Happy Birthday to me!

Yup, I missed September! Argh!

But how can I miss visiting my old friend on my 33^rd birthday? With just under 50 minutes left in the day, here’s a quick drop-by.

It was a nice quiet day, a much needed oasis after a fun yet busy weekend with the family, and before another fun yet busy weekend with friends this weekend.

Delicious food (sausage, eggs & waffles for breakfast; roasted meats & rice for lunch; oreos dunked in milk for tea; sushi for dinner, and dou-hua for supper – yumz! And best part of it, Arthur made/bought them all), a massage and a family visit to the park. A pretty idyllic day, every Monday should be part of the weekend.

Not sure what being 33 is supposed to be like, and I might be able to offer more insights after I get out of my “party-planning” mode. But for now, I’m reserving these couple of lines for my beloved family –  

1. Thank You God, for making me, saving me, remaking me and “waiting for me”! You give me the ultimate meaning to life, thank You for all the gifts You’ve given – everyone of them, big and small. Thank You for the beautiful falling leaves, I know You love me!
2. Thank you Arthur. I’m just so blessed and honored to be your wife. I really enjoy growing old with you, and am already looking forward to tomorrow!
3. Thank you Mya for coming into Mummy’s life. I don’t know how old you are when you’re reading this, or if you ever will. But I want you to know that I love being your mummy – be it when you’re laughing, crying, smiling or just being my little drama queen. :p
4. Thank you MooMoo & Xun. MooMoo for being my BFF always and Xun for taking care of her. Distance sucks, but I’m so thankful you still feel near!
5. Thank you Mummy for giving birth to me years ago and raising me, Daddy too. Through good days and bad, I’ll always be your daughter! That’ll never change.
6. Thank you Dad, Mum and everyone in the Kok-clan! You all truly are God’s answers to my prayer when I prayed for Arthur – in more ways than you’ll know!
7. Thank you, close friend (if you’re reading this, you know you are!). You’re family to me in my heart, and I’m thankful you’re my friend.

Now I need to go to bed and wake up to being 34! Wait, or am I already? This part of counting always stumbles me…

At the end of the week

This has been a crazy week with valley-lows and mountain-highs.

The craziest of which is that someone stepped in front of my train on Tuesday. Yup, the train I was riding on killed someone, and choosing to be hit by a train wasn’t something that just happened on TV.

I did not ask “why?” when Robin Williams committed suicide, maybe because the media tried to explain it with his depression and drug abuse history. But when death hits so close to home, the desire to “justify” the death begged the why question. “Why did he do that? What could be so bad that he would choose to end his life? Like that? Why?” There was not a reason I could find adequate.

But the craziest thing about this crazy incident, was that even with a man smashed under the train, people just went on their way, myself included. People were concerned about getting home, and the metra was concerned about the delay. I lingered until Arthur and Mya picked me up, and felt apologetic about the inconvenience I caused. Surely all these responses are inappropriate. But what was one supposed to do? How was one supposed to respond? Not as if there is anything one could do really, between the police and firemen. but someone just died, ok? Surely, life ought to stop a little bit no?

It was awkward. I guess death is awkward. Maybe that’s why people looked at the crosses and went away on Calvary that day.   

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/29504014-418/up-nw-metra-trains-delayed-after-person-struck-near-des-plaines.html

A certain piece-of-work in the office was the bane of my existence this week.

Firstly, she called for a meeting and did not attend. People prepared slides to answer the questions she had and stayed back late to explain to her, and she should have the decency to at least show up right?
And then, she asked for a long meeting with no clear direction and insinuated that I was ill-prepared.
“What is the agenda?” she asked.
“I have no specific agenda. You asked to meet to lay everything on the board a few weeks ago”.
“Meetings without agenda are not effective. If you are not prepared, let’s wait until you are ready”.
Hello? You were the one who wanted to meet, not me. Why and what should I prepare?

And then the very next day, she did not like how I labeled a presentation – with the very term that her team had been using the whole year. There is no doing right by her and her minions.

I need to keep telling myself to breathe and that they are not worth it. Seriously. In light of eternity, you and your quality will be burnt into chaff lady.

The frustrating situation at work brought Arthur and me to dream about the day when i can stop working again. Maybe it's not a dream, maybe it's called faith, and He showed me a bushful of sparrows right at that moment. We are worth more than many sparrows, aren't we Father? Fear not, worry not, my heart. Leap, when that day comes!

 

Horray! The LIFE Group engine is up and running! The gathering of the saints in fellowship is such an encouragement. I can’t wait till the group meets again in 2 weeks! Thank you God for the space to stop and encourage one another. It is that cup of cool water in midst of a week that's been fraught with craze.

 

And the daily high of spending just a few short hours with Mya and Arthur. That makes everything all right and worthwhile. Their faces are just what i need to remember what is truly important in the end.

Lessons Mya taught #5 & 6

There are 2 firsts that Mya experienced today – first haircut at the salon, and first time tumbling down the stairs.

I wondered if she’ll be “her mother’s daughter” and enjoy going to the salon. As a first timer, and with a little help from a Sesame Street video, there was some fussing and protests – but not a whole lot and not the whole time. A good possibility that she might grow into it, don’t you think? Hopefully she’ll like her next outing at the home salon better.

The second first leads me to the next lesson.

Lesson #5 – I’m there to catch you when you fall

“Oh Mummy, look! I’m going up the stairs again. You’re gonna stop talking to Grandma and come after me right?”

“Oh! You’re not coming? Ok I’m going up…”
“Are you coming? Oh oh …." (pom, pom, pom...)
“You caught me! Hmm.. ok. I guess you were waiting for me down here. Let’s try again. Up I go…”

My heart still tightens when I think about Mya’s tumble. But the fearless one proved that was no more than a little restart to her conquest of the stairs. I’m sure the carpet and me catching her before she hit the ground helped.  Still, she reminded me that not every fall has to hurt so bad or end up in wails; especially when someone’s there to catch you. Falling ain’t that bad, when there’s someone to break the fall.

I will not always be able to catch Mya in time, and she may not always find cushion for her tumbles. But I know that there is Someone who will always catch her when she falls. Physically, emotionally, mentally, morally, and in every other conceivable way – she may fall, but she is safe. The big wide safety net that the Father casts over and under His children will always be there for His children. Thank you Lord!

Lesson #6 – Tough love

We’re trying to sleep train Mya – so that she can sleep on her own through the night. The obstinate little one has tried puking, wailing for almost an hour and simply playing in her crib to wear us down. Some efforts work better than the others – puking for instance, gets instantaneous reaction.

“But child! We are committed to helping you sleep better ok? It’s for your own good! You don’t understand now, that’s ok. Just know that we love you, and we hear you; even when you don’t see us in your room. It’s hard, we know; but it’s hard for us too. Let’s keep trying ok?”

It takes so much to train and discipline a child! Tough love is tough not only on the recipient, but also the giver. Only God in His holy love can love as the Perfect Parent – knowing when tough love is needed, what the best vehicle is, to not be swayed back and forth out of “soft-heartedness”, to respond appropriately in every situation, to not “feel bad/guilty” for doing too much or too little or too late, to not be insecure about parenting.
What if God did not relate to us as a Father? What hope do parents have to parent well, without Him as a role model and be the Perfect Parent to our kids when we fail?

And thank you Lord for loving us enough to discipline your children. Don’t take your rod and your staff and your storm away, ever.

Jesus, don't You keep me from that storm
I wanna walk that sacred ground;
For You are Master of it all
And I am but a lost and found.

~ Lost and Found, Robin Mark (one of my favorite songs, ever)

Solidarity

And there! I missed July’s entry. Guilty. I did not even realize it until Arthur reminded me on the 1^st. My ardent fan J The travels, jet-lag, new home, ear infection, fever, rashes, cold and sniffles. They all made up an overwhelming July.
Just as the new house is starting to feel more and more like home, life seems to be settling down a little too. Hopefully we’re gonna be able to establish a more sustainable family and ministry rhythm as we enter the fall.

Even as I say this, the irony is not lost on me. That thousands in Gaza are losing their homes. Children led to the slaughter, Christians persecuted alongside others who do not share the Islamic extremists’ faith. Less than halfway around the globe, the distance between “heaven and hell”.

Every day a living hell

Having to scramble and hide.
Perhaps I might have given up
Living is too tiring with fright.

When will tomorrow be different

What is life on the other side like.
Are they thinking of us too
Do they even care?

There is no time now to think

This pause does not mean a rest.
The bombs will go off again
And bodies count climb.

Every day is life on the edge

Fighting to give hope a chance
Perhaps my faith might shine brighter
For light comes through the darkest night.

How long O Lord shall things be?

Pray, tell, and deliver me!

The cross i carry...

i am writing to bid goodbye to the cross that i carried. Hopefully, this is not blaspheme.

the cross around my neck
the cross that i had since my teens
the cross that travelled the oceans with me
the cross that resided amongst the corporate trees.

the cross shone when i could not speak of Christ
the cross told of an alternative reality
the cross beckoned me to die
the cross reminded me to truly live.

the cross, a gift from my mother
the cross, i gladly carried
the cross, i'd have passed on to mya
the cross, i now say a painful goodbye.

i know not where you are
i am sorry i lost you
will heaven be a place where the lost is found?
i hope we meet again. i miss you.

do i cherish the rugged Cross as much as my "glitzy" one?
will the invisible Cross still be my reality?
shall i be this aware and sad when my Cross is slipping away?
or may i be thankful that the Cross shall forever be mine?

Dedicated Move

Sorry it’s been a while since I wrote. Things have been a little crazy recently with work – I’m feeling like a true Singaporean again. And not to mention a major move!

Oh yes, the move. I’ll spare you the details here. But all I can say is that God made a way! He provided a way apart from the law, so that we might fulfill the law – albeit in the letter and not the spirit. A stark reminder again that there is no grace in the law or any governments, except the One who is full of love, grace and truth.

And so it is our prayer that our new abode will be used by Him, to be a refuge and a resting place, for all who will pass through or come to stay. The big move will be on the 31^st May. Come along to help or pray with us!

Our little daughter was dedicated to the Lord on the 7^th month birthday, and Mother’s Day 2014! She was a tat squirmy in front of the congregation, likely because she was hungry, but that helped spare me the tears.

Raising a child is hard enough, but raising a child in the Lord? God help us! It might be the heaviest of responsibilities, being entrusted with our child’s heart, but it can also be one of the most fruitful and fun things in the world. Did I tell you I love being Mya’s mummy? I love her and love playing that role in her life. What a gift I've been given!
I am thankful that we’re not doing this alone, but with our immediate & extended family, church family and friends who love us so. Thanks for being on the journey with us!
And Lord, though we dedicate her to you, only You can make her Yours. Please do Lord, work in her to choose to love and obey You, and be with and in her all the days of her life.

6 months

Mya’s half way through the first year of her life. Where did all the time go? My little sweetheart is growing up so quickly in front of our very eyes.

Then her head flopped around when we carried her, now she can hold her head up so straight and turns it around whenever she wants to so effortlessly.

Then she cried when we gave her tummy time and each session is one minute too long, now she rolls over both ways and can easily stay on her tummy for ten minutes.
Then her legs could barely touch the bottom of the mobile that she was in, now she can use the base as leverage and bounce gently off of it.
Then she layed so nicely still when I leave her on the floor or change her diaper, now she scoots and rolls around so stealthily to the other corner, and squirms and turns when she is on the changing table.
Then she fitted so nicely in Arthur’s hand, now his both hands are full when she’s in his arms.

 

We successfully held out to the 6 months mark, to start Mya on her “solids”. Not because she or her mummy wasn’t ready, but because her daddy wasn’t. His little girl is growing up too fast and he did not want to cross another milestone too quickly. I was persuaded, and my urge to feed her when I see her eyes tracking every bite we take, was put to rest. My heart melted too, and this is one story I will tell very fondly over and over again.

I woke up excitedly on April 11^th (happy birthday moomoo!) – this is the day when Mya will “start eating”! It will be so fun to start sharing all the fun flavors in the worldwith her , and this is the beginning of the journey. What a momentous moment. With the camera on standby, I prepared her rice cereal and was thrilled to feed her with a spoon. But lo and behold, her tiny hand grabbed the spoon and pushed it away. I tried again, and her strong hand ensured that the milk and cereal landed everywhere else but her mouth.

You’re supposed to be excited to eat! I don’t know why I did not expect her to protest. Haven’t I seen kids at meals? The third attempt met with the same response, and Arthur suggested trying to put the watery mixture in a bottle. That did not work either. Sigh!

So the day that I had expectantly waited for passed by uneventfully, for Mya did not really start eating. Maybe the rice cereal is not delicious. Maybe oatmeal and congee might work better. Let the experimentation begin! Nonetheless, this is a timely reminder that Mya will not always act in the way I want her to, she is not my little puppet.

At 6 months, as I reflect on how Mya has miraculously grown, the necessary conclusion that I arrived at is: we can but plant and water the seeds in Mya’s life, God is the One making her grow. I am amazed and humbled to witness the sacred mystery of life growing - one that i went through, but did not get to see, and now I see. And I am so very glad that her life is not in any human hands, but in the Potter’s. And whilst I love her to death, His death is the only one that can save her for eternity. Thank you Lord!

Another milestone...

I remember telling myself that I cannot let every entry be about Mya! Being a mother is a huge part of my identity, but not the only one. Yet, I find myself falling into that pattern. And surprisingly, I'm ok with that!
She broke into our world, and is a constant source of inspiration by her sheer presence. Authors and poets have written about far lesser things, so I shan't stinge on this well of love, beauty and joy. :) Even if it's the littlest of things, it's still worth remembering.

Today marks another milestone, we sent Mya to our baby-sitter's and left her there for more than 6 hours. Not that we've not left Mya with family or others before, but in those cases, she's usually home or at Grandma/Grandpa's; and Mummy and Daddy is not too far to rush to her side.
Today, she's out of her comfortable surrounding, and both Daddy and Mummy are at work. So she's there, learning to live and survive, without us close by. I'm so proud of her, but still, my heart was torn a little. Another step she's taken further from us. 

Many more milestones will come for sure - rolling over, sitting up, eating, tasting, etc. Sometimes, I find myself urging her to get there faster - especially when Mah-mah checks in, or when I hear other 4 month olds already getting there.
But my good and faithful Arthur reminded me... Every new milestone is a chapter of her life closing, and there's no turning back. We've not savored the past 5 months worth of golden moments as they deserve, why will we want her to grow faster? Ouch.

“Every milestone is a bitter sweet melting pot of pride that they are growing and getting smarter, and sadness that they can’t stay a small, chubby and innocent baby forever.”
I read this on another mummy's blog the other day. She captured this nagging feeling that I have so eloquently. Growing pains, is not experienced only by the child - the parent hurts as much too.

How can I...

How can I hold her tighter
How can I kiss her more
How can I cuddle her closer
How can I love her more

How can I squeeze her tighter

How can I tickle her more
How can I hug her closer
How can I love her more

Maybe when she’s older

Maybe when there’s more of her
Maybe after we’ve shared a thousand giggles
Maybe after we've hurt each other a million times
Maybe I’ll know then what I cannot imagine now
I can love her so much more

Happy 5 months, Mya! Our lives have been brighter because of you. We love you so very very much!

 

 Wahahahaha.. :)

 

Update

“Every calling is great when greatly pursued” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

This is a timely reminder as we stand at the cross-roads this year. Whether or not to take a new role for my work, what Arthur will do, what does our next 5-10 years look like… And you weave into that – where we will stay, should we rent or buy, how we will provide Mya with the best care… There were so many permutations, combinations and options, and we talked each of them to death in the last few weeks. Whilst not everything is clear at this time, I thought I’d provide an update.

Arthur was offered a part-time position at the Orchard Network. It cannot be clearer how God has given him favor with the pastors and leaders there. We/he had not tried to be particularly active in church, nor trying to hard to “get onto people’s radar”; and yet God opened the door for Arthur. And amongst those who interviewed him,

Hutz (the one who hired  him) said, “Arthur, you do not have to prove yourself to me. I hired you because of who you are”. What grace!
Bill Bradish said to me, “your husband, Arthur, is a very special person. He is a very special man.” He was so profuse in his praises of Arthur, that when he finally realized he was talking to me (not him), he apologetically added “you are a special lady too”. Yeah right ;)
We pray that Arthur will greatly pursue the present call on his life, and work and serve in grateful response to the trust that was given.

As for me, we did decide for me to take the new role at work. It’ll likely be more responsibilities (ie. more work and more stress), and possibly mean a little less flexibility (though I still plan to fight tooth and nail, to work from home 2 days a week – I realize that is very important for my state of mind). But I figured that since Min will practically be out for the rest of the year, and much of what’s on his plate will likely fall onto me; I might as well do the same thing for more money. The extra cash will also help us pay off school debts faster, so we can be free to join a mission agency, when that day comes.

It was a hard decision, especially in light of Mya. I’m so thankful for all the advice that was given. I cannot say that I’m proud of the decision, but at least I think I’ve made my peace with it. I can only pray that we will have the courage to step away from a cushy corporate job, the day God calls us to do so.
Meanwhile, I pray that I can greatly pursue to call to be a working MOTHER, to the glory of God.

And for little Mya... Our prayer every day is for her to know the One who greatly pursued her, and respond to His calling on her greatly.

Mama!

I'm really tired, and am just about ready for bed. But I have to make note in history..
My little Mya may have just called me Mama for the first time! It may just be that she's learning to make the "ma" sound. But she wanted me. In the midst of the tears, she cried "mama.. mama..", and quietened only in my arms. I think she knows what she's calling out.
Awwwww... I LOVE being her Mama! Mama Mia (Mya)! :)

Parenting Pouts

There are gender differences, culture differences, family differences and personality differences. The last two are enough to cause quarrels between the most like-minded couple in their first few years of parenting; but you add the first two – it’s no wonder why there hasn’t been a lack of blow-ups between Arthur and me. Second weekend in a row where we wasted precious non-working time squabbling.  

I don’t know what to say. Maybe it’s the hormones, I just get set off at the most unexpected moments. Maybe it’s my pettiness and pride. Maybe it’s the lack of security – Arthur thinks I’m too insecure about my parenting as I get too emotional about it. Maybe, it’s because it’s a new journey for us. Maybe it’s the transitions and adjustments. Maybe it’s 4 months, and my OBGYN warned me about post-natal depression. Maybe, it’s a combination of a thousand things, who knows!

I expected the fights, but I forgot how tiring they can be. It’s one thing to lack vision, but another to lose hope, and another to just wanna be numb and not think. I’m tired of talking, and I hope that my forgetfulness will serve me well to not remember anything by next weekend.

But one thing I want to take away, is to be a stronger mother for Mya. Time to take out my mama tiger claws to protect my little cub with more finesse, fewer tears and without apologies!

Lessons Mya taught #3 & 4

Lesson #3 – “Honor your parents….”

People say that when we become parents, we will appreciate our parents more. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, when I failed to appreciate that sentiment since Mya was born. But today, I finally felt it. Keenly and acutely.

Daddy and Mummy went back to Singapore today. As the paradox of relationships would have it, I missed and treasured them more these last 2 days than any day in the last 3 months when they were here. The help that they (especially Mummy) extended, the support they gave, how she unconditionally served us, how tenderly and lovingly she took care of me and Mya… Reliving the times we had together is bittersweet. Saying goodbye was harder than I thought, and I miss them so very much already.

And as I project the tender loving care I have towards Mya, on them; I felt my parents anew. I never got to see or know them when I was a baby. But seeing them with Mya now, I know a little better what they were like with me then. It pains my heart to think that Mya would not know or remember these times her grandparents had with her. But at least I do. I guess that's one of the beauty of grand-parenting. It is food for the parent's soul too.

I’m so thankful to at least be reminded now of the love and tenderness that my parents have towards me. It’s not easy to remember that in the midst of Asian subtlety and conservativeness – Mummy still told me not to cry, even when she knew those tears were for her. I can only pray that God will help me hold onto these feelings, the next time I squabble with my parents. :p

Lesson #4 – Leaving…

 

I asked Arthur yesterday when we’ll be moving Mya to her room, so that I can prepare myself emotionally. He probably thought I was joking, but I wasn’t.

After cleaning out the guest bedroom this afternoon, and rearranging the furniture; Arthur suggested we move her today since things are ready. I bawled.

“But I’m not ready for her to leave yet!”

“But she’s just in the room next door.”
“I know, but I’m just not ready to say goodbye to her sleeping in our room.”

The tears worked, and little Mya will get to sleep in our room till next Friday.

Someone once surmised that what it means to be a parent is to teach your child to live without you. Another told me that parenthood is a journey to prepare them to leave and be independent. It’s so hard, too hard. I’m not ready for Mya to grow up yet.

How did the Father send His Son to earth? Jesus’ cries on the cross wasn’t the first time the Father felt apart from His Son. Surely not. Surely His heart ached a little on Christmas. But yet, He sent His angels to sing and rejoice. How great the Father’s love for us!

In my daughter's eyes...

My Daughter's Eyes - Martina McBride
In my daughter's eyes,
I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,...
But the truth is plain to see,
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart has had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
I can see the future,
A reflection of who I am and what will be,
And though she'll grow and someday leave,
Maybe raise a family,
When i'm gone I hope you see,
How happy she made me,
For i'll be there,
In my daughter's eyes

 

 

The Promised Messiah

I shared a Christmas devotion at Sedgebrook, from Luke 2 in the perspective of a mother, the other night. Since it was a "3 point sermon" (as Londa affectionately coined), I will be creating 3 posts out of that. So here's the first one. Have a blessed Christmas my very dear friends.

The Promised Savior from the line of David

 

The first thing that jumped out to me is that Jesus is the Promised Savior from the line of David.

In the beginning of the passage, we see Joseph, who is from the line of David, going to the town of Bethlehem because of a census. The author Luke added these two simple facts for very significant reasons.

In the Old Testament, God promised His servant David, that He will establish His eternal Kingdom through his descendant (2 Samuel 7). And through Micah the prophet (Micah 5:2), God promised that a ruler for Him will come from Bethlehem.

So by mentioning the simple facts that Joseph (who is Jesus’ earthly father) is from the line of David; and that Jesus is born in Bethlehem; Luke is making a point.

He is telling his reader that Jesus is David’s descendant and He is THE Promised Messiah. The Promised King of God’s eternal kingdom. The Promised Savior – who will save all from sin and death. Jesus, the Promised Savior is born!  What good news!

I must confess that I often take the good news of God saving the world for granted. I forget to meditate in my mind and feel in my heart – the good-ness of God in saving me! But I was struck afresh by the good-ness of this good news recently.

I was holding Mya in my arms the other night. And as I look down upon her face, I was overwhelmed by the beauty and purity embodied in this little baby. I know she is a sinner. A little one. But a sinner nonetheless. Even so, she was this picture of perfect innocence, peace, beauty and purity. 

Suddenly in an instance, I saw her life flash before my eyes. She will grow up, and experience pain and suffering in this broken world. A result of sin in this world, the sin of others, and her very own sin. And she will experience death – the death of others, the death of her parents (us) and loved ones, and her own death.

It broke my heart. How can such purity and beauty be stained by pain and suffering? And how can such peace and innocence be ravished by death? My heart ached so badly. I don’t want her to experience any of that. I wish I could protect her from all the pain. I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want her to experience death. I felt very strongly and clearly – “I hate pain. I hate suffering. I hate death”. Yet, alongside these feelings, was an unmistakable helplessness. There was NOTHING I can do about these inevitable experiences that Mya will have.

When Arthur came by and learnt what was causing me to cry, he comforted me saying, “There is someone like you, you know. Someone who hated pain, suffering and death. And He hated them even more than you. But the difference is, He could do something about it, and He did. This is why God had to send His son. This is why Jesus had to come. This is why we have Christmas. So that we’ll have a chance at eternity with Mya.”

Indeed. Christmas is God not letting sin, pain, suffering and death have the final word. Christmas is Jesus doing something about that, so that we can have a chance to be with our loved ones, in heaven forever. What good news! Thank God for the Promised Messiah from the line of David!

 

 

 

The Night Before Christmas

This is one of my favorites this year...

Lessons Mya taught #1 & 2

Thence begins my education in the “school of Mya”. I’ll be chronicling the lessons that my little one will teach me (or rather God will teach me through her), and here are the first 2 lessons..

Mya sometimes wails loud and hard, as she’s on the changing table. And I mean loud and hard, like the sky was falling. She’s hungry, and there I am struggling to finish changing her diaper, and put her clothes back on. 

“But little one, you know that no matter how long or how loud you wail, Mummy can only nurse you when I’m ready right? I need to put on your diaper, and your clothes; wash my hands and settle down with the nursing pillow. So wait child, please. Please don't cry so hard...”

Lesson #1 – No matter how we loud and hard we wail at God, shake our fists or stomp our feet; He will only give us what He wants according to His own timing and will.

Although I love nursing Mya, and it’s great for building a bond; but I’m not sure if I like being known as the “milkmaid” or “cow” to her. I can rarely carry or burp her when she is awake, without her bouncing her head around, looking for the “milk machines”. 
To be honest, I’m getting a little jealous of the fact that Arthur and Mum can put her to sleep better than I can; and they get to carry her “without her wanting something from them”.

Lesson #2 – Going to God in prayer only when I want something, is like Mya being in my arms “only for milk”. If I’m a little jealous in only 5 weeks, how does God feel being treated like the “milk machine” our whole lives? Why can’t we just sit in His arms, rest in His presence, play with Him, and just simply BE with Him? 

Happy Halloween!

Ok, I’m a few days late. I had wanted to post something on October 31^st but time got away from me. How was that possible? :p

For the record, my little Mya’s due date was October 31^st. And that had generated a fair share of fun and predictable conversations in the past 9 months.

The nurse who broke the good news to me excitedly exclaimed, “you are going to have a Halloween baby!” And that was how I told people in the preceding weeks as well, “I’m going to have a Halloween baby!”

Responses fell into the following categories –

“That’s easy to remember!”

“How fun! You should consider painting your tummy orange during delivery.”

“Oh don’t say that! Let’s hope she comes one day before or after, then she’ll be an All Saints’ Day baby instead.”

With the last response forming the majority, I eventually answered the question “when are you due?” with the standard reply “I’m due on October 31^st”; allowing their response to guide the subsequent conversation.

“Oh Halloween!” – “Yeah!” smilingly, and silently proud that I was not “superstitious” and not want a Halloween baby. If I had given it more thought then, I would probably have answered “That will surely be a treat!”

“Maybe she’ll be an All Saints’ Day baby!” – “Yeah, babies rarely come on their due date. So she may miss Halloween and be an All Saints’ Day or a November baby.”

Of course, Mya came much earlier than October 31s.t. And I am mighty glad she did.

Not because she “avoided Halloween”;

Partly because with her at 7 pounds 7 ounces at 37 weeks, I will get even more comments of me being “big and ready any time” and her being a “big baby” if we waited till full term;

But most of all I cannot imagine what the last 3 weeks would be like without her. Although she’s only eating, pooping and sleeping these days (pretty much like a pet, as Michael Card described); I’ve loved every single minute of it. 

Mya's First Week

It’s been 9 days since little Mya entered our lives. It’s unbelievable how quickly the days have flown by.

Even with a baby who sleeps 80% of the time, there are still many stories that she co-writes with us. Stories of – nights when she has kept us up, times when we feel frustrated and helpless when we are not able to figure out why she is fussing, her strong kicks and air punches when we’re changing her diaper, lessons “learnt on the job” (like breastfeeding and when to pick her up); and not to mention the “perks and pains” of having my mother help me with (enforcing the) confinement, the uncomfortable healing process from the delivery, and the list goes on. 

But still, the broader theme is that Mya has been an incredibly sweet baby. There are more nights when we have to wake her up for feeding than nights when she kept us up, and when she cries there is usually a very good reason – that she’s cold, hungry or uncomfortable from a dirty diaper. She feeds easily, though she seems to have recently added a short routine prior to latching on. She makes all sorts of cute sounds and faces in her sleep, and only few of them really require attention. And even when she is wailing at the top of her lungs (praise God for the healthy pair!), she blesses us with a pout that is so distractingly adorable; it’s almost impossible to get upset with her.

Yet in the midst of the love, joy, excitement, occasional fatigue, and wide-eyed wonder; the overwhelming feeling that I have these days is a combination of heart wrench and nostalgia.

I look forward to her growing up, but this means that the precious days of her being an innocent little baby are numbered. She will not remember any of these first few days (well, technically years) of her life, but they are surely etched in Arthur and my memories forever. Her chubby cheeks, her facial expressions, her stretches, the way she waves her hands in the air and moves her fingers, and the many “little nothings” – have all meant more than so many somethings. We will cherish these days that will pass all too quickly.

Looking upon her angelic countenance, it breaks my heart that such purity and beauty will have to experience the broken-ness of this world and worst of all death, some day. I hate death! What have I “brought upon her”? To bring her into this world to suffer? Thankfully, Arthur reminded me that this is exactly why Jesus came. So that we can all be together in eternity together forever on that day.

Although it’s been only 1 week, I’m already counting down to the day when I have to go back to work. I thought it will not be that difficult, and things might change then; but at this point, I’m dreading having to leave this little one behind. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she will be in the safe hands of her daddy and Daddy.

I know that these “best possible forms of heart wrench and nostalgia” allow me to touch in a minuscule way the Father’s heart. It blows my mind how He will give such a sacred gift to a creature as depraved as I. I guess this helps me taste a little of God’s abounding love and compassion to His creation and children, but I cannot help but wonder if He looks upon us with the same tenderness as we “grow up into adults” and how does He do that from age to age for all eternity? Maybe that’s why.. let the little children come to Him!

I’m 32 today!

When I was 31, I did not think it possible for me to be more godly, grow that much wiser, have more love in my heart, or be too ruffled in good and bad ways by life experiences (for truly, there is nothing new under the sun). By my own standards, I thought I had “all I needed for the rest of my life”. Sure, I’d grow a little each year; but no more quantum leap experiences or growth in areas that matter.
Yet standing at the end of my 32^nd year and the beginning of my 33^rd, I would be a fool not to see how wrong I was wrong. Still, the Faithful Potter is molding me in ways unimaginable.

People jokingly say “be careful what you pray for! Testing will surely come when you ask for patience.” I was tired of feeling like an “ok” Christian. Sure, I am a sinner, but I struggle with the “honorable sins” that are common to man – I can never be perfect on this side of heaven, can I? So I asked Him to convict me of my sin, not expecting much of it.

When He showed me the impact of my sin and pride on those around me, how foolish I was, how prideful I was when correction came, and how far I had drifted from desiring holiness and pleasing Him; I knew He answered my prayer. It’s painful and uncomfortable; but strangely comforting at the same time. He was not yet done with me. He still wants me to grow in godliness and wisdom, I was still His.
O may I live in the fear of the Lord and love Him in the days ahead!

I will learn even more about love when I meet my little one 5 days later. But what this pregnancy has taught me most about love in the last 8 months; is what Arthur meant when he vowed to love me “in sickness and in health”.

He cared for me and served me willingly – rushing to my side when I was throwing up, massaging me almost every night and going to the doctor visits with me. When I was stricken by all the morning sickness, itching and bodily aches, he did everything he could to make me more comfortable and took care of the household chores. He was my shoulder to cry on when the misery became unbearable. He was my rock and cheerleader when I was worried or scared. He still is all those things, one of God’s best and greatest gift to me. It’s amazing to see how a heart-ful of love can still yet grow fuller.
O may I cherish, love, serve and help Arthur become his future glory-self (Meaning of Marriage)!

We’re standing at the edge of so many things in our lives right now. About to plunge into the world of parenting, and groping in the fog trying to discern what the next step after Arthur’s graduation might be. In the midst of feelings of anticipation, trepidation and excitement; are also deep longings to be close to my loved ones (if only I could pack them in my bag and take them wherever with me!), a sense of loss accompanying the gains (losing “life just as a couple” when we welcome our little girl) and clearly some cluelessness. How could one feel a mix of so many different things at the same time?

O God, ground our hearts and minds in You as You lead us into the next season as a family!

Thank YOU God for this day, for all that You’ve done for and given to me in Christ. I celebrate YOU as I celebrate this birthday. Happy Birthday to me!