2020 Thanksgiving Diary (I)

 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

As I picture entering God’s gates with the “battle scars” from this year of Covid, I am thankful for the refining that He has done this year – not just to me, but for the world. Generations come and go, but He alone is forever; His goodness, His love and His faithfulness. He deserves all thanks, praise and honor; not for the deliverance and gifts He will provide, but because He is worthy. This post will get too long if I list all the ways I am thankful, but I will attempt to gather the threads that I think He is weaving in this little life of mine this year and my hopes for the next.

Arthur and Marriage

The year started with a health scare that had Arthur having to get an MRI on his brain. Even though there were no symptoms that warranted fretting over, the optometrist’s concerns were enough to drive me to plead God for more time with Arthur. And then Covid struck, my prayers for more time were answered in an unexpected way. More meals together, time to workout in the morning together, more relentless days juggling kids and work together, more tough conversations; I’ve loved every moment of it. I am so very thankful for this man who turned 40 this year, and pray that we will get to spend the next 40 years or more growing together.

There are 2 thorns in this bed of roses that I hope to work on next year as a wife.

I was asked recently how a decision of mine would impact Arthur and his calling. I have not thought about my role in his calling in a long time, and this was a good wake-up call for me. I think this is why our tag-teaming partnership has felt a tat lackluster. I want to spend less energy figuring out our schedules to give each other time and space to work, and more time praying for and helping with Arthur’s calling.

It was difficult to hear when Arthur shared that he is wary about sharing some spiritual things with me, because of how this contrarian wife would respond. Even though she has come a long way from giving too many "constructive criticisms" on his sermons too quickly, and "crying foul" about him wanting to hold back; I want to prove with time and gentleness, that my heart can sing with his on the things that he hold so dear.   

Kids and Motherhood

The parenthood train keeps moving forward and it feels like we are at a new station. Mya’s silent treatment (I’ll pretend not to hear you by not responding), logical deduction (“why do I have to listen to you?”, “seriously?!!”), eye rolls and passionate cries for justice (“it’s not fair!”), is reminiscent of my youthful antics; but isn’t this a little early? Like she is me from yesteryear, I am my mother then. Homework sagas, yelling, nagging, impatient, comparing her with others – God help me please! As for Elliot, the tiger within still needs more taming and the bitter juice of shame extracting. So many times this year, it feels like I’ve come to the end of myself and all I can do is get on my knees.

Still, I am thankful to be their mama and grateful for every day with them. The hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs, cries and tantrums, the throw-ups, home-made videos, card/magic tricks, jokes, battles, pranks, games; the way they take on a new challenge, language, experience or sport; the deeper questions they are asking. I am thankful for the many ways they have inspired me, challenged me to grow and gifted me with the colors they add to each day.

Lord, please help me treasure these days. To not be in a hurry to move out of this station, but to lean into all the lessons that this stop has to offer. To fix my eyes on you and not on others, to not make comparisons and lose patience. Please use me to nurture these seedlings, so that they can bloom and thrive for your glory.

To be continued…