A little bit of Enchantment

Really really like Enchanted.. i know, shoot me, it's such a girly, kiddy movie.. but honestly, it's so fun.. and so real… for one who has always longed for a little piece of magic in the city, there's nothing that beats seeing a fairy-tale princess fitting in so well and making a difference in the city.

"i could be that princess!" haha...

But of course, there is also that drool worthy Patrick Dempsey in the movie. Playing the New York lawyer whose heart was broken and never believed in "happily ever after", and wanted to shield his daughter from broken dreams by taking fairy tales out of her library. He’s a mirror of most city dwellers. Thankfully, having met the love of his life before he settled for a sensible safe solution- the magic returned to his dull city life.

Enchanted is enchanting, especially if you’d give the movie more thought. There is so much philosophy in it. Do fairy tales belong only in story books- do we not need to believe in it to live a spirited life? Can we not live in a castle with our feet planted on earth? What is reality? Will you be able to handle magic when it happens? Extend that thought to the Christian faith.

Really tired…

I am seriously wondering how much longer I can hold out
I don’t even know if I am ok or not
But I do not dare to give it serious consideration.

He has made me strong for He is my fortress
But I am tired of being strong
So tired of being the one there every time.

I wish I was as optimistic as I sound on stage
Swallowed tears and stomached the fears
The torrents still rage inside.

They do not even know they have disappointed me
And how they have worn me out
But I do not think they care.

Perhaps it was wise to just stay away
To set up that emotional barricade
Maybe next time, it will not be too late.

Rants on Thanksgiving

Sorry been so quiet lately… Energy has been kinda low heh…

The mad rush before I left for Beijing, the hasty trip home, Grandma’s funeral and all the aftermath, and currently dealing with a strong temptation to disown all my nasty relatives. Argh- thank God I am not God, honestly… how does He tolerate all the wickedness and still act with grace? that’s why He’s God and I’m not… but nevertheless carrying the cross of Christ to love my enemies has been one too heavy of late. I know I will not be able to stand if He acts only with justice, so I am not sulking but I need Him to teach me how to love and give me the capacity to.

And not to mention all the undercurrents at home with dad’s physical health & his childish ways, mum’s emotional well-being & her anxiety, renovations, packing & clearing and waiting for people to chase us out of the house.. hehhehe, and thinking about a trip with moo-moo? oh yes, and the wedding too. and missing my other half BIG TIME. faintz.

I know my lot is not too heavy at all, and compared to many others He has been really good to us. but for now, I might just need to space out a little more- before Christmas comes.

***

Reading Knowing God by J.I Packer right now. it’s bringing me to a place where I don even know how to react/ behave in God’s presence. What shall I say in light of His perfect wisdom? How shall I react to His absolute power? Where shall I kneel in His Majesty’s holy court? The corner at His feet that I covet for so long seems too much to ask for. It’s awkward, I feel small, but yet so hungry to know Him more and more.

It’s thanksgiving today, so I guess for now, I want to thank God for being God, and who He is. Glory be to Him alone.

Grandma

Grandma fell asleep in the early hours last Thursday morning- 1 November 2007, having lived a good 92 years.

Having possessed incredible will power and strength, she was one spirited woman who embraced and stayed interested in life till the very end. She was beautiful, hospitable, and made the best soon-kueh in the whole universe. From a headstrong woman who saved for her own ticket from China to Singapore to be with her husband despite objections from the elders, to a rich young mistress being waited hand and foot by 3 maid servants, to a mother of 7 children, a feisty grandma, she used her life to write a story for many others. Never a plain Jane nor a simple sugar cookie, Grandma was one hot spicy chili padi.

There is much much more I can boast about her, but even as my loss starts settling in on me, I am sometimes finding it hard to accept the reality of my relationship with her. (Forgive this selfish indulgent piece.)

There are nights when a sharp pain sears through my heart as i try to listen out for the sound of her walking stick along the corridor. But yet flipping through old albums, I find myself being unable to connect to the Grandma I see in the pictures. I struggle to rekindle the memories that I have of her and how I felt towards her before her health started to fail. But the final years of making faces to each other at the dining table wrenches my heart dry.

I tried to jolt my memories long and hard, and tried to describe my relationship with her. But almost despairingly, I had only one conclusion- I probably didn’t know Grandma. I knew lots about her, there are many stories I can tell and many boasts that makes me swell with pride to have her as my grandmother- but I have to admit that I never did know her. I know about the legends that surround her. But who she really was, what she really felt at each juncture, how she became who she was finally- even though I slept next to her, I don’t think I really knew her.

I mistakenly thought that I had tried my best to love her as a grand-daughter, tried to spend time with her, tried to talk to her, do things for her. But as I try to retrace the journey we took, I think I was the one who killed my relationship with her.

I had learnt the hard way that many of my loved ones can never love me the way I hope they did- and she was one of those whom I had erected a wall between us to protect myself from disappointment. There are some whom you love, and hope and hope they can grow to be the best person in light of God’s glory, but there are also some whom you had to force that hope to die for the relationship to survive- and she was one of those whom I gave up on. I surrendered trying to know and understand her, and settled for a superficial “fulfilling all righteousness”.

But of course there are many factors like the generation gap, education, love language, need for emotional connectedness that could have prevented us from relating on the level that I wished we had- but I wish the reason was not because I gave up. May this be a lesson I learn long and hard.

Do not worry, I am not swamped by grief, remorse nor guilt. I know so clearly the grace and benefits I have received from Grandma. This grand-daughter had been the unworthy recipient of Grandma’s tireless daily prayers for the family which God heard and answered, Grandma’s best love, thoughts, smiles and praises for her, the trainings and lessons God had taught her and will continue to teach her through Grandma’s life, and the many many other ways God had blessed her family through Grandma. And she will hold on to these thoughts and look forward to knowing Grandma better in eternity.

Ma-ma, I love you and will miss you very much. See you in time to come!

SEX SEX SEX (I) – Caution, Lust

I speak not from the point of a feminist, nor care if you call me conservative. There is no political agenda, just some of my thoughts on the myriad of issues and movies that came up recently.

We’ve heard it before, sex sells. no doubt, it’s all about sex. Sex makes people sit up, sex is used in commercials, sex is used in movies, sex is used in art, sex is used to spark controversies. Sex makes money, sex brings fame, sex rules. period. Truth is, sex is but used.

We’ve come a long way from the time when speaking about sex is taboo. But we have swung right to the other end when sex is no more but a tool for manipulation. It’s tragic. Those people claim liberation from conservatism, claim honesty to speak of what goes on behind the bedroom doors, claim boldness to flaunt what they have, claim equality for the minority, claim freedom in expression,. Truth is, they are but claiming their three seconds of frantic fame.

When a director insists on using in-your-face sex scenes to portray the intensity of the characters to stay true to the story. When actors hide behind the excuse “I will strip for the script”, “I trust the director”, etc. When audiences appreciate sex scenes calling it an appreciation of art and slam the censors for “killing off art”.

What if someone asked the director how much he loved his wife on his anniversary- would he make love with her for all to see under the public eye? Surely he can be more creative as a director to use other artistic expressions to portray the innuendos of his leading man & lady? Take away the gamble of commercial contracts, press coverage, moolah, limelight or self-gratification, would the actor make a documentary for sex education in school? How about getting an audience for your personal night activities in your bed- you’re doing the artistic scene a great service for enabling more people to appreciate art.

I have long accepted the fact that sex sells. Our depraved generation lives on graphic gratification of our senses. Its tragic- but it’s one of the truths of this fallen world. Just don tell me that its artistic, don hide behind flowery justifications, don elevate yourself and claim to be “sacrificing for the story”. Worse still, don be grossly mistaken that you’re beautifying sex- by laying its beauty and intensity for all to see. Truth is when sex becomes a tool for manipulation and self-gratification, the beauty of sex is murdered.

I am sex. I was created to be perfect. I was designed to make two become one. He gives me as a gift to those in love and vowed to give their lives to each other. I thrive and grow best when the two are deeply in love. When she is inside him, and he thinks of nothing but bringing her pleasure, I soar. I help them to experience a fraction of how intimate one can be with another. Finally, they might understand a little the tension and passion that have long existed in my Creator for them. I am an exclusive gift, but I am slowly dying away. Many have murdered and killed me. I have been raped, abused, placed on public displays. I can feel that I am slowly slipping away. From the faithful wife, I have been made out to be the wanton prostitute. When love is replace for lust, I have been stripped of my created perfection.

p/s: i am not against any particular movie. A good story well told is always a sweet indulgence. But i beg for creativity in telling a story- how artistic is one truly being when you just throw a truck into your face?

One year today!

365 days ago, he was sitting opposite me eating the fish porridge I had prepared for a sick boy. It was Tuesday. He told me on Sunday- the day mum left Beijing, that he needed to talk to me. After some days of fearlessly showing my parents around on his own last week, and trying to communicate with them with his broken Chinese, I was wondering if that might be it.

And of course I wasn’t all that dumb, after all JC years have taught me well- “guys simply don do things without a reason”, especially when they were exceptionally nice. So I had been thinking and praying about things for as long as it lasted- even though his signals were so confusing at his best.

Being able to spot me without fail every Sunday to sit near me despite his many commitments, but turning his back to ride home when he had the chance to walk me home. Trying so hard to organize group outings, but not keeping me company on my grocery trip when we bumped into each other in midst of Sunday’s Beijing shopping crowd at Carrefour.

All confusion aside, there were lots of godly American girls in church and many many Asian girls who were vying for his attention- and I was more than happy to let them have his. It was easy for me to brush any possibilities aside. My puny brain could not entertain so much confusion, nor was it keen to take on competition at all. We’re just friends- that is all there is. But yet the insane number of emails started to mean something along the way, his sms’s left her smiling to herself and the many casual conversations they had caused her to wonder if he was for real.

So this paranoid girl had been praying- and her very first prayer about him (specifically) went like this, “Father, I don really like him at this point that way, but I really really do like him as a friend. So if this is gonna go anywhere, You have my heart. make it fall in love with him.” And I guess He did.

On the day when his stomach was topsy turvy (likely to be psychological), and during a conversation about microwaves and ovens, he asked for a chance to pursue her. She darted her eyes all around the room, rambled on about this and that, recited her thoughts on the matter, and said a very confusing “yes”.

Some were skeptical of us making it through the distance and time apart, but here we are one year down the road, and she has said a even more significant “yes” 2 months ago. Some had asked her if it was too hasty; and she wonders still at times if “he’s the right one”. But every time, the answers return the same.

He had been with me right from the start on this, He was the one who made my heart fall for Arthur. And as clearly as I see his flaws and being one who was far from perfect- I see also clearly how we are perfect for each other. And when you meet the one you know He has meant for you to carry on the journey with, you cannot wait for the best possible mode of travel to start. This journey started with faith and every single day He had given is grace- may His love keep us till the end. Soli Deo Gloria.

an inconvenient truth

sat through Al Gore’s lecture on global warming the other night with my sister and Xun. it’s a pretty good & sincere production, comprehensively informative & persuasive – leaving no stones unturned on trying to convince the audience of the disastrous effects of global warming; albeit one “cheesy” reason of him pursuing this cause because he nearly lost his son.

there were not just breath-taking scenes of glaciers splitting into two, alarming projections of the cities that would be drowned if Greenland & the Artic were to melt; there were also quite a number of memorable quotes that left her with mind with much to chew on. even the title…

The documentary started with the premise that people choose to be blind to the effects of global warming because “the moral imperative to make big changes is inescapable” – hence (I believe) the title “an inconvenient truth”.

I like Gore’s association between the truth and a moral imperative. Honestly the problem with mankind today, is the unbelievable ability to divorce truth and moral action. If everyone acted on the truths that stared so starkly in our faces, maybe we will not have slavery, or oppression, or discrimination, or people dying of obesity in one corner of the earth and malnutrition on the other, or global warming at least. If only people saw the need to act, and not remove the self when confronted with inconvenient truths. If only they would say “I need to and can do something…”

paradoxically, it is precisely the clear understanding of the moral imperative of Christianity that causes people to reject Jesus. When inconvenienced with the truth that I am not a good person but a sinner and have to bear God’s wrath. That me a sinner cannot save myself, but have to depend on Another to die for my sake. And I have to believe in Him to be saved. “I know where this is going, but I don’t want to believe…”

I like another quote toward the end of the show.
“it is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon him not understanding it” Upton Sinclair

Truths are inconvenient- if they aren’t they won’t be truths. So the question is, if something is true, will you act on it? Does the truth matter to you?



perhaps my little bit for global warming for now, check out http://www.climatecrisis.net/ or watch the film.

26 today!

Twenty six years ago, He formed me from the miry clay… breathed life into me and took me out of my mother’s womb (thanks for carrying me for 9 months mummy)… fed me from my father’s hands (thanks for all your toil and sweat daddy, it’s tough I know)… gave me my preciousiest little moo moo (mmaaaaaaaa muacks) … brought so many dear ones into my life who are willing to be called my friends (to you be my little little thanks, wish there was more I can do & be for you)… had me find the one whose rib i’m made out of (*blink blink*)… gave Himself to give me life (I can never understand why)…

and all the many gifts He’s given to me, lessons He took me through, the falling leaves & car park lots, all that He has done for me…

To God be the glory… :)

Movie minute

My newest hobby- watching videos from Video Ezy… Weifeng just told me that it’s really expensive- but ah well I made an investment with them some time ago already, so till that runs out, I’m gonna stick my head into the video shop every now and then to catch up on the movies I’ve missed..

So here’s just to sprawl a couple of contributions my new hobby has made recently (not a self-acclaimed movie critic like some, so don expect anything more than my random thoughts)–

Fast Food Nation
Manure in my burger patty, an angry cook’s spit in my food? Surprisingly, that didn’t make me gag too much. Perhaps it’ll make me lay off burgers for a while, but as Bruce Willis said in the show “we all gotta eat a little shit sometimes” (more true figuratively than literally…)

But what really chilled me in this movie though, is this one single scene. When Sylvia was sitting there crying because her husband Raul got his leg amputated when he accidentally fell into this chopping machine. So with her husband lying on the operation table, she could only wait helplessly outside. The company’s HR officer wasted no time in getting to her. Speaking though a translator, he introduced himself, expressed his regret at the company’s inability to compensate the poor Mexican couple because her husband was tested positive for drugs, and all too eager to “show her the positive test results” when poor Sylvia shook her head in disbelief.

It made me feel so so cold. Like an eagle sweeping to its helpless prey. Seeing someone crying so badly in front of you, all you do is to absolve the company’s responsibility in their circumstance. Not withstanding that it is the foreman who introduced the drugs to these workers, and how can one expect the Mexican with his poor English understand a single word of that “Safety first” video?

MNCs. Company policies. Unethical exploitation of workers. The disregard of another human's dignity in life. Luring them to the glitzy world and extinguishing their hopes like killing a fly. The world out there is turning into a mean machine, and treating people like they are bolts and nuts.

"White-washed tombs" (Jesus) cannot be more apt a description. Under the sophisticated packaging, it's just a heap of decay. Shame on you.

Babel
Artistic. It’s the details in the last few scenes that make you understand what you’ve been watching for the last 120 minutes or so. Very nice.

“Come be my Light”

Stolen and Inspired by Huixin’s blog on Mother Teresa.

Jesus has a very special love for you. But for me - The silence and the emptiness is so great-that I look and do not see, - Listen and do not hear- the tongue moves (in prayer) but does not speak...I want you to pray for me- that I let HIM have a free hand.''[Mother Teresa to the Rev.Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979]

''She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her inner state and her public demeanor. ''The smile,'' she writes, is a mask'' or ''a cloak that covers everything.'' Similarly she wonders whether she is engaged in verbal deception. ''I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God - tender, personal love, '' she remarks to an advisor. ''If you were there, you would have said ''What hypocrisy''

'' The more I want of him- the less I am wanted,''...''Such deep longing for God- and repulsed-empty-no faith-no love-no zeal- [The saving of] souls hold no attraction-Heaven means nothing-pray for me please that I keep smiling at HIM in spite of everything.''

~ Startling for non-Christians perhaps, when they read of the doubts & struggles Mother Teresa had. But ask any honest Christian, and they’d tell you that these dark nights did not belong to Mother Teresa alone. It’s true. Even till today, I still say this prayer that I used to pray every day – “That if I had not known You till today, and I was mistaken of my faith. Let this then be the moment now that I confess and claim You as my Lord, Jesus.”

But one thing i'd add though is that for all the doubts i might have, i'd have the hope of them being answered when i see Him face to face one fine day. Not sure if the answers would matter at that time, but still He remains the only One who has promised to be there at the end- and take me as I am.

Where do you look?

“You’re beautiful” could either turn your guts inside out or transform your journey in the train forever. Despising how men are always looking at the fairer gender and playing with images in their mind; or setting you up to long for that special “moment that will last to the end”.

But unless you’re James Blunt, people-looking aint exactly the favourite past-time on the public transport for many. Sans those who have a travel companion and are happily yakking, it’s been my quiet suspicion that people do not really know where to put their eyes when in the bus or train.

She was looking out of the window throughout the journey- perhaps observing life on the move, but likely to just be staring into space.
He played with his phone without lifting his eyes from it once- perhaps there were that many sms’s he had to send, or maybe his game did last well through the journey.
It might be a good use of time, but pretty sure he finds relief in being able to bury his head in the book/magazine/newspaper.
The program on Mobile TV might be really interesting, but even a repeat telecast will serve her well.
Some have bionic eyes to see right through people and objects, staring intently ahead with a very straight face.
And there are those who might be sleeping, but have so trained their biological clock to wake up just at the right stop.
All to prevent at all cost the awkward moment of having to meet the stranger in the eye.

It’s not that I have not done any of the above- in fact I’ve tried all of the above on different occassions.

But I remember how it made my day to have a smile returned to me. A strange nostalgia warming up inside, to contemplate having had a brief moment in another’s life by sharing a short bus-ride conversation.

Don’t be afraid to look at a stranger in the eye and give a smile.
When your eyes meet another’s on the bus, do not be too quick to fleet it away. Smile. Some may not return it, some may give a bewildered look, some may take an ego trip on it. But when someone returns it, you know you’ll do it again.

Friday night prayer meeting

it was an ordinary prayer meeting last Friday night. the speaker was talking about “being called” and “active choice” – almost in the same line as predestination and free will. nothing too new or strong, but the reminder was there alright. and the Friday evening was almost gonna end in the most ordinary way. almost.

just as the speaker was about to end his sermon with applications, I saw dad taking out a pen from his pocket. folding the bulletin into half, almost set to scribble down something. hopeful xiu was wishing dad was gonna take down notes, skeptical xiu half wondered what dad had been playing with and figured out in his mind during the last 30 min.

“Point 1 – to let God be first. Point 2 – to wait on Him. Point 3 - …” A warm sensation welled up inside of me. daddy was taking notes, he was listening intently to the preacher, he was taking notes. perhaps its just a very ordinary action by an ordinary man, but it was so extra-ordinary to me. it was so special. tears welled up in my eyes as the memories came flooding in.

from the early days when dad would fidget about during the service, fall asleep during the sermon, and the only response he gave when I asked him how the service went was “the pews were so hard, they should make it more comfortable”. to this moment when he is taking down notes of his own accord, it just meant so so much.

from a man who went through so much in life- good times and bad, weathered a storm that could have altered his course forever, a businessman who was self-absorbed and believed he was a master of his faith, a father who has lovingly tried to be the best he can be but still bringing pain unwittingly… to a man seated humbly at the feet of the Most High and taking down what He’s saying to Him.

a man who has seemed to have started life anew by being a child again. a man who seemed to have learnt the meaning of life by being a willing student of His Word. a man who seemed to have finally found wisdom by being found. I am almost sure the angels were joyful that night, and I am almost sure the Father’s heart was warm from hugging the prodigal son in His arms.

I hope and pray that daddy has indeed been found. but even more keenly, I am aware that He has found me that night too. Breaking me by a most ordinary action.

He asked me, “Remember the first experience you were this attentive to me? Remember how you used to love me, keen to find my will and obey? Remember how eager you were to listen?”

let me be just like a child again. to believe that You can change me, to believe that You want to change the world through me, to believe and simply believe in what You say and to just obey. Please Father, please let me be that child again.

and for daddy and mummy whom i witness changing slowly, from the very little things they do... let me be part of the environment that helps them thrive and grow :)

Happy Birthday Superman!!!

remember that you told Arthur the other day, “I love this girl very much. I don’t know why, she gives me lots and lots of trouble, but somehow she touches my heart in a special way.” do you know that you made me cry…
not just out of gratefulness for your love to me, but even more so you showed and affirmed me of my Father’s heart for me. I know I am one big pain, and am no less a trouble-maker, but both you and He chose to love me. more than aware that I’m totally unworthy, completely useless to you and can only be dependent – and you allow me to, just like Him. Thank you for your love, thank you for being Christ and showing Him to me.

remember how many times I fail to book the room, not meet you for lunch or dinner, can only manage a fleeting “hi, bye” every time I bump into you.
so sorry that I did not pay enough attention to you- not knowing when you have sprained your leg, being oblivious to what’s happening in your life, failing to be the daughter-in-Christ to care for you. so so so sorry Superman- don give up on me okie. Thank you for your grace and your big heartedness.

I am humbled by your service to Him and your heart for the church. I praise Him for His work in your life. Just want you to know that He has blessed the church richly by all that you have given. and I pray that with the many years He will come to bring you through; you will know the joy of loving and knowing Him deeper, more and more. praying His best blessings for you and your family.

Happy Birthday!!

Hundred years

Love to see him banging on the black and white keys. love the concept of the video, love five for fighting.



~

anyhow, as one who is used to being dismissed by the people around her, might just want to make this one point really really if you know not by now:

that i am no goody-two-shoes with a halo round my head. i'm just a really emotional confused being who loves being sweet sugar, spicy chilli, bitter gourd, mad chicken, prickly porcupine, bookish worm, pseudo diva, cinderella, air-head, smart-y, bouncy yo-yo, ...
at different times, or sometimes all at the same time. but figured if i had a hundred years to live, there's enough time to be them all...

and honestly, she has a self-destructive self-awareness, that might perhaps once again be dismissed by some who doesnt think she knows herself.. ah well.. He knows me- and loves me for who i am, that's all that matters :) i mean God.

we all learn new things about each other and ourselves every day. incoherent rants. that's the point.

Five for Fighting

Did you know?
Five for Fighting is the stage name of American singer-songwriter John Ondrasik. He adopted the name "Five for Fighting," which is an expression in ice hockey when a player receives a five-minute penalty for fighting. This name was used for recognition purposes; that is, Ondrasik thought "Five for Fighting" would be more memorable than his real name.

This song aint the newest i know, but i guess when i read the lyrics the other day, a couple of lines really resounded inside... Enjoy... :)

Title: Five For Fighting - Superman lyrics

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home
I’ll never see
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

Inside of me Inside me
Yeah, inside me Inside of me
I’m only a man In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man Looking for a dream
I’m only a man In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...
Its not easy to be me

Weekend Ramblings

Welcome baby Miguel to this beautiful world!! Praying that He who made you will bring Him glory through your existence. So small and yet bringing so much hope to life. *muacks*
~
Hair spray is awesome!!! Go watch if you just want 2 hours of fun being an air head. Legally blonde and loving it. *world peace*
~
No one’s gonna control my day. Wateva people may say or think or do, let me enjoy it fully to my Father’s glory.* W-W-W*
~
To redeem yourself from being self-righteous is to admit that you are. *kinda like the humble-humility paradox huh*
~
Boston Legal is back!!! yay.. 11 pm on Wednesday evenings on 5. *Yes, they paid me a commission.*
~
“Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads… Forget what we’re told before we get too old, Show me a garden that’s bursting into life” ~ Chasing cars by Snow Patrol rocks!!!

colleagues from hell

if you have to come in during the weekend to work, then please just come in- without making such a racket so that the whole world will know.

if you have a problem with me going home at 6pm, then leave too. don ask me everyday if I am leaving at 6 again. you should know the answer :p well if you were in my shoes, think if you would stay back. where were you when I stayed back till 12 am each night by myself. i would stay if i need to la.

if you think that I am doing nothing at my desk, go tell my boss. just because I don whine about things I am doing, and I have do slightly less things to do right now, and my counterpart may not be doing much- does not mean that I do nothing, and I don help others ok.

stop calling me “super-sub” for goodness sake. the last time I helped you- its not my job, how can you expect me to help you do your job all the time?! I am no longer part of your team. get that straight into your head, and I have a name.

I am gonna insist sticking my butt here – even if it pricks you. biting the hand that once fed you, ingrate.

Casting the first stone…

“Should the holiness (and excellence) of the ministry be compromised by grace?”
“Should a struggling leader be removed from leadership?”
“Should a group be disbanded for the lack of a perfect leader?”

It’s interesting how these questions have come my way again- going a full circle. My answers would have been easily black and white, and measures drastic were I much younger. But looking back at the years, my heart just swells as I revisit these questions again.

Not because I have better answers now – in fact my answers are much less satisfying theoretically speaking. But it just seems that as I grow older and older, I recognize more and more I am too young, too small, too inexperienced to take on these questions. And as He shakes my world to seem grey, He has shown me how the colors are settling to their perfect tone behind the grey scales, and blinded me with the magnificence of His artistry when the bleak blanket is finally lifted.

I have not traded passion for inaction, nor compromise absolutes, do not be mistaken. But during this season, as I think about the small group ministry, the different journeys our leaders have taken, and studying about God and his kings in DM- I have only one desire.

I yearn no more than to walk closely with Him, to feel His heart beat, to see what my Father sees when He looks upon my struggling brother, the faltering ministry, the scattered sheep. I yearn to serve Him faithfully, to re-establish His kingdom in the hearts of man, to have others know and experience His love deeply. I yearn to expose all my weaknesses that His strength be made perfect, through my failings show His will is pleasing and perfect.

I still hold fast to my theological convictions, and desire excellence for my Father’s work. But when each and every man is but still a work-in-progress, and our eyes far too short-sighted to see what the future He holds for the fellow pilgrim- who am I to cast a stone? Shall I judge the extent of the sin that can be seen, what about the adulterous heart and mind that escapes the eyes of man?

Pardon me when I seem to move to slowly or do too little, do not give up challenging me either, but please do pray for me- that I shall remain in Him and do only the things He wants me to do in His own time.

Let the love that both accept and discipline, wait and pursue, protect and refine, trust and hope be lived out in our midst. Let His holiness and grace be shown, restoration be given to the repentant one, and the flock having a shepherd given by the Lord. Let His kingdom come and will be done in you and in me.

J.K.R (II)

JKR (I) - Joanne "Jo" Rowling, widely known as the English writer and author of the Harry Potter series. BUT, this acronym will now have a special meaning known narrowly by the chosen few...

JKR (II) - Jo (to-be) Kok's gRowlings. and so shall my pen-name be... wahahahaha... if you are JKR(I)'s fan, don let me bear your wrath- i am a newly converted Harry Potter stalker too!

As a self-confessed anti-blockbuster, counter-culture movie go-er who has avoided watching mainstream movies like Lord of the Rings, MI series, Doomsday series, Harry Potter, etc etc etc... she is on the way of repenting.. *faintz*

it's not like i have anything against these movies but somehow i just decided that i am not losing out much should i fail to watch any of these crowd-pleasers, since my weak heart cannot take too much action nor suspense; and most plots are the same anyway... so over time, i just have not caught any of these movies. and thanks to mr kok who was in town recently, i shattered my record and went into the theatres with him for "The Order of the Phoenix". And the rest history. She's definitely gonna go back in time to catch up on all that she has missed.

The girl who used to feed on cookies made by Moonface and wishing Willy Wonka was for real, who would imagine fairies amongst the flowers and being friends with pixies to fight nasty goblins under the bridge, who secretly wished she was a princess of an unknown kingdom and can wield her sword riding on her white horse, was awoken.

Days of riding the broom when doing classroom duty were reflected with jealousy as she witness those at Hogwarts take flight on their broomsticks; Miss Monika Toh & Molly Leong now seemed benevolent compared to Dolores Umbridge; and the copper sulphate solution- chemistry was as close as she got to mixing potions...

Oooo.. too much too much... Anyway, JKR (II) is gonna be at work coz she knows of the world she can make her childhood fantasies come alive. Wait and see. She's hungry for some magic, hear her gRowl...

Arthur in singapore

just some footages to share...

1 Aug 2007, Wed

And so it happened, yesterday… My ring finger has found its owner and I guess both my finger and I ain’t the same as before :p

*my side of the story on hindsight, LONG, be warned*

Arthur was supposed to come on Friday, so I was led to believe. There I was, working hard to finish my lot of work for the week. It was tough yesterday- feeling feverish, having a cold and a deadline. To top it all up, my boyfriend had his phone “power off” and no one picked up the phone when I called his home. No one to whine to :(
*I was NOT gullible to NOT suspect anything ok… I spoke to him last night. This morning he used Skype to call my office- told me he was tired, so he slept in and want to spend the day lazing at home (when he actually landed this morning.. grrr…)*

After one whole day of failing to reach him, and two unsuccessful attempts in my car as I was driving to church for cell group in the evening, I had all my whines stored- ready to unload it on him when he finally calls at night. In my mind, i was rehearsing my lines as I drove “Couldn’t find you all day.. where were you.. booo hoo.. whine whine whine…”
*AND since there had been instances of his phone running out of credit, and thinking that he might be like me, forgetting to switch his phone on.. I didn’t think too much about him not picking up my calls.. bleah..*

So I arrived in church and uncle Ho was waiting for me in the car park.
“oops, I forgot I was supposed to have dinner with you..” I stuck out my tongue.
“why are you so late? you forgot? never mind. come, I have something to show you in the sanctuary…”
“but my cell group is waiting for me in PS, am late already…”
“very quick one… come let me hold your bag for you..” I shook my head and held on tightly to my green basket. so we were walking into the dark familiar hall- always loved it when there is no one around..

Uncle Ho stood me in front of the altar, pointed at the camera or projector or whatever that gadget is called.
“can you see the new camera?” “what camera?” “can you see the lights?” “what lights”

then the music played.. and he walked down the aisle towards me with a bunch of 12 roses in his hands…
*I don know why I cried so hard…not that hard, just harder than I expected to. well i wasn't expecting to cry AT ALL for an already expected proposal.. hehehe... I guess seeing the person you most want to see at that moment, just makes you break down a little. hehe..*

This is Renji’s favourite part. as he was approaching, I was there with my arms on my hips, “you bluff me you bluff me”.. and actually that’s all I knew to say at that time.. :p
and so he delivered what he rehearsed for ages to me.. *classified, which i made him repeat it to me this morning because my brain was guey at that time..* and I went “you bluff me” hahahaha.. anti-climax..

of course I think in the midst of it, I said “YES” :)

what made it more special was my family coming out of that control room, and knowing that they witnessed it all warmed my heart. always wanted them to be in the moment with me, especially my moo moo. and of course some dearies came by and shared the joy with us.. over chicken rice and chocolates..
*thank you so much for being there, and being part of the journey and memory. it will always stay with me*

and if you’re reading this, I know your blessings are with us too. so thanks for sharing our joy and being here with us… *hugz*

I think I need more time to let the feeling set in- its all a mixture of euphoria and seriousness, it feels vaguely like something BIG has just happened and yet the simple joy of just having him by my side again is overwhelming, and it’s a bit surreal for something to just happen overnight…

for now, I guess it’s a good time to finally share our song with you… because, YOU are special to us.



Father, please help us to continue to be a blessing and love them all..

and to xun n min, its not "it wont be if not for you..." but rather "it wont be the same without you". *hugz*

pure sugar...

http://strawberryshortcake.com/media/?Type=Video

New chapter at work...

For all my complaints in between, and many resolves to move out of Reuters.. God has different plans for me. Once again, proving that He has the best for me :) Not sure what lies henceforth, but nevertheless still thankful for the break that He has given to me.

Honestly, i really do like Reuters & what i'm doing.. so for my ever-gracious Daddy who entertained my whimsicals and complaints of boredom- thank you so much! Truly thankful for my lot in life..

And this is a special day.. for both Art & me are moving onto something new in the same workplace, and on the same day :) hehe.. makes me wonder how many more of such chapters are present in the past..

***

Hi everyone,

this is a thank you, but not good-bye mail.. slightly different from all the mails we have been getting thus far :)

as i was telling my team- it's kinda strange for me to send out a note like that, esp since i'd still be working really closely with all of you in Fundamentals, and for those in Singapore you'd still see me around pretty much. so yes am stepping out of the Fundamentals production, but it's not goodbye :p

nevertheless, would take this chance to put a closure to my chapter in the Fundamentals team, and to thank everyone who has made this moving on possible... *hopefully this doesn't sound too formal or dramatic...*

First to all my managers & TL - Valen, Hao, Rina, Paul : Thank you so much for all the opportunities & training you have given to me. Thanks for taking such good care of me. Hope i haven't disappointed you guys :)

To everyone in Singapore Fundamentals - some of you i've worked more closely with, and some of you less closely with. But all the same, thank you so much for all the care & support you have given me. Hope i haven't been too much of a pain :p

To everyone in Beijing Fundamentals - it's been a wonderful priviledge to have gotten to work with and know some of you. My time there with you guys will always be part of my fond memories. Hope to see you some time in the future!

Especially to the China/Taiwan team - it's been such a joy working with you guys, even through the painful times. The road's been bumpy at times but thanks for being in the car with me. i count my reward for being able to call many of you my friends and not just colleagues. Thank you so very much for being who you are- please don stop talking to me! :p

Especially Especially to Bao Min & Sophia & Paul - almost a dream team. cannot ask for better co-workers really. would miss working closely with you all. and the journey ahead will be challenging no doubt, but am sure the new team will bring about a different energy :) jia you!

Thank you so much once again..and for now, enjoy the weekend! :)

God bless!

***

God, I’m serious

How can I count the ways
You made each day sweet
Every falling leaf, every angel in disguise
I’m thankful You’ve made me alive.

How can I count the ways
You do not give us what we deserve
Made dark clouds to rain showers of blessings
Sovereignly commanding evil for the good of Your people.

How can I count the ways
You give so abundantly to this one of little faith
It’s not the gifts that overwhelm her
But You telling her that You trust her- sweeps her off her feet.


When You found me and lifted me from the miry clay, courted me till the oath I made that day, faithfully keeping Your covenant to me till this very day, I know God You’ve given Yourself to be the Love of my life.

I want to love you Jesus, to walk in all your ways, to obey your commands, to hold fast to you and to serve you with all my heart and all my soul. I'm serious about You, please keep me in You always.

Brothers & Sisters

The show premiered on Channel 5 on Monday evening. After a heartbreaking question by Kitty (Calista) to her mum (Sally Field), "Why can't you love me?". Nora replied, "We fight, Kitty. We fight (like all mothers and daughters do). But just come home ok?"

Her words echoed in my ears till now, "just come home". i think that three simple words spell out my "family philosophy". After all that might happen amongst siblings, after all the misunderstandings & hurtful words said between parent and child, after taking time off to cool down and let things pass, "Just come home".

There is no point in allowing history to spoil your present, why let regretful anger drive you further from each other, pride cannot be worth more than the blood that runs in the family. Come home.


Have not watched an American drama for a long long time, watching something like this makes me miss my once well-loved friends & families in the small box. Am a total softie when it comes to plots- thrillers, mystery and suspense don cut well with me. Give me medical, legal, and family drama any time. Allow me to pay tribute to them who were with me as i grew up...

TV staples in the past included: Ally McBeal, ER, The Practice, Gilmore Girls, 7th Heaven, Boston Legal. Miss those days when i would detest Noah Wyle's new girlfriend (ER), have my heart wringe when Calista Flockhart walk home alone, follow James Spader from The Practice to Boston Legal, wish i could be as cool a mum as Lorelai Gilmore and have a family as beautiful as the Camdens (7th Heaven).

You all will always be a part of me..... *tissue please*

i'm an index finger!

Another interesting or "air-headed" recommendation by Weifeng, aka JTL. hahahaha.

You Are the Index Finger

You are ambitious, driven, and capable. You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it. You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it. You get along well with: The Thumb Stay away from: The Ring Finger

What Finger Are You?

Lines of confidence

What happens when a job comes in between a husband and wife? If James Bond ever got married, I do not envisage him sharing all of the confidential information M entrusted him with to his wife. If the pastor’s wife is a gossip monger (yes, godly men can have wives with weaknesses), should he tell her everything his church members tell him?

Does the “not sharing everything I know” mean that I do not trust you?
Or if the person who has shared with me told me specifically to not tell anyone else- do I keep that trust and not tell the person I trust most on earth?
But if I cant tell the trusted person, how can it mean that I trust him? Do I show that I am trusting by breaking another’s trust?

What happens when a man comes in between best friends? I have wondered about that one for a long time. Does my best girlfriend tell her man everything I talk to her about?

I am a firm believer that that your best friend has to be your spouse. So putting myself in the “best friend’s shoes”- I share information under the assumption that the spouse would also know. And I have no problems with that, I trust my best friend’s spouse to love me the way she does. But what if there are just some things I need to share with ONE other friend? Maybe it is best not to tell her at all. Maybe that is where the special one comes in.

I used to think that there should not be any secrets between husband and wife. And I still believe that- that there should not be deliberate hiding of truths or information. Except that as I think more about the issue, and observe the relationships around me, I recognize also the many exceptions that may arise and I will not need or demand to know everything that he knows.

If there is bad blood between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, should the daughter still tell her mother’s bad habits to her husband? What good will that do except to sow a greater discord and making any possibility of reconciliation even more remote?
If one party’s work involves classified data, what professionalism is there if she goes home to tell him all the insider’s information?
If someone entrust a family problem to me, how am I respecting his privacy if I go tell my best friend something he does not want another person to know?
If A tells me bad things about B, do I go tell B or B’s girlfriend?

I see many couples around me. The maturity & openness of the relationship is not measured by whether the man knows as much as the woman, or vice versa. The need to know betrays insecurity.
If trust is what weaves the relationship fabric, I trust that he will trust me enough to tell me things he wants me to know. I trust that the person I know is who he is. The control freak nature is inside every woman, I am writing this here to remind myself- to respect and trust my man.

And with respect to that complicated world of relationships between friends, my take is to heed Proverbs and do not engage in foolish chatter.

i speak for me

this is just a public announcement that all questions with regards to my sister and xun shall be directed to them straight. i am not their manager nor spokesperson - i speak only for ME.

if you are concerned enough, go ask them about them yourselves. if you are just curious and need some dinner conversation, it's very unkind. boss around some other grounds.

"No comments" henceforth. thanks :)

when it's all been said and done

xun shared this with me... poignant.



i pray that i'd have lived my life for truth, for you Jesus.

There is a Higher Throne

Original music by Kristyn Lennox & lyrics by Keith Getty.

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known
Where faithful ones from every tongue
Will one day come
Before the Son we'll stand
Made faultless through the Lamb
Believing hearts find promised grace
Salvation comes

Hear heaven's voices sing
Their thunderous anthem rings
Through emerald courts and sapphire skies
Their praises rise
All glory, wisdom, power
Strength, thanks and honour are
To God our King who reigns on high
For evermore

And there we'll find our home
Our life before the throne
We'll honour Him in perfect song
Where we belong
He'll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die
The Lamb comes as our Shepherd King
We'll reign with him.

***

This is one of my all time favorite contemporary hymn. Inspired by Revelation 7:9-17, Keith Getty does a masterpiece in putting Scripture into song, expressing not only the praise man will have for the Most High when all nations stand before Him on that last day, but it makes me long long long for the new creation.


You can imagine my delight when i found the latest album by Keith in Trumpet Praise yesterday. Newly arranged, beautifully sung by his wife Kristyn.
Pure jewel. Its gonna be one of my morning favorites for a long long time.

And actually, this is one hymn i would love to have at my wedding- well or any wedding for that matter. (sorry, the husband and wife team, together with Henry & Bernice's wedding over the weekend has just made me think a little about these things :p) Anyway, this is not about self-indulgence.. but let me just share a little more about my thoughts...

The title in itself establishes the unseen Throne before man, setting the entire congregation, day and the couple before God Himself.

The joy that flows out from the hymn is fitting for the occassion- but even more so, it tells of a joy of a Day far greater than this day itself. Marriage is a foreshadow of the union between Christ and His church, and as much satisfaction as the union between a man & woman in love can bring- the fullnes of being with God on that Day surpasses that all.
This song reminds the couple to put God first. The sinful spouse will still brng hurt and tears, but Jesus will dry ALL tears when we are with Him. And even as they start building a home here on earth together, it will all pass away- for their home is there, there before the throne.

And of course the praise directed to God in the chorus echoes the worship that man has for their God, when they behold His wisdom & glory & perfect design. To God be the glory!

***

To Henry and Bernice, thank you for revealing the glory of Christ in your lives, in your union, and i am certain- in your household. All my love, best wishes and thoughts, always.

Grandma jo...

i had been grappling with the pain in my right back jaw for the last few days.. sometimes its searing, sometimes its content to remain in the background.. and it was so bad i lost sleep last night coz of that... don think i'm exaggerating okie.. don you dare underestimate a woman's pain threshold. bleah.

anyway decided to go to the dentist after lunch with gabbie, zhiming & xun.. so the dentist sat me down, asked some questions, stuffed some cotton in my mouth, made me hold some metal clip in my hand while he holds some metal equipment to sensitize my teeth... and so apparently i don have sensation in two of my pearlies. so he sent me for an x-ray. man.. so complicating....

so apparently some root canal problem. might be ramnants of my cyst removal couple of years back.. some infection there.. which could either get worse or just remain there.. so will have to go see specialist.. who is super busy, so gotta wait 3 months..

BUT thats not the cause of my ache.. BLEAH. its like opening pandora box to a bigger problem, and still not having the original problem fixed.. and so i have to live with it till it heals.. (*hint: prayer needed*) he prescribed some muscle relaxer for me, which i rolled my eyes.. didnt feel like gettting it so i just scurried off without going to the pharmacist as told.. heh. :p

it really is heatiness i swear.. so many people told me.. (though someone will roll his eyes...) so am staying off heaty food for a while... and more sleep.. and more water.. and let this machine get well by herself.. the Creator is an ingenious Designer- didnt you know that?

anyhow, now grandma jo takes like half an hour to eat a piece of apple. sad sad case.. and she has been warned not to open her mouth too big, not stretch her muscle, not irritate it.. and be careful when she yawn *YAWN*

btw, realized that the cleaning services at the NUH dental center also not very cheap.. 60-80 bucks.. about the same as what i pay when i go to Epismile!! hmph... condemn me for going to private clinic???

Joshua

One question bugged me during the study of Joshua in DM last season-
Why did God have to make the Israelites conquer Canaan? Since it is the Promised Land, since they have suffered enough by roaming the desert for forty years, and since it’s a gift- why not just give them a piece of land that was uninhabited? Why a piece of land that was occupied by pagans who idol worship? Why make them fight bloody battles and suffer deaths? Why not just a land flowing with milk and honey in a part of the world that was not occupied?

I recognize that it belonged to a category of questions that were unanswerable- why did God do what He did? The best answers are sensible conjectures at best. But I was really perplexed, I didn’t understand God’s way- it didn’t make sense to me.
I resigned to “God’s sovereignty”, learn the lessons God wants us to from His dealings with Israel, and “respected His free will to do as He did”- after all He’s God and I’m not. But after musing about it over time, I cannot say “to have seen the light”, but some thoughts arose.

Think about this- this is a generation that only heard about the deeds of God passed down to them from their fore-fathers, the first generation experiencing the Exodus had perished. A strong heritage of God’s presence is no doubt something to be proud of, to find confidence in- but somehow, it still “belonged to our forefathers”.
Maybe that’s why Moses had to tell the people that the covenant was not made with the forefathers, but with them as well. But with God leading them into battles and giving them victory, they inherited the Promised Land with a strong legacy.
Lord, I don want to just hear stories about you from the past. I learn about You from them, and I believe, but I want You to bring me with You into the battlefield Lord. To see you in action, to make His-story with You.

They fought and played a part in claiming the land called their own, God allowed them to share the ownership of the gift He had prepared for them. They fought and knew God in a way they never would have known, God showed Himself to these people through these tests. They fought and grew, God knew best the way to make His kind of man. They fought, and failed, and repented, God showed them who was God.
Lord, thank you for giving worthless creatures as us a part to play in Your mighty plan for creation. The goodness and glory is Yours alone, but You graciously allow us to partake in it. Help us Lord to see You through it all.
Thank you for all the trials and tests that come our way. You know us best and how we need to grow. You are the Potter and we are the clay. Mould us Lord, and have us cling on to the end Lord, like how the clay just sticks on the Potter’s hand.

Happy Father's Day!

To my daddy on earth and in heaven, Happy Father's Day!

Thank you & You for your love to me.

Heartbreak hotel (I)

This is not a place of healing- I have to be honest with my guests. I offer them no remedy to cure their heartache, nor remove the scars they have. Just a place to tell their story, just a place to get some air.

Auburn hair, hazel eyes, an air of sophistication followed her about. She sat in the café for long hours in the afternoons. Smoking her cigarette, sipping her latte, listening to the band play. Sometimes looking deep into an unseen reality unfolding before her eyes, occasionally chatting with a stranger who asked to share her table. She asked me to sit with her one day.

“I saw the questions in your eyes,” she smiled. I fiddled in my seat embarrassed, as my eyes stayed on the wedding band round her finger. I noticed it when she first checked in during the fall of 99, and every time she came round subsequently. She had made many trips here - some trips longer than the rest, sometimes just dropping in for a cuppa.

“Do you know how many times your heart can get broken?” She broke into my recollections. “It seems that no matter how small a piece you have left from the last time it broke, it can shatter some more. Each time the pain is fresh and you don think you can survive another ounce of ache, but you do. It’s such a cruel exercise- you preserve your heart to keep yourself alive, but as it barely learns how to breathe, he breaks it again. He does not know how painful it is, he isn’t even aware how much I cry, he does not even know how much it takes me to hope again, he does not even know that I know..”

***

A loves B and only B, but B loves not only A. Sometimes another lover, sometimes just a fling. But if you love him, here’s the place to mend your heart each time it’s torn apart. Check in here if you want to be able to survive in this waiting game. Get some air, and return to wait again.

***

side note: yay! the small font is working again!

thank you kor...

on behalf of the many who had benefitted from your giving... echoing the deep sentiments of my heart... thank you for giving to the Lord, i am so glad you gave.

my condolence

you don know me, and it does not matter at all. just need to give this tiny ache in my heart a little space to breathe.

you were only sixteen when you left home, leaving behind green fields and walked into dark grey forests. for education and hope of a better life, for your family’s glory and mummy’s dream. you went away.

yellow faces you never saw, a tongue you never spoke. a culture totally different from your own, loneliness you’ve never known before. for the better tomorrow in sight, for the pride that will be their eyes- you worked hard and swallowed all your tears inside.

now daddy’s gone and you’re far away, having no money to return home. the pain of love lost, the wrench of not being there. the solitude of facing loss alone, the burn of leaving them on their own.

nothing anyone can say will ease the grief, nothing will lessen the pain. but know that there is someone out there who faced the same, and overcame. rest in Him brother, and take joy you will see dad again one day.

Something there

When I remember…

God told the Israelites to “Remember…”, to not forget what He has done for them, to recall His goodness. This is an apparent application point for any bible study on those passages in the Pentateuch. A basis to return to when relating to God, a starting point for thanksgiving, a remedy to cure ungratefulness. A provision and reminder from our loving God has to keep His straying children faithful? Maybe.

Often in our conversations, Arthur says “Remember the time when…” and we recollect with much fondness something we have done together. A secret smile beams from the heart as we think about a particular event or time we had together. “Remembering” became alive for me.

Remembering is not just an activity of the mind- a call to our grey matter the past. It engages and affects the heart, and an upwelling of emotions engulfs us.
Remembering is not an inability to move on from the past. It is a natural activity between two who are in love, holding on dearly to the good the other has done.
Remembering is not just a desperate attempt to invoke or force feelings for the other. It affirms and assures, grounds and gives strength to the relationship between.

When God tells us to remember, it is personal. It is real. It ought to shake us at the deepest of our nerves, when we remember how He parted the sea for His people and drowned the enemies that come after. It ought to tear our hearts apart, when we remember how we like our forefathers curse God for taking us out of Egypt. It ought to be a desire for us, to remember the love that was displayed on the cross where Jesus accomplished salvation and bought with His blood the gift of life for us.

No doubt we forgetful people need to make it a discipline to remember His deeds, and it may take a deliberate effort sometimes. But think about this: Do you think Moses have to dig hard into his memory as he recounted what God did for Israel? Was Daniel practicing false piety as he remembered God’s faithfulness in his prayer while he is in exile? Did the early church fake the strength they found as they recalled His acts for their forefathers?
Why then does remembering become such a painful activity for us today? The communion becomes but a slap in our faces, reminding us of our callous hearts.

Our fathers of faith knew God and loved Him. They claimed the God that was revealed in His dealings with their ancestors as their own. Remembering Him was their favorite activity- be it His great acts in the past, or His personal intervention in their lives. God’s acts shook them to the core. What they had with God is a loving relationship, a passionate journey. Then the walk becomes worth remembering, and the story worth telling and retelling and written and passed on.

Dear God,
Make me love you more, help me know you deeper- such that remembering becomes my natural activity and telling about you is my favorite story.
What You did for my fathers of faith, it is mine to claim. For You are unchanging yesterday today, forever the same.
Let worship result when I remember, let praise for You spring forth. You alone are worthy of honor and glory, we need to remember.
Amen.

A prayer...

I prayed for love and perseverance
You showed me how little I have
I thought I had and knew how to
Alas, there’s so much more to learn.

Take away the Pharisaical judgments
Break those scales that seek to weigh
Remove my grudges and complaints
I’m tired of playing games.

Shatter my stained-glass faith
Raise the blinds that conceal Your ways
Burn away the hypocrisy and folly
Have me touch your heart again.

Return me to my first love for You Jesus
For You and my neighbor
Make me more like You Lord
And live for Your glory today.

POP! 1

have heard many songs for the first time on the radio.. but few would make me wanna go check it out thereafter. heard this on the radio the other night.. and it made me think of a certain someone. so here's a dedication for him..(unbashedly *blush*)

yes its bubblegum pop on a disney footage- SHOOT ME :p

Flash update :p

Just when I thought no one will be interested in an “update of my life”, my dear friend just asked for one… so in honor of the bride-to-be, here’s a quick journal of my life up to date… read on only if you’re absolutely bored. :p

lets tackle the easy ones first. You must have heard about the Thomson-Reuters deal, so I am very much sitting around waiting for my severance package.. hahaha.. As closed as this deal is, so are my plans to be making a career switch. yes, I’ve whined and moaned and groaned and set myself up a couple of walls- and right now I am just gonna stay here till He moves me out of this place. Nope, my dreams have not died- just waiting for Him to make the seed inside grow at His perfect time.

things at home are pretty fine. dad’s home after a long time away- so spending as much time as I possibly can with him. I can only thank God for all that He has done for and given to us. Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten. OHANA!!!

ministry is well, ministry :) Thankfully the days of hoping in Him are more than that with being disappointed with man. Remembering His faithfulness gets me through days when I fear “we have somehow lost our first love”. I look at churches who have raring engines and a “well built structure”, I wonder “when will it be our turn?” It’s not a desire “to have arrived”, the ache for man to love God and the church more is greater. But I have somehow become contented with persevering, struggling, and accept that hard work is all there is to my lot in ministry. Fruits? it’s His to give, and mine to hope. Glory be to Him alone!

it’s Friday everyone.. remember to Re-Create in Him this Sabbath!

mars n venus on earth (1)

Fairy tales end with prince charming riding his princess on the white horse into the sunset. For me, the fairy tale begins only then- when they move beyond the laws of attraction to be ironing out every crease in the fabric of their relationship. a real trying of every bolt and nut to see what works and what doesn’t. So here’s a little update of my tiny fairy tale. :p

Just came back from Beijing two weeks ago. Cannot be more thankful at the timing of the trip. Was giving my man such a hard time before that- my doubts, impatience, mood swings and fatigue carried over from work. *bish*

“I don know”, “I’ll think about it”, “I’m tired”, “I don’t feel like talking”, were swung ruthlessly in his face. Feeling burnt out from work, feeling like I didn’t know how to handle a LDR any more, feeling disgusted with myself for being so mean to him… To the weak, God is always full of kindness and grace.

The moment I saw him at the airport, all the doubts just faded away. Coffee at starbucks was especially sweet that morning. Days were spent riding behind him on his bike (breaking the law together! hahaha), going into the office and meetings with him (being a portable vase in every sense), doing groceries and cooking (domesticated 101), and basically yakking and lazing about the house… precious conversations, loads of gibberish, a renewing of chemistry.

All the ordinary dailies become extra-ordinary when you find your favorite person to be doing them with. And when that happens, you know you have found the one :)

(screeching sound of a broken record for sound effects please…)

But of course this dimwit can always be a pain in the neck. Stupid comments, refusing to let go of an argument spoilt our last dinner together. insisting to have said my piece in the situation, instead of backing off to bring peace- she had her claws in place. hahaha… the only good thing that came out of all the high emotions and frustrations that last day together- a not so teary goodbye as the last few times. :p Fret not, all is well now of course. Regrets? None.

Rainbows come only after the rain. No matter how the skies are- the two can enjoy frolicking in the sun under the blue heavens, or take joy in having braved the grey clouds together again.
If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die… As clouds roll by, for you and i.

Thinking about the Wardrobe

The Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe. The first of the seven Chronicles of Narnia by C.S Lewis. As i was sitting there in midst of the seminar on C.S Lewis by Wayne Martindale, staring at the poster in front of me, the Wardrobe caught my attention for the first time.

Why did Lewis use the title he did? the Lion and the White Witch is obvious- but the Wardrobe? I am not Lewis so i cannot speak for him. My best guess would be but a sensible conjecture. So i will not attempt to answer the question why- but rather, share my two cents worth as i think about the Wardrobe.

The Wardrobe was the window through which the children stepped into Narnia. Out of the ordinary daily life they knew, into a magical world they never imagined would exist. Breaking from the physical world, plunging them into the reality that was always existent behind the coats. Changing their status from plain Peter to King Peter riding gallantly on the white horse through the woods.

The Wardrobe- though appearing briefly at the beginning and the end as but a channel for the story to unravel, held a key. It is a place where the journey began. It is the door to an alternative reality. It is a space through which the seeker must make time to travel through. It is the divine channel given by God to a reality beyond the eyes can see.

It is that aching question about life for the unbeliever - "there must be more to life than my unsatisfactory toil... if it all ends where it ends, then for what am i doing all these?"
Take that time and walk into the wardrobe, my friend. Aslan has been waiting for you all along.

It is that desperate scamper for the christian - "i am drowning here, there is no joy, no peace, no victory, no gain at all for my pain and work."
Remember your status in Narnia my brother and sister, do not trade the eternal riches of the unseen just so you can live in pleasure for your eyes at the present time.

The Wardrobe may have been a literary gimmick, or a convenient side thought. It is my prayer that you may now come to think each time as you open your wardrobe, the Wardrobe. Into truth, into love, into victory, into safety, into rest.

Tracking…

I’m probably being presumptuous here
That this would be of remote interest
But as a writer, responsible and queer
Here’s an account to my readers dearest.

Have been so squashed by work lately
Something I don even understand
It’s not that I need to honestly
I don care about the management’s hand.

Time just disappears
The moment I sit at my computer
Not daring to move away for a second
Not even to get myself some water.

My nerves are tense
Closely knitted are my brows
My brain is dense
Looking much like a panda now 

But my team is there you see
I want to stand by them
Pitching in my best as can be
Fighting alongside as a friend.

Anyhow I’ll have my break this week
As I fly off to Beijing
So no more entries from this geek
Till I return to Sing.

YAY!!!

High Society...

Extracts from BBC: A lavish funeral has been held for Hong Kong's richest woman, Nina Wang, who died earlier this month.
Casino magnate Stanley Ho and Asia's richest man Li Ka-shing were among the mourners who gathered for the funeral.
Hong Kong leader Donald Tsang and his predecessor Tung Chee-hwa paid their respects on Tuesday.

***

What intrigued me as i read the report was how on earth do the big names know each other? are they then obligated to attend each other's funeral because they belong to the same class- even if they do not know each other very well?

***

Think of diamond rings, gold bars, balls, parties. Think of political agendas, secret motives, arranged marriages. Lots of drama, romance and foul play.

Think of Pride & Prejudice, the lonely hero misunderstood.

Think of the widening income divide- discimination, racism, oppression, big bullies. Hypocrisy, humanity in its ugliest garments.

Think of the girl who gave up her riches for rags, just to be with the man she loves.

***

I find the pompous pitiful. i'd wish i despise their airs- but i have only sympathy for them. but to the down-to-earth rich men- i wished there were more of them to show the rich and poor alike, there is no big deal having more money in your bank account honestly.

***

The high society intrigues me. Intrigues - not tempts, i have no wish to be part of them. But the web of relationships, strategic alliances, drama really intrigues this commoner that looks in from outside the glass ball.

6 mois

some say we live not for the present nor the future
but for memories and things we live behind
you've not only given me treasures i'll always remember
more so the greatest joys every today & tomorrow can ever find

merci misseour :)

The Constant Gardener

We want people we love to give us a greenhouse to grow in. We want to grow up in a greenhouse. If I can keep you in the greenhouse forever, I will try my best to be the greenhouse for you. But if you are going to be out there on your own some day, I want to be to you sometimes the sunlight, sometimes the rain. Sometimes the wind, sometimes the soil.

God is the gardener.
In my sinful nature, I am the rain and wind that makes life so harsh.
By His Holy Spirit, I am sometimes the sunlight and the soil that gives life warmth and support.
At times, I choose to be the scorching sun and it hurts for me to burn and hurt.
At others, I choose to be the gentle rain and end the drought.
But in all and through all, He uses ALL for the rose to bloom and bring Him glory.

Its amongst the thorns that roses bloom.
Its in rejection that acceptance is cultivated.
Its through trials that faith is strengthened.
Its from hardship that the heart grows.

Decide who you want to be amongst the thorns, how you want to respond to rejection, if you will persevere through trials and bear the hardship. Embrace the environment the constant gardener has prepared for us to grow to the likeness of His Son.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Growing pains

Pain: Failing someone’s expectations or that someone else failed mine.
Growth: Realizing that you aint as fantastic as you made yourself out to be, nor as big-hearted as you think you are.

Pain: i am no longer in the center of my own universe.
Growth: Realizing that you exist in a bigger world and allowing the others to come and play a part in your world.

Pain: Not getting what i want all the time.
Growth: Realizing that the receiving is in the giving sometimes. Rejecting the game of life that cheats us of our soul if we want to insist on having the world all the time.

Pain: Losing, falling, failing.
Growth: Accepting the propensity of failure but never allowing it to defeat you. Pick yourself up and carry on.

Pain: Why don people understand or listen to me?
Growth: Understanding that others also have their battles to fight and no one owes you an obligation of a relationship to listen. Step into their world only if you want.

If growing can really happen without pain, perhaps we wont have to tread the paths of this earth for that many years really. God willing, may we get there by His grace in the end.

Remember ME this way

I wonder if the church goers got tired of the church always trying to “make them feel for the cross” each year.

Perhaps the drama on the crucifixion worked the first year, perhaps the film on the second, perhaps the sermon on the third year. But the emotional connection seemed to get diluted with each passing year. Perhaps it has all gotten too predictable. And perhaps it might have even gotten to a point of resentment- reminding me of the cross I have forgotten. Or perhaps a sting- telling me of the failure I had been over the past year, because the conviction that arose last Good Friday had evidently not stayed with me for long. Perhaps I am tired of feeling, and feeling for the cross.

Good Friday became a holiday- part of a long weekend too good to miss. Good Friday became a routine- going to church in the morning and a day to hangout with friends. Is Good Friday even good anymore? Does one even consider about “preparing for Good Friday” in the most personal sense?

Think about a birthday of a loved one. Consider the lengths you would take to prepare of an anniversary celebration. Count the number of hours, weigh the efforts you have taken to plan for a special event for a special someone. Then look back over the past month, how much time have we taken to prepare for Good Friday?

We will be missing the point if we are looking for an emotional experience. Whether or not we feel for the cross or not- a man still died on it for us.
Whether or not we feel for the man or not- He still is God who became flesh.
Whether or not we feel for God or not- He still is God and He loves us.

Good Friday is a day we remember Jesus and what He has done for us. Whether or not we feel for it, the Day was accomplished for our sakes. The starting point of this day is Him, not us. Its about remembering Him, not our emotional highs. The church is not in the business of making us feel for the cross- the church exists to tell us the good news that God has paid the price to bring sinful man to His side.

Good Friday is Good because God is Good. Good Friday is God’s Friday.

Reflection

Look at me

You may think you see who I really am

But you'll never know me

Everyday it's as if I play a part

Now I see If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

~

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

~

I am now

In a world where I have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow

I will show the world what's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

~

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Must I pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

~

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

~

Why must we all conceal

What we think

How we feel

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide

~

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

Finding me

A walking contradiction roaming the face of this earth.
***
I am a pretty “easy” person to be around. Wrong. Discovered through several incidents lately that I have a pretty strong personality. Not a bad thing I know, only that the expression of such a character can be pretty brash and callous at times. A crazy and difficult woman to be around, when I am in one of those moods. Eeeky cactus. To those who have been on the receiving end of my mad antics lately, please pardon me. Give me some time to work this out with Him k? Sorry :p
***
Contented and restless. Can both be true? I want to say I don have big dreams nor ambition- I really don’t. Isn’t this an expression of contentment? Thought I could settle in the mundane things of this world- especially since it ought to be the eternal things that drives my passion. But I have discovered recently that I am bored easily at work, and my heart is aching for a change. What is wrong with me? Why cant I be contented where I am? Sigh :(
***
Practical idealist. Realistic dreamer. Cant figure if I want excitement or stability more. Extroverted introvert. Simple-minded AhQ aware of the shrewdness of the human mind. Want to have wings to fly, but yet also feet that touch the ground. Desperate to “find me”, but yet I honestly enjoy being a contradiction. Hahaha…
**
Dear Jesus,
have me be a wide-eyed wanderer in your creation, as I discover more the marvels of the created being you have made in everyone. Peeling slowly the depth of layers to each soul. Lead me on “finding me”- the one you have made to be yours.
I don want to conform to the pattern of this world, nor have only practical voices leading my life- I want to be on a journey with you and discover day by day the life you want to have me live.
Give me courage to fight tooth and nail, and pay the cost to keep the spirit you have made inside alive. Give me wings to pursue the dreams you have placed within this heart of mine.