好委屈 :(

I feel victimized, a victim of all the political power play, a victim of my boss’s low EQ.

What do you do when your boss sends you a gift for your birthday and telling all your colleagues that “not everyone gets the same treatment”?

What do you do when he tells your fellow workers that “you have a lot to learn from her”?

What do you do if your boss here treads on the toes of your direct boss back at home? And you are at the receiving end of their insecurities in the power game?

**

Dear Valen and Paul,

perhaps you might call this girl naïve in making this attempt, or totally unprofessional for that matter. but I would call this personal letter- one of my walks with you when you go out for a smoke, or a lunch I would ask you out on. So as much as I was tempted to leave things as they are, or maybe address them when I next see you. For fear that I may not have the chance to, or that it may no longer be meaningful to talk about this, would really like to clear the air at this point in time.

Please accept my apologies in failing to observe the protocol on Friday- so to the extent of my oversight, I am sorry. But I think what might be a greater frustration, would be my apparent “side-stepping you”- please do know that has never been my intention.

I think about the times when we Fundamentals analysts would just walk up to TCX analysts to ask them to verify information, or check with the suppliers. We have always been able to just help each other on that front, and keeping the team leader in the loop of things by copying them on the emails. So I interpreted a similar situation on Friday when the analyst from Estimates approached me. I thought it was something we already doing and all it took was to forward a spreadsheet we had, and no significant extra effort was involved. So I just did what we would have typically done in the TCX situation. For my over-estimation of the extent of help analysts can extend to each other, causing me to fail to check with you, I am terribly sorry- please forgive me.

I was also taken by surprise to hear that you saying you were not involved in the decision process of my extension. Because Hao can testify that one question I kept asking him is what does Valen and Paul think? And he told me the management, including Valen, thinks its best for me to extend. The vibes I got from my sparse conversations with you during that time also seemed to indicate that you were in the decision loop? I am not trying to sound noble. But just as an employee who does feel for her company a bit, a factor in my decision to stay is that I would be minimizing disruptions to all parties involved. So I agreed, to what seem to me a sensible thing to do as a team member.

I fully understand how all the pressures have added up by the sheer workload, the inter-location threats, by how Hao might be stepping on your toes during the many meetings you have with each other, or even negative feelings towards me by “leaving the team” (but even if it were not me, someone else would have to go too, right?), my work situations compared to yours, etc etc. And I understand how all these undercurrents are at play during work, so I accept the consequence of their repurcussions. But what I really hope to let you know that, there is absolutely no intention of malice on my part. Cross me heart, I see the value of the things my team leader is doing and am more than happy to be working alongside with someone whom I thought I called a friend at work. I am NOT interested in, nor have any intention to “be in your shoes” for that matter.

You might doubt the intent and tone of this letter- and that might well be the case, as with my previous letter to you. But what I would like to say at this point is that, as a Christian, I seek to serve my God through work. So yes, though I report to you my human bosses, but more so I report to Him. And for Him, He looks at the heart which I conduct my actions. So should I be playing the hypocrite in any of the above, let me be answerable to Him.

Things have been more than a little weird and trying lately, but I guess even if we cannot be relating with our hearts at work, we all have to be professional and move on. And that, I do so with sheer gladness as well.

**

Before God, perhaps the thought to check with Paul did cross my mind very quickly, but I just thought its such a small matter it would not have mattered. So, my carelessness, my bad. Just got to learn this lesson and move on. I will not send the letter out coz I fear it’ll be “throwing pearls to the pigs”~ putting my heart out to be savaged again.

Torn between being skeptical of how they would react to it, and just wanting to be me- brutally honest in all my dealings with people. Tell me what to do? How on earth do I be as shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove at the same time?

I accept that not everything has to have a resolution and some relationships just have to stay at a distance, so i should not be selfish and make them hear what I want to say.

When I see them again, I’m not gonna take these things to heart. I will look at them in the eye, smile and say hi! But I will not “remember to give Paul a hug” and say that “I am so looking forward to see you back here again”. I just hope they don play those games with me. I can take cordial relationships you know.

**

Perhaps it is His nudging for me to get out of the company soon?

But I regret such a situation in light of my contemplation to move on. Am I taking the “easy option” if I choose to leave at this point? Part of me is egged to stay, just to prove myself and that I can handle it. But if I choose to move, am I being a coward and weak? Would my motivation to leave be fuelled by these frustrations? Would my judgment be clouded?

But perhaps, it may be yet another of the Evil’s One’s ploys to make me waver, alongside with family commitments. Be still these voices, wait and listen to Him.