It’s a lazy quiet Saturday afternoon. I would pretend that I’m carrying on a conversation with an old friend about my married life so far. It’s funny to be writing about this today, 3 years since the day we started dating- but I guess it makes looking back on the journey that we’ve travelled together thus far more romantic. :)
Before we started dating, Arthur said “As a man, I want to be able to give my wife the freedom to do whatever she wants. I want to provide the environment so that she can thrive and be who God intends her to be.” That left an impression, and at that time, I remember thinking to myself- “Your wife would be such a lucky woman to have that freedom. If I have that freedom as a woman, I would love to stay home and be with my husband and children. And isn’t it wonderful that my desires do not conflict with the ‘biblical’ perspective of mothers and married women.”
Arthur spoke more than he knew. Although Arthur probably feels like he failed me on this front by our current circumstances, but God had done so much more to fulfill his intention than he thought he did. He has given me so much freedom to discover myself, to know myself deeper, to (painfully) question what I would really do if I could do whatever I want- instead of preconceived notions that I had built up in the past. My self perception of marriage, being a married woman and a mother has been challenged over and over again.
I began to realize that though I would be content with my husband’s praise and being involved in church, I like being able to contribute and be valued professionally as well. I am still trying to work out whether or not that is legitimate- but I must admit that I enjoy working more than I thought I did. Staying home to bring up our children would still be a sacrifice I’d make, but I would definitely need to be involved in something else to satisfy that “professional me”.
Marriage has also teased out this restless soul of mine, and be the fuel to my flickering desire to live life fully and pursue passion- instead of giving way to safe options and weighty considerations. Having a companion to encourage me, and be there to try out the different options/ routes with me- makes the destination less important than the journey itself. It doesn’t matter as long as we’ve tried our best in all wisdom, and even if it fails, we would have lived to learn for another day.
The start of our second year of marriage had been a little more challenging than the first. It’s been a trying time on Arthur- as he is confronted with some of his weaknesses, and his frustration with his present work situation and the lack of a future direction. Thankfully he has emerged with a desire to return to the States, and pursue a graduate degree or job of his passion. God willing, we’re hoping to go to the States some time mid 2010.
I would so hate if he had lived the life he always described he would lead- “to find a job that pays well but that he doesn’t like as much so that he can provide for the family”. I am thankful that God has led him out of this crazy idea this quick!
Being single, I had thought of marriage as a destination. But I now know better that it truly is the beginning of another journey. It’s tempting to travel towards the destination of being married, but even after marriage, you will realize that you’re still you. You will need to know how you’d be travelling together with your partner, where would you be travelling toward, and who you’ll be journeying for.
Our marriage is not a conventional one by Singaporean standards- no HDB, no 5 year plans, no stable job. Serene applauded my courage.. It’s not easy and some days are harder than the others I’d admit. But it truly is not that tough honestly, and I cannot imagine travelling otherwise… Especially if you know that you’re living through experiences that He will use to bless others in the future, I would not trade it for anything else in the world... I draw strength from the knowledge that He has led many of His servants on that path as well.
“… And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him… All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them”
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