Things You say...

Dear God,

how can man live a life for you today, with tomorrow in sight? how do I live a life of faith for you this year, while balancing preparations for the years after? I know you say do not worry about tomorrow and I know I will find you there providing still next year, so I ask of you this day, to tell me loud and clear.

I know you have given me good options, plausible possibilities- once again evidence of Your good provision. it’s an answer to my heart’s desire, it’s a dream come true, it’s a way out of my dire circumstances, it’s a sensible thing to receive if given, and it’s a place I can see you at work, it’s from you I am sure. I’ve wondered if this was a test, but you have reminded me you’re no accuser, no deliberate tester.
You are my loving Heavenly Father, and gave me Your best. You did not withhold Your Son, Your only son. And now You show me, You will always open a way for me- and truth be told, that is all I have but also the very best.
Like the woman who dropped the two copper coins, I want to give you all I have Lord. I want to give you the only way You have given to me for this circumstance. Like Abraham who laid His best on the altar, I want to surrender Your answer to my heart’s desire and possible fulfillment of a dream to you. Like a warrior who 自断后路 (leaving no course of retreat), will I have the courage to take that step of faith? Help me Lord, show me Thy way.

it’s a strange kind of morbidity, I never seem to be able to see past tomorrow. And so I ask if there might be anything I might regret if tomorrow never comes. If this year was my last, how will I live it? I will settle things at home and then join Art back here. I have not done a perfect job, but at least I have tried my best in all my weaknesses to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to my parents and sister in my last twenty five years. And now, He has given me the man for whom I can try to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to a woman since Eve. Not changing responsibilities, not in the least. Just new responsibilities, additional responsibilities. I want to serve alongside with him, wherever he chooses to be- so he can put his whole heart into Your work here, and not have to deal with my absence; and we can together labor and just be beside each other as You have graciously allowed us to.

Is it not with abandonment that the early church lived such radical lives? Waiting for Your return, living like there was no tomorrow, praying your Kingdom come… Your Kingdom is what I want to be living and working for Lord. i know its not about the fulfilling of a great “ministry” plan next year, , it’s simply living each day in that place where You rule- over my every thought, every deed. Lead my steps Lord, lead me to do the things You want me to do.

I am excited about Your work here Lord, You are at work- but living in Beijing will be a cross I have to carry if You bring me here :p. I am excited about Your work at home, You are at work- everywhere. So pray tell, which piece of the puzzle do I fit in now?

Just ramblings Lord, I am not anxious. Waiting to see You unravel Your plan in me, just trying to make sense of all the voices thus far. You tell me things loud and clear, please graciously do so for me this time round. Praying You’ll have me listen to You in the deepest of my hearts and obey.