Happy 10th Birthday, Elliot!

 Happy belated birthday, Elliot.

You’re 10 years old! How did the decade just fly us by.

I remember so vividly the first few days, when you came out all bruised. And then we had to return to the hospital again for your UV treatment for bilirubin. All the pricking on your little heel for the tests. Sometimes I wonder if those early days of physical scars somehow scarred your heart too.

This past year, you’ve given me so much and helped me grow. Though I sometimes feel inadequate and unsure if I’m doing right by you as your mother, I know that God has given us to each other and you drive me to Him. You keep me grounded and expose my sin, and remind me of my constant need of Jesus. I have fears and worries about how you’ll turn out, I can only pray that by His grace and mercy, He’ll save you and give you faith, so you’ll grow to be the man that God has made you to be – in the image of Christ and not anyone else. Even though you may in your outward appearance look like Gong Gong, you will be so different inwardly because Jesus stepped into our family tree.

Because of you, I actually understand and enjoy American football now – after more than 15 years of living here in the US! It amazes me how much you know and remember about the stats and players, how you love talking about it and playing with Daddy all the the time. And your first touch-down in the fall season. What a day that was! Your athleticism and passion for sports is something I admire. I pray you’ll grow more in sportsmanship and in the many lessons God can teach us through sports!

Your friendship with River and Luke is rather precious to me, and watching you play so easily with Brayden and other (6-7) kids warms my heart. Your exasperation with “bossy girls” makes me giggle, but you can be so sweet to them too. I pray you’ll grow to be a good friend like Jonathan was to David, and that God will bless you with godly friends who will spur you on toward love and good deeds.

You enjoy Jane Austen movies because of Mya, and I think K-pop demon hunters, Percy Jackson, Greek mythology, Zombies, Six the musical and boy bands were somewhat her influence too. Watching old videos of you both – you were always watching her, following her and wanting to copy her. Even some of your mannerisms, are mirror images of her. Love each other well, as you grow up together. Even though you like to press each other buttons, I pray that you’ll love one another all the days of your life.

You love to read, and are quite the reading machine. Whether it’s the Green Ember series, Harry Potter, graphic novels or the Action Bible, you get into the stories so much. I pray that the stories will help you see another point of view and step into the character’s shoes, to teach you empathy. And at the end of the day, to see His Story as the greatest adventure and love story of all.

You can be so tender hearted sometimes. Being sad when Spotty was lost, and wanting me to get you another Spotty. Adding Zeus the Panther and Puca the Ram to your bedtime buddies. Tearing up at the movie David. And then sometimes you can be such a tornado, ripping through your room! What is it that sets you off from 0 to 100, wouldn't you give us a chance to pause and talk? Thank you for the chance to circle back after the storm. I pray you'll grow in self-control and we can grow together in proportionate response. 

I love seeing you and Dad play. We both love you so much, and he loves you so so very well. Whether its soccer, football, basketball or hockey, you keep him moving! He works with you through your anger outbursts, reads to you, talks so patiently to you. I know it does not always feel like that, but I pray that as you look back on these days, you see a Dad who is lovingly devoted to provide a safe space for you to express all that you’re feeling, ask all that you’re wondering, and explore everything about manhood.

I’m sorry about the times when I lost my patience and my cool with you, or said things that might have hurt you. I pray that times of my intentional discipline will outnumber times when I was truly mad. Know that every no and correction, was done out of wanting the best for you. I love you so very much, son. You are part of this family, this tribe. There is nothing you did, do or will ever do, that will disqualify you ever – even you wanting out or running away.

We celebrated your double digit birthday at Bowlero with friends from church and school. I hope you had fun that day, and know that you have people around you who wants to celebrate with you – for you are fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. I love you, my little man.

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked, or stand in the way that sinner take, or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on His law day and night. That person is a like a tree planted by streams of water ,which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction. ” ~ Psalm 1

Happy Belated Birthday Elliot

 Dearest Elliot,

Happy 9th birthday! We celebrated your birthday by going to a Virtual Reality Experience and Gordon Ramsay's burger - where you got to indulge both your love for burgers and football. Happy birthday son, you are so precious to us. 

These years seem to be getting more and more difficult, and I find myself helpless on how to parent you. Whether it's your flippant attitude, piercing words, cheeky twerks, anger outbursts, hurtful actions, disrespectful behavior and unknown triggers of shame... I'm struggling. Perhaps i am overly critical or annoying, or that I try too hard. Between not wanting to over-react, but also not wanting you to think that these things are ok because they are not, and wanting to hold you to a high standard to the man you can be - I find myself most worried about how both you and Mya would turn out, and whether I would fail you as a mother. I worry about relinquishing too much authority or responsibility.

Thankfully, you have a father who is ever so patient, compassionate and loving. He lets you be you. He knows you deeply and shows compassionate, unconditional love. Yet, he also disciplines you. I know you love him so much and fear him too. And we have a God, who is my only source of hope at the end of the day - who made you, formed you, and holds you in His hands. And so if the best thing I can do is to be so weak so His strength can be made perfect in my weakness, then that shall be my boast. 

You've made so much progress in dealing with being in the tornado zone. You know when to step away to calm yourself down. You get over things faster and you don't let things fester. You speak your mind and wear your heart on your sleeve. I love how this is so evident in your prayers.

And despite all that you say about and do to Mya, I know that you love her, look up to her and tries to keep up with her. You delighting in Wicked before the movie came out, belting out to Backstreet Boys songs, reading books that Mya did; all show Mya's influence on you.

Your love for sports and natural athletic abilities marvels me. Coming home from the book fair with the NFL posters for your wall and ceiling, all the stats and names you have in your head, and how your day high and lows are tied to your games at recess. 

I love you son, so much. I cannot wait to see how God will continue to mold and shape you, to His glory and praise. I pray God will make you His own, that you will come to know and love and serve Him with all your heart, and that He will help me love you well. 

Summer Sabbatical 2022

My second Sabbatical formed the bookends of this summer. The first half was spent mostly in Singapore playing tourist in my home country, and the second half in Chicago playing stay-at-home mom. The first half felt more productive, mainly because I was able to help Daddy and Mummy declutter that one room; and the second half had me starting a bunch of projects that sit unfinished on this last day of my Sabbatical. What I enjoyed most of this Sabbatical though, was just being able to give some more time to my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister (wish I did more!), friend and church member. All things I prize more than being a responsible worker and manager. With days becoming shorter and the clock ticking, I’ll have to better allocate time, energy and mental space to things that matter more for eternity. How easy it is to get caught up in the hum-drum of work, and I am thankful that this Sabbatical helped me slow down and reminded me to prioritize the important.

 **

“Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds.. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19

We need time to sit at home with our children, to walk along the road with them, to lie down with them and get up with them; how else are we to teach our children the Word of the Lord? And the few moments that are most precious to me this summer were precisely that.

Elliot did not make it very far on our Saturday morning jog when he had to stop. A dead bunny by the roadside sucked the spring out of his steps. With his head drooped and his feet trudging, he barely eeked out the words when I ran back to him, “I am so sad Mommy”. And a conversation about our eternal hope in Christ ensued. There was no assurance of the bunny making it into heaven; but we prayed and thanked God for the hope that we have- that one day, there will be no more death, sadness and tears when we are with Him in the new heaven and new earth. And then he ran again. But it was not long before another conversation about money interrupted my plans to be healthy that morning.

“I did not used to be like that Mommy…” Mya rubbed her eyes we lay down beside each other on her bed. Earlier that evening, the older one went bananas over my comment about Elliot having a 40 minute long bus ride each way to school. “You only care about Elliot! Oh poor Elliot! You think I have an easy bus ride?” I pointed out the mean, ugly heart that the jealousy stemmed from; and she hid herself in the bathroom to calm down. She did not want to hear a sermonette that night, but I was glad to lay beside her and tell her “I was and I am like that too.”

Having the chance to send the kids off to school in the morning, and being home to welcome them when they get back is precious. Instead of getting ready for work or being already gone on the train, I get to see these little ones board their school bus and tell them that I love them as they go off to learn about and face that big world out there. And being around to hear about their day when they get home, prepping snacks and spontaneous sushi dinners together just makes my heart full. I want to be here to tell them that they do not have to sneak around for more screen time in the dark, warn them of pressures they'll face at school and remind them to be little lights for Jesus whenever they can. 

And as we sit down for family worship in the evenings, it was wonderful to take time to breathe and rest together. There were no activities to rush to after dinner, and no other place we had to be other than there beside each other – reading, singing hymns and praying together.

***

I have so enjoyed TGC’s Good Faith debates. So thankful to the Lord for this group of like-minded brothers and sisters whom I don’t know personally, but am so glad to call “my people, my tribe”!

Happy Valentine's Day and Belated Birthday to my little valentines

 2 overdue birthday posts that doubles up as my Valentines' Day letter to my little ones this year. 

And of course a very Happy Valentine's Day to my earthly valentine whom I hope will be my best friend through all eternity, and to my Heavenly Valentine whom I long to meet face to face one day.

Happy 6^th Birthday, Elliot!

Dearest Elliot,

Six years old today! We had a few friends over – your classmate Freddy and our old neighbors Miles and Cole, for a playdate after school. Mya and I made you a Flash cake, and you were so excited about that. Your birthday is a special day and we are so glad that we get to celebrate you in a special way today!

As Daddy and I look at the pictures and videos of your first few years, I remember being worried about you not talking! You little mind was taking everything in – Daddy’s effusive expressions and tickling, Mya’s singing and talking, and Mummy’s reading and funny sounds. And now, you speak so clearly what’s on your mind – be it when you’re praying or playing, angry or happy. Thank you for letting us know what you’re thinking and feeling, I pray that will not change – that even when you’re sixteen or thirty six, you’ll still let us know what’s on your heart.

Your “no-filter” is such a precious quality, especially when they come out in your prayer. I love to hear your pray. Your superlatives when you’re mad make me laugh and cry – “you will never see me again! I will not talk to you ever again!” Nothing you can say child, can make us love you less. Daddy and I pray for God’s wisdom to steward your honesty, and yet also teach you self-control and other centered-ness – that you will show us all how to own and speak the truth in love.

Your reckless abandon (and sometime destruction) is not because you don’t care though. You care deeply about what others think, which causes you to be embarrassed some times. I’m still trying to figure out if there is a specific trigger; and the best I can come up with is probably when your pride is wounded or when attention is drawn to you unexpectedly. Oh son, we’re still learning how best to parent  you every day. But my prayer is that you will learn the freedom of self-forgetfulness, to look and think of yourself less and more of Christ each day.

Now that you’ve started kindergarten and are learning Chinese, I like how you do the motions alongside the words! 大！小！力！I can’t wait to discover the passions and gifts God has given to you as you learn and grow in knowledge.

Speaking of knowledge, your knowledge of all things super-heroes has far surpassed me. You’re such a “boy’s boy”. Your love for superheroes, Ninjagos, the color blue (and Bluey), Star Wars, Sonic Boom and rappy loud music! You challenge my tastes and preferences, or should I say “expand my horizons.” You speeding around the house like the Flash, or kung-fu fighting the air, karate-kicking the walls and wrestling Daddy and Mya; are things that I’m going to try to enjoy now coz I know I’ll miss them when you grow up. You’re also cheeky and gross sometimes, I hope and pray you’ll enjoy all the gifts that God has given to us in God-honoring ways.

Beneath your “tough-guy” exterior is a precious tender heart. You were sad the other day after a dream about daddy dying; and after Pete’s Dragon last night, when you remembered Pete’s parents dying. And even though you enjoy frustrating your sister, your adoration for Mya is evident; taking after her interests in Narnia, Dragon Masters and wanting to follow her around.  

Oh son, I love you so very much! Daddy loves you, Mya loves you and King Jesus loves you most of all. I pray you’ll grow up loving Jesus and be a man after His heart; with noble character and honor; and shine brightly for Him every day.

Happy 8^th Birthday Mya!

Dearest Mya,

Happy Belated birthday! I’ve had this letter in the works now for so long, and it’s taken a long time to complete it – sorry sweetheart!

As I think about your 8^th year, I am amazed at how much you’ve learnt and developed. I’m torn between wanting to see how God is molding and shaping you, and not wanting you to grow up too quickly! Time is slipping through our hands so fast. I miss the little baby who refuses to sleep on her own and would cry till she threw up, the little toddler running in circles around the house, the little sister who would sing to her baby brother, the little mind who could memorize so many psalms… even till today! She’s growing up to be a little lady who has to start using facial wash, who enjoys spas and getting her nails done, and who likes dressing up a little to go on a date with her daddy.

Pride fills me up as I think about you starting 2^nd grade, writing mini Chinese essays. You learning piano and writing songs. You doing somersaults on the trampoline. You roller-blading and then being able to skate on the ice at first try. You can do so things I can’t my darling! Not to mention your natural dance moves, jokes, magic shows, family services and home video productions (Rapunzel! Queen Ester, …). Your ability to pick up lyrics also amazes me.

I love your creativity, boldness to try new things and fun-loving personality. When you get so excited about the rides at Six Flags; or a part in a movie, you cannot stop bouncing on the couch. You squeal and your eyes light up. I pray you’ll never lose that sense of wonder and spark in your eyes my dear. Each day and moment is a gift from the Lord to be enjoyed, and it fills Him up with so much delight to see His daughter embracing the gifts He has given.

This is also the year you fell in love with reading on your own. Daddy was waiting for this switch to be turned on. You have made him so happy. Our “reading and hair” time in the evenings are precious to me – not only because I can braid and try out hair styles on my real-live doll; but also because I get to learn about women who change the world with you, or get lost in another world with you, be it Narnia or a land with dragators.  

There have been a few difficult things and conversations this year too. With grades and teasing in school, unnecessary comparisons I make that hurt your feelings, concerns about 公公’s salvation, or just the daily reality of sin in us and the world. Sometimes, it makes you ask “Do you love me? Will you still love me?”

I want you to know Mya, that nothing will ever stop Daddy and me from loving you. Ever. Even when we hurt you or you hurt us, or when it seems to you that we don’t. We do and we will. Don’t give heed to the lies that Satan whispers in your ears – just as it did to Eve. God loves you and will always love you. We love you and will always love you. As you grow up, you’ll have more questions; the world will make you doubt yourself, God’s love and these truths that you grew up with.. But know my sweetheart of hearts, that He has us in His hands. “For neither heights nor depth, angels nor demons, nor can ever separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Happy Valentines and Belated Birthday my kiddos! You have my heart and always will.  

Price Caspian & The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I’ve been delightfully wrapped up in the world of Narnia, as I read the C.S Lewis classic to Mya and Elliot. Maybe it’s reading aloud, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I know the Bible better; the chronicles have become all the more precious, rich, layered and haunting at the same time. The stories hearken truths in the Scripture,  the words serve their purpose in the book but also point us to the meta reality – beyond Narnia, beyond England, beyond the reader’s world to the heavenly city in Aslan’s country. 

Just as Aslan said to Edmund at the end of “The Voyager of the Dawn Treader” - “This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.” Lewis has accomplished this purpose in spades. 

***

Here are 2 of my favorite moments in Price Caspian. 

“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger".

"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

Lucy has in fact grown bigger. Yet in God’s grace, Aslan seemed so much bigger. Aslan is the same, but Lucy now has clearer eyes to see. For as a child, we see as a child. The same could not be said for Peter, Susan and Edmund; who did not see Aslan initially. There were blinders in their eyes. The effect of age for one, grew eyes of faith to see how much greater God truly is; and yet for another, caused blindness and failure to see Him for who He truly is.

May I find you bigger with each year I grow Lord, and have eyes to see You for who You are.

**

“Hush!” said the other four, for now Aslan had stopped and turned and stood facing them, looking so majestic that they felt as glad as anyone can who feels afraid, and as afraid as anyone can who feels glad. … Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, “Susan…. You have listened to fears, child,: said Asland. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them Are you brave again?”

“And now, where is this little Dwarf, this famous swordsman and archer, who doesn’t believe in lions?” .. Aslan pounced. Have you ever seen a young kitten being carried in the mother cat’s mouth?

The dwarf flew up in the air. He was as safe as if he had been in bed, though he did not feel so. As he came down, the huge velvety paws caught him as gently as a mother's arms, and set him -- right way up, too -- on the ground.
"Son of Earth, shall we be friends?" asked Aslan.
"Ye-- uh, Yes," panted the dwarf, for he had not yet got his breath back.”

Susan throughout their journey to Aslan’s How refused to believe Aslan was with them and guiding them. She insisted on following her instincts and conventional wisdom, throwing shade on Lucy many a times. Trumpkin the Dwarf on the other hand, did not and refused to believe that Aslan is real and exists. Towards both, I shook my head many a times – “wait till you finally see Aslan! You will have your reckoning!”

Aslan’s reaction caught me offguard. And once again I was humbled and broken by grace. Aslan did not call them to account, not a chiding remark, not a single word about how wrong they have been. He just embraced them, helped them move past themselves towards a restored relationship with him. How foreign grace is to those who want justice, how little did I understand grace. Is He really that good?

 

***

I have been surprised how The Voyage of the Dawn Treader has captured my heart and imagination so deeply. Watching the motion movie for the first time might have something to do with it. But I think it’s because life is more like a journey with many twists and turns, ups and downs; than having everything lead up to that one epic confrontation or climactic battle. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader's pacing might be atypical and odd at first read, but then you find yourself reliving the journey many times after you close the book.  

**

“But who is Aslan? Do you know him?"
"Well-he knows me," said Edmund. "He is the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea, who saved me and saved Narnia.” …

“Then the lion said – but I don't know if it spoke – You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep and I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”

What a profound picture of the process of sanctification. Eustace became a dragon after having dragonish thoughts over treasure, he became what his heart treasured and he could not “un-dragon” himself. It is him surrendering to Aslan, letting Aslan do his work on him, that his scales were finally peeled away. And so it is for us - that Jesus has to come and peel away the idols that has enslaved us.

**

“Where sky and water meet. Where the waves grow sweet. Doubt not, Reepicheep, to find all you seek, there is the utter east.” …

“This,” said Reepicheep, “is where I go on alone.”.. Then he took off his sword (“I shall need it no more, “ he said) and flung it far away across the lilied sea…. Then he bade them goodbye, trying to be sad for their sakes; but he was quivering with happiness.

Throughout the voyage, Reepicheep had one goal – to go to Aslan’s country. He thought of it night and day, he sang of it, he would not be deterred even if he had to paddle and go on alone in his little coracle. All he wanted to do was to go to Aslan’s country. Oh, the joy he had when he finally found it! He threw off his trusty sword that accompanied him on many battles, despite the “unknown territory”, for he knew there was no more fighting in Aslan’s country. As much as he loved his friends, he was ready to leave them all behind; for all his life’s longing is now to be fulfilled before him.

I must confess that I’ve had many thoughts about what it would be like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death – there is some fear and trepidation and unshakable dread. On good days, the hope and joy of heaven and seeing Jesus helps lift the dark clouds away. But this noble little mouse, this little mouse with a lion’s heart, has challenged my love and longing for heaven. Perhaps, if my life’s goal and true longing is to go to be place where Jesus has prepared for us; perhaps, I might quiver with happiness as I take my final breath.  

***

Most people who know me, know that I love happy endings. But it's not just about happy endings, it is about certain, definite, sure, happy endings. When Aslan appears, the fight is over. There is certain victory. Light will triumph, darkness does not stand a chance. There is no faltering with my Hero from Heaven, He has won decisively and triumphantly. So why not happy endings?  

Happy Birthday Elliot!

 

Dearest Elliot, 

Happy birthday! How is it that you are 5 already? What a fun day we've had with friends dropping by for a quick visit, just to celebrate you. We hope you know how blessed you are by God, the friends He has given you is just a small glimpse of that. 

You have grown in so many ways this past year. Learning to sound out letters, ride your bike and scooter, roller blade, swim, memorize verses, use the Ipad (that did not take long) and more. 

It makes me smile to see you enjoying books - My Father's Dragon, Mr Popper's Penguin, The Wild Robot and the many superhero books from the library; your superhero knowledge vault has quadrupled in size this year! I love that you share some of my favorite foods - pandan cake, orh-nee pancake and squid, to name a few. It tickles me that you cannot stop trying long words like "Anti-disestablishmentarianism" (this is probably the first time i've ever typed the word), supercalifragilisticexpelidocious, Tiki-tiki-tambo-no-sar-rambo-chari-bari-ruchee-pik-peri-pambo. I love to see you at ninja class, battle with Daddy, batting balls in the playroom and running laps around the kitchen. It makes me so proud to hear you talking to your teachers, friends, doctors, adults, anyone really. I love how you play with Mya - in fair weather, rain or snow, dance to Dyanamite and Imitator Tots. It's cute how taken you are with Reepicheep. I love your cheeky grin, smile and spirit. I love you!

And it is in love, that I hope and pray. That God will choose you, save you, justify you, sanctify you and use you. That God will make you know Him, love Him, fear Him, serve Him and enjoy Him. That God will bless you with wisdom and many talents, to be His light and hands and feet in this world, serving others. That God will mold you in His likeness, and be a man of integrity and noble character. That God will give you a love for His Word, that you will meditate on it day and night, and be like the tree planted by streams of water, yielding fruit for the Lord in season. That He will keep you from evil and harm (Psalm 1). For this year specifically, I pray that God will give self control - over your anger and tame the tiger that is crouching at the door by His strength; over your desire for screen time and discover the world He has given you; and over your physical impulses.

You have also grown me and are growing me in many ways. To not sweat the scribbles on the wall, not blink twice at the messes and not balk at the food, mud, clothes, soap or what-have-you trails that you leave behind; yet, how do I train you to be responsible? To find beauty in the blue tornados you draw. To trust God when you fall, fracture your pinky or need stitches on your chin; I'm still trying to learn how to raise a boy to be wild and safe. To get to know your quirks and triggers for you are uniquely made - when you are not saying what you would do; I can't discipline you like i discipline Mya can I? To stop working and spend time with you, for these moments do not last forever. You show me every day God's steadfast love, and grow me every day as I think about our Father's love for us. 

I am humbled that God would entrust you with Daddy and me. I cannot wait to see the many ways God will grow you and me this coming year. I love you, son. Happy 5th birthday! 

4 days on my own

Arthur was in Kansas City last week for 4 days, and I nearly lost my mind. 4 days trying to juggle the kids and work, I became the mean witch so far from Mary Poppins.

Did I raise my voice and practically yelled at them? Check.

Did I say things I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Did I put them in front of a TV show more than I should have? Guilty.

Did I busy cleaning around the house instead of spending time with them? Uh-huh.

I felt like an utter failure. For not being able to enjoy my kids as much as I should have. For not being as patient with them as I should have. For saying the things I never wanted to say to them. For speaking in a volume I never wanted to speak to them in. For being a simmering volcano, with one too many eruptions. I was practically a high strung nut case. Feeling behind at work, feeling behind in parenting, feeling behind in home-making. Feeling behind in practically everything.

That is not to say the kids were innocent white doves while I went bersek. They were sinful children all right – testing their limits, procrastinating, lounging, talking back, being defiant, wanting to be the parent, all of the above. My sin does not absolve theirs, and their sin does not absolve mine. Oh, how long suffering and compassionate our Father in Heaven.

I always say that the stay-at-home-parent’s job is the hardest in the world. I knew it then, I know it now. My hats off to all you stay-at-home parents and all the single parents. I cannot do what you do. And God knew.

I am so thankful being a working mom, and so thankful to Arthur for being the one who juggles the demands of work and kids every single day. Thankful that my children forgive my failings and bear it like no one could; thankful knowing that I’m a sinful mother in need of as much grace as my little ones do.

I’m gonna do this again. Watch them on my own while Arthur is away. Lose my mind and fail again. But, I will rise to the challenge, I will. One day at a time. One ball at a time. One crumb at a time. One breath at a time. One mistake at a time. Holding on to each time I notice Him showing up in a very tangible way. And I know His grace will be sufficient, for us all.  

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!  

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

Of Little men and Fairies

March 17

And we thought that the leprechaun will not strike this year. Last year, Mya decided that the leprechaun was going to doodle on the walls. We woke up to doodles on the bathroom wall, bedroom wall and the family room wall. We got rid of the doodles only when it was time to sell the house. 

This year, we thought we will get-by by setting traps and making mini shamrocks for the little green man. But alas! Mya and Elliot thought it might be fun to have snow indoors on St. Patrick’s day. So they emptied 2 bottles of powder all over their room and over themselves. At least, a little cleaning up is all that’s needed; and we'll do it well before we sell this house. 

Feb 20, March 12

Mya lost both of her teeth! Her tooth fairy is the shining Pearlie, and I have a feeling that we will be getting a lot more visits from her.

The first tooth fell out during chapel in school. It was a little emotional for Arthur and I, yet another milestone crossed. And the working mother teared up a bit when she heard the news, because she was not there for her yet another of her daughter’s “first”.

The second tooth fell out after a post-Awana treat with Daddy at Wendy’s. As Mya likes to tell the story with TMI.. She went to the bathroom after the treat, and as she was going potty, the tooth fell out. She ran to me right after she got home and asked, “Can the tooth fairy leave her more chocolate coins again?”

The answer was no, in case you were wondering.

March

From Arthur to Mrs Cummins, Elliot’s school teacher –

I've got to tell you this!  Of course, you've been doing the story of Zacchaeus at school.  Elliot also sings the song at church and we've talked about the story at home.  Anyway, the other day he got hold of my wallet and was playing with it.  He took out some cash bills, put them in his pocket, and loudly announced, "Me take money; me like za'ccheus!!!"  Haha!  Jo and I could not stop laughing!  Maybe not the primary lesson of that story, but he's listening!!!!  Thanks for all you and Mrs. Leydon are doing for him!

1917 N Spruce Terrace

It was unexpectedly emotional when the “For Sale” sign was put up in front of our current home – 1917 N. Spruce Terrace, AH IL 60004. I was not there when they did it, but tears streamed down my cheeks when Arthur called to inform me. Had I been there, every inch they sunk the peg into the ground, would have been an inch a nail was hammered into my heart.

It was again unexpectedly emotional when our realtor texted us that the couple who bought our house are excited about it. The house closed today. I was not there when they signed the papers, but tears welled up in my eyes. I felt every ounce of pain that Mya had within her when we said goodbye to the house. She was inconsolable, hugging our favorite tree, kissing the last wall before we walked out the door, for good.

This is the first house Arthur and I “owned”. I remembered vividly praying that God would use this space that He has blessed us with, and He answered that prayer in ways more than what we could have asked for. Families coming for months or a weekend, friends here to hang out or stay for a while, strangers becoming friends, friends making this home their own, gatherings, lunches, dinners, life group meetings, birthday parties. God has blessed us with much rich fellowship, laughter and tears in this little home. Memories made and deeply treasured. We are humbled that God has entrusted this space to us for the last 4 years.

This is the house in which Mya lived most of her life to-date, and that’s the only home Elliot has ever known. This is where they learnt to walk and talk, dressed-up and played make-believe, rode kitchen chairs trains and cardboard boats, got time-outs and spankings, read countless books, somersaulted, straddled on the ceiling, fought and giggled, laughed uncontrollably. They fell in love with playing outside here – swinging and kicking balls in the backyard, riding their bike, car and scooter on the sidewalk, playing with the water table, going to the park, climbing trees. God has blessed them with so many moments of fun in the neighborhood. We are so thankful for that.

We will remember our neighbors – Nancy, Wendall and Rosalee. Even though they’ve really enjoyed having us (especially Arthur), they will spur us to be better neighbors in the future.

This has been quite a journey for us. Leaving behind what we once loved, moving forward to a place unknown (kinda), learning anew what is temporal and permanent, cherishing what we have and had. We pray the same prayer that God will use our new space for His work and His people, that it will be a place of rest and refreshment for the sojourners and that we will steward it for His glory!  

See you in 3 weeks!

It’s been a few months since I blogged!

I’m leaving for Asia today, for about 3 weeks. It also marks the last day I’ll nurse Elliot. I’ll miss nursing you buddy. And I’ll miss Mya’s hugs and kisses. And having my best friend close by all the time. It’ll be a time of growth for all of us, God help us!

Dear Lord, please keep my precious three safe and sound,

Help them enjoy everything You’ve prepared, even when I’m not around.

Dear Lord, please also heal my father through the surgery,

And may his heart be well physically and spiritually.

Dear Lord, please help me embrace my time in Asia,

And be Your servant to everyone I meet.

Elliot's First Words

“Shhhh….” Elliot picked up his shoes and brought them to us. Half tottering and half pointing at the door, he wants to go outside.

“Shhh…” He points to the fishes in the tank at the library. He spots the fish picture from a distance.

“Ddduc.. Dddduc” Elliot likes ducks A LOT. Ducks swimming in the river, ducks on books, ducks in songs. “Ddduc.. Dduc.. Dduc..” When a duck is in sight, he points at them vigorously and moves towards them as fast as his legs can carry him. Oh Elliot, be careful, don’t fall into the water!  

He is 2 words shy of the 5 that the pediatrician would like, and I wish Daddy and Mummy will be part of the mix soon. Even then, he is plenty communicative. Between his royal pointing and “uh..s!”, we hear you Elliot. We hear you and we love you!

***

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him playing hide and seek with me around the kitchen counter;

I think about him playing tag with Mya in the living room;

I think about him playing ball with daddy.

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him giggling while waiting to nurse,

I think about him giggling when we tickle him,

I think about him giggling when we laugh.

When I want to smile,

I think about him giving me his brightest smile.

I think about snuggling with him in bed.

I think about how blessed I am that he is mine.

Thank you God for giving him to us even before we knew him. We love you Elliot! 

Elliot is one!

Our little boy turned one. He’s been around for only 1 year, 9 months and 4 days.. And I cannot remember what life was like without him. Oh my little Elliot! You’re one already?!

You were always chill, even in my tummy. Thank you for an easy pregnancy!

You were a big baby when you were born. All the nurses could not believe how a tiny Asian mama like me can push out a 9lb baby. But I knew God gave us a strong sturdy boy.

You pooped the jaundice away, and braved all the blood tests like a champ.

When others asked me who you resemble, I always answer, “your sister”. You do! The shape of your face, your eyes, when you sit in the high chair, the way you both hate bibs and the crib. You’re also revealing quite a little temper – which is great because you’re no pushover!

Your smiles and giggles are infectious, so we let you get away when you showered us with squirts or tore daddy’s books. You’re an observant explorer, watching closely, imitating and getting into all sorts of new territory. You’re a careful adventurer, you want us to hold your hands as you lead the way. You’re an excellent communicator with your royal hand wave, stretched arms and finger point, oh and of course your cries too.  You’re getting playful, teasing us with your gurgles and peek-a-boos. You’ve started to sing but I wish you’ll coo “mama” soon!

God was kind, we were not first time parents when we had to experience a backful of eczema, hand foot mouth and roseola virus (103F fever and puking). You’ve strengthened our constitution and made me a medical online sleuth.

All these precious nothings and little somethings, they mean the world to me. I am so thankful to God for a little slice of heaven every time you are around me, when you rest your head on me, snuggle up in bed beside me, cling on to me like a koala and hug me. You make me feel more for all the babies out there without a home, you make me pray more because nothing is for granted, you make me love being your mummy. I love you Elliot! Keep growing in the love and fear of the Lord! 

Birthday album

August rush

Mya’s tween days are starting too early..

Overheard:

“Leave me alone!” (I don’t think we say this to her, do we??!! Time for reflection..)

“I’m xxx (doing something). Please do not disturb me.”

***

Her favorite song these days is the “Princess song” that she made up.

“I’m a beautiful princess!

Mummy got me some presents!

Mummy told me to swim across the pool!”

Each line ends with a high pitch note at the end. And for the record, I did not tell her to swim across the pool.

***

Mya is teaching Na-Na Sylvia Chinese these days, so Na-Na told me.

Except, it’s “Chinese words” from Mya’s dictionary, delivered with a straight face.

“What’s good morning in Chinese?”

“Hong2-gu2.”

“What’s strawberry in Chinese?”

“Hong2-kah1.”

It’s hard for me to keep a straight face and teach my little pixie Chinese!

***

It’s yet another milestone today for my little Elliot. He’s no longer just rolling around to get to places. He’s kicking and inching forward. Next milestone: army crawl!

***

And thank you Yee-Yee for coming to hang out with us. These “ordinary” days are extraordinary because of you.

The first month...

Happy One Month Elliot! I love you to bits.

I love the way you hang on me like a koala, the way you study the things around you, how expressive you are when you’re hungry or uncomfortable – all the tiny and big noises that you make, how you're on the verge of smiling, how you love nursing, how you perk up at your daddy's voice…

And as much as I love you now, I look forward to loving more of you and getting to know you better as you grow. I love you, buddy!

I started this post (below) in the first week of Elliot’s birth but never got around to finishing it in time. Although the content might seem dated now, it seems fitting to remember at this milestone...

Bilirubin Saga

Even when we were in the midst of it, I knew this was just going to be a small blip in the big scheme of things. However, it did not stop me from wrenching when I saw how much blood they had to draw from Elliot’s little feet for the bilirubin tests; or bursting into tears when I got a call from the doctor to go back into the hospital with the newborn for phototherapy, just a day after being discharged.

Once we got in, it was a continuous cycle of being in the “UV incubator” for 2-3 hours, nursing/feeding for 15-3o min (I tried to sneak in as much time to hold Elliot as I can, but the nurses kept me on task), changing diapers, checking vitals, and drawing blood every 6 hours; for the next 40+ hours.

There was a short reprieve when Arthur came with Mya and my mother for a visit. We were able to sneak in watching “Big Hero Six” and “Inside Out”. It would have been harder to bear if not for the visit and supportive nurses. Thank you God for working everything out!

This saga gave me a newfound respect for parents who have to go through harder things with their children. I don’t know how they do it. I am sure God will give us what we need to rise to the occasion, but I don’t know how I am going to stomach stitches, broken bones, surgeries, … And my heart broke when I saw pictures of a refugee feeding her son with a milk bottle on the ground. This sure sets waking up every 2-3 hours in perspective!

Squirt

Nick Parker (The Parent Trap) called his daughter Haley “Squirt”. It was cute and I contemplated that as a nickname for Elliot for a while, especially since the movie is one of Arthur and my all-time faves and we watched it together when we were in the hospital for Elliot’s birth.

That is, until the “projectile motion” caught me by surprise. Needless to say, it was nixed as a possible nickname contender as it proved to be too loaded and close for comfort.  

The sweetest little gift

Elliot's Birth Day - 1/27/2016

Beware: some parts might be TMI.

Despite speculation that he will arrive early, Elliot "held in there" until our scheduled induction. I was 6cm dilated that morning when we checked in around 7:30am, and Nurse Diana exclaimed, “how is it that you have not given birth already?!”

“Well, I’m glad that I will today!” I replied.

**

On our drive to the hospital, I reflected that I did not have very much “anticipatory excitement”. I was super looking forward to meeting Elliot, and was filled with joy that I would see him face to face soon. But other than the physiological symptom of sleepless nights the week prior, I was not “counting down” like Arthur nor had butterflies in my stomach.

Maybe it was the fact that it could have happened any day and I did not want to get my hopes up and down on a daily basis, my coping mechanism was to make preparations so I would be ready; and then live each day as “normally” as I possibly could and not think too much about the event happening. “When it happens, it happens” was my mantra.

I wonder if this would not be a good parallel whilst waiting for Jesus – whether after this life or for Him to come again in this one. Get ready and be prepared (this can mean so many things as shown by the parables, but I posit that at the very least is to know and have a relationship with Him), live each day on earth that He has given as faithfully as possible in the “now but not-yet” reality, and then look forward to the joy of seeing Him face to face (so that any loss associated with death or regrets associated with missed opportunities is counted as gain).

**

Things proceeded very smoothly in the hospital. They started me on the oxytocin drip at 8am, Dr. Lee came to break my water bag shortly after and then the contractions began. They got stronger progressively and by 9am, I was ready for the epidural.

I made it a point to share with them my experience with Mya’s birth – the anesthesiologist was careful not to give me too strong a dose because of my height, and I was literally watching the clock so I can push for more epi every 15 minutes. So this time around, they gave me a stronger dose which worked like a charm. Other than pins and needles in my legs, I hardly felt the contractions. I was even able to watch “You’ve got mail” with Arthur and take a short snooze.

Slightly past 12pm, I felt more pressure and called for the nurse who did not come.

And at around 1pm, Nurse Diana came in to check on me. “Oh! The head is right there! Ok time to push soon!”  She paged for Dr. Lee and made the necessary preparations.

Dr. Lee came in at around 1:25pm. I pushed once and then was told to wait for the next contraction. When the next one came, I pushed hard twice and Elliot was born at 1:33pm! Because he came out too fast, Elliot was a tat bruised in his face.

9lbs 1 oz, 22 inches. He was a big baby, but he seemed so little to me. Welcome to the world my son, my little Elliot. I love you, all of you, every bit of you, so very much already.

Susan shared this song with us and it could not come at a better time. Thanks honey for “bugging the forgetful me” to listen to this!

"I Get To Be The One"

Well hello,
Little baby.
Your eyes have never seen the sun
You should know
Little baby
That I am the lucky one

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Don't feel alone now,
Little baby.
Do you hear me singing you a song
I can't wait to show you
Little baby
How to crawl
How to walk
And how to run

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

How does someone so small
Hold my heart so tightly
I don't even know you
I love you completely

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.