I don’t know..

It used to be ok to say “I don’t know…”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I don’t know” – may actually be an answer reflective of the wisdom the child has.

“What do you want to eat today?”

“I don’t know” – depending on who your lunch companion is, he/she may relish the chance to decide. The other might retort “I don’t know of a place that serves I-don’t-know on the menu”; but that really is not too big a deal.

“What will happen after you graduate?”

“I don’t know” – this is both the brute truth and the faith reality Arthur and I are in. In some ways, we are waiting for God to tell us; so perhaps the more accurate answer is “We don’t know YET”. I think that’s a fine answer all right, for truly, how can mere humans know our future? We don’t even know what tomorrow brings!

It is usually fine with me to say “I don’t know”. It may be annoyingly indecisive to some, or coyly child-like to others (ok, maybe only me in my head), but then something happened at work the other day that forced me to rethink.

There was some screw-up, a technical glitch in implementation. I was asked “Why did it happen?”

“I don’t know. It seems like a human error to me. I asked, no one fessed up, so I just wanted to solve the issue and move on.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Is this acceptable to you that no one took ownership of the issue? We need to find out what happened so we can prevent it from happening again.”

Ok, I know what you are trying to get at. But a human error is a human error, and it is rarely made by this person. I have no problems confessing and taking responsibility when I made a mistake, but I cannot force another person to own up right?

In any case, I did not feel that bad saying “I don’t know” in that situation. But that triggered a memory.

“You have a gift of teaching! Now what shall we do about that?” Dr. Greggo said to me.

I instinctively smiled and blurted out “I don’t know”.

A part of me was trying to be humble (“really?”, blush) and coy (“aww.. that’s flattering”), and deflect the attention away from me (“ok, let’s stop talking about me and focus on the others around”).

And then I muttered something about doing some teaching during practicum, and see how God leads from there. Lame. It never happened.

It was affirming, really affirming, to have a teacher and professor tell me that I have the gift of teaching.

None of my short term mentors told me that, but then, none of them ever saw me in action.

A few other brothers and sisters who have sat through bible studies with me have told me that before; but while I was encouraged, I was slightly doubtful if they were just being nice.

So that encouragement and affirmation from the professor was God-sent. God used that most unexpected situation to erase any false humility or self-doubt that I had heaped upon that gift for years. I will hang on to this for the rest of my life, I think.

But then, there was the question “what shall we do about that?” The question rang in my ears, head and heart again.

Is “I don’t know” an acceptable answer? If a secular manager could not accept that, why will the One to whom we must all give an account at the end of times?

I am reminded of that servant who received one talent, and buried it in the ground because he did not know what to do with it. We all know what happened to that servant.

Someday, the question will become “what DID you do with it? The gift of teaching that I entrusted you?”

I know for certain that I do not want my answer to be “I don’t know”. It will not be good enough. It will be too late to see that what I’ve built was out of hay or straw, for it will be burned up, and I barely escape through the flames.

I beg to know, not only the answer to the question about the teaching gift; but all the other gifts that He has given to me as well – relationships of family and friends, health and time, work that provides, skills and passions for His Church, and even the struggles with holy discontentment about situations and things.

“My mind and heart is too small, my strength and faith too weak.

Will I be ready for the answers You have?

Dear Lord, please make me do what You will have me do.

I desire contentment, not in the answers in and of itself,

But simply that I have tried, to obey”.

I think about a favorite song of mine, one that I’d love sung at my eulogy…  

"When It's All Been Said And Done"

When it's all been said and done

There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for you?

When it's all been said and done
All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I have done
For love's rewards
Will stand the test of time

Lord, your mercy is so great
That you look beyond our weakness
That you found purest gold in miry clay
Turning sinners into saints

I will always sing your praise
Here on earth and in heaven after
For you've joined me at my true home
When it's all been said and done
You're my life when life is gone...