Postlude to Refusing going to bed

I updated my status in Facebook the other day- “Why am I refusing to go to sleep?” What started out as a playful question in my reflection about my persistence in staying up to read 8 days drew a couple of comments. More than I had expected.

One said I was worrying and not letting Daddy take control- when I first read it, I was like “Man! Where did that come from?”. Another suggested that I was prob too pre-occupied by work- that I would admit partially but I thought this had been a pretty good week with a very comfortable pace.

But in a dramatic way, their comments seemed to have a self-fulfilling prophecy! I would have fought to deny all their suggestions initially- but now, maybe they knew of my subconscious state better than I know?

I woke up in the middle of the night after about barely 3 hours of sleep from a bad dream. And all of a sudden, I had a rush of fear- about going to the States. Maybe I will get mugged and left for the dead in the big land, I will be far away from everything familiar and everyone I love- and have only Arthur, and I started praying against spiritual warfare in our new apartment. What if I don’t like the office there, nor the working environment and pace?

These thoughts are not unfamiliar- I had them in Beijing too. Kind of irrational, but “what-if”s always are… And it is that “you have no one else but God” that always forces the daughter who is far away from home, to cry out to her Daddy in heaven more often than she would in her comfort zone.

But it is the first time I’ve felt fear when I contemplate about our impending move to the States. I might have felt apprehension at times, but most of my thoughts about going to the States revolved around- dreams of having a space of our own & how it would look like, getting used to dinner for two, driving about the country, seeing things, going to places and being able to spend time to study art or music or a new field of interest.

And now, a fear of a different kind had just set in. Arthur had just checked in on the financial aid for school and was disappointed- and is having second thoughts about going to Wheaton this summer. The bad US job statistics threw a damper on my confidence about securing a visa. The timing of the sleepless night and this news may be coincidence, but I cannot help but wonder is Daddy trying to tell us something else?

I am not sure what it is. But whatever He has willed to happen, I can only wait to find out. One thing for certain, whether we get to go or stay, and when we will go- I know for sure that it is only He who has made this come to pass. Human factors may seem to play a part, but nothing is what they seem. He alone writes our story.

Please keep us in prayer.