Mya's First Week

It’s been 9 days since little Mya entered our lives. It’s unbelievable how quickly the days have flown by.

Even with a baby who sleeps 80% of the time, there are still many stories that she co-writes with us. Stories of – nights when she has kept us up, times when we feel frustrated and helpless when we are not able to figure out why she is fussing, her strong kicks and air punches when we’re changing her diaper, lessons “learnt on the job” (like breastfeeding and when to pick her up); and not to mention the “perks and pains” of having my mother help me with (enforcing the) confinement, the uncomfortable healing process from the delivery, and the list goes on. 

But still, the broader theme is that Mya has been an incredibly sweet baby. There are more nights when we have to wake her up for feeding than nights when she kept us up, and when she cries there is usually a very good reason – that she’s cold, hungry or uncomfortable from a dirty diaper. She feeds easily, though she seems to have recently added a short routine prior to latching on. She makes all sorts of cute sounds and faces in her sleep, and only few of them really require attention. And even when she is wailing at the top of her lungs (praise God for the healthy pair!), she blesses us with a pout that is so distractingly adorable; it’s almost impossible to get upset with her.

Yet in the midst of the love, joy, excitement, occasional fatigue, and wide-eyed wonder; the overwhelming feeling that I have these days is a combination of heart wrench and nostalgia.

I look forward to her growing up, but this means that the precious days of her being an innocent little baby are numbered. She will not remember any of these first few days (well, technically years) of her life, but they are surely etched in Arthur and my memories forever. Her chubby cheeks, her facial expressions, her stretches, the way she waves her hands in the air and moves her fingers, and the many “little nothings” – have all meant more than so many somethings. We will cherish these days that will pass all too quickly.

Looking upon her angelic countenance, it breaks my heart that such purity and beauty will have to experience the broken-ness of this world and worst of all death, some day. I hate death! What have I “brought upon her”? To bring her into this world to suffer? Thankfully, Arthur reminded me that this is exactly why Jesus came. So that we can all be together in eternity together forever on that day.

Although it’s been only 1 week, I’m already counting down to the day when I have to go back to work. I thought it will not be that difficult, and things might change then; but at this point, I’m dreading having to leave this little one behind. The only thing that brings me comfort is that she will be in the safe hands of her daddy and Daddy.

I know that these “best possible forms of heart wrench and nostalgia” allow me to touch in a minuscule way the Father’s heart. It blows my mind how He will give such a sacred gift to a creature as depraved as I. I guess this helps me taste a little of God’s abounding love and compassion to His creation and children, but I cannot help but wonder if He looks upon us with the same tenderness as we “grow up into adults” and how does He do that from age to age for all eternity? Maybe that’s why.. let the little children come to Him!

I’m 32 today!

When I was 31, I did not think it possible for me to be more godly, grow that much wiser, have more love in my heart, or be too ruffled in good and bad ways by life experiences (for truly, there is nothing new under the sun). By my own standards, I thought I had “all I needed for the rest of my life”. Sure, I’d grow a little each year; but no more quantum leap experiences or growth in areas that matter.
Yet standing at the end of my 32^nd year and the beginning of my 33^rd, I would be a fool not to see how wrong I was wrong. Still, the Faithful Potter is molding me in ways unimaginable.

People jokingly say “be careful what you pray for! Testing will surely come when you ask for patience.” I was tired of feeling like an “ok” Christian. Sure, I am a sinner, but I struggle with the “honorable sins” that are common to man – I can never be perfect on this side of heaven, can I? So I asked Him to convict me of my sin, not expecting much of it.

When He showed me the impact of my sin and pride on those around me, how foolish I was, how prideful I was when correction came, and how far I had drifted from desiring holiness and pleasing Him; I knew He answered my prayer. It’s painful and uncomfortable; but strangely comforting at the same time. He was not yet done with me. He still wants me to grow in godliness and wisdom, I was still His.
O may I live in the fear of the Lord and love Him in the days ahead!

I will learn even more about love when I meet my little one 5 days later. But what this pregnancy has taught me most about love in the last 8 months; is what Arthur meant when he vowed to love me “in sickness and in health”.

He cared for me and served me willingly – rushing to my side when I was throwing up, massaging me almost every night and going to the doctor visits with me. When I was stricken by all the morning sickness, itching and bodily aches, he did everything he could to make me more comfortable and took care of the household chores. He was my shoulder to cry on when the misery became unbearable. He was my rock and cheerleader when I was worried or scared. He still is all those things, one of God’s best and greatest gift to me. It’s amazing to see how a heart-ful of love can still yet grow fuller.
O may I cherish, love, serve and help Arthur become his future glory-self (Meaning of Marriage)!

We’re standing at the edge of so many things in our lives right now. About to plunge into the world of parenting, and groping in the fog trying to discern what the next step after Arthur’s graduation might be. In the midst of feelings of anticipation, trepidation and excitement; are also deep longings to be close to my loved ones (if only I could pack them in my bag and take them wherever with me!), a sense of loss accompanying the gains (losing “life just as a couple” when we welcome our little girl) and clearly some cluelessness. How could one feel a mix of so many different things at the same time?

O God, ground our hearts and minds in You as You lead us into the next season as a family!

Thank YOU God for this day, for all that You’ve done for and given to me in Christ. I celebrate YOU as I celebrate this birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

The 3rd Trimester

I’ve tried so hard not to say “I’ve had such a difficult pregnancy”. Because I know no pregnancy is a walk in the woods; and I’ve heard many times the good advice “don’t believe the horror stories, God made the woman’s body to be able to do this, you’ll be fine”; and I wish I was one of those women who could pass on the good cheer of loving being pregnant.

But truth be told, I cannot help but feel validated when people say “you’ve had a difficult pregnancy”. Not because I liked being the damsel in distress, or the attention lavished upon the sickly heroine in Korean dramas; but because I can finally rest from my fight to be positive about my pregnancy experience. I may not have the “worst story in the world”, or the “hardest pregnancy” (and trust me, I’m don’t want to have that honor); but I don’t have to normalize or trivialize what I went through.

For the record and those who have not heard, I’ll be delivering on 11^th October (Friday) 3 weeks ahead of the due date 31^st October. Yes, the baby will be induced – more on that later. Before all the fanfare of welcoming our little baby into the world, here’s how these last 2 months went down…

So I got infected by Poison Ivy one weekend while working in the yard with Dad and Arthur in Decatur.

Aside: I’m still not sure how to process this one, because I had specifically thought “I don’t want to play the pregnancy card and not go out to help!” Perhaps the lesson here is to learn to more about the “dangers of the great outdoors” and to be more careful and less foolhardy during pregnancy; but I’m not sure if my mantra is a bad one to have. One thing for sure, I’ve learnt a great deal about “leaves of three, let them be”, what to do after working outdoors, etc. Gotta make this painful lesson count!

Due to the pregnancy, my immune system was suppressed. So the Poison Ivy infection did not flare up till a week later. And by that time, it had gotten into the bloodstream and the irritation got referred to other parts of the body (which manifested itself in a different kind of itch and spotty bumps on other parts of my body).

After numerous sleepless nights, a great deal of itching and scratching, use of home/ OTC remedies (like ice-packs, aloe-vera gel, calamine lotion), several doctor visits to the OBGYN and Dermatologist, blood test, a skin biopsy, multiple treatments (including oral steroids, topical creams, bleach baths), and many times sitting on my bed and breaking down in tears; God finally gave me relief from the poison ivy and referred allergies. 

God has been truly merciful, for He knows what I can bear. What has remained from this episode are patches of scarred skin and spotty bumps on my body and limbs. At another time, this vainpot might have been worried about how she’d look- but knowing that God had “protected my face” (for that might be more than what I can bear :p), protected the baby, delivered me from this painful and itchy episode; I can honestly say the scars are reminders to be of how good God is to me right now, to have delivered me from itch! I see them, and cannot believe that I am not scratching till blood is oozing out of the pores.

One major cause of the persistent itch after the Poison Ivy cleared up, was my elevated bile acid levels. The doctors diagnosed this as “Cholestasis of pregnancy”. There is statistical correlation of this condition and still-births, so the doctors have recommended inducing the baby at 37 weeks (almost full term, and the major organs of the child are developed). So this is why we’re doing it next Friday!

Every birth is undoubtedly a miracle, but it really hit home that if God will give us this child safe and sound, healthy and alive; it is nothing less than His grace and mercy, love and compassion on us. Life and health is NOT “normal” in this fallen world cursed by death. Whilst we entrust her life to the only One who can keep it, and we are looking forward to meeting our little one soon; I must acknowledge that there are many moments in a day when I wonder how she is doing inside. Until I see her face to face, and even for every day of her life; I will be praying for God to keep her safe in His arms.

Anyway, as if the 6 weeks long struggle with all my bodily sores is not enough, I was inflicted with hemorrhoids. It wasn’t just swollen veins because of all the pressure in that area, there were multiple blood clots as well. Sigh! I will not go into how difficult it was to sit down or have bowel movements. Thankfully, my doctor skillfully removed them. Although healing from a cut in that area is by no means fun, the good news is that it’s healing slowly and surely.

I’ve gone back and forth whether or not to blog about this - it's not a particularly encouraging piece. But it is part of my journey, a significant episode in this important life event, and something that He has used to give me empathy for those who struggle with physical ailments.

So thank you for listening to me “whine”, thank you for letting me know that you care, and thank you for  your prayers. And I also want to say thank YOU God, for being there.

Redeemer

I’ve always loved the song “Sing to Jesus” by Fernando Ortega.
“Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame, Lord of our sinful hearts, He is our great Redeemer”.

It might be because of the melody or the lyrics. But it dawned on me the other day, that I like it so much because this song captures one of my favorite ways to “relate to Jesus”, and a key theme of “my story in His Story”. That He is my Redeemer.

Yes, He is my Lord, my Savior, my Shepherd, my Friend, my Husband, my Life… All of which are eternally true, and had hit home in unique ways during different seasons. But He as my Redeemer, had been a key and recurring theme.

Here I am a sinner, for all the shame I carry in the past, the shameful acts I will commit in the future, for the sin I carry in my heart; He is willing to be associated with me, to be my Lord and Redeemer.

He redeemed me for God, redeemed me from my slavery to sin – so that I am no longer enslaved to sin and my flesh, but to Him.

He redeemed my past mistakes, and will redeem the mistakes I will make in the future – bringing beauty out of ashes, a song out of tears.

He does not want to be the Lord of a powerful army, of the best people, but He is willing to be the Lord of redeemed sinners, the Lord of me. That He will be willing to pay the price to redeem me from my shame, my sinful hearts, past mistakes and God’s wrath. He is my great Redeemer.

And as some of you may know, this is one of my favorite ways to think of my season in Beijing and relationship with Arthur; that He redeemed “the idol I made out of relationships”, the heartache and pain with the first boyfriend. He showed me how He redeemed the fallen state of creation and humankind, and brought something infinitely good out of the trials and suffering – the way only He could.

This gives me confidence to face the future, that no matter how I screw up, the Great Redeemer will always redeem His own.

I love the idea of redemption. It implies that there had to be something bad or broken or imperfect – and that is who I am. He does not just search for the diamond in the rough, or the unpolished pearl; but even in fragile broken pieces of clay, the Potter can mold and make a masterpiece out of it.

Come and see, look on this mystery 
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree 
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood 
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head 

Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame 
Lord of our sinful hearts. 
He is our great Redeemer. 
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name. 
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death 

Come you weary and He will give you rest 
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast 
Christ who died, risen in Paradise 
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life 

Sing to Jesus His is the throne 
Now and forever, 
He is the King of Heaven. 
Sing to Jesus, we are His own. 
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.

Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame 
Lord of our sinful hearts. 
He is our great Redeemer. 
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name. 
Sing to Jesus His is the throne 
Now and forever,  He is the King of Heaven. 
Sing to Jesus, we are His own. 
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.

Fernando Ortega

Frappuccino Froth

The Mr and Mrs had a “debrief” after we both vented our frustrations the other day.

Arthur asked if I would add a disclaimer to the other blog entry, since a few things I said were untrue. I said no, since that’s what I heard, or rather what I thought I heard.

I also trusted that my matured readers would factor in the many things that can go wrong in a couple’s tiff, and give the weaker one of us the benefit of the doubt.

He probably had to swallow his pride at the thought of being misunderstood, but since he did not press the issue, I thought I might clear the air a little, since he was so gracious about it all. J

Insight did make a huge difference when he let me into his head.

Out of the positive energy he had that day, Arthur decided to go along with the flow, by not declining a Frappuccino order, which he usually does.

So it’s not because he was trying to read me by saying yes, and ordering something that he did not want. Yay!

Evidently, his order of the Vanilla Bean Grande was not because he was trying to read me. But I spurned his efforts, by suggesting that he did such a poor job of it in my earlier post. This really bothered him.

In his defense, he acknowledged that he had deliberately laid aside his usual tendencies to put my preferences over his, and ordered the thing that jumped out at him on the menu. It melted my heart when I heard him say “of course I want to honor your preferences. It’s how I want to love you, serve you and cherish you”. I guess I like it when he orders what I like, and also when he orders what he likes. That’s how we get to love and serve each other!

Five years in, and “still” we get tripped up by a simple coffee order. 

Nothing like a little spice now and then, to give us some reality check. To not take our marriage and each other for granted. To be confronted with how sinful and self-centered I am, when my preferences are not met. And in this case, how even the best of intentions can be so easily twisted in this broken world.

I’m all for conflicts, for when constructively resolved, they help us grow and love each other better. Paradise is a garden that needs watering, care and tons of hard work. 

Frappuccino Frustrations

And so the Mr and Mrs stood in front of the Starbucks counter, trying to decide what to order.

“What would you like?” I asked.

“How about a Frappuccino,” Arthur replied.
“Ok, what kind?”
“How about a Vanilla Bean, Grande?”

Game to try something different, the order was placed. I guess what we were both picturing was some kind of coffee Frappuccino with vanilla bean flavor. But we could not be more wrong, when we were handed this huge cup of white stuff.

A few sips later, the drink ended up in the bin. Not that it was bad, just not my thing and not worth the extra calories. And Arthur wasn’t interested in drinking it.

The “perfectly innocent” Frappuccino became the perfect brew for the frustrations that ensued. What might have seemed like a perfectly “normal” exchange before ordering turned into a “marriage counseling case type of” conversation during the car-ride; which then looped in my head, to be psycho-analyzed over and over again in the last 24 hours.

Things might have turned out differently if the drink turned out to be what we expected/ hoped for. Eden was disrupted over a fruit, and peace was so easily disrupted over coffee - aka. when things don't go our way.

A humbling reminder of how weak we all are, how fragile the peace of our relationships. And marriage, continues to be hard work.   

I don’t know..

It used to be ok to say “I don’t know…”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I don’t know” – may actually be an answer reflective of the wisdom the child has.

“What do you want to eat today?”

“I don’t know” – depending on who your lunch companion is, he/she may relish the chance to decide. The other might retort “I don’t know of a place that serves I-don’t-know on the menu”; but that really is not too big a deal.

“What will happen after you graduate?”

“I don’t know” – this is both the brute truth and the faith reality Arthur and I are in. In some ways, we are waiting for God to tell us; so perhaps the more accurate answer is “We don’t know YET”. I think that’s a fine answer all right, for truly, how can mere humans know our future? We don’t even know what tomorrow brings!

It is usually fine with me to say “I don’t know”. It may be annoyingly indecisive to some, or coyly child-like to others (ok, maybe only me in my head), but then something happened at work the other day that forced me to rethink.

There was some screw-up, a technical glitch in implementation. I was asked “Why did it happen?”

“I don’t know. It seems like a human error to me. I asked, no one fessed up, so I just wanted to solve the issue and move on.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Is this acceptable to you that no one took ownership of the issue? We need to find out what happened so we can prevent it from happening again.”

Ok, I know what you are trying to get at. But a human error is a human error, and it is rarely made by this person. I have no problems confessing and taking responsibility when I made a mistake, but I cannot force another person to own up right?

In any case, I did not feel that bad saying “I don’t know” in that situation. But that triggered a memory.

“You have a gift of teaching! Now what shall we do about that?” Dr. Greggo said to me.

I instinctively smiled and blurted out “I don’t know”.

A part of me was trying to be humble (“really?”, blush) and coy (“aww.. that’s flattering”), and deflect the attention away from me (“ok, let’s stop talking about me and focus on the others around”).

And then I muttered something about doing some teaching during practicum, and see how God leads from there. Lame. It never happened.

It was affirming, really affirming, to have a teacher and professor tell me that I have the gift of teaching.

None of my short term mentors told me that, but then, none of them ever saw me in action.

A few other brothers and sisters who have sat through bible studies with me have told me that before; but while I was encouraged, I was slightly doubtful if they were just being nice.

So that encouragement and affirmation from the professor was God-sent. God used that most unexpected situation to erase any false humility or self-doubt that I had heaped upon that gift for years. I will hang on to this for the rest of my life, I think.

But then, there was the question “what shall we do about that?” The question rang in my ears, head and heart again.

Is “I don’t know” an acceptable answer? If a secular manager could not accept that, why will the One to whom we must all give an account at the end of times?

I am reminded of that servant who received one talent, and buried it in the ground because he did not know what to do with it. We all know what happened to that servant.

Someday, the question will become “what DID you do with it? The gift of teaching that I entrusted you?”

I know for certain that I do not want my answer to be “I don’t know”. It will not be good enough. It will be too late to see that what I’ve built was out of hay or straw, for it will be burned up, and I barely escape through the flames.

I beg to know, not only the answer to the question about the teaching gift; but all the other gifts that He has given to me as well – relationships of family and friends, health and time, work that provides, skills and passions for His Church, and even the struggles with holy discontentment about situations and things.

“My mind and heart is too small, my strength and faith too weak.

Will I be ready for the answers You have?

Dear Lord, please make me do what You will have me do.

I desire contentment, not in the answers in and of itself,

But simply that I have tried, to obey”.

I think about a favorite song of mine, one that I’d love sung at my eulogy…  

"When It's All Been Said And Done"

When it's all been said and done

There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for you?

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I have done
For love's rewards
Will stand the test of time

Lord, your mercy is so great
That you look beyond our weakness
That you found purest gold in miry clay
Turning sinners into saints

I will always sing your praise
Here on earth and in heaven after
For you've joined me at my true home
When it's all been said and done
You're my life when life is gone... 

May Memories and Musings

This one’s for May.. I’m late, but you were not forgotten.

Condolences to the Robin Family

The three little ones did not make it in the end. It must have been the cold, Mama Robin was not able to keep them warm enough nor find them enough food. We heard and saw them but for a day, and they went silent. A few days later, Arthur checked inside the nest and confirmed the sad sad news. Crazy Chicago weather, you took away three birdlings!

Although it’s been a month, I’m still saddened at the thought of the mother bird losing her young ones. Perhaps they’ll reunite in heaven? God, please?

Commenting on my Belly

In case you’ve not heard, “you’re showing!” then “you’re showing so much!” “You showed so quickly”. This is accompanied by intent stares and looks and smiles at my belly. You’re a woman too, surely you can understand this is not comfortable? I responded with “Yes, I’m pregnant. Of course I’m showing, what can I do?”

And then the best one to top it all off “You look like a cylinder. So cute!” I did not know how to respond to that one.

Times like this, I seek refuge in 1 Peter 3:3-4 to focus on cultivating the gentle and quiet spirit, thankful that God seeks beauty within - even for me, Ms Roley-Poley.

Cooking for Pregnancy

One upside with this pregnancy is that it’s pushed me to try out different recipes, or rather experimenting more in the kitchen. I made my first pot of red dates and longan tea, first pot of radish soup (though I was told it’s not good for me), three cups chicken, conpoy porridge and dumpling noodle soup. This child clearly has Asian taste buds!

Contemplations on Womanhood

After finishing the Women’s study on “True Womanhood”, I am still perturbed and perplexed. It’s a pretty good material. I appreciate how it tries to deconstruct the impact of feminism on women today, and I understand that it has the modern American woman in mind. It has tried to focus on principles and emphasizing on us working out what it looks like in our individual contexts. Still, I am left with the same questions and bitter aftertastes.

The examples of women applauded were in the mold of “the missionary wife who did countless loads of laundry, cooked countless meals, played hosts to countless guests”, “the women who prayed silently and faithfully for their families and church”… I love these women and long to model after them. I also love that the church recognizes the unseen, and prizes things that this world does not. But YET, I find that much of the women material emphasizes “walking in the shadows”, at the expense of recognizing women who make a visible difference in different domains out of their commitment to Christ. It’s not really one or the other, is it?

And then there are biblical organizations that I believe in, that would not even allow men and women to be in the same Bible study, to prevent the awkward situation of women potentially correcting/ teaching men during discussions. Where is the line between correcting/ teaching/ encouraging? Ok, at least they are consistent; and not just applying things to the pulpit. But I do not believe this is a faithful application of the helper role that God gave to women!

And is it legitimate to say that because the secular workplace does not recognize God as authority, it is ok for a man to work under a female boss and for a Christian woman to be CEO of a company in those scenarios? How does one who desires to live out all of life under God’s authority; including the male-female relationship that God intends for us to have, do that in the secular workplace? Does an attitude of humility, respect, and “considering others better than yourself” suffice; such that no matter what position I am in, as long as I am not viewing another (man) in contempt, it is ok?

Convocation

Yes! I graduated! Yay!!! This deserves an entry all on it’s own, so more next time!

The first 3 months

It’s the last day of April, and I gotta get something in lest I miss a “month-print” on this space! Thanks to the reminder of my most faithful reader who has this as his home-page. *HUGZ*

Remember watching TV and the actress suddenly cusps her mouth, rushes to the toilet and faces head down into the bowl? The audience knows instantly “ah-ha, she must be pregnant!” What I never figured out, is if anything ever came out. I guess I must have thought that nothing did, because I was caught by surprise the things that could come out of me.

So quickly, so much, tasty some times, grouse some times, bitter some times. I guess my “favorite” is not having had any food, and then let the juices turn my insides upside down. It’s the least grouse in my opinion, at least I don’t have to taste my food twice over. By this time, I’ve gotten used to the routine – as Arthur puts it “my ritual before the toilet bowl”. Things are getting better. There are more good days than bad, but I am not completely out of the woods yet.

Then there’s the pull I feel in my thighs and occasional lower backache. It’s all about the posture, I tell myself. But I never learn until I feel the pain. And the fatigue, racing heart, and short breath; all forcing me to slow down because my body is working full time to help the little one grow. This past weekend, I had to put away so many of my bottoms because I cannot fit into them anymore. Oh too quickly! I miss the shorts I bought last summer!

We had a little scare yesterday when I saw blood in the toilet bowl. The nurse had warned me before that it might happen, and it might not be anything. But still, it did not stop me from feeling fearful for the one inside, or bursting out into tears at my desk. I hoped to God that He did not play a prank on us, for we have just “announced to the world” yesterday; and now to lose the little one at this impeccable timing. Oh God, thanks for being patient with me and my little faith!

Thankfully, Arthur dropped everything, drove all the way into the city to pick me up and go to the doctor’s to have it all confirmed that it was “nothing”. Thank you God for Arthur!

People say “miscarriages are common or normal”, but there is nothing normal or common about the pain and the fear. I don’t know how long I will take, to dare to get pregnant again should I have miscarried. It was reassuring when the nurses said “it is scary, and don’t ever hesitate to call whenever”. As a counselor, I felt empathy, affirmed and safe – that I was not over-reacting or crazy. But it raised another question of how do I “normalize negative experiences” without dismissing what the counselee is feeling?

No, I don’t want to be a whiney pregnant lady; be one of those who only pass down horror stories. I’m penning these down precisely because I don’t really want to be telling them only “bad things” when I talk to people! And I know they will all pass away when we hold the little one in our arms.

Yet, all these experiences are all part of the journey, my journey, our journey. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. I did not know or experienced all these then, but now I do. Sure, every pregnancy is different. But to all the Mums out there, you are amazing! And so is my hubby :)

Pausing on Good Friday

Such a whirlwind… It’s been a crazy month. Hard to believe that it’s almost a month since we went to Israel. I did not even have time to complete my journals and upload all the pictures for the trip. And then there were the admin things associated with graduation, the Comprehensive Exam, school assignments, and of course work.

The days flew by. But the hours passed a too little slowly at times. I’ve been having this “health problem” for over a month now, and it’s forced me to slow down a lot, sleep earlier and do less. Will write more about this in due course, but it suffices to say that it reminds me that every breath and every step I take is all by God’s Good Grace.

And so today is Good Friday. It is the day when my Savior died the death that was mine. He expiated my sin and propitiated God. He is my penal substitution, paid the price with His blood to redeem me from my slavery to sin. He did that, not conditional upon my acceptance or my merit (what merit?!), but simply because He is Love and He loves me.

Good Friday is when humanity is confronted with our wickedness and ugliness. When we are hit on the face with our inability to save ourselves, at all. All the best work of our hands, or the best thoughts of our hearts; are but grass that withers, flowers that fade, and ashes that burn to dust. We need God, period.

But yet, Good Friday is also the day I need to cling on to – even in the brightest day of my life; that God is satisfied. It is the day that gives me hope that He is not going to turn away, that He won and will win at the end of the day, that He is in charge come what may. In the words of one of my favorite song these days (embedded below),

“Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn”

I know that redemption wins, and all the struggles of life will end. I know that a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. I know that all that is dead inside and out can be reborn. Because I’m won – by His Love and His Life.

And Sweet Jesus, gave us more than Good Friday. He gave us Easter, for three days later, He rose again. He did. He won, and defeated our worst enemy death. He won, and crushed the heel of the Ancient Serpent. He won, and gave us new life. Hooray!

Sweet Jesus, help me cling on to you every day, because I need it. I need You. Let this not just be a day, but every day. I love You, thank You for coming, living, dying and resurrecting for me!

Chronicles of Israel ~ Days 1 and 2

Day 1 ~ Flight woes and wins

Due to the snow in Chicago, our original flight (from ORD to JFK to Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv) was cancelled. What followed a small moment of disappointment and asking God for His will to be done, was an amazing turnaround. We called the airlines, and were told that our flight was rescheduled. As it turned out, we were flying from Chicago to Amsterdam to Zurich to Tel Aviv. All the new arrangements were made in less than 30 minutes!
Thank You God for using modern day technology to work all these things out for us. What a blessing that things are so convenient today. Some ways in which technology is a boon rather than a bane. :)

And so we got a more comfortable flight on KLM, and landed briefly in Europe. Visiting the airports made me want so much to step outside to see the tulips in the Netherlands, and the Swiss Alps. Next time perhaps!

After 18 hours of flight and transitions, we finally arrived in Tel Aviv. Driving along the modern well lit highway, I was reminded of my dear Singapore; though the Americans thought of Florida and Miami. At the end of the day, I was struck by the fact that this is a “normal” modern city where people lived and work. It’s easy to forget as tourists that people here lead “normal” lives!

And so we were told that in Israel, the reputation of its 3 most important cities are: Jerusalem studies, Haifa works, and Tel Aviv plays. And TelAviv was voted the most gay friendly city in the world last year.

After dinner, we walked along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, and it is just so refreshing to smell the wind blowing in from the sea. So refreshing.

Day 2

Our first stop is Joppa (or Jaffa). It is a modern day living ancient city. It has always been an international center, at the center of trade routes, and prized by many a conquerors (like the Egyptians, David, Solomon and Alexander the Great). What was most striking for me is to see the layers of history of how God worked in this city.

Jonah was called in Joppa to go preach to Nineveh, to bring God’s message of judgment to the Gentiles. And then Peter had the vision of eating unclean food in Joppa, where God convicted him that He had indeed ordained the Gentiles to receive His Gospel. Joppa is a testament of God’s heart and plan for Gentiles like me, and to be in the place where He started to plant those seeds in the hearts of His people, amazing!

The rest of our day was spent in the Shephelah, which meant low plains.

We made stops at Beth-Shemesh and Aijalon Valley. Beth Shemesh is known to be the place where Samson the Nazerite came from. He was part of the faithful Danites who stayed in the land that God gave to the tribe.

The valleys are so green and beautiful, something that was not part of the picture of Israel in my mind before coming. It takes more than a little imagination to think how a peaceful place as this, was once a place of fighting, bloodshed and strife. It made me wish that Peter Jackson will shoot a couple of the biblical stories, to help me with my (lack of) imagination

Next up was Maresha, the Sidonian Tomb and Maresha bell caves. The trek up the Maresha lookout was kinda steep! I’m glad I did not roll down the hill.:p
The bell caves used to be a quarry supplying the rocks for building. They then became a place where the Crusaders came through and the early church worshipped. The caves were beautiful, so majestic looking. To contemplate about how the early church suffered for their faith in these caves was just heart-breaking. How has the Gospel gone out from my life, since God spared me such persecution?! It was beautiful to sing hymns in the caves. May the music touched the hearts of those who heard it.

And then we went to a lookout that oversaw the Elah Valley, where David fought Goliath. Appreciating the landscape, and imagining the interplay of the forces and power there, David was not being simple-minded or fool-hardy at all! He knew what he was doing, and had the Lord of Hosts behind him. Who can stand against me if God is for me?! The cheap thrill in this leg was picking up a few stones :)

Our last stop for the day was Lachish. This is the second most important city for Judah after Jerusalem. There was much excavation treasures, and you can see the layers of the city that had been buried there. We saw 2 boulders that used to be part of the palace foundation, and even found pottery remains. I wih I can see the city alive in its hey day.

These sites made me miss my time in Turkey with my little moo moo, and looking forward to the time when I can revisit the relics from the early church with Arthur! Ok.. Till next time!

Snow Reflections

Flickering, fluttering
Falling gently from the sky
A miracle
An awesome wonder
What a Creator

Giving cover to the branches

Glistening robe, new attire
Such splendor
The trees beckoning
Christmas morn

The snow falls and it covers

The mud and yuck beneath
And all that remains to the sight
A beautiful piece of white
What purity

How could He say

His child is as white as snow
I am but broken
But He knows I will be whole
For He is Love

Celebrate Recovery

I participated in Celebrate Recovery (CR) for the first time on Thursday. This is a day to remember.

There was a very significant conversation over dinner- but I will leave that for another day. As I was sitting there before praise and worship started, I felt different from the people around me– I am not an alcoholic, nor am I a co-dependent, I was different. Would I fit in here? What did I get myself into?

But as time we sang praises to God, I was overcome by reality. Reality as seen by God. That in God’s eyes, we were all not too different. God loves that recovering alcoholic brother as much as He loves me, my sins were not too different from the sins of that sister who struggled with substance abuse. We were all one in the same, sinners in need of God’s grace, sinners dearly loved by God. It was humbling to be in the midst of people who are so open with their sins. I was one and the same as them.

And then we got into groups. After the introductions and laying of ground rules, the sharing started. I again wondered, I am not sure if I have anything to share – I am not sure if I am struggling with things to the same extent as the women around me. But as I listened to the burdens that my sisters were carrying, the Holy Spirit used one’s sister’s sharing to convict me of a sin that I had only dared to confess to God and two others in private. It was a sin not too visible, but a sin so deep. Although it was long over, but I have carried that stone for so long.

Applying what I learnt from group counseling, I took the plunge. I told the group something that I have never dared so openly admit before. There were tears, guilt and shame. I felt vulnerable. But at the end of the day, there was freedom. There, I said it. It will no longer be a secret sin, but something I had shared in the safety of my family in Christ. I am convinced that this will not be the last time I will share it. I am convicted that this will be something God wants me to use in my ministry to other sisters in the future. This is but a first step, to use the ashes of my sin, to bring about the beauty in Christ.

I was convicted about God’s power in the open confession among the fellowship of believers. That the acknowledgement and personal ownership of sin to in community was so liberating, and a very tangible way in how believers can help carry each other’s burden. I have always believed in and heard about the power of Christian community in helping each other overcome sin, and now I have personally tasted it.

Nasty vent

I just need to vent.

 I have a narcissist staying in my house, and I can’t take it any more!

I might end up sticking to my word, to let her stay all semester (a few days or one day a week). But, I’m not happy about it.

Lesson learnt: to know someone before offering accommodation- at least something that will last a long time.

But for her to come in and talk about her all the time. Demanding everyone’s attention. Since I’m unwilling to give it to her, guess what, she takes Arthur’s time – who when he does not have enough time, scrimp on his time with me! And of course the people-pleaser does not how to say no. I mean, who else would willingly give up attention so he can do what he needs to? NOT the narcissist.

To demand to use one of the 2 bath rods in the bathroom, having Arthur to hang his wet towel on my closet door?! Seriously, you could not find a solution for your wet towel? We’ve had many guests before, none of us have given us this unsolvable problem. But of course, one will not expect less than the narcissist.

Sorry, i know you have tons of sob stories, but seriously, i don't trust you. i just don't. i will not be sending someone to your practice for sure.

We first offered to let you stay for the J-term, and then you ask for the whole semester. But we must be blamed for saying yes. So now i'm angry with myself too.

And now I must risk being a hypocrite living under the same roof as you for the rest of the dreadful semester.

Argh! Did i have to make my last semester such a terrible one? And quite an entry for the first one in 2013!

Ok.. I know this is my Father's world, and she too is a daughter of the Most High. Perhaps, that will be sufficient to get me through the times when we're together.

Urbana 12

There can be no better way to finish a year, and start another one. Urbana 12 Missions Conference.  To be reminded of God’s heart for the lost, His passion to seek them out, His mission when Jesus came, His unconditional love for the world, and His unmistakable call when He gave His people talents.
Be on board to give your life to the work of the Kingdom, or risk wasting your life!

In the opening night, Greg Jao (Emcee of Urbana 12) mentioned in his exhortation that he still remembers and meditates till this day, the sermons he heard in his very first Urbana (perhaps 10-20 years ago?).

I did not think it was possible since I’ve heard many great sermons in my life, but I am not sure I remember them all. But, after these 5 days, I must concede that this forgetful lass actually MIGHT or WILL remember a few messages from this conference for a very long time. I will share my reflections on a few of the messages that have impacted me profoundly.

Jesus is worthy of everything we’ve got. Give our lives, and if necessary, lose it, for Jesus. David Platt (my new favorite preacher, go buy and read “Radical”) pieced the sword of God in Luke 9:57-62; 14:14-24 right into the hearts of our souls that night. Scripture records the reasons that people have for not following Jesus – to bury the dead, bid the family goodbye, see one’s field, trying out one’s oxen or spending time with spouse. Jesus responds to these people will little patience. He sees right through their excuses.

Following Christ will be costly, but He is worthy of our trust, worthy of our plans and dream, and worthy of our affections. He gave His life for us, He faced divine wrath for us, He is the King who will return to establish His Kingdom.
For what or for who, will you be willing to lose everything for? For what or for who, will your greatest love on earth seem like hate? For what or for who, will you be willing to drop everything and change your plans to follow? Have you found that thing or that persom who is worthy of these things?
Dear Jesus, I know You are worthy. Let my life reflect that God, please. Take my life- I want to give it to You, I want to lose if for You, I want to follow You. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

There is much much rejoicing in heaven when the lost sheep, lost coin and lost son is found. Will we celebrate when a lost soul is found?

The Good Shepherd goes with resolution to find that one lost sheep, the woman turns her house upside down to find the one lost coin, and the Loving Father runs and begs undignified to cover the distance between him and his lost sons. To what lengths will we go to seek out the lost?
And we have the examples from Zacchaeus who will not let the opinions and treatment of the crowds stop him from seeing Jesus, LL who will lost her husband and risked the lives of her family by serving in Afgx, and many others who are relentlessly battling their circumstance, fighting their temptations and surrendering their lives in pursuit of Jesus. LL warned us not to settle- for the comfortable life, for hanging out with our favorite people, for the easy environment to be in or raise our family in. It is dangerously easy to do that.
Dear Jesus, I want to see You, I want to find You, I want to be like You. I want to rejoice with You in the finding of the lost. I want to have Your determination in Your cause. Help me be brave not to settle. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

I have finally found the voice for the incessant nagging that I have had, throughout my career. I want my life to mean more than something. In the end, I want to leave something more than a physical inheritance to the next generation.

God has uniquely gifted each one of His children for something. He has a role for us to play in His Kingdom and Economy. If we are not faithful to the talents that He has given to us for the advancement of His Kingdom; we will impoverish the Church, and we are all the more impoverished in our souls. Of course God does not NEED us- as if we are anything. But He wants to! Jesus counted on the 12 (or 11) to share the Gospel to the ends of the earth.
We are made for eternity, and meant to work for eternity – for something bigger than our bank accounts, bigger than our house, bigger than our reputation, bigger than it all. We want to find the sweet spot where God’s Kingdom priorities, our gifts and talents, and the needs of the world meet.
It is not that being faithful at work is not good, or that being a good testimony is not sufficient, but He has made me for something more.
I will now be proud of this holy discontent and keep searching for the place He wants me to be in. I will recognize that my profession and capabilities at work are His gifts too, so I want to be open to how He will use these where I am.
Dear Jesus, thank you for forming me, gifting me, and making me who I am. Reveal Your plans for me, Lead me to follow in Your steps. Make me alert and strong to be Your hands and feet in this world. In ways big and small, may You be all and end all.

As I “stumbled” into counseling, I stumbled into missions. Although I always knew that it would be a possibility with my life being intertwined with Arthur, I have never considered it seriously till now. Singapore, China the States, or any other parts of my Father’s World – get ready for His son and daughter to do some serious damage! Will you who are reading this, be our partner?

So here I am.. Standing at the end of 2012, and welcoming 2013. The world may be in gloom worrying about the fiscal cliff, global economy, wars and all. But here, God has given humanity another day, another week, another month, another year – for His people to shine His light and bring hope till He returns.

Welcome world, welcome 2013, to Jesus!

Merry Christmas!

Dear Jesus,

Happy Birthday! Thank You for coming to our world more than 2000 years ago.  Thank You for laying aside Your majesty, and come to be born as a little baby in the humblest of circumstance.

The world that You came for, did not receive You. It hated and rejected You – even till today.

Some had killed others to get rid of You. Some did not want You around. Some even wanted to kill you.
Some do not even believe you came. Some said that You are not good for You are too exclusive and require obedience. Some cannot be bothered with You.
Even among Your people, sometimes we forget about You. Sometimes we pretend that You are in control even though we are holding on to the reins. Sometimes, we wonder and doubt in our blindness and deafness to You.

Despite all of these. You still came. The depth of Your love, the height of Your grace – who can fathom O Lord?

To have seen the evil Your eyes have seen, and still choose to love. To have experienced the injustice You have experienced, and still choose go forgive. To have heard the objections to Your existence, and still choose to forbear and wait. Lord, You are amazing. How do you do all that? It's crazy!

But yet precious Jesus, I need You to be who You say You are. Otherwise, I will not be able to stand.

How much longer Lord, will your people have to wait to see Your glory? Few saw Your glory in the manger that night, even though all the angels were singing in the heavens.
The next time You come, Your glory will shine through all the earth. Every knee will bow, and every tongue confess, that Jesus- You are Lord. Yay!

Thank You for giving us this day to remember You Lord. Please stay in the manger of our hearts. Please sit in the throne of our lives. And please form Yourself in us, so that we can be more and more like You - our dearest King, Lover and Friend.

I love You Jesus, thank You for coming for me.

In Your Name I pray,

Amen.

Confessions of a unforgiving-holic

I must conclude that I am a prejudiced un-forgiver.

I have a list of people whom I would love never to see again nor spend time with on this earth or in eternity. And then I have a list of people whom I have decided to not open up my heart with. Both lists seem to be growing. Even though time passes, the ink of their names on that list scarcely faded. If I could work myself into it, the wrenching of my heart and the twisting of my guts would seem as fresh as yesterday. I was forced recently to examine why it had been so difficult for this “nice person” to let go.

My grudge is scarcely proportionate to what they did; and in some of these cases, their trespass is not even toward me! I could pin and point where they had erred, and how upset God will be with them. I could blow out of proportion what they had done, and lament the grief they have caused me. I could justify my “righteous anger”. Could I really?

Yet, there are other people who can do far worse things to me repeatedly, and I would willingly risk myself, hope the best of them and hold out the olive brunch time and again. How do I explain the uneven scale?

Forcing the issue down to its roots, the problem was with me and not them. I had not committed to love them- not in the patient, kind, gentle way, and definitely not in the “keep no record” spirit. I focus on the speck in their eye, despite the plank in my own. And I keep pouring salt into the tiny wound they gave. Did they deserve such harsh treatment? Who was I to throw the stone at them?

Grace is not an easy task, and it can be a stench to an unforgiving heart- I had been there for a long time and I think I am ready to quit. At the end of the day, if I had to decide if Jesus or I or they is more important, there can only be one answer. Being the forgiven is not reason sufficient for me to forgive- for I am not divine! But, Jesus loves me and He wants me to forgive them for Him- and so I will. Since He has forgiven my unrighteous anger towards them, how could I hold on to my sin? Of course, I would not become immediate chummies with those people, but I need to give up my right to restituition. I need to commit to grace. 

Forgiving and letting go is such a costly exercise. It is the pinnacle of others-centeredness. It is saying that you and our relationship are more important than me. It requires one to take everything one’s got to work through the inner demons that threaten to consume one. I am thankful for that One relationship, that will always make forgiving worth it. I am so grateful to the One whom, in order to hold on to Him, I must let others go.

I hope and pray that this is it, for this lesson, at least for a while.