The first 3 months

It’s the last day of April, and I gotta get something in lest I miss a “month-print” on this space! Thanks to the reminder of my most faithful reader who has this as his home-page. *HUGZ*

Remember watching TV and the actress suddenly cusps her mouth, rushes to the toilet and faces head down into the bowl? The audience knows instantly “ah-ha, she must be pregnant!” What I never figured out, is if anything ever came out. I guess I must have thought that nothing did, because I was caught by surprise the things that could come out of me.

So quickly, so much, tasty some times, grouse some times, bitter some times. I guess my “favorite” is not having had any food, and then let the juices turn my insides upside down. It’s the least grouse in my opinion, at least I don’t have to taste my food twice over. By this time, I’ve gotten used to the routine – as Arthur puts it “my ritual before the toilet bowl”. Things are getting better. There are more good days than bad, but I am not completely out of the woods yet.

Then there’s the pull I feel in my thighs and occasional lower backache. It’s all about the posture, I tell myself. But I never learn until I feel the pain. And the fatigue, racing heart, and short breath; all forcing me to slow down because my body is working full time to help the little one grow. This past weekend, I had to put away so many of my bottoms because I cannot fit into them anymore. Oh too quickly! I miss the shorts I bought last summer!

We had a little scare yesterday when I saw blood in the toilet bowl. The nurse had warned me before that it might happen, and it might not be anything. But still, it did not stop me from feeling fearful for the one inside, or bursting out into tears at my desk. I hoped to God that He did not play a prank on us, for we have just “announced to the world” yesterday; and now to lose the little one at this impeccable timing. Oh God, thanks for being patient with me and my little faith!

Thankfully, Arthur dropped everything, drove all the way into the city to pick me up and go to the doctor’s to have it all confirmed that it was “nothing”. Thank you God for Arthur!

People say “miscarriages are common or normal”, but there is nothing normal or common about the pain and the fear. I don’t know how long I will take, to dare to get pregnant again should I have miscarried. It was reassuring when the nurses said “it is scary, and don’t ever hesitate to call whenever”. As a counselor, I felt empathy, affirmed and safe – that I was not over-reacting or crazy. But it raised another question of how do I “normalize negative experiences” without dismissing what the counselee is feeling?

No, I don’t want to be a whiney pregnant lady; be one of those who only pass down horror stories. I’m penning these down precisely because I don’t really want to be telling them only “bad things” when I talk to people! And I know they will all pass away when we hold the little one in our arms.

Yet, all these experiences are all part of the journey, my journey, our journey. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. I did not know or experienced all these then, but now I do. Sure, every pregnancy is different. But to all the Mums out there, you are amazing! And so is my hubby :)

Pausing on Good Friday

Such a whirlwind… It’s been a crazy month. Hard to believe that it’s almost a month since we went to Israel. I did not even have time to complete my journals and upload all the pictures for the trip. And then there were the admin things associated with graduation, the Comprehensive Exam, school assignments, and of course work.

The days flew by. But the hours passed a too little slowly at times. I’ve been having this “health problem” for over a month now, and it’s forced me to slow down a lot, sleep earlier and do less. Will write more about this in due course, but it suffices to say that it reminds me that every breath and every step I take is all by God’s Good Grace.

And so today is Good Friday. It is the day when my Savior died the death that was mine. He expiated my sin and propitiated God. He is my penal substitution, paid the price with His blood to redeem me from my slavery to sin. He did that, not conditional upon my acceptance or my merit (what merit?!), but simply because He is Love and He loves me.

Good Friday is when humanity is confronted with our wickedness and ugliness. When we are hit on the face with our inability to save ourselves, at all. All the best work of our hands, or the best thoughts of our hearts; are but grass that withers, flowers that fade, and ashes that burn to dust. We need God, period.

But yet, Good Friday is also the day I need to cling on to – even in the brightest day of my life; that God is satisfied. It is the day that gives me hope that He is not going to turn away, that He won and will win at the end of the day, that He is in charge come what may. In the words of one of my favorite song these days (embedded below),

“Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn”

I know that redemption wins, and all the struggles of life will end. I know that a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. I know that all that is dead inside and out can be reborn. Because I’m won – by His Love and His Life.

And Sweet Jesus, gave us more than Good Friday. He gave us Easter, for three days later, He rose again. He did. He won, and defeated our worst enemy death. He won, and crushed the heel of the Ancient Serpent. He won, and gave us new life. Hooray!

Sweet Jesus, help me cling on to you every day, because I need it. I need You. Let this not just be a day, but every day. I love You, thank You for coming, living, dying and resurrecting for me!

Chronicles of Israel ~ Days 1 and 2

Day 1 ~ Flight woes and wins

Due to the snow in Chicago, our original flight (from ORD to JFK to Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv) was cancelled. What followed a small moment of disappointment and asking God for His will to be done, was an amazing turnaround. We called the airlines, and were told that our flight was rescheduled. As it turned out, we were flying from Chicago to Amsterdam to Zurich to Tel Aviv. All the new arrangements were made in less than 30 minutes!
Thank You God for using modern day technology to work all these things out for us. What a blessing that things are so convenient today. Some ways in which technology is a boon rather than a bane. :)

And so we got a more comfortable flight on KLM, and landed briefly in Europe. Visiting the airports made me want so much to step outside to see the tulips in the Netherlands, and the Swiss Alps. Next time perhaps!

After 18 hours of flight and transitions, we finally arrived in Tel Aviv. Driving along the modern well lit highway, I was reminded of my dear Singapore; though the Americans thought of Florida and Miami. At the end of the day, I was struck by the fact that this is a “normal” modern city where people lived and work. It’s easy to forget as tourists that people here lead “normal” lives!

And so we were told that in Israel, the reputation of its 3 most important cities are: Jerusalem studies, Haifa works, and Tel Aviv plays. And TelAviv was voted the most gay friendly city in the world last year.

After dinner, we walked along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, and it is just so refreshing to smell the wind blowing in from the sea. So refreshing.

Day 2

Our first stop is Joppa (or Jaffa). It is a modern day living ancient city. It has always been an international center, at the center of trade routes, and prized by many a conquerors (like the Egyptians, David, Solomon and Alexander the Great). What was most striking for me is to see the layers of history of how God worked in this city.

Jonah was called in Joppa to go preach to Nineveh, to bring God’s message of judgment to the Gentiles. And then Peter had the vision of eating unclean food in Joppa, where God convicted him that He had indeed ordained the Gentiles to receive His Gospel. Joppa is a testament of God’s heart and plan for Gentiles like me, and to be in the place where He started to plant those seeds in the hearts of His people, amazing!

The rest of our day was spent in the Shephelah, which meant low plains.

We made stops at Beth-Shemesh and Aijalon Valley. Beth Shemesh is known to be the place where Samson the Nazerite came from. He was part of the faithful Danites who stayed in the land that God gave to the tribe.

The valleys are so green and beautiful, something that was not part of the picture of Israel in my mind before coming. It takes more than a little imagination to think how a peaceful place as this, was once a place of fighting, bloodshed and strife. It made me wish that Peter Jackson will shoot a couple of the biblical stories, to help me with my (lack of) imagination

Next up was Maresha, the Sidonian Tomb and Maresha bell caves. The trek up the Maresha lookout was kinda steep! I’m glad I did not roll down the hill.:p
The bell caves used to be a quarry supplying the rocks for building. They then became a place where the Crusaders came through and the early church worshipped. The caves were beautiful, so majestic looking. To contemplate about how the early church suffered for their faith in these caves was just heart-breaking. How has the Gospel gone out from my life, since God spared me such persecution?! It was beautiful to sing hymns in the caves. May the music touched the hearts of those who heard it.

And then we went to a lookout that oversaw the Elah Valley, where David fought Goliath. Appreciating the landscape, and imagining the interplay of the forces and power there, David was not being simple-minded or fool-hardy at all! He knew what he was doing, and had the Lord of Hosts behind him. Who can stand against me if God is for me?! The cheap thrill in this leg was picking up a few stones :)

Our last stop for the day was Lachish. This is the second most important city for Judah after Jerusalem. There was much excavation treasures, and you can see the layers of the city that had been buried there. We saw 2 boulders that used to be part of the palace foundation, and even found pottery remains. I wih I can see the city alive in its hey day.

These sites made me miss my time in Turkey with my little moo moo, and looking forward to the time when I can revisit the relics from the early church with Arthur! Ok.. Till next time!

Snow Reflections

Flickering, fluttering
Falling gently from the sky
A miracle
An awesome wonder
What a Creator

Giving cover to the branches

Glistening robe, new attire
Such splendor
The trees beckoning
Christmas morn

The snow falls and it covers

The mud and yuck beneath
And all that remains to the sight
A beautiful piece of white
What purity

How could He say

His child is as white as snow
I am but broken
But He knows I will be whole
For He is Love

Celebrate Recovery

I participated in Celebrate Recovery (CR) for the first time on Thursday. This is a day to remember.

There was a very significant conversation over dinner- but I will leave that for another day. As I was sitting there before praise and worship started, I felt different from the people around me– I am not an alcoholic, nor am I a co-dependent, I was different. Would I fit in here? What did I get myself into?

But as time we sang praises to God, I was overcome by reality. Reality as seen by God. That in God’s eyes, we were all not too different. God loves that recovering alcoholic brother as much as He loves me, my sins were not too different from the sins of that sister who struggled with substance abuse. We were all one in the same, sinners in need of God’s grace, sinners dearly loved by God. It was humbling to be in the midst of people who are so open with their sins. I was one and the same as them.

And then we got into groups. After the introductions and laying of ground rules, the sharing started. I again wondered, I am not sure if I have anything to share – I am not sure if I am struggling with things to the same extent as the women around me. But as I listened to the burdens that my sisters were carrying, the Holy Spirit used one’s sister’s sharing to convict me of a sin that I had only dared to confess to God and two others in private. It was a sin not too visible, but a sin so deep. Although it was long over, but I have carried that stone for so long.

Applying what I learnt from group counseling, I took the plunge. I told the group something that I have never dared so openly admit before. There were tears, guilt and shame. I felt vulnerable. But at the end of the day, there was freedom. There, I said it. It will no longer be a secret sin, but something I had shared in the safety of my family in Christ. I am convinced that this will not be the last time I will share it. I am convicted that this will be something God wants me to use in my ministry to other sisters in the future. This is but a first step, to use the ashes of my sin, to bring about the beauty in Christ.

I was convicted about God’s power in the open confession among the fellowship of believers. That the acknowledgement and personal ownership of sin to in community was so liberating, and a very tangible way in how believers can help carry each other’s burden. I have always believed in and heard about the power of Christian community in helping each other overcome sin, and now I have personally tasted it.

Nasty vent

I just need to vent.

 I have a narcissist staying in my house, and I can’t take it any more!

I might end up sticking to my word, to let her stay all semester (a few days or one day a week). But, I’m not happy about it.

Lesson learnt: to know someone before offering accommodation- at least something that will last a long time.

But for her to come in and talk about her all the time. Demanding everyone’s attention. Since I’m unwilling to give it to her, guess what, she takes Arthur’s time – who when he does not have enough time, scrimp on his time with me! And of course the people-pleaser does not how to say no. I mean, who else would willingly give up attention so he can do what he needs to? NOT the narcissist.

To demand to use one of the 2 bath rods in the bathroom, having Arthur to hang his wet towel on my closet door?! Seriously, you could not find a solution for your wet towel? We’ve had many guests before, none of us have given us this unsolvable problem. But of course, one will not expect less than the narcissist.

Sorry, i know you have tons of sob stories, but seriously, i don't trust you. i just don't. i will not be sending someone to your practice for sure.

We first offered to let you stay for the J-term, and then you ask for the whole semester. But we must be blamed for saying yes. So now i'm angry with myself too.

And now I must risk being a hypocrite living under the same roof as you for the rest of the dreadful semester.

Argh! Did i have to make my last semester such a terrible one? And quite an entry for the first one in 2013!

Ok.. I know this is my Father's world, and she too is a daughter of the Most High. Perhaps, that will be sufficient to get me through the times when we're together.

Urbana 12

There can be no better way to finish a year, and start another one. Urbana 12 Missions Conference.  To be reminded of God’s heart for the lost, His passion to seek them out, His mission when Jesus came, His unconditional love for the world, and His unmistakable call when He gave His people talents.
Be on board to give your life to the work of the Kingdom, or risk wasting your life!

In the opening night, Greg Jao (Emcee of Urbana 12) mentioned in his exhortation that he still remembers and meditates till this day, the sermons he heard in his very first Urbana (perhaps 10-20 years ago?).

I did not think it was possible since I’ve heard many great sermons in my life, but I am not sure I remember them all. But, after these 5 days, I must concede that this forgetful lass actually MIGHT or WILL remember a few messages from this conference for a very long time. I will share my reflections on a few of the messages that have impacted me profoundly.

Jesus is worthy of everything we’ve got. Give our lives, and if necessary, lose it, for Jesus. David Platt (my new favorite preacher, go buy and read “Radical”) pieced the sword of God in Luke 9:57-62; 14:14-24 right into the hearts of our souls that night. Scripture records the reasons that people have for not following Jesus – to bury the dead, bid the family goodbye, see one’s field, trying out one’s oxen or spending time with spouse. Jesus responds to these people will little patience. He sees right through their excuses.

Following Christ will be costly, but He is worthy of our trust, worthy of our plans and dream, and worthy of our affections. He gave His life for us, He faced divine wrath for us, He is the King who will return to establish His Kingdom.
For what or for who, will you be willing to lose everything for? For what or for who, will your greatest love on earth seem like hate? For what or for who, will you be willing to drop everything and change your plans to follow? Have you found that thing or that persom who is worthy of these things?
Dear Jesus, I know You are worthy. Let my life reflect that God, please. Take my life- I want to give it to You, I want to lose if for You, I want to follow You. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

There is much much rejoicing in heaven when the lost sheep, lost coin and lost son is found. Will we celebrate when a lost soul is found?

The Good Shepherd goes with resolution to find that one lost sheep, the woman turns her house upside down to find the one lost coin, and the Loving Father runs and begs undignified to cover the distance between him and his lost sons. To what lengths will we go to seek out the lost?
And we have the examples from Zacchaeus who will not let the opinions and treatment of the crowds stop him from seeing Jesus, LL who will lost her husband and risked the lives of her family by serving in Afgx, and many others who are relentlessly battling their circumstance, fighting their temptations and surrendering their lives in pursuit of Jesus. LL warned us not to settle- for the comfortable life, for hanging out with our favorite people, for the easy environment to be in or raise our family in. It is dangerously easy to do that.
Dear Jesus, I want to see You, I want to find You, I want to be like You. I want to rejoice with You in the finding of the lost. I want to have Your determination in Your cause. Help me be brave not to settle. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

I have finally found the voice for the incessant nagging that I have had, throughout my career. I want my life to mean more than something. In the end, I want to leave something more than a physical inheritance to the next generation.

God has uniquely gifted each one of His children for something. He has a role for us to play in His Kingdom and Economy. If we are not faithful to the talents that He has given to us for the advancement of His Kingdom; we will impoverish the Church, and we are all the more impoverished in our souls. Of course God does not NEED us- as if we are anything. But He wants to! Jesus counted on the 12 (or 11) to share the Gospel to the ends of the earth.
We are made for eternity, and meant to work for eternity – for something bigger than our bank accounts, bigger than our house, bigger than our reputation, bigger than it all. We want to find the sweet spot where God’s Kingdom priorities, our gifts and talents, and the needs of the world meet.
It is not that being faithful at work is not good, or that being a good testimony is not sufficient, but He has made me for something more.
I will now be proud of this holy discontent and keep searching for the place He wants me to be in. I will recognize that my profession and capabilities at work are His gifts too, so I want to be open to how He will use these where I am.
Dear Jesus, thank you for forming me, gifting me, and making me who I am. Reveal Your plans for me, Lead me to follow in Your steps. Make me alert and strong to be Your hands and feet in this world. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

As I “stumbled” into counseling, I stumbled into missions. Although I always knew that it would be a possibility with my life being intertwined with Arthur, I have never considered it seriously till now. Singapore, China the States, or any other parts of my Father’s World – get ready for His son and daughter to do some serious damage! Will you who are reading this, be our partner?

So here I am.. Standing at the end of 2012, and welcoming 2013. The world may be in gloom worrying about the fiscal cliff, global economy, wars and all. But here, God has given humanity another day, another week, another month, another year – for His people to shine His light and bring hope till He returns.

Welcome world, welcome 2013, to Jesus!

Merry Christmas!

Dear Jesus,

Happy Birthday! Thank You for coming to our world more than 2000 years ago.  Thank You for laying aside Your majesty, and come to be born as a little baby in the humblest of circumstance.

The world that You came for, did not receive You. It hated and rejected You – even till today.

Some had killed others to get rid of You. Some did not want You around. Some even wanted to kill you.
Some do not even believe you came. Some said that You are not good for You are too exclusive and require obedience. Some cannot be bothered with You.
Even among Your people, sometimes we forget about You. Sometimes we pretend that You are in control even though we are holding on to the reins. Sometimes, we wonder and doubt in our blindness and deafness to You.

Despite all of these. You still came. The depth of Your love, the height of Your grace – who can fathom O Lord?

To have seen the evil Your eyes have seen, and still choose to love. To have experienced the injustice You have experienced, and still choose go forgive. To have heard the objections to Your existence, and still choose to forbear and wait. Lord, You are amazing. How do you do all that? It's crazy!

But yet precious Jesus, I need You to be who You say You are. Otherwise, I will not be able to stand.

How much longer Lord, will your people have to wait to see Your glory? Few saw Your glory in the manger that night, even though all the angels were singing in the heavens.
The next time You come, Your glory will shine through all the earth. Every knee will bow, and every tongue confess, that Jesus- You are Lord. Yay!

Thank You for giving us this day to remember You Lord. Please stay in the manger of our hearts. Please sit in the throne of our lives. And please form Yourself in us, so that we can be more and more like You - our dearest King, Lover and Friend.

I love You Jesus, thank You for coming for me.

In Your Name I pray,

Amen.

Confessions of a unforgiving-holic

I must conclude that I am a prejudiced un-forgiver.

I have a list of people whom I would love never to see again nor spend time with on this earth or in eternity. And then I have a list of people whom I have decided to not open up my heart with. Both lists seem to be growing. Even though time passes, the ink of their names on that list scarcely faded. If I could work myself into it, the wrenching of my heart and the twisting of my guts would seem as fresh as yesterday. I was forced recently to examine why it had been so difficult for this “nice person” to let go.

My grudge is scarcely proportionate to what they did; and in some of these cases, their trespass is not even toward me! I could pin and point where they had erred, and how upset God will be with them. I could blow out of proportion what they had done, and lament the grief they have caused me. I could justify my “righteous anger”. Could I really?

Yet, there are other people who can do far worse things to me repeatedly, and I would willingly risk myself, hope the best of them and hold out the olive brunch time and again. How do I explain the uneven scale?

Forcing the issue down to its roots, the problem was with me and not them. I had not committed to love them- not in the patient, kind, gentle way, and definitely not in the “keep no record” spirit. I focus on the speck in their eye, despite the plank in my own. And I keep pouring salt into the tiny wound they gave. Did they deserve such harsh treatment? Who was I to throw the stone at them?

Grace is not an easy task, and it can be a stench to an unforgiving heart- I had been there for a long time and I think I am ready to quit. At the end of the day, if I had to decide if Jesus or I or they is more important, there can only be one answer. Being the forgiven is not reason sufficient for me to forgive- for I am not divine! But, Jesus loves me and He wants me to forgive them for Him- and so I will. Since He has forgiven my unrighteous anger towards them, how could I hold on to my sin? Of course, I would not become immediate chummies with those people, but I need to give up my right to restituition. I need to commit to grace. 

Forgiving and letting go is such a costly exercise. It is the pinnacle of others-centeredness. It is saying that you and our relationship are more important than me. It requires one to take everything one’s got to work through the inner demons that threaten to consume one. I am thankful for that One relationship, that will always make forgiving worth it. I am so grateful to the One whom, in order to hold on to Him, I must let others go.

I hope and pray that this is it, for this lesson, at least for a while.

Cookin'

I love cooking, especially on stressful days like this.

I get to focus on nothing else except the ingredients and my cutlery.
All I have to do is to follow instructions, throw things together, and experiment.
Life in its beautiful simplicity.

There is no need to over-think or second-guess what I do.
Even if there’s a little screw-up, I get to fix it immediately.
It is so forgiving!

It clears my head from the things that have been swimming inside all day.
My mind is usually on over-drive all the time, even when I am walking.
But when I am cooking, I get to be an “air-head”, and not think.
Precious rest from the mess.

When I am the only cook in the kitchen, I get to call the shots.
There are not too many cooks to spoil the broth for me.
No need to depend on others, no need to wait on others.
No one to disagree or make things difficult for me.

I get a yummilicious meal in a short period of time.
Creation, is so satisfying. “It is good!”
Sometimes, I even get praises from my hubby.
Sometimes, I get to share it with others.

Cooking is so therapeutic, I love it.
Will I get to cook in heaven?

Thirty-one Today!

Anne Quindlen once said “Life is not so much about beginnings and endings as it is about going on and on and on. It is about muddling through the middle”.

Reviewing my birthday entry last year, I jumped into the thirties with much anticipation. I was happy to take a more secure self along in this journey, looking forward to doing more good to the world. It was a great beginning. One year in, much of it still holds true, but I am in want of perspective and courage to not just “muddle through”.

Beginnings are always exciting- calling for one’s adventurous spirit to take on the uncharted terrain. Endings are always fruitful as one take stock of the road travelled, and hopeful as one looks toward a new beginning. The middle, is not as much fun- especially when you don’t really have a concrete idea of the destination and how long more the journey will be. If Anne Quindlen’s observation is true, how one travels through the drone is of utmost importance.

I am in the middle of my life- well, depending on how many years God gives me. I may have more years in front of me than behind me. I may be closer to the end than I know. But assuming I am in the middle, what have I done with the gifts that He has given to me in the days past? What am I to do with the days left? I fear muddling through. I fear not being good nor faithful. I fear my deafness and disobedience.

We are in the middle of our time in Trinity, and in the midst of our marriage. This next year will be a year of waiting- waiting for Him to make our next step after Trinity clear, and waiting for Him to make us parents. But it will be a pity to miss the “now” while waiting for the next beginning. Henri Nouwen says that “A lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future”. I’ve done that before, and I know how that turned out.. Have I grown better at waiting?

I am in the middle of many of my relationships and friendships. Will I do more in my relational evangelism- to move deeper into the evangelism piece? Will they count for Christ in the end?

So standing at the beginning of by 32nd year, in the middle of life, not knowing when the end will come, my prayer is to have courage and faithfulness in the small and big things- to do His will, to speak His truth, to wait patiently and live intentionally.
As a daughter wanting to please her Father, I want to be growing- moving towards His Kingdom and Christlikeness. I want to be a better helper for Arthur, to love my parents better, to be a better encouragement for my siblings and friends, and to share His love in speech and in action...

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you beause I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well... Where can I go from  your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast" (Ps 139:13-14, 7-10)

Goodbye Village Church of Lincolnshire

I have putting off this entry for a long time. Partly because it’s hard to say good-bye to this family of mine for the last 2 years; and partly because I know this blog will be for me a personal closure to this season. Even though I’ve done it many times, I still don’t like saying good-byes. I’m hoping I don’t ever have to get used to doing it.

The church family in Village Church of Lincolnshire (VCL) is one that I have always dreamed of having. She is such a restful, healing, and loving place. I know that I am forever changed because of my time there.

In honor of VCL’s mandate to “leave her fingerprints” on all who pass through, I’ll share the 7 “fingerprints” that VCL has left on me –

1. To paint with the colors that you have. God gives us what we need to have to honor Him in our situation- be content and creative with what He has given, and not bemoan what you lack. By all means, ask Him! But till He gives, paint with the colors that He has given.

2. It is possible for a church to be a restful and safe place, for God’s people in this messy world. I am not sure what it is that VCL does that makes it so- perhaps it is an outflow of who Pastor Lee is. But coming out of a hectic ministry life in Singapore, where church equals to who can I talk to and encourage today? How can I serve the Body better? What do I have to do next? I am thankful for the rest stop that God has given.

3. Yearning for heaven. As an outflow of her being a restful and safe place, it makes me look forward to the final place of rest that we all will have one day. The place where the lamb can lie with the lion, the place where there are no more tears. Pastor Lee says many times that he desires to make us all Home-sick. He sure has done that for me!

4. God’s shepherds are still at work, and Pastor Lee is one of them! The image of a shepherd is one that drives my “sheep-dog” ministry. I love shepherds who shepherd. Be not mistaken, God gives different gifts to different pastors, and they all serve the church differently. But, I love shepherds the most.
After Chen Mushi (PPC), Pastor Lee is the second person who comes to mind when I think of a shepherding pastor. But he is the first shepherd on earth who knows my name. I will never forget the first time Pastor Lee called my name in the foyer the second Sunday we met. I was moved beyond words. I am truly thankful for shepherding pastor who knows me.

5. Remember names! It is obvious from the account in #4 above why. I never knew the importance of knowing one’s name till then. I will try my best to remember names for ministry in the future. No excuse!

6. Persevering till the end. The many saints with white hair and walking sticks are living encouragements. Just looking at them, I wonder about the walk that they had with Jesus, I wonder about the battles they have fought, I wonder what they have given up to be holding on to their faith to the end, I wonder if I will be the same. My heart fills up when I see them on the pews- their presence speaks for them and their faith. I love these old saints. It is an honor to be worshipping alongside them.

7. “Church management”: a loving relationship between the pastoral team and elders board, and leaders who listen. I am impressed by the way VCL navigated through the dialogue whether or not to hire a woman as a pastoral staff in the past few months. It was difficult, and of course there are many differing opinions. But at the end of the day, I think the process was open and honest, the leaders were humble to seek out the congregation’s voice, and the church was courageous to take on the contentious topic. All the Annual Meetings were so God-honoring and encouraging! Very different from the “fiery” ones that I’m used to in Singapore :p The leaders in VCL have provided for me a godly role model of how wise leaders work together.

I did not dare believe such a community existed, but now I do! Thank you VCL for the fingerprints that you have left on me. I hope that we'll get to be together again some day, but till then I will always hold you in my heart fondly wherever I go and serve next. Praise be to God!

Moomoo Got Married!

My baby sister got married on 11 August 2012. I was not able to leave a trail earlier on this space, but how can I miss this important day?

Here’s to the precious couple once more… You’ve heard it once, you can hear it again, PLUS now I get to go longer than I actually did.. :)

We’ve all waited for this day for so long, and we are so happy for you. Both of you are so precious to us, especially to me.

Xun, God has been most generous to you. You took me for Bible Study, and God rewarded you with my “baby sister”.
You are already been part of the family life, even before this day. Thank you for how you tirelessly serve my family (which has now become yours), and me through all these years. It is my joy that you are my brother-in-Christ, and brother-in-law. :)
I know that my “girl-girl” is in good hands. She is the sister I love the most, and my best female friend ever. And as you have found out, she is like her favorite fruit. Min is like a durian- thorny and prickly on the outside, but so sweet and substantial on the inside. She has a tough exterior and a very tender interior. Handle her with care- otherwise you will get hurt too. Her sweet nature and tender heart is not seen by many immediately, but she showers you with all of that. So enjoy her, love her, cherish her and praise her. Be the servant-leader that Christ is, to her.

Min, God has been most generous to me, when He gave you to be my sister. I love growing up with you.
Thank you for all that you have given to allow us to be away, especially in serving Dad and Mum. It has not been easy but you bore it all like no one else could. And I know that this is with the help of the man beside you.
Since I described Min as a durian, it is only fair that I describe Xun as a fruit. I am not sure how much he likes peaches, but this is the best I can come up with. So bright and juicy, always the life of the party. Deep inside is a very solid core- good heart, great values but also rock-hard stubborn. Handle him with care, otherwise you will get a mess. He carries the laughter around him, but he is both very delicate and a tough nut to crack. But he has opened up himself to you like no one else. So be tender towards him, love him, treasure him and encourage him. Be the empowering helper that Christ intends for you to be.

If there were two people who were ready to be married when they started dating, it would be both of you. God has blessed the broken road that you travelled. Coming into the relationship with what you’ve experienced in the past, you know what it’s like to be committed to another. And in many ways, you were “married to each other” more than 5 years ago- psychologically, emotionally and even your daily activities and rhythm. This may take some of the sparks (both good and bad) off the initial stages of your new status of being legally married, and spiritually united. But do not be mistaken, both of you have a new status. Even though tomorrow might not have seemed too different from yesterday, both of you are going into tomorrow as a different person- “one flesh” with each other.

Do not tire of trying something new for each other and for the marriage. Things can never been too long to change. Keep working to get rid of bad habits in the way you treat each other. Remember, nothing can be too tacky or drama or complicated or fussy if it can put a smile on the other person’s face.

Know also that you are not on this journey alone. For the Christian, marriage is not about two people or two families. It is about the community too. Let others into your marriage- let God’s wisdom speak into your lives through those whom He has placed in your lives. Let them support you. There are ways that you cannot be there for each other, simply because God made the male and the female differently. Have enough humility to seek others to support you, and have enough humility to allow others to support your partner. Your marriage will be fuller because of the body of Christ.

Let your marriage be a living example to the others- of how your love each other, how you serve each other- through good days and bad, through hugs and fights, through smiles and tears. Let them see the union between Christ and the Church through you.

Both of you are now beginning a new season in your life- joining another family, and starting one on your own. God will give you what you need to play these different roles, and He will also shape you through them. Continue to be centered on Him. We love you with all our hearts, and we are filled with joy that you have started on this journey that we love and have so much fun on.

Happy Anniversary!

Finding you near me every morning- makes me want to wake up to another day with you,
Overcoming difficulties and differences together- makes the roses on the journey all the sweeter,
Understanding you more and more- makes me excited about what I'll discover tomorrow,
Resting in the love He's given to us- makes any uncertainty an adventure together.

Happy 4th Anniversary my darling!
Thank you for all that you are, and all that you do!
I evol uoy ;)

Remembering Hawaii..

A little late, but better late than never :) Leaving footprints of our travels..

Aloha! The islands beckon.
Turquois water and sparkling sand bask in the sun.
Palm trees dance to the movement of the breeze.
Oh Hawaii, you’re such a beauty.

Tranquility, is a gift once lost.
When the missiles came and ravaged your shores.
The light of the Pearl was dimmed
Hope was lost, for a little while it seemed.

Pele, goddess of fire and volcanoes.
Her fury brings forth destruction,
But leaves soils for prosperity.
The islands grow under her watch.

Mahalo, Hawaii for the memories.
There were lessons learnt,
And novelty explored.
We hope to be in your arms again someday.

A good opinion lost

It’s been such a difficult weekend. I have not felt this angry and hurt for so long. And it is surprising in so many ways, because I thought I should have gotten used to the idea of and hurt inflicted by unfaithfulness by now. But yet the rage and sadness caught me by surprised. Perhaps trying to come to terms with the idea of adultery is after all different from coming face to face with them in person.

I must first admit that my response to the complex situation has become personal, and I might have fed my reaction to a state of disproportion. But I am truly at a loss with regards to how I am to handle the sinner when I despise the sin so much. I am at a loss for grace, and desperately need some perspective in dealing with my cold cold heart.

I am aware of the plank in my eye. I am an adulterer- to my Heavenly Husband and earthly husband is so many ways when I fail to first desire them. Temptations fleet across my mind, and I need to throw myself so hard at the mercy of Christ for strength to fight them.
So I am in no position to judge the speck of adulterous dust in my brother’s eye, especially since there are so many reasons why things are the way they are today. Yet I find myself overcome with fury and distaste- so much that it hurts.

Calculated adultery is far worse than homosexuality and addiction. He is not a helpless victim to his dysfunctional state of mind. And she is not a slave to her emotions. Yet, they insistently hold hands and slide happily into the deep dark pit. Forgetting the vows of the past, and ignoring the perils that lie ahead. Sure, they may be pushed down there, but should they enjoy the ride so much?
Calculated adultery spurns on love, spits on marriage, tramples on trust, mocks loyalty and betrays another heart. It is hurtful- it cuts deeper than physical bruises, its wounds last longer than verbal abuse. Some may never recover, but for the miraculous work of God.

In all fairness, things might not be that bad. They might sincerely be planning for things to change in the future. And he has taken the first step to become accountable for his thoughts. Where is the big hearted Christian who ought to provide safety for those who want to get help? I thought she could be there, but clearly she is still not ready.

I know I forgive not because of the person, but because of what Christ has done. I know I love not based on the person’s virtues, but because one is made by God. And I know full well that I am no better than my neighbor!
Can I forgive and love, and still want nothing to do with the person? I can put it all onto Jesus’ check, and pay out the objective Christian love due. But I cannot like them. Spending time around people I dislike drains me badly. Being unable to maintain my integrity, and be honest about how I feel towards them tires me out. But of course, if I have to.. I will be nice- sweet as candy. Will this kind of forgiveness work?

God is so big, to give second chances. I honestly do not know how He does that. Perhaps the good thing out of this recent emotional drama, is to realize how disgusting adultery and unfaithfulness is. And to appreciate an ounce, what God has to overcome to forgive us- only taking it out on His Son would satisfy.
What does a second chance look like? Can I wish them well and send them along their way down the path of “may we never meet again”? There are people in my life whom (I think) I have forgiven, but have no desire to see or associate with for the rest of my life. There were 4 on that list, and now it’s 6. They may be perfectly nice people, and virtuous in many aspect; but I would be very fine if I did not have to spend another minute with them.

Can I do Marriage and Family therapy given my adverse reaction to adultery? It is such a common source of marital problem! I thought I could, having reconciled (internally) with a few of such people in my short history. Perhaps I still can, as long as they are not personal contacts- otherwise, the relationship is too complex to be objective.
In any case, they are ultimately answerable to God and their loved ones for their actions. I do not deserve nor demand their accounting.

“My good opinion once lost is lost forever” Mr Darcy said. He overcame that, could I?

Hot Potatoes (II) - Female Pastor

Things used to be a lot clearer it seems. As I think about the issue of a female pastor who teaches and preaches, I am in want to understand better the theology behind so many facets of the church life! I probably should read “Four Views of Women in Ministry” first, study the relevant Bible passages and write a paper on it to consolidate my thoughts. But here I am, thinking out loud once again.

Recounting the background of my journey thus far on this issue would be a good place to start.

PPC (my home church) had 3 female pastors on staff when I first attended. Two of them (Pastor Lau and Lijuan) are very faithful and skilled teachers of the Word, and wise counselors; while one of them is in charge of the choir. For the record, PPC has female elders too.
As a young Christian, I did not give a second thought about their presence on the pastoral staff- and neither was I aware of the controversy behind it all. But what is certain is that I had not once thought to myself that “I was being taught by a woman”. All I heard was the faithful teaching of God’s Word from the pulpit or the wise counsel from my beloved sisters. They were but vessels, and the Holy Spirit was the real teacher.

Then I started to grow deeper into the Word during my college days through Project Timothy conferences, one-on-one Bible studies with Chew Chern and Friday night services at ARPC. They opened my eyes to what the Bible says in 1Tim 2:12, and I was really convicted about women not having authority over men in church. “Oh dear! My church is sinning against God!”
Being a cell group leader then, I was convicted that I should not be teaching God’s Word to the other brothers or be seen as their “leader” either. So I tried to step down as the leader, and passed on the baton to a younger brother and arranged for the brothers to take turn leading the Bible Study. For some of them, their hearts and gifts were elsewhere, and it was evident from the teaching. And then I offered to prepare the Bible Study for them so that they could deliver it. (Who would be seen as the teacher be in this case? The one who prepared or the one who delivered?)
I then tried to speak to Lai Kein about it during a casual conversation. She challenged me to look into the passage more, and consider the cultural effects of it. Aha! I knew that was the easy way out, and was prepared with the answer I was taught “but Paul uses Adam and Eve as his justification. This has to do with God’s creational design, and not just culture!” That feeble attempt to interact with my church leaders on this led to nowhere. I was so disturbed that I contemplated leaving the church. I went church hunting, and was really close to leaving. But God never gave me the green light by knitting my heart so close to this community. So I stayed.

The female pastoral issue being a non-issue in church, and being convicted of playing my part in God’s household, I started serving and teaching actively again. I morphed my Bible Study style to be more discussion-based so that the people were led to find the truth themselves, and I was not directly “teaching” them. I tried to defer to male authority or decisions where possible (even decisions on lunch locations!), so that I was not “exercising authority” over them. I am pretty sure they never saw or felt it that way!

I lamented the absence of male commitment to God’s church- that they were too distracted by the things of the world. And I kept trying to encourage male leadership as much as possible. I tried persuading them to serve. When that failed, I tried to walk away and leave things in shambles for a while, to show them that they were needed. That did not work very well either. But over time, God changed my heart.
He gave me a heart and passion for this flock, and the gifts to serve them. Why do I keep walking away from it, and trying to push others into a position that they have no desire for? And He asked me if I ever thought myself of higher, better and more able than my brothers? Did I ever think about using my position as a leader to exercise authority over them? My answer was a clear no. At least never overtly. But whether I have whined and pleaded and played the female card to “make them comply?” Guilty as charged. :p
While I had to (and have to still... esp towards Arthur at least :p) repent of the latter, I felt free now to serve. I am a servant-leader, I serve them first, and the Holy Spirit will lead them closer to God by His grace. I am but a sheep-dog, pointing them to our Chief Shepherd. I love my brothers (and sisters), and desire for them to walk closer to God- and I will play whatever role I can to encourage that!

And then Pastor Lau became the senior pastor of PPC when Pastor Chen retired. Oh my! That’s another wrinkle thrown into the whole female-pastor thing. Till then, I could still reason that a male pastor was the head of PPC, so all the pastors fell under that “male cover”. It forced me to think even harder what my stance was.
“Ok, the elders board was predominantly male. As a Presbyterian, they were the “real ones in charge”. That could work. But.. Hmm.. no, that will not really cut it. Pastor Lau was still the more visible spiritual leader.
But when I looked at the other pastors, there was no question that she was the most suitable candidate to take over that role. There was a little too much male ego in the other pastors, and they were not ready. If it is true that one would rather be ruled by a wise Turk than a foolish Christian, then I would rather be led by a wise female than a foolish male!

So Pastor Lau took up the mantle to serve in that capacity (knowing clearly that it’s not her strongest gift), and she did in a most beautiful and God-glorifying manner. Being the senior pastor of 4 church locations was no easy feat. She had the full support and respect of the elders, but she never once portrayed as if she was exercising authority over them or anyone. Instead, I saw a humble servant who led by her model, example and life. Five years later, the church in a more stable and stronger place, and she was convicted to step down to serve in the areas where God has gifted her more strongly to do so. Her humility and obedience shone through. She was but God’s servant, and want no more than to do His will. She is no power monger!

Here I am, with so many female models in my life who showed how to lead and teach, without being an overt disrespectful female who exercised authority over men. In fact, their examples have led me to be even more willing to be submissive and step aside for male leadership. It has made me most annoyed with the “Alpha females” in the States who kept having to “prove that they can do it!”. They want to teach, they want to lead… I was bewildered and annoyed at my own sex! But that I learnt is the outcome of the oppression and negative voices they have faced all these years.- this is a separate story.

If a woman wants to teach and lead to exercise authority over man, I think that’s a problem. If a man is too proud to learn from a woman, I think that’s a problem. We are called to mutually submit to one another. It is the heart, attitude and intention that matters. And God works through whoever He wants to teach His Church.

I do have the preference for male leadership- I will admit. It is good and beautiful for God’s household to reflect His creational design. BUT should that deprive from women teaching and encouraging altogether? NO! God did not made us to be dumb vessels, but helpers! And we are most equipped to help the church- God has given us wisdom and talents, to speak to one another in psalms and encourage each other, and sometimes to teach.
For the man to tell the woman to “be silent!” or for the woman who wants to talk loudly over the man, both have to repent before God.

I must admit something must be lacking in my theology. I do not understand how some churches can allow women to teach in Sunday school, or small groups or do counseling; and not during the service. If “no teaching by women” is allowed, then it should be true for all platforms! Is the pulpit more sacred than the other sessions? God is in them all, and is glorified through them all! How does the authority level differ- other than the number of people that attends?

As Arthur said, the woman’s (anyone’s in fact) teaching would be most scrutinized on Sunday morning! So it is less likely for her to teach false or weak doctrine. She is most clearly under the “authority” of God and His Word, the Church, the elders at that time! But in the casual conversation where she is counseling another- a man or woman, who is there to check what she is saying? Who sees her “authority cover” other than that the other person?
I always see the Holy Spirit as the true Teacher behind the vessel, and so the form that the vessel takes does not matter as long as he/she is faithful and sits under the authority of the Word?
And if Christ is the Head of the Church, we all are following Him and not the pastor in church. Does the form of the pastor- male/ female matter? He/she ought not to lead if he/she is not walking with God, and not because of the gender!

Sorry to be rambling for so long. The above is a sharing more from my experience and opinion, more than from God’s Word. But I believe that He works in them all, and He is still teaching and shaping me. I still stand to be corrected.
I’ve gotta ask Paul when I see him in heaven in the future- what exactly did he mean in his letter to Timothy? Was he addressing a specific situation in the church then, or not? He sure left the church in confusion- though I am sure that his epistle had helped many as well.

Hot Potato (I) - Homosexuality

There are two hot potatoes that have been jumping around recently. So here I am to “think-out-loud” on them. This is not a scholastic attempt, nor a defense on my position (hmm.. not sure if there is a solid one). Rather I have taken the liberty that this space affords, to process my views on the matter.
Before I begin, I must recognize that my stance has evolved over the years- I am sure that they will continue to change as God works in me. And as I talk with others about them, I realize that there is so much that I do not know or much that I have not considered. So I pray that you will hear me out with an open heart, converse with me as you are willing, and sharpen me!

This first hot potato relates to President Obama’s “endorsement” of gay marriages recently.

Do I think homosexuality is wrong? Yes! The sin is clear as daylight in the Bible.
Am I shocked that President Obama “supports” homosexuality? Sad, but not at all. With the direction that morality in this world is heading, is it so surprising that we have come to this?
Should President Obama be burnt for making that statement? I am not sure… Actually, I don’t think so.

I am not him, so I am not entirely aware of what made him declare his “support”- is it motivated by politics (as he gains some voters, he would also lose some)? Or in attempt to curb oppression on that population (as he so said)? Or perhaps a bit of both?

The GLBT population and their supporters had been so loud in the recent decades, I had honestly been annoyed at them- be it repealing Article 377A in Singapore, Glee, Brad and Angelina not getting married till homosexuals can as well… I could not understand why they had to “fight for their rights” incessantly. Their protests for acceptance flaunt their sin- they ought to be judged twice over!
The church can hate the sin, but still demonstrate Christ’s love to the sinner. Hopefully, they can be won over by the Gospel and repent. If they are unable to change their orientation, they can at least try to exercise self-control and not actively practice sexual behavior. BUT the sinner must be in a position of humility, silent and definitely NOT assertive! Their loud demonstrations left me no sympathy for them.

What I had completely been blindsided by, is the oppression that this population faced. If I had not taken my multicultural class this semester, and be challenged by the injustice that had been afflicted on this group and my own discriminatory attitudes, I might have had no qualms to “cast the stone” at President Obama.

The GLBT populace faces rejection by family and friends, the refusal of medical care and treatment, public assault, etc. GLBT couples were denied hospital visitations to their partner because the hospital would not recognize their relationship. The professional standards are trying to not discriminate- like by telling counselors that they cannot refer clients out simply due to their sexual orientation. But students are clearly struggling with wanting to help or counsel them.
How could they not feel the attack on their worth and rights as a person? Are they wrong to desire the “normal” rights as any other person- medical treatment and professional help? By desiring for their silence, am I not invalidating the oppression that they have felt for so long as a minority? And why should their sin be judged more severely by the general public or suffer worse consequences than say- the adulterer?

I desire for the sinners to come out of the closet, as a first step towards Christ’s light. But is the environment truly safe enough? If I see injustice being directed at them, will I stand up for their rights? What can I do?

No doubt that marriage is first of all a spiritual institution- given by God to a man and woman. So to that extent, the church should not and cannot endorse, support or solemnize a gay marriage. How that plays out is a separate topic altogether (will the church turn away a gay couple who wants to attend pre-marital counseling?).
But marriage in today’s cultural context is also a social, cultural and legal phenomenon, and the society has given certain rights only to married people. Are marriages that are not sealed by a vow before God sacred? Should they hold the same significance as that of a marriage among Christians? Is there a distinction between a marriage endorsed by the church vs. one that is endorsed by the state? I think there is!

The US Constitution promotes the separation of the church and the state, and a role of the government is to protect the rights of the minority so they do not suffer under the hands of the majority. If “the only” way to alleviate certain discriminatory actions against homosexuals is to recognize their relationship socially by giving them certain legal rights, should this last resort be damned?

Some argue that President Obama is setting a bad example as a leader, and his actions seem to promote sin. But I am not persuaded that President Obama’s support has done anything dramatic to change the GLBT scene. They have always been there- they might have hid in the closets, but they are there! Will there be more GLBT couples as a result? Perhaps, more might feel free to come out but not in actuality.

I am not saying that the end justify the means. And it is easy to bemoan and judge President Obama’s action as a trade of his faith in return for political chips. But, I’m really not sure I have a right to point the finger. For a man who is trying to do right by a marginalized group, his efforts and intentions ought to weigh something before burning him on a stake. How shall the Christian react to the oppression placed on the sinner? How can we stand up for/ do something about injustice whilst not condoning the sin? Does anyone have a better idea or louder voice than the President?

Finishing Well

For all my prayers for all the students to “finish well and strong this semester”, I did not hold up my end of the equation. The semester is over, but my terrible attitude still haunts me.

Sure, I was tired. After writing 14 pages, I was about done with my paper. I edited the paper once through, and could bear to read it no more. So I turned it in with a bunch of embarrassing mistakes- 5 days ahead of the deadline. Even the professor came back with “your proof-reading was not as good as the first time”. OUCH.
Why could I not have waited and re-read it 3 days later, and I am sure I could have spotted and fixed the errors?!

Sure, I was ready to be done. I want to get over the test, that’s all that mattered. So I could not be bothered to read through my notes once more, nor go over my answers again before submitting the answers. And there! With 35 minutes on the clock, I submitted the test. 9 mistakes out of 60. I’m not sure if I would have answered any of them differently, I might have.
But what eats me is that- I could have put in more effort: review the notes one more time, review all my answers once through- why didn’t I?!

It makes it all the harder, when I loved the classes, and to not put in that last ounce of effort to finish well? ARGH!!!
It’s not so much the grades that agonize me.
It’s knowing that I could have done better, and did not.
It’s knowing that my impatience caused me to fail to honor the class, the professor and God (!!) the way they deserved.
It’s regret that is teaching me this painful lesson now.

The fruit is for God to give, but as long as I have done my duty to plant and water, I have no regrets.
God taught me half of the equation last time around- to leave the results to Him and not personalize every success or failure.
I guess it’s time to learn the second half of the equation- to be faithful in whatever I do, no matter the circumstance. Planting, watering or sowing- do it all for His glory. Gotta have perspective and patience!

Nevertheless, thank You Lord for all that You’ve taught me this semester, thank You for this break, and thank You for the semester to come.

Till then, Summer holidays, here I come!

A little reminder...

1. It is possible to pastor a huge church and not love God.
2. It is possible to design and preside over perfectly conceived and executed worship services and not love God.
3. It is possible to preach insightful, biblical, Christ-exalting sermons and not love God
4. It is even possible to write books that deepen others' love for God and not love God.
---Kent Hughes

And indeed,
It is possible to go to church and not love God.
It is possible to engage in the worship service and not love God.
It is possible to listen to the sermon and not love God.
It is even possible to read books about deepening my love for God
and not love God.

How am I loving God today?
Have I thought of Him of late?
Do I just know His Book?
Or how loving Him looks?
Is my heart knitted with His?
And my mind in His restful bliss?
Whether I sit or eat or talk or pray,
May I not forget to love Him every step of the way.

The name of the game

I don’t like competition. This is why I cannot play competitive sports, and competitive people do not like to play with me either.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the feeling of winning- who doesn’t? But surely, there can be win-win situations? And surely surely, winning does not always have to be at the expense of others. And surely surely surely, winning has to be done fair and square right?

This is why I was having a hard day in the office this afternoon, it’s not the first this has happened, but my frustration has reached its threshold.

So the company has been poaching staff from other competitors- sure no problem, I’m sure they came here voluntarily as well. But that’s ok, selling is selling. May the salesman with be best skills win.
But then, to have propriety information from competitors, circulating them- using that as a benchmark to copy- that’s just not cool. And knowing that the source of the info is from a friend, makes it even harder. I cannot say I’m surprised, I expected it from them and I expected it from him, which is why I did not want to bring anything over. I don’t want to have to give them that info or lie that “I don’t have it”.
Worst of all, I’m being asked constantly “how TR does this?” I’m reluctant to answer directly, but I can’t not answer as well.

I guess it’s normal to “play dirty” to get ahead. And perhaps, some might argue that it’s not playing dirty. Market rule dictates. They pay for the talent. And some of these things are public knowledge to some extent, or given by a prospective client they're trying to steal. But it just feels dirty. Having the info is not wrong or bad, but how one gets it matter! Use it only if you can find it on the web!

But I know my problem is that they are “stealing from TR”. I have no sympathies about the people they got from other firms like BB or CapIQ. My heart is still really there, and I want to go back and tell them to get their act together!!
And that’s why I’m going to follow up heart this time. I hope it works out. Even if I’m “sealing my career”, getting into a big fat mess, or risking get laid off, so be it. It will be in God’s hands. How often does one find something that one truly cares about, and be willing to roll in the deep for it? And of course it doesn’t hurt that I’ll be able to be home more, and get more freedom. Yay!

One big lesson for me: I don’t like competition, especially dirty competition. And I am too “loyal” or “sentimental”, to betray my roots or where I come from. If I ever change my job or company again, I can’t do something too similar- otherwise there will always be these ethically hazy grounds I’ll be thrust into again.

And so indeed, the decision has been made. Sharing this here, makes it more settled for me. Now it’s fingers crossed, and I hope things go through!

Good bye Ah-Ma

Good bye, grandma. I’ll miss you. You are such a remarkable mother. You rode the junk boat from China to Singapore to look for grandpa all by yourself. You lived through World War II. You raised all 9 children by yourself after grandpa died, you never remarried. You ran a bicycle shop, paid off grandpa’s debts, and sent all of your children through college, single-handedly. You raised them well- to be men and women of good values, and you were a great mother-in-law. You are so dear to them.

Good bye grandma, I’ll miss you. You are a wonderful grandmother.
You shielded me from mummy’s strokes of cane, you took me to go marketing. You cooked so many delicious meals, and left us wonderful recipes. You showed strength through your recovery from your accident, and you wanted so much to be independent. You held on for so long, even through the last few years. You were a wonderful grandmother. You are so dear to me.

I wish I remember more of the things we did together, I wish we were living together in the last days of your life. I asked you more questions about your stories and sat by you and listened more. I wish life had be easier on you, I wish the motorcycle did not knock you down. I wish you did not have to be confined to a room, and then a bed. I wish death had been easier for you. I’ll miss you Ah-ma.

Now my hope is in God, that in those last days when no one could reach you, He reached down deep inside and saved you. That He who would never judge unjustly, would be merciful to us all. I hope to see you again someday, and I hope we’ll be together again.

Sorry that I am not there to remember you with the rest of the family, but you will always be in my heart. I love you Ah-ma. I miss you.

Good Friday

Why is this night different from all the other nights?
Why is this day different from all the other days?

It was the night that You saved Your people from slavery
It was the day You marched them into freedom and towards Your Promised Land.
It was the night when blood was shed to escape death
It was the day Your promises to the patriarchs were fulfilled.

It was the night that You were betrayed by those You love
It was the day You were crucified and forsaken.
It was the night Your obedience to the Father’s will brought You sorrow
It was the day Your death brought us life.

It was the night we were saved from our slavery to sin
It was the day we had a chance at true freedom and Your new creation
It was the night we catch a glimpse of what obedience to the Father meant
It was the day our Lord was nailed to a cross.

This is the night we remember who You are to us
This is the day we remember what You have done for us
This is the night that reminds us of the night within us
This is the day that reminds us of the Light You have put in us.

Are You here yet Lord?
When will You come to visit us again?

Another round in the woods

One’s values are truly tested when faced with a choice. And when feeling humans are up against the corporation, the odds seem doomed.

For many years now, I thought that I’ve figured out the role of work in my life. That it is primarily a means that God has given to provide for my family, and an avenue to glorify Him in my attitudes and relationships with my colleagues. It is a school in which He uses to teach us lessons about contentment, and a way He may surprise us by providing us with unexpected joy in our toil.
If that were true, why was I frustrated by the idea of me and my work “not going anywhere” in TR? Do I have hidden ambition that I am clueless about? I don’t think I have crazy ambitions, but what on earth do I want out of my work?

And I thought I figured out how to make decisions within God’s permissive will. I used to quip, “Take the journey with God, and He will impress upon your heart and lead you to where He wants you to be”. Yet, I feel completely lost in my current predicament still (yes, TR contacted me again). What happens when my head and my heart are in different places? Perhaps I’m really “far from Him” right now, but can He please take over and have His will be done?

The reasons why I want to go back to TR are out of my sentimentality for the people there, and my desire to help out in the difficult situation the project is in right now. It’s going to be frustrating, difficult, a “death sentence” on my career possibly by making yet another lateral move, and a ride in a “sinking ship”. No one who has left ever wants to go back, I’m told. And people whom I like may leave and change, and the company will not have any sentimentality when they put down the axe.
All in all, it really makes no sense for me to return- perhaps the draw of working with people whom I admire and like, the slightly higher salary, more flexibility, working from home fully, be challenged and business trips to places I like. Isn’t this all worth it?

The reasons I should stay in M* is that it will be better for my career, the work is easier, the company is in a better place, I could get to try my hands at management to see if it’s a good fit, I’m in the middle of projects- I’ll let another team down by leaving them halfway, and I cannot think of any push factors. But I’m resisting opening my heart to the company and people here. I am not miserable, and I do like some of the people here. I guess I could survive and try to enjoy myself, but I’ll always be thinking of the people I left behind.

Pray tell now, what shall I do? I made a decision with my head once previously, and now another opportunity is presenting itself. Why? Should I try going with my heart this time? Or am I just being silly?

One lesson I have learnt for sure- empathy when people are struggling with decision-making. It can be so hard, so distracting.

Want to know God's will for your life?
"Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God" (Kevin DeYoung)

“ The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. ”
— John Milton

Lessons from walking in the dark

It’s been quite a long couple of weeks. A long winding journey in the woods, with me feeling lost and distracted as I “take steps in the dark”. And I’m still trying to process the lessons He would have my heart and mind learn through this.

For those who do not know, I’ve had yet another episode of work saga in the last month. I’ve struggled with my loss of flexibility in my new company (M*) for a long time, and with the work nature and environment very different from what I expected, I thought of going back to my old company (TR). Just when I decided to put that option to rest, my ex-manager called me up and asked if I would consider going back. I figured it will not hurt to hear what she has to offer. I thought God was giving me a second chance when I learnt to be content where i was.
My heart very much wanted to go back to TR, but my head knows that M* would be a better place. I’m thankful for the many wise voices in my life. I almost took the offer to return, but in the end, I decided to stay in M* as they agreed to give me some flexibility.

It was a very distracting process, and all I could think of during that whole month when I had some down time was the choice. Arthur and I spent many hours talking the issue to the ground. Until the end, we were both exhausted. Especially myself, I was so lost. I found myself incapable of bringing that issue to God, without going down the rabbit trail. All I thought of was myself. I knew I should, and I wanted to, find God, hear from Him, take the journey with Him; but I could not. I kept walking, groping in the dark, hitting walls.

As a result of being lost, I could not see the picture clearly. I knew I was like an Israelite wanting to go back to Egypt. But then I also rationalized that I could be the prodigal daughter, who should not be afraid to return, if my first choice was wrong. Yet, I could never forget the firm conviction of going to M* then. So what was I to do? Maybe there is no right or wrong choice here, but how should I choose? Which spiritual picture was my true reality? I tried using coin tossing to determine God’s choice, and tried reading His signs in the stars. They all pointed to what my heart wanted.

Despite the strong urgings of my heart, I could not shake off what my head was telling me. In the last moment, I decided to go with my head. I am not proud of the choice, struggled with whether i was disobeying God, but knew my only choice at this point is to trust Him and move forward.

I wish I could say this have been a spiritual journey, but I think I failed badly at this test. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient. 2 lessons I hope to learn from this -
1. If there is no clear conviction to move, stay where you are right now. His call to leave will come very clearly. There may be uncertainty or doubt, but getting self-absorbed about it, is not a place where He wants us to be.
2. He leads BOTH in our hearts and mind. If your heart is cluttered, and because the heart can be so deceitful, trust that He has given us mental faculties to do rational decision-making. Take courage and follow your head, as long as their motivations before Him are pure. He will align our hearts in time. Our brains are a gift from Him too you know!

Sitting here now, I know that God is gracious in this process. In the end, I got the flexibility I needed, with the M* management getting to know what is important to me and my “problems” in the coming months; in a much better working environment. But I came in this close, to going back to TR. Perhaps, going back would have worked out well too, coz He always works things out.
I am not overwhelmed by His gracious guidance at this point yet, but I know it will all become clear further down the road. For now, I am at rest and content with the silent peace He has come to place in my heart.

What can I say

How can i make her see
He means so much to me
That I cannot possibly choose
Between them two

How can i make him see
She is so important to me
That my heart breaks
At her insanity

How can i make her see
She too has some responsibility
For the way he has always been
For things to change in the future unseen

How can I make him see
He has his share of duty
For who she is yesterday till today
For her tomorrow to be grey or gay

How can i make them see
Their cycles have rendered us weary
We border between numbness and pain
Hope seems increasingly faint

How can i make You see
Only You hold out the promise
Please, things can't remain the same
How long more the seeking in Your Name