Happy Christmas

Experiencing Christmas through 3 different songs this year. 

First, Mary's song in Luke 1

⁴⁶ And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, ⁴⁸ for he has been mindful    of the humble state of his servant.

Mary starts her song by glorifying God – because He has given her a child and fulfilled His promises to her and Israel. In Isaiah 42:8, the Lord says “I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other”. God Himself is full of glory, we cannot give Him more glory, than what He already has. When we glorify God, we are acknowledging His greatness, declaring His magnificence to others, and giving weight to Him. For all that He is and all that He has done. May we as Paul exhorts in 1 Cor 10:31, "whether we eat or drink, or whatever we do, we do it all for the glory of God.”

Mary’s spirit rejoices in God her Savior. This is a peculiar response, if you consider her circumstances from the human point of view. There she is, a single teenage girl carrying a baby. What would others say at that time and in that culture? But yet as she considers God’s plan of salvation through her, she rejoices in God her Savior. In the Bible, rejoicing is more often a command. An exhortation and a choice, than a description of what was happening. It is often in the context of trials and suffering. In our life, there will undoubtedly be trials, sacrifice, suffering, heartache, pain and tears. During those times, may we hold on to joy, by keeping our eyes on God and not our circumstances. To rejoice in hope, because God is our Savior. 

Mary glorified the Lord and rejoiced in God her Savior, because God has been mindful of her. He has looked on her, His eyes are on her. Likewise, Immanuel assures us that God is mindful of us. His eyes are on us. He looks upon us with such joy, such love, such compassion, such worth.And He has given us His Son to prove that. That He was willing to send His only Son from His side, to give Him up for us all. And if He is willing to do that for you, how will He not also graciously give us all things that we need for life and godliness. 

Second, Simeon's song in Luke 2, after he meets Jesus

²⁸ And Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying ²⁹ Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace ³⁰ For my eyes have seen your salvation, ³¹ which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: ³² a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel." 

Simeon's single life long dream to see Jesus has always moved me. For him, to live is to see Christ. And when he has laid eyes on the Savior, experienced God's fulfillment of His promise to him, he was ready to depart. Talk about the sufficiency of Christ. We have that and so much more, may that be enough for me!

Third, Christmas Bells by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

Chancing upon this carol during family worship has been special. It is God's special personal song for me this year. In light of the war in Ukraine, of all that is still wrong with this world, the poet's honest wrestling during the Christmas season rings true for so many today. 

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
    And wild and sweet
    The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
    Had rolled along
    The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
    A voice, a chime,
    A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
    And with the sound
    The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
    And made forlorn
    The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
    "For hate is strong,
    And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
    The Wrong shall fail,
    The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."

Summer Sabbatical 2022

My second Sabbatical formed the bookends of this summer. The first half was spent mostly in Singapore playing tourist in my home country, and the second half in Chicago playing stay-at-home mom. The first half felt more productive, mainly because I was able to help Daddy and Mummy declutter that one room; and the second half had me starting a bunch of projects that sit unfinished on this last day of my Sabbatical. What I enjoyed most of this Sabbatical though, was just being able to give some more time to my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister (wish I did more!), friend and church member. All things I prize more than being a responsible worker and manager. With days becoming shorter and the clock ticking, I’ll have to better allocate time, energy and mental space to things that matter more for eternity. How easy it is to get caught up in the hum-drum of work, and I am thankful that this Sabbatical helped me slow down and reminded me to prioritize the important.

 **

“Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds.. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-19

We need time to sit at home with our children, to walk along the road with them, to lie down with them and get up with them; how else are we to teach our children the Word of the Lord? And the few moments that are most precious to me this summer were precisely that.

Elliot did not make it very far on our Saturday morning jog when he had to stop. A dead bunny by the roadside sucked the spring out of his steps. With his head drooped and his feet trudging, he barely eeked out the words when I ran back to him, “I am so sad Mommy”. And a conversation about our eternal hope in Christ ensued. There was no assurance of the bunny making it into heaven; but we prayed and thanked God for the hope that we have- that one day, there will be no more death, sadness and tears when we are with Him in the new heaven and new earth. And then he ran again. But it was not long before another conversation about money interrupted my plans to be healthy that morning.

“I did not used to be like that Mommy…” Mya rubbed her eyes we lay down beside each other on her bed. Earlier that evening, the older one went bananas over my comment about Elliot having a 40 minute long bus ride each way to school. “You only care about Elliot! Oh poor Elliot! You think I have an easy bus ride?” I pointed out the mean, ugly heart that the jealousy stemmed from; and she hid herself in the bathroom to calm down. She did not want to hear a sermonette that night, but I was glad to lay beside her and tell her “I was and I am like that too.”

Having the chance to send the kids off to school in the morning, and being home to welcome them when they get back is precious. Instead of getting ready for work or being already gone on the train, I get to see these little ones board their school bus and tell them that I love them as they go off to learn about and face that big world out there. And being around to hear about their day when they get home, prepping snacks and spontaneous sushi dinners together just makes my heart full. I want to be here to tell them that they do not have to sneak around for more screen time in the dark, warn them of pressures they'll face at school and remind them to be little lights for Jesus whenever they can. 

And as we sit down for family worship in the evenings, it was wonderful to take time to breathe and rest together. There were no activities to rush to after dinner, and no other place we had to be other than there beside each other – reading, singing hymns and praying together.

***

I have so enjoyed TGC’s Good Faith debates. So thankful to the Lord for this group of like-minded brothers and sisters whom I don’t know personally, but am so glad to call “my people, my tribe”!

Happy Valentine's Day and Belated Birthday to my little valentines

 2 overdue birthday posts that doubles up as my Valentines' Day letter to my little ones this year. 

And of course a very Happy Valentine's Day to my earthly valentine whom I hope will be my best friend through all eternity, and to my Heavenly Valentine whom I long to meet face to face one day.

Happy 6^th Birthday, Elliot!

Dearest Elliot,

Six years old today! We had a few friends over – your classmate Freddy and our old neighbors Miles and Cole, for a playdate after school. Mya and I made you a Flash cake, and you were so excited about that. Your birthday is a special day and we are so glad that we get to celebrate you in a special way today!

As Daddy and I look at the pictures and videos of your first few years, I remember being worried about you not talking! You little mind was taking everything in – Daddy’s effusive expressions and tickling, Mya’s singing and talking, and Mummy’s reading and funny sounds. And now, you speak so clearly what’s on your mind – be it when you’re praying or playing, angry or happy. Thank you for letting us know what you’re thinking and feeling, I pray that will not change – that even when you’re sixteen or thirty six, you’ll still let us know what’s on your heart.

Your “no-filter” is such a precious quality, especially when they come out in your prayer. I love to hear your pray. Your superlatives when you’re mad make me laugh and cry – “you will never see me again! I will not talk to you ever again!” Nothing you can say child, can make us love you less. Daddy and I pray for God’s wisdom to steward your honesty, and yet also teach you self-control and other centered-ness – that you will show us all how to own and speak the truth in love.

Your reckless abandon (and sometime destruction) is not because you don’t care though. You care deeply about what others think, which causes you to be embarrassed some times. I’m still trying to figure out if there is a specific trigger; and the best I can come up with is probably when your pride is wounded or when attention is drawn to you unexpectedly. Oh son, we’re still learning how best to parent  you every day. But my prayer is that you will learn the freedom of self-forgetfulness, to look and think of yourself less and more of Christ each day.

Now that you’ve started kindergarten and are learning Chinese, I like how you do the motions alongside the words! 大！小！力！I can’t wait to discover the passions and gifts God has given to you as you learn and grow in knowledge.

Speaking of knowledge, your knowledge of all things super-heroes has far surpassed me. You’re such a “boy’s boy”. Your love for superheroes, Ninjagos, the color blue (and Bluey), Star Wars, Sonic Boom and rappy loud music! You challenge my tastes and preferences, or should I say “expand my horizons.” You speeding around the house like the Flash, or kung-fu fighting the air, karate-kicking the walls and wrestling Daddy and Mya; are things that I’m going to try to enjoy now coz I know I’ll miss them when you grow up. You’re also cheeky and gross sometimes, I hope and pray you’ll enjoy all the gifts that God has given to us in God-honoring ways.

Beneath your “tough-guy” exterior is a precious tender heart. You were sad the other day after a dream about daddy dying; and after Pete’s Dragon last night, when you remembered Pete’s parents dying. And even though you enjoy frustrating your sister, your adoration for Mya is evident; taking after her interests in Narnia, Dragon Masters and wanting to follow her around.  

Oh son, I love you so very much! Daddy loves you, Mya loves you and King Jesus loves you most of all. I pray you’ll grow up loving Jesus and be a man after His heart; with noble character and honor; and shine brightly for Him every day.

Happy 8^th Birthday Mya!

Dearest Mya,

Happy Belated birthday! I’ve had this letter in the works now for so long, and it’s taken a long time to complete it – sorry sweetheart!

As I think about your 8^th year, I am amazed at how much you’ve learnt and developed. I’m torn between wanting to see how God is molding and shaping you, and not wanting you to grow up too quickly! Time is slipping through our hands so fast. I miss the little baby who refuses to sleep on her own and would cry till she threw up, the little toddler running in circles around the house, the little sister who would sing to her baby brother, the little mind who could memorize so many psalms… even till today! She’s growing up to be a little lady who has to start using facial wash, who enjoys spas and getting her nails done, and who likes dressing up a little to go on a date with her daddy.

Pride fills me up as I think about you starting 2^nd grade, writing mini Chinese essays. You learning piano and writing songs. You doing somersaults on the trampoline. You roller-blading and then being able to skate on the ice at first try. You can do so things I can’t my darling! Not to mention your natural dance moves, jokes, magic shows, family services and home video productions (Rapunzel! Queen Ester, …). Your ability to pick up lyrics also amazes me.

I love your creativity, boldness to try new things and fun-loving personality. When you get so excited about the rides at Six Flags; or a part in a movie, you cannot stop bouncing on the couch. You squeal and your eyes light up. I pray you’ll never lose that sense of wonder and spark in your eyes my dear. Each day and moment is a gift from the Lord to be enjoyed, and it fills Him up with so much delight to see His daughter embracing the gifts He has given.

This is also the year you fell in love with reading on your own. Daddy was waiting for this switch to be turned on. You have made him so happy. Our “reading and hair” time in the evenings are precious to me – not only because I can braid and try out hair styles on my real-live doll; but also because I get to learn about women who change the world with you, or get lost in another world with you, be it Narnia or a land with dragators.  

There have been a few difficult things and conversations this year too. With grades and teasing in school, unnecessary comparisons I make that hurt your feelings, concerns about 公公’s salvation, or just the daily reality of sin in us and the world. Sometimes, it makes you ask “Do you love me? Will you still love me?”

I want you to know Mya, that nothing will ever stop Daddy and me from loving you. Ever. Even when we hurt you or you hurt us, or when it seems to you that we don’t. We do and we will. Don’t give heed to the lies that Satan whispers in your ears – just as it did to Eve. God loves you and will always love you. We love you and will always love you. As you grow up, you’ll have more questions; the world will make you doubt yourself, God’s love and these truths that you grew up with.. But know my sweetheart of hearts, that He has us in His hands. “For neither heights nor depth, angels nor demons, nor can ever separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Happy Valentines and Belated Birthday my kiddos! You have my heart and always will.  

Community

 Poems from Martin Luther King Jr. Day at the Chicago History Museum

- From Mya

Community is where people live
The friends that lift you up day after day
The love, the care of your friends and family
These are your community

- From Arthur

A place of comfort and connection 

Of cringing and complexity

Busy and messy and beautiful

Diverse and united

Of belonging and becoming and believing

Where shared purpose and sacrifice creates safety

Where suffering creates strength

Where life becomes alive

Where we be known and know

Working together, stronger together, shining together

We are made to belong to one another

Community is destiny and sweetest reality

Community is home

- From Xiu

People we know

Places we go to

Sights we behold

Smells that fill our nose

The workers and first responders

The school, stores and hospitals

Kids playing, adults rushing by

The local bakery and its apple pie

The homeless in the corner

His bed that we just passed by

The creases that edge her eyes

Tobacco puffs and dinner from a new nights

Family, friends and familiar faces

Yesterday's wounds and hope for the future

Strangers becoming neighbors

The fragrance of Christ binding us together

- From Elliot

Goodbye 2021, Hello 2022

2021 was a year that started with the news of the deaths of my massage therapist friend Happy Vesse, my fourth uncle and my friend Andrew’s brother Matthew. It proceeded with many conversations – about race (George Floyd), politics (US election) and health (Covid, masks and vaccinations). It also revealed the fragility of the church and the faith of many; and begets the question – what is the foundation and unity of the church ultimately based on? What is my commitment to Christ and His Bride, and my love for my neighbor ultimately based on?

I spent much of 2021 studying for CFA Level III and took it twice; which is quite enough. Being called to be on the Orchard’s church board is both an honor and responsibility. And God had to shake the work stress out of me with a candida infection. Arthur moved on from Momentum and the residency, to start a translation project manager role at UTB. His ministry plate has also never been more full – doing Bible studies with Steve Wang, Jason and Jacob, and leading LIFE Group and Orchard Kids. Mya started second grade, found her groove with reading and telling jokes, began exploring piano and had her first tooth extraction. Elliot started Chinese Immersion with Ms Chin and Mrs Floyd, began to read and build his Marvel-pedia knowledge and lost his first 2 teeth.

It is quite true that they say we overestimate what we can do in a day, and underestimate what we can achieve in a year. In midst of the lows and heavy topics, we still managed some highs and frivolous fun. And with that, I look to 2022 with anticipation.  

A trip to Singapore, God-willing? A new kitchen perhaps? More hobby, silly-fun and Mummy-school time hopefully? Beneath the cream and fluff, here’s my hope and prayer for the weightier things –

1.      That I would seek God more in prayer and in Word – to seek Him first in all things, not relying first on the means He has given though conventional wisdom and the counsel of others.

2.      That I might fill out the sketches of what a church that welcomes, ministers to and celebrates diversity look like

3.      That Arthur and I will pray together more, and I may love, serve and help Arthur better

4.      That as parents, we will be more consistent and diligent; and help form character and Christ in the kids

5.      That we as a family will make new neighbors, share the Gospel with 1 more person than last year, enjoy God more together and look at screens less.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

 Christmas devotion shared at our LIFE Group Christmas party this year, based on Matthew 1. 

We will focus on the genealogy of Jesus, especially the first 6 verses; and I want to draw out 3 observations for us.

The first is that Jesus is not ashamed of where He came from or His family tree.

Many of us will spend time with our extended family this Christmas. And some of us have extended family who are far away. No matter where they are or how we are connecting with them this Christmas season – in person or virtually, our family can remind us of everything that we love about them, and everything that frustrates us about them. And when we go further back into our family tree, there are probably ancestors that we are so proud of and we talk about them often; and other stories that we would rather bury or dirty laundry that we wish we could wash clean – and I’m not talking about the laundry in the laundry basket..

When we look at Jesus’ family tree documented for us here, we see that there are both characters too. We start strong at the beginning with Matthew pointing out that Jesus is the son of David. David, who is man after God’s own heart and Israel’s best king in the OT, or Abraham – father of faith, and we have Isaac, Jacob, Solomon a wise king, Hezekiah and Josiah who were godly kings…

But yet, there are also unsavory characters and stories even for the best of them. We have evil kings like Ahaz.. Or Solomon who was born out of his father David’s adultery. Or the interesting reference to Judah, son of Jacob – who is hardly the most stellar son that Jacob had, and who committed incest with his daughter in law.

In this genealogy, we see the good and the bad. The names that stir pride and also the names that we would rather sweep under the rug and never be spoken of again. Yet here they are, recorded in Holy Scripture. They were not “conveniently” left out of history books. All of them in the line of Jesus the Messiah. He is not ashamed of where He came from nor His family tree. My encouragement to all of us here is that not even Jesus had the perfect family or pristine pedigree, and we do not have to carry the weight or shame of not having the “picture perfect family”.

The second observation is the idea that God writes straight with crooked lines.

This quote is sometimes attributed to St. Teresa of Avila – “God writes straight with crooked lines”. It is hard to miss that there are only a few women mentioned here in this genealogy. But the fact that they were, is highly significant especially in the patriarchal society during that time.

Tamar married such a wicked man that the Lord put him to death. Then her brother in law did wrong by her by not willing to give her a son, and was also put to death by the Lord. And her father-in-law sent her away back to her family, and then slept with her not knowing that it was her. Being widowed twice, disgraced and betrayed by her family.. Yet she persevered to do what is right, and through her bold righteous act that Perez was born.

And then there is Rahab the prostitute who lived in Jericho when the spies came to check out the city. What was her life like that forced her into prostitution? How might she have felt hearing about a holy God coming to take her city, when her life was reeked with sin. She risked her life to hide the spies, pleaded for salvation and was spared when her city was conquered. And so she lived in the city that she grew up in, amongst the people who attacked it.

And there’s Ruth, the Moabite who did not know God growing up, entered an “unequally yoked marriage” and was widowed at a young age. She stuck by her bitter mother-in-law Naomi, left her people and went to live in a foreign land and amongst a people she did not know. Through Boaz’s kindness and redemption, she got grafted into the line of the Messiah and became King David’s great grandmother.

Last but not least, Bathsheba who was only referred to as Uriah’s wife. She was taken by the king, witness the king plotting her husband’s death to cover up his sin, married her husband’s murderer and endured the death of her child.

They all had different stories, endured much twists and turns in their lives – grief, sorrow, brokenness, sin they committed and wrong done to them. They were viewed as property in their time, foreigners and unworthy to be associated with God’s holy people. Yet through their broken crooked lives, God wrote a straight line to His Son. There is no one too far, no life too broken, no situation too dire; for God to redeem and bring beauty out of ashes. This is the God we worship and who is still at work in our lives and the lives of the people we know today.

The last observation is that our God knows the unknown and lives amongst the lowly.

We have talked about many of the well known names so far. But there are many other names in the genealogy whose names we hardly know and whose stories we do not know about. Yet they are here, their names in the Holy Scriptures, passed down from generation to generation.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve often struggled with the desire to be known, to be heard and seen. I want to matter, invite me to the table, ask me my opinion.. And in today’s social media age, it is easy to satiate that through Facebook or Tik Tok or Snapchat or whatever platform to have our 5 minutes of fame. Look at me, listen to me, because I matter!

But yet through these unknown names by man and history, our Lord came. He knows each one of them by name, and each of them matters to them. And so this is my encouragement to us – that when you ever wonder if you matter, if you are known. Know that the Lord knows you. He sees you and hears you. He has your name written in His name and in His Book of Life. And that is what matters most.

And bringing it back to the birth of Jesus.. Our Lord came quietly to the town of Bethlehem to be born in a lowly manger. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him. Nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him. He lived as a carpenter, gentle and lowly in spirit.  

We have been studying the beatitudes this year. Blessed are the poor in spirit, the ones who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness – so it is my prayer that as we look to the new year, this is the place we will start – celebrating the humble birth of our king, and seeking to be like Him.

40 years today!

“Our days may come to seventy years or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass and we fly away... Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom... Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:10-14

God willing, the second half of my life is just about to begin. I am thankful to Him for shaping this blob of miry clay, to who she is today. Still lots of molding and chiseling to do, but He has done a mighty work in me in the last 40 years – and for that I want to praise Him with joy.

From my early childhood years of not knowing my Creator, He used Sunday School to show Himself to me. From a girl who was prone to steal and lie, the Holy Spirit used guilt to convict me of sin and my need for His light in my darkness. From a school girl standing by a pond, He gave me a yearning for the eternal – that there is “no point”, if this life was all there is.

From one who shocked herself at what her unchecked rage can make her do – scratch up her sister with broken glass and sweep things off her table; He showed me how ugly and depraved I could be, a danger to others and myself. From a teenager who struggled with body image and so many insecurities – He showed me that He is the One who makes me beautiful. From an adult sitting in a cab in Beijing all by herself in a city where no one knows her, He became my defining reality and sufficiency.

He redeemed my broken heart, and gave me Arthur. He brought me to a foreign land to teach me lessons that I would not have learnt otherwise. He deepened my understanding and faith through Trinity and the lives of the spiritual giants I get to hear from. He made me a mother to Mya and Elliot, and showed me what an abounding-in-love Heavenly Father I have. He made me learn forgiveness, and how Jesus paid it all. He blessed me with an imperfect church that I love and community. He entrusted me with responsibilities at church and at work, at such a time as this. He continues to bless me with my MooMoo who speaks blunt truth to my heart like no one else does, and my parents whom I pray I can love better in person than from afar.

Some women, when they reach 40 say that they are finally “comfortable in their own skin”. I think I can say that on most days… It’s not because I have reached a state of perpetual contentment (I wish!). But when His Word is my truth, He knows and loves me for who I am, He defines me; it has all been said and done. I just pray that I will continue to abide in Him, keep my eyes on Him, serve Him and live for Him… May He help me stay faithful and true to Him, and ready me to meet Him face to face when that day comes.  

Christian Liberty and Masking Up

"What would Jesus do? Would He wear a mask in church today?" Mom asked as dinner wrapped up last night. The desired response in the context of the conversation would have been "Yes! He would! For the love of His neighbor and the weaker brother/ sister, He would!"

Pondering some more, I'm not sure He would... Because no virus could infect Him, nor could He carry the virus to another... He would have rid the virus for anyone around Him! I might not even wear a mask if Jesus is in church today; might not, need not, would not!

BUT Jesus has not yet returned. He has not yet established His decisive rule. So destruction, death and disease still runs rampant. And if WWJD is not a helpful question in this context, what should one do? Debate, divide and sow discord? I pray not! Even though the Bible is NOT explicit about Covid per say, biblical principles might be helpful. These are a few of our family's thoughts and are meant to be descriptive rather than prescriptive. 

These passages have guided most of our thought process - 

• Romans 13:1 "Let everyone be subject to governing authorities" 
• 1 Cor 9:19 -22 "Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some...
• 1 Cor 10:31-33 "so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble... For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

1. We decided as a family to adopt CDC guidelines in this area, since they are the authorities in public health.. So when they issued the new guidance a few weeks back, we decided to try our best to adopt it. Emphasis on try. Even though exemptions have been given to houses of worship in the States, this is not the case for most countries. If not for the politics behind separation of state and church in the US, may we gladly be subject to governing authorities in this matter since it does not contradict with our core beliefs.

2. Serving in children's ministry, all of the kids are not vaccinated. Even though not all of them are wearing masks and we are vaccinated, we wanted to do our little bit to not risk infecting them.

3. Masks wearers are a minority in the church, and we wanted to help anyone who felt more comfortable wearing masks to not be overly self conscious - that there are others who wear masks too! I have to admit that it has not always been easy, there is some peer pressure when the majority are not wearing masks.

4. The vaccination rate in Cook County is fairly low (around 50%), and that's probably not too far from where the congregation vaccination rate is. In light of this, for the protection of both the vaccinated and unvaccinated, it might be a wise and loving thing to use the means of masks, to do what we can to not contribute to the spread of the virus broadly.

5. For the medical professionals among our family and friends, for whom the battle with Covid is a daily reality... And for many other families who have suffered from or lost loved ones to Covid... This is just a very small way of showing solidarity.

6.  I do think there is Christian liberty here, and if there is, how shall we use our liberty? Why not use the freedom to wear masks instead of not wearing masks? Why not use the freedom to do the less comfortable thing for oneself?

Christians have differed on so many issues throughout the centuries - from eschatology to baptism, from women's role in ministry to dress code... And where there are differences in the non-essential issues; we have debated thoughtfully, listened to each other carefully, and agreed to disagree gracefully. We stand united in the core tenants of our faith, and accept differences in interpretations and preferences. Vaccinations and masking up, these may have to be among such issues. For some, this may be where the rubber meets the road. 

At the end of the day, the brother who is not vaccinated is still my brother in Christ. The sister who is masking up is still my sister in Christ. Nothing is more fundamental than how I view him or her - bought with the precious blood of Christ.  We may have landed on different sides on this, but it will be the plank in my eye that I have to remove, if I cannot move past this speck of saw-dust in theirs. Nothing will threaten our unity in Christ, nor inhibit us from worshipping together. Nothing shall separate us, for God has joined us as One as the Bride of Christ.

For where I seek to love my neighbor in masking up, I must also seek to love my neighbor when they have a different perspective. And "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13:4-8)

13 years of our story in His Story

We were strangers, starting out on a journey.
Never dreaming, what we'd have to go through
Now here we are, I'm suddenly standing. At the beginning with you

The last 13 years of journeying went by in the blink of an eye. Starting in Raycom Building ZGC, Beijing 15 years ago to Barrington IL. We went from strangers in a foreign land, to getting more accustomed to doing domestic life together. Striving for each day in parenting, serving one another while anticipating how the other would predictably respond and “fighting cleaner”. I love going through the million little small things in life with you and learning how to help one another be a better spouse. I love standing at the beginning of each day with you. 

No one told me, I was going to find you. Unexpected, what you did to my heart

When I lost hope, you were there to remind me. This is the start 

 It is not easy to find “our people” and much less “my person”. I am grateful how closely God knits our hearts and minds together. It is through the million little small and big conversations that I know, there is no one else on earth who sees and knows my heart as clearly as you. Be it navigating big topics like diversity, church and politics, the medium ones like our cross cultural marriage, parenting and navigating future dreams across geographies or the daily minutia of scheduling and my walks in the parks... Your Christ-centeredness, humility and TGC and wiki-pedia of a mind sharpens me.  


And life is a road that I wanna keep going. Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever, wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning. I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing. At the beginning with you

And through God’s active hand, we’re standing at the beginning of yet another cross-road, albeit a familiar looking one. There may be human wounds we sustained and human responsibility we must bear, but I trust God’s good sovereign hand in this. Even as you put our family first and view your highest calling to lead a quiet faithful life unto the Lord, my prayer is for you to use all the gifts that our good Father has so richly endowed you with to His glory and pleasure. That like Eric Liddell, you can say of your gift “God made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure.” Not for people nor unto man, but for Him. And I am so glad to be standing at the beginning of this journey with you.


We were strangers, on a crazy adventure. 

Never dreaming, how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future. At the beginning with you

Happy Anniversary to my favorite fellow pilgrim and best friend! 13 years in and there is no one else I'd rather be making this journey with - with the twisty turns, speed bumps, uphill climbs, trudging through the desert, cruising by the coasts, riding through the plains and sometimes just being able to see the next step.
Thank you for talking life through with me, and readying me for the Day I will stand before Higher Throne! I love you, very very very much!

Further up and Further in!

To wrap up the Narnia series, this long overdue post will help me remember some of my favorite moments in the last few books. Thank you C.S Lewis for capturing my imagination, wrapping me up in a reality that is truer than the one that I’m living in, feeding my mind and giving my heart a yearning for what is most worthy to be longed for than all the desires in this world. I look forward to meeting you some day in the new Narnia!

The Silver Chair

“I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia.”

“Suppose... suppose we have only dreamed and made up these things like sun, sky, stars, and moon, and Aslan himself. In that case, it seems to me that the made-up things are a good deal better than the real ones. And if this black pits of a kingdom is the best you can make, then it's a poor world. And we four can make a dream world to lick your real one hollow.”

“Aslan didn't tell Pole what would happen. He only told her what to do. That fellow will be the death of us once he's up, I shouldn't wonder. But that doesn't let us off following the signs.”

 

The Horse and his boy

“Onward and Upward! To Narnia and the North!”

“But as long as you know you're nobody special, you'll be a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole, and taking one thing with another.”

"I was the lion who forced you to join with Avaris. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

 

The Last Battle

“She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age.”

“Well done, last of the Kings of Narnia, who stood firm at the darkest hour.”

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!"

Price Caspian & The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I’ve been delightfully wrapped up in the world of Narnia, as I read the C.S Lewis classic to Mya and Elliot. Maybe it’s reading aloud, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I know the Bible better; the chronicles have become all the more precious, rich, layered and haunting at the same time. The stories hearken truths in the Scripture,  the words serve their purpose in the book but also point us to the meta reality – beyond Narnia, beyond England, beyond the reader’s world to the heavenly city in Aslan’s country. 

Just as Aslan said to Edmund at the end of “The Voyager of the Dawn Treader” - “This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.” Lewis has accomplished this purpose in spades. 

***

Here are 2 of my favorite moments in Price Caspian. 

“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger".

"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

Lucy has in fact grown bigger. Yet in God’s grace, Aslan seemed so much bigger. Aslan is the same, but Lucy now has clearer eyes to see. For as a child, we see as a child. The same could not be said for Peter, Susan and Edmund; who did not see Aslan initially. There were blinders in their eyes. The effect of age for one, grew eyes of faith to see how much greater God truly is; and yet for another, caused blindness and failure to see Him for who He truly is.

May I find you bigger with each year I grow Lord, and have eyes to see You for who You are.

**

“Hush!” said the other four, for now Aslan had stopped and turned and stood facing them, looking so majestic that they felt as glad as anyone can who feels afraid, and as afraid as anyone can who feels glad. … Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, “Susan…. You have listened to fears, child,: said Asland. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them Are you brave again?”

“And now, where is this little Dwarf, this famous swordsman and archer, who doesn’t believe in lions?” .. Aslan pounced. Have you ever seen a young kitten being carried in the mother cat’s mouth?

The dwarf flew up in the air. He was as safe as if he had been in bed, though he did not feel so. As he came down, the huge velvety paws caught him as gently as a mother's arms, and set him -- right way up, too -- on the ground.
"Son of Earth, shall we be friends?" asked Aslan.
"Ye-- uh, Yes," panted the dwarf, for he had not yet got his breath back.”

Susan throughout their journey to Aslan’s How refused to believe Aslan was with them and guiding them. She insisted on following her instincts and conventional wisdom, throwing shade on Lucy many a times. Trumpkin the Dwarf on the other hand, did not and refused to believe that Aslan is real and exists. Towards both, I shook my head many a times – “wait till you finally see Aslan! You will have your reckoning!”

Aslan’s reaction caught me offguard. And once again I was humbled and broken by grace. Aslan did not call them to account, not a chiding remark, not a single word about how wrong they have been. He just embraced them, helped them move past themselves towards a restored relationship with him. How foreign grace is to those who want justice, how little did I understand grace. Is He really that good?

 

***

I have been surprised how The Voyage of the Dawn Treader has captured my heart and imagination so deeply. Watching the motion movie for the first time might have something to do with it. But I think it’s because life is more like a journey with many twists and turns, ups and downs; than having everything lead up to that one epic confrontation or climactic battle. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader's pacing might be atypical and odd at first read, but then you find yourself reliving the journey many times after you close the book.  

**

“But who is Aslan? Do you know him?"
"Well-he knows me," said Edmund. "He is the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea, who saved me and saved Narnia.” …

“Then the lion said – but I don't know if it spoke – You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep and I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”

What a profound picture of the process of sanctification. Eustace became a dragon after having dragonish thoughts over treasure, he became what his heart treasured and he could not “un-dragon” himself. It is him surrendering to Aslan, letting Aslan do his work on him, that his scales were finally peeled away. And so it is for us - that Jesus has to come and peel away the idols that has enslaved us.

**

“Where sky and water meet. Where the waves grow sweet. Doubt not, Reepicheep, to find all you seek, there is the utter east.” …

“This,” said Reepicheep, “is where I go on alone.”.. Then he took off his sword (“I shall need it no more, “ he said) and flung it far away across the lilied sea…. Then he bade them goodbye, trying to be sad for their sakes; but he was quivering with happiness.

Throughout the voyage, Reepicheep had one goal – to go to Aslan’s country. He thought of it night and day, he sang of it, he would not be deterred even if he had to paddle and go on alone in his little coracle. All he wanted to do was to go to Aslan’s country. Oh, the joy he had when he finally found it! He threw off his trusty sword that accompanied him on many battles, despite the “unknown territory”, for he knew there was no more fighting in Aslan’s country. As much as he loved his friends, he was ready to leave them all behind; for all his life’s longing is now to be fulfilled before him.

I must confess that I’ve had many thoughts about what it would be like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death – there is some fear and trepidation and unshakable dread. On good days, the hope and joy of heaven and seeing Jesus helps lift the dark clouds away. But this noble little mouse, this little mouse with a lion’s heart, has challenged my love and longing for heaven. Perhaps, if my life’s goal and true longing is to go to be place where Jesus has prepared for us; perhaps, I might quiver with happiness as I take my final breath.  

***

Most people who know me, know that I love happy endings. But it's not just about happy endings, it is about certain, definite, sure, happy endings. When Aslan appears, the fight is over. There is certain victory. Light will triumph, darkness does not stand a chance. There is no faltering with my Hero from Heaven, He has won decisively and triumphantly. So why not happy endings?  

Happy Birthday Elliot!

 

Dearest Elliot, 

Happy birthday! How is it that you are 5 already? What a fun day we've had with friends dropping by for a quick visit, just to celebrate you. We hope you know how blessed you are by God, the friends He has given you is just a small glimpse of that. 

You have grown in so many ways this past year. Learning to sound out letters, ride your bike and scooter, roller blade, swim, memorize verses, use the Ipad (that did not take long) and more. 

It makes me smile to see you enjoying books - My Father's Dragon, Mr Popper's Penguin, The Wild Robot and the many superhero books from the library; your superhero knowledge vault has quadrupled in size this year! I love that you share some of my favorite foods - pandan cake, orh-nee pancake and squid, to name a few. It tickles me that you cannot stop trying long words like "Anti-disestablishmentarianism" (this is probably the first time i've ever typed the word), supercalifragilisticexpelidocious, Tiki-tiki-tambo-no-sar-rambo-chari-bari-ruchee-pik-peri-pambo. I love to see you at ninja class, battle with Daddy, batting balls in the playroom and running laps around the kitchen. It makes me so proud to hear you talking to your teachers, friends, doctors, adults, anyone really. I love how you play with Mya - in fair weather, rain or snow, dance to Dyanamite and Imitator Tots. It's cute how taken you are with Reepicheep. I love your cheeky grin, smile and spirit. I love you!

And it is in love, that I hope and pray. That God will choose you, save you, justify you, sanctify you and use you. That God will make you know Him, love Him, fear Him, serve Him and enjoy Him. That God will bless you with wisdom and many talents, to be His light and hands and feet in this world, serving others. That God will mold you in His likeness, and be a man of integrity and noble character. That God will give you a love for His Word, that you will meditate on it day and night, and be like the tree planted by streams of water, yielding fruit for the Lord in season. That He will keep you from evil and harm (Psalm 1). For this year specifically, I pray that God will give self control - over your anger and tame the tiger that is crouching at the door by His strength; over your desire for screen time and discover the world He has given you; and over your physical impulses.

You have also grown me and are growing me in many ways. To not sweat the scribbles on the wall, not blink twice at the messes and not balk at the food, mud, clothes, soap or what-have-you trails that you leave behind; yet, how do I train you to be responsible? To find beauty in the blue tornados you draw. To trust God when you fall, fracture your pinky or need stitches on your chin; I'm still trying to learn how to raise a boy to be wild and safe. To get to know your quirks and triggers for you are uniquely made - when you are not saying what you would do; I can't discipline you like i discipline Mya can I? To stop working and spend time with you, for these moments do not last forever. You show me every day God's steadfast love, and grow me every day as I think about our Father's love for us. 

I am humbled that God would entrust you with Daddy and me. I cannot wait to see the many ways God will grow you and me this coming year. I love you, son. Happy 5th birthday! 

2020 Thanksgiving Diary (I)

 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

As I picture entering God’s gates with the “battle scars” from this year of Covid, I am thankful for the refining that He has done this year – not just to me, but for the world. Generations come and go, but He alone is forever; His goodness, His love and His faithfulness. He deserves all thanks, praise and honor; not for the deliverance and gifts He will provide, but because He is worthy. This post will get too long if I list all the ways I am thankful, but I will attempt to gather the threads that I think He is weaving in this little life of mine this year and my hopes for the next.

Arthur and Marriage

The year started with a health scare that had Arthur having to get an MRI on his brain. Even though there were no symptoms that warranted fretting over, the optometrist’s concerns were enough to drive me to plead God for more time with Arthur. And then Covid struck, my prayers for more time were answered in an unexpected way. More meals together, time to workout in the morning together, more relentless days juggling kids and work together, more tough conversations; I’ve loved every moment of it. I am so very thankful for this man who turned 40 this year, and pray that we will get to spend the next 40 years or more growing together.

There are 2 thorns in this bed of roses that I hope to work on next year as a wife.

I was asked recently how a decision of mine would impact Arthur and his calling. I have not thought about my role in his calling in a long time, and this was a good wake-up call for me. I think this is why our tag-teaming partnership has felt a tat lackluster. I want to spend less energy figuring out our schedules to give each other time and space to work, and more time praying for and helping with Arthur’s calling.

It was difficult to hear when Arthur shared that he is wary about sharing some spiritual things with me, because of how this contrarian wife would respond. Even though she has come a long way from giving too many "constructive criticisms" on his sermons too quickly, and "crying foul" about him wanting to hold back; I want to prove with time and gentleness, that my heart can sing with his on the things that he hold so dear.   

Kids and Motherhood

The parenthood train keeps moving forward and it feels like we are at a new station. Mya’s silent treatment (I’ll pretend not to hear you by not responding), logical deduction (“why do I have to listen to you?”, “seriously?!!”), eye rolls and passionate cries for justice (“it’s not fair!”), is reminiscent of my youthful antics; but isn’t this a little early? Like she is me from yesteryear, I am my mother then. Homework sagas, yelling, nagging, impatient, comparing her with others – God help me please! As for Elliot, the tiger within still needs more taming and the bitter juice of shame extracting. So many times this year, it feels like I’ve come to the end of myself and all I can do is get on my knees.

Still, I am thankful to be their mama and grateful for every day with them. The hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs, cries and tantrums, the throw-ups, home-made videos, card/magic tricks, jokes, battles, pranks, games; the way they take on a new challenge, language, experience or sport; the deeper questions they are asking. I am thankful for the many ways they have inspired me, challenged me to grow and gifted me with the colors they add to each day.

Lord, please help me treasure these days. To not be in a hurry to move out of this station, but to lean into all the lessons that this stop has to offer. To fix my eyes on you and not on others, to not make comparisons and lose patience. Please use me to nurture these seedlings, so that they can bloom and thrive for your glory.

To be continued…

Happy Birthday Honey!

Dearest Arthur, 

Happy 40th Birthday! 

I am so very blessed to be yours. 

You are my best friend, lover, counselor, advocate, encourager and inspiration. You are evidence of His love to me, you shine His light on me, you bring His Word to me, you sharpen me to be more like Him and you love me like Christ wants you to. 

Even though you are endowed with all the gifts to be in the limelight, you are always content to stay in the shadows. You desire that Christ shall be greater and you be lesser. You want to live a peaceful and quiet life, for your greatest life work to have been faithfully loving Him. Thank you for being a servant-hearted leader. 

You serve me and the kids so selflessly. Maybe I have your "OCD" and perfectionist-tendencies to thank. :) But thank you for always doing the dishes - even though i give you a hard time for doing them too quickly. Thank you for always tidyng the house. More importantly, for giving me all the time and space to flourish. For parenting the Mya and Elliot with me - you bring them so much joy, laughter, fun; and also safety, discipline and instruction. I love the husband and father you are. 

Your weaknesses are many, as are mine. Yet they help me be thankful - that you the happy loner would choose to marry me, that you the responsible vagabond would choose to settle down, that you pursue purity, that you would sometimes lay your Self down. 

I am acutely aware of the short time that we have here, thank you for spending the last fourteen years with me. On your fortieth birthday, I pray that God will let me spend at least another forty years with you here, and then in eternity. I love you so much! 

Hoping you'll be blessed by the walk down memory lane here -https://www.kudoboard.com/boards/wFfLJjaP

Color

I thought I might escape unscathed

From the virus and the prejudice

I live a Democratic state I surmised

Among the learned liberals who will not bat an eye

To my color.

And then it happened along the frozen aisle

He saw me come and said “You stay away!”

Like I was the plague that passed him by

He turned to face the freezers and shook his head

At this person of color.

It is on them, I shall not be mad

I will take the high ground and not react

I barely settled in the car when I felt a knife twist in my heart

He left more than a scare on me

And how I wear my color.

This is nothing compared to the headlines

He was beaten by the police

He was shot unjustly

He was accused and molested via a body search

Because of his color.

This is nothing compared to history

They had to sit behind on the bus

They had to use different bathrooms

They could not eat at the same restaurant

For they had a different color.

Yet we still do it to one another, color to color

One might be a victim and to another a perpetrator

A stare, a snub, a step aside

Words, violence, genocide

Reactions to colors.

Lord haste the day when You will come

When we shall all be as one

When we will see each other through your eyes

Beautiful, dignified, treasured

Because of Christ.

Covid-19

When 2020 dawned, there was much optimism as the world turned the page into a new decade. The stock markets were riding a 10-year bull and it seemed almost invincible. We were all so confident about the future, the dreams and projects we planned. And in dramatic fashion, it all came crashing down.

As thick dark clouds continue to shroud the sun and loom on the horizon, this eternal optimist finds their silver lining in her little piece of the sky.

Life matters, living matters. Debates on abortions, guns and euthanasia tend to dominate political debates and headlines, especially during the US elections. “I will do what I want with my life, my body and my possessions, and that is my right.” And these topics divide – families and neighbors. Yet in the face of Covid-19, we all agree that we want the death rates to drop. We practice social distance, for ourselves and our neighbors. We want to live, and not succumb to the virus. Let us agree that we are more united in our view that life is sacred, than our choices. Let us see that we are willing to do more that we thought we would, to preserve the life of others. Let us remember this as we move forward, and not forget. “So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them… God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.” Gen 1:27, 31

Death and disease know no master. Nor fame, nor power, nor riches, nor country, nor race; and they are our common enemy. Even though each country is fighting the battle within their borders, and there may have been some finger pointing, there is a sense that the world is united in fighting the corona virus together. This is no longer a battle that they are fighting, we are all in this together. We all see that death is the great equalizer, that the rich and famous are not immune. Leaders may rewrite constitutions to secure their reign forever, or boast that they are immutable; yet they are helpless when the corona virus ravage their nation. When things are going well and we are happy on our own merry way, we forget that being able to take a full breath is grace. May we be humbled, and know in our hearts, that we are not in control. We can only strive to be the best stewards we can be, with what we have been given.  And if a mortal might so be chosen to be clothed with immortality, to hold fast the belief that “death has been swallowed up in victory”. I Cor 15:54

There is no judgement in fear, but there is hope in “one for the other”. Stockpiling in Singapore first drew chiding from the ministers, that the behavior was “Sia-suay” (disgraceful) and reminiscent of “third world behavior in a first world country”. There was no such social commentary in the States. I surmise that this is due to the collectivistic Asian society, where the greater public good is more important than one’s personal good. I am proud of my little nation – not just her efforts to curtail the spread, but also her desire to handle adversity with grace. More still, I hope that this grace extends in social media. Commentary on how nations are handling the situation are unhelpful, we are all trying. We are all afraid, yes. But let’s help each other be wise and informed, and not breed paranoia.

Be thankful, for the much that we have been given and for our loved ones. In my own little life, I wanted more – a new laptop, more money, better prospects and a growing portfolio. Nothing like the crowned virus to put things in perspective. In a climate where children might go hungry because school is out, employees are laid off because stores are shut, and we cannot even give hugs to comfort others… I am thankful for the work I have and still be able to provide for my family. I am thankful that I have my husband in my arms and kids on my lap. I am thankful that the family in Singapore and the US are still healthy to-date. I am thankful for my church family. I am thankful for technology to stay connected. I am thankful that God has me where I am. I am thankful, period. Lord, help me remember and keep my contentment in check, always.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands for us – yes, establish the work of our hands.” ~ Psalm 90:12-17

Colors of the wind

As with most things, I’m often late to the game. Late to catch the joke, late to the reckoning, and late to feeling something.

A few weeks ago, there I was late to the farewell party. The party were sharing stories about horrible summer jobs and trading laughs. I enjoyed the tales and the food, happy not to be called upon. I think. And then D walked into the room, also late to the party. Soon after, M filled him in on the conversation topic and G asked him to contribute.

The conversation then turned into donkey meat. G thought it was a famous Korean delicacy. H, a Korean, said no – it’s likely the Chinese. “Korean, Chinese, they’re all about the same. You Asians look alike.”
I looked at he whom I considered a friend at work, “Did you seriously just say that?”
“I don’t mean to be racist, but can you tell apart Japanese, Korean and Chinese?”

This exchange inevitably threw shade on my first experience. Was I a fly on the wall? Did I exist? Am I my own person?

***

In light of what we celebrated on MLK day last month, it stung. It’s been hard being an Asian woman at work recently. So often I am the only woman in the room, the only Asian in the room, the only Asian woman at the table. On most days, I like to “be a big girl” and not “sweat the small stuff”. But it makes me sad that I cannot see a different future. How can I educate the privileged about their blind spots? How can I address this without coming across as being petty or playing the victim card? What is the Christian response to this?

Even though I shared with the kids about how MLK changed the world, and how fortunate we are to be living at this time; the feeling that the same problems still exists, nagged at me. It was there between the Jews and the Gentiles, the slaves and the masters. It was there between men and women, black and white. It is still here today. We can push the envelope with a female Santa, Captain Marvel, Black Panther and Fresh off the Boat. Yet the conversation continues.

Some say keeping the conversation going is the point. But doesn’t the need for conversation mean that the matter is not resolved? I’m not saying to stop talking about it, but I want to move past that. I don’t want to fight for my rights. I don’t want to prove my worth twice as hard. I don't want to hear snide remarks when I'm working from home so I can go to my children's class parties.

I want to see differences acknowledged and celebrated. I want to see everyone treated fairly and given equal chances (and pay checks for that matter). I want to see that a black sheep does not make the whole herd grey. I want to see women helping one another, and not tearing each other down.

***

God saw Hagar, God grafted Ruth into the Messiah’s family tree, Esther saved the entire nation, Jesus sought out the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha. And God grafted me, the foreign woman, in. There is hope yet. Perhaps not fully in this world, but in the one to come. And may God help me remember, at times when I’m on the other side.

4 days on my own

Arthur was in Kansas City last week for 4 days, and I nearly lost my mind. 4 days trying to juggle the kids and work, I became the mean witch so far from Mary Poppins.

Did I raise my voice and practically yelled at them? Check.

Did I say things I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Did I put them in front of a TV show more than I should have? Guilty.

Did I busy cleaning around the house instead of spending time with them? Uh-huh.

I felt like an utter failure. For not being able to enjoy my kids as much as I should have. For not being as patient with them as I should have. For saying the things I never wanted to say to them. For speaking in a volume I never wanted to speak to them in. For being a simmering volcano, with one too many eruptions. I was practically a high strung nut case. Feeling behind at work, feeling behind in parenting, feeling behind in home-making. Feeling behind in practically everything.

That is not to say the kids were innocent white doves while I went bersek. They were sinful children all right – testing their limits, procrastinating, lounging, talking back, being defiant, wanting to be the parent, all of the above. My sin does not absolve theirs, and their sin does not absolve mine. Oh, how long suffering and compassionate our Father in Heaven.

I always say that the stay-at-home-parent’s job is the hardest in the world. I knew it then, I know it now. My hats off to all you stay-at-home parents and all the single parents. I cannot do what you do. And God knew.

I am so thankful being a working mom, and so thankful to Arthur for being the one who juggles the demands of work and kids every single day. Thankful that my children forgive my failings and bear it like no one could; thankful knowing that I’m a sinful mother in need of as much grace as my little ones do.

I’m gonna do this again. Watch them on my own while Arthur is away. Lose my mind and fail again. But, I will rise to the challenge, I will. One day at a time. One ball at a time. One crumb at a time. One breath at a time. One mistake at a time. Holding on to each time I notice Him showing up in a very tangible way. And I know His grace will be sufficient, for us all.  

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!