of my life, that there is so much more I can offer to this world which has so many needs. And I'm still trying to find what it is. The tension between practical comforts and spiritual fulfillment; between being grounded and a naive dreamer- the time will come when it will all come together. I have faith. One day. Some day.
3. Feeling very loved, blessed and affirmed. All the above would not have been possible if God had not given me every single person I have, and ever had in my life.. especially the man who loves me and believes in me more than I believe in myself; and the sister who knows me and is always there for me.
4. Looking forward to growing old- because I am learning that there is no short-cut to wisdom. I love every step He's led me; and I know i still have a long way to go. There is so much to learn in the school of life. I pray He'll lead me to places, and open my eyes to the way He wants my heart to break for the broken-ness He sees.
5. Looking forward to the joys of parenting some time in the few years- God willing; but also knowing that I will never stop feeling like the little girl who is trying to learn to do what she's doing.
So here's where I am today... Thank you for being interested in me enough to read this- it means a lot that you are in my life. I thank God for you, and I love you!
I am amazed at what God can do in thirty years. I am still a very messy lump of clay no doubt, but I'm thankful the Potter is still keeping me in His hands and all that He has done in moulding me till this very day. From an infant who needs to be fed and taken care of, to a rebellious child who has done much wrong, to a teenage girl with poor self-identity, to a young woman whom God sought despite her sin and ignorance, to a thirty-year-old who knows who she is today in Christ, and excited to see what God will do in her every tomorrow.
So who am I at thirty?
1. Feeling fairly comfortable with myself, my self-awareness, my coping mechanisms, my looks and my imperfections. I still have insecurities and questions about all these things, but at least I don't second guess myself for too long or too much any more- usually.
2. Feeling like I am at the prime of my life, that there is so much more I can offer to this world which has so many needs. And I'm still trying to find what it is. The tension between practical comforts and spiritual fulfillment; between being grounded and a naive dreamer- the time will come when it will all come together. I have faith. One day. Some day.
3. Feeling very loved, blessed and affirmed. All the above would not have been possible if God had not given me every single person I have, and ever had in my life.. especially the man who loves me and believes in me more than I believe in myself; and the sister who knows me and is always there for me.
4. Looking forward to growing old- because I am learning that there is no short-cut to wisdom. I love every step He's led me; and I know i still have a long way to go. There is so much to learn in the school of life. I pray He'll lead me to places, and open my eyes to the way He wants my heart to break for the broken-ness He sees.
5. Looking forward to the joys of parenting some time in the few years- God willing; but also knowing that I will never stop feeling like the little girl who is trying to learn to do what she's doing.
So here's where I am today... Thank you for being interested in me enough to read this- it means a lot that you are in my life. I thank God for you, and I love you!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Funny little things... called TEETH
Ever wondered why God created the human teeth the way He did? These funny (painful) little things.
The baby experiences so much discomfort during the teething stage. Fever, pain and non-stop crying. And finally the tiny milk teeth pops out and they last only about a decade. All the stories about losing those early pearlies- Crunch on an apple! Tie the tooth to the door knob and slam the door shut! Better to lose them early so you can still tell your parents you believe in the tooth fairy...
It's always fun to skip classes, but every student would tell you that they would rather sit in class than be summoned by the school dental nurse. Sitting on that dental chair, having the bright spotlight shine on your face, all the metallic tools that makes sounds like fingernails scratching across a blackboard- how can anyone's growing up years not be scarred by visits to the dentist?
And then the adult teeth. Where shall I begin?
I think most people are not blessed with perfect photogenic teeth. Someone should do a poll some time. I don't think I need to elaborate on the pain associated with orthodontics.
There's bound to be some decay at some point- not all the brushing, flossing, scaling and polishing could have saved you from that. And when the decay gets bad enough, you will need a root canal and a crown. Both the endodontist and general dentist visits will cost you an arm and a leg.
But it's not just about the money, little did you realize that you have so many nerves in the teeth region connecting to your brain! And the nerves in the upper and lower jaw are lined up very differently. So you have this terrible terrible headache that will not stop throbbing when you get a bad decay. Ouch.. Only painkillers will help.
I wonder about people living in the old times, before dentistry is as advanced as it is today. Maybe a lot of people just live with perpetual pain when they have problems with their teeth- that's why they have a lower quality of life. Maybe they just keep chewing cocaine. Maybe some of them do die from terrible dental issues.
It's not like you get to keep the adult teeth forever. If you live long enough, eventually you'll need dentures- unless you're like my grandmother who still has most of her teeth with her at the ripe old age of 89.
Why did God create teeth the way He did? I don't understand.. If I were Him, I would surely not create these tiny pieces of calcium in man's mouth to be so sensitive.. Maybe I need to meditate more, there must be a reason somewhere. This is probably a time when I am thankful that we don't just know God from general revelation, otherwise I would find Him beyond reason and comprehension... Not that that isn't the norm...
I'm THRILLED that we have no need for doctors and dentists in heaven..
The baby experiences so much discomfort during the teething stage. Fever, pain and non-stop crying. And finally the tiny milk teeth pops out and they last only about a decade. All the stories about losing those early pearlies- Crunch on an apple! Tie the tooth to the door knob and slam the door shut! Better to lose them early so you can still tell your parents you believe in the tooth fairy...
It's always fun to skip classes, but every student would tell you that they would rather sit in class than be summoned by the school dental nurse. Sitting on that dental chair, having the bright spotlight shine on your face, all the metallic tools that makes sounds like fingernails scratching across a blackboard- how can anyone's growing up years not be scarred by visits to the dentist?
And then the adult teeth. Where shall I begin?
I think most people are not blessed with perfect photogenic teeth. Someone should do a poll some time. I don't think I need to elaborate on the pain associated with orthodontics.
There's bound to be some decay at some point- not all the brushing, flossing, scaling and polishing could have saved you from that. And when the decay gets bad enough, you will need a root canal and a crown. Both the endodontist and general dentist visits will cost you an arm and a leg.
But it's not just about the money, little did you realize that you have so many nerves in the teeth region connecting to your brain! And the nerves in the upper and lower jaw are lined up very differently. So you have this terrible terrible headache that will not stop throbbing when you get a bad decay. Ouch.. Only painkillers will help.
I wonder about people living in the old times, before dentistry is as advanced as it is today. Maybe a lot of people just live with perpetual pain when they have problems with their teeth- that's why they have a lower quality of life. Maybe they just keep chewing cocaine. Maybe some of them do die from terrible dental issues.
It's not like you get to keep the adult teeth forever. If you live long enough, eventually you'll need dentures- unless you're like my grandmother who still has most of her teeth with her at the ripe old age of 89.
Why did God create teeth the way He did? I don't understand.. If I were Him, I would surely not create these tiny pieces of calcium in man's mouth to be so sensitive.. Maybe I need to meditate more, there must be a reason somewhere. This is probably a time when I am thankful that we don't just know God from general revelation, otherwise I would find Him beyond reason and comprehension... Not that that isn't the norm...
I'm THRILLED that we have no need for doctors and dentists in heaven..
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Signing off from TR
This is an important day... After 7 years in Thomson Reuters, this chapter of my life is closed. It has been such an incredible journey- yet another masterpiece of His.
Getting to know the name "Reuters" since I was 10 when my Primary school English teacher made us do newpaper clip reviews. It stuck with me ever since, having affections towards what the brand stands for- journalism and integrity. At a Bible Study in Upper Bukit Timah road, I got to learn that a sister Janice was working there. She told me about the Christian community there, and the good working hours- being in audit then, I wished I was working there. And a year later, I saw their ad to hire, and there was just this feeling that God is making our paths cross for a reason. And indeed, He did.
Needless to say, even though I "stayed within the same chapter" professionally- TR witnessed the turning of my many life chapters. My first relationship, my heartbreak, my Beijing adventure, being united with my soul mate, getting married, moving to Chicago. TR brought along many unique experiences- working with "a church-mate" (guess who?), lunch time workouts, participating in setting up of a new site, international work culture, all the travelling and the list goes on.. God has weaved such a beautiful journey, using TR to give me time for family, ministry and friends in Singapore, bringing me to Beijing and Chicago, and through it all provided for my family. Thank you Lord!
And from a work perspective, God has also blessed me so richly through my working experience there. Such wonderful colleagues and bosses- many of whom I now call friends; opportunities to learn and grow- albeit that's through rolling up my sleeves and getting my hands dirty; and minimal politicking such that I need not waste my energies with games and can just focus on being a diligent testimony for Him. Looking back at some rough batches, late hours and trying times- thank you Lord for leading me through!
Cross my heart, I dare say that the days when I love my work outnumbers days when I dread it by much... "A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil, This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment" (Ecc 2:24-25) Thank you Lord!
I love Thomson Reuters, I really do.. It will always have a special place in my life and my heart.. Thank you Lord!
Getting to know the name "Reuters" since I was 10 when my Primary school English teacher made us do newpaper clip reviews. It stuck with me ever since, having affections towards what the brand stands for- journalism and integrity. At a Bible Study in Upper Bukit Timah road, I got to learn that a sister Janice was working there. She told me about the Christian community there, and the good working hours- being in audit then, I wished I was working there. And a year later, I saw their ad to hire, and there was just this feeling that God is making our paths cross for a reason. And indeed, He did.
Needless to say, even though I "stayed within the same chapter" professionally- TR witnessed the turning of my many life chapters. My first relationship, my heartbreak, my Beijing adventure, being united with my soul mate, getting married, moving to Chicago. TR brought along many unique experiences- working with "a church-mate" (guess who?), lunch time workouts, participating in setting up of a new site, international work culture, all the travelling and the list goes on.. God has weaved such a beautiful journey, using TR to give me time for family, ministry and friends in Singapore, bringing me to Beijing and Chicago, and through it all provided for my family. Thank you Lord!
And from a work perspective, God has also blessed me so richly through my working experience there. Such wonderful colleagues and bosses- many of whom I now call friends; opportunities to learn and grow- albeit that's through rolling up my sleeves and getting my hands dirty; and minimal politicking such that I need not waste my energies with games and can just focus on being a diligent testimony for Him. Looking back at some rough batches, late hours and trying times- thank you Lord for leading me through!
Cross my heart, I dare say that the days when I love my work outnumbers days when I dread it by much... "A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil, This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment" (Ecc 2:24-25) Thank you Lord!
I love Thomson Reuters, I really do.. It will always have a special place in my life and my heart.. Thank you Lord!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Catching Up...
Much has happened of late, and I had not the time to reminisce with my old friend here in this space till now. This is perhaps why I like the airport. Getting all the waiting in line and crazy security checks out of the way, there’s usually some cushion before you board the plane. And it is here that I get time to be with myself.
I’m feeling nostalgic today- maybe because this may possibly be good-bye to San Francisco and colleagues I’m very fond of working with. Or maybe it’s the end of a very intense business trip, and I’m just feeling tired and ready to unwind. I’m processing some low-key moments in the past few months. You might like to come back another day if reading blue notes aren’t exactly what you’re feeling like right now.
In loving memory of my Bible and Narayana blue-and-white striped pouch. I’m still sad when I think about the book that has kept me company for more than a decade. Surviving being soaked in the rain, my highlights and note-making in the margin, the front cover and content page falling out. Having gone with me on all my trips, conferences, services, bible studies and small groups- I miss my lost Bible dearly. I don’t even know where it is, or how I lost it- it’s just so bizarre. I remember the day vividly, carrying it out with me from service, church picnic, Lake Michigan and car wash.. But about my bible, that it’s just a total blank. Where could it be? Even the good it might be doing someone else gives me no comfort- I’d exchange a new Bible with you if you have my old one gladly!
The only thing that’s giving me comfort is that Daddy wants me to break into His Word again, and get the glossy pages creased and used again. Yes, Daddy- I hear you.
The trip to Yosemite had been most disappointing. We went through so much to get there- waking up early, taking the BART, taking the air bus, taking a shuttle, renting a car, driving for 5 hours.. To get there, catch but a glimpse of what could have been. Still wondering how the valleys would have looked like. This experience seared in me acutely that the destination matters. Most of the time, I treasure the journey more than the goal, the process more than the fruit. But the disappointment this time had sparked much in me and I’ll carry these “pearls of wisdom” for a long time.
Be as rational and level headed in decision making as you can. Ask why you are feeling what you are feeling, and try to divorce past negative experiences from the current decision. Otherwise, you might make a decision you’d regret.
Persevere, don’t give up too soon. Don’t give up on the faith journey and throw in the towel at heaven’s gates. Use every ounce of courage and strength to hang on, or you’ll suffer the thought of “coming so close and not make it” for long.
I have this overwhelming sense that I love Jesus, but not enough. Spending little time with Him, still needing to teach joy to my heart when giving bites into my comfort, wishing to transcend my superficialities, struggling to have a pure and unadulterated love, finding it hard to make Him my pride and obsession. It’s time for some surgery, I can feel it. It’s time.
I’m feeling nostalgic today- maybe because this may possibly be good-bye to San Francisco and colleagues I’m very fond of working with. Or maybe it’s the end of a very intense business trip, and I’m just feeling tired and ready to unwind. I’m processing some low-key moments in the past few months. You might like to come back another day if reading blue notes aren’t exactly what you’re feeling like right now.
In loving memory of my Bible and Narayana blue-and-white striped pouch. I’m still sad when I think about the book that has kept me company for more than a decade. Surviving being soaked in the rain, my highlights and note-making in the margin, the front cover and content page falling out. Having gone with me on all my trips, conferences, services, bible studies and small groups- I miss my lost Bible dearly. I don’t even know where it is, or how I lost it- it’s just so bizarre. I remember the day vividly, carrying it out with me from service, church picnic, Lake Michigan and car wash.. But about my bible, that it’s just a total blank. Where could it be? Even the good it might be doing someone else gives me no comfort- I’d exchange a new Bible with you if you have my old one gladly!
The only thing that’s giving me comfort is that Daddy wants me to break into His Word again, and get the glossy pages creased and used again. Yes, Daddy- I hear you.
The trip to Yosemite had been most disappointing. We went through so much to get there- waking up early, taking the BART, taking the air bus, taking a shuttle, renting a car, driving for 5 hours.. To get there, catch but a glimpse of what could have been. Still wondering how the valleys would have looked like. This experience seared in me acutely that the destination matters. Most of the time, I treasure the journey more than the goal, the process more than the fruit. But the disappointment this time had sparked much in me and I’ll carry these “pearls of wisdom” for a long time.
Be as rational and level headed in decision making as you can. Ask why you are feeling what you are feeling, and try to divorce past negative experiences from the current decision. Otherwise, you might make a decision you’d regret.
Persevere, don’t give up too soon. Don’t give up on the faith journey and throw in the towel at heaven’s gates. Use every ounce of courage and strength to hang on, or you’ll suffer the thought of “coming so close and not make it” for long.
I have this overwhelming sense that I love Jesus, but not enough. Spending little time with Him, still needing to teach joy to my heart when giving bites into my comfort, wishing to transcend my superficialities, struggling to have a pure and unadulterated love, finding it hard to make Him my pride and obsession. It’s time for some surgery, I can feel it. It’s time.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Xiu Speaks..
It's his smile and eyes every day
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that i'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way
All the times i have sat and stared
As he gently lays on my lap
And he closes his eyes, leaves his cares all behind,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Coz he’s all that I see and he’s all that I need
And i'm out of my league once again
It's a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me
As the world spins around him as he laughs, rolls his eyes
And i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But i'd rather be here than on land
Yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
And i'm out of my league once again
Happy Anniversary honey!
Thank you Daddy for another wonderful year You have given to us... Thank You for everything, thank You for him..
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that i'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way
All the times i have sat and stared
As he gently lays on my lap
And he closes his eyes, leaves his cares all behind,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Coz he’s all that I see and he’s all that I need
And i'm out of my league once again
It's a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me
As the world spins around him as he laughs, rolls his eyes
And i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But i'd rather be here than on land
Yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
And i'm out of my league once again
Happy Anniversary honey!
Thank you Daddy for another wonderful year You have given to us... Thank You for everything, thank You for him..
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Break-Up
My decision is final. After giving Octopus the second chance, I am more certain of my decision than ever.
Hints of the crack in the relationship surfaced during my trip to San Francisco. I was at Pier 33, ordered a portion of the calamari salad. The first few bites were delicious, the next few bites made me wonder if I over-rated the dish, and by the time I was done with it- I could not bear to put another calamari ring into my mouth.
Things started to fall apart with my order of 2 Octopus and Squid based anti-pasti during a business lunch. They were delicious, but by the end of that meal- I was all Octopus-ed up that I swore I would stay away from Octopus for another month.
I was devastated, because after my relationship with Shrimp and Prawns ended, Octopus was my next love and the safe heaven to which I always turn to when I want a seafood pick me up.
I decided to give Octopus another chance at the Japanese buffet over the weekend. Chewing him no longer gave me the same satisfaction. It was boring, uneventful and far from deliciousness. Octopus no longer worked for me, so I decided to break up with him. I might perhaps see and taste him every now and then, but our relationship will never be the same again. *SOB*
Hints of the crack in the relationship surfaced during my trip to San Francisco. I was at Pier 33, ordered a portion of the calamari salad. The first few bites were delicious, the next few bites made me wonder if I over-rated the dish, and by the time I was done with it- I could not bear to put another calamari ring into my mouth.
Things started to fall apart with my order of 2 Octopus and Squid based anti-pasti during a business lunch. They were delicious, but by the end of that meal- I was all Octopus-ed up that I swore I would stay away from Octopus for another month.
I was devastated, because after my relationship with Shrimp and Prawns ended, Octopus was my next love and the safe heaven to which I always turn to when I want a seafood pick me up.
I decided to give Octopus another chance at the Japanese buffet over the weekend. Chewing him no longer gave me the same satisfaction. It was boring, uneventful and far from deliciousness. Octopus no longer worked for me, so I decided to break up with him. I might perhaps see and taste him every now and then, but our relationship will never be the same again. *SOB*
Monday, May 30, 2011
A question for God...
I’m sure You’ve heard me by now- but in case I forget when I see You, here’s a question for You.. What did you mean when you say in Deut 5:9-10
"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."
Well I know that you love us with a holy jealousy- only appropriate for any lover. And I understand that one is to contrast the few generations of “punishment” to the thousand generations of love.
But why did You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation when you do not mean that? You said through Ezekiel 18:30-32
“Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!
Your justice demands that the child innocent of his father’s sin shall not be punished. Through all of Scriptures it is also clear that “generational curses” are but superstitions. And all the other laws and commandments will also see to it that each man is held responsible for his/her actions. So what did You mean when You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents?
I can understand the cyclical nature of sin, and how high the probability that the sins of the fathers will be inherited by the children- and therefore the child would be justly punished for their sin as well. So from a practical perspective, I can see how that would happen. But there is no qualification in Your commandment..
Does that mean that these words are not to be taken at face value? And it’s a case of the words being present, but the idea is not? It’s so funny.. I don’t understand why You said it when You did not mean it? To show us the extent of Your jealousy? That there are consequences to turning away from you? To show us the extent of Your compassion? That the grace shown to those who loves your far outweighs the wrath shown to those who turn away?
I'm confused God, help me understand please?
"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."
Well I know that you love us with a holy jealousy- only appropriate for any lover. And I understand that one is to contrast the few generations of “punishment” to the thousand generations of love.
But why did You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation when you do not mean that? You said through Ezekiel 18:30-32
“Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!
Your justice demands that the child innocent of his father’s sin shall not be punished. Through all of Scriptures it is also clear that “generational curses” are but superstitions. And all the other laws and commandments will also see to it that each man is held responsible for his/her actions. So what did You mean when You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents?
I can understand the cyclical nature of sin, and how high the probability that the sins of the fathers will be inherited by the children- and therefore the child would be justly punished for their sin as well. So from a practical perspective, I can see how that would happen. But there is no qualification in Your commandment..
Does that mean that these words are not to be taken at face value? And it’s a case of the words being present, but the idea is not? It’s so funny.. I don’t understand why You said it when You did not mean it? To show us the extent of Your jealousy? That there are consequences to turning away from you? To show us the extent of Your compassion? That the grace shown to those who loves your far outweighs the wrath shown to those who turn away?
I'm confused God, help me understand please?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Good Wife Finale
*SPOILER ALERT*
I was really satisfied with the season 2 finale of the Good Wife. Not so much because of the “very exceptional moment” for Will and Alicia, though the elevator scene with Mika's “Any other world” in the background did not hurt.
But I am satisfied because the two of them are able to, very honestly, for the first time, face and express their feelings for each other. No suppression, no lies, no sabotage, no bad timing. Just one hour of good timing.
I would have been equally satisfied by a dinner with them just talking about how they feel- even if it concluded with them acknowledging that it would not work, yet. That is perhaps why I am not a scriptwriter. Much power of their relationship lies in what is unsaid, the undercurrents, the looks they give each other. So much is said when no words are spoken.
I’m not a cheerleader for adultery, reeeeeally!! Though it’s hard to reason my way out since I am in Camp Will. Don’t ask me for the reasons why, nor think more about the moral implications. I’m pleading the free will to choose here, and the freedom to be a reckless romantic with no regard for consequences.. in TV land.. :p
I was really satisfied with the season 2 finale of the Good Wife. Not so much because of the “very exceptional moment” for Will and Alicia, though the elevator scene with Mika's “Any other world” in the background did not hurt.
But I am satisfied because the two of them are able to, very honestly, for the first time, face and express their feelings for each other. No suppression, no lies, no sabotage, no bad timing. Just one hour of good timing.
I would have been equally satisfied by a dinner with them just talking about how they feel- even if it concluded with them acknowledging that it would not work, yet. That is perhaps why I am not a scriptwriter. Much power of their relationship lies in what is unsaid, the undercurrents, the looks they give each other. So much is said when no words are spoken.
I’m not a cheerleader for adultery, reeeeeally!! Though it’s hard to reason my way out since I am in Camp Will. Don’t ask me for the reasons why, nor think more about the moral implications. I’m pleading the free will to choose here, and the freedom to be a reckless romantic with no regard for consequences.. in TV land.. :p
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My First Semester
So here I am at the end of the semester. Finished my finals, finished all my papers, finished all the required readings. Enjoying this moment I am spending with an old friend, not wanting to think about the other things on my to-do list.
I’m exactly where I want to be, doing what I want to do, watching time pass me by and having no urge to seize it- what other pleasures could one have in life.
It seems a little indulgent and self-absorbed talking about my little world given all the generation-defining events that had happened over the past month. There was the royal wedding of Kate & William- I liked her dresses, the very exciting Singapore General Elections- I never dreamed that any GRCs close to me would “fall into the hands of the opposition”, and the killing of Osama bin Laden- I cannot understand why people would want pictures and videos of that. CRAZY.
These headlines provided a touch stone for a world out there beyond the compounds of Trinity. More significant than the flapping of the butterfly’s wings, they should demand more contemplation lest a tempest should take me by surprise- but it is not now.
Now is the moment I want to reflect and process, forbidding that the semester should pass me by without this cathartic exercise. Crystallizing some convictions that I have come to own in a not-very exciting manner-
• We know a person by what he does. We do not know God’s ways without His stories. His stories unfold His roles and character. And this is the beauty of Biblical Theology. By tracing God’s work and hand through His-Story, we really get to know what He is like. And it is so exciting getting to know Him not by a neat package of ideas (Systematic Theology has its place), but slowly through time by observing and watching Him do the things He do. I pray that I will be more disciplined to apply Biblical Theology when doing Bible Study in the future.
• To listen actively and empathy is the foundation- not just of counseling, but of communication. There is no need for self-disclosure, and self-disclosure does not help. So many talk more than they listen, I pray that I will be a good helper for His sake!
• I have several personality traits that may be conflicting, but they also help balance each other out. I found myself confusing in the past, but no more apologies for the good range of personalities so I can draw on the different “selves” at different times for strength. Thank YOU Lord!
• Those suffering from addictions cannot control themselves- they need the counselor’s unconditional positive regard to help them hope. I pray that I can provide a safe environment for those who are struggling in any issue, so that help can come.
• To love wisdom and pursue it.
This is pretty much in a nutshell the journey I have been taking this semester. Looking forward to the next one :)
I’m exactly where I want to be, doing what I want to do, watching time pass me by and having no urge to seize it- what other pleasures could one have in life.
It seems a little indulgent and self-absorbed talking about my little world given all the generation-defining events that had happened over the past month. There was the royal wedding of Kate & William- I liked her dresses, the very exciting Singapore General Elections- I never dreamed that any GRCs close to me would “fall into the hands of the opposition”, and the killing of Osama bin Laden- I cannot understand why people would want pictures and videos of that. CRAZY.
These headlines provided a touch stone for a world out there beyond the compounds of Trinity. More significant than the flapping of the butterfly’s wings, they should demand more contemplation lest a tempest should take me by surprise- but it is not now.
Now is the moment I want to reflect and process, forbidding that the semester should pass me by without this cathartic exercise. Crystallizing some convictions that I have come to own in a not-very exciting manner-
• We know a person by what he does. We do not know God’s ways without His stories. His stories unfold His roles and character. And this is the beauty of Biblical Theology. By tracing God’s work and hand through His-Story, we really get to know what He is like. And it is so exciting getting to know Him not by a neat package of ideas (Systematic Theology has its place), but slowly through time by observing and watching Him do the things He do. I pray that I will be more disciplined to apply Biblical Theology when doing Bible Study in the future.
• To listen actively and empathy is the foundation- not just of counseling, but of communication. There is no need for self-disclosure, and self-disclosure does not help. So many talk more than they listen, I pray that I will be a good helper for His sake!
• I have several personality traits that may be conflicting, but they also help balance each other out. I found myself confusing in the past, but no more apologies for the good range of personalities so I can draw on the different “selves” at different times for strength. Thank YOU Lord!
• Those suffering from addictions cannot control themselves- they need the counselor’s unconditional positive regard to help them hope. I pray that I can provide a safe environment for those who are struggling in any issue, so that help can come.
• To love wisdom and pursue it.
This is pretty much in a nutshell the journey I have been taking this semester. Looking forward to the next one :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Remembering on Good Friday
I have a friend who gives Light
He came to a world of darkness who screams to put out His light
I have a friend who is the Lamb
He was slaughtered so God’s judgment can pass-over the sinners of the world
I have a friend whose name is Love
He showed His love by dying for an unworthy me
How shall I befriend Him
When sometimes I hide His light under the bowl of what they might think
How shall I be covered by His blood
Over and over again I crucify Him with my sins
How shall I love Him
There is nothing I can bring
Yet it is the Father’s will to send His Son so He might justify and sanctify us
Grace freely given, freely received with thankfulness
He is abounding in love, rich in compassion, faithful and true
Rest we must in He, who has made Himself known
He says He is going away and will come back for us
Eagerly we shall await that day
He came to a world of darkness who screams to put out His light
I have a friend who is the Lamb
He was slaughtered so God’s judgment can pass-over the sinners of the world
I have a friend whose name is Love
He showed His love by dying for an unworthy me
How shall I befriend Him
When sometimes I hide His light under the bowl of what they might think
How shall I be covered by His blood
Over and over again I crucify Him with my sins
How shall I love Him
There is nothing I can bring
Yet it is the Father’s will to send His Son so He might justify and sanctify us
Grace freely given, freely received with thankfulness
He is abounding in love, rich in compassion, faithful and true
Rest we must in He, who has made Himself known
He says He is going away and will come back for us
Eagerly we shall await that day
Friday, March 25, 2011
Personality Self Portrait
This is a lazy entry.. just an assignment that i did for my Counseling class on the results of a personality test.. But it pretty much describes me!
Overview
My most dominant personality style is Conscientious, and the least dominant style is Aggressive. Most of the other traits are fairly close in range, with the Dramatic, Adventurous, Devoted, Self-Sacrificing and Mercurial in the next top “Personality belt”. I will seek to discuss my findings based on the 6 domains.
Work
I have found that the blend of my Conscientious-Devoted -Self Sacrificing personalities strongly characterize the “good” employee and team player I am. I am organized, hardworking, can push through drudgery as long as it is pleases my boss and team. What motivates me most is the satisfaction of others, and I have little outward personal ambition. I care for the people I work with, and will also need some expressions of appreciation. Being in a position of leadership, I will need to be more assertive to compensate for the shortfalls of the Devoted personality.
What prevents me from being completely sold-out to, and causes me to struggle with my work ethic of “simply being the one who goes by the book and can be trusted to get the job done”, is my Dramatic-Adventurous -Mercurial personality blend. I love ideas- responding to suggestions from others, and wanting my ideas to be heard. I need to be challenged, and have to avoid routine- this explains why I like to multi-task, and work on 3-4 projects at any one time. And as a Mercurial, I am outgoing and energetic and take comfort in idealized roles- this affirms my longings for teaching and helping professions.
Self
My Self domain is strongly affected by my Dramatic-Devoted-Mercurial personality traits. This means that I have a weak inner compass, and my self definition comes from others. Being Dramatic, I see myself as others see me and require reassurance and feedback to maintain self-confidence. My Devoted self will cause me to seek out other’s opinions and follow their advice, and this combined with the Dramatic trait makes me want to be who others think I should be. As a Mercurial, I am very open-minded and curious about other ways of being, and I am rarely concretely fixed to any particular identity, lifestyle or culture. This is likely a contributing factor to me feeling not absolutely certain of my own identity.
The strong tendency to be “swayed” from identity to identity is fortunately “rescued” by my Adventurous streak and Christian faith. Being Adventurous, there is a strong inner right and wrong- this is what helps me determine the identities that I am willing to “try out”. The strong desire to live in the moment without regrets also drives some of my self-decisions that may be contrary to other’s opinions.
Emotions
As a Dramatic-Adventurous-Mercurial, I have strong emotions. It is important for me to engage my heart in everything I do, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I want to write a story with my life, I laugh and cry easily and openly, and am prone to more intense emotional experiences. The Adventurous personality helps me be cheerful and enjoy life, and be less melo-dramatic.
The above personality combinations can easily cause one to be emotionally unstable. However, the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing-Devoted traits help regulate and give stability to the strong emotions. The Self Sacrificing personality is emotionally strong and capable of shouldering whatever burdens that come my way, and the Conscientious self helps the head rule the heart and not go to extremes. Dramatic on the inside, my expressions are tempered and moderated by the Conscientious-Devoted personalities.
Relationships
The Conscientious-Devoted personalities reinforce each other in the realm of relationships. The personality causes one to be others-centered, and be loyal and faithful to follow through the commitment. For the Devoted personality, relationships provide life’s meaning and causes one to work hard to keep relationships together. The Dramatic-Self Sacrificing blend creates an interesting dynamic for the individual’s response in this domain. The Self Sacrificing personality exist to serve the other person, would sacrifice their own needs in acts of service. and routinely deflect attention away themselves. The Dramatic personality wants to be in center stage, and the Self Sacrificing trait is embarrassed to desire that, but desires to be appreciated.
The Adventurous-Mercurial adds a “wild card” to the faithful partner mix. These personalities are self-serving in relationships, thrive on intense, no strings attached experiences, and are not very principled nor monogamous. I have noticed that they show themselves through my thoughts and responses, and heavily “rebuked” by the other traits and my Christian faith when they present themselves.
Self-Control & Real World
There are 2 strong contrasting personality blends in the Self-Control & Real World domains- the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing vs. the Dramatic-Mercurial. The Conscientious self likes to plan, is disciplined and find it hard to make a decision due to the perfectionist personality; and the Self Sacrificing personality finds it hard to relax strict controls and have a good time. This combination suggests strong self-control and well measured decisions in the real world. The Dramatic-Mercurial self on the other hand lacks self control and often acts on impulse. It is curious and interested, love to taste and experiment, and is often self-indulgent.
They result in different responses in different situations, and will almost always create a regret response when one set of traits “win”. However, I think that they complement each other to create a more well balanced individual. With the Conscientious being the dominant personality trait, the disciplined self runs the show most of the time. However, with the dynamic Dramatic self, it helps the individual relax, do something “out of the box” once in a while and adds spice to one’s life.
Conclusion
Discovering my key personality styles have been enlightening. It has helped shed some clarity on certain behaviors, thoughts and emotions that I used to find conflicting and confusing.
Overview
My most dominant personality style is Conscientious, and the least dominant style is Aggressive. Most of the other traits are fairly close in range, with the Dramatic, Adventurous, Devoted, Self-Sacrificing and Mercurial in the next top “Personality belt”. I will seek to discuss my findings based on the 6 domains.
Work
I have found that the blend of my Conscientious-Devoted -Self Sacrificing personalities strongly characterize the “good” employee and team player I am. I am organized, hardworking, can push through drudgery as long as it is pleases my boss and team. What motivates me most is the satisfaction of others, and I have little outward personal ambition. I care for the people I work with, and will also need some expressions of appreciation. Being in a position of leadership, I will need to be more assertive to compensate for the shortfalls of the Devoted personality.
What prevents me from being completely sold-out to, and causes me to struggle with my work ethic of “simply being the one who goes by the book and can be trusted to get the job done”, is my Dramatic-Adventurous -Mercurial personality blend. I love ideas- responding to suggestions from others, and wanting my ideas to be heard. I need to be challenged, and have to avoid routine- this explains why I like to multi-task, and work on 3-4 projects at any one time. And as a Mercurial, I am outgoing and energetic and take comfort in idealized roles- this affirms my longings for teaching and helping professions.
Self
My Self domain is strongly affected by my Dramatic-Devoted-Mercurial personality traits. This means that I have a weak inner compass, and my self definition comes from others. Being Dramatic, I see myself as others see me and require reassurance and feedback to maintain self-confidence. My Devoted self will cause me to seek out other’s opinions and follow their advice, and this combined with the Dramatic trait makes me want to be who others think I should be. As a Mercurial, I am very open-minded and curious about other ways of being, and I am rarely concretely fixed to any particular identity, lifestyle or culture. This is likely a contributing factor to me feeling not absolutely certain of my own identity.
The strong tendency to be “swayed” from identity to identity is fortunately “rescued” by my Adventurous streak and Christian faith. Being Adventurous, there is a strong inner right and wrong- this is what helps me determine the identities that I am willing to “try out”. The strong desire to live in the moment without regrets also drives some of my self-decisions that may be contrary to other’s opinions.
Emotions
As a Dramatic-Adventurous-Mercurial, I have strong emotions. It is important for me to engage my heart in everything I do, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I want to write a story with my life, I laugh and cry easily and openly, and am prone to more intense emotional experiences. The Adventurous personality helps me be cheerful and enjoy life, and be less melo-dramatic.
The above personality combinations can easily cause one to be emotionally unstable. However, the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing-Devoted traits help regulate and give stability to the strong emotions. The Self Sacrificing personality is emotionally strong and capable of shouldering whatever burdens that come my way, and the Conscientious self helps the head rule the heart and not go to extremes. Dramatic on the inside, my expressions are tempered and moderated by the Conscientious-Devoted personalities.
Relationships
The Conscientious-Devoted personalities reinforce each other in the realm of relationships. The personality causes one to be others-centered, and be loyal and faithful to follow through the commitment. For the Devoted personality, relationships provide life’s meaning and causes one to work hard to keep relationships together. The Dramatic-Self Sacrificing blend creates an interesting dynamic for the individual’s response in this domain. The Self Sacrificing personality exist to serve the other person, would sacrifice their own needs in acts of service. and routinely deflect attention away themselves. The Dramatic personality wants to be in center stage, and the Self Sacrificing trait is embarrassed to desire that, but desires to be appreciated.
The Adventurous-Mercurial adds a “wild card” to the faithful partner mix. These personalities are self-serving in relationships, thrive on intense, no strings attached experiences, and are not very principled nor monogamous. I have noticed that they show themselves through my thoughts and responses, and heavily “rebuked” by the other traits and my Christian faith when they present themselves.
Self-Control & Real World
There are 2 strong contrasting personality blends in the Self-Control & Real World domains- the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing vs. the Dramatic-Mercurial. The Conscientious self likes to plan, is disciplined and find it hard to make a decision due to the perfectionist personality; and the Self Sacrificing personality finds it hard to relax strict controls and have a good time. This combination suggests strong self-control and well measured decisions in the real world. The Dramatic-Mercurial self on the other hand lacks self control and often acts on impulse. It is curious and interested, love to taste and experiment, and is often self-indulgent.
They result in different responses in different situations, and will almost always create a regret response when one set of traits “win”. However, I think that they complement each other to create a more well balanced individual. With the Conscientious being the dominant personality trait, the disciplined self runs the show most of the time. However, with the dynamic Dramatic self, it helps the individual relax, do something “out of the box” once in a while and adds spice to one’s life.
Conclusion
Discovering my key personality styles have been enlightening. It has helped shed some clarity on certain behaviors, thoughts and emotions that I used to find conflicting and confusing.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Honda talk..
I feel each flake fall so gently on my body, and one by one they cover me. By the time the night is over, I am sleeping snugly under a blanket of snow and frost. The best part is when Arthur wakes me up in the morning and works me up to start running. The heat from my body melts the ice mixture on me and gives me a good bath all over. I love it when he uses the brush on me- the gentle strokes tickles me and the hard scrubs feel like a good rub. Gosh, the winter is over too soon and I am missing my baths in the snow already.
Though I must admit- that having ice on me is nice, but skating on them was not too fun at all. I was so scared that day. We were having a good ride up to Bemidji, enjoying the terrain and looking forward to spending time with the family… Until I was trying to go around the truck in front of me, and I fell into a snow ditch. Ouch. I tried to get myself out but to no avail. Finally, Arthur my hero got a tow truck to tow me out of that snow pit. Thankfully, I emerged only with some slight bruises. Phew!
While I thought that was the worst, Arthur’s wife did a Fast & Furious stunt on our way back. I always wondered what it was going to be like, but I don’t wonder that any more. The road was so icy, I spun 360 degrees on the highway! Thankfully, my neighbor charged on ahead in midst of the heavy snow, and the ones behind stopped in time. I am so glad that other than that little spin, all three of us were safe. I could tell that the poor couple was so shaken. She gripped me so tightly when she drove all the rest of the way.
These little adventures could get me by for the rest of my life I think. Fingers crossed.. Now I need to get ready for Spring.. Cant wait to give me some good cleaning and sprucing! Can’t be too shabby looking- it’s time to greet the daffodils and lilies in the fields! Woohoo!!
Though I must admit- that having ice on me is nice, but skating on them was not too fun at all. I was so scared that day. We were having a good ride up to Bemidji, enjoying the terrain and looking forward to spending time with the family… Until I was trying to go around the truck in front of me, and I fell into a snow ditch. Ouch. I tried to get myself out but to no avail. Finally, Arthur my hero got a tow truck to tow me out of that snow pit. Thankfully, I emerged only with some slight bruises. Phew!
While I thought that was the worst, Arthur’s wife did a Fast & Furious stunt on our way back. I always wondered what it was going to be like, but I don’t wonder that any more. The road was so icy, I spun 360 degrees on the highway! Thankfully, my neighbor charged on ahead in midst of the heavy snow, and the ones behind stopped in time. I am so glad that other than that little spin, all three of us were safe. I could tell that the poor couple was so shaken. She gripped me so tightly when she drove all the rest of the way.
These little adventures could get me by for the rest of my life I think. Fingers crossed.. Now I need to get ready for Spring.. Cant wait to give me some good cleaning and sprucing! Can’t be too shabby looking- it’s time to greet the daffodils and lilies in the fields! Woohoo!!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Fun in February
We've never been big on Valentine's Day- it's just not our thing. And all the "love is in the air" stuff, is just stuffy for us. To be honest, I don't think it's because it's the Valentine's month particularly, but we have had more dates this month than our usual monthly average of 0.5... :p So I want to remember here, the fun we've had this February...So that I do not forget, all the effort Arthur's put in to make them happen- willingly or unwillingly ;)
Les Miz was a great start to the month. It was a gift from Daddy literally- we did not know whether we were going to get the tickets until the day prior! We still forgot our lesson from Wicked to bring binoculars, but we had a memorable school bus ride home with the rest of the "college kids". When was the last time i rode on an old school bus? Thank you honey for getting in touch with the person in charge and making it happen :) Taking the train down town to meet me for dinner, and then going out in the cold again after reaching home to get our car.
Ice-skating was fun too! And I sure hope we get to make this a monthly routine so that I can master gliding on ice!!! Push and slide, push and slide.. I think the hardest part is now having to let go of your hand... Next time.. Thanks for being a teacher :)
Dancing was as good as it could get with my 2 left feet. Thanks for being willing to be dragged, whining and kicking, to the event.. hahahhaa.. I'm glad I didnt have to switch partners and know that i've got one dance partner for the rest of my life :) Now, I must remember to wear higher heels next time :p
Les Miz was a great start to the month. It was a gift from Daddy literally- we did not know whether we were going to get the tickets until the day prior! We still forgot our lesson from Wicked to bring binoculars, but we had a memorable school bus ride home with the rest of the "college kids". When was the last time i rode on an old school bus? Thank you honey for getting in touch with the person in charge and making it happen :) Taking the train down town to meet me for dinner, and then going out in the cold again after reaching home to get our car.
Ice-skating was fun too! And I sure hope we get to make this a monthly routine so that I can master gliding on ice!!! Push and slide, push and slide.. I think the hardest part is now having to let go of your hand... Next time.. Thanks for being a teacher :)
Dancing was as good as it could get with my 2 left feet. Thanks for being willing to be dragged, whining and kicking, to the event.. hahahhaa.. I'm glad I didnt have to switch partners and know that i've got one dance partner for the rest of my life :) Now, I must remember to wear higher heels next time :p
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Les Misérables
It had been a long time since I had been moved by grace. And that night, the musical taught the lesson to my heart again. How shall one live without grace? How harsh and burdensome is the yoke of the law! And how beautiful the life that is redeemed by grace!
Grace was shown to Jean Valjean not in a dramatic “Let me pardon you” way. The benevolent bishop turned the other cheek, and gave the thief his cloak after he had taken his tunic. After the police released Valjean, the bishop never learnt what his gift of freedom had done for his brother. He “bought a soul” with the silver for God!
Javert was a slave of the law. He spent his life seeking to arrest 24601, to uphold the law and put him back in chains behind the prison walls for breaking his parole. When Valjean saved his life and pardon him, Javert realized that he could not give Valjean up to the authorities. Unable cope with the dilemma that he was shown mercy by the one he had been persecuting his whole life, and that his life obsession to bring 24601 to “justice” was undone, Javert drove himself to suicide.
The law had never seemed this tragically heavy and burdensome to me. The one who lives by and under the law was enslaved and bound to a Master who brings death.
The only regret I have of the musical and story, is how so many characters revolved around Cossette and how central she was to the development of the story- but yet her character remains so ill-defined and shallow. Even her love interest Marius surprisingly had more character than her.
The themes in the story are so beautiful, deep, well-explored and skillfully woven through the many story-lines and plots. The music and lyrics are profoundly well written. The experience baptizes one in love and grace, and sends one remembering “to love another person is to see the face of God”.
I love Les Miz!
Grace was shown to Jean Valjean not in a dramatic “Let me pardon you” way. The benevolent bishop turned the other cheek, and gave the thief his cloak after he had taken his tunic. After the police released Valjean, the bishop never learnt what his gift of freedom had done for his brother. He “bought a soul” with the silver for God!
Javert was a slave of the law. He spent his life seeking to arrest 24601, to uphold the law and put him back in chains behind the prison walls for breaking his parole. When Valjean saved his life and pardon him, Javert realized that he could not give Valjean up to the authorities. Unable cope with the dilemma that he was shown mercy by the one he had been persecuting his whole life, and that his life obsession to bring 24601 to “justice” was undone, Javert drove himself to suicide.
The law had never seemed this tragically heavy and burdensome to me. The one who lives by and under the law was enslaved and bound to a Master who brings death.
The only regret I have of the musical and story, is how so many characters revolved around Cossette and how central she was to the development of the story- but yet her character remains so ill-defined and shallow. Even her love interest Marius surprisingly had more character than her.
The themes in the story are so beautiful, deep, well-explored and skillfully woven through the many story-lines and plots. The music and lyrics are profoundly well written. The experience baptizes one in love and grace, and sends one remembering “to love another person is to see the face of God”.
I love Les Miz!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Icing Queen?
I did not like icing, but after being “corrupted” by my American husband, I’m learning that icing can be really delicious. Well, at least home-made icing- there is still much lazy, yucky icing out there.
So my latest baking attempt produced a chocolate mint icing cocoa-butter cake, and an orange icing butter cake.
The cake base is not worth bragging about- since it’s pretty much following the instructions on the Betty Crocker mix. BUT, what’s worth sharing though is that you can totally make it with ¼ less the required butter, and it still taste fabulous! And I have fallen in love with this soft butter sponge as well- not too buttery, light and fluffy and melts in your mouth.
The icing was where it became fun. Arthur helped make the base with a simple family buttercream recipe. He left me with this big bowl of icing and said, “make it interesting, it’s boring!” So my mind started ticking as my eyes roved around the kitchen. And 1 flavor of icing is no fun- let’s up the game a little!
Ok, there’s some chocolate bars that I want to get rid of, and there’s this peppermint extract that I bought some time back that I have not tried. Chocolate mint icing sounded pretty good in my mind.. So there I was, without a recipe and trying to concoct this icing with my gut-feel proportions. Let’s just say that there was a lot of experimentation, “oops”, and “ok.. let’s add a little bit more of this to fix that”..
Whilst I back-tracked in the school of “measuring”, I thought I did well in the school of “melting chocolate”. It’s so satisfying to see the melted chocolate in the micro-wave looking as it should. :p A smooth silky chocolate ribbon falling from the spoon... Pretty... In the past, I used to get lumpy dry chocolate. I learnt later that it was because the temperature was too high. You cannot get impatient there with melting chocolate. Higher heat does not mean faster melting :p That’s something I learnt after screwing up goodness-knows-how-many bags of chocolate chips, and "getting mad" at the cookbooks.. heh.
By the time the chocolate mint icing was done, I was a little tired. What do I do with the other half of the buttercream icing?
And I remembered seeing this Orange icing on the internet the other day… Idea! But me being the lazy cook, I wasn’t going to go search for the recipe on the internet-since I was not prepared to do what it says anyway.. I saw my Korean KamQuat drink on the shelf and decided to “give it a shot”. So I took spoonfuls of the drink preserves, and stirred it into the buttercream icing. Again, “by feel”, I arrived at a perfect tasting orange icing. It’s really delicious.
At the end of the evening, I really enjoyed the 2 batches of icing and was really pleased at how they turned out. I could totally make icing for a living!! I don’t understand.. When it’s so easy to get creative flavors, why is there still so much bad icing out there??
And who says icing on the cake is not important? It can give 2 plain butter cakes such distinctive taste, and the cake “springs alive”!
Maybe when I get back to Singapore, I can have my little home bakery with specialty-flavored icing on cup-cakes. Hmmm… Idea.. Next career maybe? Icing queen? Hahahaha…
So my latest baking attempt produced a chocolate mint icing cocoa-butter cake, and an orange icing butter cake.
The cake base is not worth bragging about- since it’s pretty much following the instructions on the Betty Crocker mix. BUT, what’s worth sharing though is that you can totally make it with ¼ less the required butter, and it still taste fabulous! And I have fallen in love with this soft butter sponge as well- not too buttery, light and fluffy and melts in your mouth.
The icing was where it became fun. Arthur helped make the base with a simple family buttercream recipe. He left me with this big bowl of icing and said, “make it interesting, it’s boring!” So my mind started ticking as my eyes roved around the kitchen. And 1 flavor of icing is no fun- let’s up the game a little!
Ok, there’s some chocolate bars that I want to get rid of, and there’s this peppermint extract that I bought some time back that I have not tried. Chocolate mint icing sounded pretty good in my mind.. So there I was, without a recipe and trying to concoct this icing with my gut-feel proportions. Let’s just say that there was a lot of experimentation, “oops”, and “ok.. let’s add a little bit more of this to fix that”..
Whilst I back-tracked in the school of “measuring”, I thought I did well in the school of “melting chocolate”. It’s so satisfying to see the melted chocolate in the micro-wave looking as it should. :p A smooth silky chocolate ribbon falling from the spoon... Pretty... In the past, I used to get lumpy dry chocolate. I learnt later that it was because the temperature was too high. You cannot get impatient there with melting chocolate. Higher heat does not mean faster melting :p That’s something I learnt after screwing up goodness-knows-how-many bags of chocolate chips, and "getting mad" at the cookbooks.. heh.
By the time the chocolate mint icing was done, I was a little tired. What do I do with the other half of the buttercream icing?
And I remembered seeing this Orange icing on the internet the other day… Idea! But me being the lazy cook, I wasn’t going to go search for the recipe on the internet-since I was not prepared to do what it says anyway.. I saw my Korean KamQuat drink on the shelf and decided to “give it a shot”. So I took spoonfuls of the drink preserves, and stirred it into the buttercream icing. Again, “by feel”, I arrived at a perfect tasting orange icing. It’s really delicious.
At the end of the evening, I really enjoyed the 2 batches of icing and was really pleased at how they turned out. I could totally make icing for a living!! I don’t understand.. When it’s so easy to get creative flavors, why is there still so much bad icing out there??
And who says icing on the cake is not important? It can give 2 plain butter cakes such distinctive taste, and the cake “springs alive”!
Maybe when I get back to Singapore, I can have my little home bakery with specialty-flavored icing on cup-cakes. Hmmm… Idea.. Next career maybe? Icing queen? Hahahaha…
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Some thoughts this week..
1. Back to the classroom after 7 years. I was like a kid waiting for the first day of school, excited! Sitting in a classroom with an age range of 25-55 years old- I cannot help but keep wondering what each person’s story is!
2. So my first question about counseling- so we’re not supposed to give our clients advice nor share our experience, how far do we take that principle into our relationships and interactions? Is it really possible to do that with friends and relationships that you have a stake in?
3. PPC is teaching about money, VCL is also teaching about money. It’s one of the key things Arthur and I would really like to work on this year. God is giving us a classroom and life-lab all at the same time! Praise God! I’m sure I have more to say about that in the weeks to come. But today’s lesson- tithing is our response to God’s blessing, and is a strong medicine against greed & selfishness. Discover God through tithing!
4. Somewhat connected to the above, I was kind of thinking through a specific situation. Having been a nomad congregation for years, how can we bear to put other brothers and sisters through the same experience? Of course there is human wisdom about being careful, but how does calculating the risk of property damage weigh on God’s “generosity and grace” scale? How much will “safety” count in God’s books, how will it match against “meeting a brother’s need”? I’m removed from the situation, so am just processing out-loud.. Human wisdom is valid and always convincing, and while I understand the concerns, I must make sure I am clear where I stand on this matter.
2. So my first question about counseling- so we’re not supposed to give our clients advice nor share our experience, how far do we take that principle into our relationships and interactions? Is it really possible to do that with friends and relationships that you have a stake in?
3. PPC is teaching about money, VCL is also teaching about money. It’s one of the key things Arthur and I would really like to work on this year. God is giving us a classroom and life-lab all at the same time! Praise God! I’m sure I have more to say about that in the weeks to come. But today’s lesson- tithing is our response to God’s blessing, and is a strong medicine against greed & selfishness. Discover God through tithing!
4. Somewhat connected to the above, I was kind of thinking through a specific situation. Having been a nomad congregation for years, how can we bear to put other brothers and sisters through the same experience? Of course there is human wisdom about being careful, but how does calculating the risk of property damage weigh on God’s “generosity and grace” scale? How much will “safety” count in God’s books, how will it match against “meeting a brother’s need”? I’m removed from the situation, so am just processing out-loud.. Human wisdom is valid and always convincing, and while I understand the concerns, I must make sure I am clear where I stand on this matter.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Over-reaction?
Being alone in a hotel room means that I have lots of time to channel surf. And what dominates the news cycle this week- is the shooting in Arizona targeted at a Congresswoman, and the snow storm on the East Coast.
I really have had enough of the former. Seriously… America at its best- making such a big deal over this. A country where you allow people to have guns, would you not have expected this? Someone attacking a government official, you call that an attack on democracy? And the President spending 3 days on a speech at the memorial service- commending people who performed first aid and prevent gun overload- who wouldn’t do that instinctively? Commending the left and right for laying aside their political differences in this tragedy? And noting that America’s heart is broken, but not her spirit?
Seriously???!!! *ROLL EYES BIG TIME*
I’m not saying this is not worth air-time, but seriously- when more and worse atrocities committed against mankind everywhere, and you blow this up to such great proportion? I guess the media is just having their field day. What did my President do about the hacking along Singapore River- I’m sure he did something, and I’m sure the media had some extensive coverage, but things aren’t THIS crazy!!!
It’s like bandaging a small paper cut. America, come on!!! Your government is starting to act like a nanny. For a nation that was founded by fighting wars, you have grown so soft! For a nation that became the target of terrorists, is this not just something so small? Surely public service comes with a price, surely you cannot be shocked by senseless violence!
Of course my heart goes out to the innocent- those who became targets because of their service, those who lost their lives in a random event such as this, but I wish you had given some context to the event…
I really have had enough of the former. Seriously… America at its best- making such a big deal over this. A country where you allow people to have guns, would you not have expected this? Someone attacking a government official, you call that an attack on democracy? And the President spending 3 days on a speech at the memorial service- commending people who performed first aid and prevent gun overload- who wouldn’t do that instinctively? Commending the left and right for laying aside their political differences in this tragedy? And noting that America’s heart is broken, but not her spirit?
Seriously???!!! *ROLL EYES BIG TIME*
I’m not saying this is not worth air-time, but seriously- when more and worse atrocities committed against mankind everywhere, and you blow this up to such great proportion? I guess the media is just having their field day. What did my President do about the hacking along Singapore River- I’m sure he did something, and I’m sure the media had some extensive coverage, but things aren’t THIS crazy!!!
It’s like bandaging a small paper cut. America, come on!!! Your government is starting to act like a nanny. For a nation that was founded by fighting wars, you have grown so soft! For a nation that became the target of terrorists, is this not just something so small? Surely public service comes with a price, surely you cannot be shocked by senseless violence!
Of course my heart goes out to the innocent- those who became targets because of their service, those who lost their lives in a random event such as this, but I wish you had given some context to the event…
Saturday, January 01, 2011
2010-2011
From today, we’re officially over a decade into the new millennium. Not that this adds more significance to the passing of a year, than the event itself ought to warrant. Maybe it’s something about starting a new calendar, the whole world beginning on that same page with you, new plans are made, and hopes of fulfilling dreams gone by are renewed…
I am less a fan of making New Year resolutions than I am of remembering the year gone by- but I’m not very good at either of those. My forgetfulness is the culprit. I have always managed to forget my New Year resolutions by the end of January- so what is the point of making them at all? And I abhor the notion of having to measure myself against certain standards all the time- checking if I have done well so far or not.
But it would certainly be foolishness if I allow my poor memory to fail me, in taking stock of where God has led and is leading me in this journey. Hence this entry- an exercise of discipline to call to mind what I’ve learnt about myself through the experiences in 2010.
1. There is much courage, faith and love the heart needs to stay alive, to stay content, and to stay faithful. After 29 years, I am still learning to stay comfortable in my own skin. I need to call in no less than the love of Jesus to help me love my neighbor, when I feel less than them. To not compare, to truly wish/ want the best for them, to not waver and wonder about another experience. All is enough and good because He has given.
2. I like travelling. Be it the morning train rides, walking around the city, driving along the cornfields- the mind gets a rest from activity, and be by itself. And these pockets of spaces are so precious. It’s when I smell the air, glide on the river, trace the skyline and breathe…
3. My home is where my hubby is. Many have asked me whether I am home-sick, and I shake my head. It does not mean that I do not miss my family and friends in Singapore.. Or that my heart does not ache some times when I wonder how my loved ones are living lives on the other side of the moon… But I feel safe and right at home where he is.
4. I am looking forward to growing old. After a month of winter, I feel like I have had enough of the snow and I am ready for spring. But alas! I have 3 more months of cold to go… And I feel the same about life… After 29 years, I feel like I have seen enough and I am ready for Jesus to come. But unlike the cold winter with nothing to look forward to, I find myself looking forward to growing old in grace and wisdom. So I guess it’s like a good Catch-22. “To live is Christ and to die is Christ”…
5. Renewing my passion for learning and reading is one of the best things that happened to me in 2010. I am glad that books and papers are back in my life.
So here I stand, with 2010 behind me- totally piqued about 2011. And here’s a song He has given me to start the year with…
If I stand
And there’s more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
I am less a fan of making New Year resolutions than I am of remembering the year gone by- but I’m not very good at either of those. My forgetfulness is the culprit. I have always managed to forget my New Year resolutions by the end of January- so what is the point of making them at all? And I abhor the notion of having to measure myself against certain standards all the time- checking if I have done well so far or not.
But it would certainly be foolishness if I allow my poor memory to fail me, in taking stock of where God has led and is leading me in this journey. Hence this entry- an exercise of discipline to call to mind what I’ve learnt about myself through the experiences in 2010.
1. There is much courage, faith and love the heart needs to stay alive, to stay content, and to stay faithful. After 29 years, I am still learning to stay comfortable in my own skin. I need to call in no less than the love of Jesus to help me love my neighbor, when I feel less than them. To not compare, to truly wish/ want the best for them, to not waver and wonder about another experience. All is enough and good because He has given.
2. I like travelling. Be it the morning train rides, walking around the city, driving along the cornfields- the mind gets a rest from activity, and be by itself. And these pockets of spaces are so precious. It’s when I smell the air, glide on the river, trace the skyline and breathe…
3. My home is where my hubby is. Many have asked me whether I am home-sick, and I shake my head. It does not mean that I do not miss my family and friends in Singapore.. Or that my heart does not ache some times when I wonder how my loved ones are living lives on the other side of the moon… But I feel safe and right at home where he is.
4. I am looking forward to growing old. After a month of winter, I feel like I have had enough of the snow and I am ready for spring. But alas! I have 3 more months of cold to go… And I feel the same about life… After 29 years, I feel like I have seen enough and I am ready for Jesus to come. But unlike the cold winter with nothing to look forward to, I find myself looking forward to growing old in grace and wisdom. So I guess it’s like a good Catch-22. “To live is Christ and to die is Christ”…
5. Renewing my passion for learning and reading is one of the best things that happened to me in 2010. I am glad that books and papers are back in my life.
So here I stand, with 2010 behind me- totally piqued about 2011. And here’s a song He has given me to start the year with…
If I stand
And there’s more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room
And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Kitchen Bloopers
I must admit that I had been pretty pleased with my kitchen outings recently.
My first turkey turned out quite pretty- though I need to improve on keeping the inside as moist as Mum’s. But it might be a tough call, because to have that golden brown skin- it means having to broil the bird and this dries up all the juice I had tried painstakingly to keep in over the last 2 hours. Anyhow, I will experiment with my timing next time round. Maybe this will get me watching the clock a little more conscientiously.
But it’s not as if my days of being a screwball in the kitchen is over.
I’m into blending fruits into pulp these days. Thanks to Lynn and her craze with “You are what you eat”- I caught her bug when I visited her in New York. So anyway, I made black bean salad with the juices from 3 big limes the other day. And being a crazy lemon-lime fan, I hated to see the lime pith (the white spongy part) go to waste. So I had a brilliant idea to rip out all the pith, and save them for my fruit juice/pulp that night.
And there I was throwing in all the cucumbers and lime pith into the blender, with a refreshing cucumber concoction in my head. The first sip could not be further away from that! It was ssoooooo bitter, I could not bear to take another sip. But how could the one who cannot bear to throw dry lime pith, let the “pretty” green drink go to waste?
I grumbled and whined with every sip I took. And I drank the small cup through the night. Poor Arthur who did not like cucumber to begin with, and who absolutely would not voluntarily eat bitter gourd, bore the drink like a man. He took it, mouthfuls by mouthfuls, and finished the horrible green stuff before I did!
Lesson #1: Lime pith is bitter. Do not eat it one its own nor blend heaps of it into your drink!
And then I was trying to make Zha Jiang Mian over the weekend. Excited at the prospect of being able to use the blender to blend my onions, and there would be “No-More-Tears”, I chopped them into chunks and threw them into the machine. Sadly, I do not think that the blender was designed for this purpose. Use it to make smoothies yes, juice-pulp blends yes, but not chop onions. So after 30 minutes of unsuccessful attempts at trying to blend my 2 huge onions, I gave up. Instead of nice easy strips to chop, I now had to contend with chunks and chop it twice over. SIGH!
Lesson #2: Do not use your blender to blend onions. Use a food processor!!!
Now someone tell me what the difference between a blender and a food processor is???
My first turkey turned out quite pretty- though I need to improve on keeping the inside as moist as Mum’s. But it might be a tough call, because to have that golden brown skin- it means having to broil the bird and this dries up all the juice I had tried painstakingly to keep in over the last 2 hours. Anyhow, I will experiment with my timing next time round. Maybe this will get me watching the clock a little more conscientiously.
But it’s not as if my days of being a screwball in the kitchen is over.
I’m into blending fruits into pulp these days. Thanks to Lynn and her craze with “You are what you eat”- I caught her bug when I visited her in New York. So anyway, I made black bean salad with the juices from 3 big limes the other day. And being a crazy lemon-lime fan, I hated to see the lime pith (the white spongy part) go to waste. So I had a brilliant idea to rip out all the pith, and save them for my fruit juice/pulp that night.
And there I was throwing in all the cucumbers and lime pith into the blender, with a refreshing cucumber concoction in my head. The first sip could not be further away from that! It was ssoooooo bitter, I could not bear to take another sip. But how could the one who cannot bear to throw dry lime pith, let the “pretty” green drink go to waste?
I grumbled and whined with every sip I took. And I drank the small cup through the night. Poor Arthur who did not like cucumber to begin with, and who absolutely would not voluntarily eat bitter gourd, bore the drink like a man. He took it, mouthfuls by mouthfuls, and finished the horrible green stuff before I did!
Lesson #1: Lime pith is bitter. Do not eat it one its own nor blend heaps of it into your drink!
And then I was trying to make Zha Jiang Mian over the weekend. Excited at the prospect of being able to use the blender to blend my onions, and there would be “No-More-Tears”, I chopped them into chunks and threw them into the machine. Sadly, I do not think that the blender was designed for this purpose. Use it to make smoothies yes, juice-pulp blends yes, but not chop onions. So after 30 minutes of unsuccessful attempts at trying to blend my 2 huge onions, I gave up. Instead of nice easy strips to chop, I now had to contend with chunks and chop it twice over. SIGH!
Lesson #2: Do not use your blender to blend onions. Use a food processor!!!
Now someone tell me what the difference between a blender and a food processor is???
Saturday, December 11, 2010
10 Things I like about ME...
Ok so I’ve disappeared for a long while… So this is a quick 5 min catch up for those who are interested in what’s going on in my life and in my head… Just to limit myself, I’m gonna do the “10 things I want to tell you”. (i'm not THAT ego-centric laaaaaa...)
1. We now have a small group! Although we’ve attended it only once before the group closed for the year (coz of exams and holiday travel), we’re still thankful that we’ve got a small group now. It’s really small and cozy, and there is a certain dynamic when 3 of them are in MDiv, and 1 of them is doing a PhD in Genesis… Nonetheless, I really missed Bible Study and am more than glad to be digging into the Word again!
2. The small group is doing the book of Proverbs. And the study that night revolved around- the difference between Wisdom and the Law. What is their relationship? What is their difference? Is one better than the other? Should one be desired more than the other? When would one apply wisdom (ie a proverb/principle) and when would one apply the law? I had been circling these questions in my head for the last 2 weeks… Much to say about that- will save that for another time.
3. I think I’m falling in love with Village Church and the “old” brothers and sisters there. The 2 major demographic groups in the church are- people above 60s and Trinity students. And it truly is beautiful when the old can share their wisdom with the young, and the young can share their dreams with the old. We need each other, and to see the lives interacting- such is the beauty of the Body of Christ! I wish PPC can harness this advantage too! Maybe we need to get out of our Asian shells...
4. I’ m done with my GRE and applications, and am just waiting for TEDs to accept me. GRE was ahem.. ok.. My Verbal (English) score is just slightly more than half the score of my Quantitative (Math) score. Man.. it’s time to play vocabulary games and brush up my English- I’ve never felt so bad about my English before ok!!! Where did those weird words come from???
5. Now that I’m done with one admin task, I’m jumping into another. Looking to apply for Green Card. Not to worry, though we do not plan to stay here long term.. Figured that this will give us more options and potentially less hassle in the future. Now this thought must give birth to action.
6. Many colleagues in NY are looking out, 1 key person is leaving end of the year, things do not bode well for those who are around. There are many reasons why I should stay, but the feeling of being “left behind” is not a good one. Haiz. Another round of temptation and restless urges to resist.
7. I had fun during Thanksgiving- it was really nice to share the family with Lynn and Winston. I wish so much to share the Kok family and the family games with so many more of you!!!
8. And now Christmas is coming- absolutely my favorite time of the year. Making lots of new fun memories with Arthur, going to Christmas concerts, the church Christmas dinner, looking forward to spending Christmas with the Kok family.. But playbacks to last year’s Christmas and things I did with family and friends in Singapore made my heart miss my moo moo, family and church a lot… And reviewing pictures don't help..
9. I think I have a 70% love-30% hate relationship with snow. I love to see the flakes flurry gently from the sky, and even heavy snowfalls coming at you in the wind is also romantic in a cold-hearted way. But walking in it is not fun, neither is it pretty when it’s melting and mixing with the dirt and salt on the ground. And worse of all, I had 2 close calls with the car skidding out of control… But it’s still beautiful.
10. Randoms: How does the squirrel keep warm in the cold? It’s so small, is it really warm in its fur?
I'm thinking about cutting my fringe- i've resisted for a long time and i really wanted to keep it long for a while, but now i'm bored... should i cut my fringe?
Ok, i think i cheated and squeezed in more than 10 things up there.. But here’s a nutshell of what's going on in my insignificant existence.. hahhha.. Now update me!!!
1. We now have a small group! Although we’ve attended it only once before the group closed for the year (coz of exams and holiday travel), we’re still thankful that we’ve got a small group now. It’s really small and cozy, and there is a certain dynamic when 3 of them are in MDiv, and 1 of them is doing a PhD in Genesis… Nonetheless, I really missed Bible Study and am more than glad to be digging into the Word again!
2. The small group is doing the book of Proverbs. And the study that night revolved around- the difference between Wisdom and the Law. What is their relationship? What is their difference? Is one better than the other? Should one be desired more than the other? When would one apply wisdom (ie a proverb/principle) and when would one apply the law? I had been circling these questions in my head for the last 2 weeks… Much to say about that- will save that for another time.
3. I think I’m falling in love with Village Church and the “old” brothers and sisters there. The 2 major demographic groups in the church are- people above 60s and Trinity students. And it truly is beautiful when the old can share their wisdom with the young, and the young can share their dreams with the old. We need each other, and to see the lives interacting- such is the beauty of the Body of Christ! I wish PPC can harness this advantage too! Maybe we need to get out of our Asian shells...
4. I’ m done with my GRE and applications, and am just waiting for TEDs to accept me. GRE was ahem.. ok.. My Verbal (English) score is just slightly more than half the score of my Quantitative (Math) score. Man.. it’s time to play vocabulary games and brush up my English- I’ve never felt so bad about my English before ok!!! Where did those weird words come from???
5. Now that I’m done with one admin task, I’m jumping into another. Looking to apply for Green Card. Not to worry, though we do not plan to stay here long term.. Figured that this will give us more options and potentially less hassle in the future. Now this thought must give birth to action.
6. Many colleagues in NY are looking out, 1 key person is leaving end of the year, things do not bode well for those who are around. There are many reasons why I should stay, but the feeling of being “left behind” is not a good one. Haiz. Another round of temptation and restless urges to resist.
7. I had fun during Thanksgiving- it was really nice to share the family with Lynn and Winston. I wish so much to share the Kok family and the family games with so many more of you!!!
8. And now Christmas is coming- absolutely my favorite time of the year. Making lots of new fun memories with Arthur, going to Christmas concerts, the church Christmas dinner, looking forward to spending Christmas with the Kok family.. But playbacks to last year’s Christmas and things I did with family and friends in Singapore made my heart miss my moo moo, family and church a lot… And reviewing pictures don't help..
9. I think I have a 70% love-30% hate relationship with snow. I love to see the flakes flurry gently from the sky, and even heavy snowfalls coming at you in the wind is also romantic in a cold-hearted way. But walking in it is not fun, neither is it pretty when it’s melting and mixing with the dirt and salt on the ground. And worse of all, I had 2 close calls with the car skidding out of control… But it’s still beautiful.
10. Randoms: How does the squirrel keep warm in the cold? It’s so small, is it really warm in its fur?
I'm thinking about cutting my fringe- i've resisted for a long time and i really wanted to keep it long for a while, but now i'm bored... should i cut my fringe?
Ok, i think i cheated and squeezed in more than 10 things up there.. But here’s a nutshell of what's going on in my insignificant existence.. hahhha.. Now update me!!!
Monday, November 08, 2010
Relative time
This is how relative time is… countries just decide to turn their clock forward or backward as they like! And when do they do it? Close their eyes, pick a date off the calendar and poof there we have it! Ok, the last part was an exaggeration.
Last week, my outlook calendar had some head-on clashes. The meetings initiated by Andreas, who was based in his Irish farm, started one hour later than it should. And the clashes were only for a week. It took me a while to figure out the strange phenomenon- since in Singapore, the impact was for a couple of months.
On Sunday morning, we were delighted to find that despite having slept for so long, it was still pretty early! We thought that we were being good by waking up so early- and when it dawned on us that we had indeed slept for that ONE HOUR more. Ah.. no more pat on the back.
When I was chatting with moo moo, she said she had to go to bed. I was like “why are you sleeping so early?” she exclaimed “it’s late!” then I realized, ah! We’re 14 hours apart now, not 13… not good…
This morning, my was I delighted to be walking to the office with some sunlight. For the last few weeks, the sky was still pitch black at 6.20am. My first thought was, “isn’t it nice that the sun is rising earlier!” Then almost immediately, I realized we’re starting a little “late”. And just as I thought I had it all figured out why we would want “Daylight savings”… My train ride home killed my enthusiasm… It was barely 5pm, and it’s getting dark outside. So dark, I could not even see my stop. Man… And Arthur’s comment after didn’t help “the days are just getting shorter and shorter, and 21st December will be the shortest day of the year!”
Since I’m still new to this, and pretty much fascinated by the “turning of time”, I turned to the source of all answers to try to find out more about daylight savings.. Here are some titbits of what I found…
• Daylight Saving Time gives us the opportunity to enjoy sunny summer evenings by moving our clocks an hour forward in the spring.
– ok, so I’m experiencing the removal of daylight savings.., and moving back to “standard time”.
• Yet, the implementation of Daylight Saving Time has been fraught with controversy since Benjamin Franklin conceived of the idea. Even today, regions and countries routinely change their approaches to Daylight Saving Time.
– exactly what I meant! It’s a man’s idea, and countries change their approaches to Daylight savings.. Can we then decide that we want 25 hours in a day?
• Most of the United States begins Daylight Saving Time at 2:00 a.m. on the second Sunday in March and reverts to standard time on the first Sunday in November. In the U.S., each time zone switches at a different time.
– how does anyone decide on the date and time?? Strange… And different timezones switching at a different time? Democracy at an extreme? Why arent the states united?
• In the European Union, Summer Time begins and ends at 1:00 a.m. Universal Time (Greenwich Mean Time). It begins the last Sunday in March and ends the last Sunday in October. In the EU, all time zones change at the same moment.
– at least some consistency…
There are some crazy stories about daylight savings.. you can go check it out too! http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html
I was impressed with the clocks on the phones and laptops that got it right (though I heard there were screwups with Apple.. *shake head*), but we’ve gotta fix the clock on the microwave, stove and watches.. Only one left- my dear little car’s little radio clock.. we still cannot figure out how to set the time right… Now let’s hope we’ll figure out how to fix that, otherwise we’ll have to live with that until the time turns again!
Last week, my outlook calendar had some head-on clashes. The meetings initiated by Andreas, who was based in his Irish farm, started one hour later than it should. And the clashes were only for a week. It took me a while to figure out the strange phenomenon- since in Singapore, the impact was for a couple of months.
On Sunday morning, we were delighted to find that despite having slept for so long, it was still pretty early! We thought that we were being good by waking up so early- and when it dawned on us that we had indeed slept for that ONE HOUR more. Ah.. no more pat on the back.
When I was chatting with moo moo, she said she had to go to bed. I was like “why are you sleeping so early?” she exclaimed “it’s late!” then I realized, ah! We’re 14 hours apart now, not 13… not good…
This morning, my was I delighted to be walking to the office with some sunlight. For the last few weeks, the sky was still pitch black at 6.20am. My first thought was, “isn’t it nice that the sun is rising earlier!” Then almost immediately, I realized we’re starting a little “late”. And just as I thought I had it all figured out why we would want “Daylight savings”… My train ride home killed my enthusiasm… It was barely 5pm, and it’s getting dark outside. So dark, I could not even see my stop. Man… And Arthur’s comment after didn’t help “the days are just getting shorter and shorter, and 21st December will be the shortest day of the year!”
Since I’m still new to this, and pretty much fascinated by the “turning of time”, I turned to the source of all answers to try to find out more about daylight savings.. Here are some titbits of what I found…
• Daylight Saving Time gives us the opportunity to enjoy sunny summer evenings by moving our clocks an hour forward in the spring.
– ok, so I’m experiencing the removal of daylight savings.., and moving back to “standard time”.
• Yet, the implementation of Daylight Saving Time has been fraught with controversy since Benjamin Franklin conceived of the idea. Even today, regions and countries routinely change their approaches to Daylight Saving Time.
– exactly what I meant! It’s a man’s idea, and countries change their approaches to Daylight savings.. Can we then decide that we want 25 hours in a day?
• Most of the United States begins Daylight Saving Time at 2:00 a.m. on the second Sunday in March and reverts to standard time on the first Sunday in November. In the U.S., each time zone switches at a different time.
– how does anyone decide on the date and time?? Strange… And different timezones switching at a different time? Democracy at an extreme? Why arent the states united?
• In the European Union, Summer Time begins and ends at 1:00 a.m. Universal Time (Greenwich Mean Time). It begins the last Sunday in March and ends the last Sunday in October. In the EU, all time zones change at the same moment.
– at least some consistency…
There are some crazy stories about daylight savings.. you can go check it out too! http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html
I was impressed with the clocks on the phones and laptops that got it right (though I heard there were screwups with Apple.. *shake head*), but we’ve gotta fix the clock on the microwave, stove and watches.. Only one left- my dear little car’s little radio clock.. we still cannot figure out how to set the time right… Now let’s hope we’ll figure out how to fix that, otherwise we’ll have to live with that until the time turns again!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Why Masters in Counseling Ministries
I never thought of studying counseling, ever- until the last 2 years that is. I used to think to myself- basically you just need to know how to talk to people, lots of wisdom from God, and be a vessel of the Holy Spirit. I thought I could handle the first one- I was not tactless. The second criteria- which is why knowing His Word is so important, so studying of His Word is the most important thing ever. I have no control over the third- I can only pray that He would use me, and speak through me.
Retrospectively, I guess God was feeding me the humble pie through these 2 years. Everytime I talked to someone who confided in me, I would go back and tear the conversation apart. Had I given worldly wisdom? Did my efforts to bring God into the picture sound hollow? Could I have given better counsel than my feeble advice? Had I listened well?
Psychoanalyzing this, I guess it does sound very self-centered- that the focus is what I have done. On other occasions, I perhaps might repent of that guilt. But the truth is, the desire to be a better friend, a better steward of the trust and time God & my friend had entrusted to me started to grow stronger and stronger. I desire so much to not give worthless self-help type of advice, and hope that somehow I could better lead them to see where Jesus is in all this so they could go to Him. I wanted to communicate the truth in spirit and in love.
It is in this context that I started thinking about counseling skills. I know that I am not your typical “counselor” type of person- someone gentle in spirit, flowing with wisdom, elegance and stability. I am a little crazy, unstable at times, stutter my way through and open my mouth before I think. And I admit that it would freak me out to be labeled as a “counselor” in any sort of context. These were the things that gave me cold feet.
Reading “Courage & Calling” gave me insight. Part of finding out our calling is to ask the question- how has God made us to see the broken-ness of this world? What causes my heart to cry and beat with God’s? I want to mourn with those who mourn, and laugh with those who laugh. I want to help lift people’s eyes off the circles that we are running each day, to see Him who was and is to come.
When I think about the people whom I would talk to in the future- because I am a woman and cant stop yakking. When Aunt Joanne reminded me that people would also come to me by virtue of being a missionary/ churchworker/ pastor’s wife. When at the end of the day, ministry is about people and relationships- why shall I not be compelled to be better equipped for their sake? Even if I am not your typical counselor or would use nothing from the course- I could not have done any damage for learning more.
And so here I am, set and really excited to start my MA in Counseling Ministries in the Spring at Trinity. I look forward to going back to the classroom, getting my hands dirty, learning and being exposed to a whole new world. And the best thing is that I will not just be learning about psychology and counseling in a secular setting, but there’s lots of theology, Christian worldview, pastoral and ministry issues mixed into it. What else can I ask for?
Being the horrible critic that I am, I do want to acknowledge that theories and skills can well only be head knowledge. So I have no illusions that I would be wiser and more skilled by going through this. The wise heart still comes only from loving, knowing, fearing and seeking Him first. My prayer is that He will mould me through the people I will meet, the books, the practical training, etc. Even thereafter, to display His strength through my weaknesses.
When I recall my secret dream to pursue a further education that is both my heart’s desire and for His Kingdom, and that it’s really happening.. I am truly humbled at how He has brought about this- being patient with me and giving me the necessary nudges to push me along. Please keep me in prayer- and in all things, to Him be the glory!
http://www.tiu.edu/divinity/academics/programs/mdiv-ma/counselingministries
Retrospectively, I guess God was feeding me the humble pie through these 2 years. Everytime I talked to someone who confided in me, I would go back and tear the conversation apart. Had I given worldly wisdom? Did my efforts to bring God into the picture sound hollow? Could I have given better counsel than my feeble advice? Had I listened well?
Psychoanalyzing this, I guess it does sound very self-centered- that the focus is what I have done. On other occasions, I perhaps might repent of that guilt. But the truth is, the desire to be a better friend, a better steward of the trust and time God & my friend had entrusted to me started to grow stronger and stronger. I desire so much to not give worthless self-help type of advice, and hope that somehow I could better lead them to see where Jesus is in all this so they could go to Him. I wanted to communicate the truth in spirit and in love.
It is in this context that I started thinking about counseling skills. I know that I am not your typical “counselor” type of person- someone gentle in spirit, flowing with wisdom, elegance and stability. I am a little crazy, unstable at times, stutter my way through and open my mouth before I think. And I admit that it would freak me out to be labeled as a “counselor” in any sort of context. These were the things that gave me cold feet.
Reading “Courage & Calling” gave me insight. Part of finding out our calling is to ask the question- how has God made us to see the broken-ness of this world? What causes my heart to cry and beat with God’s? I want to mourn with those who mourn, and laugh with those who laugh. I want to help lift people’s eyes off the circles that we are running each day, to see Him who was and is to come.
When I think about the people whom I would talk to in the future- because I am a woman and cant stop yakking. When Aunt Joanne reminded me that people would also come to me by virtue of being a missionary/ churchworker/ pastor’s wife. When at the end of the day, ministry is about people and relationships- why shall I not be compelled to be better equipped for their sake? Even if I am not your typical counselor or would use nothing from the course- I could not have done any damage for learning more.
And so here I am, set and really excited to start my MA in Counseling Ministries in the Spring at Trinity. I look forward to going back to the classroom, getting my hands dirty, learning and being exposed to a whole new world. And the best thing is that I will not just be learning about psychology and counseling in a secular setting, but there’s lots of theology, Christian worldview, pastoral and ministry issues mixed into it. What else can I ask for?
Being the horrible critic that I am, I do want to acknowledge that theories and skills can well only be head knowledge. So I have no illusions that I would be wiser and more skilled by going through this. The wise heart still comes only from loving, knowing, fearing and seeking Him first. My prayer is that He will mould me through the people I will meet, the books, the practical training, etc. Even thereafter, to display His strength through my weaknesses.
When I recall my secret dream to pursue a further education that is both my heart’s desire and for His Kingdom, and that it’s really happening.. I am truly humbled at how He has brought about this- being patient with me and giving me the necessary nudges to push me along. Please keep me in prayer- and in all things, to Him be the glory!
http://www.tiu.edu/divinity/academics/programs/mdiv-ma/counselingministries
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Wounded Healer
Such a brilliant and introspective book first published in 1979. And I am completely blown away by how relevant the book still is today, 21 years later. Henri Nouwen had stated at the outset, that he is addressing the need of tomorrow’s generation, as he explores ministry in a dislocated world, ministry for a rootless generation, ministry to a hopeless man, and ministry by a lonely minister. And I guess, we are that generation he is addressing.
The book is not a “blow you away”, dripping with theological juices kind of book. Neither is it a “I understand your pain” solidarity affirmation. But it leads its reader on an introspective journey, to be safe in acknowledging that one carries wounds, to look beyond the self and see that the wounds we all carry are not that unique, to learn to see that our neighbor is wounded too, and find strength to be that wounded healer.
Don’t intend this to be a spoiler for anyone who would read that book some day, but here’s an extract in the last chapter that I’d like to share with you the reader….
Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.
But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.
When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge- that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition.
This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.
The book is not a “blow you away”, dripping with theological juices kind of book. Neither is it a “I understand your pain” solidarity affirmation. But it leads its reader on an introspective journey, to be safe in acknowledging that one carries wounds, to look beyond the self and see that the wounds we all carry are not that unique, to learn to see that our neighbor is wounded too, and find strength to be that wounded healer.
Don’t intend this to be a spoiler for anyone who would read that book some day, but here’s an extract in the last chapter that I’d like to share with you the reader….
Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.
But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.
When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge- that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition.
This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.
Monday, October 18, 2010
A very small yes...
17 October 2006, he asked me if he could have a chance to court me. My very small yes then, brought us down a road that led to a bigger yes 2 years later. Who would have thought : )
So here’s a special dedication to the one who likes to start his letters off to me as if we're already in the middle of a conversation… And so I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest of friends as oppose to what we actually were then…. “What will he say today?” I sometimes wonder.
I turn on my computer, I sign on, I wait impatiently as it connects and my chest catches my breath as I watch my inbox and see the little envelope that tells me three little words. 'You've Got Mail' I hear nothing,… just the beat of my own heart. I have mail-- from you.
So here’s a special dedication to the one who likes to start his letters off to me as if we're already in the middle of a conversation… And so I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest of friends as oppose to what we actually were then…. “What will he say today?” I sometimes wonder.
I turn on my computer, I sign on, I wait impatiently as it connects and my chest catches my breath as I watch my inbox and see the little envelope that tells me three little words. 'You've Got Mail' I hear nothing,… just the beat of my own heart. I have mail-- from you.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The magic of ordinary days…
Moomoo commented that I look happier these days… That's when i notice that i am smiling more from the inside, and I'm truly thankful for that- the slightly downside would be my rounder face as she keeps reminding me... Bleah :p But it's ok laaaaa.... :)
And I'm wondering why... Maybe it's because of the more time i get to think and read, maybe Daddy is working His magic inside me, maybe it's just a different pace and a different life I'm having- i love change, or maybe it's simply because of my sugar high from all the chocoates and ice-cream.. *guilty pleasure*
Anyhow, moomoo's comment got me thinking about some things that makes me happy each day… Here’s a glimpse of 5 smiles I’d have inside any given ordinary day.
1. Taking a long warm shower in the morning- that’s all I need to shake off the shivers and sleepiness
2. Journeying from home to office– car ride chats with Arthur, getting busy on the Metra, walking in the Chicago dawn overlooking the river and looking up at the skyscrapers, love the feeling of the cool morning air in my face as I brisk walk to my destination
3. Greeting the squirrels and trees, basically I name them all the same- “Hello Squirrel! Hello tree!” Maybe in heaven, they will finally be able to converse with me.
4. Thinking about dinner in the middle of the day, sometimes because I’m hungry, sometimes because I’m experimenting with something different, whatever the reason it’s always nice to await a nice meal
5. Laying in bed, with my head on the soft pillow, thankful that the day is over, wondering when I will fall into a deep deep sleep, and then without knowing… be off to dreamland
And I'm wondering why... Maybe it's because of the more time i get to think and read, maybe Daddy is working His magic inside me, maybe it's just a different pace and a different life I'm having- i love change, or maybe it's simply because of my sugar high from all the chocoates and ice-cream.. *guilty pleasure*
Anyhow, moomoo's comment got me thinking about some things that makes me happy each day… Here’s a glimpse of 5 smiles I’d have inside any given ordinary day.
1. Taking a long warm shower in the morning- that’s all I need to shake off the shivers and sleepiness
2. Journeying from home to office– car ride chats with Arthur, getting busy on the Metra, walking in the Chicago dawn overlooking the river and looking up at the skyscrapers, love the feeling of the cool morning air in my face as I brisk walk to my destination
3. Greeting the squirrels and trees, basically I name them all the same- “Hello Squirrel! Hello tree!” Maybe in heaven, they will finally be able to converse with me.
4. Thinking about dinner in the middle of the day, sometimes because I’m hungry, sometimes because I’m experimenting with something different, whatever the reason it’s always nice to await a nice meal
5. Laying in bed, with my head on the soft pillow, thankful that the day is over, wondering when I will fall into a deep deep sleep, and then without knowing… be off to dreamland
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Not a baby kind of girl…
I’m really not your baby kind of girl. I look at all the people around me, and I must admit that I feel like a baby-hating b**** beside them…
Well, of course I don’t actually hate babies or kids- I find them charming for the first “oh… he/she is sooo cute!”, after which I’m just ready to “ok.. let’s get down to what I need to do with you”. I can keep them company, babysit them, play with them, teach them Sunday school, carry them, sing to them, rock them to sleep- and completely enjoying the process.. but cross my heart, I’m not THAT absorbed about them.
I think about my sister with her non-stop talking about Joy-joy and Isaac, or Xun’s obsession with Miguel. Everyone in the family who adores baby Katie, keeping up with her photos and videos, etc. I must admit I’m not like that. Squealing “Isn’t she cute!!”, “He’s my boy” just aint my cup of tea. And beside all these people who fawns over the young ones, I am starting to wonder if I’m cut out to be a mother.
A part of me thinks that I’m gonna rebel against all that attention given to kids such that- when I have one of my own, don’t expect me to video them or post constant updates about them. I’m prob gonna be writing about my own insanity. That kid is not gonna be the center of my existence, thank you very much.
What shall I do? And to be completely honest, neither Arthur and I are crazy about having children at this point. And the prospect of watching them grow up and go through all the crazy things this world throws at them, sends butterflies into my stomach. And think about all the things we have to give up for them- am I ready to do that? Adoption is a possibility, but the paperwork and cost is so prohibitive… Gosh I have less love than Angelina Jolie!!! I’m starting to sound like a selfish child hater now, don’t i?
Maybe we don’t have the gift of having children? There are heaps of cute Eurasian babies around, a few less on the surface of the earth won’t hurt? Man… In His time, in His time.
Well, of course I don’t actually hate babies or kids- I find them charming for the first “oh… he/she is sooo cute!”, after which I’m just ready to “ok.. let’s get down to what I need to do with you”. I can keep them company, babysit them, play with them, teach them Sunday school, carry them, sing to them, rock them to sleep- and completely enjoying the process.. but cross my heart, I’m not THAT absorbed about them.
I think about my sister with her non-stop talking about Joy-joy and Isaac, or Xun’s obsession with Miguel. Everyone in the family who adores baby Katie, keeping up with her photos and videos, etc. I must admit I’m not like that. Squealing “Isn’t she cute!!”, “He’s my boy” just aint my cup of tea. And beside all these people who fawns over the young ones, I am starting to wonder if I’m cut out to be a mother.
A part of me thinks that I’m gonna rebel against all that attention given to kids such that- when I have one of my own, don’t expect me to video them or post constant updates about them. I’m prob gonna be writing about my own insanity. That kid is not gonna be the center of my existence, thank you very much.
What shall I do? And to be completely honest, neither Arthur and I are crazy about having children at this point. And the prospect of watching them grow up and go through all the crazy things this world throws at them, sends butterflies into my stomach. And think about all the things we have to give up for them- am I ready to do that? Adoption is a possibility, but the paperwork and cost is so prohibitive… Gosh I have less love than Angelina Jolie!!! I’m starting to sound like a selfish child hater now, don’t i?
Maybe we don’t have the gift of having children? There are heaps of cute Eurasian babies around, a few less on the surface of the earth won’t hurt? Man… In His time, in His time.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
6 October 2010, my birthday
How did I spend my birthday?
I was asked many times today how I spent my birthday or am planning to spend my birthday. And I also had a hard time trying to remember how I spent my birthday last year! So here I am penning special memories of today so that I wont forget next year!
If you’re reading this, beware that this is pretty much a boring “what did I do”-diary type of entry..
So I woke up to a nice gift and card from Arthur. But his biggest gift to me this year making a cake with me after dinner- that I would count as my most precious memory this year. It’s there in the photos, my butter sponge with cinnamon apple and chocoloate topping cake. It was pretty yum!! The sweet soft butter sponge- thanks to Arthur’s beating (we made it without an electric mixer!), tart granny smith and chocolate went very well together indeed. Hmm.. another of my kooky creations :p
And of course, I hadn’t planned on doing anything very special. So it was work as usual. Sorry to disappoint those who were hoping I’ll have a ‘smashing’, ‘special’, ‘fun’ birthday. Heh.. But working from home has its advantages.. I got to skype with Gayle! Though she hadn’t installed her webcam.. So I didn’t let her see me either hahaha…
As I was reminded, it’s my first bday in the States :p And I know mum stayed partially coz of it- and she splurged on a not very prudent gift for me. *guilty* Oh and of course, my moo moo was the first to wish me on the phone- and she woke up specially to wish me on Singapore time 6 October. Usual prima donna princess, wishing me on her timeline hahaha..
Not to mention the many e-cards and FB messages I received. Thanks so much for them!! See how FB is changing the world… So I made it a personal goal to respond to all of them.. And I’m still working through them. And Mum and Dad called from Decatur- sweet of them to remember.. I wanted to call Daddy and give him a chance to wish me happy birthday :p but sigh! He didn’t pick up his phone.. bleah…
Now one last thing left to do… To be quiet and think about what this past year had been like.. The forgetful me is really terrible at this. So I need to go and hopefully squeeze in some reflective moments before Daddy, or I lose this day again!
So here’s my 29th birthday.. the last one before I hit the big 3.. Eeeeeeee……
I was asked many times today how I spent my birthday or am planning to spend my birthday. And I also had a hard time trying to remember how I spent my birthday last year! So here I am penning special memories of today so that I wont forget next year!
If you’re reading this, beware that this is pretty much a boring “what did I do”-diary type of entry..
So I woke up to a nice gift and card from Arthur. But his biggest gift to me this year making a cake with me after dinner- that I would count as my most precious memory this year. It’s there in the photos, my butter sponge with cinnamon apple and chocoloate topping cake. It was pretty yum!! The sweet soft butter sponge- thanks to Arthur’s beating (we made it without an electric mixer!), tart granny smith and chocolate went very well together indeed. Hmm.. another of my kooky creations :p
And of course, I hadn’t planned on doing anything very special. So it was work as usual. Sorry to disappoint those who were hoping I’ll have a ‘smashing’, ‘special’, ‘fun’ birthday. Heh.. But working from home has its advantages.. I got to skype with Gayle! Though she hadn’t installed her webcam.. So I didn’t let her see me either hahaha…
As I was reminded, it’s my first bday in the States :p And I know mum stayed partially coz of it- and she splurged on a not very prudent gift for me. *guilty* Oh and of course, my moo moo was the first to wish me on the phone- and she woke up specially to wish me on Singapore time 6 October. Usual prima donna princess, wishing me on her timeline hahaha..
Not to mention the many e-cards and FB messages I received. Thanks so much for them!! See how FB is changing the world… So I made it a personal goal to respond to all of them.. And I’m still working through them. And Mum and Dad called from Decatur- sweet of them to remember.. I wanted to call Daddy and give him a chance to wish me happy birthday :p but sigh! He didn’t pick up his phone.. bleah…
Now one last thing left to do… To be quiet and think about what this past year had been like.. The forgetful me is really terrible at this. So I need to go and hopefully squeeze in some reflective moments before Daddy, or I lose this day again!
So here’s my 29th birthday.. the last one before I hit the big 3.. Eeeeeeee……
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