Homecoming

Back at home.. it’s of course nice to once again be in the arms of family and dearly loved friends. but the sentiments are mixed especially when you have half your heart elsewhere. :p haha yes, most unabashedly with my significant Ar-ther in Beijing. just a couple of random thoughts on being home so far…

believe it or not- there are changes to this garden city. not huge ones, but changes nonetheless. tweaks to the familiar shopping hangouts, surprises round the corners, new roads, new tunnels. cannot wait to visit these places and know this island at the back of my hand again. but of course the beauty of nostalgia rises in you as you pass by familiar spots. and my favorite activity of “contemplating the city” takes on a new dimension as I wait to share it with a loved one.

pastor zhang spoke on “fishing the Chinese-speaking Singaporeans” yesterday. I want to say as much as I totally agree with all that he said, I want to say that we’re not “picking up leftovers”- as in not that we’re doing a ministry that no one (i.e. the “English speaking church”) wants to do… coming back from Beijing, I honestly honestly believe that we’re “at the forefront” of this generation. Singaporeans today, driven by the Chinese economy, WANTS to speak Chinese. being fluent in mandarin is no longer perceived as a “cheena-passe” thing. it’s the “way to go”! We’ll be a church that sends His bilingual army into the land of bountiful harvests!! This warrants more discussion, maybe another entry on it another time.

the LDR (long-distance relationship) is a lot more emotional than I expected it to be. I will not say harder because it is not daunting nor am I fearful of the prospects. But this drama queen spent two nights bawling- and my sister cries “please save the trees” hahaahah…. I never expected to cry this hard from missing someone. And just on day one, this neurotic insecure wreck actually started to wonder if she should be a burden to her man. Day ONE… I know.. MAD and CRUEL… So I put this here so that if I ever ever fall into those moods ever, those around me can remind me that, even I think that THAT is insane and it is NOT something I want, ever. And also, just a public apology for being so BRUTAL to my loved one. *sorry hons, please forgive me :p*

even though I say half of my heart is with my man in another land, but don misunderstand me. I am excited excited excited and know know know that this season apart will be fruitful fruitful fruitful. Not only for us individually, our ministries but also for our relationship. so hey you at home, don ever think you only have half of me! I am here 100% doing my little bit for His Kingdom, so will he! to quote him- we Christians are pretty adept in living in two realities: for the present and now coz that is where I am, and also for the future and fulfillment of something better :)

I have not forgotten the questions on my future, the lessons of faith and my heart’s desires. But all too easily, the “must-do”s and “do-first”s may sweep me to settle. so I pray that my heart will be still before my Lord, my eyes will be open to see His plan unfold, my ears will be sensitive to hear Him speak, my hands and feet be willing to follow… His will be done...

Announcement

Hahaha.. actually nothing very much to say, just needed somewhere to make a BIG deal out of this day...

Arthur's finally coming back!!! YAY!!!

But already missing him from our next time apart... ah well, just enjoy these couple of days while it's here.. and cry later.. wahahaha....

Things You say...

Dear God,

how can man live a life for you today, with tomorrow in sight? how do I live a life of faith for you this year, while balancing preparations for the years after? I know you say do not worry about tomorrow and I know I will find you there providing still next year, so I ask of you this day, to tell me loud and clear.

I know you have given me good options, plausible possibilities- once again evidence of Your good provision. it’s an answer to my heart’s desire, it’s a dream come true, it’s a way out of my dire circumstances, it’s a sensible thing to receive if given, and it’s a place I can see you at work, it’s from you I am sure. I’ve wondered if this was a test, but you have reminded me you’re no accuser, no deliberate tester.
You are my loving Heavenly Father, and gave me Your best. You did not withhold Your Son, Your only son. And now You show me, You will always open a way for me- and truth be told, that is all I have but also the very best.
Like the woman who dropped the two copper coins, I want to give you all I have Lord. I want to give you the only way You have given to me for this circumstance. Like Abraham who laid His best on the altar, I want to surrender Your answer to my heart’s desire and possible fulfillment of a dream to you. Like a warrior who 自断后路 (leaving no course of retreat), will I have the courage to take that step of faith? Help me Lord, show me Thy way.

it’s a strange kind of morbidity, I never seem to be able to see past tomorrow. And so I ask if there might be anything I might regret if tomorrow never comes. If this year was my last, how will I live it? I will settle things at home and then join Art back here. I have not done a perfect job, but at least I have tried my best in all my weaknesses to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to my parents and sister in my last twenty five years. And now, He has given me the man for whom I can try to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to a woman since Eve. Not changing responsibilities, not in the least. Just new responsibilities, additional responsibilities. I want to serve alongside with him, wherever he chooses to be- so he can put his whole heart into Your work here, and not have to deal with my absence; and we can together labor and just be beside each other as You have graciously allowed us to.

Is it not with abandonment that the early church lived such radical lives? Waiting for Your return, living like there was no tomorrow, praying your Kingdom come… Your Kingdom is what I want to be living and working for Lord. i know its not about the fulfilling of a great “ministry” plan next year, , it’s simply living each day in that place where You rule- over my every thought, every deed. Lead my steps Lord, lead me to do the things You want me to do.

I am excited about Your work here Lord, You are at work- but living in Beijing will be a cross I have to carry if You bring me here :p. I am excited about Your work at home, You are at work- everywhere. So pray tell, which piece of the puzzle do I fit in now?

Just ramblings Lord, I am not anxious. Waiting to see You unravel Your plan in me, just trying to make sense of all the voices thus far. You tell me things loud and clear, please graciously do so for me this time round. Praying You’ll have me listen to You in the deepest of my hearts and obey.

mmmaaaaa....

you’ve been incredibly brave, incredibly strong
makes me proud to see, you standing in the storm
take a rest soon, lay your weary head
it’ll all blow away soon baby
and you wont be alone.

speechless

even though I’ve gone about the carousel of pain and grief many times over my last 25 years, I find myself none the wiser. no better word for a hurting heart, no more-effective balm for the soul in pain. equally helpless, equally speechless, if not more. knowing deeper with each experience, the inability for me or any man to be any remedy.

I want to say sorry that I’m so useless to you, and that I cant do anything to make you feel better. I can only promise that I want to be there for you in your shattered dreams, not sure if being there helps at all, but I want to be if you just let me stick around.
someone who may mouth seemingly hollow words and cliché comforts.. or clumsily sit around and say not a word, but this someone will not run should you just want to scream and shout, will not be hurrying you to be ok, and will just be quietly listening and praying…

because in different ways He has brought her through the cycle too, and she understands really. and she knows, He is the only one who can mend the broken heart, lift the downcast spirit, reach the deep where no one can and bring the light of the day after the dark night. She knows it to be true, that there will be one day when the skies will be blue again.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our pain, but we have one who has struggled in every way, just as we have--yet never gave up (trusting in His goodness and love). Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

*hopefully i wont be struck down by lightning for "mis-using" the Word of God*

*snow*

***

stood in my first snow this weekend
what a sight to behold
snowflakes falling from the heavens
landing on my coat

every flake a unique design
mystery of creation untold
begets deep wonder from within
joyful smiles in the cold

watched the white showers through my window
gentle stars flickering down
each owns only a brief moment on my pane
then disappears down memory lane

***

Starting 2007

A famine of blog entries and then one too many... but this holiday just gives me a lil more time to collect my thoughts... so well here i am again, with my second post of the day :p

STILL reading Spirit of Truth by David Jackman for QT (i know! hopelessly slow reader...), at his exposition on 1 Cor 12:27-14:1 ~ Love- the Spirit's Lifestyle, today. Remembered at PT's conference some years back, how that sermon challenged everything i know about love. And as Xun recounted- it's a common sight for people to be breaking down when singing worship songs as part of the emotional experience, but there at the conference people were paralysed, convicted, breaking down hearing and being confronted with the Word. The Spirit using the Living Word when faithfully taught to cut hearts and turn them to Him...

And reading it again today, it stirs up not just memories, but more strongly the desire to know Love deeper, to know how to love deeper... so starting 2007, with love... just a couple of gems to share with you.

So, when Paul tells the Corinthian church that spiritual gifts exercised without Christian love are a contradiction in terms, this is not just a narrow opinion designed to deal with a local incident. The whole prupose and privilege of New Covenant Christianity is at stake. Only the indwelling Spirit can create the love which is the mark of authentic Christ-likeness. ... Only love counts with God, because that alone is the hallmark of the Holy Spirit's activity. The vitality of a church then is not measured by its size, or the commitment of its members. Nor are its doctrinal soundess, its properity, or even its manifestation of spiritual gifts the ultimate criteria of its worth, before God. All these goals or standards are nothing, without love.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. This is the Spirit's lifestyle. Christian love upholds and supports everyone within the fellowship, in every situation. It never loses faith. This does not mean that Christian love is endlessly gullible, but, in Calvin's words, "it would rather be deceived by its gentleness of heart than injure a brother by suspicion."
The characteristic of love is that it is always ready to think the best, to put the most favorable construction on everything. This is why love never fails. It is indestructible; nothing can overcome it. No hardship or rebuff ever makes such love stop loving. The essence of "agape", the distinctive NT term which originates in and is modeled on God's love for us, is that it looks neither for worthiness in the object of its love nor for reciprocation from it. God loves because he is love and we love because he first loved us.

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The gifts are needed now, and graciously provided by God, to meet certain needs, but at their very best they can do so only imperfectly. When perfection comes, they will be obsolete. But love will not! That is Paul's point in v13. Love alone remains eternally. ...
Paul's argument is that gifts will cease. They are part of this world, not of the eternal realities. How foolish it would be, then, to major on what is temporal and transient, rather than on the eternal reality of love. That will never end. Even now faith, hope and love matter more than gifts or ministries. But faith will be replaced by sight and hope will be lost in fulfillment. Only love lasts forever, because it is the currency of heaven, the Spirit's life-style. The Kingdom of God is eternal, present-tense love, which is why love is the most excellent way.

"Love ever lives, forgives, outlives,

And ever stands, with open hands,
And while it lives, it gives,
And while it gives, it lives,
For this is love's prerogative-
To give and give and give."

Remembering 2006

*grandmama @ work here... long-winded... be warned*

The time of man on earth is short, and I almost do not remember a year in which He has not used significantly. 2006 is no exception. Am thankful for this time and space I have to remember 2006, more aptly to remember the hand of the Lord my God this past year.

If I can use a word to sum up this year, it would be baptism. Baptism of life, baptism for my soul. Having sunk to the depths of emotional pits, having emerged with a new lease of life. Grateful for every refining process He has put me through this year, and almost raring and ready to start 2007.

Early this year, had a brief taste of what it is like being in a relationship- the joy and the pain; the lessons learnt about God, myself and other-centeredness; and simply the practical experience of dating. Things changed, dreams were shattered and till then, heartache never had a more real sensation. Yet at the same time, the grieving process gave me so much more. All those who came by to spend time with me, all who cried with me, all who helplessly fed me ice-cream, all who prayed with me, all whom I know felt pain for me. Thank you.
And to this end, I want to praise God for His baptism through this. Learning so much about the extent of His love and sacrifice, seeing how He has refined me through this- granting me a new field of ministry of empathy, giving me new lenses to see the whole world of relationships. In the words of a very good friend, there are lessons a broken heart learn that can never be taught otherwise. And I am very very glad to have learnt them, hopefully. And I will praise Him because I see now, how he has used this first relationship to prepare me for this last (God willing, hopefully :p) one I will have in this life.

And of course came Beijing. here, where I am unknown and having nothing to mark myself… where I am almost certain if I am lost, no one would know; where I have no family, no past, no credentials to show of- stripped bare. And so many a nights sitting on my bed crying coz of home-sickness and a genuine loneliness. But yet these moments assured me, more real than ever, of His presence in my life. That His eyes have never left me, that I am known by Him and am His. The intimacy I could never know of at home. So I praise Him for this baptism of my relationship with Him.
And not to mention His gracious spoiling of His daughter by bringing so many people from home to visit me- Grace, Edmund, Uncle John, Auntie Hedy and AnnWei, Dad, Mum and Dagu, Xianghui, Lishan, my lil Moomoo, Baoyu (over a phone call), Charlotte, Simon, Chew Chern… The online presence of those back at home never left me too- your care and love always evident (you know who you are). And the wonderful people He has brought into my life here- my colleagues, brothers and sisters in church, and a very significant Art-her (hahahha pun intended).
I know Him as my good Father, beyond a doubt He is good. Good to me. Thank you.

Church- am almost humbled by how gracious He has been to me. Almost felt guilty settling in BICF- if I was taking the easy way out and not doing more for the local church in China. But yet He has poured out His blessings so abundantly to me through this weak and selfish decision of mine.
Allowing Arthur and me to meet, allowing me to still feel like I can be giving to His body in a small way through ISOT, allowing me to be in a small group who loves to pray and taught me so much with their lives, allowing me to be the undeserved beneficiary of so much love and friendships. The acceptance and love extended to a stranger- whom they know not what good she is and where she is from.
Not to mention the multiple times He has allowed me to testify for Him in my broken Chinese and all- not so much good I did for that person, but rather renewing my boldness to proclaim this power of God. And it is true, He has done so much for me through China than I have for Him… But I guess this is what it’s all about isn’t it.

And work has been almost amazing as well. I was taught nothing is too small for God; but I don think I ever believed it. I find it in place to pray for “big things”- things for other people, things for the world; or “holy things”- things for the church, things for Him; so I passively trust His sovereignty in my life.
I do recognize the favor He has granted me with all my bosses through my working life thus far, but the evidence of His presence and help at work has never been more real this last six months. To be praying for a colleague with a medical condition, and see her picking up right after; having the chance to share the gospel and talk deep with my colleagues; seeing how He opens my eyes to potential problems at work and enabling me to resolve them before blow-ups; convicting me when I have been complaining too much, vindicating me in kind in some occasions. He is “for me”!

Have much much more to say, but one last mention is of course finally allowing us to meet and fall in love. One who supersedes my best dream and imagination, one who has been so carefully crafted and made to fit another, one whose life has been so intricately designed to cross the paths of another… What am I left to conclude? That One Higher has written this amazing story and graciously allowed me to play a part and enjoy a love I do not deserve.

I knew then my God is good and He loves me. But I know now how He knows me by name, loves me so intimately and plans my days so intricately, that His eyes and hands are upon my life. And when you know that He is for you, you emerge alive, and new, on wings.
And you praise Him for the dark valleys, praise Him for the sticky pits, praise Him because you will never have to doubt His heart is for you even when the next storm brews.

But of course this entire life is one long baptism- till we emerge in His likeness at the end. And I know there is much to refine in me still. So for 2007, I pray more than ever to live the days before His eyes, to know Him better, love Him deeper, to shine and testify for Him before man, to desire nothing else but His will be done in my life, to follow wherever He may lead. To still, be the miry clay in His hands.

Winks

Sorry sorry sorry! I think they blocked MSN in office. Sigh… so those whom I have not chatted with in ages, sorry!!! Keep me posted, email me...
Anyway here’s just two random chewies for you… a revised rendition of a poem I wrote years ago, and a silent conviction He has placed of late.

***

Melancholy
A man’s worst enemy
Sets me binging, Easily crying

Wild thoughts race
Multiple personas come on stage
Cant decide which I want to be
All come overwhelm me

Screaming in my head
Indulging in grey
Deciding to snap out of it
Suddenly
Melancholy

***

Been doing training so often these days and I am pretty amazed. Give me any person at anytime, with the training materials and there I am rattling off with much ease and confidence. I know my stuff, I know it at the back of my hand, I know it because I work with and on it all day. Made me wonder about my skillfulness in handling God’s Word.

I used to marvel at people who quote scripture off-cuff, easily at anytime. I thought it required lots of memorizing. But now I can see how it happened. They know the Word, they know it at the back of their hand, they know it because they work with and on it all day.

My adeptness with my work stirs in me a desire to be equally, if not more skilled in His Word. I want to not train skills in using Reuters’ technology, but be there in the field training in godliness alongside with my fellow brothers and sisters. And as I sit there putting in my best for work, I want so much more to be putting that best and more for ministry in church. But will abide His time and way.

2 months +1 day

This is a self-indulgent piece. it may sound selfish in light of everything that’s happening in my life right now, and a little “out of the blue” since there are so many other things I can be writing about- my sister’s visit two weeks ago, Simon and Charlotte’s time with me here last week, meeting up with Chew Chern in Beijing, the ISOT Christmas party that just passed, reflections on the upcoming Christmas season, follow up thoughts on ministry, updates on situations at work… but… here I just want to remember a very significant two months and one day of my life..

yes, very quickly it’s gonna be one day short of nine weeks :p the story of us… *blush blush* nope, not gonna bore you with our story here- much more entertaining if you ask him to tell you in person hahahah, and I know he would love to oblige- at my expense.. but just want to give a short tribute to the man of my life in this precious space of mine, as I think about him…

Second to Christ, he is God’s staggering, personal goodness to me in flesh- I am blown away by how good God is to me by bringing him into my life. Can someone be so right?
He gives me the freedom to be the woman I want to be for God and for him- he “makes me feel alive”. Finally finding someone who loves me for my love for Him, and who loves me for me…
He knows and understands my thoughts in a way no one has ever- though moomoo you fulfill that yet on another level of course. Strange little habits and thoughts God has planted in us both, sweet…
He is everything I have ever hoped or dreamed of- not perfect by man’s standards definitely but perfect for me.

And I love him- in all his insecurities, in all his fumblings, in all his whimsicals, in all his insensitivities, in all his failings, in all his whining…
And very tacky but “I love him for the man he is, I love him for the man he wants to be, I love him for the man he almost is, I love him, I do”
Perhaps too strong a language for just two months, perhaps you might dismiss this as honeymoon candy, perhaps you think I’m crazy and treading on thin ice here with my heart again... it’s ok :p

I never thought I’d dare to give my heart again to someone I could lose- but He made me so. Don worry about me being in la-la land with the above professions. I say what I said in full view of storms that might potentially brew in the future, I say that with my feet firmly on the ground, I say that with knees knuckled- in gratitude and in total dependence on Him to bring us through. I say that in faith of our Daddy's goodness- that He is the one who brought us together, and He will have His perfect will be done...

And in light of man’s inability to see or control the future, I can say with absolute confidence that no matter what happens, he and us is His gift for this daughter of His. A gift that is good, a gift that has touched and changed my life forever, a gift that is precious and treasured. A gift that will resound in eternity, even though I may possess it only for a while on earth- but I hope and pray it’ll be for all my while on this journey here.

Hey dear,

Thank you for being who you are,
Thank you for spotting me from afar.
Thank you for being in my life,
Thank you for your love that makes me come alive.

So sorry this season has been so busy for you and I have so doubled the clutter… thank you for giving me space in your world.

Obedience-Based Decisions

An article from "TGIF Today God Is First", by Os Hillman... not an "impressive" or "intellectual" piece per say.. nor a new message that will blow one away.. but want to share this with you coz it invoked thoughts along a couple of lines that are very close to my heart..

praying that it'll be an encouragement for those who might be weary, and an alert for those who might be discouraged in ministry... that it'll be a reminder for those who might be facing cross-roads of any sort... that it'll be Daddy's "shake-shake" for those who are "caught-up in sacrifice" :)

We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him. - Acts 5:32

So often we as a society equate numbers with success. The larger the conference, the more successful we deem it. The larger a church, the more we believe that God is blessing. And so on.

I recall planning a conference one time. Registrations were not where I felt they needed to be a few weeks before the date of the event. It wasn't long before I began to get "under the pile" about the level of attendance. My friend, who was organizing this conference with me, called and asked how I was doing. I had to confess where I was. He immediately reminded me of my own teaching in this area.
We are all called to be led by the Spirit, not by outcomes. "If God called us to put on this conference, then the outcome is up to Him if we have done our part." He went on to explain how he learned this lesson in a similar way a few years earlier.

He and a friend were led to host a Bible study group. His friend was to speak. It was nine o'clock and they were the only two people there. His friend was discouraged and was ready to leave."No," said my friend. "We have done what the Holy Spirit directed." He then stood up and began to welcome people as though there were many in the room. (No one was in the room.) He introduced his friend and they began the meeting.
A few minutes later, people began to straggle in. By the time the meeting was over, ten had shown up, and one man in particular was impacted by the meeting.

Being led by the Spirit often means we must not use the world's standard for success as our measuring stick. You never know what an act of obedience will yield at the time. We must leave results to God. Our role is to obey. His role is to bring results from our obedience.

Do you make decisions based on the potential outcome or by the direction of the Holy Spirit in your life? Do you overly evaluate the pros and cons without consideration to what the Holy Spirit might be saying deep inside? We are all prone to make decisions based on reasoning alone. Ask God to give you a willingness and ability to hear the Holy Spirit and to obey His promptings.

***

i recall a chiding... so often we are tempted to measure the "succeess" of a meeting in church by numbers.. but honestly, if we do not have true believers who are genuinely after God's heart- but just people who might be there for an emotional experience or fulfilling a certain obligation and all- we have nothing more but a "church-full" of corpses... dead in the spirit, dead to God... and then the more the numbers, the larger the failing of the leader, aint it? *shudder*

and so at all times remember all He seeks is "a broken spirit and a contrite heart"... see the church from His eyes... one heart that is pure and true is worth more than a million that are not... let Him tell you what success in ministry is on the last day... meanwhile just plug on faithfully my dear pilgrims... :)

***

*pinch pinch* for me to just keep praying and waiting.. and praying and waiting... and not to try to come up with too many "brillant" ideas for the future, or plan too much by rationale... *silence*...

Status Tracking

Sorry! i know have been missing for sometime from MSN in the day and evenings... and a couple of mails i have yet to reply or sent out.. so well here's just to let you know, yes i am still ALIVE :p

it's just that work is getting more than its fair share of crazy- causing me to not "dare" take too much MC even when i am totally down..
yes, i have finally fallen ill- not too bad i'd say after being so long in a foreign land.. heheheh... and it's been terrible terrible terrible.. the chinese medicine doesnt quite make you drowsy, so even trying to sleep can be such a difficult thing to do with the discomfort. That coupled with my stress level has been causing me nightmares.. eeeks.... but well, good on the road to recovery, i think :p

but on a more upbeat note, my lil sister's here to visit!! hence less time online :p

okies, gotta head back to work.. will see you soon! :)

TGIF!

Not Thank God It's Friday!

But Today God Is First!

*just another cookie for our minds as we go about our chores... so everyday we can say TGIF!! yay!! :p

By faith, not sight (III)

“By faith, I am asking you to marry me” ~ Sekedi asked Fidelia, and they were not yet in a dating relationship. This is to-date the most jaw-dropping proposal I have heard. No, this is not a “spur on the moment” microwaved request by Sekedi- they were friends for a long time before the question; and no the girl did not say yes immediately like in the fairy tale. But this is one proposal, that has left me intrigued.

intrigued because Sekedi really did not know what Fidelia’s response might be- they were not even dating! intrigued because Sekedi had nothing to support his request other than his faith in God to grant him the desires of his heart. intrigued about the spirit and courage behind the question. intrigued because he had nothing but faith to back him up in front of Fidelia.

Of course this does not in anyway lessen the richness and depth of the many many relationships that brewed slowly in the Father’s hands. And neither does it mean that those relationships require any less faith. And it definitely does not lessen the marshmallow effect of any fruitful love story on me. It’s just… I’ve never heard of a proposal like that, ever.

“I love you, please marry me”, “We’re made for each other, please marry me”, but “By faith, please marry me”- it’s a first.

**

“By faith, not sight”- this is a timely reminder for myself, in light of a little hiatus Arthur and me had lately.

I want to remember His assurance to me when I prayed during the days of seeking- “Lord, I don know how this would even work out. it’ll take a lot of faith, You know…” And that is when He gave me the peace to walk through this door. I want to always remember thinking to myself- “the last relationship that I ‘could see work out’ fell right through, so this time round I can hardly see beyond tomorrow, put me in a position of faith and let this be founded on You alone.” I want not only to remember being excited at the unknown future but be genuinely eager always to witness the unfolding of His plan by the days…

To not be paralyzed by fear of “ambiguity” and “losing him”. To not let my neurosis and insecurities get the better of me- getting cold feet thinking about the future, feeling negative about what might possibly lie ahead, letting my thoughts run wild in all possible directions.

But yet on the other hand, a love that cannot withstand doubts, or a relationship that cannot stand tests is one that will have no depth. And having questions is not necessarily a bad thing – if I can doubt God even, why cant I doubt things in this world? But I pray for the Spirit to direct those moments of doubts and have them answered in Him.

“Lord, as I seek to live this life by faith- may it be expressed it through every action and every thought. Forgive me in times when I take my eyes off you. Turn them back to you Jesus and still my heart.. And I know the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of Your glory and grace.”

**

This marks the end of this series on “by faith, not sight”. Hoping that as He has led me through this time of self-search, my musings and struggles have in some way been an encouragement and a blessing to you. Thanks for listening :)

Tenants & Outsiders

The landlord has been increasingly nasty. Forget about the early days when they were delaying the commencement of our tenure by not setting up telecommunication lines and utilities facilities. Forget about failing to keep the initial bargain of renting level one to us, and deliberately withholding the office space so as to once again dig deep into our pockets. They have now come up with bizarre techniques to “oppress their tenant” that one can only be "amazed" at such incredulity...

Just to name a few:
Not allowing food delivery so as to ensure that we will eat at their canteen;
Discrimination of our staff when we buy food from their canteen;
Not allowing the cab drivers to drive into the compound- and this is the freaking cold winter!
Not helping us call cabs – and we are such a distance off from the main road! :(

And this has led to Akihiro (my Japanese colleague) lamenting the other day “we are outsiders everywhere”… And that comment, together with his genuine forlornness when he said that struck a chord with me…

It made me think about how as man, we always want to be part of the “in crowd”, part of the community, to belong somewhere. Remember how it felt to be “left out”? A time when you were standing outside a group and looking in through a window, wondering how nice it would be to be inside?

And you know something, having been Christians for so long, we have almost forgotten the joy of simply belonging to His family, being part of the kingdom that we once were outsiders. It is not until we know the forlornness of being “outside” and “excluded”, will we experience the bursting joy of being accepted. And be once again arrested by the grace and love that was extended to us.

Ephesians 2: 11-13
Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in the body by the hands of men)— remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.

And to this, I call upon the need of acceptance and inclusitivity in all of our Christian communities. Have we somehow by our actions and private jokes, make anyone who has walked into our midst feel the invisible wall? i know i have... Have we made them outsiders in a place where they hope to find a home? consciously or subconsciously...

And might this be the reason behind the shortage of "new blood" in our ministry? Seeing only those who have been around and blind to the work God might be doing in and through the stranger in our family? Praying that we who have been accepted will too extend the same love in Christ to all.

“There are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God” (Avalon)

Spirit of Truth (I)

This book by David Jackman is such a jewel. Every line so rich with truth and loaded with practical reality that its hard not to read and re-read and contemplate what you've just read. But just as you decide to move on the next line, you want to go back and see if "you've left anything out", and this is such a killer for a slow reader like me.
Will share more in time but well just two nitpicks that i'd thought i'd like to share with you as food for thought this weekend. :)

“We judge by what we’ve seen and heard, rather than by what God promises, and so we become the prisoners of our own limited experiences.”

“Many of us have a sub-Christian experience of what should be ‘in Christ’, because we have left the Spirit so little room in which to operate in our lives. We have taken the controls back into our hands and we are far too ready to tell God what he can or cannot do, in and with us.
Our dependence on God has actually to be total. That is the only condition of spiritual health, and often he disciplines us, through testing and difficult circumstances, to bring us back to this realization, and to regain our spiritual sense about things.
We all like the easy options; it must be part of our fallen human nature.”

Just a reminder

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem;

Not to mention that Friday at Calvary.

Face it, He's crazy about you.

***

Just in case you have forgotten how passionately the God of the Universe loves you, just in case you feel alone in your world, just in case you're wondering if He remembers... He does and is crazy about you :)

Talked to Him today yet? He's waiting little one..

By faith, not sight (II)

He had me pray, to live my life “by faith, not by sight”. These were the words He taught me how to speak, but by His grace I find increasingly, these words echoing the deep longings of my heart.

I have often wondered what it is like to be living life “on the edge”. To wonder when the next meal is; to know His miraculous provision from heaven’s gates, and not just His abundant provision by the paycheck (of course this is NOT at all any second grade exhibit of His grace, and is equally His good way of taking care of His children). Maybe I am naïve, maybe I should be scared at such a prospect, maybe I should be worried. But truth is, I am excited about it. Excited to see how He will put the next piece of bread on the table, excited to see how He will bring what His children need to them in His unimaginable ways, excited to know doubly sure that something is from Him.

After 25 years of my life, I know beyond doubt He is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. On many hungry mornings, a traveling colleague would come round with snacks she brought back~ there, is His provision of breakfast. So real, so many times it has happened. Coincidence? Maybe. But I know it’s Daddy bringing His little girl a snack so she wont be hungry.
Many times after putting money into the offering bag, the church treasurer would come round to return me money that I have long forgotten. His way of showing me- you don become poorer when you’re giving to me.
More than once, He became my car park attendant at crowded parking malls.
And at the supermarket, I would have just enough money to pay for the groceries with only a couple of cents left in my wallet, sometimes with the help of a hidden note in the pocket. That’s Daddy’s giving in to His girl’s bad shopping habits.

He has taken care of me in so many ways and proven Himself so many times. So how can material needs be a concern at all when His promise in Matthew is so clear? “Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them Are you not much more valuable than they?... and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them” By faith in His Word, by faith in His faithfulness in my life, that’s how I want to live my life.

There is much more to consider than my personal material comforts. Even if I were willing to settle, should I make my family suffer? How about bearing the family burden? By sight, I can say His provision comes from work, and for that I am grateful and will gladly work with my hands. But it dawned on me that I need to believe that He will take care of things at home too. No matter how impossible things may seem and how the sums do not seem to add up, He is going to show me how His accounts work. I will still do my math and give the dollars as a daughter and sister should, but He will show me from where He will bring them. Will I have faith when the comforts of my loved ones are at stake? In this, I need to have more! Can I do a better job than the King of the world in taking care of His children? Please give me that faith, Lord.

I am never one who says “God has called me into full-time ministry”. All I can say is that there has been this desire in my heart, and I would be eternally grateful if He will allow me to self indulge and bring Him glory & pleasure, doing something I want to do. As one who knows me, and part of His body to provide godly council, would I have your blessing to pursue it? Would I be constructive and not destructive to the encouragement of the saints?

I pray that you will see with me through eyes of faith, that acting on the passions He has placed on my heart is not a blind leap. I am sharing here so that you will keep me accountable in time to come. Perhaps soon, perhaps in a year or two, all in His good timing. I see the obstacles but He in His grace has given me faith, to trust that “everything will be all right”. I fear now for my obedience, if I will settle for alternative expressions of that passion.

And He almost knows me too well. That’s why in bringing Arthur into my life, I feel like He is giving me wings to pursue the dreams I once had for Him. Embarrassingly crazy little dreams that I had, seem now like a possibility coming true.

I want not to serve Him via human agent bosses any longer. I want to be put on His direct payroll!! To be paid out of Heaven’s Treasury… Daddy, where shall I send my resume to?

Butterfly kisses

He held you when you first arrived as a wailing baby, wish you could have seen the pride that gleamed in his eye... when he looked at you and say "she's mine"...

He watched you grow over the years and so many times wished he had more time to be around you... but he knew his little girl is strong... and despite the physical distance apart, he saw how you were growing to be like him in so many ways... "how is this possible, the apple of my eye..."

He saw you giving up your job and your time, your relationships and treasured past times.. just so you can be around him, to frequent the causeway with him.. just so you can accompany him to the hospital, to sit by his bed at night and watch him sleep.. "such a beautiful spirit, precious heart of mine"

He knew your struggles and all you put up with, he knew how hard you have tried. He knew how much tears you've swallowed, he knew you would have done more if you could and pushed yourself harder if there was a second time... but i know he wished he had a chance to tell you,

"there is nothing more you can do for me coz i know i have received your very very best;
there is no one who makes me prouder than you coz that heart of yours is one of its kind;
i heard the words that were not spoken and saw the family pictures you painted in your mind;
i read the letters you have written and felt the love you had for me inside.

so now my baby girl, i want you to not have regrets, and all i want for you is your utmost joy...
live and love your life for my sake, be who you are and want to be...
do the things you want to do, and go to places you want to go...
thank you for loving me this much, i love you very much too"

好委屈 :(

I feel victimized, a victim of all the political power play, a victim of my boss’s low EQ.

What do you do when your boss sends you a gift for your birthday and telling all your colleagues that “not everyone gets the same treatment”?

What do you do when he tells your fellow workers that “you have a lot to learn from her”?

What do you do if your boss here treads on the toes of your direct boss back at home? And you are at the receiving end of their insecurities in the power game?

**

Dear Valen and Paul,

perhaps you might call this girl naïve in making this attempt, or totally unprofessional for that matter. but I would call this personal letter- one of my walks with you when you go out for a smoke, or a lunch I would ask you out on. So as much as I was tempted to leave things as they are, or maybe address them when I next see you. For fear that I may not have the chance to, or that it may no longer be meaningful to talk about this, would really like to clear the air at this point in time.

Please accept my apologies in failing to observe the protocol on Friday- so to the extent of my oversight, I am sorry. But I think what might be a greater frustration, would be my apparent “side-stepping you”- please do know that has never been my intention.

I think about the times when we Fundamentals analysts would just walk up to TCX analysts to ask them to verify information, or check with the suppliers. We have always been able to just help each other on that front, and keeping the team leader in the loop of things by copying them on the emails. So I interpreted a similar situation on Friday when the analyst from Estimates approached me. I thought it was something we already doing and all it took was to forward a spreadsheet we had, and no significant extra effort was involved. So I just did what we would have typically done in the TCX situation. For my over-estimation of the extent of help analysts can extend to each other, causing me to fail to check with you, I am terribly sorry- please forgive me.

I was also taken by surprise to hear that you saying you were not involved in the decision process of my extension. Because Hao can testify that one question I kept asking him is what does Valen and Paul think? And he told me the management, including Valen, thinks its best for me to extend. The vibes I got from my sparse conversations with you during that time also seemed to indicate that you were in the decision loop? I am not trying to sound noble. But just as an employee who does feel for her company a bit, a factor in my decision to stay is that I would be minimizing disruptions to all parties involved. So I agreed, to what seem to me a sensible thing to do as a team member.

I fully understand how all the pressures have added up by the sheer workload, the inter-location threats, by how Hao might be stepping on your toes during the many meetings you have with each other, or even negative feelings towards me by “leaving the team” (but even if it were not me, someone else would have to go too, right?), my work situations compared to yours, etc etc. And I understand how all these undercurrents are at play during work, so I accept the consequence of their repurcussions. But what I really hope to let you know that, there is absolutely no intention of malice on my part. Cross me heart, I see the value of the things my team leader is doing and am more than happy to be working alongside with someone whom I thought I called a friend at work. I am NOT interested in, nor have any intention to “be in your shoes” for that matter.

You might doubt the intent and tone of this letter- and that might well be the case, as with my previous letter to you. But what I would like to say at this point is that, as a Christian, I seek to serve my God through work. So yes, though I report to you my human bosses, but more so I report to Him. And for Him, He looks at the heart which I conduct my actions. So should I be playing the hypocrite in any of the above, let me be answerable to Him.

Things have been more than a little weird and trying lately, but I guess even if we cannot be relating with our hearts at work, we all have to be professional and move on. And that, I do so with sheer gladness as well.

**

Before God, perhaps the thought to check with Paul did cross my mind very quickly, but I just thought its such a small matter it would not have mattered. So, my carelessness, my bad. Just got to learn this lesson and move on. I will not send the letter out coz I fear it’ll be “throwing pearls to the pigs”~ putting my heart out to be savaged again.

Torn between being skeptical of how they would react to it, and just wanting to be me- brutally honest in all my dealings with people. Tell me what to do? How on earth do I be as shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove at the same time?

I accept that not everything has to have a resolution and some relationships just have to stay at a distance, so i should not be selfish and make them hear what I want to say.

When I see them again, I’m not gonna take these things to heart. I will look at them in the eye, smile and say hi! But I will not “remember to give Paul a hug” and say that “I am so looking forward to see you back here again”. I just hope they don play those games with me. I can take cordial relationships you know.

**

Perhaps it is His nudging for me to get out of the company soon?

But I regret such a situation in light of my contemplation to move on. Am I taking the “easy option” if I choose to leave at this point? Part of me is egged to stay, just to prove myself and that I can handle it. But if I choose to move, am I being a coward and weak? Would my motivation to leave be fuelled by these frustrations? Would my judgment be clouded?

But perhaps, it may be yet another of the Evil’s One’s ploys to make me waver, alongside with family commitments. Be still these voices, wait and listen to Him.