Summer Sabbatical 2022

My second Sabbatical formed the bookends of this summer. The first half was spent mostly in Singapore playing tourist in my home country, and the second half in Chicago playing stay-at-home mom. The first half felt more productive, mainly because I was able to help Daddy and Mummy declutter that one room; and the second half had me starting a bunch of projects that sit unfinished on this last day of my Sabbatical. What I enjoyed most of this Sabbatical though, was just being able to give some more time to my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister (wish I did more!), friend and church member. All things I prize more than being a responsible worker and manager. With days becoming shorter and the clock ticking, I’ll have to better allocate time, energy and mental space to things that matter more for eternity. How easy it is to get caught up in the hum-drum of work, and I am thankful that this Sabbatical helped me slow down and reminded me to prioritize the important.

 **

“Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds.. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19

We need time to sit at home with our children, to walk along the road with them, to lie down with them and get up with them; how else are we to teach our children the Word of the Lord? And the few moments that are most precious to me this summer were precisely that.

Elliot did not make it very far on our Saturday morning jog when he had to stop. A dead bunny by the roadside sucked the spring out of his steps. With his head drooped and his feet trudging, he barely eeked out the words when I ran back to him, “I am so sad Mommy”. And a conversation about our eternal hope in Christ ensued. There was no assurance of the bunny making it into heaven; but we prayed and thanked God for the hope that we have- that one day, there will be no more death, sadness and tears when we are with Him in the new heaven and new earth. And then he ran again. But it was not long before another conversation about money interrupted my plans to be healthy that morning.

“I did not used to be like that Mommy…” Mya rubbed her eyes we lay down beside each other on her bed. Earlier that evening, the older one went bananas over my comment about Elliot having a 40 minute long bus ride each way to school. “You only care about Elliot! Oh poor Elliot! You think I have an easy bus ride?” I pointed out the mean, ugly heart that the jealousy stemmed from; and she hid herself in the bathroom to calm down. She did not want to hear a sermonette that night, but I was glad to lay beside her and tell her “I was and I am like that too.”

Having the chance to send the kids off to school in the morning, and being home to welcome them when they get back is precious. Instead of getting ready for work or being already gone on the train, I get to see these little ones board their school bus and tell them that I love them as they go off to learn about and face that big world out there. And being around to hear about their day when they get home, prepping snacks and spontaneous sushi dinners together just makes my heart full. I want to be here to tell them that they do not have to sneak around for more screen time in the dark, warn them of pressures they'll face at school and remind them to be little lights for Jesus whenever they can. 

And as we sit down for family worship in the evenings, it was wonderful to take time to breathe and rest together. There were no activities to rush to after dinner, and no other place we had to be other than there beside each other – reading, singing hymns and praying together.

***

I have so enjoyed TGC’s Good Faith debates. So thankful to the Lord for this group of like-minded brothers and sisters whom I don’t know personally, but am so glad to call “my people, my tribe”!

2020 Thanksgiving Diary (I)

 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

As I picture entering God’s gates with the “battle scars” from this year of Covid, I am thankful for the refining that He has done this year – not just to me, but for the world. Generations come and go, but He alone is forever; His goodness, His love and His faithfulness. He deserves all thanks, praise and honor; not for the deliverance and gifts He will provide, but because He is worthy. This post will get too long if I list all the ways I am thankful, but I will attempt to gather the threads that I think He is weaving in this little life of mine this year and my hopes for the next.

Arthur and Marriage

The year started with a health scare that had Arthur having to get an MRI on his brain. Even though there were no symptoms that warranted fretting over, the optometrist’s concerns were enough to drive me to plead God for more time with Arthur. And then Covid struck, my prayers for more time were answered in an unexpected way. More meals together, time to workout in the morning together, more relentless days juggling kids and work together, more tough conversations; I’ve loved every moment of it. I am so very thankful for this man who turned 40 this year, and pray that we will get to spend the next 40 years or more growing together.

There are 2 thorns in this bed of roses that I hope to work on next year as a wife.

I was asked recently how a decision of mine would impact Arthur and his calling. I have not thought about my role in his calling in a long time, and this was a good wake-up call for me. I think this is why our tag-teaming partnership has felt a tat lackluster. I want to spend less energy figuring out our schedules to give each other time and space to work, and more time praying for and helping with Arthur’s calling.

It was difficult to hear when Arthur shared that he is wary about sharing some spiritual things with me, because of how this contrarian wife would respond. Even though she has come a long way from giving too many "constructive criticisms" on his sermons too quickly, and "crying foul" about him wanting to hold back; I want to prove with time and gentleness, that my heart can sing with his on the things that he hold so dear.   

Kids and Motherhood

The parenthood train keeps moving forward and it feels like we are at a new station. Mya’s silent treatment (I’ll pretend not to hear you by not responding), logical deduction (“why do I have to listen to you?”, “seriously?!!”), eye rolls and passionate cries for justice (“it’s not fair!”), is reminiscent of my youthful antics; but isn’t this a little early? Like she is me from yesteryear, I am my mother then. Homework sagas, yelling, nagging, impatient, comparing her with others – God help me please! As for Elliot, the tiger within still needs more taming and the bitter juice of shame extracting. So many times this year, it feels like I’ve come to the end of myself and all I can do is get on my knees.

Still, I am thankful to be their mama and grateful for every day with them. The hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs, cries and tantrums, the throw-ups, home-made videos, card/magic tricks, jokes, battles, pranks, games; the way they take on a new challenge, language, experience or sport; the deeper questions they are asking. I am thankful for the many ways they have inspired me, challenged me to grow and gifted me with the colors they add to each day.

Lord, please help me treasure these days. To not be in a hurry to move out of this station, but to lean into all the lessons that this stop has to offer. To fix my eyes on you and not on others, to not make comparisons and lose patience. Please use me to nurture these seedlings, so that they can bloom and thrive for your glory.

To be continued…

Color

I thought I might escape unscathed

From the virus and the prejudice

I live a Democratic state I surmised

Among the learned liberals who will not bat an eye

To my color.

And then it happened along the frozen aisle

He saw me come and said “You stay away!”

Like I was the plague that passed him by

He turned to face the freezers and shook his head

At this person of color.

It is on them, I shall not be mad

I will take the high ground and not react

I barely settled in the car when I felt a knife twist in my heart

He left more than a scare on me

And how I wear my color.

This is nothing compared to the headlines

He was beaten by the police

He was shot unjustly

He was accused and molested via a body search

Because of his color.

This is nothing compared to history

They had to sit behind on the bus

They had to use different bathrooms

They could not eat at the same restaurant

For they had a different color.

Yet we still do it to one another, color to color

One might be a victim and to another a perpetrator

A stare, a snub, a step aside

Words, violence, genocide

Reactions to colors.

Lord haste the day when You will come

When we shall all be as one

When we will see each other through your eyes

Beautiful, dignified, treasured

Because of Christ.

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!  

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

Of Little men and Fairies

March 17

And we thought that the leprechaun will not strike this year. Last year, Mya decided that the leprechaun was going to doodle on the walls. We woke up to doodles on the bathroom wall, bedroom wall and the family room wall. We got rid of the doodles only when it was time to sell the house. 

This year, we thought we will get-by by setting traps and making mini shamrocks for the little green man. But alas! Mya and Elliot thought it might be fun to have snow indoors on St. Patrick’s day. So they emptied 2 bottles of powder all over their room and over themselves. At least, a little cleaning up is all that’s needed; and we'll do it well before we sell this house. 

Feb 20, March 12

Mya lost both of her teeth! Her tooth fairy is the shining Pearlie, and I have a feeling that we will be getting a lot more visits from her.

The first tooth fell out during chapel in school. It was a little emotional for Arthur and I, yet another milestone crossed. And the working mother teared up a bit when she heard the news, because she was not there for her yet another of her daughter’s “first”.

The second tooth fell out after a post-Awana treat with Daddy at Wendy’s. As Mya likes to tell the story with TMI.. She went to the bathroom after the treat, and as she was going potty, the tooth fell out. She ran to me right after she got home and asked, “Can the tooth fairy leave her more chocolate coins again?”

The answer was no, in case you were wondering.

March

From Arthur to Mrs Cummins, Elliot’s school teacher –

I've got to tell you this!  Of course, you've been doing the story of Zacchaeus at school.  Elliot also sings the song at church and we've talked about the story at home.  Anyway, the other day he got hold of my wallet and was playing with it.  He took out some cash bills, put them in his pocket, and loudly announced, "Me take money; me like za'ccheus!!!"  Haha!  Jo and I could not stop laughing!  Maybe not the primary lesson of that story, but he's listening!!!!  Thanks for all you and Mrs. Leydon are doing for him!

1917 N Spruce Terrace

It was unexpectedly emotional when the “For Sale” sign was put up in front of our current home – 1917 N. Spruce Terrace, AH IL 60004. I was not there when they did it, but tears streamed down my cheeks when Arthur called to inform me. Had I been there, every inch they sunk the peg into the ground, would have been an inch a nail was hammered into my heart.

It was again unexpectedly emotional when our realtor texted us that the couple who bought our house are excited about it. The house closed today. I was not there when they signed the papers, but tears welled up in my eyes. I felt every ounce of pain that Mya had within her when we said goodbye to the house. She was inconsolable, hugging our favorite tree, kissing the last wall before we walked out the door, for good.

This is the first house Arthur and I “owned”. I remembered vividly praying that God would use this space that He has blessed us with, and He answered that prayer in ways more than what we could have asked for. Families coming for months or a weekend, friends here to hang out or stay for a while, strangers becoming friends, friends making this home their own, gatherings, lunches, dinners, life group meetings, birthday parties. God has blessed us with much rich fellowship, laughter and tears in this little home. Memories made and deeply treasured. We are humbled that God has entrusted this space to us for the last 4 years.

This is the house in which Mya lived most of her life to-date, and that’s the only home Elliot has ever known. This is where they learnt to walk and talk, dressed-up and played make-believe, rode kitchen chairs trains and cardboard boats, got time-outs and spankings, read countless books, somersaulted, straddled on the ceiling, fought and giggled, laughed uncontrollably. They fell in love with playing outside here – swinging and kicking balls in the backyard, riding their bike, car and scooter on the sidewalk, playing with the water table, going to the park, climbing trees. God has blessed them with so many moments of fun in the neighborhood. We are so thankful for that.

We will remember our neighbors – Nancy, Wendall and Rosalee. Even though they’ve really enjoyed having us (especially Arthur), they will spur us to be better neighbors in the future.

This has been quite a journey for us. Leaving behind what we once loved, moving forward to a place unknown (kinda), learning anew what is temporal and permanent, cherishing what we have and had. We pray the same prayer that God will use our new space for His work and His people, that it will be a place of rest and refreshment for the sojourners and that we will steward it for His glory!  

Eternity under the Christmas tree

Experienced a little piece of eternity with Mya tonight as we were putting up ornaments on the Christmas tree.

I was trying to explain to Mya that I try to make 2 similar pieces of ornaments with the kids' pictures each year. This is so that when she grows up and have a home and tree of her own, she can have one of these ornaments; and i would still have one of them. She teared up and gave me a hug, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, how can i let my little girl go? And of course i thought of my mummy, who bore to let her little girl go.

Mya likes making things for me. I told her tonight that she does not have to make anything for me, i just want her. And she mumbled something along the lines of making something for me after I die. And then she teared up and squeezed me tight, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, does my 4 year old know what death is already? Did her heart have this sharp ache like mine?

And then i got to tell her one of the best things ever.. That if we both hold onto Jesus, even when i die, it's just a short little goodbye. And that's why He came, at Christmas time.

Happy Belated Birthday Mya!

Mya is turned 4 and I turned 36 respectively, a few days ago. 32 years between us. Yet I feel like I’ve loved her all my life. She’s a part of me, apart from me, never to be removed.

Here's a poem for your 4th year my sweetest sweet heart!

Mya laughs herself silly

She cries herself hoarse

She plays with her brother

She makes up her own songs

She gets all giggly excited

About school, AWANA and smores

She gets bored waiting

Because “waiting is booooring”

She’s gone to the apple orchard

And the fire house too

She goes swimming and dancing

And sometimes Sunday school

She likes a big party, four is far too few

She enjoys her special friends

Emma, Jake and Enzo, just to name a few

Oh, Little Bear, Fizzy and Unicorn too

She loves to read Ling and Ting

And play hide and seek

Eat porridge and spaghetti

And ride around on her wheels

Behind her princess exterior

Is the spirit of a gentle warrior

She has her strong point of view

She holds on to her ideals

She rides her little pony called pride

She holds back her tears now when she falls

She imagines and makes believe

And her logic is without a flaw

She memorizes Scripture

Practice her alphabets and draw

She loves making crafts from Koala Crate

And write cards when she misses you

We love you so much Mya

We learn and grow alongside you

You are His gift to us

You are our precious precious sweetie pie

Elliot is one!

Our little boy turned one. He’s been around for only 1 year, 9 months and 4 days.. And I cannot remember what life was like without him. Oh my little Elliot! You’re one already?!

You were always chill, even in my tummy. Thank you for an easy pregnancy!

You were a big baby when you were born. All the nurses could not believe how a tiny Asian mama like me can push out a 9lb baby. But I knew God gave us a strong sturdy boy.

You pooped the jaundice away, and braved all the blood tests like a champ.

When others asked me who you resemble, I always answer, “your sister”. You do! The shape of your face, your eyes, when you sit in the high chair, the way you both hate bibs and the crib. You’re also revealing quite a little temper – which is great because you’re no pushover!

Your smiles and giggles are infectious, so we let you get away when you showered us with squirts or tore daddy’s books. You’re an observant explorer, watching closely, imitating and getting into all sorts of new territory. You’re a careful adventurer, you want us to hold your hands as you lead the way. You’re an excellent communicator with your royal hand wave, stretched arms and finger point, oh and of course your cries too.  You’re getting playful, teasing us with your gurgles and peek-a-boos. You’ve started to sing but I wish you’ll coo “mama” soon!

God was kind, we were not first time parents when we had to experience a backful of eczema, hand foot mouth and roseola virus (103F fever and puking). You’ve strengthened our constitution and made me a medical online sleuth.

All these precious nothings and little somethings, they mean the world to me. I am so thankful to God for a little slice of heaven every time you are around me, when you rest your head on me, snuggle up in bed beside me, cling on to me like a koala and hug me. You make me feel more for all the babies out there without a home, you make me pray more because nothing is for granted, you make me love being your mummy. I love you Elliot! Keep growing in the love and fear of the Lord! 

Birthday album

October milestones

There has been so many milestones this month, and I can’t leave one of my favorite months without a page.

Oct 6 – I turned 35, and am possibly nearing the halfway point for this life’s journey on earth. I have gotten into the habit of taking the day off, because I wanna find every reason to celebrate – with fanfare or quiet peace. It’s always worth breaking the routine, taking a pause and living life a little differently.

Standing where I am, I wish I had more close girl friends and my sister around me. And having my parents closer so I can be around them more. But the void is so fully filled by three of the best gifts God has ever given to me, and a church family that I am loving more and more. I cannot be more thankful to my Heavenly Father for His extraordinary grace.

How could I not leave my work behind to look into those hazel eyes

For the widest smile in the world to greet me

His enthused kicking feet and waving arms

For the song she wants to sing me

And the dance she wants to twirl around for me

For the safe place his presence is

How could I not leave the cares of the world behind

Nothing shall pull me away from simply being in ordinary grace

**

Oct 11 – Mya turned 3, and I took the afternoon off (again!) to hang out with her. And then we had a blast at her Dora themed birthday party. We are so blessed to have both family and friends around. And I am again floored by how abundantly God has blessed us with joy through this little girl. A few notes to self:

• Haircut: I think I’m gonna make it a tradition that the kids get a haircut on their birthdays.
• Party idea: Good to have games that both adults and children can play, and candy on cake is always a good idea.
• Cooking lesson: Don’t take the cake out of a hot pan! That was how I ended up with cake pops.

**

Oct 17 – Arthur and I dated for 10 years! I love hearing him tell the story of how he was so nervous the entire day asking me to date him that he got sick, and then between his muffled lines of asking me to go out with him knowing that he was interested, I just said “ok, I’m ready to be your girlfriend!”. And 10 years on, here we are..

**

And then the colossal curveball of a life changing news. My heart aches. Seeing the filth of sin up close and the stains that it leaves. How can God bear to love a filthy sinner and wash me/things clean? If He had not come down from heaven to the depths of humanity, or went through the depth of sorrow, or went down to the depths of the earth, how shall I believe that He can reach down to the depths to rescue and redeem our hearts? He did and can and shall!

This song has been an encouragement to me during this time, and I hope it will be for you too.

August rush

Mya’s tween days are starting too early..

Overheard:

“Leave me alone!” (I don’t think we say this to her, do we??!! Time for reflection..)

“I’m xxx (doing something). Please do not disturb me.”

***

Her favorite song these days is the “Princess song” that she made up.

“I’m a beautiful princess!

Mummy got me some presents!

Mummy told me to swim across the pool!”

Each line ends with a high pitch note at the end. And for the record, I did not tell her to swim across the pool.

***

Mya is teaching Na-Na Sylvia Chinese these days, so Na-Na told me.

Except, it’s “Chinese words” from Mya’s dictionary, delivered with a straight face.

“What’s good morning in Chinese?”

“Hong2-gu2.”

“What’s strawberry in Chinese?”

“Hong2-kah1.”

It’s hard for me to keep a straight face and teach my little pixie Chinese!

***

It’s yet another milestone today for my little Elliot. He’s no longer just rolling around to get to places. He’s kicking and inching forward. Next milestone: army crawl!

***

And thank you Yee-Yee for coming to hang out with us. These “ordinary” days are extraordinary because of you.

Miss Independent

My precious miss Mya is providing me with much comic relief, awesome wonder, exasperated worries and tears these days. Here are a couple of her quotable quotes…

“I want to do it myself” – one of Mya’s pet phrase of late. Climbing into her car seat, getting up and down the bus for church, squeezing her toothpaste, opening the door of the fridge, climbing up onto the bathroom sink, reaching for something on the top shelf (she would reverse any attempts to make the object easier to reach, and then go for it again herself)… No, don’t help me! I'm Miss Independent!

“Don’t cut it!” – Mya likes her apple, pear, strawberry, orange, bread… whole. Don’t even try giving her half of a banana, she will go bonkus. She went through an entire bag of apples all by herself, biting into each one of them and refusing to let me slice even one.

“Three more … ok?” – M&Ms, raisins, Kai-Lan, Dora, Veggie Tales… She says it with her voice slightly raised and big eyes rolled upwards and sideways at “ok?”, like Miss-know-it-all. Like any toddler, it does not really stop at 3. She is getting pretty good at negotiating.  

“That’s Mya’s Daddy” – Mya blurted out when she saw Arthur hold Elliot one evening.

“How about let’s leave Didi in the crib?” – In midst of all the hugs and kisses that she showers on Elliot and her wanting to hold and burp him; a sure sign that the transition to being an older sister is not all roses.

“Don’t leave me Mummy…” – This one got to me instantaneously when she first said this, shortly after i came back with Elliot. I missed time with Mya throughout the 9 months of pregnancy, and then had to be gone to deliver, and then be gone again for the bilirubin saga… I wasn’t the only one who noticed. This is used more recently when she wants me in her room when she goes to bed.

“I am a beautiful princess..” – she sings, twirling round and round in the living room. Yes, you are my beautiful princess, precious. Don’t grow up too fast now, I love you!

The first month...

Happy One Month Elliot! I love you to bits.

I love the way you hang on me like a koala, the way you study the things around you, how expressive you are when you’re hungry or uncomfortable – all the tiny and big noises that you make, how you're on the verge of smiling, how you love nursing, how you perk up at your daddy's voice…

And as much as I love you now, I look forward to loving more of you and getting to know you better as you grow. I love you, buddy!

I started this post (below) in the first week of Elliot’s birth but never got around to finishing it in time. Although the content might seem dated now, it seems fitting to remember at this milestone...

Bilirubin Saga

Even when we were in the midst of it, I knew this was just going to be a small blip in the big scheme of things. However, it did not stop me from wrenching when I saw how much blood they had to draw from Elliot’s little feet for the bilirubin tests; or bursting into tears when I got a call from the doctor to go back into the hospital with the newborn for phototherapy, just a day after being discharged.

Once we got in, it was a continuous cycle of being in the “UV incubator” for 2-3 hours, nursing/feeding for 15-3o min (I tried to sneak in as much time to hold Elliot as I can, but the nurses kept me on task), changing diapers, checking vitals, and drawing blood every 6 hours; for the next 40+ hours.

There was a short reprieve when Arthur came with Mya and my mother for a visit. We were able to sneak in watching “Big Hero Six” and “Inside Out”. It would have been harder to bear if not for the visit and supportive nurses. Thank you God for working everything out!

This saga gave me a newfound respect for parents who have to go through harder things with their children. I don’t know how they do it. I am sure God will give us what we need to rise to the occasion, but I don’t know how I am going to stomach stitches, broken bones, surgeries, … And my heart broke when I saw pictures of a refugee feeding her son with a milk bottle on the ground. This sure sets waking up every 2-3 hours in perspective!

Squirt

Nick Parker (The Parent Trap) called his daughter Haley “Squirt”. It was cute and I contemplated that as a nickname for Elliot for a while, especially since the movie is one of Arthur and my all-time faves and we watched it together when we were in the hospital for Elliot’s birth.

That is, until the “projectile motion” caught me by surprise. Needless to say, it was nixed as a possible nickname contender as it proved to be too loaded and close for comfort.  

The sweetest little gift

It's a boy!

We found out today that we're having a boy!
There is a feeling of unsettledness in midst of the joy.
And i know that's precisely why
God has given to us this little guy.

A reminder to trust Him more than we think we need,
Holding tightly to His hand in this unfamiliar terrain.
"What will I do with a boy? How will I raise a man?"
(Not that we have the answers for Mya)
We'll try to follow and rest, as He unfolds His plan!

A few days back i thought, God knows who we need.
Prayed, for me to not have a will and Yours be done.

And so here's this little boy, His gift!

Already driving me to my knees. 

We love you little buddy,

And can't wait to hold and cuddle you tightly,

To laugh and weep ourselves silly,

For you are given and knitted, 

By our most wonderful Daddy.

Random pickings from Mya’s little life

Guess what Mya’s favorite vegetable is these days. “Raaadish, raadish, radish!” And like any "typical Asian" kiddo, seaweed is a close second.

What was an attempt to use up the Daikon radish in the fridge, became a huge win with Mya. I simply boiled the radish with carrots in a chicken, pork and canpoy stock. I would say it’s delicious though Arthur would probably beg to differ. Thankfully, Mya agreed with me. It was a “small price to pay” for me to share the soup with her, as I was on cloud nine with her getting closer to fulfilling her vegetable quota for the day.

As for seaweed, she likes it on its own, she likes it on her porridge. She likes the big sheets as well as the little crumbles. "Sweed? seweed? Seaweed? Please?"

***

I was told it was going to happen, and it finally did. Twice now. Mya fell down on her face, bruised her upper lip and sustained some loss of blood. Thankfully I only got to see the swollen lip and dried blood after the fact, and she healed pretty quickly both times. Still, there was a little aching in my heart to see her “injury” and know that this will not be the last time she’ll be hurt and I will not be able to protect from the pain in this life.

Up, please!

We’re trying to teach Mya “please” and “thank you” these days. It’s been a progression from teaching her to raise her hands in the air, to say “up!” and now to suffix a “please” when she wants to be picked up. She’s caught on but not without a few weeks of resistance. Oh child, if only you knew the power of these magic words!

“Up please!”

“Ok Mya!” And she’s elevated off the ground into our arms.

I’ve forgotten the beauty of this seemingly mundane action until I was reminded by Tenth Avenue North at a concert recently.

**

Arthur, Min and I went to the Chris Tomlin and Tenth Avenue North concert at Willow Creek on Friday night. It was our first outing without Mya in the last few months, thanks to Gina for baby-sitting. Even though I was a sick puppy, my soul was well nourished; and I left a bigger fan of these brothers in Christ than I was entering.

It was good and necessary to be reminded of God’s majesty, splendor, greatness, love and grace. How easily the human mind forgets – 

the God of angel armies is for us and who shall be against us; 

His hands that hold the stars also hold our weak feeble hearts; 

the staggering grace when His love ran red so our sins can be washed white; and that 

He loves us, He loves us, He loves us.

These are truths I know in my head, and have somehow made small overtime in my heart. God knew what I needed to be shaken out of my bird brain and chicken heart.

Back to the subject at hand, Tenth Avenue North had us raise our hands during one of their songs. Mike said (something to this effect), “We’re not raising our hands to show off or anything. We’re raising our hands because this is what a child does when he/she wants to be picked up by his/her father.”

Yes Heavenly Daddy, Up please!

**

May I not forget that I am that little child wanting and needing to be picked up by my Heavenly Father, each time I see Mya’s eyes looking up expectantly at me.

May I know the tenderness that God has for me, that is a million times more than what I feel towards Mya in my best moment. And at my worst, let me not take for granted Mya’s dependence and affection, and always treasure this beauty that will not last forever.

May I always be that little child being dependent on the Father, coming to Jesus and living in the Spirit always. God, up please!

Up please!

Happy 1st Birthday, Mya!

I still have the picture that our friend Andrew took of Mya at her birth as my desktop picture. She’s one year old now, and very different from that swaddled baby. But a part of me is resisting changing that picture. My feeble attempt to hold on to a fast fading past.

She was so little! She fitted right into our arms. She hated tummy time. She could not hold her head up. She was a little yellow. We had to give her a sponge bath and wash her hair in the sink.

And now, she is tottering around – walking and talking (or babbling). She even tried to walk backwards and sideways these two days! She finds her way into things and problem solves (like standing on a box of crackers to reach for the top shelf). She is such a little person, a little lady, and maybe a little drama queen.

Where did that little baby go? Yes, she’s still a baby now. But there are moments that have gone and will never return. It might be an oxymoron, but I’m living nostalgia so often with her.

I need to remember that, each time I’m tempted to work or do household chores instead of sitting to read to her or play with her. Always the busy Martha, guilty as charged.

Like marriage, parenthood has a way of shining light into our biggest weaknesses and self-centeredness. Sure, I don’t want to spoil Mya or raise a narcissist; but I can’t deny not doing what’s best for her at each moment – like not repeating words enough, or sticking with signing more.

I always say, “at some point, she will start talking or sleeping through the night or …” But it struck me today that if I did not help her grow or develop, how would she?

How can I feel so full and yet so inadequate with her at the same time?

Oh Mya, Mya. You have filled many pages of my fondest memories in the past year – pages that you will never know about and pages that I might/will forget. Since it’ll not be possible on this side of eternity, I hope that God will somehow allow us to relive/review them together when we are in heaven together.

I look forward to writing more stories with you together in the next year.

Happy Happy First Birthday, sweetheart! I love you so very very much. 

p/s: Thanks Andrew, for another awesome picture!

Lessons Mya taught #5 & 6

There are 2 firsts that Mya experienced today – first haircut at the salon, and first time tumbling down the stairs.

I wondered if she’ll be “her mother’s daughter” and enjoy going to the salon. As a first timer, and with a little help from a Sesame Street video, there was some fussing and protests – but not a whole lot and not the whole time. A good possibility that she might grow into it, don’t you think? Hopefully she’ll like her next outing at the home salon better.

The second first leads me to the next lesson.

Lesson #5 – I’m there to catch you when you fall

“Oh Mummy, look! I’m going up the stairs again. You’re gonna stop talking to Grandma and come after me right?”

“Oh! You’re not coming? Ok I’m going up…”
“Are you coming? Oh oh …." (pom, pom, pom...)
“You caught me! Hmm.. ok. I guess you were waiting for me down here. Let’s try again. Up I go…”

My heart still tightens when I think about Mya’s tumble. But the fearless one proved that was no more than a little restart to her conquest of the stairs. I’m sure the carpet and me catching her before she hit the ground helped.  Still, she reminded me that not every fall has to hurt so bad or end up in wails; especially when someone’s there to catch you. Falling ain’t that bad, when there’s someone to break the fall.

I will not always be able to catch Mya in time, and she may not always find cushion for her tumbles. But I know that there is Someone who will always catch her when she falls. Physically, emotionally, mentally, morally, and in every other conceivable way – she may fall, but she is safe. The big wide safety net that the Father casts over and under His children will always be there for His children. Thank you Lord!

Lesson #6 – Tough love

We’re trying to sleep train Mya – so that she can sleep on her own through the night. The obstinate little one has tried puking, wailing for almost an hour and simply playing in her crib to wear us down. Some efforts work better than the others – puking for instance, gets instantaneous reaction.

“But child! We are committed to helping you sleep better ok? It’s for your own good! You don’t understand now, that’s ok. Just know that we love you, and we hear you; even when you don’t see us in your room. It’s hard, we know; but it’s hard for us too. Let’s keep trying ok?”

It takes so much to train and discipline a child! Tough love is tough not only on the recipient, but also the giver. Only God in His holy love can love as the Perfect Parent – knowing when tough love is needed, what the best vehicle is, to not be swayed back and forth out of “soft-heartedness”, to respond appropriately in every situation, to not “feel bad/guilty” for doing too much or too little or too late, to not be insecure about parenting.
What if God did not relate to us as a Father? What hope do parents have to parent well, without Him as a role model and be the Perfect Parent to our kids when we fail?

And thank you Lord for loving us enough to discipline your children. Don’t take your rod and your staff and your storm away, ever.

Jesus, don't You keep me from that storm
I wanna walk that sacred ground;
For You are Master of it all
And I am but a lost and found.

~ Lost and Found, Robin Mark (one of my favorite songs, ever)

How can I...

How can I hold her tighter
How can I kiss her more
How can I cuddle her closer
How can I love her more

How can I squeeze her tighter

How can I tickle her more
How can I hug her closer
How can I love her more

Maybe when she’s older

Maybe when there’s more of her
Maybe after we’ve shared a thousand giggles
Maybe after we've hurt each other a million times
Maybe I’ll know then what I cannot imagine now
I can love her so much more

Happy 5 months, Mya! Our lives have been brighter because of you. We love you so very very much!

 

 Wahahahaha.. :)