The first 3 months

It’s the last day of April, and I gotta get something in lest I miss a “month-print” on this space! Thanks to the reminder of my most faithful reader who has this as his home-page. *HUGZ*

Remember watching TV and the actress suddenly cusps her mouth, rushes to the toilet and faces head down into the bowl? The audience knows instantly “ah-ha, she must be pregnant!” What I never figured out, is if anything ever came out. I guess I must have thought that nothing did, because I was caught by surprise the things that could come out of me.

So quickly, so much, tasty some times, grouse some times, bitter some times. I guess my “favorite” is not having had any food, and then let the juices turn my insides upside down. It’s the least grouse in my opinion, at least I don’t have to taste my food twice over. By this time, I’ve gotten used to the routine – as Arthur puts it “my ritual before the toilet bowl”. Things are getting better. There are more good days than bad, but I am not completely out of the woods yet.

Then there’s the pull I feel in my thighs and occasional lower backache. It’s all about the posture, I tell myself. But I never learn until I feel the pain. And the fatigue, racing heart, and short breath; all forcing me to slow down because my body is working full time to help the little one grow. This past weekend, I had to put away so many of my bottoms because I cannot fit into them anymore. Oh too quickly! I miss the shorts I bought last summer!

We had a little scare yesterday when I saw blood in the toilet bowl. The nurse had warned me before that it might happen, and it might not be anything. But still, it did not stop me from feeling fearful for the one inside, or bursting out into tears at my desk. I hoped to God that He did not play a prank on us, for we have just “announced to the world” yesterday; and now to lose the little one at this impeccable timing. Oh God, thanks for being patient with me and my little faith!

Thankfully, Arthur dropped everything, drove all the way into the city to pick me up and go to the doctor’s to have it all confirmed that it was “nothing”. Thank you God for Arthur!

People say “miscarriages are common or normal”, but there is nothing normal or common about the pain and the fear. I don’t know how long I will take, to dare to get pregnant again should I have miscarried. It was reassuring when the nurses said “it is scary, and don’t ever hesitate to call whenever”. As a counselor, I felt empathy, affirmed and safe – that I was not over-reacting or crazy. But it raised another question of how do I “normalize negative experiences” without dismissing what the counselee is feeling?

No, I don’t want to be a whiney pregnant lady; be one of those who only pass down horror stories. I’m penning these down precisely because I don’t really want to be telling them only “bad things” when I talk to people! And I know they will all pass away when we hold the little one in our arms.

Yet, all these experiences are all part of the journey, my journey, our journey. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. I did not know or experienced all these then, but now I do. Sure, every pregnancy is different. But to all the Mums out there, you are amazing! And so is my hubby :)