To struggle to do what is right

“Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food if for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” Hebrews 5:13-14

As I grow older, it seems that I need milk more and more- moving further and further away from the solid food I ought to be having. I’ve bought into the post-modern lie of defining what is good according to “ MY Christian values” (what irony…), sank into the fatigue of the repeated failures to do what is good and right, hid in the comforts of the “brilliant rationalization” of my own evils, and became lazy in my struggle against sin.

It is true, and I see it so clearly as Daddy shows me in the school of driving & parking. I remember the days when cheating 15 min with the parking coupon would eat at me- and there were days when He was gracious to give me the wisdom to do right instead of bearing the guilt of that 25 cents. When the Electronic Parking System (EPS) parking was implemented during the early days, I delighted in it- because it meant that I can pay fully what I owe and not have to bear the temptation of having to cheat with the parking coupons.
But these days, I convinced myself that the government is making so much money off me on the roads anyway- it doesn’t hurt that I re-use the parking coupons some time! And I realized that I had became lazy and counted on the EPS to be responsible for my integrity- because I could not be trusted to be right when I needed to be. I cannot be confident even after these reflections that I would do the right thing next time I use those parking coupons.

Today, I bumped gently into someone’s car in the car park as I was reversing into my lot. There was nothing really, I wanted to clean off the stains and walk off. But Arthur kept cleaning and cleaning, and suggested leaving a note. Eventually, the owner of the guy showed up. Then there was of course the inevitable damages-compensation-insurance conversation, which is another story by the way. And I only have my own naivety to blame.
Anyhow, I know the fact that I had borne responsibility for the situation, and faced the person I had done wrong is right and good. But it still didn’t stop me from being a little frustrated with Arthur for tarrying so long, or bemoan the appearance of the driver. Should I even be proud that I didn’t drive off instead? Why cant I be glad that God is protecting me from the guilt of shame or sin, without the negative feelings? Oh how far from righteousness I am!

And I wonder why it is that I am not growing, and not having breakthroughs in my walk with God? I think about people like John Piper, D.A Carson, John Stott. I think about their relationship with God, and how these people had been teaching and preaching the deep things of God since they were in their 30s! The kind of things you know that were true of their life, simply by listening to the things they say. I am reaching that age soon, but I’m still asking God the same questions I was 7 years ago- about life, about work, about my time on earth. I’m going round the circles over and over again, and still an infant. How can I get myself ready to meet Him in another 40 years or so?

I can only take comfort in the writer of Hebrews, that if only I would take that baby step. To be acquainted with the teachings of righteousness, and be willing to constantly using it to distinguish good and evil- and do what is good and right.. I might get to the solid food eventually. To drink deep from the Living Water, to desire God and His holiness, to have His eyes on a situation and feel things the way He does. How long, O Lord?