Growing Up

I took my 2 nieces out to lunch the other day. Huijuan (Juan) is now 12, while Huiping (Ping-ping) has grown to be 9. I got to know Juan when she was 9.

Searching for a place to have lunch was not easy- since I wanted them to decide. They had different tastes, one like western while the other asian. One saw this as an opportunity to eat the foods that mum would usually keep them away from, while one was worried about mum finding out and giving her a lecture. One would tell me what she wanted, while the other would keep saying “Anything”- except what her younger sister suggested. Thankfully, we finally decided on a Korean restaurant.

And the saga continues during ordering.. Juan would want to tell Ping-ping what to order by multiple hints and suggestions. And of course Ping-ping was too sharp to be cajoled. During the meal, the 12 year old kept fiddling with her phone every 5 minutes- like it was the coolest thing ever. I could not help but roll my eyes- “girl, get a life apart from your phone!”

What a difference 3 years made. I remembered the time when Juan was as 9. I guess part of growing up was gaining some “sense”- after all isn’t it always a praise to be known as a “sensible child”? To make sure that the right thing is done even when mum is not around, to not demand your choice and go with anything, and even when you want something bad enough- to suggest and give others a chance to decide.
Sensibility is a virtue, and having some sense is better than no sense at all. Even though I noticed how Juan has grown and developed some sense and sensibility, I welcomed more Ping-ping’s refreshing straightforward articulation of her desires.
Looking at Juan, I wondered if this is how the road, to being a people pleaser who doesn’t want to decide anything start, or stifling what your heart wants and do what your head says is right, start… Is this really growing up?

Growing up also means you start to develop an awareness that not all of your classmates have your new handphone, and therefore you are pretty high up there in the trendy lot. I was a little annoyed with Juan- that she would rather look at her phone more than her lunch, and had more interest in the dead machine than conversations with those around. I was taking time off to be with her, and surely I deserved more attention than the gadget she has with her all the time? But no, the phone was like the most important thing on the planet that afternoon.
Of course, I knew this was just a phase- I was once there too. And it would be further in the journey when we would learn a little more about what truly matters. This experience gave me some apprehension about raising kids through adolescence- was I gonna be able to stand rebellious kids who had that sense of “self-importance”?

In a moment of epiphany I realized that despite being 15 years older than Juan, I had not grown out of that. I was still “playing with my handphone”, when I am with my family. I might be with them physically- but my mind was at work, or making plans of what next to do. I was preoccupied with myself, at times when God wants me to listen to Him. I just wasn’t able to give him any attention. I was sitting in service, but my heart far from being in His presence.

How did we all grow up? What have we gained or lost in the process of growing up? How is our Heavenly Father so patient with our nonsense, and inability to grow up after all these years and lessons?

I will boast of this..

Something Daddy gave me twice this week...
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these I delight,” declares the Lord" Jer 9:23,24.

Praying that I could understand and know Him more with each day, and make that the treasure of my life forever till I see Him face to face. Happy FATHER'S Day!!

Spouse essay :p

Covenant Divinity School requires a spouse essay for Arthur's application to his program there.. so just parking it here too.. :)
Topic: Her testimony and her thoughts about his pursuit of seminary training.

This is the testimony of God’s daughter, who admits she is unable to see and remember everything her Father has done. But hopes that in her limited expression of words, would show you how amazing He had woven the tapestry of life.

I started going to church at about the age of 5 because my parents wanted me to improve my English. The Sunday School stories were fun and the candies always inviting. But they were not sufficient to remove my dread to go to church, because of having to memorize Bible verses, missing out on cartoons and feeling like an outsider in a group of kids with parents who were also in church. A passive and reluctant participant- God still used her faithful mother, joyful Sunday school teachers and the weekly exposure of Bible stories to draw her to Himself. I first took the baby in the manger and the man on the cross as my personal Saviour at the age of 9. It is against this backdrop that I always considered myself a Christian though I stopped going to church for about 5 years in my teenage years.

Even in those 5 years when church life was absent, God still was in my life through the Catholic Secondary School that I went to. I never thought much of the morning prayers, mass and hymns then- but looking back, God used them to help me not forget Him.

When I was 17, I wanted so bad to go back to church again. I thought going to church was nice, I looked up to my Christian aunt and cousins and wanted to be like them, and for some reason I just started to miss going to church. In His timing, God used a casual conversation with a classmate to bring me back into His family in a local Presbyterian church.

It was during Youth Fellowship that I learnt about faith, love, hope, commitment- Christianity became more than just Sunday School stories, it required a life response. Then came a whirlwind season with much desire and dissatisfaction- a desire for the gift of tongues and experiences of “being touched by the Holy Spirit”, in want to be “singled out by God in a crowd” and having a more “Spirit-filled” church. And all that was mixed with a desire for a relationship, that was not to be fulfilled at that age.

I started leading a small group in church during my University days, and through recommendations from friends in the Varsity Christian Fellowship- I also started to attend additional Bible teaching services and conferences. God provided me several mentors during this season- people who took me under their care, taught me the Bible and encouraged me to do the same and make disciples of Christ. The combination of Bible Study preparation and equipping sessions started to help build my biblical foundation. Being surrounded by like-minded brothers and sisters, also spurred me to grow and serve God by feeding His sheep. And almost like an epiphany, everything in my short Christian history thus far, started to come together.

As I read the Bible, the Sunday School stories that had been buried deep in my childhood memory started coming alive. The Bible stories were not just actions and things that happened in history- but rather they revealed things about God, His character and plan. Things that I learnt during Youth Fellowship started to have more grounding in the Person of Jesus Christ and the teachings in His Word. And I started to understand what being a Christian meant- that I am a sinner, saved by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone.

All the knowledge that I gained starting to give birth to more burning questions within me. “Do I know God?” or “Do I just know about God?”, and “What does it means to follow Christ, am I willing to carry my cross?” I am confronted that this faith, this God demands more than what I have giving Him so far. He is real, He is alive, and He wants a relationship with me. I need to love Him with all my heart, and all my mind, and all my strength.

As certain as I am aware that I had made a personal commitment to God, I know that it is He who first chose me- and will keep me in Him. Growth in the years after till today consisted of experiencing God’s discipline, coming face to face with the depth of my depravity and inability to love like He does, and being completely blown away that He who already gave His life for me would also me show how His sovereignty provides for me and my family in every situation. And one of the most amazing gifts He had given me- is a like-minded companion for life, who promised to love me like Christ loves His church.

I have a few instinctive response with regards to Arthur’s pursuit of seminary training. They revolve mainly around- “I wish I can do it with you too!”, “It’s such a privilege and joy to be able to set apart time to become better trained for God’s work”, to “I believe it will be a season when Arthur will not just grow in knowledge, but also in spirit.” And I consider it also my privilege and joy to have a husband who would pursue doing the Gospel work in a full-time capacity, to be able to support and serve alongside with him.

It had always been my dream to be able to spend time doing seminary training as well. It may not be my time to do it right now, but I hope that I will have a chance to do it some day. For now, it makes me smile to think that God would fulfill yet another of my dream through Arthur. It excites me to think about the godly men and women we will meet, and the chance to learn from them and their lives as we spend time sharing about God and His Word. I certainly believe that during his course of training- I too will partake in the training on the side, and grow as well.

Having said that, I also want to acknowledge that we will always be “work in progress”, and there is no boundary to what we can learn about God and how we can grow in our relationship with Him. So while seminary training can prepare Arthur up to a certain degree, we will forever be in God’s “training school” in Christ-likenss. The seminary training is not the “end-all”.

It would also be a lie to not admit thoughts of uncertainty that flash across my mind every now and then. Uncertainty, not about the seminary training, but about what to expect after the seminary training. We’re not certain about where God will have us be, and what He will have us do. “I don’t know…” doesn’t seem like a very assuring answer to give family and friends when they ask me about what Arthur would do after the seminary training. This uncertainty about the future however, only serves to make the present resolve all the more real and precious.

Our present decision for Arthur to pursue seminary training is built on 2 key foundations- our commitment to serve God and His people wherever we are, and the gifts and desire that God had put within Arthur full-time Gospel ministry as affirmed by family and friends. So although we do not know what the specific ministry context we will be in, we know for sure that it can only be a good and wise thing to do, to get trained and be a skilled worker of God.

By faith, we know that God has opened up this season for us to get trained. And we know that the Faithful One will lead us after this season of training to where He wants us to be.

Postlude to Refusing going to bed

I updated my status in Facebook the other day- “Why am I refusing to go to sleep?” What started out as a playful question in my reflection about my persistence in staying up to read 8 days drew a couple of comments. More than I had expected.

One said I was worrying and not letting Daddy take control- when I first read it, I was like “Man! Where did that come from?”. Another suggested that I was prob too pre-occupied by work- that I would admit partially but I thought this had been a pretty good week with a very comfortable pace.

But in a dramatic way, their comments seemed to have a self-fulfilling prophecy! I would have fought to deny all their suggestions initially- but now, maybe they knew of my subconscious state better than I know?

I woke up in the middle of the night after about barely 3 hours of sleep from a bad dream. And all of a sudden, I had a rush of fear- about going to the States. Maybe I will get mugged and left for the dead in the big land, I will be far away from everything familiar and everyone I love- and have only Arthur, and I started praying against spiritual warfare in our new apartment. What if I don’t like the office there, nor the working environment and pace?

These thoughts are not unfamiliar- I had them in Beijing too. Kind of irrational, but “what-if”s always are… And it is that “you have no one else but God” that always forces the daughter who is far away from home, to cry out to her Daddy in heaven more often than she would in her comfort zone.

But it is the first time I’ve felt fear when I contemplate about our impending move to the States. I might have felt apprehension at times, but most of my thoughts about going to the States revolved around- dreams of having a space of our own & how it would look like, getting used to dinner for two, driving about the country, seeing things, going to places and being able to spend time to study art or music or a new field of interest.

And now, a fear of a different kind had just set in. Arthur had just checked in on the financial aid for school and was disappointed- and is having second thoughts about going to Wheaton this summer. The bad US job statistics threw a damper on my confidence about securing a visa. The timing of the sleepless night and this news may be coincidence, but I cannot help but wonder is Daddy trying to tell us something else?

I am not sure what it is. But whatever He has willed to happen, I can only wait to find out. One thing for certain, whether we get to go or stay, and when we will go- I know for sure that it is only He who has made this come to pass. Human factors may seem to play a part, but nothing is what they seem. He alone writes our story.

Please keep us in prayer.

The good third party..

These drama serials are making me immoral… I’m in love with 2 shows these days- The Good Wife, and House M.D. Therein lies my 2 crushes- my 50 year-old crush Hugh Laurie (a.k.a House), and my 40 year-old crush Josh Charles (a.k.a Will Gardner).. And of course my 30 year-old crush is Arthur Kok- oh right! He’s not a just a crush *winks*

Ok, having crushes are perfectly normal- and I know that :p So they are not my problem.
My issue is, I actually want them to break up other people’s marriage or relationship, so that they can be with the heroine I want them to be with!!! If there’s not something wrong with me, I don’t know what.

It’s wrong, it’s irrealistic- I tell myself that. But I still hate the fact, that I cannot tell the scriptwriters that they should have made that cheating husband a complete one-dimensional ass-hole… Or they need to let my leading men at least have their love reciprocated somehow in her heart of hearts- their despondent faces just haunts me and wrings all my insides.

Right, I can blame it on the scriptwriters. Gosh, how can they do that to me? Made me fall in love with people whom I would have kept at arm’s length, or treated with cynicism if I were to know them. They’ve written such brilliant characters that I would condone House’s acute sarcasm, and "respect" Will as a sharp and hard-nose partner in the law firm.

And the script is so good, that it make me want an ending that’s contrary to all that I believe in and hold dear! I frown at Cuddy’s perfectly realistic choice that I would be truly proud of if I was her girlfriend in real life.. I am rooting for Alicia to do what Hillary Clinton failed to do and walk away- the man isn’t bad for her at all honestly, but I’m just completely irrational in Will’s favour at this point. (Partially coz of my biased viewer tendencies- i dont like how "the other man"- the husband looks :p) How can they make me want something that is so bad?'??

See I have a problem… falling for the oldest trick in the scriptwriter’s manual, and getting all personal and emotional about it. Goodness gracious me.

There is no good third party.. God punishes. God hates adultery. God loves forgiveness. God gives second chances. Thank God that He is there. That He has a standard, and He defines what is right and good and true… Otherwise, the world will be a bigger mess than it already is, and i would be even more screwed up than i already am!

But can I still have my alternative standards in TV-land? Please?

To struggle to do what is right

“Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food if for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” Hebrews 5:13-14

As I grow older, it seems that I need milk more and more- moving further and further away from the solid food I ought to be having. I’ve bought into the post-modern lie of defining what is good according to “ MY Christian values” (what irony…), sank into the fatigue of the repeated failures to do what is good and right, hid in the comforts of the “brilliant rationalization” of my own evils, and became lazy in my struggle against sin.

It is true, and I see it so clearly as Daddy shows me in the school of driving & parking. I remember the days when cheating 15 min with the parking coupon would eat at me- and there were days when He was gracious to give me the wisdom to do right instead of bearing the guilt of that 25 cents. When the Electronic Parking System (EPS) parking was implemented during the early days, I delighted in it- because it meant that I can pay fully what I owe and not have to bear the temptation of having to cheat with the parking coupons.
But these days, I convinced myself that the government is making so much money off me on the roads anyway- it doesn’t hurt that I re-use the parking coupons some time! And I realized that I had became lazy and counted on the EPS to be responsible for my integrity- because I could not be trusted to be right when I needed to be. I cannot be confident even after these reflections that I would do the right thing next time I use those parking coupons.

Today, I bumped gently into someone’s car in the car park as I was reversing into my lot. There was nothing really, I wanted to clean off the stains and walk off. But Arthur kept cleaning and cleaning, and suggested leaving a note. Eventually, the owner of the guy showed up. Then there was of course the inevitable damages-compensation-insurance conversation, which is another story by the way. And I only have my own naivety to blame.
Anyhow, I know the fact that I had borne responsibility for the situation, and faced the person I had done wrong is right and good. But it still didn’t stop me from being a little frustrated with Arthur for tarrying so long, or bemoan the appearance of the driver. Should I even be proud that I didn’t drive off instead? Why cant I be glad that God is protecting me from the guilt of shame or sin, without the negative feelings? Oh how far from righteousness I am!

And I wonder why it is that I am not growing, and not having breakthroughs in my walk with God? I think about people like John Piper, D.A Carson, John Stott. I think about their relationship with God, and how these people had been teaching and preaching the deep things of God since they were in their 30s! The kind of things you know that were true of their life, simply by listening to the things they say. I am reaching that age soon, but I’m still asking God the same questions I was 7 years ago- about life, about work, about my time on earth. I’m going round the circles over and over again, and still an infant. How can I get myself ready to meet Him in another 40 years or so?

I can only take comfort in the writer of Hebrews, that if only I would take that baby step. To be acquainted with the teachings of righteousness, and be willing to constantly using it to distinguish good and evil- and do what is good and right.. I might get to the solid food eventually. To drink deep from the Living Water, to desire God and His holiness, to have His eyes on a situation and feel things the way He does. How long, O Lord?

I'll miss you, Chen Mushi

We may sometimes envy those who live in a lap of luxury- big house, fancy cars, extravagant holidays, wish we had a few more experiences they had, and even convince ourselves to work tirelessly towards that lifestyle. But I’m not sure if anyone who ever attended a “rich man’s” funeral, ever left wishing that he was as rich as that corpse. Whatever luxury he had experienced ended with him in his coffin, and what he had left behind remains in their material case.

We may never envy those who live a hard life for a worthy cause, we may applaud or admire their sacrifice but we’d never commit to join them. But yet as they lay their tired bodies to rest, we feel acutely the pain of a world with a hero lost. And as we remember their lives, the remembrance would turn to a reflection on our lives.

There is an internal yardstick within all of us- no matter whether we would admit it or not, on what truly matters to us. We may in our post-modern state rebel to say that- when we won’t know when we’ve returned to dust, so I’ll only care about the now and how. Whose life would you have liked to live? Whose legacy would you have liked to leave behind? How would you like to be remembered?

As a great doctor, a brilliant surgeon, a caring teacher, a loving pastor, a prayerful grandmother, a godly spouse, a self-sacrificing parent, a very nice boss, a good employee, a great manager, the teacher of the year, a frequent flier, a regular church-goer, a spiritual over-seer? Which role defines who you want to be? Which role defines our every day? What would you give to be who God made you to be?

Chen Mushi, thank you for who you are and what you’ve done. I cannot count how many times your sermons have spoken to me, or how even i'm dead sure you dont remember me- you'll always fondly be remembered as one of my spiritual parents. Maybe we teased too often how you spent 3 years on Exodus and i cant remember how long it was with Revelations.. But I am a life that was changed by yours... I wish Daddy would have given you more time with your family here- after the many years of laboring for the church, it's time your family had more of you.. But my sister said that God had taken His servant Home- and it’s the best possible place you can ever be, for you are finally at rest and with a perfect body- no pain, no ailments. See you some day… You'll be missed...

The pursuit of joy

This is my response for the Abiding in Christ class last week- the only one I have done so far :p

Jesus says “I have told you this, so that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be complete”.
We talked about many things that would typically arise in a topic like this- how joy is different from happy, joy is deeper and independent of circumstance, and that joy is to be found rooted in our relationship with God. Some honest things also came up- like how sometimes we may find such people annoying, and people who exuberates such joy are unreal and “live in a world of their own”.
But the same nagging questions we had were- what does complete joy look like, what is the implication that we do not feel joy all the time, does that mean that we are not remaining in Christ?

Three people come to mind when I think about joy. David- it’s apparent from his psalms, and emotional expressions that he experiences joy from his relationship with God. Jesus- because of the above. And Paul- whose letters never fail to express the joy he has in the Lord and the growing church, and teaches that joy is a fruit of the Spirit.

All three of them, had not easy lives. David had to flee for his life from Saul, mourn for the loss of his son, and grieve that his son wanted to usurp his throne. Jesus was a man of sorrows, who lived to die, and experienced betrayal and denial from his closest friends. Paul always fleeing from persecution, getting flogged and spending time in prisons.
No one in the right mind would say that their lives were filled with joy, but I suspect that if you were to ask them- they would say without a doubt that they had joy.
Why then do we modern city dwellers who had not experienced an inch of what they would call hardship, mourn so easily about the lack of joy in our lives? Would you trade the worst experience of your life with them, ever?

I am convinced that the pursuit of joy is a futile one. If we spend our time wondering if we have joy, measuring our “joy-level” and thinking about ways to have more joy, we might be sorely disappointed. As Paul describes it- it’s a fruit of the Spirit, something that would bear forth from a Spirit-filled life. And the key for Jesus’ joy to be in us, lies in the “this” that He has told them. David found strength in the joy of the Lord, not the other way round.

Neither Paul, Jesus nor David were caught up with desiring joy for their lives. They were all caught up in something else, and someone else. Paul was crazy about the Gospel and building the Church. Jesus was all about loving the Father and His friends. David had passion, deep passion for God. And if you think a moment about your “heart full of joy” experiences- when did they come about? Did they not involve being in love with something or someone?

We all find joy in different things, and we all most certainly express our joy in different ways. But joy, in my humble opinion, is something we find in something else. It is not an end in and of itself, it is a “by-product”. The pursuit must not be about joy- but of something or someone else.

For David, it is to go after God’s heart. For Jesus, it is to do the Father’s will. For Paul, it is to present the church holy and pleasing to God. They were not seeking joy out, they just had it while pursuing the thing they were passionate about. Sure, that journey brought them through many valley-low experiences, but nothing could rob the joy they have in midst of their tears.

Why is it that a Christian today would be hesitant to confess that they were full of joy? My reflection is that- I am disturbed by that question only when I’m feeling disconnected with God, and a lack of purpose in my life or Christianity. During seasons when He has graciously allowed me to have the certainty that His will is being done in my life, I won’t consciously feel joyful. But if you ask me if I have joy then, I think I wont hesitate to say yes.

From a visit...

She was in her teens when she married
Her husband left her to seek out a living in a far away city
She brought up their only son faithfully
But she’s hearing voices around her and in her head
What if her man never comes back
She’s not going to let her faith to be reduced to pity

She packed her bags and took their son on a journey
Over the seas, to make her family complete again
She braved the waves and the packed junk
Found her husband and they lived happily many days after
But eight kids later, he left her again
This time to a far away land, never able to return forever

She worked hard to raise her children with her hands
Gave them an education she never had
They grew up and started families of their own
The good days were finally near, she thought
But who could stop the clock from ticking
And the body breaking down from aging

Now in her room she sits all day
And that is all that had become of her world
Where is this place, it’s not her home
Who are the familiar strangers who talk to her,
Should she know them at all
The days of the past grows faints with every recollection
Is she more than her aching bones she wonders

She would probably never read this
And the writer erased from her memory
Should life’s meaning only be found in living
Or would it only be worth living in-knowing

The Proposal

What’s in a proposal? A guy, a girl and a ring. A bashful nod, and a ride into the horizon of eternal bliss. How sweeeet.

Too bad guys, the bars have been raised and the playing field a lot higher now. Don’t think your work is done when you’ve gotten the girl. Now, you’ve got to get her to say yes to you. And what would it take, to get her precious nod? Let’s count thy ways.

DeBeers had successfully converted the world. It cannot be any ring- only a diamond ring would do. And not at any price, some would say it needs to be about 3 months of the lad’s salary. So get ready to work hard and save that 3 month’s pay to fatten the account of the jewelers’. *GRIN*

You can blame it on those all girls’ outing. Your girl needs not just a flashy ring to get the ooohs-and-ahhs, but also a “Wow.. that’s so sweet”-story to share with her girl friends. Go crack your head and play with the variations of a romantic dinners, extravaganzas, holidays… Don’t roll your eyes. If you don’t meet her expectation, don’t be surprised when she sends you back with her “Try again”.

And there is that eternal dilemma of working in the surprise element. Girls always like a good surprise. And you’ve got your ego, so you must be sure she’s gonna say yes before you pop the question right? But how then will you surprise her? You try something out of this world out of the blue, she’s bound to know that’s where you’re heading

What’s in a proposal? A lot of hard work, stress, planning and money. Girls, is that all you’re looking for?

You may have the biggest diamond on your hand, be proposed to with your name written in the skies, and be completely swept off your feet when he caught you by surprise. But I’m begging you, don’t let all these things be the biggest part of your story.

Let your smile be brighter than the refined coal on your finger, as you look into his eyes and see a man who loves you completely for who you are.
Remember not just the romance of the evening, but the romance of the promise- the promise of a man who is asking to marry you so that he can take care of you, and honor you for the rest of his life.
Surprises last just but a moment, don’t trade the gravitas of the moment, of all the hard work and thought he’s put in to get to where he is, too easily. He planned the proposal for you, not them.

Your real friends would be thrilled for you that you’ve found the man who would be your companion for life- no matter how small the rock is, or how "simple" the proposal appeared to be.

What’s in a proposal? When a man gets down on his knees, to ask the woman he loves to spend the rest of their lives together, a step towards down that red carpet to make a promise for a lifetime. Sincere hearts, true love and good faith- that’s truly all that matters, and all that it takes to make it THE PROPOSAL.

**

Would like to dedicate this entry to a pair of beloved brother and sister who are engaged :) He made your "logical, simple and expected" proposal perfect... The water, the stars and the breeze, and nothing beats that it's an answer to prayer at His ordained timing :) Blessings on the wedding prep and house hunt!

My 3 worlds

I’m in three different worlds these days.. One in my own little world- with family, church, friends, work and life. One along the corridors of The West Wing. And one in the world of Emma & Knightly- the story book sequel to Emma not written by Jane Austen. The latter two actually only exist within the first, but their reach goes far beyond the little corner of time and space they occupy.

I could be seeing the West Wing family a lot more often, if Arthur hadn’t narcissistically allowed me visitations only on the weekends. *GRIN* But they make me feel smarter, and a lot more in touch with the politics and international relationships in my world. That world gives me a lot more perspective than I can hope to manage on my own. It reminds me that there are lots of BIGGER problems out there- issues that matter and impact more people. And governments, they do not have all the answers and they’re also still figuring things out. More grace for the fumbling politicians.

A secret and a crisis threaten the marriage of Emma and Knightly.. Ah.. but long gone are the days when I would put myself in the shoes of the heroine, and bring her world into my own. Days when I would be watching a swordplay series, and trying to fight off air demons with my badminton racket. Days when I would feel as despondent as the characters when they’re facing a patch.
Today, I’m a passer-by in the streets of Highbury. Frowning as circumstances prevent Emma from talking to Knightly, and watching and wondering how I would have done differently if I were her. It’s no good to sleep on secrets, girl!

I’m getting a kick out of visiting these different worlds in my mind at different times. Visiting them, and bringing them into my world- instead of getting lost & caught up in theirs. They offer me a place to rest when I need a different kind of reality, and somehow makes the issues in my world more manageable.

Speechless

Her parents never had a marriage in substance.. and the pastor is absolutely clueless in asking her mother to keep this dead marriage… What is the point of keeping the appearance of a marriage when her father never kept the spirit of the union alive? Isn’t this like a Pharisaic mutation of keeping the law?

But it is cruelty when she was asked to type the letter. Tears started streaming down her face when she tried to put the words on paper. Words she's been saying easily...and foolishly.. She realized that she could not do it. And if she could not contemplate the idea of them being divorced, what is to be said of her mother in pain?

Chicken Soup in a can

Sorry i've been missing in action.. Been so out of it coz was super ill :( Well, am better but still not completely well yet. Mentally exhausted too- working a lot more than i like these few months. i'm really gonna try to use the year end holidays to quieten down and sort things out.

My most loyal fan is prob not too thrilled about this entry since he was the one who sent it to me :p I cant do anything about my physical condition except to wait for Daddy to heal me.. But the below is like my chicken essence for the soul. I try to read it every now and then to take me out of me "burn out from work mode". It's worth reading once a week! Enjoy :)

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ’In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Don ask me where 8, 15, 34 are... I'm not changing the numbers coz i like 45 better than 42.. hahahha

Random Musing

It’s the rainy season again, and so close to the holidays. Slow drives on the road alone gives me the space to indulge in the nostalgia that this season brings. The pretty things in the stores ignites the desires of gifting. It’s my favorite time of the year. This might well be my last Christmas in this city for a few years, and I’m missing it already.
***
Work has been taking up a lot of my time. There are people who bemoan that they are busy, but secretly love the sense of importance that comes with it. I hate to admit that I’m busy, and am ashamed to be living the hypocritical life. I say relationships are important to me- but yet I spend most of my time doing work that I believe deep in my bones has no eternal value.

Most of my week nights, I have dinner, go into my room and work on the computer or talk on the phone till it’s bed time. My family’s just in the next room and my husband’s on the same bed- but yet my focus and attention is on people more than half the globe away. People whom I enjoy working with, but people who matter much less than those whom I have with me. Irony.

Marriage Musings

Marriage is something on my mind very much lately. There are some who have been married for years who mock at the young couple- talk to me ten years later and after you have kids before you talk to me about love and married life. As much as I long to prove them wrong with a different story from theirs a decade later, it’s hard for me to feel indignant about it.

My faith is weak. If even with such a Perfect Lover like God, man could still be tempted by the world- what hope do I have in the imperfections of a mortal husband, to not be lured by other pleasures. If even with an unceasing, unconditional Love, I can still spurn and choose to hurt Him- what hope do I have in my wisdom and ability to do love Arthur rightly. When I observe the people around me, what are my chances of winning the battle of having conversations that matter with Arthur- instead of talking about the kids, weather and everything else that doesn’t really matter.

That’s why my faith is not in my love for him, nor is my hope in his love for me. My eyes cannot be on Arthur, nor thoughts be on myself. Faith needs to be on the Faithful One, who will not fail our hope in Him. When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, He will lead us to think about how we can love and serve the other. God in His grace and mercy, will keep us loving Him till the end. And only in so doing, can weak humans have the hope to truly live out the purpose He intended for marriage- and bring Him glory.

Life Group musings

It does not take a social psychologist to tell you that it is the human social norm to form cliques. And since birds of feathers flock together, we will naturally be with people whom we like, and who are to some extent like us.
There is nothing wrong with that- and in fact it is a gift, that God brings people into our lives whom we can form relationships with so effortlessly! But in a Christian group, what should our culture be? What culture should we try to cultivate? What culture would I want my group to be known for? What matters more?

What was Jesus’ small group like? Let’s see… Fishermen, tax collectors, zealots,… I wonder if small group co-ordinators today would put the fish-monger and finance people in the same group? Did Matthew and Peter speak the same language- would they have associated with each other if Jesus had not called them as His twelve? Perhaps not? Definitely NOT. But they survived living 24/7 together for three and a half years, and in whatever dynamics they had, they all lived for the One who mattered- except for one.

Were all of them of the same maturity and had the same intimacy with Jesus? I don’t think so- there was the inner circle of 3 who knew the deeper things. But Jesus still taught them the same truth when He spoke. He spoke to some on the side at times, but the most important things He taught them all. Some got it more than others, some might get it later than the others.

I’ve had many different convictions and learnt many lessons over the years as I led small groups. I need to admit that it’s easy to fall into the temptation of wanting members to like the group, to want to be part of it, to own it, and to like me as their small group leader. Not that all things are not important or illegitimate, except the last one of course. But I imagine looking back in the future, and what would I be most proud of? That everyone had a good time while it lasted? That’s so small, too small.

I would trade a distinct small group identity, I would trade a unique culture, I would trade group unity, I would trade warm fuzzy feelings & nostalgic memories…
In exchange if the group could be identified as followers of Christ by the lives we live on our own and with each other, if each time we gathered it was a unique moment in our weekly routine that we came face to face with Christ in His Word and each other, that our unity be found in Christ and Christ alone, and what we hold on to is living for His Kingdom till He comes again.

You Belong with me

This in my favourite music video these days.. Really fun, really cute, and really makes me say YAY for girls in T-shirts :) But who am i kidding.. it's Taylor Swift... Hooray, weekend's here!

Reflections on Oct 17

It’s a lazy quiet Saturday afternoon. I would pretend that I’m carrying on a conversation with an old friend about my married life so far. It’s funny to be writing about this today, 3 years since the day we started dating- but I guess it makes looking back on the journey that we’ve travelled together thus far more romantic. :)

Before we started dating, Arthur said “As a man, I want to be able to give my wife the freedom to do whatever she wants. I want to provide the environment so that she can thrive and be who God intends her to be.” That left an impression, and at that time, I remember thinking to myself- “Your wife would be such a lucky woman to have that freedom. If I have that freedom as a woman, I would love to stay home and be with my husband and children. And isn’t it wonderful that my desires do not conflict with the ‘biblical’ perspective of mothers and married women.”

Arthur spoke more than he knew. Although Arthur probably feels like he failed me on this front by our current circumstances, but God had done so much more to fulfill his intention than he thought he did. He has given me so much freedom to discover myself, to know myself deeper, to (painfully) question what I would really do if I could do whatever I want- instead of preconceived notions that I had built up in the past. My self perception of marriage, being a married woman and a mother has been challenged over and over again.

I began to realize that though I would be content with my husband’s praise and being involved in church, I like being able to contribute and be valued professionally as well. I am still trying to work out whether or not that is legitimate- but I must admit that I enjoy working more than I thought I did. Staying home to bring up our children would still be a sacrifice I’d make, but I would definitely need to be involved in something else to satisfy that “professional me”.

Marriage has also teased out this restless soul of mine, and be the fuel to my flickering desire to live life fully and pursue passion- instead of giving way to safe options and weighty considerations. Having a companion to encourage me, and be there to try out the different options/ routes with me- makes the destination less important than the journey itself. It doesn’t matter as long as we’ve tried our best in all wisdom, and even if it fails, we would have lived to learn for another day.

The start of our second year of marriage had been a little more challenging than the first. It’s been a trying time on Arthur- as he is confronted with some of his weaknesses, and his frustration with his present work situation and the lack of a future direction. Thankfully he has emerged with a desire to return to the States, and pursue a graduate degree or job of his passion. God willing, we’re hoping to go to the States some time mid 2010.
I would so hate if he had lived the life he always described he would lead- “to find a job that pays well but that he doesn’t like as much so that he can provide for the family”. I am thankful that God has led him out of this crazy idea this quick!

Being single, I had thought of marriage as a destination. But I now know better that it truly is the beginning of another journey. It’s tempting to travel towards the destination of being married, but even after marriage, you will realize that you’re still you. You will need to know how you’d be travelling together with your partner, where would you be travelling toward, and who you’ll be journeying for.

Our marriage is not a conventional one by Singaporean standards- no HDB, no 5 year plans, no stable job. Serene applauded my courage.. It’s not easy and some days are harder than the others I’d admit. But it truly is not that tough honestly, and I cannot imagine travelling otherwise… Especially if you know that you’re living through experiences that He will use to bless others in the future, I would not trade it for anything else in the world... I draw strength from the knowledge that He has led many of His servants on that path as well.

“… And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him… All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them”

Julie & Julia, Eggs & Bible

This entry is not about the movie (Sadly, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would). But in consideration of related thoughts and discoveries, am contented to “credit” the movie by entitling this entry after it. (What audacity! :p)

In Julie & Julia, Julie has never eaten an egg, discounting eggs in cakes, pastries or used in cooking of other dishes. She has never eaten an egg, egg, until the first poached egg she made according to one of Julia’s recipe. To her delight, she discovers that eggs tasted better than she thought they would.

I have of course eaten many eggs and in many ways. And…. I have finally discovered my favorite way of eating breakfast eggs during the US trip! I used to hate runny yolks- well, actually all sorts of yolks unless they were beaten up. And I think I still am not able to bear the thought of swallowing the yellow bulb in one mouthful, or mesh it with the half-boiled whites with soy sauce & pepper Ya-kun (a traditional Singapore coffee-shop) style.

But I think I might just have fallen in love with the runny yolks, served over the English muffin (which is one of my favorite breads) with American sausage and pepper.

Imagine pricking the over-medium egg (poached is my favorite, though over the pan is fine). The golden yolk oozes out from the thin membrane holding it together. The liquid sun flows over the cooked whites (they need not be fully cooked, but must not be too runny), and into the porous English muffin. The muffin delightfully soaks up the rich yolk.

Have it with some sausage and pepper. And what you have in your mouth is wonderful medley of rich creamy yolk, complemented by the whites, the distinctive texture and fragrance of the English muffin. The sausage provides the right “salty” taste, and the pepper gives the light spicy finish.

Gosh.. waking up has never been more attractive if such a breakfast was awaiting me.

**

In Julie & Julia, Julie said that she felt as if Julia was with her in the kitchen when she was making her recipes. As if Julia was there to tell her what to do, to watch what she was doing, and guiding her along- just by having the cook book in front of her! It’s as if she was having a relationship with Julia just in that room, and following instructions in a manual has never been that alive. Julie seemed to have gotten to know Julia through her cook book. It delighted Julie to be able to carry out the steps outlined by Julia with precision, witness how perfectly the dish turned out, and enjoy the compliments the friends dish out as they taste the food she has prepared.

Though not a perfect analogy, there is much parallel in the above for the Christian. I wonder why we have so much trouble doing what the Bible says, and why we are not able to interact with God when reading the Word that He breathed. And how can we be so thick to not see that when we do what He says in His Word, our lives would be perfected in Him (not necc a bed of roses for sure) and we would be a blessing to others?

The Bible is of course not a recipe book- in fact, it is so far from being one. But just to challenge those who perceive that the Bible is like a book of law with only instructions to follow, if Julie can derive so much joy and converse with Julia by reading and making the recipes in her cookbook- surely we can too?

If we would contemplate God when reading what He wrote, what He was thinking when He wrote that, and converse with Him. If we would not just read, but do what He has said, will we not test and approve His good and perfect will?

Travel Tweet 5: Decatur and DC

The holiday has finally come to an end- boo hoo hoo. I had unfortunately fallen behind in my travel tweets, so I’ll tie up the trip with this by skating through our last 2 destinations.

Arthur’s three highs from our time in Decatur are:
- working around the house (he was a carpenter, gardener, handy-man and bee-hive migration officer…),
- fixing jigsaw with the family (everyone’s so skilled and patient with these puzzles!),
- and sitting around after meals to chat over coffee and dessert.
This gives a pretty good feel of what our time in Decatur was like. “Being home” is really the best way to sum it up- being able to relax in the comforts of the beautiful house and the wonderful company of the family.

We did some sight-seeing as well, I was really impressed with the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield. But what I enjoyed best was the “ordinary things” that we did as a family together- like watching TV on the couch, catching a movie and eating at home. These seemingly ordinary things are a luxury for us since we don get to be together too much.

I concluded that Washington DC might be my favorite city to live in. Though we spent only one day down town, I love the feel, architecture and layout of the city. I have a soft spot for buildings that are not too tall, they are less oppressive and allows for more sky space. The many museums that line the mall, and presence of many government buildings, work together to give the city a feel that is different from the other commercial hubs.

What I consider to mark my time in Decatur and DC, is finally being able to meet the extended family from Dad’s side, the family-in-Christ in his home church, and all the special people from Arthur’s history. All the precious people who have been God’s tools to mould Arthur to who he is today, who has known him for a longer time than i have, and who makes his eyes light up with love, respect and longing whenever he talks about them. It has been such a joy and honor to meet all of them! And it is my special pleasure to be able to identify and call them by name, those in his old pictures these days.

It is not the fact that it’s my first trip to the US that makes this vacation special, but rather the chance to know a little better the country and culture that he had grown up in, to see the places that he had lived in or walked through, and to meet the people who are special to him.

I guess this vacation provides a good end to our first year of marriage. The receptions allowed us to indulge in the memories of where we started, and a trip like this reminds us that we are making memories together day by day- not just of special moments but even the most ordinary everyday.

God has been so gracious and totally spoilt us. Thank you Daddy for everything, and thanks to everyone who has been part of this trip, including you!

Signing off for the Travel tweets! *waves*

God forbid

Katie sang this in church last weekend. A song that voices the need for the weak human to respond to God as who He is. My heart's cry..

The more I know your power, Lord
The more I’m mindful
How casually we speak and sing your name
How often we have come to you
With no fear or wonder
And called upon you only for what we stand to gain

God forbid, that I find you so familiar
That I think of you as less than who you are
God forbid, that I should speak of you at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy
How it seems to me your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take you for granted
Though you’re closer than a brotherYou’re more than just a friend

You are Father,
God almightyLord of lords,
you're King of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything

God forbid
God forbid

Travel Tweet 4: Chicago

Grand-aunt Darlene and her friend Joe sat across us. She had lost her husband a year ago, and he, his wife to cancer for 18 months now. It is obvious how much Darlene missed Grand-uncle as his name came up in every other conversation. And there was a twinkle of tear in Joe’s eyes, as the strong man spoke of his wife to people he had only met for the first time. Darlene and Joe had known each other’s families almost all their lives.

Sitting across them, there was a sharp pain in my heart. Not for them- I am so glad that they have each other for companionship now. But because the truth of “we all become single again” finally hit home, hard.

There would come a time when either of us would be sitting in their chairs- having been left on earth, while the love of our life would be with Jesus. Would loneliness be so hard to cope? Would we dare to have another relationship then? Would things and activities ever be sufficient to fill the void left by a person?

I saw two people who had lost their loved ones, and still had lives to live. It was clear that both understood they each had lost the love of their lives, and it was that loss that drew them together. They appreciated the companionship that the other person offered, but at the same time missing dearly their spouse. What was the underlying dynamics of their companionship? It was not the resounding “God made me for you”, and saying “you’re just here to fill the gap” is too cruel. In some strange sense, their relationship made their loss seemed even greater.

Arthur and I have often talked about the morbid subject. And for his sake, I will never want to leave him behind. Stirred into that same pot of “looking at life” that weekend, was watching Up, and visiting Wheaton.

Visiting Wheaton, we were again confronted with graduate school options- and questions about future direction. The desire to pursue once-in-a-lifetime experiences of being in school together, to coherently take the next step in response to God’s gifts in our lives but not knowing what the future entails. Do we love God more than our financial security? What would we show of our lives?

More New York Pictures!

Travel Tweet 3: New York

It’s so surreal being in NY.

It’s a city you feel you know because of the exposure to America we get through the media. You’ve heard of the names of the streets, you’ve seen the parks in the movies, you get pictures of the museums in the magazines, you’ve wondered what the buildings of the MNCs you see in Singapore would be like in their home country. So, standing in midst of Central Park or Wall Street or Times Square- you just get that “I cant believe I’m here!” rush come over you. Not in an overpowering sense at all, but rather like finally meeting an online friend.

Many have asked me for my first impression of NY. And my standard reply is that it’s a city of contradictions. It’s not exactly the best word, but I cannot describe very well the blend of thoughts and feelings that come into play with my observations.

Boasting some of the most modern skyscrapers in the world, an overhaul of its subway stations and airports is so so long overdue. It amazes me how these clanky old metallic trains work so well on these old rails though. BUT i must say that it’s a subway with more character than the new modern ones.
Architecture wise, there is also much contrast between the new and old buildings. You can have a hundred over years old building (still very well-maintained mind you) standing next to a modern structure. And these old buildings make you feel like you want to peel off the layers of history that lies behind the city and savor it, and what you’re seeing in the modern tower next door is the glitzy candy wrapper.

Expecting tips for service, the service levels do not even come close to being tip-worthy (in my humble opinion). And not to mention how some New Yorkers take pride in being rude. But since that’s my expectation anyway, they do not really rub me the wrong way. Simple courtesy go a long way to make my brows rise and and lips smile.

The city is diverse with different types of people, but the diversity survives on tolerance and not acceptance. This is one whole essay, don get me started.
It’s a city full of live and energy- so many different things to see and do at every corner, so many people passing through. But its built on unnecessary excess (note the double emphasis!)- like keeping the crazy billboard lights running even in broad daylight. Go green and waste energy?

Anyhow, all these crazy things about the city lends a unique charm to it. It’s like recognizing flaws in a friend but accepting him as who he is. And seeing and appreciating the beauty and character of the city simply.

Our time here with family and friends and food was wonderful. Getting to know more of Arthur’s family and friends, and his history :p It’s fun listening in to Arthur and Kimberley’s talks about the family. Catching up with precious friends who are so dear to us- deep conversations and great chill-outs. Time was short, but every encounter memorable. And finally meeting my boss and colleagues whom I’ve never seen before- it’s so great to finally be able to put a face to the names I write to every day. As for food.. how much time do you have?

Looking forward to my first Broadway musical and Baseball game when I get back! Can’t wait!

Sorry.. Still trying to sort out the pictures- it’ll come in a while!

Travel Tweet 2: Jamaica

Ok, I need to say upfront that this is a business trip. We didn’t get to hit Montego Bay nor did too many touristy things. But, the chance to get to know a country this up close and personal had been a very rich and enlightening one.

As someone puts it, Jamaica has an old soul. Although it is still young in economy, urban and industrial development, but it is a country with a rich history- and layers waiting to be uncovered. Raggae music aside, it has had a colorful political journey (though this has worked against the progress of the country over the last few decades).

The Jamaicans often compare themselves with Singapore, and Minister Mentor LKY had visited it during the sixties. Till this day, they still remember that he took the Jamaican ideas and plucked it into Singapore. And he famously said that Jamaica had everything going for it, but the people were its biggest problem- they just love to have fun too much.

I guess there has to be some truth to that, the rich poor divide today is pretty heart-breaking. But I must say that there are so many brilliant Jamaicans. I have been so impressed, with not just their knowledge, experience and calibre, but also all of their hearts and desires to see Jamaican flourish. Of course, I take it with a grain of salt. There are some policies I do not understand (30% interest rates??!!), and there must be still some hidden problems that have kept foreign investments at bay. While waiting for the gap between talk and action being bridged, I can only pray that the gap between the rich and the poor do not increase at too fast a rate.

We spent most of our time in Kingston, where all the government offices were. There is definitely much room for city development. Arthur had back-to-back meetings with the rest of the delegation while I was mostly stuck in the hotel working. Too many and long heavy dinners with officials, and businessmen left us drained, often wishing that the evening would end earlier.

The most touristy things we did were over last weekend. We visited Vernom field- a large open space that the government was looking to develop into an airport hub (err… which I think would take a couple of decades, and “potential” was the buzz word). Then, we went to the milk river bath, which was one of the most radioactive waters in the word- supposedly good for health and had healing properties. In the evening, we stayed over in Aloysius’ “godfather”’s- Uncle Billy’s house, and had the experience of a lifetime of attending a Free Masons (a gentlemen secret society, Dan Brown uses them a lot, go google!) dinner. In midst of it all, we also visited coffee and rum factories.

Food was fun- I really enjoyed the Jamaican fare. The top 5 foods that I love are- Jerk chicken, ackee and salt fish, plantain, mangos (so many different types!), and ginnip. Okie dokes, a pretty long tweet.. here’s some pictures, enjoy!

Travel Tweet 1: In the air

This is obviously not a usual tweet. It’s more like tweeeeeeeeeettweeeeeeettweeeeeeet… :p

Oh yeah, I’m obviously in a holiday mood, and am so glad to be back in the business of writing. Providing short travel bites along the way helps me feel that you’re on the journey with me.. It also saves me from having to trace back 5 weeks worth of travel thoughts in one lengthy blog post. So here’s my first tweet, on what I did with my 18 hours of air time… :p

It’s my first ride on Japan Airlines, and I would definitely ride it again. Both flights were relatively smooth, and the service standards high. How can anyone resist pretty Japanese stewardesses who were always smiling, polite and so sincerely apologetic and hopeful when the entertainment system was down for about an hour.

The technical glitch provided some interesting reflections. I must confess that I was pretty upset that I could not start my movie. I tried almost every ten minutes to re-select my movie, only to realize that I wasn’t the jinx this time round. They had to reboot the entertainment system twice, and passengers were visibly a little frustrated. But there was really no other recourse than to wait, so i could only helplessly resign myself to patience management.

My frustration and impatience made me realize that as a passenger today, I had an underlying expectation to be entertained on my flight. I still brought my book, I could sleep, I had my laptop there were things I could still do, but that didn’t stop me from frowning. Why? I tried to imagine flights in the last decade when there was no in-flight entertainment system- they still managed to pass time without the frustration, why was I not able to keep my impatience in check? Hmmm...

And then, there is this amazing phenomenon noted by Arthur. All the passengers remained in their seats until the seatbelts signal was turned off after landing. This would not have been possible in Air China or Singapore Airlines for that matter. *grin*

Oh and one last thing.. the food really yummy. Not quite the sushi and total Japanese fare I was hoping for, but the yuzu salad dressing, cold somen appetizer, tamago and pickles side dish, matcha cake dessert, pancakes & waffle breakfast and citrus kumquat drink definitely left an impression. Wondering what I’ll have on my way back…

A or B?

Personality A: The dove who wants to believe the good in others, to look beyond their agendas and motives and to do unto them what Jesus would. It’s not about being simple minded and putting blind faith in others- the others, who they are and what they think or do, don even matter. Rather choosing to base her actions on the One who really matters. Cest la Vie, and being in the moment is her mantra.

Personality B: The guarded worn dog who looks upon the eager beavers and smiles from a distance. Weary of conversations that go in circles, and those that try to look deeper than it actually is, she’s becoming more comfortable with mindless chatter than she used to. Letting go and moving on also seems to be getting easier and easier. Take things easy, is her tagline.

Can Personality A and B be a good match? Will they call the other person a hypocrite when they meet? Can they co-exist?
Can she honestly be both? Not just on different days, but at the same time? What triggers the personality to surface? The audience, her mood, her mindset, the weather? Which is me today?

I realize A is here when I’m being her, or find out that B was there in retrospect. It’s not a choice of deciding who to be. There are some days when I can be A one minute, and B the other. There are some days that I enjoy having both show up to converse with each other at the same time. There are some days I find it hard to handle them both. And there are some days I find myself in an identity crisis. I know I may sound confused to some- but I’m not. Really.

Although I’m finding harder and harder to define me… My assessment is that I am a growing product of God and life. Thankfully, the latter is but a tool of what He uses to make me into Who He wants me to be. Till He leads me there, praying that I’ll enjoy being A, B, C, D and more!

Travelogue- Beijing

Next to Singapore, Beijing must be the next city in the world that I had spent most of my humble existence thus far in.

The city has changed much since I first set foot there- like the better traffic, clearer skies, more developed train system, new buildings, etc. But the underlying heartbeat and veins of the city remains the same. It’s like meeting an old friend with a makeover- you need some time to get used to the new look for a while, but deep inside the person has not changed. And how you feel towards that old friend has not changed also.

It’s pretty surreal to be walking along the same street, now lined with new buildings, but still feeling exactly the same. Returning to the same restaurants and eating the same food. Going back to church- meeting people who are still there, and missing those who also left while we’re gone. Being back at the apartment that holds so many memories for us- of our dating days, of our dear friends. It’s like catching up.

And even more surreal the familiar questions that used to haunt you, still haunts you the same.

I think it’s being out of the daily routine and oppression of “what has to be done” and being alone, that forces you to stare hard into the mirror, and ask questions that “has to be asked”- if you do not want to wake up when you’re fifty and wonder what it is you have done with your life. This is gonna be my excuse to get away at least once a year. :) It’s not as if the questions do not arise when you’re at home. But knowing that the same answers do not come out of dread and dis-satisfaction, affirms the pursuit of passion rather than settling for a solution.

Having time by ourselves in a little apartment has been fun fun. Eating junk, whenever and whatever. Twelve Magnums over 3 weeks, excluding all the Dairy Queens out. Watching House anytime- finished 1.5 Seasons and I’m so hooked on him.. Hugh Laurie is my next hero. Cooking haphazardly- just fishing things out from the fridge and trying to make a decent meal out of them. But this had better be a holiday schedule, than a glimpse of what our life of two would be like in the future!

We haven’t been very conscientious with taking pictures. *Sorry* The only pictures we have would probably be those that Susan took for her farewell, and a few taken at the Bird’s Nest. But I’m pretty sure we’ll do a lot better in the States. :) :) Yeapz- will be off again from mid July.. Yay!!

Let’s hope my next entry wont be another travelogue.

And Kris won :)

There has been lots of mixed reactions to Kris's victory in American Idol, and lots of articles explaining why he won. I'm not gonna bore you with another one on that. But i just want to say that Adam is the stronger one vocally, he put up a better show in the finals too, and he definitely deserves to win... But grace won the day :) Not just the choice of America, but God's sovereign choice of allowing this underdog to win...

He didnt explode into tears when he was announced as the winner, neither did he react too strongly.. and i doubt he would make more news & sensation than Adam would in the days to come... But the final scene when he squeezed his wife so tightly when she joined him on stage, and hid his head in her arms... it says it all... disbelief and yet exhilaration to get something he didnt deserve nor expect he would- not something that he could ever express with words. What do you say to grace? What would be sufficient response?

Idol Fever!

Predictably, i'm swept into the latest season of American Idol again... But it's been a while since i followed a season so closely from its Top 12, and reasons for that? Other than Simon Cowell of course.. the Top 3 this season. They are undoubtedly one of the best yet ever in the Idol history.

There is Adam Lambert who is outrageous and very fun to watch. He's such a performer and very very entertaining.
There is Danny Gokey who also has great vocals too. And the amazing thing is that he had to learn all the songs from scratch coz he's never heard them before since all the albums he has at home are Christian albums..
But my number one reason yet is Kris Allen.. Ok so he's the cutest, but he's really really creative. He doesnt have the best vocals, but man, he sings songs that i would buy! And to celebrate his presence in the Finals (YAY!!!!!!!!), here are three of his favourite songs that i've heard shamelessly countless of times on Youtube :p Sorry that the videos are really boring, but they make good tracks to just listen to..

To make you feel my love - nothing better to put you in a lazy romantic mood.. (updated, realized it was a repeat of Falling Slowly previously, sorry!!)


Somewhere over the rainbow – Kris on his ukulele. I love the arrangement!


Falling Slowly - better than the original, it's true!


i need some distraction in midst of my high stress now ok... :p

Radio love affair

There is something special about listening to the radio. On days when you just want to drive to music, the commercials and deejay banters can be very annoying. Not to mention the alternative tastes of some deejays, who play music that I can barely stand for 10 seconds. Which is why the CD players in the car are one of my favourite and most important gadgets in life- they let me listen to the music I want to when I’m driving.

I also make it a personal priority to regularly change the CDs in the car player. To recycle the 10 CDs Player 2 can hold, and make sure that all my CDs get their fair share of play time. To carefully alternate secular and Christian albums, so that a track that might fit my mood at that time would just be one album a way. And when I got new CDs, to ensure that they remain in the car until every single track gets their debut in the priority CD Player 1.

So for a very long time, radio has just been about 93.8 and BBC for me- business news, world news, traffic news, sports news, etc. The teenage me would have never thought there would be such a day. When dad and mum were driving me around then, this backseat passenger would always insist on switching to radio channels whenever a deejay started talking. Oh and she would kick a tantrum if she had to, when dad and mum wanted to listen to the latest news on 95.8.
Back to what I was saying… So radio= news and talk talk talk for me now. When I want music, I just switch to the CD player.

But over the long weekend, I was made to fall in love with music on the radio all over again. Class 95’s Music Marathon the culprit, and I the helpless victim. 95 minutes worth of non-stop music was playing.

“Oh I haven heard this song for so long,” commented Arthur, and he turned up the volume.
“This is a great song!” Two songs later, and it was very affirming to know that we stayed on the right frequency.
“Hmm.. this sounds like Britney Spears.” “No, her voice is higher. I think its Lady Gaga.” “Maybe it is.” And a conversation about Britney, and how quickly she “cleaned up” followed.

The radio brings you surprises- I was reminded after the drive.
It is able to make you break into a bright smile when you like the song that is being played.
It introduces you to songs that you would otherwise have not heard before. Sometimes you fall in love with them, and you try hard to remember a phrase and you-tube it later.
It makes you frown when the deejay did not repeat the song title again!
When the deejay mentions that a song you like is coming up, you would stay on, bear with the 1001 commercials, and feel that satisfaction come over you when you survived the agony of waiting for that song….
And oh… the nostalgia it stirs up when it reminds you of your history. Music Marathon kept me company when I was on my study marathons during the school days.

The radio makes me smile. It makes me feel a myriad of emotions that I can never engage with the CD player. Because on the CD Player, I know exactly what the next track is coming up. And because I know exactly what I am going to get, and I make special plans to ensure that I get what I want to listen to… It just brings me the satisfaction of getting what I want, and there is no additional kick of being surprised.

It does not take very much psycho-analyzing to see that perhaps “I like surprises” is the logical conclusion here for this radio love affair. Though I must say- that is not entirely true all the time… But that is for another day. Meanwhile, let me just relish the romance of the radio.

“When I was young I listened to the radio, playing all my favourite songs.. When they played I sing a long it made me smile…”

Social Disgrace

I should not be complaining, I really should not. I am sure I had been guilty of these things too, so who am I to rant about their pettiness and point of view. But on a day like this, just let me get these things out of my chest ok? Hehe…

Is your driver the one making you late? There are 1001 things that can possibly go wrong from the time you step out of the house. Sometimes it is forces of nature that is having fun, and the outcome is completely beyond the control of your driver- who has to endure the pain of driving mind you. Why should one vent his/her frustration on the driver when an accident is the cause of the traffic coming to a standstill? A beautiful picture of the cosmos interacting with one another, where the actions of one can affect another's life.

I understand the psychological need to blame someone for something. I understand the burning that goes on inside, when one is going to be late for something that matters. I understand the need for an outlet for the discomfort inside. But i guess the understanding does not remove a person's need to vent.

And I recall a small school girl getting out of mummy’s car with a face black as charcoal. She slams the door without saying bye or thank you, because she is late for school and will have to face the music from the teacher. This ungrateful little brat, hopefully she has grown since then- or at least hopefully from now having had a taste of her own medicine.

***

And then on the radio, they were talking about service staff learning English. People complaining because the service staff could not speak or understand English. From a business and consumer point of view, I can totally understand the frustration and the need. But it is the attitude with which all the discussion is going on that is pxxxing me off.

You expect people to speak your language and understand you. But why don you ever consider learning to speak their language? Do not use economic reasons to justify your attitude. Sure you are the customer, then blame the boss for not being willing to pay higher wages for language abilities! Do not take it out on the poor service staff. Do not think that they are not as smart or are beneath you, just because they do not speak English- if they never had the chance to learn, how is it their fault?

How did people cross language and cultural barriers in the past? Because there is a need or desire to communicate with the other party, people learn the language. Let them learn it because they have decided they need to or want to, but don discriminate against them because they don speak your language. Is your burger more important than some social grace and the dignity of another person? If you cannot get what you want, try another method, try another line, try something else. Isn't anger a little over-reacting, esp since you already know that she cant speak your language.

Imagine visiting another country and you face communication problems, slowly and gradually you will pick up a word or two. And imagine moonlighting as a waitress during your school exchange years, surely you would like some grace from your customers and captains, won’t you?

Peter's Chronicle..

Peter walked through Narnia in midst of all the preparations with a sense of nostalgia. Each year they would celebrate Aslan’s victory over the White Witch on the stone table. But somehow this year, he felt a little detached. As he wandered through the forest aimlessly, he tried to rationalize his sense of detachment.

Maybe it was because Edmund and Lucy are in-charge of this year’s celebrations. Not being involved with the preparations definitely meant that he had not given the occasion much thought prior to this. But this wasn’t the first year that he had entrusted the feast to someone else. He remembered clearly the year the Mr and Mrs Beaver were in charge, he felt a tingle of excitement even when shelling the nuts.

Maybe Susan’s absence in Narnia is felt more strongly during festivities. There was a time when the pain was more acute, he distinctly remembers. Over the years he got accustomed to her absence, and this year, he did not even send her the invitation knowing that she would miss it any way.

Maybe it is not detachment but fatigue. He had been looking forward to this weekend because Edmund and Lucy were in charge. After a long week fighting battles in the world beyond the lamp post, he could retreat to Narnia this weekend to rest. He did not have to worry about managing the affairs of the kingdom- at least not this week. All the riding back and forth had tired him out completely, age was really catching up on him.

Or maybe it is because Aslan had been away for far too long, and he had forgotten what it feels like to be around the great Lion. But deep in his gut he knew this was not true.
Lucy never once lost the spark in her eye, all these years when thinking about Aslan. And Edmund seemed to be growing out of his embarrassment of being a Turkish delight glutton very nicely, as he learnt more and more about the secrets of the kingdom. The King Lion was around them as often as He was around him… the variable was not Aslan.

Aslan. Aslan, the King of Narnia who appeared wherever and whenever He wishes. Aslan, whose whereabouts is never known and his paths never to be traced. Peter traced the steps of his last walk with the Lion on the golden shore. Reaching the waters, Peter stared into the horizon. He wondered if his Friend would be at the celebrations this year.

Susan's Chronicle..

In the midst of all the hurry flurry in her day, she heard something. She dropped her pen and tried to listen out for it again. The sound was so familiar and yet distant at the same time. She heard it before, she was sure about that.

If she was not wrong, it was the same sound she heard many times before. But each time, the sound seemed to be more faint than the last time she heard it. And the frequency with which it returns seems to be decreasing. She tried listening out for it again.

A roar so regal, and lonely. The pain in the roar was unmistakable, but yet more distinct still was the resolve in it. A roar that sounded deceptively victimized. It was not a roar of defeat, but a roar that struck fear in his attacker. A roar that came from a friend, a familiar friend.

The stone table, the White Witch, Narnia, Aslan… It was all coming back to her now. Aslan, she remembered. Aslan, the lion King of Narnia. Aslan, her friend. Narnia, a place where it was once home…

“Susan! I want the report on my table in the next hour!”

The silence of the roar was broken. The roar was no more. She shook her head and chided herself for wasting time listening to something that was nothing more than her imagination. She picked up her pen and hurried to finish her report. Deadlines are real, her boss is real, the instructions are real. The roar, the cry, Aslan and Narnia don’t exist, do they?