Bruised

i didn't know you thought so lowly of me. you never trusted anything i said. i've explained things so many times over but of course you continue to see the things you want to see. and now i stand accused in front of you, and our friendship hangs by a thread, and i have no wish of explaining myself or anything any longer. and there are things i hope so much to show you, but you would prob take it as my defence as well.

you thought you knew me but honestly you never did. you imposed your values on me and pressured me in every way possible to respond like you. but i am not you and you totally misread me. you never hear anything i say or rather thought there was more when there wasnt at all. you shot me an arrow when i was trying to cover your back. i never wanted to be the perfect role model, i cant, i can only keep trying to be like He who loves me... and i know i fail terribly. i just didnt know you thought that poorly of me. but it's ok, you're entitled to your opinion.

i know it's my fault that i have been such a porcupine. i know i'm hard to be around these days, and i hate myself for the spikes. i do. and when i get screwed for being such a pain, it kills me inside. and i don even know how to respond any more. but at least, i can only let you, whom i have hurt, know.. i am truly sorry. Praying He'll keep us all in Him, no matter what happens.... till the day where there will be no more tears.

the only relationship in my life that is left un-cursed is God's to me- of which i am the wretched child who hurts Him over and over again. and His tangible provision of the sweetest sista-hood :) to the special girls in my life, you know who you are.. you are His angels to me.

i am so tired lately. things have just gone so wrong and i know it's my fault. but i have no energy left to right things any more. and i don have what it takes to try... not now. it's almost crazy. perhaps it's just for the better i'm leaving... should just get the next flight out.