4 days on my own

Arthur was in Kansas City last week for 4 days, and I nearly lost my mind. 4 days trying to juggle the kids and work, I became the mean witch so far from Mary Poppins.

Did I raise my voice and practically yelled at them? Check.

Did I say things I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Did I put them in front of a TV show more than I should have? Guilty.

Did I busy cleaning around the house instead of spending time with them? Uh-huh.

I felt like an utter failure. For not being able to enjoy my kids as much as I should have. For not being as patient with them as I should have. For saying the things I never wanted to say to them. For speaking in a volume I never wanted to speak to them in. For being a simmering volcano, with one too many eruptions. I was practically a high strung nut case. Feeling behind at work, feeling behind in parenting, feeling behind in home-making. Feeling behind in practically everything.

That is not to say the kids were innocent white doves while I went bersek. They were sinful children all right – testing their limits, procrastinating, lounging, talking back, being defiant, wanting to be the parent, all of the above. My sin does not absolve theirs, and their sin does not absolve mine. Oh, how long suffering and compassionate our Father in Heaven.

I always say that the stay-at-home-parent’s job is the hardest in the world. I knew it then, I know it now. My hats off to all you stay-at-home parents and all the single parents. I cannot do what you do. And God knew.

I am so thankful being a working mom, and so thankful to Arthur for being the one who juggles the demands of work and kids every single day. Thankful that my children forgive my failings and bear it like no one could; thankful knowing that I’m a sinful mother in need of as much grace as my little ones do.

I’m gonna do this again. Watch them on my own while Arthur is away. Lose my mind and fail again. But, I will rise to the challenge, I will. One day at a time. One ball at a time. One crumb at a time. One breath at a time. One mistake at a time. Holding on to each time I notice Him showing up in a very tangible way. And I know His grace will be sufficient, for us all.  

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!  

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

Happy Good Friday!

Why is this day different from any other day? This is the day we remember THE DAY, alongside a few others, that made all other days matter. And so this day Lord, help me remember You.

The spiritual lesson that I’m still processing relates to the phone scam that I was involved in last week, 4/11. A few things I lost through that are –

• My personal details – name, passport number, phone numbers, address and date of birth.
• My pride, or at least a fraction of it. I was incredulous when my mother went a little too far in another scam that she was roped into many years ago, but now, I know I am equally susceptible. Was I foolish? Absolutely. But now, I’m a little more empathetic to scam victims.
•  A little sanity – now when I see an unknown number, my heart skips a beat. I wait for it to go to voicemail, check the voicemail and then block the number. I want to call back and just listen to who it is. I will look up the number online and report it as scam. And I have been getting a few of these calls each day. And a part of me wonders if that might just be true – someone used my details to create fake passport and create a money laundering bank account. Now I am a suspect in an investigation.
• A little sense of security – I am a little worried someone would just show up at the door and take me away. I am worried that someone is out there creating fake passports and misusing my personal details. I am worried about the unknown. Maybe, I should not go to China any more. 

And even though it’s Good Friday, and Christ died for the sins of the scammer and mine; I cannot help but want the scammer to be brought to justice. I want him to be caught, sent to jail, and either repent or burn in hell. As much as I hate how foolish I was, I hate even more his lies, scams and the things he took away from me. Yet on this day, I will feel rich because of the things I gained –

• An appreciation of the insidious effects of sin – it wants to pull me in, it wants me to doubt the truth, it wants me to listen only to it and not those I love and trust. It is relentless and breeds fear. It builds up a false reality and lies to keep me in it. It is deep and dark and awful and ugly.
• Experiencing “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal” – nothing on this earth is truly mine, even my “physical identity” is not safe. This does not mean that we do not try to protect our IDs or privacy, but all that can be taken away from us in an instance. When I was imagining the reality of being thrown in jail in China, I thought about losing the life that I’m currently living in an instant. No job, no family, no “future”. And the only thing I can take with me? Christ. At least that, no one else can take that away from me.
• Deepened my belief about letting the light shine in – the scammer wanted me to be in a quiet place and warned me not to tell anyone or I will implicate them. And for 1.5 hours all I heard were the lies, so much so that I started to believe in it and not want to tell Arthur. But after I called him and fact-checked with my Chinese colleagues, I could at least start entertaining the possibility that that was a scam. God has put people, community in our lives, we need to let others in, we need to let light in.
• Listen to my H-h-usband – Arthur told me not to pick up the phone or entertain those calls. I listened for a day, and then did the very thing he told me not to, the very next day. And now I need to listen, to the truth that he is telling me, that it’s a scam. I need to listen to my heavenly Husband, who bled and died for me; so I can have my safety, security and identity in Him; and not live with fear in the background. If God is for me, who can be against me? not worry about your life. Do not worry about tomorrow.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,  and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Of Little men and Fairies

March 17

And we thought that the leprechaun will not strike this year. Last year, Mya decided that the leprechaun was going to doodle on the walls. We woke up to doodles on the bathroom wall, bedroom wall and the family room wall. We got rid of the doodles only when it was time to sell the house. 

This year, we thought we will get-by by setting traps and making mini shamrocks for the little green man. But alas! Mya and Elliot thought it might be fun to have snow indoors on St. Patrick’s day. So they emptied 2 bottles of powder all over their room and over themselves. At least, a little cleaning up is all that’s needed; and we'll do it well before we sell this house. 

Feb 20, March 12

Mya lost both of her teeth! Her tooth fairy is the shining Pearlie, and I have a feeling that we will be getting a lot more visits from her.

The first tooth fell out during chapel in school. It was a little emotional for Arthur and I, yet another milestone crossed. And the working mother teared up a bit when she heard the news, because she was not there for her yet another of her daughter’s “first”.

The second tooth fell out after a post-Awana treat with Daddy at Wendy’s. As Mya likes to tell the story with TMI.. She went to the bathroom after the treat, and as she was going potty, the tooth fell out. She ran to me right after she got home and asked, “Can the tooth fairy leave her more chocolate coins again?”

The answer was no, in case you were wondering.

March

From Arthur to Mrs Cummins, Elliot’s school teacher –

I've got to tell you this!  Of course, you've been doing the story of Zacchaeus at school.  Elliot also sings the song at church and we've talked about the story at home.  Anyway, the other day he got hold of my wallet and was playing with it.  He took out some cash bills, put them in his pocket, and loudly announced, "Me take money; me like za'ccheus!!!"  Haha!  Jo and I could not stop laughing!  Maybe not the primary lesson of that story, but he's listening!!!!  Thanks for all you and Mrs. Leydon are doing for him!

Happy Valentines Day?

What is a wife to do, as her husband figures out what he wants to do.

Should she sharpen him and risk a quarrel? Or roll over and say, “whatever pleases you?”

She prays and pleads, bites her tongue and guards her heart to keep frustrations at bay.

What is a wife to do, when his dream is to be single and read, but God who brought her his way.

Should she mull over this straw? Or look at the kids and say, “you’re not his first choice?”

She prays and pleads, relives the past and steels her heart to keep the aches away.

What is a wife to do, her public husband is so popular, unlike when he is with her.

Should she ask him to let others in? Or his safe person quietly be?

She prays and pleads, asks for strength and trains her heart to relish in grey.

Happy Valentines Day?

Nothing like a little morose to spur a blog post. I have been putting off my happy post about Elliot turning 3 – hopefully that will come soon. But I had to come to my “safe space” to vent a little.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I have no problems admitting that I’m a sinner. But more often than not, I don’t really believe it. I’d have trouble naming a sin that was seriously a problem, at least the one that God would or should be bothered by. But “so long as sin remains someone else’s problem, Jesus will remain someone else’s Savior” (adapted from Remembering Death). It would be tragic if the Baby in the manger is someone else’s Savior, if He remained a warm fuzzy idea at Christmas and if He is but an afterthought in the New Year.

It is His sheer grace that He showed me how petty and ugly I was truly inside. Being bothered by things that are not going to matter in eternity, holding grudges against people who are fellow image-bearers of God, not loving my neighbors as I should and keeping them at arm’s length. I was justified. I was valid in my opinion of them. I was holding them to a higher standard I reasoned.

But truly, I was being petty. Hospitality can be costly and dwelling-with is not always easy. “The Gospel comes with a house key”, Arthur and I have always loved doing this ministry together. We’ve had many great experiences hosting friends and family; days, weeks and months at a time. I thought I like to make a new-comer and outsider feel welcomed. But exercising one’s gift does not always mean it’s a walk in the park. Missed expectations and then being frustrated with having those false expectations in the first place, disappointments from false hopes and just being underwhelmed. Yet all of this is nothing but the fruit of sinful judgement and pettiness against my neighbor.

Alas! Maybe this will give me something more to commiserate with others, when they give me a knowing and concerned look at having another “long term” house guest. Maybe this serves to knock me down a peg or two on my I’m-an-easy-host or I-welcome-strangers pedestal. 

Maybe this is my opportunity to look into the mirror, face my sin, contemplate the discomfort of the manger and His dwelling with us, cling to the cross and His promise to make me new and depend on Him to carry me through.

Help me God. This is my New Year cry and prayer. Help me God, in so many ways. Help me Gd, please.

Happy 5th Birthday Mya

5 years and 9 months ago, I landed my favorite "job" of all time - being a mother. And today, my firstborn is 5 years old. Happy birthday sweet Mya!

Looking back this past year, 5 of my favorite memories are -

1. Last October, i went back to Singapore for Daddy's (or Gong-Gong's) surgery. It's the first time that I'm away from the whole family for 2.5 weeks. Mya remembers this and asks to pray for Gong-Gong's heart surgery and Grandma's knee surgery every now and then! Praying she'll grow up to be a mighty prayer warrior!

2. Mya and Elliot's conversations - in the car, in the playroom, in the bedroom, when they are playing outside. Most of the time, she's telling him what to do; and she likes him to say yes to her. And when he doesn't, shrieks and whines ring out loud and clear. Yet, it's so sweet when he repeats whatever she's saying and following her around! Thank you God for siblings!

3. Pinkalicious! It's Mya's first live musical, and is one of her favorite album to play on Alexa. She can pretty much sing and recite the lines of the entire musical. What's a good one to take her next?

4. Moving house has been tough on Mya. Witnessing her attachment to our old house and her tender heart. I hope we've taught her to say goodbye well.

5. Bedtime stories - the last thing we like to do on most nights, is for me to make up a bedtime story. I'm going round the world with this series, we started with Kanga and Roo in Australia; Baozi in China; Xiaoli in Singapore, Sakura in Japan, Chandra in India, Mr Fettuccine and Tortellini in Italy...

Dear Mya, we pray that you'll never lose your wide-eyed wonder, delight in the small things, joy in relationships, tender heart that feels so deeply and silliness. And may you grow in your love for God and His Word, in your kindness & generosity to others, in your patience when waiting, your strength in character and ability to read all the stories in the world!

We love you sweetie pie and look forward to the year that God has in store for us. We love you very very very much!

Birthday 2013; 1st Bday 2014; 2nd Bday 2015; 3rd Bday 2016; 4th Bday 2017
5th Bday 2018 - TBD

1917 N Spruce Terrace

It was unexpectedly emotional when the “For Sale” sign was put up in front of our current home – 1917 N. Spruce Terrace, AH IL 60004. I was not there when they did it, but tears streamed down my cheeks when Arthur called to inform me. Had I been there, every inch they sunk the peg into the ground, would have been an inch a nail was hammered into my heart.

It was again unexpectedly emotional when our realtor texted us that the couple who bought our house are excited about it. The house closed today. I was not there when they signed the papers, but tears welled up in my eyes. I felt every ounce of pain that Mya had within her when we said goodbye to the house. She was inconsolable, hugging our favorite tree, kissing the last wall before we walked out the door, for good.

This is the first house Arthur and I “owned”. I remembered vividly praying that God would use this space that He has blessed us with, and He answered that prayer in ways more than what we could have asked for. Families coming for months or a weekend, friends here to hang out or stay for a while, strangers becoming friends, friends making this home their own, gatherings, lunches, dinners, life group meetings, birthday parties. God has blessed us with much rich fellowship, laughter and tears in this little home. Memories made and deeply treasured. We are humbled that God has entrusted this space to us for the last 4 years.

This is the house in which Mya lived most of her life to-date, and that’s the only home Elliot has ever known. This is where they learnt to walk and talk, dressed-up and played make-believe, rode kitchen chairs trains and cardboard boats, got time-outs and spankings, read countless books, somersaulted, straddled on the ceiling, fought and giggled, laughed uncontrollably. They fell in love with playing outside here – swinging and kicking balls in the backyard, riding their bike, car and scooter on the sidewalk, playing with the water table, going to the park, climbing trees. God has blessed them with so many moments of fun in the neighborhood. We are so thankful for that.

We will remember our neighbors – Nancy, Wendall and Rosalee. Even though they’ve really enjoyed having us (especially Arthur), they will spur us to be better neighbors in the future.

This has been quite a journey for us. Leaving behind what we once loved, moving forward to a place unknown (kinda), learning anew what is temporal and permanent, cherishing what we have and had. We pray the same prayer that God will use our new space for His work and His people, that it will be a place of rest and refreshment for the sojourners and that we will steward it for His glory!  

10 years

We started our journey as husband and wife, walking down the aisle to “At the beginning”. And now 10 years later, memories flood back as I sing the song –

We were strangers {2006, a Singaporean and American meeting in Zhongguancun Beijing}
Starting out on a journey {July 12, 2008 in marriage}
Never dreaming what we’d have to go through {small spaces, hard places, surprises}
Now here we are {2 continents and 2 kids later}
And I'm suddenly standing {10 years went by in a blink!}
At the beginning with you {I love every day with you}

No one told me, that I was going to find you {uh-uh, my friends thought I was crazy}
Unexpected, what you did to my heart {you know and see me like no one else}
When I lost hope {not with my heavenly and earthly husbands!}
You were there to remind me {you’re always pointing to and modeling Christ}
This is the start {together!}

And life is a road I wanna keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is road now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers {in our pre-marital survey, only our faith was in common}
On a crazy adventure {Tio Man, Macau, Jamaica, Abu Dhabi, Frankfurt, Quebec, and so many more less crazy adventures…}
Never dreaming that dreams would come true {thank You God! even with the smallest of signs}
Now here we stand unafraid of the future {next house, next city, teenager? Come what may!}
At the beginning with you {I would choose to do life with you, everytime!}

And btw, I love a good duet...

Eternity under the Christmas tree

Experienced a little piece of eternity with Mya tonight as we were putting up ornaments on the Christmas tree.

I was trying to explain to Mya that I try to make 2 similar pieces of ornaments with the kids' pictures each year. This is so that when she grows up and have a home and tree of her own, she can have one of these ornaments; and i would still have one of them. She teared up and gave me a hug, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, how can i let my little girl go? And of course i thought of my mummy, who bore to let her little girl go.

Mya likes making things for me. I told her tonight that she does not have to make anything for me, i just want her. And she mumbled something along the lines of making something for me after I die. And then she teared up and squeezed me tight, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, does my 4 year old know what death is already? Did her heart have this sharp ache like mine?

And then i got to tell her one of the best things ever.. That if we both hold onto Jesus, even when i die, it's just a short little goodbye. And that's why He came, at Christmas time.

Happy Belated Birthday Mya!

Mya is turned 4 and I turned 36 respectively, a few days ago. 32 years between us. Yet I feel like I’ve loved her all my life. She’s a part of me, apart from me, never to be removed.

Here's a poem for your 4th year my sweetest sweet heart!

Mya laughs herself silly

She cries herself hoarse

She plays with her brother

She makes up her own songs

She gets all giggly excited

About school, AWANA and smores

She gets bored waiting

Because “waiting is booooring”

She’s gone to the apple orchard

And the fire house too

She goes swimming and dancing

And sometimes Sunday school

She likes a big party, four is far too few

She enjoys her special friends

Emma, Jake and Enzo, just to name a few

Oh, Little Bear, Fizzy and Unicorn too

She loves to read Ling and Ting

And play hide and seek

Eat porridge and spaghetti

And ride around on her wheels

Behind her princess exterior

Is the spirit of a gentle warrior

She has her strong point of view

She holds on to her ideals

She rides her little pony called pride

She holds back her tears now when she falls

She imagines and makes believe

And her logic is without a flaw

She memorizes Scripture

Practice her alphabets and draw

She loves making crafts from Koala Crate

And write cards when she misses you

We love you so much Mya

We learn and grow alongside you

You are His gift to us

You are our precious precious sweetie pie

See you in 3 weeks!

It’s been a few months since I blogged!

I’m leaving for Asia today, for about 3 weeks. It also marks the last day I’ll nurse Elliot. I’ll miss nursing you buddy. And I’ll miss Mya’s hugs and kisses. And having my best friend close by all the time. It’ll be a time of growth for all of us, God help us!

Dear Lord, please keep my precious three safe and sound,

Help them enjoy everything You’ve prepared, even when I’m not around.

Dear Lord, please also heal my father through the surgery,

And may his heart be well physically and spiritually.

Dear Lord, please help me embrace my time in Asia,

And be Your servant to everyone I meet.

Elliot's First Words

“Shhhh….” Elliot picked up his shoes and brought them to us. Half tottering and half pointing at the door, he wants to go outside.

“Shhh…” He points to the fishes in the tank at the library. He spots the fish picture from a distance.

“Ddduc.. Dddduc” Elliot likes ducks A LOT. Ducks swimming in the river, ducks on books, ducks in songs. “Ddduc.. Dduc.. Dduc..” When a duck is in sight, he points at them vigorously and moves towards them as fast as his legs can carry him. Oh Elliot, be careful, don’t fall into the water!  

He is 2 words shy of the 5 that the pediatrician would like, and I wish Daddy and Mummy will be part of the mix soon. Even then, he is plenty communicative. Between his royal pointing and “uh..s!”, we hear you Elliot. We hear you and we love you!

***

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him playing hide and seek with me around the kitchen counter;

I think about him playing tag with Mya in the living room;

I think about him playing ball with daddy.

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him giggling while waiting to nurse,

I think about him giggling when we tickle him,

I think about him giggling when we laugh.

When I want to smile,

I think about him giving me his brightest smile.

I think about snuggling with him in bed.

I think about how blessed I am that he is mine.

Thank you God for giving him to us even before we knew him. We love you Elliot! 

For Naught

You ask, “where is God when it hurts? Where is the church when it hurts?”

You think the church has failed you and treated you wrong.

You think they have fulfilled your worst expectations of them.

You wonder about the depth of relationships you had.  

You don’t feel like repenting any more.

You will not be like them, “not like this!” you cry.

You deserve different, “not this!” for grace you demand.

Do you believe you are getting what you deserve?

Were some relationships an idol?

Were they built on food and the faces you offered?

Did you crave more their intimacy and approval than His?

Are you indicting those who can be seen because He can’t?

Are those who are still around to be treated as naught?

Do you know what grace is? Unmerited mercy.

You blame Him for not stopping you.

Did you dig out your eye? Or chop off your hand?

Did you let others in and confess?

Did you take the ropes He sent many a time?

You think David kept his life intact?

One son died and another tried to take his life

Hiding in caves and being on the run. Luxury? Not .

You’re not a broken wolf, but do you see the signs?

You have the “true insights” and outtalk your critics

You are the victim, the puppet

He controls the strings.

What is it to you how they respond?

What is it to you what the other wolves might be like?

What is it to you that their lives might seem to shine.

The son is willing to return to be the slave

He who disowned the Lord fed His sheep

The thief who plead for mercy and Jesus’ memory

Not the betrayer done in by the rope

Not the false king fighting to sit on the throne

Read Psalm 51

I pray that David’s repentance song and salvation be yours some day

Easter Reflections 2017

I’m on a bed in my final moments. Loved ones around my bed. I shall miss them dearly, miss the things we’ve done, miss the moments in their lives that are to come. I ache that I will be with them no longer. I wonder what life will be like on the other side. The unknown gives me some trepidation.

And then I remember.  

That even though I must walk through the valley, I am not alone. He will be with me. His rod and His staff shall comfort me. He will carry me through and death shall not be my final song. My sin will not do me in.

That I may see them on the other side, that this is just a temporary goodbye, that someday we’ll be together forever in eternity. In that glorious garden city, we will be reunited, making more memories in our new bodies, with our Savior.

And I shall pass on triumphantly, peacefully and boldly. Reaching out for the Lord’s nail pierced hands, into His arms I shall rest.

This Easter, I am keenly aware of my mortality. Whilst I am grateful for the salvation in Christ, I am even more grateful that He is my benefactor. The One who can save my children, I shall forever be indebted to. 

Trumpety Trump

I’ve never really been into nor get politics – maybe because of my Singaporean upbringing (yay for benevolent dictatorship!); but this recent US election sure got my attention. I’m also no expert in American politics – my education began with The West Wing, I still don’t get how something moves through Congress or the Senate, and I neither identify as a Republican nor Democrat. But, so much has been tweeted, published and said about this election; and I’d just like to process out-loud a little.

There are many theories on how or why Trump won. Democracy gone awry, people just wanted change, he tapped into the deep dissatisfaction that people had, everyone loves an underdog, the election was Hillary’s to lose, he is white and male, etc. But at the end of the day, it was a choice between 2 extremely unqualified candidates (John Piper); facts or alternative facts; they all fade into the grey sea of politics. I can’t in good conscience support or endorse either, and I don’t like either of them. I am so glad that I did not have to vote.

However, is it so bad that he won? Look at Absalom, Nebuchadnezzar, the Pharisees, Pilate; the norm in the Bible is bad leaders. Horrific leaders. Recent history can also attest to that – Hitler, Mao, Mussolini, Bill Clinton. How does Trump compare?

I’m not saying that we should reduce our standard for leaders, but we need to recognize that “good” leaders are rare and nothing short of God’s good grace. Having a “good” leader is a gift, not an entitlement. If we expect the worst, as is to be expected in this broken fallen world, then nothing’s gonna be “too bad”. So God gave the role to him, I pray that he will make the best of the opportunity he has been given and Christians can hopefully lead more quiet and peaceful lives and advance the Kingdom of God.

As to where I stand on the few topics (just my personal opinion) –

1. Yay for gun control. Ban guns, absolutely.
2. Nay for abortion. Feminists drive me crazy on this one. Thou shalt not kill y’all! And you can’t do whatever you like with your body, it’s not yours! Provisions to be made for ethically challenging situations like it’s either the mother or baby.
3. Basic human dignity for all – meaning you don’t discriminate against the minorities or abuse those who have a different gender orientation. They are still made in the image of God. Co-exist with them, respect them, befriend them, love them, try to understand them, walk in their skin, see them. But the LGBTQ have also irked me as well with all their agendas and "misusing" the First Amendment. It does not help that they dominate the media, and so the majority is sometimes persecuted by the minority.    

4. Immigration – I think there needs to be a balance between protectionist policies and welcoming diversity. The Commonwealth is very protective over saving jobs for “their people”. I think that’s fair. But one ought to still strive to be a good neighbor, take care of the widows, orphans and refugees, and not become a hermit.
5. Building the wall – Please don’t ignore what common sense and the experts are saying, or the price tag! Building a wall is no way to go – have we gone back to the days of Qin Shi-Huang? The Great Wall of USA?!
6. Execution and experience – both of which the current administration has been sorely lacking, as with the recent 7 countries ban fiasco. I hope they’ll learn from their mistakes, learn from the past, seek advice and second opinions.
7. Press Secretary – he’s like his boss.
8. First Lady - I think it’s ok if Melanie is an absent First Lady. She’ll not be missed, let her be. Out of the limelight. Please. 

Elliot is one!

Our little boy turned one. He’s been around for only 1 year, 9 months and 4 days.. And I cannot remember what life was like without him. Oh my little Elliot! You’re one already?!

You were always chill, even in my tummy. Thank you for an easy pregnancy!

You were a big baby when you were born. All the nurses could not believe how a tiny Asian mama like me can push out a 9lb baby. But I knew God gave us a strong sturdy boy.

You pooped the jaundice away, and braved all the blood tests like a champ.

When others asked me who you resemble, I always answer, “your sister”. You do! The shape of your face, your eyes, when you sit in the high chair, the way you both hate bibs and the crib. You’re also revealing quite a little temper – which is great because you’re no pushover!

Your smiles and giggles are infectious, so we let you get away when you showered us with squirts or tore daddy’s books. You’re an observant explorer, watching closely, imitating and getting into all sorts of new territory. You’re a careful adventurer, you want us to hold your hands as you lead the way. You’re an excellent communicator with your royal hand wave, stretched arms and finger point, oh and of course your cries too.  You’re getting playful, teasing us with your gurgles and peek-a-boos. You’ve started to sing but I wish you’ll coo “mama” soon!

God was kind, we were not first time parents when we had to experience a backful of eczema, hand foot mouth and roseola virus (103F fever and puking). You’ve strengthened our constitution and made me a medical online sleuth.

All these precious nothings and little somethings, they mean the world to me. I am so thankful to God for a little slice of heaven every time you are around me, when you rest your head on me, snuggle up in bed beside me, cling on to me like a koala and hug me. You make me feel more for all the babies out there without a home, you make me pray more because nothing is for granted, you make me love being your mummy. I love you Elliot! Keep growing in the love and fear of the Lord! 

Birthday album

Hey dear sisters...

For K

What is it that binds you to him?

Is it just fun? Is it his son?

Was loneliness too hard to bear?

What if there was another someone?

How does he cherish you?

Does he share your passion and dreams?

Can you talk about history with him?

Does he inspire you to be the best you can be?

If you had to choose between your family and him

Not that we will ever make you choose

But if you had to, how easy will it be?

Will it be ok if we don’t always see him?

Will you regret in years to come?

To have settled for the one?

Perhaps a bird in hand is better

Than two in the tree

**

For M

It’s hard to be away

But I don’t want to stay away

Is the only way to love to return

Can love not transcend distance

I want to listen to your heart

And hear your silent cries

Look deep inside

Where secrets and pain hide

You can choose who you confide

I will always stand by your side

Feel however you feel

Nothing will waver my commitment to you

Sisters are given

Precious from our Heavenly Father

I could not have chosen better

Than a sister like you

Lavish Love

Reflections from Pastor Colin’s sermon series (Phil 2: 1-15) and the Christmas stories this year

At Christmas, God lavished His love on us by abandoning heaven and coming to be born in a cattle trough, humbling Himself to take on frail human flesh. Not a comfortable crib lined with hay, a cattle trough where the animals feed – where pigs, sheep, horses, cows eat.

And the true God-King of all the cosmos subjected Himself to the hunt of the pseudo king Herod. The true King did not consider power to be grasped and exploited for His benefit, but laid that all down for love; whilst the false kings of this world fight so hard and kill to grasp at straws to preserve their moments of fleeting fame.

Jesus gave up the adoration of the angels, for the praise of a few lowly shepherds. Shepherds who left their flock behind to go worship the Lord of the universe. Even the little baby was worth it all.

Jesus obediently submit to His Father’s will, to die cursed on the cross, and redeemed us for God. So God exalted Him to the highest place, that the Son of God and Son of Man is seated on the right hand of God, interceding for us, loving us.

How then shall we lavish our love on God? On Jesus? On the Holy Spirit?

Jesus did not leave behind His deity when He came to earth, and He did not stop being human now that He is in heaven. I am so thankful that He is one of us. This made me think about the catchy song by Joan Osborne – One of us. It’s a whimsical seemingly thoughtful song, but as I think more about it, my Jesus is one of us, not in a way that the song suggests. Hence my attempt to rewrite/ respond it..

One of us (response)

God had a name and it is Jesus
And I can call Him by His name

If I was faced with Him in all His glory
What would I ask if I had just one question

Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

God became like one of us
Not a slob like one of us
A holy stranger in this world
So He can take us back home

So God had a face, He looked ordinary
And would you believe
He gave up heaven and glory

So He can obey His Father and fulfill what was said by all the prophets

Yeah, yeah, God is great…

God became like one of us
Not a slob like one of us
A holy stranger in this world
So He can take us back home

He died and made His way home
Back up to heaven on His throne
Where He hears us calling on Him

Not just the pope nor just in rome

Yeah, yeah, God is great...

He came to be born in a stable

Then He rolled away the stone

Went back to heaven on His throne
Because He loves us sinners so

He hears us calling without the phone

Not just the pope nor just in rome