Ask me, LIFE...

Some time when the river is ice ask me mistakes I have made.
Ask me whether what I have done is my life.
Others have come in their slow way into my thought,
And some have tried to help or to hurt:
Ask me what difference their strongest love or hate has made.
I will listen to what you say.

You and i can turn and look at the silent river and wait.
We know the current is there, hidden;
And there are comings and goings from miles away
That hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

~ William Stafford, “Ask me”

The personal space and freedom’s kinda liberating- doing whatever I want at whatever time~ going swimming at 9 at night or 8 in the morning, making myself a meal of whatever I want to eat at anytime~ cooking lunch for tomorrow at 10pm, sprawling on the bed or sofa to read whenever I want~ without mum in the background nagging at the damage I’m doing to my eyes, the planning of my activities only according to my impromptu desires~ not having to consider if I’m spending enough time at home or if I’m neglecting people…

The many choices that I’m spoilt for at my free time… To go to the mountains or visit the lake, climb the Great Wall, visit Summer Palace or wander down unknown streets, do sports alone or play games with friends, to be a couch potato or the hardworking maid ( I screwed up my laundry yesterday argh)…

The inviting independent and a bit “luxurious” lifestyle has ironically strengthened my resolution to go home. It’s not the homesickness, ok a large bit to be honest. But asking myself if what I have in Beijing now is the kind of life I want to lead? It’s a definite “No!” Even though planning my days around the people in my life back home has got to me many times, the invasion of personal space by loved ones irritates me at moments, the abolishment of plans for myself in consideration of family & ministry- it is LIFE.

It’s not some noble profession- I know that selfish nature deeply seeded within me. And although I may like to think I love a life lived out for others, my actions sometimes reveal my hatred of their intrusion. But to live for myself alludes me.

The Teacher in Ecclesiastes says “everything is meaningless” and I cannot agree more. For death makes a mockery of all pleasures, all gains, all experiences, all things under the sun. And in Ecc 4, he also observes that how toil is futile when there is none to share the fruits of the labor with. I concluded when I was 12 that if this is all there is to life, and I am but to return to dust when life ceases, I’d rather die there and then. Why go through the carousel of time and become a puppet of the tyranny of this world, when everything becomes nothing at the end?

When this creature has been graciously given the revelation by her Creator that He has created her for eternity, and has opened the way to eternal life (John 17:3) through Jesus, and has made all things for His Son… Life suddenly made sense. The gnawing inside that seeks to find the answers to “There must be more to life than this. Why am I never satisfied?” finally found rest. I wasn’t created to live only for this world~ He has set eternity in the hearts of man! No wonder nothing here can fill the chasm deep within. The question that aches forth then is “How can this life make sense and be lived for Christ?”

The gracious God reveals “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your strength and all you might. And love your neighbor as yourself.” LIFE is Living “I” For Eternity~ by loving Him, expressed through loving others. There are lots more to be said on this and many others have said it far better than I can ever do. But my point is simply that: Live “I” For El-Shaddai, Live “I” For Everyone- only then can we truly find LIFE. For that’s how it’s meant to be. If not, why then are relationships central in the 10 Commandments? The first 4 for our relationship with Him, and the next 6 for our relationship with the community?

It was almost jarring when i told my korean colleague about the Gospel on sat... in the end his stand is still "i choose to live a good life as a good person and if God is so narrow minded and would send me to hell so be it, i will still choose to live my life this way..."

There are of course days when I still feel lost and this sound like another lofty theological textbook answer… But I know this is the truth~ He said it. And it doesnt matter if i feel like like it or not.

It’s my prayer that this Christian (and every disciple of His, if I may pray for you), would carry her cross and live her life for her King in midst of the community He has placed her in this life. In this side of fallen creation, it’s gonna be fraught with crowns of thorns and a painful journey to Calvary that bids death to self. But she will persevere to not just reconcile what LIFE is about in her head, but truly know and live it.

That this life that has been given the Spirit would be bold in testifying to the truth of the Gospel, be willing to love & give in the deep mesh of hurting relationships, be always choosing “Other & others” over self.

Gal 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. This life I live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave His life for me”.