Summer Sabbatical 2022

My second Sabbatical formed the bookends of this summer. The first half was spent mostly in Singapore playing tourist in my home country, and the second half in Chicago playing stay-at-home mom. The first half felt more productive, mainly because I was able to help Daddy and Mummy declutter that one room; and the second half had me starting a bunch of projects that sit unfinished on this last day of my Sabbatical. What I enjoyed most of this Sabbatical though, was just being able to give some more time to my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister (wish I did more!), friend and church member. All things I prize more than being a responsible worker and manager. With days becoming shorter and the clock ticking, I’ll have to better allocate time, energy and mental space to things that matter more for eternity. How easy it is to get caught up in the hum-drum of work, and I am thankful that this Sabbatical helped me slow down and reminded me to prioritize the important.

 **

“Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds.. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19

We need time to sit at home with our children, to walk along the road with them, to lie down with them and get up with them; how else are we to teach our children the Word of the Lord? And the few moments that are most precious to me this summer were precisely that.

Elliot did not make it very far on our Saturday morning jog when he had to stop. A dead bunny by the roadside sucked the spring out of his steps. With his head drooped and his feet trudging, he barely eeked out the words when I ran back to him, “I am so sad Mommy”. And a conversation about our eternal hope in Christ ensued. There was no assurance of the bunny making it into heaven; but we prayed and thanked God for the hope that we have- that one day, there will be no more death, sadness and tears when we are with Him in the new heaven and new earth. And then he ran again. But it was not long before another conversation about money interrupted my plans to be healthy that morning.

“I did not used to be like that Mommy…” Mya rubbed her eyes we lay down beside each other on her bed. Earlier that evening, the older one went bananas over my comment about Elliot having a 40 minute long bus ride each way to school. “You only care about Elliot! Oh poor Elliot! You think I have an easy bus ride?” I pointed out the mean, ugly heart that the jealousy stemmed from; and she hid herself in the bathroom to calm down. She did not want to hear a sermonette that night, but I was glad to lay beside her and tell her “I was and I am like that too.”

Having the chance to send the kids off to school in the morning, and being home to welcome them when they get back is precious. Instead of getting ready for work or being already gone on the train, I get to see these little ones board their school bus and tell them that I love them as they go off to learn about and face that big world out there. And being around to hear about their day when they get home, prepping snacks and spontaneous sushi dinners together just makes my heart full. I want to be here to tell them that they do not have to sneak around for more screen time in the dark, warn them of pressures they'll face at school and remind them to be little lights for Jesus whenever they can. 

And as we sit down for family worship in the evenings, it was wonderful to take time to breathe and rest together. There were no activities to rush to after dinner, and no other place we had to be other than there beside each other – reading, singing hymns and praying together.

***

I have so enjoyed TGC’s Good Faith debates. So thankful to the Lord for this group of like-minded brothers and sisters whom I don’t know personally, but am so glad to call “my people, my tribe”!

Color

I thought I might escape unscathed

From the virus and the prejudice

I live a Democratic state I surmised

Among the learned liberals who will not bat an eye

To my color.

And then it happened along the frozen aisle

He saw me come and said “You stay away!”

Like I was the plague that passed him by

He turned to face the freezers and shook his head

At this person of color.

It is on them, I shall not be mad

I will take the high ground and not react

I barely settled in the car when I felt a knife twist in my heart

He left more than a scare on me

And how I wear my color.

This is nothing compared to the headlines

He was beaten by the police

He was shot unjustly

He was accused and molested via a body search

Because of his color.

This is nothing compared to history

They had to sit behind on the bus

They had to use different bathrooms

They could not eat at the same restaurant

For they had a different color.

Yet we still do it to one another, color to color

One might be a victim and to another a perpetrator

A stare, a snub, a step aside

Words, violence, genocide

Reactions to colors.

Lord haste the day when You will come

When we shall all be as one

When we will see each other through your eyes

Beautiful, dignified, treasured

Because of Christ.

Colors of the wind

As with most things, I’m often late to the game. Late to catch the joke, late to the reckoning, and late to feeling something.

A few weeks ago, there I was late to the farewell party. The party were sharing stories about horrible summer jobs and trading laughs. I enjoyed the tales and the food, happy not to be called upon. I think. And then D walked into the room, also late to the party. Soon after, M filled him in on the conversation topic and G asked him to contribute.

The conversation then turned into donkey meat. G thought it was a famous Korean delicacy. H, a Korean, said no – it’s likely the Chinese. “Korean, Chinese, they’re all about the same. You Asians look alike.”
I looked at he whom I considered a friend at work, “Did you seriously just say that?”
“I don’t mean to be racist, but can you tell apart Japanese, Korean and Chinese?”

This exchange inevitably threw shade on my first experience. Was I a fly on the wall? Did I exist? Am I my own person?

***

In light of what we celebrated on MLK day last month, it stung. It’s been hard being an Asian woman at work recently. So often I am the only woman in the room, the only Asian in the room, the only Asian woman at the table. On most days, I like to “be a big girl” and not “sweat the small stuff”. But it makes me sad that I cannot see a different future. How can I educate the privileged about their blind spots? How can I address this without coming across as being petty or playing the victim card? What is the Christian response to this?

Even though I shared with the kids about how MLK changed the world, and how fortunate we are to be living at this time; the feeling that the same problems still exists, nagged at me. It was there between the Jews and the Gentiles, the slaves and the masters. It was there between men and women, black and white. It is still here today. We can push the envelope with a female Santa, Captain Marvel, Black Panther and Fresh off the Boat. Yet the conversation continues.

Some say keeping the conversation going is the point. But doesn’t the need for conversation mean that the matter is not resolved? I’m not saying to stop talking about it, but I want to move past that. I don’t want to fight for my rights. I don’t want to prove my worth twice as hard. I don't want to hear snide remarks when I'm working from home so I can go to my children's class parties.

I want to see differences acknowledged and celebrated. I want to see everyone treated fairly and given equal chances (and pay checks for that matter). I want to see that a black sheep does not make the whole herd grey. I want to see women helping one another, and not tearing each other down.

***

God saw Hagar, God grafted Ruth into the Messiah’s family tree, Esther saved the entire nation, Jesus sought out the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha. And God grafted me, the foreign woman, in. There is hope yet. Perhaps not fully in this world, but in the one to come. And may God help me remember, at times when I’m on the other side.

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

1917 N Spruce Terrace

It was unexpectedly emotional when the “For Sale” sign was put up in front of our current home – 1917 N. Spruce Terrace, AH IL 60004. I was not there when they did it, but tears streamed down my cheeks when Arthur called to inform me. Had I been there, every inch they sunk the peg into the ground, would have been an inch a nail was hammered into my heart.

It was again unexpectedly emotional when our realtor texted us that the couple who bought our house are excited about it. The house closed today. I was not there when they signed the papers, but tears welled up in my eyes. I felt every ounce of pain that Mya had within her when we said goodbye to the house. She was inconsolable, hugging our favorite tree, kissing the last wall before we walked out the door, for good.

This is the first house Arthur and I “owned”. I remembered vividly praying that God would use this space that He has blessed us with, and He answered that prayer in ways more than what we could have asked for. Families coming for months or a weekend, friends here to hang out or stay for a while, strangers becoming friends, friends making this home their own, gatherings, lunches, dinners, life group meetings, birthday parties. God has blessed us with much rich fellowship, laughter and tears in this little home. Memories made and deeply treasured. We are humbled that God has entrusted this space to us for the last 4 years.

This is the house in which Mya lived most of her life to-date, and that’s the only home Elliot has ever known. This is where they learnt to walk and talk, dressed-up and played make-believe, rode kitchen chairs trains and cardboard boats, got time-outs and spankings, read countless books, somersaulted, straddled on the ceiling, fought and giggled, laughed uncontrollably. They fell in love with playing outside here – swinging and kicking balls in the backyard, riding their bike, car and scooter on the sidewalk, playing with the water table, going to the park, climbing trees. God has blessed them with so many moments of fun in the neighborhood. We are so thankful for that.

We will remember our neighbors – Nancy, Wendall and Rosalee. Even though they’ve really enjoyed having us (especially Arthur), they will spur us to be better neighbors in the future.

This has been quite a journey for us. Leaving behind what we once loved, moving forward to a place unknown (kinda), learning anew what is temporal and permanent, cherishing what we have and had. We pray the same prayer that God will use our new space for His work and His people, that it will be a place of rest and refreshment for the sojourners and that we will steward it for His glory!  

Eternity under the Christmas tree

Experienced a little piece of eternity with Mya tonight as we were putting up ornaments on the Christmas tree.

I was trying to explain to Mya that I try to make 2 similar pieces of ornaments with the kids' pictures each year. This is so that when she grows up and have a home and tree of her own, she can have one of these ornaments; and i would still have one of them. She teared up and gave me a hug, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, how can i let my little girl go? And of course i thought of my mummy, who bore to let her little girl go.

Mya likes making things for me. I told her tonight that she does not have to make anything for me, i just want her. And she mumbled something along the lines of making something for me after I die. And then she teared up and squeezed me tight, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, does my 4 year old know what death is already? Did her heart have this sharp ache like mine?

And then i got to tell her one of the best things ever.. That if we both hold onto Jesus, even when i die, it's just a short little goodbye. And that's why He came, at Christmas time.

Goodbye my friend

I’ve putting off this blog post for some time. Because it is hard to believe that he is gone. I am jealous of the memories that we shared and had, and it is almost as if I’m giving a piece of me to share them with another…

My friendship with Jung-Min started almost a decade ago, in the summer of 2006. We were both sent to Beijing by Thomson Reuters to set up the data operations center there, alongside many others. It was a unique season.

In our first weekend there, we explored the ancient city together. I remember sizing up this big Korean guy and wondered if he was “any good”.

To my delight, I found that he liked to eat and talk, did not mind me getting us lost and was married. I knew then that this friend was a keeper.

Plus, he was really easy to please. For him, ordinary food tasted great, great cuisine tasted “ this is AMAZING!” and amazing delicacies were “this is AWESOME!” Food always tasted better around him. Even 10 years later, he still talked about the noodles we had for our very first hotpot together. He is such sentimental person who takes great delight in simple things.

Living in the same service apartment, taking cabs to and from work, working out and hanging out with Min and Erin daily was good fun. There is never a shortage of good stories from him and with him.

Very early on, Min made it his mission to chaperone my love life. He would often ask “Do you have a boyfriend?” I would always say “no” and he would look like a sad puppy. And then he would ask again a few days later. I guess things tend to happen fast with him.  

Finally, one day I said to him, “maybe.. would you like to vet him for me?” He looked like he hit the jackpot. And of course the rest is history.

Some might have questioned my wisdom in asking Min, coz he’s not the most disagreeable person. But I knew he loved me as a friend. That’s enough, and he clearly did right by me. J  

Min was so generous with us. Be it over-ordering at every meal, paying for many expensive meals (Peter Luger, Trump Towers, Carmichael steak, Korean), treating our families even when we were not there sometimes (in Beijing, New Jersey and Chicago), buying us our first grill and keurig, etc. We all created so many fun memories together.. Even Medieval times!

Working alongside him in TR and Morningstar over the last 10 years was great. He was my best friend at work. I’ve not had one before him, and I’m not sure I will have another one after him, and I don’t know if I ever want another.

We were confidantes, honest with each other, always wanting the best for each other, always having each other’s back. He was my advocate during the early turbulent months of transition to M*, and taught me how precious it is that Jesus is my advocate.

He was also a wild card and it’s hard to predict what would come out of his mouth. I affectionately say, “he asked the most inappropriate questions” and say the “darnest things”.

He had this positive energy that was infectious, and everything was a “can-do-it” with him, no matter how difficult the task at hand was, even when he was fighting his epic battle with MDS.

Another precious yet difficult memory is reading “Reason for God” with and talking to him about faith over lunches. It was hard for a “good person like him” to believe that God will not allow him to heaven, or his “all-inclusive attitude” to accept that that there is only one straight and narrow path.

It is heartbreaking to know that though he understood the Gospel, he could not accept it; and that meant that there will always be a division between us when it came down to what mattered most.

He welcomed and found comfort in our prayers, when we processed the difficult news about his health over the last 2 years. I pray pray pray hard that somehow Jesus got through to him during those times. That in the deepest place of his heart, even when he could not longer speak, he had cried out to Jesus and accepted Him as Lord and Savior. Please Jesus, please?

I heard this song for the first time in church today. I’m not able to share the hope in this song with him when he was alive, I just hope that somehow, this is true for him in eternity. This might be another song I’d like for my funeral some day…

I miss you Min, very very very much. I love you, dear friend. Goodbye…