Am I a Christian?

I wish being a Christian is physically tougher- at least then I’ll know how much Christ means to me. If I face persecution for being a Christian, at least then I know I count Him worthy of the physical sufferings. If I am held at gunpoint faced with the choice to renounce Christ and live, then at least I can know I believe in Him enough to die for Him. If only I can endure physical hardship for Him to show He counts for something in my life, at least I’ll know He is real to me…at least…

It’s not that I want to add to Christ- I know clearly I am saved by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone… And I have no hope to earn my salvation nor His love… But having failed Him time again in living out the life with Him as my Lord and King, I feel so weak to call myself “Christian”. And this makes the life of persecutions that the apostles and early church had, somehow seem like the “easier” option. At least the physical scars on the outside can be testament to the faith I have inside. How much of a Christian am I? Am I His disciple at all? I wish I had a way of finding out.

Had to send my CV to the China Embassy for my visa application the other day. Was told to delete my religion on my CV to “save trouble”. And I did. Did I deny Christ by so doing?

In the lift in NTU years back. Was rushing down to church after tutorial, and my mates asked me where I was going. “Orchard Road”, I replied. Well, that is technically not wrong and geographically correct. But why didn’t I simply say “Church”?

Chatting with non-Christian friends over tea. I repressed the desire to tell them about Jesus who died for their sins to bring them back to the God who loves them. And it is at such times having the label of a “church worker” seems to be the easier option.

Hearing about compromised values and lives, I sigh at the effects of post-modernism and not dare proclaim the standards of the true and living God.

Watching a brother/sister tread thin lines in their faith, I refrain from being overly harsh in my rebuke.

Feeling the strain of being at home, Beijing seems to me an inviting escape. Only to selfishly leave my darling sister to face the battles alone.

Killing people around with my self-centered intolerance, albeit unintentionally...

And not to mention the daily denials of Him in my life when a hurtful angry word shoots out of my mouth, when I am more pre-occupied with “me” than others, when I am just unable to live in that bursting joy of a risen Lord and be eagerly awaiting for His return…

I hate myself for loving Him so little, I hate myself for being more a Christian to the Christians than the lost, I hate myself for being such a selfish loser…

“Jesus, am I your disciple? Do I love you? How much do I love you? How can I show I love you at all?”

xxx xxx xxx

And to the prodigal daughter, the merciful Father came running. Really thankful for yesterday’s sermon, loud and clear was His reply to me.

“A new commandment I give unto you, to love one another, as I have loved you. By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, when you have love one for another.”

The truth that resounds through all eternity. The mark of a disciple of Christ is love. If I am His disciple, I have no excuse- I love. Despite of hurts, despite of pain, regardless of what the person I am to love is like, regardless of the response I might face. If I am His, I love. For no other reason, but because He loved me, and showed so at Calvary. When the motivation to love is the cross, and the reason to love is to obey Him, how can one not love?

“For Christ’s love compels us… So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view…All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry to reconciliation… not to receive God’s grace in vain… open wide your hearts also.” (2 Cor 5,6)

Jesus, love is not a work but comes from the heart. And I know only Your Spirit can enable me to love You and love others like You do. Keep me in You Lord. You are my God and love me most. Help me to also love you with all my heart, my soul, my strength, my might. You are my bright and morning star, be the One that matters to me most, and have me live my life only through Your eyes. And I want to obey Your commandment to love others, help me.

xxx xxx xxx

Lijuan, thankful for your faithful teaching of His Word today. Want you to know that He’s used you and I heard the repentance that He’s calling me to. Some have found the message hard and some felt resistance from the people. But I think that’s a marker of the faithful teaching His Word- judgment and salvation. Once again, awed by the power of His Word, and what faithful teaching can do. His Word accomplishes His work. Amen!