Les Misérables

It had been a long time since I had been moved by grace. And that night, the musical taught the lesson to my heart again. How shall one live without grace? How harsh and burdensome is the yoke of the law! And how beautiful the life that is redeemed by grace!

Grace was shown to Jean Valjean not in a dramatic “Let me pardon you” way. The benevolent bishop turned the other cheek, and gave the thief his cloak after he had taken his tunic. After the police released Valjean, the bishop never learnt what his gift of freedom had done for his brother. He “bought a soul” with the silver for God!

Javert was a slave of the law. He spent his life seeking to arrest 24601, to uphold the law and put him back in chains behind the prison walls for breaking his parole. When Valjean saved his life and pardon him, Javert realized that he could not give Valjean up to the authorities. Unable cope with the dilemma that he was shown mercy by the one he had been persecuting his whole life, and that his life obsession to bring 24601 to “justice” was undone, Javert drove himself to suicide.
The law had never seemed this tragically heavy and burdensome to me. The one who lives by and under the law was enslaved and bound to a Master who brings death.

The only regret I have of the musical and story, is how so many characters revolved around Cossette and how central she was to the development of the story- but yet her character remains so ill-defined and shallow. Even her love interest Marius surprisingly had more character than her.

The themes in the story are so beautiful, deep, well-explored and skillfully woven through the many story-lines and plots. The music and lyrics are profoundly well written. The experience baptizes one in love and grace, and sends one remembering “to love another person is to see the face of God”.

I love Les Miz!

Icing Queen?

I did not like icing, but after being “corrupted” by my American husband, I’m learning that icing can be really delicious. Well, at least home-made icing- there is still much lazy, yucky icing out there.

So my latest baking attempt produced a chocolate mint icing cocoa-butter cake, and an orange icing butter cake.

The cake base is not worth bragging about- since it’s pretty much following the instructions on the Betty Crocker mix. BUT, what’s worth sharing though is that you can totally make it with ¼ less the required butter, and it still taste fabulous! And I have fallen in love with this soft butter sponge as well- not too buttery, light and fluffy and melts in your mouth.

The icing was where it became fun. Arthur helped make the base with a simple family buttercream recipe. He left me with this big bowl of icing and said, “make it interesting, it’s boring!” So my mind started ticking as my eyes roved around the kitchen. And 1 flavor of icing is no fun- let’s up the game a little!

Ok, there’s some chocolate bars that I want to get rid of, and there’s this peppermint extract that I bought some time back that I have not tried. Chocolate mint icing sounded pretty good in my mind.. So there I was, without a recipe and trying to concoct this icing with my gut-feel proportions. Let’s just say that there was a lot of experimentation, “oops”, and “ok.. let’s add a little bit more of this to fix that”..

Whilst I back-tracked in the school of “measuring”, I thought I did well in the school of “melting chocolate”. It’s so satisfying to see the melted chocolate in the micro-wave looking as it should. :p A smooth silky chocolate ribbon falling from the spoon... Pretty... In the past, I used to get lumpy dry chocolate. I learnt later that it was because the temperature was too high. You cannot get impatient there with melting chocolate. Higher heat does not mean faster melting :p That’s something I learnt after screwing up goodness-knows-how-many bags of chocolate chips, and "getting mad" at the cookbooks.. heh.

By the time the chocolate mint icing was done, I was a little tired. What do I do with the other half of the buttercream icing?

And I remembered seeing this Orange icing on the internet the other day… Idea! But me being the lazy cook, I wasn’t going to go search for the recipe on the internet-since I was not prepared to do what it says anyway.. I saw my Korean KamQuat drink on the shelf and decided to “give it a shot”. So I took spoonfuls of the drink preserves, and stirred it into the buttercream icing. Again, “by feel”, I arrived at a perfect tasting orange icing. It’s really delicious.

At the end of the evening, I really enjoyed the 2 batches of icing and was really pleased at how they turned out. I could totally make icing for a living!! I don’t understand.. When it’s so easy to get creative flavors, why is there still so much bad icing out there??
And who says icing on the cake is not important? It can give 2 plain butter cakes such distinctive taste, and the cake “springs alive”!

Maybe when I get back to Singapore, I can have my little home bakery with specialty-flavored icing on cup-cakes. Hmmm… Idea.. Next career maybe? Icing queen? Hahahaha…

Some thoughts this week..

1. Back to the classroom after 7 years. I was like a kid waiting for the first day of school, excited! Sitting in a classroom with an age range of 25-55 years old- I cannot help but keep wondering what each person’s story is!

2. So my first question about counseling- so we’re not supposed to give our clients advice nor share our experience, how far do we take that principle into our relationships and interactions? Is it really possible to do that with friends and relationships that you have a stake in?

3. PPC is teaching about money, VCL is also teaching about money. It’s one of the key things Arthur and I would really like to work on this year. God is giving us a classroom and life-lab all at the same time! Praise God! I’m sure I have more to say about that in the weeks to come. But today’s lesson- tithing is our response to God’s blessing, and is a strong medicine against greed & selfishness. Discover God through tithing!

4. Somewhat connected to the above, I was kind of thinking through a specific situation. Having been a nomad congregation for years, how can we bear to put other brothers and sisters through the same experience? Of course there is human wisdom about being careful, but how does calculating the risk of property damage weigh on God’s “generosity and grace” scale? How much will “safety” count in God’s books, how will it match against “meeting a brother’s need”? I’m removed from the situation, so am just processing out-loud.. Human wisdom is valid and always convincing, and while I understand the concerns, I must make sure I am clear where I stand on this matter.

Over-reaction?

Being alone in a hotel room means that I have lots of time to channel surf. And what dominates the news cycle this week- is the shooting in Arizona targeted at a Congresswoman, and the snow storm on the East Coast.

I really have had enough of the former. Seriously… America at its best- making such a big deal over this. A country where you allow people to have guns, would you not have expected this? Someone attacking a government official, you call that an attack on democracy? And the President spending 3 days on a speech at the memorial service- commending people who performed first aid and prevent gun overload- who wouldn’t do that instinctively? Commending the left and right for laying aside their political differences in this tragedy? And noting that America’s heart is broken, but not her spirit?

Seriously???!!! *ROLL EYES BIG TIME*

I’m not saying this is not worth air-time, but seriously- when more and worse atrocities committed against mankind everywhere, and you blow this up to such great proportion? I guess the media is just having their field day. What did my President do about the hacking along Singapore River- I’m sure he did something, and I’m sure the media had some extensive coverage, but things aren’t THIS crazy!!!

It’s like bandaging a small paper cut. America, come on!!! Your government is starting to act like a nanny. For a nation that was founded by fighting wars, you have grown so soft! For a nation that became the target of terrorists, is this not just something so small? Surely public service comes with a price, surely you cannot be shocked by senseless violence!

Of course my heart goes out to the innocent- those who became targets because of their service, those who lost their lives in a random event such as this, but I wish you had given some context to the event…

2010-2011

From today, we’re officially over a decade into the new millennium. Not that this adds more significance to the passing of a year, than the event itself ought to warrant. Maybe it’s something about starting a new calendar, the whole world beginning on that same page with you, new plans are made, and hopes of fulfilling dreams gone by are renewed…

I am less a fan of making New Year resolutions than I am of remembering the year gone by- but I’m not very good at either of those. My forgetfulness is the culprit. I have always managed to forget my New Year resolutions by the end of January- so what is the point of making them at all? And I abhor the notion of having to measure myself against certain standards all the time- checking if I have done well so far or not.

But it would certainly be foolishness if I allow my poor memory to fail me, in taking stock of where God has led and is leading me in this journey. Hence this entry- an exercise of discipline to call to mind what I’ve learnt about myself through the experiences in 2010.

1. There is much courage, faith and love the heart needs to stay alive, to stay content, and to stay faithful. After 29 years, I am still learning to stay comfortable in my own skin. I need to call in no less than the love of Jesus to help me love my neighbor, when I feel less than them. To not compare, to truly wish/ want the best for them, to not waver and wonder about another experience. All is enough and good because He has given.

2. I like travelling. Be it the morning train rides, walking around the city, driving along the cornfields- the mind gets a rest from activity, and be by itself. And these pockets of spaces are so precious. It’s when I smell the air, glide on the river, trace the skyline and breathe…

3. My home is where my hubby is. Many have asked me whether I am home-sick, and I shake my head. It does not mean that I do not miss my family and friends in Singapore.. Or that my heart does not ache some times when I wonder how my loved ones are living lives on the other side of the moon… But I feel safe and right at home where he is.

4. I am looking forward to growing old. After a month of winter, I feel like I have had enough of the snow and I am ready for spring. But alas! I have 3 more months of cold to go… And I feel the same about life… After 29 years, I feel like I have seen enough and I am ready for Jesus to come. But unlike the cold winter with nothing to look forward to, I find myself looking forward to growing old in grace and wisdom. So I guess it’s like a good Catch-22. “To live is Christ and to die is Christ”…

5. Renewing my passion for learning and reading is one of the best things that happened to me in 2010. I am glad that books and papers are back in my life.

So here I stand, with 2010 behind me- totally piqued about 2011. And here’s a song He has given me to start the year with…

If I stand

And there’s more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room

And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.

Kitchen Bloopers

I must admit that I had been pretty pleased with my kitchen outings recently.

My first turkey turned out quite pretty- though I need to improve on keeping the inside as moist as Mum’s. But it might be a tough call, because to have that golden brown skin- it means having to broil the bird and this dries up all the juice I had tried painstakingly to keep in over the last 2 hours. Anyhow, I will experiment with my timing next time round. Maybe this will get me watching the clock a little more conscientiously.

But it’s not as if my days of being a screwball in the kitchen is over.

I’m into blending fruits into pulp these days. Thanks to Lynn and her craze with “You are what you eat”- I caught her bug when I visited her in New York. So anyway, I made black bean salad with the juices from 3 big limes the other day. And being a crazy lemon-lime fan, I hated to see the lime pith (the white spongy part) go to waste. So I had a brilliant idea to rip out all the pith, and save them for my fruit juice/pulp that night.

And there I was throwing in all the cucumbers and lime pith into the blender, with a refreshing cucumber concoction in my head. The first sip could not be further away from that! It was ssoooooo bitter, I could not bear to take another sip. But how could the one who cannot bear to throw dry lime pith, let the “pretty” green drink go to waste?

I grumbled and whined with every sip I took. And I drank the small cup through the night. Poor Arthur who did not like cucumber to begin with, and who absolutely would not voluntarily eat bitter gourd, bore the drink like a man. He took it, mouthfuls by mouthfuls, and finished the horrible green stuff before I did!

Lesson #1: Lime pith is bitter. Do not eat it one its own nor blend heaps of it into your drink!

And then I was trying to make Zha Jiang Mian over the weekend. Excited at the prospect of being able to use the blender to blend my onions, and there would be “No-More-Tears”, I chopped them into chunks and threw them into the machine. Sadly, I do not think that the blender was designed for this purpose. Use it to make smoothies yes, juice-pulp blends yes, but not chop onions. So after 30 minutes of unsuccessful attempts at trying to blend my 2 huge onions, I gave up. Instead of nice easy strips to chop, I now had to contend with chunks and chop it twice over. SIGH!

Lesson #2: Do not use your blender to blend onions. Use a food processor!!!
Now someone tell me what the difference between a blender and a food processor is???

10 Things I like about ME...

Ok so I’ve disappeared for a long while… So this is a quick 5 min catch up for those who are interested in what’s going on in my life and in my head… Just to limit myself, I’m gonna do the “10 things I want to tell you”. (i'm not THAT ego-centric laaaaaa...)

1. We now have a small group! Although we’ve attended it only once before the group closed for the year (coz of exams and holiday travel), we’re still thankful that we’ve got a small group now. It’s really small and cozy, and there is a certain dynamic when 3 of them are in MDiv, and 1 of them is doing a PhD in Genesis… Nonetheless, I really missed Bible Study and am more than glad to be digging into the Word again!

2. The small group is doing the book of Proverbs. And the study that night revolved around- the difference between Wisdom and the Law. What is their relationship? What is their difference? Is one better than the other? Should one be desired more than the other? When would one apply wisdom (ie a proverb/principle) and when would one apply the law? I had been circling these questions in my head for the last 2 weeks… Much to say about that- will save that for another time.

3. I think I’m falling in love with Village Church and the “old” brothers and sisters there. The 2 major demographic groups in the church are- people above 60s and Trinity students. And it truly is beautiful when the old can share their wisdom with the young, and the young can share their dreams with the old. We need each other, and to see the lives interacting- such is the beauty of the Body of Christ! I wish PPC can harness this advantage too! Maybe we need to get out of our Asian shells...

4. I’ m done with my GRE and applications, and am just waiting for TEDs to accept me. GRE was ahem.. ok.. My Verbal (English) score is just slightly more than half the score of my Quantitative (Math) score. Man.. it’s time to play vocabulary games and brush up my English- I’ve never felt so bad about my English before ok!!! Where did those weird words come from???

5. Now that I’m done with one admin task, I’m jumping into another. Looking to apply for Green Card. Not to worry, though we do not plan to stay here long term.. Figured that this will give us more options and potentially less hassle in the future. Now this thought must give birth to action.

6. Many colleagues in NY are looking out, 1 key person is leaving end of the year, things do not bode well for those who are around. There are many reasons why I should stay, but the feeling of being “left behind” is not a good one. Haiz. Another round of temptation and restless urges to resist.

7. I had fun during Thanksgiving- it was really nice to share the family with Lynn and Winston. I wish so much to share the Kok family and the family games with so many more of you!!!

8. And now Christmas is coming- absolutely my favorite time of the year. Making lots of new fun memories with Arthur, going to Christmas concerts, the church Christmas dinner, looking forward to spending Christmas with the Kok family.. But playbacks to last year’s Christmas and things I did with family and friends in Singapore made my heart miss my moo moo, family and church a lot… And reviewing pictures don't help..

9. I think I have a 70% love-30% hate relationship with snow. I love to see the flakes flurry gently from the sky, and even heavy snowfalls coming at you in the wind is also romantic in a cold-hearted way. But walking in it is not fun, neither is it pretty when it’s melting and mixing with the dirt and salt on the ground. And worse of all, I had 2 close calls with the car skidding out of control… But it’s still beautiful.

10. Randoms: How does the squirrel keep warm in the cold? It’s so small, is it really warm in its fur?
I'm thinking about cutting my fringe- i've resisted for a long time and i really wanted to keep it long for a while, but now i'm bored... should i cut my fringe?

Ok, i think i cheated and squeezed in more than 10 things up there.. But here’s a nutshell of what's going on in my insignificant existence.. hahhha.. Now update me!!!

Relative time

This is how relative time is… countries just decide to turn their clock forward or backward as they like! And when do they do it? Close their eyes, pick a date off the calendar and poof there we have it! Ok, the last part was an exaggeration.

Last week, my outlook calendar had some head-on clashes. The meetings initiated by Andreas, who was based in his Irish farm, started one hour later than it should. And the clashes were only for a week. It took me a while to figure out the strange phenomenon- since in Singapore, the impact was for a couple of months.

On Sunday morning, we were delighted to find that despite having slept for so long, it was still pretty early! We thought that we were being good by waking up so early- and when it dawned on us that we had indeed slept for that ONE HOUR more. Ah.. no more pat on the back.

When I was chatting with moo moo, she said she had to go to bed. I was like “why are you sleeping so early?” she exclaimed “it’s late!” then I realized, ah! We’re 14 hours apart now, not 13… not good…

This morning, my was I delighted to be walking to the office with some sunlight. For the last few weeks, the sky was still pitch black at 6.20am. My first thought was, “isn’t it nice that the sun is rising earlier!” Then almost immediately, I realized we’re starting a little “late”. And just as I thought I had it all figured out why we would want “Daylight savings”… My train ride home killed my enthusiasm… It was barely 5pm, and it’s getting dark outside. So dark, I could not even see my stop. Man… And Arthur’s comment after didn’t help “the days are just getting shorter and shorter, and 21st December will be the shortest day of the year!”

Since I’m still new to this, and pretty much fascinated by the “turning of time”, I turned to the source of all answers to try to find out more about daylight savings.. Here are some titbits of what I found…
• Daylight Saving Time gives us the opportunity to enjoy sunny summer evenings by moving our clocks an hour forward in the spring.
– ok, so I’m experiencing the removal of daylight savings.., and moving back to “standard time”.
• Yet, the implementation of Daylight Saving Time has been fraught with controversy since Benjamin Franklin conceived of the idea. Even today, regions and countries routinely change their approaches to Daylight Saving Time.
– exactly what I meant! It’s a man’s idea, and countries change their approaches to Daylight savings.. Can we then decide that we want 25 hours in a day?
• Most of the United States begins Daylight Saving Time at 2:00 a.m. on the second Sunday in March and reverts to standard time on the first Sunday in November. In the U.S., each time zone switches at a different time.
– how does anyone decide on the date and time?? Strange… And different timezones switching at a different time? Democracy at an extreme? Why arent the states united?
• In the European Union, Summer Time begins and ends at 1:00 a.m. Universal Time (Greenwich Mean Time). It begins the last Sunday in March and ends the last Sunday in October. In the EU, all time zones change at the same moment.
– at least some consistency…

There are some crazy stories about daylight savings.. you can go check it out too! http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html

I was impressed with the clocks on the phones and laptops that got it right (though I heard there were screwups with Apple.. *shake head*), but we’ve gotta fix the clock on the microwave, stove and watches.. Only one left- my dear little car’s little radio clock.. we still cannot figure out how to set the time right… Now let’s hope we’ll figure out how to fix that, otherwise we’ll have to live with that until the time turns again!

Why Masters in Counseling Ministries

I never thought of studying counseling, ever- until the last 2 years that is. I used to think to myself- basically you just need to know how to talk to people, lots of wisdom from God, and be a vessel of the Holy Spirit. I thought I could handle the first one- I was not tactless. The second criteria- which is why knowing His Word is so important, so studying of His Word is the most important thing ever. I have no control over the third- I can only pray that He would use me, and speak through me.

Retrospectively, I guess God was feeding me the humble pie through these 2 years. Everytime I talked to someone who confided in me, I would go back and tear the conversation apart. Had I given worldly wisdom? Did my efforts to bring God into the picture sound hollow? Could I have given better counsel than my feeble advice? Had I listened well?

Psychoanalyzing this, I guess it does sound very self-centered- that the focus is what I have done. On other occasions, I perhaps might repent of that guilt. But the truth is, the desire to be a better friend, a better steward of the trust and time God & my friend had entrusted to me started to grow stronger and stronger. I desire so much to not give worthless self-help type of advice, and hope that somehow I could better lead them to see where Jesus is in all this so they could go to Him. I wanted to communicate the truth in spirit and in love.

It is in this context that I started thinking about counseling skills. I know that I am not your typical “counselor” type of person- someone gentle in spirit, flowing with wisdom, elegance and stability. I am a little crazy, unstable at times, stutter my way through and open my mouth before I think. And I admit that it would freak me out to be labeled as a “counselor” in any sort of context. These were the things that gave me cold feet.

Reading “Courage & Calling” gave me insight. Part of finding out our calling is to ask the question- how has God made us to see the broken-ness of this world? What causes my heart to cry and beat with God’s? I want to mourn with those who mourn, and laugh with those who laugh. I want to help lift people’s eyes off the circles that we are running each day, to see Him who was and is to come.

When I think about the people whom I would talk to in the future- because I am a woman and cant stop yakking. When Aunt Joanne reminded me that people would also come to me by virtue of being a missionary/ churchworker/ pastor’s wife. When at the end of the day, ministry is about people and relationships- why shall I not be compelled to be better equipped for their sake? Even if I am not your typical counselor or would use nothing from the course- I could not have done any damage for learning more.

And so here I am, set and really excited to start my MA in Counseling Ministries in the Spring at Trinity. I look forward to going back to the classroom, getting my hands dirty, learning and being exposed to a whole new world. And the best thing is that I will not just be learning about psychology and counseling in a secular setting, but there’s lots of theology, Christian worldview, pastoral and ministry issues mixed into it. What else can I ask for?

Being the horrible critic that I am, I do want to acknowledge that theories and skills can well only be head knowledge. So I have no illusions that I would be wiser and more skilled by going through this. The wise heart still comes only from loving, knowing, fearing and seeking Him first. My prayer is that He will mould me through the people I will meet, the books, the practical training, etc. Even thereafter, to display His strength through my weaknesses.

When I recall my secret dream to pursue a further education that is both my heart’s desire and for His Kingdom, and that it’s really happening.. I am truly humbled at how He has brought about this- being patient with me and giving me the necessary nudges to push me along. Please keep me in prayer- and in all things, to Him be the glory!

http://www.tiu.edu/divinity/academics/programs/mdiv-ma/counselingministries

The Wounded Healer

Such a brilliant and introspective book first published in 1979. And I am completely blown away by how relevant the book still is today, 21 years later. Henri Nouwen had stated at the outset, that he is addressing the need of tomorrow’s generation, as he explores ministry in a dislocated world, ministry for a rootless generation, ministry to a hopeless man, and ministry by a lonely minister. And I guess, we are that generation he is addressing.

The book is not a “blow you away”, dripping with theological juices kind of book. Neither is it a “I understand your pain” solidarity affirmation. But it leads its reader on an introspective journey, to be safe in acknowledging that one carries wounds, to look beyond the self and see that the wounds we all carry are not that unique, to learn to see that our neighbor is wounded too, and find strength to be that wounded healer.

Don’t intend this to be a spoiler for anyone who would read that book some day, but here’s an extract in the last chapter that I’d like to share with you the reader….

Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.

But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.

When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge- that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition.

This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.

A very small yes...

17 October 2006, he asked me if he could have a chance to court me. My very small yes then, brought us down a road that led to a bigger yes 2 years later. Who would have thought : )

So here’s a special dedication to the one who likes to start his letters off to me as if we're already in the middle of a conversation… And so I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest of friends as oppose to what we actually were then…. “What will he say today?” I sometimes wonder.
I turn on my computer, I sign on, I wait impatiently as it connects and my chest catches my breath as I watch my inbox and see the little envelope that tells me three little words. 'You've Got Mail' I hear nothing,… just the beat of my own heart. I have mail-- from you.

The magic of ordinary days…

Moomoo commented that I look happier these days… That's when i notice that i am smiling more from the inside, and I'm truly thankful for that- the slightly downside would be my rounder face as she keeps reminding me... Bleah :p But it's ok laaaaa.... :)

And I'm wondering why... Maybe it's because of the more time i get to think and read, maybe Daddy is working His magic inside me, maybe it's just a different pace and a different life I'm having- i love change, or maybe it's simply because of my sugar high from all the chocoates and ice-cream.. *guilty pleasure*

Anyhow, moomoo's comment got me thinking about some things that makes me happy each day… Here’s a glimpse of 5 smiles I’d have inside any given ordinary day.

1. Taking a long warm shower in the morning- that’s all I need to shake off the shivers and sleepiness

2. Journeying from home to office– car ride chats with Arthur, getting busy on the Metra, walking in the Chicago dawn overlooking the river and looking up at the skyscrapers, love the feeling of the cool morning air in my face as I brisk walk to my destination

3. Greeting the squirrels and trees, basically I name them all the same- “Hello Squirrel! Hello tree!” Maybe in heaven, they will finally be able to converse with me.

4. Thinking about dinner in the middle of the day, sometimes because I’m hungry, sometimes because I’m experimenting with something different, whatever the reason it’s always nice to await a nice meal

5. Laying in bed, with my head on the soft pillow, thankful that the day is over, wondering when I will fall into a deep deep sleep, and then without knowing… be off to dreamland

Not a baby kind of girl…

I’m really not your baby kind of girl. I look at all the people around me, and I must admit that I feel like a baby-hating b**** beside them…

Well, of course I don’t actually hate babies or kids- I find them charming for the first “oh… he/she is sooo cute!”, after which I’m just ready to “ok.. let’s get down to what I need to do with you”. I can keep them company, babysit them, play with them, teach them Sunday school, carry them, sing to them, rock them to sleep- and completely enjoying the process.. but cross my heart, I’m not THAT absorbed about them.

I think about my sister with her non-stop talking about Joy-joy and Isaac, or Xun’s obsession with Miguel. Everyone in the family who adores baby Katie, keeping up with her photos and videos, etc. I must admit I’m not like that. Squealing “Isn’t she cute!!”, “He’s my boy” just aint my cup of tea. And beside all these people who fawns over the young ones, I am starting to wonder if I’m cut out to be a mother.

A part of me thinks that I’m gonna rebel against all that attention given to kids such that- when I have one of my own, don’t expect me to video them or post constant updates about them. I’m prob gonna be writing about my own insanity. That kid is not gonna be the center of my existence, thank you very much.

What shall I do? And to be completely honest, neither Arthur and I are crazy about having children at this point. And the prospect of watching them grow up and go through all the crazy things this world throws at them, sends butterflies into my stomach. And think about all the things we have to give up for them- am I ready to do that? Adoption is a possibility, but the paperwork and cost is so prohibitive… Gosh I have less love than Angelina Jolie!!! I’m starting to sound like a selfish child hater now, don’t i?

Maybe we don’t have the gift of having children? There are heaps of cute Eurasian babies around, a few less on the surface of the earth won’t hurt? Man… In His time, in His time.

6 October 2010, my birthday

How did I spend my birthday?

I was asked many times today how I spent my birthday or am planning to spend my birthday. And I also had a hard time trying to remember how I spent my birthday last year! So here I am penning special memories of today so that I wont forget next year!
If you’re reading this, beware that this is pretty much a boring “what did I do”-diary type of entry..

So I woke up to a nice gift and card from Arthur. But his biggest gift to me this year making a cake with me after dinner- that I would count as my most precious memory this year. It’s there in the photos, my butter sponge with cinnamon apple and chocoloate topping cake. It was pretty yum!! The sweet soft butter sponge- thanks to Arthur’s beating (we made it without an electric mixer!), tart granny smith and chocolate went very well together indeed. Hmm.. another of my kooky creations :p

And of course, I hadn’t planned on doing anything very special. So it was work as usual. Sorry to disappoint those who were hoping I’ll have a ‘smashing’, ‘special’, ‘fun’ birthday. Heh.. But working from home has its advantages.. I got to skype with Gayle! Though she hadn’t installed her webcam.. So I didn’t let her see me either hahaha…

As I was reminded, it’s my first bday in the States :p And I know mum stayed partially coz of it- and she splurged on a not very prudent gift for me. *guilty* Oh and of course, my moo moo was the first to wish me on the phone- and she woke up specially to wish me on Singapore time 6 October. Usual prima donna princess, wishing me on her timeline hahaha..

Not to mention the many e-cards and FB messages I received. Thanks so much for them!! See how FB is changing the world… So I made it a personal goal to respond to all of them.. And I’m still working through them. And Mum and Dad called from Decatur- sweet of them to remember.. I wanted to call Daddy and give him a chance to wish me happy birthday :p but sigh! He didn’t pick up his phone.. bleah…

Now one last thing left to do… To be quiet and think about what this past year had been like.. The forgetful me is really terrible at this. So I need to go and hopefully squeeze in some reflective moments before Daddy, or I lose this day again!

So here’s my 29th birthday.. the last one before I hit the big 3.. Eeeeeeee……

His sheep am I...

Listening to the sermon on “The Leader we need” in church last week brought back so many memories and desires. Memories of people who were shepherds in my life at different points, and desires of shepherding God’s flock.

There are so many others who were His shepherds to me- Xun who was one of the first few who watered this plant when she was young, the pastors whose teachings I’ve sat under in PPC, ARPC and Project Timothy, but here I’d like to pay tribute to 2 who came to mind as I reflected on the sermon…

I remember the days when I first took up the role of a small group leader, serving alongside with so many other brothers and sisters. And there was this camp for small group leaders that really nailed home what it means to be a small group leader, a shepherd of the small flock that God has entrusted you with. We spent the entire camp looking at the shepherding ministry in the many different angles.
Andrew led that camp, and thinking about it now fills me up with gratitude for what God has done through him in my life, that has such far reaching effects. That camp probably laid the foundation for my passion in small groups. Thank you Andrew!

And when I think about a leader who prays for her sheep, Lijuan comes to my mind almost immediately. She has been the only shepherd I’ve had who ever said to me, “I’ve been praying about this, and I feel peace about your decision to go to Beijing. I think it’s God’s leading, so go for it..” Those were not the exact words, she must had said them much better. But hearing those words- words with such holy elegance, from her was such an affirmation. The precious conversation gave me courage to embrace the Beijing stint- and look where that brought me. I miss having a shepherd like that, and I want to be like her. Thank you Lijuan!

The sermon encapsulated so many things I’ve contemplated over and over again on how to be a shepherd of God’s flock, and lessons that God has taught me each time I feel discouraged or lost. I want to be a shepherd like that! It’s such hard work, but so much joy! I pray that I can pour myself out for a community like a shepherd- no matter where i am, what role i am playing, and to serve them the way God would have me to.

But I need first to also learn to be a sheep.. A few poignant questions I was asked through the sermon-
1. What is my faith frontier? Am I seeking to stretch myself in new grounds? Or have I dwindled into a spiritual couch potato?
2. It’s not enough to care, if I do not care enough to pray really struck home. I admit that I probably talk more than I pray.. I need to reverse the priority!

Here’s parking the sermon notes as a reminder to myself in the days to come- of the shepherd I need to be for Him!

Num 27:12-23

I. WE NEED A SHEPHERD WHO YEARNS TO TAKE US TO OUR TRUE HOME (27:12-14)
A. As believers today, our true home isn’t the land of Canaan, as it was for Israel then. Our home is life in Christ here and now, and life with Christ in heaven forever after.
B. There is a song that says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it; prone to leave the God I love.”
How many times in our study of Numbers did we hear the Israelites say, “We want to go back to Egypt”? There’s some of them in all of us. Sometimes in our rebellion we want to run away from home, and other times we just cannot remember our way.
C. If the shepherd is to lead us home, our shepherd must see vividly what only faith can know. Our shepherd must have a spiritually innate sense of direction. Home is that way! Thankfully, God puts people in our lives who will steer us again and again back to the life of Christ, for it is only in Christ that we can rest in this alien world. Also, we need a shepherd who never forgets that “this world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through,” who paints pictures for us of the new heaven and the new earth more vivid the grayscale of this world and who stirs within us a homesick-ness for where we’re going instead of where we’ve been.

II. WE NEED A SHEPHERD WHO PRAYS FOR WHAT WE NEED MOST (27:15-17)
Do you remember what these people have put Moses through? Those 40 years had very nearly killed him, and they had surely broken his heart. Almost all that time, among most all the Israelites, Moses was resented and attacked. Yet, again and again he had prayed for them as though their lives depended on it. Because their lives had depended on it.

Moses prayed for the LORD’s people here as though they were the most precious people on the face of the earth. He prayed as though nothing in all of life was so important to him, so dear to his heart, as the care of God’s people. So he prays. Do not miss that. He prays.
That is what God’s shepherds must do. It is not enough that they care, if they do not care enough to pray.

III. WE NEED A SHEPHERD WHO CAN LEAD US OUT AND IN (27:17,21b)
God’s people are generally given to inertia; we are usually spiritual couch potatoes, oblivious to the fact that there are promises of God just over the horizon that he expects us to claim, that there are frontiers for our faith.
If I asked you right now to write down what your faith frontier is, what promises of God you are being pushed to believe, could you come up with something? That’s what shepherds are for. God himself, and all those who shepherd under him, keep us moving toward the life God intends for us.
In their book, Spiritual Leadership, Henry and Richard Blackaby write, “Spiritual leadership is moving people on to God’s agenda. When spiritual leaders have done their jobs, the people around them have encountered God and will obey his will.” [pp.20-21]

IV. WE NEED A SHEPHERD WHO HAS THE SPIRIT OF GOD (27:18)
The Spirit of God within a shepherd gives the wisdom of God, and there is no divine quality more needful than that. Wisdom, of course, is not the most spectacular of the Spirit’s gifts, but it is what God’s shepherd needs most.
God’s Spirit of wisdom sculpts the heart of God’s shepherd through Scripture. You who are learning to study Scripture, pay heed to this: it is not your hermeneutics and exegesis that will ultimately make you an effective shepherd for God. It will be that Scripture is on your lips, that Scripture permeates your mind and your prayers, and that Scripture shapes your behavior. That is the only possible way we can be wise enough to shepherd God’s people.

V. WE NEED A SHEPHERD WHO UNFAILINGLY INQUIRES OF THE LORD IN LEADING GOD’S PEOPLE (27:21)
So many decisions shepherds face in leading God’s people are more complex than that. We do our best to sift the issues through the pages of Scripture, through our experience as believers, through what our gut tells us.
My observation is that when we pray through to a clear answer God takes all we’ve thought about and gives it order. Not only does the decision become clear, but hearts become settled. There is a holy elegance and peace that confirms the wisdom of inquiring of the Lord.
Plus, by making this our practice, by inquiring of God unfailingly, shepherds are reminded again and again that this is God’s flock, God’s organization, God’s endeavor. The LORD’s name is on the door. No matter how wise we might be, the LORD always wants the last word.

Most importantly and obviously, Jesus Christ is our Good Shepherd. Matt 9:36 says, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Jesus tells us in Jn 10:11, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” Then he says it again in v.14, “I am the good shepherd; I know my

Keep pointing people who are “prone to wander” toward their true home in Christ and in heaven.
o Pray for their care, no matter how they treat you. Pray that you will have the shepherd they need.
o Lead them out to claim the promises of God, and safely in to the fold of Jesus.
o Do nothing without God’s Spirit of wisdom, always attuned to God’s Word.
o Unfailingly inquire of the Lord about each decision. Be wise and thoughtful. Use your head and your Bible. But do not proceed without getting God’s direction.
• Finally, one more conclusion: The LORD’s people must follow their shepherd. Most importantly, we must follow Jesus. Later, after Moses died and Joshua become the leader of Israel, the Israelites said to him in Josh 1:16, “Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go.”
That is what we must say to Jesus, our Good Shepherd.

Dr. Tim Laniak, a professor at Gordon-Conwell Seminary, interviewed a Bedouin shepherd in Jordan a few years ago.
Q. How many sheep and goats do you have?
A. 2000. I have the biggest flock in this area…
Q. How many [sheep and goats] did you start with?
A. I began with one in 1984. And I still know every one of them. They are like family to me.
Q. With that many, you still know every one of them?
A. Yes. I am with the flocks every day. Although I have homes in the village, I stay out here with them during the summer [migration]. I must personally supervise the care of the sheep or I shouldn't be a shepherd…It's a thing of the soul; it's not a business.
Q. Have you ever lost any sheep?
A. Yes, but I always looked for the ones that were lost until I found them–alive or dead. There is only one sheep that I couldn't find and it still bothers me every day.
Q. How long would it take to teach me to be a good shepherd?
A. Do you have the heart for it?

San Francisco

The foggy city hidden in a mist
Drawing her lovers into an adventure into the unseen
Up the steep hills and down the valleys
Marvelling at how life and civilization grew on grounds as these

Her pride dressed in red stands tall and proud
Through time and tide serves her people aloud
Many men from afar have come not just to see
But also to experience and satisfy their admiration with glee

Beneath lies the great fault of plates
They shift yet not, only by grace
Ocean currents wrap her warm in winter
Such a geological and meteorological wonder

A truly unique and mystic city
She has captured so many hearts to claim her as their own
And others only too glad that they have once her known
Wishing some day they’ll be back in the embrace of her beauty

Self Reliance

I am reading the book “Courage and Calling” by Gordon T. Smith these days. I enjoy the journey that it has taken me through- through the many walks of life, different seasons and the honest reflection about today’s life. I’m still working my way through it, so this is not a review of sorts. But I’d like to pen my thoughts about one quote this book had, that haunted me ever since I read it.

Gordon was quoting from Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”.
There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance, that imitation is suicide, that he must take himself for better or worse as his portion, that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is give to him to till.

To set it in context, Gordon was quoting this in light of what it meant to mature vocationally through midlife. Of how we need to learn to stop comparing ourselves to others, to turn from envy, to be able to “appreciate while we will not be all that we would have liked to be, we can, with God’s grace, be all that we are called to be”. To accept with grace our limitations and move quickly beyond the illusions of who we are, and to take responsibility for our giftedness.

Emerson might not have used his quote the way Gordon did, I think. After all, his essay is “Self Reliance” and what he might be concluding at the end of his essay is that he’s gotta rely on himself to plant that seed, water and harvest to get his corn kernels. But that might just be my Freudian slip.

There is some sense of which the quote conveys a sense of each is his own man, to honestly recognize our portion in life, that comparison takes us nowhere, that windfalls are accidents that happens to others, and we all need to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions. Kinda bleak, “depend on myself” mode- ain’t it?

But somehow, it hauntingly reflects the default outlook on my life when seen through a dark-stained glass. I do not wish to qualify nor inflate my tendency to take personal responsibility and ownership in every situation, and “force” myself to not covet what another has. In humble introspection, I need to also admit that this might be due to some twisted pride.

Be not mistaken, I am not a “each man for himself” and “one can only self-rely” propagator. I recognize that when looked through the rose-colored glass, this is mostly due to the teachings of Christ to be content, trusting that God is behind every situation and will work all things for the good of all those He loves.
And the Christian also recognizes how much of God there is in that seed, the rain, the health and ability to toil and work the ground...

And that's all i really have to say about this.. Sharing with you one of my fave songs…

What can i do?

Could the Masters in Counselling Ministries be the next thing You want me to do?

Please tell me so, and shut the door if You don't want me to walk right through... :)

Moving and our little WIP Abode

Heh.. i know i have not been very good with my pictures so far.. the tendency when you're not in the "travel" mode.
But anyway, here are some pictures over the last couple of weeks of our move (yup i took the shot while i am behind the wheel!), process of setting up our apartment (check out the shopping cart and catch a glimpse of our car) and some of our first home made meals here (i kinda baked a cake coz i was bored one evening- not too yummy though..)!
Enjoy!

The Journey of the Dawn Traveller

It’s the early hours of the Friday morning, and I’m sitting here in the train- doing the one thing that I’ve been desiring to all week. The air in the train is probably a lot cooler than what is beyond the window, but my sniffing nose cannot wait till I get out and smell the warm summer air.

A train ride may seem uneventful to some, but when you’re comfortable in a cushioned seat and have all that you need with you- you will realize that you can do so much in that hour. So pray tell, what does this Dawn Traveller do?

She has her breakfast with her, so she carefully munches on her breakfast pick of the day. She’s now careful to finish only half the portion of her ceral or sandwich, because she realizes that eating at 6am meant that she’s only gonna get hungry again at 9! And of course she learns it only by having 2 breakfasts for a couple of days *grins*

Being enslaved to multi-tasking, she reads as she eats. These days she’s reading Gordon T. Smith’s “Courage and Calling”, and is transported into a world that’s different from the one she’s riding by. Being swirled into the author’s world of addressing the youth, young adult, mid-lifers and seniors- to think about our gifts, how we see the brokenness of the world. It’s like watching life flash by. She reads slowly, but is definitely enjoying it. More about it next time.

The short attention span of this traveler meant that she could not be one of those who would read throughout the journey. So she takes out her phone, plays around with it. Unwilling to become an image of a gadget-fidgeting traveler, she moves through her email, facebook, messaging and news very quickly and keeps her phone tucked away in her purse for the rest of the journey.

Oh she’s noticing something that she’s never seen outside of the window! It’s not a pretty sight of a “black mountain”. Looks like a black rubber cloth covering over a dump of something- wonder what’s in there. Thankfully the train moved on from the unpretty scene and prevents her mind from wondering further. And the dawn is breaking, the sun will soon burst forth it’s rays through the clouds. Reminds her of a song that’s frequently on the air of the Christian station these days… “the One who makes the moon reflect the sun..”

She takes out her laptop and types away. For the past few days, she was working during this segment of the travel. And today, she’s starting her Friday with one of her favourite past times. It’s gonna be a good Friday : )

Five minutes to her destination, time to put the laptop away. While waiting for the machine to shut down, she pulls out her make-up kit and paints gently on her face. It looks almost non-existent, why does she bother- she often wonders. Ah well, it makes her feel like a woman… But the best part is that the powder cake reminds her of her moomoo who gave it to her.

“Chicago Union Station”. Time for her to alight the carriage and start treading to start her day at work. Guess what her next blog title’s gonna be?

Two weeks notice

Cant believe it’s been two weeks since I’ve arrived in “the land of the free”.
We’ve settled in Dad and Mum’s home in Decatur very comfortably in a strangely quick pace. Maybe it’s because I combated jet lag pretty well, or that jumping straight into work right after I arrive still gave my mind familiar things to focus on, or that being around with family in a familiar environment made the transition a lot easier, or simply a combination of all these factors.

For those who are interested in my mundane existence, here’s just a some peeks into what I’ve been up to these two weeks.

Work wise – Instead of having meetings late into the night, I start my day in the “basement office” with 6am meetings. This means going to bed by 10pm and waking up at 540am. It a pretty nice change, especially since I finish at about 4pm, latest 6pm each day and get my evenings back. I am definitely determined to NOT overwork any more since I’m so underpaid. :p

My first friend - Goldberry lives in our side of the house. Most parts of the week day, we’re each other’s only companion. So no matter which part of the house I’m in, she would come around and settle close by. Be it the living room snuggling on the carpet floor beside me, or in the basement sitting right in front of my laptop making me give her attention, or bedroom sharing our bed. I’m starting to like the attention that she wants from me, never thought i'd experience that! Except times when she would share my cup without my permission, or making it impossible for me to work. And I cannot believe I talk so much to a cat. *faintz*

Purchases – hahaha.. it’s gonna be fun as Arthur and I start buying things. This is always a time when submission is so hard to put into practice, and I need to frame my mind to think in the “submission” frame so we don’t get into more “tense situations” than we need to. Our first purchase was our phones, and already we are learning new things about our decision making pattern. Next, will be our car, fun times. Oh, and did I tell you we rented our apartment online, without even seeing it? FAITH!

I miss you – I miss my fish beehoon, ban mian and porridge. I miss having my moomoo BFF around to trouble all the time hahaha… and her BF of course. I miss mum and dad, and hearing their usual nag on skype just makes me smile. I miss my LIFE Group, church and friends… I’m pretty sure I miss you if you’re reading this… Please take care ya? *HUGZ*

Here's sharing a song that had been a big part of my 2 weeks here....

Signing out Singapore

I’m sitting here in the Abu Dhabi airport, staring at the runway. It’s so cold here. It’s a really nice huge, modern, clean airport. I know I’m gonna be doing many things for the first time on this journey- and it’s already started here. Lying flat out on the floor, and sleeping as if something had just hit you. Now, “who has ever slept on the floor of the Abu Dhabi airport”? Me! Move my object by a space please :p

Ok.. so having caught up with some snooze, now it’s time for me to spend some time with an old friend..

***

My Singapore clock stopped at about 8:30pm 24 July 2010. The last week in my tiny island had just been one smorgasbord of activity- trying to pack up and get ready for the move, ensuring that all my paperwork required during my absence in Singapore is sorted, saying good bye to people, stuffing my face with the yummy Singapore food, etc.

I know I’ve been pretty lousy at controlling my tears- so lousy I’m embarrassed. But they are not tears of sadness, rather a sense of “missing-aching” to be apart from people so close to your heart. I’ve come to realize that the people in our lives are actually markers of our history, and help identify who I am and what I’ve done. The tears tell me more than I know, the place you have in my heart.
So I’ll gladly carry this scar of nostalgia with me as I walk the streets of Chicago- wondering what you are doing in the other side of the world, being excited about the things that you’re experiencing, and do the only thing I can do for you at that point.

I’ve been asked many times how I feel about the next 3 years. I’m excited about the journey that Daddy has in store for me, and for us. Articulating it lucidly for the first, time, I think I am looking forward to “rolling along” and seeing the 4 corners of this puzzle fit together.

Corner 1 is “making a life together” - Having to figure out everything that goes into making a physical home together, building up our family habits and facing head-on all the financial, purchasing issues that we’ve only theoretically handled up to this point.
Corner 2 is “uncovering courage and calling” – I’ve been haunted by questions about ministry and calling in the last 2 months. A conversation with Liu Mushi spurred some seeking along those fronts, and God’s prob been waiting for me to knock on those doors for some time now. I have a feeling that I’m called to be content on a “calling by state/situation” rather than “calling by vocation”. If that’s true, it’s time to embrace every moment and situation with courage! I’m ready to discover and rest.
Corner 3 is “re-orienting my identity” – Without family and friends you’ve had all your life to identify you physically, I am desperately thankful I have God and Arthur with me. Now it’s time to discover what it’s like to roam the earth assuming only these 2 identities for a while! Also looking forward to meeting the people God will put in our lives.
Corner 4 is “learning something” – My mind has grown mouldy to be honest. Time to learn a new skill, read more and go for some classes. How will I grow? Not just horizontally I hope! :p

Okie dokie, that’s all for now. Will be signing in from Decatur after the flight! Take care *HUGZ*

I see red!

This is addressed to a certain somebody who drives SFN 2038 J. I hope I never have to meet you ever- but let me say this to you:

You sure are an asshole. Goodness… When all I did was lightly brushed against your car, that left no damage at all, you are serving me a lawyer’s letter with-
$800 worth of repairs (Come on, I touched up a BMW Sports car that had slightly more scars than yours for like $140 – what did you do to your car? Replaced the engine?!), $600 worth of rentals (You rented a what, Mini Cooper for a week???),
$260 worth of survey fees (What is that for?),
$50 worth of incidentals (And what is this, for you to incidentally sue me?), and
$700 worth of “cost at this stage” for what- lawyer’s fees???

Out of goodwill, I wrote you a note and gave you my number- to which you were supposed to call me, EXCUSE ME… As we agreed, where you will go assess for damages at the workshop, and let me know how much before we proceed. I have been waiting for your call for like ages, and all I get is a ridiculous lawyer’s letter?

I am so so so outraged- and I have not been this angry in a while that I really hope you will go burn in hell. You, and your lawyer, and your workshop- who are in cahoots.

Fine, thanks for teaching me a lesson about how to handle accidents (of which, this isn’t even anything and I have walked away having done much worse before…) in the future. Thanks for opening my eyes to how scums like you exist, would take advantage of others.
I will pay a price for my ignorance- but only to an amount that ought to be due to you. I will contest the charges, please don’t think you’re in for a free ride.

**
Maybe the above is like an over-reaction, and my curses are a little over-dramatic. Sure, I am probably not as angry already, and at a stage where I’m telling myself (as some very wise people had advised me) that I need to be calm when dealing with scumbags like this and I’ll let the insurance company deal with this.

BUT I do not think I can look at this injustice, blame that it is an injust act, and forgive the evil person behind this! I used to think that the prophets are too dramatic in cursing their enemies- but now, I’m like.. If even I who had suffered such a little injustice would want to heap coal and curses on that guy, what about the prophets who had such grave injustice served to them? What about God who looks at all the injustice in this world done to His people and Himself? How great thou wrath?

**
Just for the record, of course I am not gonna do anything myself. In case you and your too free lawyer would go round searching for stuff, and blame me for anything untoward that might happen to you. But I will leave vengeance to my God. For whatever penny that you got underserved, I hope it will leave you as quickly as it came. And may whatever evil intentions that you harboured be returned to you thousand times over!

Growing Up

I took my 2 nieces out to lunch the other day. Huijuan (Juan) is now 12, while Huiping (Ping-ping) has grown to be 9. I got to know Juan when she was 9.

Searching for a place to have lunch was not easy- since I wanted them to decide. They had different tastes, one like western while the other asian. One saw this as an opportunity to eat the foods that mum would usually keep them away from, while one was worried about mum finding out and giving her a lecture. One would tell me what she wanted, while the other would keep saying “Anything”- except what her younger sister suggested. Thankfully, we finally decided on a Korean restaurant.

And the saga continues during ordering.. Juan would want to tell Ping-ping what to order by multiple hints and suggestions. And of course Ping-ping was too sharp to be cajoled. During the meal, the 12 year old kept fiddling with her phone every 5 minutes- like it was the coolest thing ever. I could not help but roll my eyes- “girl, get a life apart from your phone!”

What a difference 3 years made. I remembered the time when Juan was as 9. I guess part of growing up was gaining some “sense”- after all isn’t it always a praise to be known as a “sensible child”? To make sure that the right thing is done even when mum is not around, to not demand your choice and go with anything, and even when you want something bad enough- to suggest and give others a chance to decide.
Sensibility is a virtue, and having some sense is better than no sense at all. Even though I noticed how Juan has grown and developed some sense and sensibility, I welcomed more Ping-ping’s refreshing straightforward articulation of her desires.
Looking at Juan, I wondered if this is how the road, to being a people pleaser who doesn’t want to decide anything start, or stifling what your heart wants and do what your head says is right, start… Is this really growing up?

Growing up also means you start to develop an awareness that not all of your classmates have your new handphone, and therefore you are pretty high up there in the trendy lot. I was a little annoyed with Juan- that she would rather look at her phone more than her lunch, and had more interest in the dead machine than conversations with those around. I was taking time off to be with her, and surely I deserved more attention than the gadget she has with her all the time? But no, the phone was like the most important thing on the planet that afternoon.
Of course, I knew this was just a phase- I was once there too. And it would be further in the journey when we would learn a little more about what truly matters. This experience gave me some apprehension about raising kids through adolescence- was I gonna be able to stand rebellious kids who had that sense of “self-importance”?

In a moment of epiphany I realized that despite being 15 years older than Juan, I had not grown out of that. I was still “playing with my handphone”, when I am with my family. I might be with them physically- but my mind was at work, or making plans of what next to do. I was preoccupied with myself, at times when God wants me to listen to Him. I just wasn’t able to give him any attention. I was sitting in service, but my heart far from being in His presence.

How did we all grow up? What have we gained or lost in the process of growing up? How is our Heavenly Father so patient with our nonsense, and inability to grow up after all these years and lessons?

I will boast of this..

Something Daddy gave me twice this week...
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these I delight,” declares the Lord" Jer 9:23,24.

Praying that I could understand and know Him more with each day, and make that the treasure of my life forever till I see Him face to face. Happy FATHER'S Day!!

Spouse essay :p

Covenant Divinity School requires a spouse essay for Arthur's application to his program there.. so just parking it here too.. :)
Topic: Her testimony and her thoughts about his pursuit of seminary training.

This is the testimony of God’s daughter, who admits she is unable to see and remember everything her Father has done. But hopes that in her limited expression of words, would show you how amazing He had woven the tapestry of life.

I started going to church at about the age of 5 because my parents wanted me to improve my English. The Sunday School stories were fun and the candies always inviting. But they were not sufficient to remove my dread to go to church, because of having to memorize Bible verses, missing out on cartoons and feeling like an outsider in a group of kids with parents who were also in church. A passive and reluctant participant- God still used her faithful mother, joyful Sunday school teachers and the weekly exposure of Bible stories to draw her to Himself. I first took the baby in the manger and the man on the cross as my personal Saviour at the age of 9. It is against this backdrop that I always considered myself a Christian though I stopped going to church for about 5 years in my teenage years.

Even in those 5 years when church life was absent, God still was in my life through the Catholic Secondary School that I went to. I never thought much of the morning prayers, mass and hymns then- but looking back, God used them to help me not forget Him.

When I was 17, I wanted so bad to go back to church again. I thought going to church was nice, I looked up to my Christian aunt and cousins and wanted to be like them, and for some reason I just started to miss going to church. In His timing, God used a casual conversation with a classmate to bring me back into His family in a local Presbyterian church.

It was during Youth Fellowship that I learnt about faith, love, hope, commitment- Christianity became more than just Sunday School stories, it required a life response. Then came a whirlwind season with much desire and dissatisfaction- a desire for the gift of tongues and experiences of “being touched by the Holy Spirit”, in want to be “singled out by God in a crowd” and having a more “Spirit-filled” church. And all that was mixed with a desire for a relationship, that was not to be fulfilled at that age.

I started leading a small group in church during my University days, and through recommendations from friends in the Varsity Christian Fellowship- I also started to attend additional Bible teaching services and conferences. God provided me several mentors during this season- people who took me under their care, taught me the Bible and encouraged me to do the same and make disciples of Christ. The combination of Bible Study preparation and equipping sessions started to help build my biblical foundation. Being surrounded by like-minded brothers and sisters, also spurred me to grow and serve God by feeding His sheep. And almost like an epiphany, everything in my short Christian history thus far, started to come together.

As I read the Bible, the Sunday School stories that had been buried deep in my childhood memory started coming alive. The Bible stories were not just actions and things that happened in history- but rather they revealed things about God, His character and plan. Things that I learnt during Youth Fellowship started to have more grounding in the Person of Jesus Christ and the teachings in His Word. And I started to understand what being a Christian meant- that I am a sinner, saved by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone.

All the knowledge that I gained starting to give birth to more burning questions within me. “Do I know God?” or “Do I just know about God?”, and “What does it means to follow Christ, am I willing to carry my cross?” I am confronted that this faith, this God demands more than what I have giving Him so far. He is real, He is alive, and He wants a relationship with me. I need to love Him with all my heart, and all my mind, and all my strength.

As certain as I am aware that I had made a personal commitment to God, I know that it is He who first chose me- and will keep me in Him. Growth in the years after till today consisted of experiencing God’s discipline, coming face to face with the depth of my depravity and inability to love like He does, and being completely blown away that He who already gave His life for me would also me show how His sovereignty provides for me and my family in every situation. And one of the most amazing gifts He had given me- is a like-minded companion for life, who promised to love me like Christ loves His church.

I have a few instinctive response with regards to Arthur’s pursuit of seminary training. They revolve mainly around- “I wish I can do it with you too!”, “It’s such a privilege and joy to be able to set apart time to become better trained for God’s work”, to “I believe it will be a season when Arthur will not just grow in knowledge, but also in spirit.” And I consider it also my privilege and joy to have a husband who would pursue doing the Gospel work in a full-time capacity, to be able to support and serve alongside with him.

It had always been my dream to be able to spend time doing seminary training as well. It may not be my time to do it right now, but I hope that I will have a chance to do it some day. For now, it makes me smile to think that God would fulfill yet another of my dream through Arthur. It excites me to think about the godly men and women we will meet, and the chance to learn from them and their lives as we spend time sharing about God and His Word. I certainly believe that during his course of training- I too will partake in the training on the side, and grow as well.

Having said that, I also want to acknowledge that we will always be “work in progress”, and there is no boundary to what we can learn about God and how we can grow in our relationship with Him. So while seminary training can prepare Arthur up to a certain degree, we will forever be in God’s “training school” in Christ-likenss. The seminary training is not the “end-all”.

It would also be a lie to not admit thoughts of uncertainty that flash across my mind every now and then. Uncertainty, not about the seminary training, but about what to expect after the seminary training. We’re not certain about where God will have us be, and what He will have us do. “I don’t know…” doesn’t seem like a very assuring answer to give family and friends when they ask me about what Arthur would do after the seminary training. This uncertainty about the future however, only serves to make the present resolve all the more real and precious.

Our present decision for Arthur to pursue seminary training is built on 2 key foundations- our commitment to serve God and His people wherever we are, and the gifts and desire that God had put within Arthur full-time Gospel ministry as affirmed by family and friends. So although we do not know what the specific ministry context we will be in, we know for sure that it can only be a good and wise thing to do, to get trained and be a skilled worker of God.

By faith, we know that God has opened up this season for us to get trained. And we know that the Faithful One will lead us after this season of training to where He wants us to be.

Postlude to Refusing going to bed

I updated my status in Facebook the other day- “Why am I refusing to go to sleep?” What started out as a playful question in my reflection about my persistence in staying up to read 8 days drew a couple of comments. More than I had expected.

One said I was worrying and not letting Daddy take control- when I first read it, I was like “Man! Where did that come from?”. Another suggested that I was prob too pre-occupied by work- that I would admit partially but I thought this had been a pretty good week with a very comfortable pace.

But in a dramatic way, their comments seemed to have a self-fulfilling prophecy! I would have fought to deny all their suggestions initially- but now, maybe they knew of my subconscious state better than I know?

I woke up in the middle of the night after about barely 3 hours of sleep from a bad dream. And all of a sudden, I had a rush of fear- about going to the States. Maybe I will get mugged and left for the dead in the big land, I will be far away from everything familiar and everyone I love- and have only Arthur, and I started praying against spiritual warfare in our new apartment. What if I don’t like the office there, nor the working environment and pace?

These thoughts are not unfamiliar- I had them in Beijing too. Kind of irrational, but “what-if”s always are… And it is that “you have no one else but God” that always forces the daughter who is far away from home, to cry out to her Daddy in heaven more often than she would in her comfort zone.

But it is the first time I’ve felt fear when I contemplate about our impending move to the States. I might have felt apprehension at times, but most of my thoughts about going to the States revolved around- dreams of having a space of our own & how it would look like, getting used to dinner for two, driving about the country, seeing things, going to places and being able to spend time to study art or music or a new field of interest.

And now, a fear of a different kind had just set in. Arthur had just checked in on the financial aid for school and was disappointed- and is having second thoughts about going to Wheaton this summer. The bad US job statistics threw a damper on my confidence about securing a visa. The timing of the sleepless night and this news may be coincidence, but I cannot help but wonder is Daddy trying to tell us something else?

I am not sure what it is. But whatever He has willed to happen, I can only wait to find out. One thing for certain, whether we get to go or stay, and when we will go- I know for sure that it is only He who has made this come to pass. Human factors may seem to play a part, but nothing is what they seem. He alone writes our story.

Please keep us in prayer.

The good third party..

These drama serials are making me immoral… I’m in love with 2 shows these days- The Good Wife, and House M.D. Therein lies my 2 crushes- my 50 year-old crush Hugh Laurie (a.k.a House), and my 40 year-old crush Josh Charles (a.k.a Will Gardner).. And of course my 30 year-old crush is Arthur Kok- oh right! He’s not a just a crush *winks*

Ok, having crushes are perfectly normal- and I know that :p So they are not my problem.
My issue is, I actually want them to break up other people’s marriage or relationship, so that they can be with the heroine I want them to be with!!! If there’s not something wrong with me, I don’t know what.

It’s wrong, it’s irrealistic- I tell myself that. But I still hate the fact, that I cannot tell the scriptwriters that they should have made that cheating husband a complete one-dimensional ass-hole… Or they need to let my leading men at least have their love reciprocated somehow in her heart of hearts- their despondent faces just haunts me and wrings all my insides.

Right, I can blame it on the scriptwriters. Gosh, how can they do that to me? Made me fall in love with people whom I would have kept at arm’s length, or treated with cynicism if I were to know them. They’ve written such brilliant characters that I would condone House’s acute sarcasm, and "respect" Will as a sharp and hard-nose partner in the law firm.

And the script is so good, that it make me want an ending that’s contrary to all that I believe in and hold dear! I frown at Cuddy’s perfectly realistic choice that I would be truly proud of if I was her girlfriend in real life.. I am rooting for Alicia to do what Hillary Clinton failed to do and walk away- the man isn’t bad for her at all honestly, but I’m just completely irrational in Will’s favour at this point. (Partially coz of my biased viewer tendencies- i dont like how "the other man"- the husband looks :p) How can they make me want something that is so bad?'??

See I have a problem… falling for the oldest trick in the scriptwriter’s manual, and getting all personal and emotional about it. Goodness gracious me.

There is no good third party.. God punishes. God hates adultery. God loves forgiveness. God gives second chances. Thank God that He is there. That He has a standard, and He defines what is right and good and true… Otherwise, the world will be a bigger mess than it already is, and i would be even more screwed up than i already am!

But can I still have my alternative standards in TV-land? Please?

To struggle to do what is right

“Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food if for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” Hebrews 5:13-14

As I grow older, it seems that I need milk more and more- moving further and further away from the solid food I ought to be having. I’ve bought into the post-modern lie of defining what is good according to “ MY Christian values” (what irony…), sank into the fatigue of the repeated failures to do what is good and right, hid in the comforts of the “brilliant rationalization” of my own evils, and became lazy in my struggle against sin.

It is true, and I see it so clearly as Daddy shows me in the school of driving & parking. I remember the days when cheating 15 min with the parking coupon would eat at me- and there were days when He was gracious to give me the wisdom to do right instead of bearing the guilt of that 25 cents. When the Electronic Parking System (EPS) parking was implemented during the early days, I delighted in it- because it meant that I can pay fully what I owe and not have to bear the temptation of having to cheat with the parking coupons.
But these days, I convinced myself that the government is making so much money off me on the roads anyway- it doesn’t hurt that I re-use the parking coupons some time! And I realized that I had became lazy and counted on the EPS to be responsible for my integrity- because I could not be trusted to be right when I needed to be. I cannot be confident even after these reflections that I would do the right thing next time I use those parking coupons.

Today, I bumped gently into someone’s car in the car park as I was reversing into my lot. There was nothing really, I wanted to clean off the stains and walk off. But Arthur kept cleaning and cleaning, and suggested leaving a note. Eventually, the owner of the guy showed up. Then there was of course the inevitable damages-compensation-insurance conversation, which is another story by the way. And I only have my own naivety to blame.
Anyhow, I know the fact that I had borne responsibility for the situation, and faced the person I had done wrong is right and good. But it still didn’t stop me from being a little frustrated with Arthur for tarrying so long, or bemoan the appearance of the driver. Should I even be proud that I didn’t drive off instead? Why cant I be glad that God is protecting me from the guilt of shame or sin, without the negative feelings? Oh how far from righteousness I am!

And I wonder why it is that I am not growing, and not having breakthroughs in my walk with God? I think about people like John Piper, D.A Carson, John Stott. I think about their relationship with God, and how these people had been teaching and preaching the deep things of God since they were in their 30s! The kind of things you know that were true of their life, simply by listening to the things they say. I am reaching that age soon, but I’m still asking God the same questions I was 7 years ago- about life, about work, about my time on earth. I’m going round the circles over and over again, and still an infant. How can I get myself ready to meet Him in another 40 years or so?

I can only take comfort in the writer of Hebrews, that if only I would take that baby step. To be acquainted with the teachings of righteousness, and be willing to constantly using it to distinguish good and evil- and do what is good and right.. I might get to the solid food eventually. To drink deep from the Living Water, to desire God and His holiness, to have His eyes on a situation and feel things the way He does. How long, O Lord?

I'll miss you, Chen Mushi

We may sometimes envy those who live in a lap of luxury- big house, fancy cars, extravagant holidays, wish we had a few more experiences they had, and even convince ourselves to work tirelessly towards that lifestyle. But I’m not sure if anyone who ever attended a “rich man’s” funeral, ever left wishing that he was as rich as that corpse. Whatever luxury he had experienced ended with him in his coffin, and what he had left behind remains in their material case.

We may never envy those who live a hard life for a worthy cause, we may applaud or admire their sacrifice but we’d never commit to join them. But yet as they lay their tired bodies to rest, we feel acutely the pain of a world with a hero lost. And as we remember their lives, the remembrance would turn to a reflection on our lives.

There is an internal yardstick within all of us- no matter whether we would admit it or not, on what truly matters to us. We may in our post-modern state rebel to say that- when we won’t know when we’ve returned to dust, so I’ll only care about the now and how. Whose life would you have liked to live? Whose legacy would you have liked to leave behind? How would you like to be remembered?

As a great doctor, a brilliant surgeon, a caring teacher, a loving pastor, a prayerful grandmother, a godly spouse, a self-sacrificing parent, a very nice boss, a good employee, a great manager, the teacher of the year, a frequent flier, a regular church-goer, a spiritual over-seer? Which role defines who you want to be? Which role defines our every day? What would you give to be who God made you to be?

Chen Mushi, thank you for who you are and what you’ve done. I cannot count how many times your sermons have spoken to me, or how even i'm dead sure you dont remember me- you'll always fondly be remembered as one of my spiritual parents. Maybe we teased too often how you spent 3 years on Exodus and i cant remember how long it was with Revelations.. But I am a life that was changed by yours... I wish Daddy would have given you more time with your family here- after the many years of laboring for the church, it's time your family had more of you.. But my sister said that God had taken His servant Home- and it’s the best possible place you can ever be, for you are finally at rest and with a perfect body- no pain, no ailments. See you some day… You'll be missed...

The pursuit of joy

This is my response for the Abiding in Christ class last week- the only one I have done so far :p

Jesus says “I have told you this, so that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be complete”.
We talked about many things that would typically arise in a topic like this- how joy is different from happy, joy is deeper and independent of circumstance, and that joy is to be found rooted in our relationship with God. Some honest things also came up- like how sometimes we may find such people annoying, and people who exuberates such joy are unreal and “live in a world of their own”.
But the same nagging questions we had were- what does complete joy look like, what is the implication that we do not feel joy all the time, does that mean that we are not remaining in Christ?

Three people come to mind when I think about joy. David- it’s apparent from his psalms, and emotional expressions that he experiences joy from his relationship with God. Jesus- because of the above. And Paul- whose letters never fail to express the joy he has in the Lord and the growing church, and teaches that joy is a fruit of the Spirit.

All three of them, had not easy lives. David had to flee for his life from Saul, mourn for the loss of his son, and grieve that his son wanted to usurp his throne. Jesus was a man of sorrows, who lived to die, and experienced betrayal and denial from his closest friends. Paul always fleeing from persecution, getting flogged and spending time in prisons.
No one in the right mind would say that their lives were filled with joy, but I suspect that if you were to ask them- they would say without a doubt that they had joy.
Why then do we modern city dwellers who had not experienced an inch of what they would call hardship, mourn so easily about the lack of joy in our lives? Would you trade the worst experience of your life with them, ever?

I am convinced that the pursuit of joy is a futile one. If we spend our time wondering if we have joy, measuring our “joy-level” and thinking about ways to have more joy, we might be sorely disappointed. As Paul describes it- it’s a fruit of the Spirit, something that would bear forth from a Spirit-filled life. And the key for Jesus’ joy to be in us, lies in the “this” that He has told them. David found strength in the joy of the Lord, not the other way round.

Neither Paul, Jesus nor David were caught up with desiring joy for their lives. They were all caught up in something else, and someone else. Paul was crazy about the Gospel and building the Church. Jesus was all about loving the Father and His friends. David had passion, deep passion for God. And if you think a moment about your “heart full of joy” experiences- when did they come about? Did they not involve being in love with something or someone?

We all find joy in different things, and we all most certainly express our joy in different ways. But joy, in my humble opinion, is something we find in something else. It is not an end in and of itself, it is a “by-product”. The pursuit must not be about joy- but of something or someone else.

For David, it is to go after God’s heart. For Jesus, it is to do the Father’s will. For Paul, it is to present the church holy and pleasing to God. They were not seeking joy out, they just had it while pursuing the thing they were passionate about. Sure, that journey brought them through many valley-low experiences, but nothing could rob the joy they have in midst of their tears.

Why is it that a Christian today would be hesitant to confess that they were full of joy? My reflection is that- I am disturbed by that question only when I’m feeling disconnected with God, and a lack of purpose in my life or Christianity. During seasons when He has graciously allowed me to have the certainty that His will is being done in my life, I won’t consciously feel joyful. But if you ask me if I have joy then, I think I wont hesitate to say yes.