Catching Up...

Much has happened of late, and I had not the time to reminisce with my old friend here in this space till now. This is perhaps why I like the airport. Getting all the waiting in line and crazy security checks out of the way, there’s usually some cushion before you board the plane. And it is here that I get time to be with myself.

I’m feeling nostalgic today- maybe because this may possibly be good-bye to San Francisco and colleagues I’m very fond of working with. Or maybe it’s the end of a very intense business trip, and I’m just feeling tired and ready to unwind. I’m processing some low-key moments in the past few months. You might like to come back another day if reading blue notes aren’t exactly what you’re feeling like right now.

In loving memory of my Bible and Narayana blue-and-white striped pouch. I’m still sad when I think about the book that has kept me company for more than a decade. Surviving being soaked in the rain, my highlights and note-making in the margin, the front cover and content page falling out. Having gone with me on all my trips, conferences, services, bible studies and small groups- I miss my lost Bible dearly. I don’t even know where it is, or how I lost it- it’s just so bizarre. I remember the day vividly, carrying it out with me from service, church picnic, Lake Michigan and car wash.. But about my bible, that it’s just a total blank. Where could it be? Even the good it might be doing someone else gives me no comfort- I’d exchange a new Bible with you if you have my old one gladly!
The only thing that’s giving me comfort is that Daddy wants me to break into His Word again, and get the glossy pages creased and used again. Yes, Daddy- I hear you.

The trip to Yosemite had been most disappointing. We went through so much to get there- waking up early, taking the BART, taking the air bus, taking a shuttle, renting a car, driving for 5 hours.. To get there, catch but a glimpse of what could have been. Still wondering how the valleys would have looked like. This experience seared in me acutely that the destination matters. Most of the time, I treasure the journey more than the goal, the process more than the fruit. But the disappointment this time had sparked much in me and I’ll carry these “pearls of wisdom” for a long time.
Be as rational and level headed in decision making as you can. Ask why you are feeling what you are feeling, and try to divorce past negative experiences from the current decision. Otherwise, you might make a decision you’d regret.
Persevere, don’t give up too soon. Don’t give up on the faith journey and throw in the towel at heaven’s gates. Use every ounce of courage and strength to hang on, or you’ll suffer the thought of “coming so close and not make it” for long.

I have this overwhelming sense that I love Jesus, but not enough. Spending little time with Him, still needing to teach joy to my heart when giving bites into my comfort, wishing to transcend my superficialities, struggling to have a pure and unadulterated love, finding it hard to make Him my pride and obsession. It’s time for some surgery, I can feel it. It’s time.

Xiu Speaks..

It's his smile and eyes every day
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that i'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way

All the times i have sat and stared
As he gently lays on my lap
And he closes his eyes, leaves his cares all behind,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say

Coz i love him with all that i am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Coz he’s all that I see and he’s all that I need
And i'm out of my league once again

It's a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me
As the world spins around him as he laughs, rolls his eyes
And i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
Coz i love him with all that i am

And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But i'd rather be here than on land
Yes he's all that i see and he's all that i need
And i'm out of my league once again

Happy Anniversary honey!
Thank you Daddy for another wonderful year You have given to us... Thank You for everything, thank You for him..

The Break-Up

My decision is final. After giving Octopus the second chance, I am more certain of my decision than ever.


Hints of the crack in the relationship surfaced during my trip to San Francisco. I was at Pier 33, ordered a portion of the calamari salad. The first few bites were delicious, the next few bites made me wonder if I over-rated the dish, and by the time I was done with it- I could not bear to put another calamari ring into my mouth.

Things started to fall apart with my order of 2 Octopus and Squid based anti-pasti during a business lunch. They were delicious, but by the end of that meal- I was all Octopus-ed up that I swore I would stay away from Octopus for another month.

I was devastated, because after my relationship with Shrimp and Prawns ended, Octopus was my next love and the safe heaven to which I always turn to when I want a seafood pick me up.

I decided to give Octopus another chance at the Japanese buffet over the weekend. Chewing him no longer gave me the same satisfaction. It was boring, uneventful and far from deliciousness. Octopus no longer worked for me, so I decided to break up with him. I might perhaps see and taste him every now and then, but our relationship will never be the same again. *SOB*

A question for God...

I’m sure You’ve heard me by now- but in case I forget when I see You, here’s a question for You.. What did you mean when you say in Deut 5:9-10
"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

Well I know that you love us with a holy jealousy- only appropriate for any lover. And I understand that one is to contrast the few generations of “punishment” to the thousand generations of love.
But why did You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation when you do not mean that? You said through Ezekiel 18:30-32
“Therefore, you Israelites, I will judge each of you according to your own ways, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!

Your justice demands that the child innocent of his father’s sin shall not be punished. Through all of Scriptures it is also clear that “generational curses” are but superstitions. And all the other laws and commandments will also see to it that each man is held responsible for his/her actions. So what did You mean when You say You will punish the children for the sin of the parents?

I can understand the cyclical nature of sin, and how high the probability that the sins of the fathers will be inherited by the children- and therefore the child would be justly punished for their sin as well. So from a practical perspective, I can see how that would happen. But there is no qualification in Your commandment..

Does that mean that these words are not to be taken at face value? And it’s a case of the words being present, but the idea is not? It’s so funny.. I don’t understand why You said it when You did not mean it? To show us the extent of Your jealousy? That there are consequences to turning away from you? To show us the extent of Your compassion? That the grace shown to those who loves your far outweighs the wrath shown to those who turn away?

I'm confused God, help me understand please?

The Good Wife Finale

*SPOILER ALERT*

I was really satisfied with the season 2 finale of the Good Wife. Not so much because of the “very exceptional moment” for Will and Alicia, though the elevator scene with Mika's “Any other world” in the background did not hurt.

But I am satisfied because the two of them are able to, very honestly, for the first time, face and express their feelings for each other. No suppression, no lies, no sabotage, no bad timing. Just one hour of good timing.

I would have been equally satisfied by a dinner with them just talking about how they feel- even if it concluded with them acknowledging that it would not work, yet. That is perhaps why I am not a scriptwriter. Much power of their relationship lies in what is unsaid, the undercurrents, the looks they give each other. So much is said when no words are spoken.

I’m not a cheerleader for adultery, reeeeeally!! Though it’s hard to reason my way out since I am in Camp Will. Don’t ask me for the reasons why, nor think more about the moral implications. I’m pleading the free will to choose here, and the freedom to be a reckless romantic with no regard for consequences.. in TV land.. :p

My First Semester

So here I am at the end of the semester. Finished my finals, finished all my papers, finished all the required readings. Enjoying this moment I am spending with an old friend, not wanting to think about the other things on my to-do list.
I’m exactly where I want to be, doing what I want to do, watching time pass me by and having no urge to seize it- what other pleasures could one have in life.

It seems a little indulgent and self-absorbed talking about my little world given all the generation-defining events that had happened over the past month. There was the royal wedding of Kate & William- I liked her dresses, the very exciting Singapore General Elections- I never dreamed that any GRCs close to me would “fall into the hands of the opposition”, and the killing of Osama bin Laden- I cannot understand why people would want pictures and videos of that. CRAZY.

These headlines provided a touch stone for a world out there beyond the compounds of Trinity. More significant than the flapping of the butterfly’s wings, they should demand more contemplation lest a tempest should take me by surprise- but it is not now.
Now is the moment I want to reflect and process, forbidding that the semester should pass me by without this cathartic exercise. Crystallizing some convictions that I have come to own in a not-very exciting manner-

• We know a person by what he does. We do not know God’s ways without His stories. His stories unfold His roles and character. And this is the beauty of Biblical Theology. By tracing God’s work and hand through His-Story, we really get to know what He is like. And it is so exciting getting to know Him not by a neat package of ideas (Systematic Theology has its place), but slowly through time by observing and watching Him do the things He do. I pray that I will be more disciplined to apply Biblical Theology when doing Bible Study in the future.

• To listen actively and empathy is the foundation- not just of counseling, but of communication. There is no need for self-disclosure, and self-disclosure does not help. So many talk more than they listen, I pray that I will be a good helper for His sake!

• I have several personality traits that may be conflicting, but they also help balance each other out. I found myself confusing in the past, but no more apologies for the good range of personalities so I can draw on the different “selves” at different times for strength. Thank YOU Lord!

• Those suffering from addictions cannot control themselves- they need the counselor’s unconditional positive regard to help them hope. I pray that I can provide a safe environment for those who are struggling in any issue, so that help can come.

• To love wisdom and pursue it.

This is pretty much in a nutshell the journey I have been taking this semester. Looking forward to the next one :)

Remembering on Good Friday

I have a friend who gives Light
He came to a world of darkness who screams to put out His light
I have a friend who is the Lamb
He was slaughtered so God’s judgment can pass-over the sinners of the world
I have a friend whose name is Love
He showed His love by dying for an unworthy me

How shall I befriend Him
When sometimes I hide His light under the bowl of what they might think
How shall I be covered by His blood
Over and over again I crucify Him with my sins
How shall I love Him
There is nothing I can bring

Yet it is the Father’s will to send His Son so He might justify and sanctify us
Grace freely given, freely received with thankfulness
He is abounding in love, rich in compassion, faithful and true
Rest we must in He, who has made Himself known
He says He is going away and will come back for us
Eagerly we shall await that day

Personality Self Portrait

This is a lazy entry.. just an assignment that i did for my Counseling class on the results of a personality test.. But it pretty much describes me!

Overview

My most dominant personality style is Conscientious, and the least dominant style is Aggressive. Most of the other traits are fairly close in range, with the Dramatic, Adventurous, Devoted, Self-Sacrificing and Mercurial in the next top “Personality belt”. I will seek to discuss my findings based on the 6 domains.

Work
I have found that the blend of my Conscientious-Devoted -Self Sacrificing personalities strongly characterize the “good” employee and team player I am. I am organized, hardworking, can push through drudgery as long as it is pleases my boss and team. What motivates me most is the satisfaction of others, and I have little outward personal ambition. I care for the people I work with, and will also need some expressions of appreciation. Being in a position of leadership, I will need to be more assertive to compensate for the shortfalls of the Devoted personality.
What prevents me from being completely sold-out to, and causes me to struggle with my work ethic of “simply being the one who goes by the book and can be trusted to get the job done”, is my Dramatic-Adventurous -Mercurial personality blend. I love ideas- responding to suggestions from others, and wanting my ideas to be heard. I need to be challenged, and have to avoid routine- this explains why I like to multi-task, and work on 3-4 projects at any one time. And as a Mercurial, I am outgoing and energetic and take comfort in idealized roles- this affirms my longings for teaching and helping professions.

Self
My Self domain is strongly affected by my Dramatic-Devoted-Mercurial personality traits. This means that I have a weak inner compass, and my self definition comes from others. Being Dramatic, I see myself as others see me and require reassurance and feedback to maintain self-confidence. My Devoted self will cause me to seek out other’s opinions and follow their advice, and this combined with the Dramatic trait makes me want to be who others think I should be. As a Mercurial, I am very open-minded and curious about other ways of being, and I am rarely concretely fixed to any particular identity, lifestyle or culture. This is likely a contributing factor to me feeling not absolutely certain of my own identity.
The strong tendency to be “swayed” from identity to identity is fortunately “rescued” by my Adventurous streak and Christian faith. Being Adventurous, there is a strong inner right and wrong- this is what helps me determine the identities that I am willing to “try out”. The strong desire to live in the moment without regrets also drives some of my self-decisions that may be contrary to other’s opinions.

Emotions
As a Dramatic-Adventurous-Mercurial, I have strong emotions. It is important for me to engage my heart in everything I do, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I want to write a story with my life, I laugh and cry easily and openly, and am prone to more intense emotional experiences. The Adventurous personality helps me be cheerful and enjoy life, and be less melo-dramatic.
The above personality combinations can easily cause one to be emotionally unstable. However, the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing-Devoted traits help regulate and give stability to the strong emotions. The Self Sacrificing personality is emotionally strong and capable of shouldering whatever burdens that come my way, and the Conscientious self helps the head rule the heart and not go to extremes. Dramatic on the inside, my expressions are tempered and moderated by the Conscientious-Devoted personalities.

Relationships
The Conscientious-Devoted personalities reinforce each other in the realm of relationships. The personality causes one to be others-centered, and be loyal and faithful to follow through the commitment. For the Devoted personality, relationships provide life’s meaning and causes one to work hard to keep relationships together. The Dramatic-Self Sacrificing blend creates an interesting dynamic for the individual’s response in this domain. The Self Sacrificing personality exist to serve the other person, would sacrifice their own needs in acts of service. and routinely deflect attention away themselves. The Dramatic personality wants to be in center stage, and the Self Sacrificing trait is embarrassed to desire that, but desires to be appreciated.
The Adventurous-Mercurial adds a “wild card” to the faithful partner mix. These personalities are self-serving in relationships, thrive on intense, no strings attached experiences, and are not very principled nor monogamous. I have noticed that they show themselves through my thoughts and responses, and heavily “rebuked” by the other traits and my Christian faith when they present themselves.

Self-Control & Real World
There are 2 strong contrasting personality blends in the Self-Control & Real World domains- the Conscientious-Self Sacrificing vs. the Dramatic-Mercurial. The Conscientious self likes to plan, is disciplined and find it hard to make a decision due to the perfectionist personality; and the Self Sacrificing personality finds it hard to relax strict controls and have a good time. This combination suggests strong self-control and well measured decisions in the real world. The Dramatic-Mercurial self on the other hand lacks self control and often acts on impulse. It is curious and interested, love to taste and experiment, and is often self-indulgent.
They result in different responses in different situations, and will almost always create a regret response when one set of traits “win”. However, I think that they complement each other to create a more well balanced individual. With the Conscientious being the dominant personality trait, the disciplined self runs the show most of the time. However, with the dynamic Dramatic self, it helps the individual relax, do something “out of the box” once in a while and adds spice to one’s life.

Conclusion
Discovering my key personality styles have been enlightening. It has helped shed some clarity on certain behaviors, thoughts and emotions that I used to find conflicting and confusing.

Honda talk..

I feel each flake fall so gently on my body, and one by one they cover me. By the time the night is over, I am sleeping snugly under a blanket of snow and frost. The best part is when Arthur wakes me up in the morning and works me up to start running. The heat from my body melts the ice mixture on me and gives me a good bath all over. I love it when he uses the brush on me- the gentle strokes tickles me and the hard scrubs feel like a good rub. Gosh, the winter is over too soon and I am missing my baths in the snow already.

Though I must admit- that having ice on me is nice, but skating on them was not too fun at all. I was so scared that day. We were having a good ride up to Bemidji, enjoying the terrain and looking forward to spending time with the family… Until I was trying to go around the truck in front of me, and I fell into a snow ditch. Ouch. I tried to get myself out but to no avail. Finally, Arthur my hero got a tow truck to tow me out of that snow pit. Thankfully, I emerged only with some slight bruises. Phew!

While I thought that was the worst, Arthur’s wife did a Fast & Furious stunt on our way back. I always wondered what it was going to be like, but I don’t wonder that any more. The road was so icy, I spun 360 degrees on the highway! Thankfully, my neighbor charged on ahead in midst of the heavy snow, and the ones behind stopped in time. I am so glad that other than that little spin, all three of us were safe. I could tell that the poor couple was so shaken. She gripped me so tightly when she drove all the rest of the way.

These little adventures could get me by for the rest of my life I think. Fingers crossed.. Now I need to get ready for Spring.. Cant wait to give me some good cleaning and sprucing! Can’t be too shabby looking- it’s time to greet the daffodils and lilies in the fields! Woohoo!!

Fun in February

We've never been big on Valentine's Day- it's just not our thing. And all the "love is in the air" stuff, is just stuffy for us. To be honest, I don't think it's because it's the Valentine's month particularly, but we have had more dates this month than our usual monthly average of 0.5... :p  So I want to remember here, the fun we've had this February...So that I do not forget, all the effort Arthur's put in to make them happen- willingly or unwillingly ;)

Les Miz was a great start to the month. It was a gift from Daddy literally- we did not know whether we were going to get the tickets until the day prior! We still forgot our lesson from Wicked to bring binoculars, but we had a memorable school bus ride home with the rest of the "college kids". When was the last time i rode on an old school bus? Thank you honey for getting in touch with the person in charge and making it happen :) Taking the train down town to meet me for dinner, and then going out in the cold again after reaching home to get our car.

Ice-skating was fun too! And I sure hope we get to make this a monthly routine so that I can master gliding on ice!!! Push and slide, push and slide.. I think the hardest part is now having to let go of your hand... Next time.. Thanks for being a teacher :)

Dancing was as good as it could get with my 2 left feet. Thanks for being willing to be dragged, whining and kicking, to the event.. hahahhaa.. I'm glad I didnt have to switch partners and know that i've got one dance partner for the rest of my life :) Now, I must remember to wear higher heels next time :p

Les Misérables

It had been a long time since I had been moved by grace. And that night, the musical taught the lesson to my heart again. How shall one live without grace? How harsh and burdensome is the yoke of the law! And how beautiful the life that is redeemed by grace!

Grace was shown to Jean Valjean not in a dramatic “Let me pardon you” way. The benevolent bishop turned the other cheek, and gave the thief his cloak after he had taken his tunic. After the police released Valjean, the bishop never learnt what his gift of freedom had done for his brother. He “bought a soul” with the silver for God!

Javert was a slave of the law. He spent his life seeking to arrest 24601, to uphold the law and put him back in chains behind the prison walls for breaking his parole. When Valjean saved his life and pardon him, Javert realized that he could not give Valjean up to the authorities. Unable cope with the dilemma that he was shown mercy by the one he had been persecuting his whole life, and that his life obsession to bring 24601 to “justice” was undone, Javert drove himself to suicide.
The law had never seemed this tragically heavy and burdensome to me. The one who lives by and under the law was enslaved and bound to a Master who brings death.

The only regret I have of the musical and story, is how so many characters revolved around Cossette and how central she was to the development of the story- but yet her character remains so ill-defined and shallow. Even her love interest Marius surprisingly had more character than her.

The themes in the story are so beautiful, deep, well-explored and skillfully woven through the many story-lines and plots. The music and lyrics are profoundly well written. The experience baptizes one in love and grace, and sends one remembering “to love another person is to see the face of God”.

I love Les Miz!

Icing Queen?

I did not like icing, but after being “corrupted” by my American husband, I’m learning that icing can be really delicious. Well, at least home-made icing- there is still much lazy, yucky icing out there.

So my latest baking attempt produced a chocolate mint icing cocoa-butter cake, and an orange icing butter cake.

The cake base is not worth bragging about- since it’s pretty much following the instructions on the Betty Crocker mix. BUT, what’s worth sharing though is that you can totally make it with ¼ less the required butter, and it still taste fabulous! And I have fallen in love with this soft butter sponge as well- not too buttery, light and fluffy and melts in your mouth.

The icing was where it became fun. Arthur helped make the base with a simple family buttercream recipe. He left me with this big bowl of icing and said, “make it interesting, it’s boring!” So my mind started ticking as my eyes roved around the kitchen. And 1 flavor of icing is no fun- let’s up the game a little!

Ok, there’s some chocolate bars that I want to get rid of, and there’s this peppermint extract that I bought some time back that I have not tried. Chocolate mint icing sounded pretty good in my mind.. So there I was, without a recipe and trying to concoct this icing with my gut-feel proportions. Let’s just say that there was a lot of experimentation, “oops”, and “ok.. let’s add a little bit more of this to fix that”..

Whilst I back-tracked in the school of “measuring”, I thought I did well in the school of “melting chocolate”. It’s so satisfying to see the melted chocolate in the micro-wave looking as it should. :p A smooth silky chocolate ribbon falling from the spoon... Pretty... In the past, I used to get lumpy dry chocolate. I learnt later that it was because the temperature was too high. You cannot get impatient there with melting chocolate. Higher heat does not mean faster melting :p That’s something I learnt after screwing up goodness-knows-how-many bags of chocolate chips, and "getting mad" at the cookbooks.. heh.

By the time the chocolate mint icing was done, I was a little tired. What do I do with the other half of the buttercream icing?

And I remembered seeing this Orange icing on the internet the other day… Idea! But me being the lazy cook, I wasn’t going to go search for the recipe on the internet-since I was not prepared to do what it says anyway.. I saw my Korean KamQuat drink on the shelf and decided to “give it a shot”. So I took spoonfuls of the drink preserves, and stirred it into the buttercream icing. Again, “by feel”, I arrived at a perfect tasting orange icing. It’s really delicious.

At the end of the evening, I really enjoyed the 2 batches of icing and was really pleased at how they turned out. I could totally make icing for a living!! I don’t understand.. When it’s so easy to get creative flavors, why is there still so much bad icing out there??
And who says icing on the cake is not important? It can give 2 plain butter cakes such distinctive taste, and the cake “springs alive”!

Maybe when I get back to Singapore, I can have my little home bakery with specialty-flavored icing on cup-cakes. Hmmm… Idea.. Next career maybe? Icing queen? Hahahaha…

Some thoughts this week..

1. Back to the classroom after 7 years. I was like a kid waiting for the first day of school, excited! Sitting in a classroom with an age range of 25-55 years old- I cannot help but keep wondering what each person’s story is!

2. So my first question about counseling- so we’re not supposed to give our clients advice nor share our experience, how far do we take that principle into our relationships and interactions? Is it really possible to do that with friends and relationships that you have a stake in?

3. PPC is teaching about money, VCL is also teaching about money. It’s one of the key things Arthur and I would really like to work on this year. God is giving us a classroom and life-lab all at the same time! Praise God! I’m sure I have more to say about that in the weeks to come. But today’s lesson- tithing is our response to God’s blessing, and is a strong medicine against greed & selfishness. Discover God through tithing!

4. Somewhat connected to the above, I was kind of thinking through a specific situation. Having been a nomad congregation for years, how can we bear to put other brothers and sisters through the same experience? Of course there is human wisdom about being careful, but how does calculating the risk of property damage weigh on God’s “generosity and grace” scale? How much will “safety” count in God’s books, how will it match against “meeting a brother’s need”? I’m removed from the situation, so am just processing out-loud.. Human wisdom is valid and always convincing, and while I understand the concerns, I must make sure I am clear where I stand on this matter.

Over-reaction?

Being alone in a hotel room means that I have lots of time to channel surf. And what dominates the news cycle this week- is the shooting in Arizona targeted at a Congresswoman, and the snow storm on the East Coast.

I really have had enough of the former. Seriously… America at its best- making such a big deal over this. A country where you allow people to have guns, would you not have expected this? Someone attacking a government official, you call that an attack on democracy? And the President spending 3 days on a speech at the memorial service- commending people who performed first aid and prevent gun overload- who wouldn’t do that instinctively? Commending the left and right for laying aside their political differences in this tragedy? And noting that America’s heart is broken, but not her spirit?

Seriously???!!! *ROLL EYES BIG TIME*

I’m not saying this is not worth air-time, but seriously- when more and worse atrocities committed against mankind everywhere, and you blow this up to such great proportion? I guess the media is just having their field day. What did my President do about the hacking along Singapore River- I’m sure he did something, and I’m sure the media had some extensive coverage, but things aren’t THIS crazy!!!

It’s like bandaging a small paper cut. America, come on!!! Your government is starting to act like a nanny. For a nation that was founded by fighting wars, you have grown so soft! For a nation that became the target of terrorists, is this not just something so small? Surely public service comes with a price, surely you cannot be shocked by senseless violence!

Of course my heart goes out to the innocent- those who became targets because of their service, those who lost their lives in a random event such as this, but I wish you had given some context to the event…

2010-2011

From today, we’re officially over a decade into the new millennium. Not that this adds more significance to the passing of a year, than the event itself ought to warrant. Maybe it’s something about starting a new calendar, the whole world beginning on that same page with you, new plans are made, and hopes of fulfilling dreams gone by are renewed…

I am less a fan of making New Year resolutions than I am of remembering the year gone by- but I’m not very good at either of those. My forgetfulness is the culprit. I have always managed to forget my New Year resolutions by the end of January- so what is the point of making them at all? And I abhor the notion of having to measure myself against certain standards all the time- checking if I have done well so far or not.

But it would certainly be foolishness if I allow my poor memory to fail me, in taking stock of where God has led and is leading me in this journey. Hence this entry- an exercise of discipline to call to mind what I’ve learnt about myself through the experiences in 2010.

1. There is much courage, faith and love the heart needs to stay alive, to stay content, and to stay faithful. After 29 years, I am still learning to stay comfortable in my own skin. I need to call in no less than the love of Jesus to help me love my neighbor, when I feel less than them. To not compare, to truly wish/ want the best for them, to not waver and wonder about another experience. All is enough and good because He has given.

2. I like travelling. Be it the morning train rides, walking around the city, driving along the cornfields- the mind gets a rest from activity, and be by itself. And these pockets of spaces are so precious. It’s when I smell the air, glide on the river, trace the skyline and breathe…

3. My home is where my hubby is. Many have asked me whether I am home-sick, and I shake my head. It does not mean that I do not miss my family and friends in Singapore.. Or that my heart does not ache some times when I wonder how my loved ones are living lives on the other side of the moon… But I feel safe and right at home where he is.

4. I am looking forward to growing old. After a month of winter, I feel like I have had enough of the snow and I am ready for spring. But alas! I have 3 more months of cold to go… And I feel the same about life… After 29 years, I feel like I have seen enough and I am ready for Jesus to come. But unlike the cold winter with nothing to look forward to, I find myself looking forward to growing old in grace and wisdom. So I guess it’s like a good Catch-22. “To live is Christ and to die is Christ”…

5. Renewing my passion for learning and reading is one of the best things that happened to me in 2010. I am glad that books and papers are back in my life.

So here I stand, with 2010 behind me- totally piqued about 2011. And here’s a song He has given me to start the year with…

If I stand

And there’s more that rises in the morning than the sun
And more that shines in the night than just the moon
It’s more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger than this room

And there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.

Kitchen Bloopers

I must admit that I had been pretty pleased with my kitchen outings recently.

My first turkey turned out quite pretty- though I need to improve on keeping the inside as moist as Mum’s. But it might be a tough call, because to have that golden brown skin- it means having to broil the bird and this dries up all the juice I had tried painstakingly to keep in over the last 2 hours. Anyhow, I will experiment with my timing next time round. Maybe this will get me watching the clock a little more conscientiously.

But it’s not as if my days of being a screwball in the kitchen is over.

I’m into blending fruits into pulp these days. Thanks to Lynn and her craze with “You are what you eat”- I caught her bug when I visited her in New York. So anyway, I made black bean salad with the juices from 3 big limes the other day. And being a crazy lemon-lime fan, I hated to see the lime pith (the white spongy part) go to waste. So I had a brilliant idea to rip out all the pith, and save them for my fruit juice/pulp that night.

And there I was throwing in all the cucumbers and lime pith into the blender, with a refreshing cucumber concoction in my head. The first sip could not be further away from that! It was ssoooooo bitter, I could not bear to take another sip. But how could the one who cannot bear to throw dry lime pith, let the “pretty” green drink go to waste?

I grumbled and whined with every sip I took. And I drank the small cup through the night. Poor Arthur who did not like cucumber to begin with, and who absolutely would not voluntarily eat bitter gourd, bore the drink like a man. He took it, mouthfuls by mouthfuls, and finished the horrible green stuff before I did!

Lesson #1: Lime pith is bitter. Do not eat it one its own nor blend heaps of it into your drink!

And then I was trying to make Zha Jiang Mian over the weekend. Excited at the prospect of being able to use the blender to blend my onions, and there would be “No-More-Tears”, I chopped them into chunks and threw them into the machine. Sadly, I do not think that the blender was designed for this purpose. Use it to make smoothies yes, juice-pulp blends yes, but not chop onions. So after 30 minutes of unsuccessful attempts at trying to blend my 2 huge onions, I gave up. Instead of nice easy strips to chop, I now had to contend with chunks and chop it twice over. SIGH!

Lesson #2: Do not use your blender to blend onions. Use a food processor!!!
Now someone tell me what the difference between a blender and a food processor is???

10 Things I like about ME...

Ok so I’ve disappeared for a long while… So this is a quick 5 min catch up for those who are interested in what’s going on in my life and in my head… Just to limit myself, I’m gonna do the “10 things I want to tell you”. (i'm not THAT ego-centric laaaaaa...)

1. We now have a small group! Although we’ve attended it only once before the group closed for the year (coz of exams and holiday travel), we’re still thankful that we’ve got a small group now. It’s really small and cozy, and there is a certain dynamic when 3 of them are in MDiv, and 1 of them is doing a PhD in Genesis… Nonetheless, I really missed Bible Study and am more than glad to be digging into the Word again!

2. The small group is doing the book of Proverbs. And the study that night revolved around- the difference between Wisdom and the Law. What is their relationship? What is their difference? Is one better than the other? Should one be desired more than the other? When would one apply wisdom (ie a proverb/principle) and when would one apply the law? I had been circling these questions in my head for the last 2 weeks… Much to say about that- will save that for another time.

3. I think I’m falling in love with Village Church and the “old” brothers and sisters there. The 2 major demographic groups in the church are- people above 60s and Trinity students. And it truly is beautiful when the old can share their wisdom with the young, and the young can share their dreams with the old. We need each other, and to see the lives interacting- such is the beauty of the Body of Christ! I wish PPC can harness this advantage too! Maybe we need to get out of our Asian shells...

4. I’ m done with my GRE and applications, and am just waiting for TEDs to accept me. GRE was ahem.. ok.. My Verbal (English) score is just slightly more than half the score of my Quantitative (Math) score. Man.. it’s time to play vocabulary games and brush up my English- I’ve never felt so bad about my English before ok!!! Where did those weird words come from???

5. Now that I’m done with one admin task, I’m jumping into another. Looking to apply for Green Card. Not to worry, though we do not plan to stay here long term.. Figured that this will give us more options and potentially less hassle in the future. Now this thought must give birth to action.

6. Many colleagues in NY are looking out, 1 key person is leaving end of the year, things do not bode well for those who are around. There are many reasons why I should stay, but the feeling of being “left behind” is not a good one. Haiz. Another round of temptation and restless urges to resist.

7. I had fun during Thanksgiving- it was really nice to share the family with Lynn and Winston. I wish so much to share the Kok family and the family games with so many more of you!!!

8. And now Christmas is coming- absolutely my favorite time of the year. Making lots of new fun memories with Arthur, going to Christmas concerts, the church Christmas dinner, looking forward to spending Christmas with the Kok family.. But playbacks to last year’s Christmas and things I did with family and friends in Singapore made my heart miss my moo moo, family and church a lot… And reviewing pictures don't help..

9. I think I have a 70% love-30% hate relationship with snow. I love to see the flakes flurry gently from the sky, and even heavy snowfalls coming at you in the wind is also romantic in a cold-hearted way. But walking in it is not fun, neither is it pretty when it’s melting and mixing with the dirt and salt on the ground. And worse of all, I had 2 close calls with the car skidding out of control… But it’s still beautiful.

10. Randoms: How does the squirrel keep warm in the cold? It’s so small, is it really warm in its fur?
I'm thinking about cutting my fringe- i've resisted for a long time and i really wanted to keep it long for a while, but now i'm bored... should i cut my fringe?

Ok, i think i cheated and squeezed in more than 10 things up there.. But here’s a nutshell of what's going on in my insignificant existence.. hahhha.. Now update me!!!

Relative time

This is how relative time is… countries just decide to turn their clock forward or backward as they like! And when do they do it? Close their eyes, pick a date off the calendar and poof there we have it! Ok, the last part was an exaggeration.

Last week, my outlook calendar had some head-on clashes. The meetings initiated by Andreas, who was based in his Irish farm, started one hour later than it should. And the clashes were only for a week. It took me a while to figure out the strange phenomenon- since in Singapore, the impact was for a couple of months.

On Sunday morning, we were delighted to find that despite having slept for so long, it was still pretty early! We thought that we were being good by waking up so early- and when it dawned on us that we had indeed slept for that ONE HOUR more. Ah.. no more pat on the back.

When I was chatting with moo moo, she said she had to go to bed. I was like “why are you sleeping so early?” she exclaimed “it’s late!” then I realized, ah! We’re 14 hours apart now, not 13… not good…

This morning, my was I delighted to be walking to the office with some sunlight. For the last few weeks, the sky was still pitch black at 6.20am. My first thought was, “isn’t it nice that the sun is rising earlier!” Then almost immediately, I realized we’re starting a little “late”. And just as I thought I had it all figured out why we would want “Daylight savings”… My train ride home killed my enthusiasm… It was barely 5pm, and it’s getting dark outside. So dark, I could not even see my stop. Man… And Arthur’s comment after didn’t help “the days are just getting shorter and shorter, and 21st December will be the shortest day of the year!”

Since I’m still new to this, and pretty much fascinated by the “turning of time”, I turned to the source of all answers to try to find out more about daylight savings.. Here are some titbits of what I found…
• Daylight Saving Time gives us the opportunity to enjoy sunny summer evenings by moving our clocks an hour forward in the spring.
– ok, so I’m experiencing the removal of daylight savings.., and moving back to “standard time”.
• Yet, the implementation of Daylight Saving Time has been fraught with controversy since Benjamin Franklin conceived of the idea. Even today, regions and countries routinely change their approaches to Daylight Saving Time.
– exactly what I meant! It’s a man’s idea, and countries change their approaches to Daylight savings.. Can we then decide that we want 25 hours in a day?
• Most of the United States begins Daylight Saving Time at 2:00 a.m. on the second Sunday in March and reverts to standard time on the first Sunday in November. In the U.S., each time zone switches at a different time.
– how does anyone decide on the date and time?? Strange… And different timezones switching at a different time? Democracy at an extreme? Why arent the states united?
• In the European Union, Summer Time begins and ends at 1:00 a.m. Universal Time (Greenwich Mean Time). It begins the last Sunday in March and ends the last Sunday in October. In the EU, all time zones change at the same moment.
– at least some consistency…

There are some crazy stories about daylight savings.. you can go check it out too! http://www.webexhibits.org/daylightsaving/k.html

I was impressed with the clocks on the phones and laptops that got it right (though I heard there were screwups with Apple.. *shake head*), but we’ve gotta fix the clock on the microwave, stove and watches.. Only one left- my dear little car’s little radio clock.. we still cannot figure out how to set the time right… Now let’s hope we’ll figure out how to fix that, otherwise we’ll have to live with that until the time turns again!

Why Masters in Counseling Ministries

I never thought of studying counseling, ever- until the last 2 years that is. I used to think to myself- basically you just need to know how to talk to people, lots of wisdom from God, and be a vessel of the Holy Spirit. I thought I could handle the first one- I was not tactless. The second criteria- which is why knowing His Word is so important, so studying of His Word is the most important thing ever. I have no control over the third- I can only pray that He would use me, and speak through me.

Retrospectively, I guess God was feeding me the humble pie through these 2 years. Everytime I talked to someone who confided in me, I would go back and tear the conversation apart. Had I given worldly wisdom? Did my efforts to bring God into the picture sound hollow? Could I have given better counsel than my feeble advice? Had I listened well?

Psychoanalyzing this, I guess it does sound very self-centered- that the focus is what I have done. On other occasions, I perhaps might repent of that guilt. But the truth is, the desire to be a better friend, a better steward of the trust and time God & my friend had entrusted to me started to grow stronger and stronger. I desire so much to not give worthless self-help type of advice, and hope that somehow I could better lead them to see where Jesus is in all this so they could go to Him. I wanted to communicate the truth in spirit and in love.

It is in this context that I started thinking about counseling skills. I know that I am not your typical “counselor” type of person- someone gentle in spirit, flowing with wisdom, elegance and stability. I am a little crazy, unstable at times, stutter my way through and open my mouth before I think. And I admit that it would freak me out to be labeled as a “counselor” in any sort of context. These were the things that gave me cold feet.

Reading “Courage & Calling” gave me insight. Part of finding out our calling is to ask the question- how has God made us to see the broken-ness of this world? What causes my heart to cry and beat with God’s? I want to mourn with those who mourn, and laugh with those who laugh. I want to help lift people’s eyes off the circles that we are running each day, to see Him who was and is to come.

When I think about the people whom I would talk to in the future- because I am a woman and cant stop yakking. When Aunt Joanne reminded me that people would also come to me by virtue of being a missionary/ churchworker/ pastor’s wife. When at the end of the day, ministry is about people and relationships- why shall I not be compelled to be better equipped for their sake? Even if I am not your typical counselor or would use nothing from the course- I could not have done any damage for learning more.

And so here I am, set and really excited to start my MA in Counseling Ministries in the Spring at Trinity. I look forward to going back to the classroom, getting my hands dirty, learning and being exposed to a whole new world. And the best thing is that I will not just be learning about psychology and counseling in a secular setting, but there’s lots of theology, Christian worldview, pastoral and ministry issues mixed into it. What else can I ask for?

Being the horrible critic that I am, I do want to acknowledge that theories and skills can well only be head knowledge. So I have no illusions that I would be wiser and more skilled by going through this. The wise heart still comes only from loving, knowing, fearing and seeking Him first. My prayer is that He will mould me through the people I will meet, the books, the practical training, etc. Even thereafter, to display His strength through my weaknesses.

When I recall my secret dream to pursue a further education that is both my heart’s desire and for His Kingdom, and that it’s really happening.. I am truly humbled at how He has brought about this- being patient with me and giving me the necessary nudges to push me along. Please keep me in prayer- and in all things, to Him be the glory!

http://www.tiu.edu/divinity/academics/programs/mdiv-ma/counselingministries

The Wounded Healer

Such a brilliant and introspective book first published in 1979. And I am completely blown away by how relevant the book still is today, 21 years later. Henri Nouwen had stated at the outset, that he is addressing the need of tomorrow’s generation, as he explores ministry in a dislocated world, ministry for a rootless generation, ministry to a hopeless man, and ministry by a lonely minister. And I guess, we are that generation he is addressing.

The book is not a “blow you away”, dripping with theological juices kind of book. Neither is it a “I understand your pain” solidarity affirmation. But it leads its reader on an introspective journey, to be safe in acknowledging that one carries wounds, to look beyond the self and see that the wounds we all carry are not that unique, to learn to see that our neighbor is wounded too, and find strength to be that wounded healer.

Don’t intend this to be a spoiler for anyone who would read that book some day, but here’s an extract in the last chapter that I’d like to share with you the reader….

Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.

But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.

When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge- that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition.

This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.