Grandma

Grandma fell asleep in the early hours last Thursday morning- 1 November 2007, having lived a good 92 years.

Having possessed incredible will power and strength, she was one spirited woman who embraced and stayed interested in life till the very end. She was beautiful, hospitable, and made the best soon-kueh in the whole universe. From a headstrong woman who saved for her own ticket from China to Singapore to be with her husband despite objections from the elders, to a rich young mistress being waited hand and foot by 3 maid servants, to a mother of 7 children, a feisty grandma, she used her life to write a story for many others. Never a plain Jane nor a simple sugar cookie, Grandma was one hot spicy chili padi.

There is much much more I can boast about her, but even as my loss starts settling in on me, I am sometimes finding it hard to accept the reality of my relationship with her. (Forgive this selfish indulgent piece.)

There are nights when a sharp pain sears through my heart as i try to listen out for the sound of her walking stick along the corridor. But yet flipping through old albums, I find myself being unable to connect to the Grandma I see in the pictures. I struggle to rekindle the memories that I have of her and how I felt towards her before her health started to fail. But the final years of making faces to each other at the dining table wrenches my heart dry.

I tried to jolt my memories long and hard, and tried to describe my relationship with her. But almost despairingly, I had only one conclusion- I probably didn’t know Grandma. I knew lots about her, there are many stories I can tell and many boasts that makes me swell with pride to have her as my grandmother- but I have to admit that I never did know her. I know about the legends that surround her. But who she really was, what she really felt at each juncture, how she became who she was finally- even though I slept next to her, I don’t think I really knew her.

I mistakenly thought that I had tried my best to love her as a grand-daughter, tried to spend time with her, tried to talk to her, do things for her. But as I try to retrace the journey we took, I think I was the one who killed my relationship with her.

I had learnt the hard way that many of my loved ones can never love me the way I hope they did- and she was one of those whom I had erected a wall between us to protect myself from disappointment. There are some whom you love, and hope and hope they can grow to be the best person in light of God’s glory, but there are also some whom you had to force that hope to die for the relationship to survive- and she was one of those whom I gave up on. I surrendered trying to know and understand her, and settled for a superficial “fulfilling all righteousness”.

But of course there are many factors like the generation gap, education, love language, need for emotional connectedness that could have prevented us from relating on the level that I wished we had- but I wish the reason was not because I gave up. May this be a lesson I learn long and hard.

Do not worry, I am not swamped by grief, remorse nor guilt. I know so clearly the grace and benefits I have received from Grandma. This grand-daughter had been the unworthy recipient of Grandma’s tireless daily prayers for the family which God heard and answered, Grandma’s best love, thoughts, smiles and praises for her, the trainings and lessons God had taught her and will continue to teach her through Grandma’s life, and the many many other ways God had blessed her family through Grandma. And she will hold on to these thoughts and look forward to knowing Grandma better in eternity.

Ma-ma, I love you and will miss you very much. See you in time to come!