Price Caspian & The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I’ve been delightfully wrapped up in the world of Narnia, as I read the C.S Lewis classic to Mya and Elliot. Maybe it’s reading aloud, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I know the Bible better; the chronicles have become all the more precious, rich, layered and haunting at the same time. The stories hearken truths in the Scripture,  the words serve their purpose in the book but also point us to the meta reality – beyond Narnia, beyond England, beyond the reader’s world to the heavenly city in Aslan’s country. 

Just as Aslan said to Edmund at the end of “The Voyager of the Dawn Treader” - “This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.” Lewis has accomplished this purpose in spades. 

***

Here are 2 of my favorite moments in Price Caspian. 

“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger".

"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

Lucy has in fact grown bigger. Yet in God’s grace, Aslan seemed so much bigger. Aslan is the same, but Lucy now has clearer eyes to see. For as a child, we see as a child. The same could not be said for Peter, Susan and Edmund; who did not see Aslan initially. There were blinders in their eyes. The effect of age for one, grew eyes of faith to see how much greater God truly is; and yet for another, caused blindness and failure to see Him for who He truly is.

May I find you bigger with each year I grow Lord, and have eyes to see You for who You are.

**

“Hush!” said the other four, for now Aslan had stopped and turned and stood facing them, looking so majestic that they felt as glad as anyone can who feels afraid, and as afraid as anyone can who feels glad. … Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, “Susan…. You have listened to fears, child,: said Asland. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them Are you brave again?”

“And now, where is this little Dwarf, this famous swordsman and archer, who doesn’t believe in lions?” .. Aslan pounced. Have you ever seen a young kitten being carried in the mother cat’s mouth?

The dwarf flew up in the air. He was as safe as if he had been in bed, though he did not feel so. As he came down, the huge velvety paws caught him as gently as a mother's arms, and set him -- right way up, too -- on the ground.
"Son of Earth, shall we be friends?" asked Aslan.
"Ye-- uh, Yes," panted the dwarf, for he had not yet got his breath back.”

Susan throughout their journey to Aslan’s How refused to believe Aslan was with them and guiding them. She insisted on following her instincts and conventional wisdom, throwing shade on Lucy many a times. Trumpkin the Dwarf on the other hand, did not and refused to believe that Aslan is real and exists. Towards both, I shook my head many a times – “wait till you finally see Aslan! You will have your reckoning!”

Aslan’s reaction caught me offguard. And once again I was humbled and broken by grace. Aslan did not call them to account, not a chiding remark, not a single word about how wrong they have been. He just embraced them, helped them move past themselves towards a restored relationship with him. How foreign grace is to those who want justice, how little did I understand grace. Is He really that good?

 

***

I have been surprised how The Voyage of the Dawn Treader has captured my heart and imagination so deeply. Watching the motion movie for the first time might have something to do with it. But I think it’s because life is more like a journey with many twists and turns, ups and downs; than having everything lead up to that one epic confrontation or climactic battle. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader's pacing might be atypical and odd at first read, but then you find yourself reliving the journey many times after you close the book.  

**

“But who is Aslan? Do you know him?"
"Well-he knows me," said Edmund. "He is the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea, who saved me and saved Narnia.” …

“Then the lion said – but I don't know if it spoke – You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep and I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”

What a profound picture of the process of sanctification. Eustace became a dragon after having dragonish thoughts over treasure, he became what his heart treasured and he could not “un-dragon” himself. It is him surrendering to Aslan, letting Aslan do his work on him, that his scales were finally peeled away. And so it is for us - that Jesus has to come and peel away the idols that has enslaved us.

**

“Where sky and water meet. Where the waves grow sweet. Doubt not, Reepicheep, to find all you seek, there is the utter east.” …

“This,” said Reepicheep, “is where I go on alone.”.. Then he took off his sword (“I shall need it no more, “ he said) and flung it far away across the lilied sea…. Then he bade them goodbye, trying to be sad for their sakes; but he was quivering with happiness.

Throughout the voyage, Reepicheep had one goal – to go to Aslan’s country. He thought of it night and day, he sang of it, he would not be deterred even if he had to paddle and go on alone in his little coracle. All he wanted to do was to go to Aslan’s country. Oh, the joy he had when he finally found it! He threw off his trusty sword that accompanied him on many battles, despite the “unknown territory”, for he knew there was no more fighting in Aslan’s country. As much as he loved his friends, he was ready to leave them all behind; for all his life’s longing is now to be fulfilled before him.

I must confess that I’ve had many thoughts about what it would be like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death – there is some fear and trepidation and unshakable dread. On good days, the hope and joy of heaven and seeing Jesus helps lift the dark clouds away. But this noble little mouse, this little mouse with a lion’s heart, has challenged my love and longing for heaven. Perhaps, if my life’s goal and true longing is to go to be place where Jesus has prepared for us; perhaps, I might quiver with happiness as I take my final breath.  

***

Most people who know me, know that I love happy endings. But it's not just about happy endings, it is about certain, definite, sure, happy endings. When Aslan appears, the fight is over. There is certain victory. Light will triumph, darkness does not stand a chance. There is no faltering with my Hero from Heaven, He has won decisively and triumphantly. So why not happy endings?  

Happy Birthday Elliot!

 

Dearest Elliot, 

Happy birthday! How is it that you are 5 already? What a fun day we've had with friends dropping by for a quick visit, just to celebrate you. We hope you know how blessed you are by God, the friends He has given you is just a small glimpse of that. 

You have grown in so many ways this past year. Learning to sound out letters, ride your bike and scooter, roller blade, swim, memorize verses, use the Ipad (that did not take long) and more. 

It makes me smile to see you enjoying books - My Father's Dragon, Mr Popper's Penguin, The Wild Robot and the many superhero books from the library; your superhero knowledge vault has quadrupled in size this year! I love that you share some of my favorite foods - pandan cake, orh-nee pancake and squid, to name a few. It tickles me that you cannot stop trying long words like "Anti-disestablishmentarianism" (this is probably the first time i've ever typed the word), supercalifragilisticexpelidocious, Tiki-tiki-tambo-no-sar-rambo-chari-bari-ruchee-pik-peri-pambo. I love to see you at ninja class, battle with Daddy, batting balls in the playroom and running laps around the kitchen. It makes me so proud to hear you talking to your teachers, friends, doctors, adults, anyone really. I love how you play with Mya - in fair weather, rain or snow, dance to Dyanamite and Imitator Tots. It's cute how taken you are with Reepicheep. I love your cheeky grin, smile and spirit. I love you!

And it is in love, that I hope and pray. That God will choose you, save you, justify you, sanctify you and use you. That God will make you know Him, love Him, fear Him, serve Him and enjoy Him. That God will bless you with wisdom and many talents, to be His light and hands and feet in this world, serving others. That God will mold you in His likeness, and be a man of integrity and noble character. That God will give you a love for His Word, that you will meditate on it day and night, and be like the tree planted by streams of water, yielding fruit for the Lord in season. That He will keep you from evil and harm (Psalm 1). For this year specifically, I pray that God will give self control - over your anger and tame the tiger that is crouching at the door by His strength; over your desire for screen time and discover the world He has given you; and over your physical impulses.

You have also grown me and are growing me in many ways. To not sweat the scribbles on the wall, not blink twice at the messes and not balk at the food, mud, clothes, soap or what-have-you trails that you leave behind; yet, how do I train you to be responsible? To find beauty in the blue tornados you draw. To trust God when you fall, fracture your pinky or need stitches on your chin; I'm still trying to learn how to raise a boy to be wild and safe. To get to know your quirks and triggers for you are uniquely made - when you are not saying what you would do; I can't discipline you like i discipline Mya can I? To stop working and spend time with you, for these moments do not last forever. You show me every day God's steadfast love, and grow me every day as I think about our Father's love for us. 

I am humbled that God would entrust you with Daddy and me. I cannot wait to see the many ways God will grow you and me this coming year. I love you, son. Happy 5th birthday! 

2020 Thanksgiving Diary (I)

 "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

As I picture entering God’s gates with the “battle scars” from this year of Covid, I am thankful for the refining that He has done this year – not just to me, but for the world. Generations come and go, but He alone is forever; His goodness, His love and His faithfulness. He deserves all thanks, praise and honor; not for the deliverance and gifts He will provide, but because He is worthy. This post will get too long if I list all the ways I am thankful, but I will attempt to gather the threads that I think He is weaving in this little life of mine this year and my hopes for the next.

Arthur and Marriage

The year started with a health scare that had Arthur having to get an MRI on his brain. Even though there were no symptoms that warranted fretting over, the optometrist’s concerns were enough to drive me to plead God for more time with Arthur. And then Covid struck, my prayers for more time were answered in an unexpected way. More meals together, time to workout in the morning together, more relentless days juggling kids and work together, more tough conversations; I’ve loved every moment of it. I am so very thankful for this man who turned 40 this year, and pray that we will get to spend the next 40 years or more growing together.

There are 2 thorns in this bed of roses that I hope to work on next year as a wife.

I was asked recently how a decision of mine would impact Arthur and his calling. I have not thought about my role in his calling in a long time, and this was a good wake-up call for me. I think this is why our tag-teaming partnership has felt a tat lackluster. I want to spend less energy figuring out our schedules to give each other time and space to work, and more time praying for and helping with Arthur’s calling.

It was difficult to hear when Arthur shared that he is wary about sharing some spiritual things with me, because of how this contrarian wife would respond. Even though she has come a long way from giving too many "constructive criticisms" on his sermons too quickly, and "crying foul" about him wanting to hold back; I want to prove with time and gentleness, that my heart can sing with his on the things that he hold so dear.   

Kids and Motherhood

The parenthood train keeps moving forward and it feels like we are at a new station. Mya’s silent treatment (I’ll pretend not to hear you by not responding), logical deduction (“why do I have to listen to you?”, “seriously?!!”), eye rolls and passionate cries for justice (“it’s not fair!”), is reminiscent of my youthful antics; but isn’t this a little early? Like she is me from yesteryear, I am my mother then. Homework sagas, yelling, nagging, impatient, comparing her with others – God help me please! As for Elliot, the tiger within still needs more taming and the bitter juice of shame extracting. So many times this year, it feels like I’ve come to the end of myself and all I can do is get on my knees.

Still, I am thankful to be their mama and grateful for every day with them. The hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs, cries and tantrums, the throw-ups, home-made videos, card/magic tricks, jokes, battles, pranks, games; the way they take on a new challenge, language, experience or sport; the deeper questions they are asking. I am thankful for the many ways they have inspired me, challenged me to grow and gifted me with the colors they add to each day.

Lord, please help me treasure these days. To not be in a hurry to move out of this station, but to lean into all the lessons that this stop has to offer. To fix my eyes on you and not on others, to not make comparisons and lose patience. Please use me to nurture these seedlings, so that they can bloom and thrive for your glory.

To be continued…

Happy Birthday Honey!

Dearest Arthur, 

Happy 40th Birthday! 

I am so very blessed to be yours. 

You are my best friend, lover, counselor, advocate, encourager and inspiration. You are evidence of His love to me, you shine His light on me, you bring His Word to me, you sharpen me to be more like Him and you love me like Christ wants you to. 

Even though you are endowed with all the gifts to be in the limelight, you are always content to stay in the shadows. You desire that Christ shall be greater and you be lesser. You want to live a peaceful and quiet life, for your greatest life work to have been faithfully loving Him. Thank you for being a servant-hearted leader. 

You serve me and the kids so selflessly. Maybe I have your "OCD" and perfectionist-tendencies to thank. :) But thank you for always doing the dishes - even though i give you a hard time for doing them too quickly. Thank you for always tidyng the house. More importantly, for giving me all the time and space to flourish. For parenting the Mya and Elliot with me - you bring them so much joy, laughter, fun; and also safety, discipline and instruction. I love the husband and father you are. 

Your weaknesses are many, as are mine. Yet they help me be thankful - that you the happy loner would choose to marry me, that you the responsible vagabond would choose to settle down, that you pursue purity, that you would sometimes lay your Self down. 

I am acutely aware of the short time that we have here, thank you for spending the last fourteen years with me. On your fortieth birthday, I pray that God will let me spend at least another forty years with you here, and then in eternity. I love you so much! 

Hoping you'll be blessed by the walk down memory lane here -https://www.kudoboard.com/boards/wFfLJjaP

Color

I thought I might escape unscathed

From the virus and the prejudice

I live a Democratic state I surmised

Among the learned liberals who will not bat an eye

To my color.

And then it happened along the frozen aisle

He saw me come and said “You stay away!”

Like I was the plague that passed him by

He turned to face the freezers and shook his head

At this person of color.

It is on them, I shall not be mad

I will take the high ground and not react

I barely settled in the car when I felt a knife twist in my heart

He left more than a scare on me

And how I wear my color.

This is nothing compared to the headlines

He was beaten by the police

He was shot unjustly

He was accused and molested via a body search

Because of his color.

This is nothing compared to history

They had to sit behind on the bus

They had to use different bathrooms

They could not eat at the same restaurant

For they had a different color.

Yet we still do it to one another, color to color

One might be a victim and to another a perpetrator

A stare, a snub, a step aside

Words, violence, genocide

Reactions to colors.

Lord haste the day when You will come

When we shall all be as one

When we will see each other through your eyes

Beautiful, dignified, treasured

Because of Christ.

Covid-19

When 2020 dawned, there was much optimism as the world turned the page into a new decade. The stock markets were riding a 10-year bull and it seemed almost invincible. We were all so confident about the future, the dreams and projects we planned. And in dramatic fashion, it all came crashing down.

As thick dark clouds continue to shroud the sun and loom on the horizon, this eternal optimist finds their silver lining in her little piece of the sky.

Life matters, living matters. Debates on abortions, guns and euthanasia tend to dominate political debates and headlines, especially during the US elections. “I will do what I want with my life, my body and my possessions, and that is my right.” And these topics divide – families and neighbors. Yet in the face of Covid-19, we all agree that we want the death rates to drop. We practice social distance, for ourselves and our neighbors. We want to live, and not succumb to the virus. Let us agree that we are more united in our view that life is sacred, than our choices. Let us see that we are willing to do more that we thought we would, to preserve the life of others. Let us remember this as we move forward, and not forget. “So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them… God saw all that He had made, and it was very good.” Gen 1:27, 31

Death and disease know no master. Nor fame, nor power, nor riches, nor country, nor race; and they are our common enemy. Even though each country is fighting the battle within their borders, and there may have been some finger pointing, there is a sense that the world is united in fighting the corona virus together. This is no longer a battle that they are fighting, we are all in this together. We all see that death is the great equalizer, that the rich and famous are not immune. Leaders may rewrite constitutions to secure their reign forever, or boast that they are immutable; yet they are helpless when the corona virus ravage their nation. When things are going well and we are happy on our own merry way, we forget that being able to take a full breath is grace. May we be humbled, and know in our hearts, that we are not in control. We can only strive to be the best stewards we can be, with what we have been given.  And if a mortal might so be chosen to be clothed with immortality, to hold fast the belief that “death has been swallowed up in victory”. I Cor 15:54

There is no judgement in fear, but there is hope in “one for the other”. Stockpiling in Singapore first drew chiding from the ministers, that the behavior was “Sia-suay” (disgraceful) and reminiscent of “third world behavior in a first world country”. There was no such social commentary in the States. I surmise that this is due to the collectivistic Asian society, where the greater public good is more important than one’s personal good. I am proud of my little nation – not just her efforts to curtail the spread, but also her desire to handle adversity with grace. More still, I hope that this grace extends in social media. Commentary on how nations are handling the situation are unhelpful, we are all trying. We are all afraid, yes. But let’s help each other be wise and informed, and not breed paranoia.

Be thankful, for the much that we have been given and for our loved ones. In my own little life, I wanted more – a new laptop, more money, better prospects and a growing portfolio. Nothing like the crowned virus to put things in perspective. In a climate where children might go hungry because school is out, employees are laid off because stores are shut, and we cannot even give hugs to comfort others… I am thankful for the work I have and still be able to provide for my family. I am thankful that I have my husband in my arms and kids on my lap. I am thankful that the family in Singapore and the US are still healthy to-date. I am thankful for my church family. I am thankful for technology to stay connected. I am thankful that God has me where I am. I am thankful, period. Lord, help me remember and keep my contentment in check, always.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands for us – yes, establish the work of our hands.” ~ Psalm 90:12-17

Colors of the wind

As with most things, I’m often late to the game. Late to catch the joke, late to the reckoning, and late to feeling something.

A few weeks ago, there I was late to the farewell party. The party were sharing stories about horrible summer jobs and trading laughs. I enjoyed the tales and the food, happy not to be called upon. I think. And then D walked into the room, also late to the party. Soon after, M filled him in on the conversation topic and G asked him to contribute.

The conversation then turned into donkey meat. G thought it was a famous Korean delicacy. H, a Korean, said no – it’s likely the Chinese. “Korean, Chinese, they’re all about the same. You Asians look alike.”
I looked at he whom I considered a friend at work, “Did you seriously just say that?”
“I don’t mean to be racist, but can you tell apart Japanese, Korean and Chinese?”

This exchange inevitably threw shade on my first experience. Was I a fly on the wall? Did I exist? Am I my own person?

***

In light of what we celebrated on MLK day last month, it stung. It’s been hard being an Asian woman at work recently. So often I am the only woman in the room, the only Asian in the room, the only Asian woman at the table. On most days, I like to “be a big girl” and not “sweat the small stuff”. But it makes me sad that I cannot see a different future. How can I educate the privileged about their blind spots? How can I address this without coming across as being petty or playing the victim card? What is the Christian response to this?

Even though I shared with the kids about how MLK changed the world, and how fortunate we are to be living at this time; the feeling that the same problems still exists, nagged at me. It was there between the Jews and the Gentiles, the slaves and the masters. It was there between men and women, black and white. It is still here today. We can push the envelope with a female Santa, Captain Marvel, Black Panther and Fresh off the Boat. Yet the conversation continues.

Some say keeping the conversation going is the point. But doesn’t the need for conversation mean that the matter is not resolved? I’m not saying to stop talking about it, but I want to move past that. I don’t want to fight for my rights. I don’t want to prove my worth twice as hard. I don't want to hear snide remarks when I'm working from home so I can go to my children's class parties.

I want to see differences acknowledged and celebrated. I want to see everyone treated fairly and given equal chances (and pay checks for that matter). I want to see that a black sheep does not make the whole herd grey. I want to see women helping one another, and not tearing each other down.

***

God saw Hagar, God grafted Ruth into the Messiah’s family tree, Esther saved the entire nation, Jesus sought out the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha. And God grafted me, the foreign woman, in. There is hope yet. Perhaps not fully in this world, but in the one to come. And may God help me remember, at times when I’m on the other side.

4 days on my own

Arthur was in Kansas City last week for 4 days, and I nearly lost my mind. 4 days trying to juggle the kids and work, I became the mean witch so far from Mary Poppins.

Did I raise my voice and practically yelled at them? Check.

Did I say things I wish I didn’t? Yup.

Did I put them in front of a TV show more than I should have? Guilty.

Did I busy cleaning around the house instead of spending time with them? Uh-huh.

I felt like an utter failure. For not being able to enjoy my kids as much as I should have. For not being as patient with them as I should have. For saying the things I never wanted to say to them. For speaking in a volume I never wanted to speak to them in. For being a simmering volcano, with one too many eruptions. I was practically a high strung nut case. Feeling behind at work, feeling behind in parenting, feeling behind in home-making. Feeling behind in practically everything.

That is not to say the kids were innocent white doves while I went bersek. They were sinful children all right – testing their limits, procrastinating, lounging, talking back, being defiant, wanting to be the parent, all of the above. My sin does not absolve theirs, and their sin does not absolve mine. Oh, how long suffering and compassionate our Father in Heaven.

I always say that the stay-at-home-parent’s job is the hardest in the world. I knew it then, I know it now. My hats off to all you stay-at-home parents and all the single parents. I cannot do what you do. And God knew.

I am so thankful being a working mom, and so thankful to Arthur for being the one who juggles the demands of work and kids every single day. Thankful that my children forgive my failings and bear it like no one could; thankful knowing that I’m a sinful mother in need of as much grace as my little ones do.

I’m gonna do this again. Watch them on my own while Arthur is away. Lose my mind and fail again. But, I will rise to the challenge, I will. One day at a time. One ball at a time. One crumb at a time. One breath at a time. One mistake at a time. Holding on to each time I notice Him showing up in a very tangible way. And I know His grace will be sufficient, for us all.  

First day of school

This is a week of a few significant first’s. Elliot’s off to pre-school at Atonement and Mya’s off to Kindergarten at Countryside. And she is riding the yellow school bus.

It’s another big stride that these little ducklings are taking out of the nest.

It’s prying open another finger on my attempt to hold on to them for as long as I can.

It’s another reminder that parenthood is one giant exercise of teaching them how to fly away.

Maybe home schooling is a better idea than I thought. How can I slow down time so they can be little, a little longer? I remember Michael Card sharing that he enjoyed his kids growing up, as they are able to have deeper conversations. I am sure I will too, but I miss each stage that has passed and enjoy the present stage so very much. I wish there was a way to revisit "the kid" at each age and hold them in my arms, altogether, forever.

How does God know all of history, see who we were, are and will be? How does He hold all of that in His heart? How do we grow in His eyes?

Dear Elliot, I love you so very much. These days, you like to kiss my hand and ask me, “mummy, do you know why I kiss you?” Of course I know why, but I like hearing you say, “because I love you.” Because I love you! Very very very much.

You’re always so chill going into a new classroom, thank you for making it easy for us. I pray that your teachers and friends will enjoy you so very much. I pray that your smile will always light up their day, just as it does for mine. I pray that you will learn about Jesus and know Him better, He is the point of every story. I pray that you will use your stubbornness and strength for good, that you will fight evil inside and around you. I pray that you will be bold and brave, and be the little lion cub and man that He has made you to be. I love you!

Dear Mya, my precious daughter, I am so blessed that you’re mine. You are taking in what you see in the world, and your little mind churning. I pray that you will never stop asking questions and never cease to wonder, pause and smell the roses.

You asked the other day about the homeless man walking near the highway, you asked about the girls who were “old enough” at the yogurt shop by themselves. A boy kissed you at camp, girls tried to trap you at the gym, and another girl asked if you have a boyfriend. You asked, what is a boyfriend and what job you will do in the future. You see other kids having phones and wondered when you’ll have one. The world is happening so very fast around you, there is so much going inside of you.

My sweetie pie, I pray that God will give Daddy and me wisdom on how to nurture you. I pray you will feel safe with us and come to us with any question. I pray that you will be a light for Jesus wherever you go. I pray that you will know and love Him deeper each day. I pray that you will use your sharp mind for His good, that you will be kind and compassionate, brave and strong. I pray that He will protect you and surround you with godly friends, and rule as the Princess of the Most High. I love you!  

Elliot cried

Elliot likes the story of the Pharaoh from the Big Picture Story Book Bible a lot. He thinks that Pharaoh has a horn (it was a goatee), he likes to hear Moses tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go!". Then he likes to reply on Pharaoh's behalf "No!", and he likes to see the pictures of the 10 plagues.

Tonight, I read the story, just like many other nights. And when we got to the 10th plague, he asked about the boy who was lying down. I explained that God struck down the firstborn son of families, who did not have the blood of the lamb on the doorpost. Firstborn sons like himself.

It seemed to hit him for the first time. "I don't want to die", he cried. "Then you won't see me any more!" His sobs got stronger and stronger. My precious 3 year old, wrapping his head and his heart around death. Elliot cried. Big, profound tears.

What followed was one of my favorite things about parenting. Telling him that the lamb died, so that the firstborn son did not have to. That even though many boys did, many did not. Jesus is that lamb for us, so we do not have to die forever. That if we obeyed God and trusted His Word, He made a way.

And then Elliot wanted me to sing "Jesus love is very wonderful". His sobs became whimpers and he drifted off to sleep.

"Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, Jesus love is very wonderful, O wonderful Love. So high, you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide, you can't get around it. O wonderful Love".

Happy Good Friday!

Why is this day different from any other day? This is the day we remember THE DAY, alongside a few others, that made all other days matter. And so this day Lord, help me remember You.

The spiritual lesson that I’m still processing relates to the phone scam that I was involved in last week, 4/11. A few things I lost through that are –

• My personal details – name, passport number, phone numbers, address and date of birth.
• My pride, or at least a fraction of it. I was incredulous when my mother went a little too far in another scam that she was roped into many years ago, but now, I know I am equally susceptible. Was I foolish? Absolutely. But now, I’m a little more empathetic to scam victims.
•  A little sanity – now when I see an unknown number, my heart skips a beat. I wait for it to go to voicemail, check the voicemail and then block the number. I want to call back and just listen to who it is. I will look up the number online and report it as scam. And I have been getting a few of these calls each day. And a part of me wonders if that might just be true – someone used my details to create fake passport and create a money laundering bank account. Now I am a suspect in an investigation.
• A little sense of security – I am a little worried someone would just show up at the door and take me away. I am worried that someone is out there creating fake passports and misusing my personal details. I am worried about the unknown. Maybe, I should not go to China any more. 

And even though it’s Good Friday, and Christ died for the sins of the scammer and mine; I cannot help but want the scammer to be brought to justice. I want him to be caught, sent to jail, and either repent or burn in hell. As much as I hate how foolish I was, I hate even more his lies, scams and the things he took away from me. Yet on this day, I will feel rich because of the things I gained –

• An appreciation of the insidious effects of sin – it wants to pull me in, it wants me to doubt the truth, it wants me to listen only to it and not those I love and trust. It is relentless and breeds fear. It builds up a false reality and lies to keep me in it. It is deep and dark and awful and ugly.
• Experiencing “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal” – nothing on this earth is truly mine, even my “physical identity” is not safe. This does not mean that we do not try to protect our IDs or privacy, but all that can be taken away from us in an instance. When I was imagining the reality of being thrown in jail in China, I thought about losing the life that I’m currently living in an instant. No job, no family, no “future”. And the only thing I can take with me? Christ. At least that, no one else can take that away from me.
• Deepened my belief about letting the light shine in – the scammer wanted me to be in a quiet place and warned me not to tell anyone or I will implicate them. And for 1.5 hours all I heard were the lies, so much so that I started to believe in it and not want to tell Arthur. But after I called him and fact-checked with my Chinese colleagues, I could at least start entertaining the possibility that that was a scam. God has put people, community in our lives, we need to let others in, we need to let light in.
• Listen to my H-h-usband – Arthur told me not to pick up the phone or entertain those calls. I listened for a day, and then did the very thing he told me not to, the very next day. And now I need to listen, to the truth that he is telling me, that it’s a scam. I need to listen to my heavenly Husband, who bled and died for me; so I can have my safety, security and identity in Him; and not live with fear in the background. If God is for me, who can be against me? not worry about your life. Do not worry about tomorrow.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,  and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Of Little men and Fairies

March 17

And we thought that the leprechaun will not strike this year. Last year, Mya decided that the leprechaun was going to doodle on the walls. We woke up to doodles on the bathroom wall, bedroom wall and the family room wall. We got rid of the doodles only when it was time to sell the house. 

This year, we thought we will get-by by setting traps and making mini shamrocks for the little green man. But alas! Mya and Elliot thought it might be fun to have snow indoors on St. Patrick’s day. So they emptied 2 bottles of powder all over their room and over themselves. At least, a little cleaning up is all that’s needed; and we'll do it well before we sell this house. 

Feb 20, March 12

Mya lost both of her teeth! Her tooth fairy is the shining Pearlie, and I have a feeling that we will be getting a lot more visits from her.

The first tooth fell out during chapel in school. It was a little emotional for Arthur and I, yet another milestone crossed. And the working mother teared up a bit when she heard the news, because she was not there for her yet another of her daughter’s “first”.

The second tooth fell out after a post-Awana treat with Daddy at Wendy’s. As Mya likes to tell the story with TMI.. She went to the bathroom after the treat, and as she was going potty, the tooth fell out. She ran to me right after she got home and asked, “Can the tooth fairy leave her more chocolate coins again?”

The answer was no, in case you were wondering.

March

From Arthur to Mrs Cummins, Elliot’s school teacher –

I've got to tell you this!  Of course, you've been doing the story of Zacchaeus at school.  Elliot also sings the song at church and we've talked about the story at home.  Anyway, the other day he got hold of my wallet and was playing with it.  He took out some cash bills, put them in his pocket, and loudly announced, "Me take money; me like za'ccheus!!!"  Haha!  Jo and I could not stop laughing!  Maybe not the primary lesson of that story, but he's listening!!!!  Thanks for all you and Mrs. Leydon are doing for him!

Happy Valentines Day?

What is a wife to do, as her husband figures out what he wants to do.

Should she sharpen him and risk a quarrel? Or roll over and say, “whatever pleases you?”

She prays and pleads, bites her tongue and guards her heart to keep frustrations at bay.

What is a wife to do, when his dream is to be single and read, but God who brought her his way.

Should she mull over this straw? Or look at the kids and say, “you’re not his first choice?”

She prays and pleads, relives the past and steels her heart to keep the aches away.

What is a wife to do, her public husband is so popular, unlike when he is with her.

Should she ask him to let others in? Or his safe person quietly be?

She prays and pleads, asks for strength and trains her heart to relish in grey.

Happy Valentines Day?

Nothing like a little morose to spur a blog post. I have been putting off my happy post about Elliot turning 3 – hopefully that will come soon. But I had to come to my “safe space” to vent a little.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I have no problems admitting that I’m a sinner. But more often than not, I don’t really believe it. I’d have trouble naming a sin that was seriously a problem, at least the one that God would or should be bothered by. But “so long as sin remains someone else’s problem, Jesus will remain someone else’s Savior” (adapted from Remembering Death). It would be tragic if the Baby in the manger is someone else’s Savior, if He remained a warm fuzzy idea at Christmas and if He is but an afterthought in the New Year.

It is His sheer grace that He showed me how petty and ugly I was truly inside. Being bothered by things that are not going to matter in eternity, holding grudges against people who are fellow image-bearers of God, not loving my neighbors as I should and keeping them at arm’s length. I was justified. I was valid in my opinion of them. I was holding them to a higher standard I reasoned.

But truly, I was being petty. Hospitality can be costly and dwelling-with is not always easy. “The Gospel comes with a house key”, Arthur and I have always loved doing this ministry together. We’ve had many great experiences hosting friends and family; days, weeks and months at a time. I thought I like to make a new-comer and outsider feel welcomed. But exercising one’s gift does not always mean it’s a walk in the park. Missed expectations and then being frustrated with having those false expectations in the first place, disappointments from false hopes and just being underwhelmed. Yet all of this is nothing but the fruit of sinful judgement and pettiness against my neighbor.

Alas! Maybe this will give me something more to commiserate with others, when they give me a knowing and concerned look at having another “long term” house guest. Maybe this serves to knock me down a peg or two on my I’m-an-easy-host or I-welcome-strangers pedestal. 

Maybe this is my opportunity to look into the mirror, face my sin, contemplate the discomfort of the manger and His dwelling with us, cling to the cross and His promise to make me new and depend on Him to carry me through.

Help me God. This is my New Year cry and prayer. Help me God, in so many ways. Help me Gd, please.

Happy 5th Birthday Mya

5 years and 9 months ago, I landed my favorite "job" of all time - being a mother. And today, my firstborn is 5 years old. Happy birthday sweet Mya!

Looking back this past year, 5 of my favorite memories are -

1. Last October, i went back to Singapore for Daddy's (or Gong-Gong's) surgery. It's the first time that I'm away from the whole family for 2.5 weeks. Mya remembers this and asks to pray for Gong-Gong's heart surgery and Grandma's knee surgery every now and then! Praying she'll grow up to be a mighty prayer warrior!

2. Mya and Elliot's conversations - in the car, in the playroom, in the bedroom, when they are playing outside. Most of the time, she's telling him what to do; and she likes him to say yes to her. And when he doesn't, shrieks and whines ring out loud and clear. Yet, it's so sweet when he repeats whatever she's saying and following her around! Thank you God for siblings!

3. Pinkalicious! It's Mya's first live musical, and is one of her favorite album to play on Alexa. She can pretty much sing and recite the lines of the entire musical. What's a good one to take her next?

4. Moving house has been tough on Mya. Witnessing her attachment to our old house and her tender heart. I hope we've taught her to say goodbye well.

5. Bedtime stories - the last thing we like to do on most nights, is for me to make up a bedtime story. I'm going round the world with this series, we started with Kanga and Roo in Australia; Baozi in China; Xiaoli in Singapore, Sakura in Japan, Chandra in India, Mr Fettuccine and Tortellini in Italy...

Dear Mya, we pray that you'll never lose your wide-eyed wonder, delight in the small things, joy in relationships, tender heart that feels so deeply and silliness. And may you grow in your love for God and His Word, in your kindness & generosity to others, in your patience when waiting, your strength in character and ability to read all the stories in the world!

We love you sweetie pie and look forward to the year that God has in store for us. We love you very very very much!

Birthday 2013; 1st Bday 2014; 2nd Bday 2015; 3rd Bday 2016; 4th Bday 2017
5th Bday 2018 - TBD

1917 N Spruce Terrace

It was unexpectedly emotional when the “For Sale” sign was put up in front of our current home – 1917 N. Spruce Terrace, AH IL 60004. I was not there when they did it, but tears streamed down my cheeks when Arthur called to inform me. Had I been there, every inch they sunk the peg into the ground, would have been an inch a nail was hammered into my heart.

It was again unexpectedly emotional when our realtor texted us that the couple who bought our house are excited about it. The house closed today. I was not there when they signed the papers, but tears welled up in my eyes. I felt every ounce of pain that Mya had within her when we said goodbye to the house. She was inconsolable, hugging our favorite tree, kissing the last wall before we walked out the door, for good.

This is the first house Arthur and I “owned”. I remembered vividly praying that God would use this space that He has blessed us with, and He answered that prayer in ways more than what we could have asked for. Families coming for months or a weekend, friends here to hang out or stay for a while, strangers becoming friends, friends making this home their own, gatherings, lunches, dinners, life group meetings, birthday parties. God has blessed us with much rich fellowship, laughter and tears in this little home. Memories made and deeply treasured. We are humbled that God has entrusted this space to us for the last 4 years.

This is the house in which Mya lived most of her life to-date, and that’s the only home Elliot has ever known. This is where they learnt to walk and talk, dressed-up and played make-believe, rode kitchen chairs trains and cardboard boats, got time-outs and spankings, read countless books, somersaulted, straddled on the ceiling, fought and giggled, laughed uncontrollably. They fell in love with playing outside here – swinging and kicking balls in the backyard, riding their bike, car and scooter on the sidewalk, playing with the water table, going to the park, climbing trees. God has blessed them with so many moments of fun in the neighborhood. We are so thankful for that.

We will remember our neighbors – Nancy, Wendall and Rosalee. Even though they’ve really enjoyed having us (especially Arthur), they will spur us to be better neighbors in the future.

This has been quite a journey for us. Leaving behind what we once loved, moving forward to a place unknown (kinda), learning anew what is temporal and permanent, cherishing what we have and had. We pray the same prayer that God will use our new space for His work and His people, that it will be a place of rest and refreshment for the sojourners and that we will steward it for His glory!  

10 years

We started our journey as husband and wife, walking down the aisle to “At the beginning”. And now 10 years later, memories flood back as I sing the song –

We were strangers {2006, a Singaporean and American meeting in Zhongguancun Beijing}
Starting out on a journey {July 12, 2008 in marriage}
Never dreaming what we’d have to go through {small spaces, hard places, surprises}
Now here we are {2 continents and 2 kids later}
And I'm suddenly standing {10 years went by in a blink!}
At the beginning with you {I love every day with you}

No one told me, that I was going to find you {uh-uh, my friends thought I was crazy}
Unexpected, what you did to my heart {you know and see me like no one else}
When I lost hope {not with my heavenly and earthly husbands!}
You were there to remind me {you’re always pointing to and modeling Christ}
This is the start {together!}

And life is a road I wanna keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is road now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers {in our pre-marital survey, only our faith was in common}
On a crazy adventure {Tio Man, Macau, Jamaica, Abu Dhabi, Frankfurt, Quebec, and so many more less crazy adventures…}
Never dreaming that dreams would come true {thank You God! even with the smallest of signs}
Now here we stand unafraid of the future {next house, next city, teenager? Come what may!}
At the beginning with you {I would choose to do life with you, everytime!}

And btw, I love a good duet...

Eternity under the Christmas tree

Experienced a little piece of eternity with Mya tonight as we were putting up ornaments on the Christmas tree.

I was trying to explain to Mya that I try to make 2 similar pieces of ornaments with the kids' pictures each year. This is so that when she grows up and have a home and tree of her own, she can have one of these ornaments; and i would still have one of them. She teared up and gave me a hug, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, how can i let my little girl go? And of course i thought of my mummy, who bore to let her little girl go.

Mya likes making things for me. I told her tonight that she does not have to make anything for me, i just want her. And she mumbled something along the lines of making something for me after I die. And then she teared up and squeezed me tight, seeming to understand what this means. I could not hold onto her tight enough, does my 4 year old know what death is already? Did her heart have this sharp ache like mine?

And then i got to tell her one of the best things ever.. That if we both hold onto Jesus, even when i die, it's just a short little goodbye. And that's why He came, at Christmas time.

Happy Belated Birthday Mya!

Mya is turned 4 and I turned 36 respectively, a few days ago. 32 years between us. Yet I feel like I’ve loved her all my life. She’s a part of me, apart from me, never to be removed.

Here's a poem for your 4th year my sweetest sweet heart!

Mya laughs herself silly

She cries herself hoarse

She plays with her brother

She makes up her own songs

She gets all giggly excited

About school, AWANA and smores

She gets bored waiting

Because “waiting is booooring”

She’s gone to the apple orchard

And the fire house too

She goes swimming and dancing

And sometimes Sunday school

She likes a big party, four is far too few

She enjoys her special friends

Emma, Jake and Enzo, just to name a few

Oh, Little Bear, Fizzy and Unicorn too

She loves to read Ling and Ting

And play hide and seek

Eat porridge and spaghetti

And ride around on her wheels

Behind her princess exterior

Is the spirit of a gentle warrior

She has her strong point of view

She holds on to her ideals

She rides her little pony called pride

She holds back her tears now when she falls

She imagines and makes believe

And her logic is without a flaw

She memorizes Scripture

Practice her alphabets and draw

She loves making crafts from Koala Crate

And write cards when she misses you

We love you so much Mya

We learn and grow alongside you

You are His gift to us

You are our precious precious sweetie pie

See you in 3 weeks!

It’s been a few months since I blogged!

I’m leaving for Asia today, for about 3 weeks. It also marks the last day I’ll nurse Elliot. I’ll miss nursing you buddy. And I’ll miss Mya’s hugs and kisses. And having my best friend close by all the time. It’ll be a time of growth for all of us, God help us!

Dear Lord, please keep my precious three safe and sound,

Help them enjoy everything You’ve prepared, even when I’m not around.

Dear Lord, please also heal my father through the surgery,

And may his heart be well physically and spiritually.

Dear Lord, please help me embrace my time in Asia,

And be Your servant to everyone I meet.