Elliot's First Words

“Shhhh….” Elliot picked up his shoes and brought them to us. Half tottering and half pointing at the door, he wants to go outside.

“Shhh…” He points to the fishes in the tank at the library. He spots the fish picture from a distance.

“Ddduc.. Dddduc” Elliot likes ducks A LOT. Ducks swimming in the river, ducks on books, ducks in songs. “Ddduc.. Dduc.. Dduc..” When a duck is in sight, he points at them vigorously and moves towards them as fast as his legs can carry him. Oh Elliot, be careful, don’t fall into the water!  

He is 2 words shy of the 5 that the pediatrician would like, and I wish Daddy and Mummy will be part of the mix soon. Even then, he is plenty communicative. Between his royal pointing and “uh..s!”, we hear you Elliot. We hear you and we love you!

***

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him playing hide and seek with me around the kitchen counter;

I think about him playing tag with Mya in the living room;

I think about him playing ball with daddy.

Whenever I want to smile,

I think about him giggling while waiting to nurse,

I think about him giggling when we tickle him,

I think about him giggling when we laugh.

When I want to smile,

I think about him giving me his brightest smile.

I think about snuggling with him in bed.

I think about how blessed I am that he is mine.

Thank you God for giving him to us even before we knew him. We love you Elliot! 

For Naught

You ask, “where is God when it hurts? Where is the church when it hurts?”

You think the church has failed you and treated you wrong.

You think they have fulfilled your worst expectations of them.

You wonder about the depth of relationships you had.  

You don’t feel like repenting any more.

You will not be like them, “not like this!” you cry.

You deserve different, “not this!” for grace you demand.

Do you believe you are getting what you deserve?

Were some relationships an idol?

Were they built on food and the faces you offered?

Did you crave more their intimacy and approval than His?

Are you indicting those who can be seen because He can’t?

Are those who are still around to be treated as naught?

Do you know what grace is? Unmerited mercy.

You blame Him for not stopping you.

Did you dig out your eye? Or chop off your hand?

Did you let others in and confess?

Did you take the ropes He sent many a time?

You think David kept his life intact?

One son died and another tried to take his life

Hiding in caves and being on the run. Luxury? Not .

You’re not a broken wolf, but do you see the signs?

You have the “true insights” and outtalk your critics

You are the victim, the puppet

He controls the strings.

What is it to you how they respond?

What is it to you what the other wolves might be like?

What is it to you that their lives might seem to shine.

The son is willing to return to be the slave

He who disowned the Lord fed His sheep

The thief who plead for mercy and Jesus’ memory

Not the betrayer done in by the rope

Not the false king fighting to sit on the throne

Read Psalm 51

I pray that David’s repentance song and salvation be yours some day

Easter Reflections 2017

I’m on a bed in my final moments. Loved ones around my bed. I shall miss them dearly, miss the things we’ve done, miss the moments in their lives that are to come. I ache that I will be with them no longer. I wonder what life will be like on the other side. The unknown gives me some trepidation.

And then I remember.  

That even though I must walk through the valley, I am not alone. He will be with me. His rod and His staff shall comfort me. He will carry me through and death shall not be my final song. My sin will not do me in.

That I may see them on the other side, that this is just a temporary goodbye, that someday we’ll be together forever in eternity. In that glorious garden city, we will be reunited, making more memories in our new bodies, with our Savior.

And I shall pass on triumphantly, peacefully and boldly. Reaching out for the Lord’s nail pierced hands, into His arms I shall rest.

This Easter, I am keenly aware of my mortality. Whilst I am grateful for the salvation in Christ, I am even more grateful that He is my benefactor. The One who can save my children, I shall forever be indebted to. 

Trumpety Trump

I’ve never really been into nor get politics – maybe because of my Singaporean upbringing (yay for benevolent dictatorship!); but this recent US election sure got my attention. I’m also no expert in American politics – my education began with The West Wing, I still don’t get how something moves through Congress or the Senate, and I neither identify as a Republican nor Democrat. But, so much has been tweeted, published and said about this election; and I’d just like to process out-loud a little.

There are many theories on how or why Trump won. Democracy gone awry, people just wanted change, he tapped into the deep dissatisfaction that people had, everyone loves an underdog, the election was Hillary’s to lose, he is white and male, etc. But at the end of the day, it was a choice between 2 extremely unqualified candidates (John Piper); facts or alternative facts; they all fade into the grey sea of politics. I can’t in good conscience support or endorse either, and I don’t like either of them. I am so glad that I did not have to vote.

However, is it so bad that he won? Look at Absalom, Nebuchadnezzar, the Pharisees, Pilate; the norm in the Bible is bad leaders. Horrific leaders. Recent history can also attest to that – Hitler, Mao, Mussolini, Bill Clinton. How does Trump compare?

I’m not saying that we should reduce our standard for leaders, but we need to recognize that “good” leaders are rare and nothing short of God’s good grace. Having a “good” leader is a gift, not an entitlement. If we expect the worst, as is to be expected in this broken fallen world, then nothing’s gonna be “too bad”. So God gave the role to him, I pray that he will make the best of the opportunity he has been given and Christians can hopefully lead more quiet and peaceful lives and advance the Kingdom of God.

As to where I stand on the few topics (just my personal opinion) –

1. Yay for gun control. Ban guns, absolutely.
2. Nay for abortion. Feminists drive me crazy on this one. Thou shalt not kill y’all! And you can’t do whatever you like with your body, it’s not yours! Provisions to be made for ethically challenging situations like it’s either the mother or baby.
3. Basic human dignity for all – meaning you don’t discriminate against the minorities or abuse those who have a different gender orientation. They are still made in the image of God. Co-exist with them, respect them, befriend them, love them, try to understand them, walk in their skin, see them. But the LGBTQ have also irked me as well with all their agendas and "misusing" the First Amendment. It does not help that they dominate the media, and so the majority is sometimes persecuted by the minority.    

4. Immigration – I think there needs to be a balance between protectionist policies and welcoming diversity. The Commonwealth is very protective over saving jobs for “their people”. I think that’s fair. But one ought to still strive to be a good neighbor, take care of the widows, orphans and refugees, and not become a hermit.
5. Building the wall – Please don’t ignore what common sense and the experts are saying, or the price tag! Building a wall is no way to go – have we gone back to the days of Qin Shi-Huang? The Great Wall of USA?!
6. Execution and experience – both of which the current administration has been sorely lacking, as with the recent 7 countries ban fiasco. I hope they’ll learn from their mistakes, learn from the past, seek advice and second opinions.
7. Press Secretary – he’s like his boss.
8. First Lady - I think it’s ok if Melanie is an absent First Lady. She’ll not be missed, let her be. Out of the limelight. Please. 

Elliot is one!

Our little boy turned one. He’s been around for only 1 year, 9 months and 4 days.. And I cannot remember what life was like without him. Oh my little Elliot! You’re one already?!

You were always chill, even in my tummy. Thank you for an easy pregnancy!

You were a big baby when you were born. All the nurses could not believe how a tiny Asian mama like me can push out a 9lb baby. But I knew God gave us a strong sturdy boy.

You pooped the jaundice away, and braved all the blood tests like a champ.

When others asked me who you resemble, I always answer, “your sister”. You do! The shape of your face, your eyes, when you sit in the high chair, the way you both hate bibs and the crib. You’re also revealing quite a little temper – which is great because you’re no pushover!

Your smiles and giggles are infectious, so we let you get away when you showered us with squirts or tore daddy’s books. You’re an observant explorer, watching closely, imitating and getting into all sorts of new territory. You’re a careful adventurer, you want us to hold your hands as you lead the way. You’re an excellent communicator with your royal hand wave, stretched arms and finger point, oh and of course your cries too.  You’re getting playful, teasing us with your gurgles and peek-a-boos. You’ve started to sing but I wish you’ll coo “mama” soon!

God was kind, we were not first time parents when we had to experience a backful of eczema, hand foot mouth and roseola virus (103F fever and puking). You’ve strengthened our constitution and made me a medical online sleuth.

All these precious nothings and little somethings, they mean the world to me. I am so thankful to God for a little slice of heaven every time you are around me, when you rest your head on me, snuggle up in bed beside me, cling on to me like a koala and hug me. You make me feel more for all the babies out there without a home, you make me pray more because nothing is for granted, you make me love being your mummy. I love you Elliot! Keep growing in the love and fear of the Lord! 

Birthday album

Hey dear sisters...

For K

What is it that binds you to him?

Is it just fun? Is it his son?

Was loneliness too hard to bear?

What if there was another someone?

How does he cherish you?

Does he share your passion and dreams?

Can you talk about history with him?

Does he inspire you to be the best you can be?

If you had to choose between your family and him

Not that we will ever make you choose

But if you had to, how easy will it be?

Will it be ok if we don’t always see him?

Will you regret in years to come?

To have settled for the one?

Perhaps a bird in hand is better

Than two in the tree

**

For M

It’s hard to be away

But I don’t want to stay away

Is the only way to love to return

Can love not transcend distance

I want to listen to your heart

And hear your silent cries

Look deep inside

Where secrets and pain hide

You can choose who you confide

I will always stand by your side

Feel however you feel

Nothing will waver my commitment to you

Sisters are given

Precious from our Heavenly Father

I could not have chosen better

Than a sister like you

Lavish Love

Reflections from Pastor Colin’s sermon series (Phil 2: 1-15) and the Christmas stories this year

At Christmas, God lavished His love on us by abandoning heaven and coming to be born in a cattle trough, humbling Himself to take on frail human flesh. Not a comfortable crib lined with hay, a cattle trough where the animals feed – where pigs, sheep, horses, cows eat.

And the true God-King of all the cosmos subjected Himself to the hunt of the pseudo king Herod. The true King did not consider power to be grasped and exploited for His benefit, but laid that all down for love; whilst the false kings of this world fight so hard and kill to grasp at straws to preserve their moments of fleeting fame.

Jesus gave up the adoration of the angels, for the praise of a few lowly shepherds. Shepherds who left their flock behind to go worship the Lord of the universe. Even the little baby was worth it all.

Jesus obediently submit to His Father’s will, to die cursed on the cross, and redeemed us for God. So God exalted Him to the highest place, that the Son of God and Son of Man is seated on the right hand of God, interceding for us, loving us.

How then shall we lavish our love on God? On Jesus? On the Holy Spirit?

Jesus did not leave behind His deity when He came to earth, and He did not stop being human now that He is in heaven. I am so thankful that He is one of us. This made me think about the catchy song by Joan Osborne – One of us. It’s a whimsical seemingly thoughtful song, but as I think more about it, my Jesus is one of us, not in a way that the song suggests. Hence my attempt to rewrite/ respond it..

One of us (response)

God had a name and it is Jesus
And I can call Him by His name

If I was faced with Him in all His glory
What would I ask if I had just one question

Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

God became like one of us
Not a slob like one of us
A holy stranger in this world
So He can take us back home

So God had a face, He looked ordinary
And would you believe
He gave up heaven and glory

So He can obey His Father and fulfill what was said by all the prophets

Yeah, yeah, God is great…

God became like one of us
Not a slob like one of us
A holy stranger in this world
So He can take us back home

He died and made His way home
Back up to heaven on His throne
Where He hears us calling on Him

Not just the pope nor just in rome

Yeah, yeah, God is great...

He came to be born in a stable

Then He rolled away the stone

Went back to heaven on His throne
Because He loves us sinners so

He hears us calling without the phone

Not just the pope nor just in rome

Mya’s tales

Fizzy the Lizard came to us from China, so Mya says. He (sometimes she) came up to Mya and asked to be her friend. And the rest was history. Ever since, he has been her good friend and she, his. She carries her in the palm of her hand sometimes, but most frequently runs around with him in the scoop of her hands. Fizzy likes meat, vegetables and rice krispies. Mya puts him to bed and takes very good care of him, sometimes more so than her brother Elliot! Fizzy has 2 good friends – a bunny who is his nurse, and a squirrel.

Mya also has 2 cats at home (no we don’t!). They can’t eat strawberries because they make them sick.

#firstimaginaryfriends

**

“Daddy is mean and bad. But Mummy is sweet and funny – that’s why I like Mummy..”.

#girlsrock

**

At dinner tonight,

“Mya, say go (Cow)Boys!”

“No, I can’t! I can only say ‘go, girls!’”

#girlsrock

October milestones

There has been so many milestones this month, and I can’t leave one of my favorite months without a page.

Oct 6 – I turned 35, and am possibly nearing the halfway point for this life’s journey on earth. I have gotten into the habit of taking the day off, because I wanna find every reason to celebrate – with fanfare or quiet peace. It’s always worth breaking the routine, taking a pause and living life a little differently.

Standing where I am, I wish I had more close girl friends and my sister around me. And having my parents closer so I can be around them more. But the void is so fully filled by three of the best gifts God has ever given to me, and a church family that I am loving more and more. I cannot be more thankful to my Heavenly Father for His extraordinary grace.

How could I not leave my work behind to look into those hazel eyes

For the widest smile in the world to greet me

His enthused kicking feet and waving arms

For the song she wants to sing me

And the dance she wants to twirl around for me

For the safe place his presence is

How could I not leave the cares of the world behind

Nothing shall pull me away from simply being in ordinary grace

**

Oct 11 – Mya turned 3, and I took the afternoon off (again!) to hang out with her. And then we had a blast at her Dora themed birthday party. We are so blessed to have both family and friends around. And I am again floored by how abundantly God has blessed us with joy through this little girl. A few notes to self:

• Haircut: I think I’m gonna make it a tradition that the kids get a haircut on their birthdays.
• Party idea: Good to have games that both adults and children can play, and candy on cake is always a good idea.
• Cooking lesson: Don’t take the cake out of a hot pan! That was how I ended up with cake pops.

**

Oct 17 – Arthur and I dated for 10 years! I love hearing him tell the story of how he was so nervous the entire day asking me to date him that he got sick, and then between his muffled lines of asking me to go out with him knowing that he was interested, I just said “ok, I’m ready to be your girlfriend!”. And 10 years on, here we are..

**

And then the colossal curveball of a life changing news. My heart aches. Seeing the filth of sin up close and the stains that it leaves. How can God bear to love a filthy sinner and wash me/things clean? If He had not come down from heaven to the depths of humanity, or went through the depth of sorrow, or went down to the depths of the earth, how shall I believe that He can reach down to the depths to rescue and redeem our hearts? He did and can and shall!

This song has been an encouragement to me during this time, and I hope it will be for you too.

August rush

Mya’s tween days are starting too early..

Overheard:

“Leave me alone!” (I don’t think we say this to her, do we??!! Time for reflection..)

“I’m xxx (doing something). Please do not disturb me.”

***

Her favorite song these days is the “Princess song” that she made up.

“I’m a beautiful princess!

Mummy got me some presents!

Mummy told me to swim across the pool!”

Each line ends with a high pitch note at the end. And for the record, I did not tell her to swim across the pool.

***

Mya is teaching Na-Na Sylvia Chinese these days, so Na-Na told me.

Except, it’s “Chinese words” from Mya’s dictionary, delivered with a straight face.

“What’s good morning in Chinese?”

“Hong2-gu2.”

“What’s strawberry in Chinese?”

“Hong2-kah1.”

It’s hard for me to keep a straight face and teach my little pixie Chinese!

***

It’s yet another milestone today for my little Elliot. He’s no longer just rolling around to get to places. He’s kicking and inching forward. Next milestone: army crawl!

***

And thank you Yee-Yee for coming to hang out with us. These “ordinary” days are extraordinary because of you.

8 years Anniversary

This post is long overdue, but better late than never!

To and for my dearest honey…

We’ve known each other for 10 years now (from summer of 2006 in Beijing!) and married for 8 (July 12, 2008).

And now after 5 homes, 4 churches, 3 countries and 2 kids; you are still my 1 and only.

You said the other day that “if you knew what I was like, you would not have married me”.

Although I wish you’d make me breakfast when I’m late,

Pray for me and show more empathy when I’m sick,

Be more proactive in life and resolving conflicts,

Give me more hugs and kisses,

And watch less TV.

I say “I knew you and continue to know you. I would still make the same choice today”.

I see a man who is always trying,

To be better today than yesterday,

I can’t wait for God to unfold our story,

There’s no one else who knows and sees me like you do,

We still have a world to see and many more dreams to fulfill,

And I want to be beside you on this journey and in eternity!

***

Eight years ago

I am married to my best friend

God’s grace through and through

Happy and hard days

Times of joy and sorrow, peace and conflict

Your perfections and imperfections

Everything about you is God’s gift to me

As iron sharpens iron, u

R His rod to protect and discipline me

Surely I am the blessed one to be married to you!

I love you, hunny honey!

***

Color un-Blind

I commented to Arthur the other day how I noticed that Asian news casters and psychologists were “used” to cover/ comment on the recent Dallas shooting on WGNN, because it was a “neutral race” in this saga. It would seem wrong for a black person to cover the assault on their race, and too loaded for a white person to do so.

A “Black lives matter” protest passed me by as I walked towards the train station. One of the banners that caught my eye read “Asian Americans against police brutality”.

Six years ago, I would not have noticed these things. My “racial radar” would have been completely insensitive and I would have taken pride in being “color blind” (ie. I see each individual as he/she is, and not making much about his/her color). And now, thanks to the Multicultural Counseling class in Trinity, my time here in the U.S as a minority and a few jabbing experiences, my racial/cultural journey has begun.

I sometimes lament the loss of my “color/gender innocence” because sometimes it’s all about being politically correct and it becomes the overwhelming lens through which things/people are assessed. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the heightened awareness and sensitivity that I have. A few key lessons I think I’ve learnt so far are –

1. Own my blind spots: admit that I don’t understand the other culture/race. I am not them, I have not been in their shoes and I do not know what they are going through. Despite being human or maybe having had similar experiences, I have no right to assume – not how they think, not how they feel nor how they should respond. I don’t know how the Malays or Indians feel in Singapore, nor the Blacks and Hispanics feel in the U.S. And sometimes I may have discriminated against them knowingly and unknowingly.

2. Empathize: even though I don’t understand, I have to try and empathize. They can feel marginalized and discriminated against even if there was no intention to do so, they have the right to be angry, they are entitled to feel. They can have the space and safety to lick their wounds. Do not justify, their emotions matter and they are real.

3. Celebrate and love as God would: Imago Dei. Remember that they are made in the image of God, lovingly formed by our Heavenly Father, created to reflect His beauty. He gave us color, He gave us culture, He made us different. Despite all our imperfections, there can be unity in our diversity for at the very least we share humanity. Look into their eyes, get to know them and love them as our neighbor. Love, even if they might the enemy.

The Olive Branch

The silence is loud

Distance of little help

Time may erode

The sting

But also the glue

Swearing I think

No place in heaven has it

Falsifying

Justifying

Evil speaks

Jesus is the glue

I shall reach out to you

Not my merit nor yours

But for the love and pleasure of God

For He paid the cost

Pain Pain Time Out

During one of our morning devotions, I was telling Mya about Jesus dying on the cross for us. She looked serious as the picture of Jesus was kinda sad, but it was clear from the look in her eyes that she did not understand what dying meant.

Why would she? How could she? And a part of me wishes she never has to understand or grasp what death is.

“Mya, Jesus died on the cross for us. You see He is pain-pain.”

“Pain-pain!” She frowned and looked concerned, she is getting it, a little.

“Yes, He endured pain-pain for us so that we do not have to be pain-pain. He died for sinners like us and took the punishment for us.”

Punishment – another big word that drew a partial blank.  

“Yes, He was punished for us and had a time-out from His Father. Not because He was naughty, but because we were. It’s like you were naughty and was gonna get a time-out, but Jesus say He’ll do time-out for you so you do not have to do time-out!”

She nodded. She understood time-out.  

And a time-out He got. “Aloi, Aloi, why have you forsaken me?”

The pain and the time-out, so that I the sinner do not have to bear the Father’s wrath for me and be separated from Him. 

The cross and the death, so that I can be justified and washed clean by His blood. So that I do not have to die the death that should have been mine.

The resurrection, oh the resurrection! He defeated death and it has lost its sting – and we will never need experience the full deadness of death, ever. Hooray! 

***

This is one of my favorite reflections on the cross. Extracted from Max Lucado’s “He chose the nails”.

History only has one main event. Mankind’s timeline is dotted with important moments, the spark of the first flint, the rolling of the first wheel.. who dares to minimize these events, but who dares compare them with the cross? History only has one main event.

Scripture only has one main event. Others matter- but only one is essential. Moses will give you directions for the wilderness, but no solution for your sin. David’s defeat of Goliath may reduce your timidity, but only the cross prepares you for eternity. Scripture only has one main event.

And even in the life of Jesus, there is only ONE main event. For if there is no cross of Christ, then there is no truth to Christ.

And when it comes to your life, the same is true. To remove the cross, is to remove the hinge-pin from the door of hope, the door of your hope. For if there is no cross, there is no sacrifice for sin. And if there is no sacrifice for sin, how will you face a sinless God? Can you cleanse your own sin?

And if there is no cross of Christ, there is no resurrection of Christ. And if there is no resurrection of Christ, how will you live again? Will you push back your own grave?

Forgiveness of sins, deliverance from death, these are the claims of the cross. Let there be no mistake. The cross is not an event in history, it is THE Event of History.

Thank you God for the cross. So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross, till my trophies at last I lay down. I will cherish the old rugged cross and exchange it some day for a crown. Hallelujah!

***

Miss Independent

My precious miss Mya is providing me with much comic relief, awesome wonder, exasperated worries and tears these days. Here are a couple of her quotable quotes…

“I want to do it myself” – one of Mya’s pet phrase of late. Climbing into her car seat, getting up and down the bus for church, squeezing her toothpaste, opening the door of the fridge, climbing up onto the bathroom sink, reaching for something on the top shelf (she would reverse any attempts to make the object easier to reach, and then go for it again herself)… No, don’t help me! I'm Miss Independent!

“Don’t cut it!” – Mya likes her apple, pear, strawberry, orange, bread… whole. Don’t even try giving her half of a banana, she will go bonkus. She went through an entire bag of apples all by herself, biting into each one of them and refusing to let me slice even one.

“Three more … ok?” – M&Ms, raisins, Kai-Lan, Dora, Veggie Tales… She says it with her voice slightly raised and big eyes rolled upwards and sideways at “ok?”, like Miss-know-it-all. Like any toddler, it does not really stop at 3. She is getting pretty good at negotiating.  

“That’s Mya’s Daddy” – Mya blurted out when she saw Arthur hold Elliot one evening.

“How about let’s leave Didi in the crib?” – In midst of all the hugs and kisses that she showers on Elliot and her wanting to hold and burp him; a sure sign that the transition to being an older sister is not all roses.

“Don’t leave me Mummy…” – This one got to me instantaneously when she first said this, shortly after i came back with Elliot. I missed time with Mya throughout the 9 months of pregnancy, and then had to be gone to deliver, and then be gone again for the bilirubin saga… I wasn’t the only one who noticed. This is used more recently when she wants me in her room when she goes to bed.

“I am a beautiful princess..” – she sings, twirling round and round in the living room. Yes, you are my beautiful princess, precious. Don’t grow up too fast now, I love you!

The first month...

Happy One Month Elliot! I love you to bits.

I love the way you hang on me like a koala, the way you study the things around you, how expressive you are when you’re hungry or uncomfortable – all the tiny and big noises that you make, how you're on the verge of smiling, how you love nursing, how you perk up at your daddy's voice…

And as much as I love you now, I look forward to loving more of you and getting to know you better as you grow. I love you, buddy!

I started this post (below) in the first week of Elliot’s birth but never got around to finishing it in time. Although the content might seem dated now, it seems fitting to remember at this milestone...

Bilirubin Saga

Even when we were in the midst of it, I knew this was just going to be a small blip in the big scheme of things. However, it did not stop me from wrenching when I saw how much blood they had to draw from Elliot’s little feet for the bilirubin tests; or bursting into tears when I got a call from the doctor to go back into the hospital with the newborn for phototherapy, just a day after being discharged.

Once we got in, it was a continuous cycle of being in the “UV incubator” for 2-3 hours, nursing/feeding for 15-3o min (I tried to sneak in as much time to hold Elliot as I can, but the nurses kept me on task), changing diapers, checking vitals, and drawing blood every 6 hours; for the next 40+ hours.

There was a short reprieve when Arthur came with Mya and my mother for a visit. We were able to sneak in watching “Big Hero Six” and “Inside Out”. It would have been harder to bear if not for the visit and supportive nurses. Thank you God for working everything out!

This saga gave me a newfound respect for parents who have to go through harder things with their children. I don’t know how they do it. I am sure God will give us what we need to rise to the occasion, but I don’t know how I am going to stomach stitches, broken bones, surgeries, … And my heart broke when I saw pictures of a refugee feeding her son with a milk bottle on the ground. This sure sets waking up every 2-3 hours in perspective!

Squirt

Nick Parker (The Parent Trap) called his daughter Haley “Squirt”. It was cute and I contemplated that as a nickname for Elliot for a while, especially since the movie is one of Arthur and my all-time faves and we watched it together when we were in the hospital for Elliot’s birth.

That is, until the “projectile motion” caught me by surprise. Needless to say, it was nixed as a possible nickname contender as it proved to be too loaded and close for comfort.  

The sweetest little gift

Being short

I don’t mean physically. I’m losing patience and not being very kind with the rudder in my mouth these days. First it was my dad, and now with him gone; I find myself being short with my mother who has been nothing but an angel serving us tirelessly in the last few months. Argh! I wish there was a way to think before speaking! Sorry Mummy and thank you for being so patient with me.

And predictably enough, I haven’t given Arthur the easiest of times. And I’m not sure what’s legit and what is me being a crazy and difficult wife any more. Maybe I’ll wish I would take the below back some time later, but now I just need a space to rant – with my sister is halfway across the world and I have “no friends I can call” (at this unearthly hour, and I’ve talked to Jesus already)!

“Thank you for being at Leverage. It was special for me that Elliot was there, and even more special that you were there.” 

– why would you thank me for doing something that I want to do, or do you not believe that I want to be there “on my own”/ as much as you want me to? And you know the last part is not true, at least I don’t believe it to be. You wanted to show off Elliot and it’s his first physical outing to church, what could be more special than that?

“I cannot tell when you like people or just tolerate them” 

– am I so difficult that I don’t like a lot of people and just tolerate them? Am I that difficult to read, really? And in the context of having couple friends, what does it matter if I like them “on my own” or “because of you?” Eventually I have to like them enough for there to be a friendship, right? So what if I become friends with them through you? Plus, I made and have friends apart from you, no? I don’t wonder that with you (ie. Liking my friends’ husbands/ boyfriends), you have a higher bar for me? Or you don't trust me enough?

I miss many friendships from Singapore (they’re my childhood friends! And I still have them virtually…), but I am not living a “lesser social life” here in the States. I need no sympathy.

And then, at least I went to you when I had beef with you, but you would rather tell the church connection card that you need prayers for our marriage problems? Seriously?! 

Elliot's Birth Day - 1/27/2016

Beware: some parts might be TMI.

Despite speculation that he will arrive early, Elliot "held in there" until our scheduled induction. I was 6cm dilated that morning when we checked in around 7:30am, and Nurse Diana exclaimed, “how is it that you have not given birth already?!”

“Well, I’m glad that I will today!” I replied.

**

On our drive to the hospital, I reflected that I did not have very much “anticipatory excitement”. I was super looking forward to meeting Elliot, and was filled with joy that I would see him face to face soon. But other than the physiological symptom of sleepless nights the week prior, I was not “counting down” like Arthur nor had butterflies in my stomach.

Maybe it was the fact that it could have happened any day and I did not want to get my hopes up and down on a daily basis, my coping mechanism was to make preparations so I would be ready; and then live each day as “normally” as I possibly could and not think too much about the event happening. “When it happens, it happens” was my mantra.

I wonder if this would not be a good parallel whilst waiting for Jesus – whether after this life or for Him to come again in this one. Get ready and be prepared (this can mean so many things as shown by the parables, but I posit that at the very least is to know and have a relationship with Him), live each day on earth that He has given as faithfully as possible in the “now but not-yet” reality, and then look forward to the joy of seeing Him face to face (so that any loss associated with death or regrets associated with missed opportunities is counted as gain).

**

Things proceeded very smoothly in the hospital. They started me on the oxytocin drip at 8am, Dr. Lee came to break my water bag shortly after and then the contractions began. They got stronger progressively and by 9am, I was ready for the epidural.

I made it a point to share with them my experience with Mya’s birth – the anesthesiologist was careful not to give me too strong a dose because of my height, and I was literally watching the clock so I can push for more epi every 15 minutes. So this time around, they gave me a stronger dose which worked like a charm. Other than pins and needles in my legs, I hardly felt the contractions. I was even able to watch “You’ve got mail” with Arthur and take a short snooze.

Slightly past 12pm, I felt more pressure and called for the nurse who did not come.

And at around 1pm, Nurse Diana came in to check on me. “Oh! The head is right there! Ok time to push soon!”  She paged for Dr. Lee and made the necessary preparations.

Dr. Lee came in at around 1:25pm. I pushed once and then was told to wait for the next contraction. When the next one came, I pushed hard twice and Elliot was born at 1:33pm! Because he came out too fast, Elliot was a tat bruised in his face.

9lbs 1 oz, 22 inches. He was a big baby, but he seemed so little to me. Welcome to the world my son, my little Elliot. I love you, all of you, every bit of you, so very much already.

Susan shared this song with us and it could not come at a better time. Thanks honey for “bugging the forgetful me” to listen to this!

"I Get To Be The One"

Well hello,
Little baby.
Your eyes have never seen the sun
You should know
Little baby
That I am the lucky one

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Don't feel alone now,
Little baby.
Do you hear me singing you a song
I can't wait to show you
Little baby
How to crawl
How to walk
And how to run

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

How does someone so small
Hold my heart so tightly
I don't even know you
I love you completely

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Last Pregnancy Post? :)

“How are you feeling?” I’ve often been asked throughout the pregnancy. I never know how much people really want to know, and what they expect to hear.

Did they want to hear about my morning sickness, puking and heartburn in the first trimester?

Were they “satisfied” with my “it’s going as well as it could be” response?

Was it too much information to tell them about my hemorrhoids, body aches and sleepless nights this past week?

And judging from their laughter, I guess these few analogies hit home-run...

“I’m stomping around like an elephant and waddling around like a duck”

“I’m competing with the snail here…”

I’m quite content if the conversation about my pregnancy just ends there. But sometimes, the envelope is pushed and I can tell from my shorter fuse that I’m gradually losing my humor about the situation. So bear with me as I air some of the mental conversations that I do not always articulate –

1. The second baby does not always come faster. I had to induce Mya at 37 weeks, so by all standards, this little one is “later” already. And I do not want to have any false hopes for the labor, though I pray that it’ll be smooth and fast. I had been 4cm dilated for 2 weeks, and now I am 5 cm dilated. The baby could come anytime, or not till next week.
2. Some may wonder about our decision to induce. But I am really really really glad that we decided to induce next Wednesday (ie. 27^th, 3 days before the due date on the 30^th). Coz you know, the due date does not mean anything, and the baby could well come past the due date. I think I would be a lot more impatient and go crazy if I did not have a “concrete end date” in sight at this point.
3. I am huge, the largest I’ve been and will be hopefully – I did not go this far in my pregnancy with Mya. So yes, I don’t just look like I am ready to pop; I am ready to pop. I have been for the past month. But the timing is not up to me is it? All I can do is to trust God’s timing.  
4. As for “feeling something/contractions”, does that matter? I’m still not in labor.

Sigh I have been such a whiney mommy this time around, and it will totally be my fault if I have a whiney baby. In any case, we’re in the home stretch now. I’m mentally prepared for Wednesday afternoon’s induction, and am feeling a lot less impatient. Maybe because most of my mental energy is now diverted to dealing with the incisions made to remove the blood clots from my hemorrhoids.

What an irony that I am counting so little of my blessings for a relatively smooth pregnancy this time around. Lord forgive me! Though, any day/moment earlier will be a bonus/ grace – Let Your will be done! 

Battling sin

Always be killing sin or it will be killing you ~ John Owens

Last Thursday night’s Leverage session was about battling temptation. The application was for us to identify a sin, stalk it and kill it. Starting with identifying the top 3 sins during this season of my life.

The first one came to mind almost immediately. Laziness. I’ve opted to sleep instead of reading God’s Word on the train, almost every day last week. Not good.

Then I was stuck identifying the next one. I’m sure there are plenty of ways I’m falling short of His glory (not loving God and my neighbor enough, not sharing the Gospel more, etc…), but I had trouble coming up with something “more active” that I can or want to actually work on to address my recent spiritual dullness.

So I joked with the group that, well sloth is certainly a big one coz now I’m even too lazy to come up with the second sin. I thought it was a pretty good joke but in reality, it’s not very funny.

The paradox of holiness is such that the more holy you are, the bigger the sinner you are. Screwtape’s strategy to leave me cruising is obviously working pretty well.

But God showed me the next day that He was not done with me, and is still at work in me. Praise the Lord! The “thorn in my flesh” arrived on Friday in the person of my father, and there has been so many ways that he’s holding up the mirror to my face and showing me how impatient, ungracious, judgmental self-centered and dishonoring to him I am.

I shall not go into specifics that I may end up “justifying my sin”.  But I pray and hope that this is just a transition period, and I will learn how to love my father and enjoy him in the short time that he is here. To confess, stalk and kill these sins; and put words and theories into action.

The silver lining to it all is that the Holy Spirit convicted me, and allowed me to see the sin in my ungodly response to him. All that in light of my self-righteousness on Thursday! It took less than 24 hours to take me down from my higher ground. I am truly thankful for glimpses that He will complete the work that He began in me, so that I might be with Him in eternity. God have mercy on me!