TGIF!

Not Thank God It's Friday!

But Today God Is First!

*just another cookie for our minds as we go about our chores... so everyday we can say TGIF!! yay!! :p

By faith, not sight (III)

“By faith, I am asking you to marry me” ~ Sekedi asked Fidelia, and they were not yet in a dating relationship. This is to-date the most jaw-dropping proposal I have heard. No, this is not a “spur on the moment” microwaved request by Sekedi- they were friends for a long time before the question; and no the girl did not say yes immediately like in the fairy tale. But this is one proposal, that has left me intrigued.

intrigued because Sekedi really did not know what Fidelia’s response might be- they were not even dating! intrigued because Sekedi had nothing to support his request other than his faith in God to grant him the desires of his heart. intrigued about the spirit and courage behind the question. intrigued because he had nothing but faith to back him up in front of Fidelia.

Of course this does not in anyway lessen the richness and depth of the many many relationships that brewed slowly in the Father’s hands. And neither does it mean that those relationships require any less faith. And it definitely does not lessen the marshmallow effect of any fruitful love story on me. It’s just… I’ve never heard of a proposal like that, ever.

“I love you, please marry me”, “We’re made for each other, please marry me”, but “By faith, please marry me”- it’s a first.

**

“By faith, not sight”- this is a timely reminder for myself, in light of a little hiatus Arthur and me had lately.

I want to remember His assurance to me when I prayed during the days of seeking- “Lord, I don know how this would even work out. it’ll take a lot of faith, You know…” And that is when He gave me the peace to walk through this door. I want to always remember thinking to myself- “the last relationship that I ‘could see work out’ fell right through, so this time round I can hardly see beyond tomorrow, put me in a position of faith and let this be founded on You alone.” I want not only to remember being excited at the unknown future but be genuinely eager always to witness the unfolding of His plan by the days…

To not be paralyzed by fear of “ambiguity” and “losing him”. To not let my neurosis and insecurities get the better of me- getting cold feet thinking about the future, feeling negative about what might possibly lie ahead, letting my thoughts run wild in all possible directions.

But yet on the other hand, a love that cannot withstand doubts, or a relationship that cannot stand tests is one that will have no depth. And having questions is not necessarily a bad thing – if I can doubt God even, why cant I doubt things in this world? But I pray for the Spirit to direct those moments of doubts and have them answered in Him.

“Lord, as I seek to live this life by faith- may it be expressed it through every action and every thought. Forgive me in times when I take my eyes off you. Turn them back to you Jesus and still my heart.. And I know the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of Your glory and grace.”

**

This marks the end of this series on “by faith, not sight”. Hoping that as He has led me through this time of self-search, my musings and struggles have in some way been an encouragement and a blessing to you. Thanks for listening :)

Tenants & Outsiders

The landlord has been increasingly nasty. Forget about the early days when they were delaying the commencement of our tenure by not setting up telecommunication lines and utilities facilities. Forget about failing to keep the initial bargain of renting level one to us, and deliberately withholding the office space so as to once again dig deep into our pockets. They have now come up with bizarre techniques to “oppress their tenant” that one can only be "amazed" at such incredulity...

Just to name a few:
Not allowing food delivery so as to ensure that we will eat at their canteen;
Discrimination of our staff when we buy food from their canteen;
Not allowing the cab drivers to drive into the compound- and this is the freaking cold winter!
Not helping us call cabs – and we are such a distance off from the main road! :(

And this has led to Akihiro (my Japanese colleague) lamenting the other day “we are outsiders everywhere”… And that comment, together with his genuine forlornness when he said that struck a chord with me…

It made me think about how as man, we always want to be part of the “in crowd”, part of the community, to belong somewhere. Remember how it felt to be “left out”? A time when you were standing outside a group and looking in through a window, wondering how nice it would be to be inside?

And you know something, having been Christians for so long, we have almost forgotten the joy of simply belonging to His family, being part of the kingdom that we once were outsiders. It is not until we know the forlornness of being “outside” and “excluded”, will we experience the bursting joy of being accepted. And be once again arrested by the grace and love that was extended to us.

Ephesians 2: 11-13
Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called "uncircumcised" by those who call themselves "the circumcision" (that done in the body by the hands of men)— remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.

And to this, I call upon the need of acceptance and inclusitivity in all of our Christian communities. Have we somehow by our actions and private jokes, make anyone who has walked into our midst feel the invisible wall? i know i have... Have we made them outsiders in a place where they hope to find a home? consciously or subconsciously...

And might this be the reason behind the shortage of "new blood" in our ministry? Seeing only those who have been around and blind to the work God might be doing in and through the stranger in our family? Praying that we who have been accepted will too extend the same love in Christ to all.

“There are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God” (Avalon)

Spirit of Truth (I)

This book by David Jackman is such a jewel. Every line so rich with truth and loaded with practical reality that its hard not to read and re-read and contemplate what you've just read. But just as you decide to move on the next line, you want to go back and see if "you've left anything out", and this is such a killer for a slow reader like me.
Will share more in time but well just two nitpicks that i'd thought i'd like to share with you as food for thought this weekend. :)

“We judge by what we’ve seen and heard, rather than by what God promises, and so we become the prisoners of our own limited experiences.”

“Many of us have a sub-Christian experience of what should be ‘in Christ’, because we have left the Spirit so little room in which to operate in our lives. We have taken the controls back into our hands and we are far too ready to tell God what he can or cannot do, in and with us.
Our dependence on God has actually to be total. That is the only condition of spiritual health, and often he disciplines us, through testing and difficult circumstances, to bring us back to this realization, and to regain our spiritual sense about things.
We all like the easy options; it must be part of our fallen human nature.”

Just a reminder

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.

He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem;

Not to mention that Friday at Calvary.

Face it, He's crazy about you.

***

Just in case you have forgotten how passionately the God of the Universe loves you, just in case you feel alone in your world, just in case you're wondering if He remembers... He does and is crazy about you :)

Talked to Him today yet? He's waiting little one..

By faith, not sight (II)

He had me pray, to live my life “by faith, not by sight”. These were the words He taught me how to speak, but by His grace I find increasingly, these words echoing the deep longings of my heart.

I have often wondered what it is like to be living life “on the edge”. To wonder when the next meal is; to know His miraculous provision from heaven’s gates, and not just His abundant provision by the paycheck (of course this is NOT at all any second grade exhibit of His grace, and is equally His good way of taking care of His children). Maybe I am naïve, maybe I should be scared at such a prospect, maybe I should be worried. But truth is, I am excited about it. Excited to see how He will put the next piece of bread on the table, excited to see how He will bring what His children need to them in His unimaginable ways, excited to know doubly sure that something is from Him.

After 25 years of my life, I know beyond doubt He is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. On many hungry mornings, a traveling colleague would come round with snacks she brought back~ there, is His provision of breakfast. So real, so many times it has happened. Coincidence? Maybe. But I know it’s Daddy bringing His little girl a snack so she wont be hungry.
Many times after putting money into the offering bag, the church treasurer would come round to return me money that I have long forgotten. His way of showing me- you don become poorer when you’re giving to me.
More than once, He became my car park attendant at crowded parking malls.
And at the supermarket, I would have just enough money to pay for the groceries with only a couple of cents left in my wallet, sometimes with the help of a hidden note in the pocket. That’s Daddy’s giving in to His girl’s bad shopping habits.

He has taken care of me in so many ways and proven Himself so many times. So how can material needs be a concern at all when His promise in Matthew is so clear? “Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them Are you not much more valuable than they?... and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them” By faith in His Word, by faith in His faithfulness in my life, that’s how I want to live my life.

There is much more to consider than my personal material comforts. Even if I were willing to settle, should I make my family suffer? How about bearing the family burden? By sight, I can say His provision comes from work, and for that I am grateful and will gladly work with my hands. But it dawned on me that I need to believe that He will take care of things at home too. No matter how impossible things may seem and how the sums do not seem to add up, He is going to show me how His accounts work. I will still do my math and give the dollars as a daughter and sister should, but He will show me from where He will bring them. Will I have faith when the comforts of my loved ones are at stake? In this, I need to have more! Can I do a better job than the King of the world in taking care of His children? Please give me that faith, Lord.

I am never one who says “God has called me into full-time ministry”. All I can say is that there has been this desire in my heart, and I would be eternally grateful if He will allow me to self indulge and bring Him glory & pleasure, doing something I want to do. As one who knows me, and part of His body to provide godly council, would I have your blessing to pursue it? Would I be constructive and not destructive to the encouragement of the saints?

I pray that you will see with me through eyes of faith, that acting on the passions He has placed on my heart is not a blind leap. I am sharing here so that you will keep me accountable in time to come. Perhaps soon, perhaps in a year or two, all in His good timing. I see the obstacles but He in His grace has given me faith, to trust that “everything will be all right”. I fear now for my obedience, if I will settle for alternative expressions of that passion.

And He almost knows me too well. That’s why in bringing Arthur into my life, I feel like He is giving me wings to pursue the dreams I once had for Him. Embarrassingly crazy little dreams that I had, seem now like a possibility coming true.

I want not to serve Him via human agent bosses any longer. I want to be put on His direct payroll!! To be paid out of Heaven’s Treasury… Daddy, where shall I send my resume to?

Butterfly kisses

He held you when you first arrived as a wailing baby, wish you could have seen the pride that gleamed in his eye... when he looked at you and say "she's mine"...

He watched you grow over the years and so many times wished he had more time to be around you... but he knew his little girl is strong... and despite the physical distance apart, he saw how you were growing to be like him in so many ways... "how is this possible, the apple of my eye..."

He saw you giving up your job and your time, your relationships and treasured past times.. just so you can be around him, to frequent the causeway with him.. just so you can accompany him to the hospital, to sit by his bed at night and watch him sleep.. "such a beautiful spirit, precious heart of mine"

He knew your struggles and all you put up with, he knew how hard you have tried. He knew how much tears you've swallowed, he knew you would have done more if you could and pushed yourself harder if there was a second time... but i know he wished he had a chance to tell you,

"there is nothing more you can do for me coz i know i have received your very very best;
there is no one who makes me prouder than you coz that heart of yours is one of its kind;
i heard the words that were not spoken and saw the family pictures you painted in your mind;
i read the letters you have written and felt the love you had for me inside.

so now my baby girl, i want you to not have regrets, and all i want for you is your utmost joy...
live and love your life for my sake, be who you are and want to be...
do the things you want to do, and go to places you want to go...
thank you for loving me this much, i love you very much too"

好委屈 :(

I feel victimized, a victim of all the political power play, a victim of my boss’s low EQ.

What do you do when your boss sends you a gift for your birthday and telling all your colleagues that “not everyone gets the same treatment”?

What do you do when he tells your fellow workers that “you have a lot to learn from her”?

What do you do if your boss here treads on the toes of your direct boss back at home? And you are at the receiving end of their insecurities in the power game?

**

Dear Valen and Paul,

perhaps you might call this girl naïve in making this attempt, or totally unprofessional for that matter. but I would call this personal letter- one of my walks with you when you go out for a smoke, or a lunch I would ask you out on. So as much as I was tempted to leave things as they are, or maybe address them when I next see you. For fear that I may not have the chance to, or that it may no longer be meaningful to talk about this, would really like to clear the air at this point in time.

Please accept my apologies in failing to observe the protocol on Friday- so to the extent of my oversight, I am sorry. But I think what might be a greater frustration, would be my apparent “side-stepping you”- please do know that has never been my intention.

I think about the times when we Fundamentals analysts would just walk up to TCX analysts to ask them to verify information, or check with the suppliers. We have always been able to just help each other on that front, and keeping the team leader in the loop of things by copying them on the emails. So I interpreted a similar situation on Friday when the analyst from Estimates approached me. I thought it was something we already doing and all it took was to forward a spreadsheet we had, and no significant extra effort was involved. So I just did what we would have typically done in the TCX situation. For my over-estimation of the extent of help analysts can extend to each other, causing me to fail to check with you, I am terribly sorry- please forgive me.

I was also taken by surprise to hear that you saying you were not involved in the decision process of my extension. Because Hao can testify that one question I kept asking him is what does Valen and Paul think? And he told me the management, including Valen, thinks its best for me to extend. The vibes I got from my sparse conversations with you during that time also seemed to indicate that you were in the decision loop? I am not trying to sound noble. But just as an employee who does feel for her company a bit, a factor in my decision to stay is that I would be minimizing disruptions to all parties involved. So I agreed, to what seem to me a sensible thing to do as a team member.

I fully understand how all the pressures have added up by the sheer workload, the inter-location threats, by how Hao might be stepping on your toes during the many meetings you have with each other, or even negative feelings towards me by “leaving the team” (but even if it were not me, someone else would have to go too, right?), my work situations compared to yours, etc etc. And I understand how all these undercurrents are at play during work, so I accept the consequence of their repurcussions. But what I really hope to let you know that, there is absolutely no intention of malice on my part. Cross me heart, I see the value of the things my team leader is doing and am more than happy to be working alongside with someone whom I thought I called a friend at work. I am NOT interested in, nor have any intention to “be in your shoes” for that matter.

You might doubt the intent and tone of this letter- and that might well be the case, as with my previous letter to you. But what I would like to say at this point is that, as a Christian, I seek to serve my God through work. So yes, though I report to you my human bosses, but more so I report to Him. And for Him, He looks at the heart which I conduct my actions. So should I be playing the hypocrite in any of the above, let me be answerable to Him.

Things have been more than a little weird and trying lately, but I guess even if we cannot be relating with our hearts at work, we all have to be professional and move on. And that, I do so with sheer gladness as well.

**

Before God, perhaps the thought to check with Paul did cross my mind very quickly, but I just thought its such a small matter it would not have mattered. So, my carelessness, my bad. Just got to learn this lesson and move on. I will not send the letter out coz I fear it’ll be “throwing pearls to the pigs”~ putting my heart out to be savaged again.

Torn between being skeptical of how they would react to it, and just wanting to be me- brutally honest in all my dealings with people. Tell me what to do? How on earth do I be as shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove at the same time?

I accept that not everything has to have a resolution and some relationships just have to stay at a distance, so i should not be selfish and make them hear what I want to say.

When I see them again, I’m not gonna take these things to heart. I will look at them in the eye, smile and say hi! But I will not “remember to give Paul a hug” and say that “I am so looking forward to see you back here again”. I just hope they don play those games with me. I can take cordial relationships you know.

**

Perhaps it is His nudging for me to get out of the company soon?

But I regret such a situation in light of my contemplation to move on. Am I taking the “easy option” if I choose to leave at this point? Part of me is egged to stay, just to prove myself and that I can handle it. But if I choose to move, am I being a coward and weak? Would my motivation to leave be fuelled by these frustrations? Would my judgment be clouded?

But perhaps, it may be yet another of the Evil’s One’s ploys to make me waver, alongside with family commitments. Be still these voices, wait and listen to Him.

Mini Tagboard

Hey there, since i am too unsavvy to be putting a tagboard on my blog, shall use this space to serve the same function too.

Hey Syl, thanks so so much for your comment!! Am sure Arthur's dying to respond to you, but he first has to deal with the frustration of being unable to log onto this blog first hehe..will leave you two to link up when you do :)
And you remember what you told me before i leave? what i want to say is that, that girl is back :) That she is so overflowing with thanksgiving and exclaiming how good her God is...
you all might not believe this, but true part of this joy comes from His gift in this amazing person He has just brought into her life... but even more so, the greater joy for me is to see His hand so clearly in all her life and be excited at the journey He has in store for her ahead.. more later.. but yeah, i just wanted to tell you that the girl you hope to see is back, and i hope you will stand in agreement when you see me next :)

And Xiying, thanks for sharing my joy... you are no less His encouragement and inspiration to me all these years.. plug on bro!! how are things? and how's soaking in all the wonderful teaching?? envious :) :)

By faith, not sight (I)

Bryan got a one-way ticket to China, just wanting to spend sometime here to pick up the language. Not knowing if he’ll like it here, uncertain of what lies ahead but decided to do it anyway, and I don think he has the money to buy a ticket home yet. This sounds like an insane idea to many. And I may well applaud it out of a carpe dium, cest la vie attitude. But his dare-to-do approach to life is honestly, not as mad as it sounds upon careful calculation. At the end of the day, what is the worst thing that can happen? Perhaps, totally dreading the life here. And so the worst scenario is just to spend sometime working to earn enough money for a ticket home, right? Even serving as a waiter, there will come a time when the dollars earned will be sufficient for a trip home.

Been thinking a bit about the difference between the “typical” American-free and Singaporean-safe approach to life. I guess much can be concluded simply by comparing a government that runs on a deficit vs a government that builds a surplus. This is not an economic discourse on which is better, but what I want to challenge (NOT repudiate) is the fixation of the society notions of “savings” and “security” I have been brought up under.

Savings is good, and prudent and necessary for a rainy day, for fulfilling family responsibilities, for special purposes, for a certain level of security. But is it a MUST to save to buy a flat? Can one not use what is within the means of one’s pay to rent one? How much shall one save for their children’s education? Can one not choose a school that the family can afford within its income? And of course one must realize that the above lifestyle is a living-out-of-each-month’s paycheck with little to contribute to a savings account. But even if so, what does it matter as long as one is not living in unhealthy debt? And how much does a fat bank account matter, when one’s life is taken away from him the next day?

Do not be mistaken, I am not condoning the economy built on credit, nor rooting for a “spend every cent you’ve got” kind of lifestyle, and sadly, not about to empty my bank account either (even though it isn’t much to begin with). But it is evident that when one worries about the rate of growth of one’s wealth, monetary decisions become a lot heavier. Whether or not to leave a high paying job becomes a lot harder. But when one has a simple lifestyle to begin with, one will realize that it is not as difficult to get by and the trade-off is just changing the size of the account balance from “L” to “S”.

Between the death of one’s dreams and one’s bank account, between a life lived fully and a life lived less than full, between the regrets at fifty “I wish I did that” and “I wish I had that”, how will the stakes match up? And when the stake is His dreams for you, and the choice is between a journey He has planned and a life you can work out with your hands and see with your eyes, what would you choose? By faith or by sight?

I am tempted to rattle on, but there is much much more in my heart and I shall save it for part (II). But I guess what I hope to do in the above, is to show anyone who might brand my considerations to “leave a high-flying career in Reuters” insane, I am NOT. Because even with a human eye, the cost is probably just a lower paying job, a smaller bank account, fewer & cheaper splurges, or at most a few years of my life~ if people in other parts of the world can be living by that, why cant i?
Nor am I acting on impulse, simplistically overlooking my responsibilities to my family- I am as committed as ever to providing for it and carrying the burdens as I am to do.

But I feel the time has come. Come for me to address the stirrings in my heart. The buried dreams that He might be resurrecting, the promises made in tears for so many years that He so graciously might be helping me fulfill… More later.

His plan for your mate

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone: to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But, God to a Christian says, no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me, alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. To having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me, alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I plan for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, really united with another, exclusive of anyone, or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best, please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me...expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. And keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait, that's all...wait. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things that others have gotten or I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep on looking off and away to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready , I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, and I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepare for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.

I want to see in you, in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. And I want you to enjoy materially, the everlasting union and beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. I know that I love you utterly. I am El Shaddai-most loving Father, God Almighty. Believe it and be satisfied and I will satisfy you.

Author unknown

***

A friend sent me the above years ago. I usually pay little heed to those mass circulated "feel good" inspirational messages but somehow when i first read it, i remembered Him speaking. So despite the skepticism of this one with little faith, i saved it... and read it many times in my single days, praying "bring us together at Your time, when You have prepared us for each other".

And when you have found that someone who is the answer to your prayers and you know beyond doubt that He has brought him here, you find yourself on your knees... speechless...

So all i can say to those who are waiting, take faith and believe in Him... Not because of anything else, nor because of my testimony, but because He is as He says He is. Believe Him, believe that He loves you and believe that He has the BEST in store for you, just keep your eyes on Him and seek Him first.. And let Him take you round that corner, surprise you and sweep you off your feet. :)

At the beginning

It has taken me a while to start sharing about my new journey here. And like I said, this is just a start. And I have chosen to start because I know you who are reading this, is someone important to me and I want you to know; and this place where I share my deepest thoughts just would not be complete if I kept this part away. And so here I am, to tell you, that yes I have met someone.

Someone who has made me feel special like no other friend ever has. Someone with whom I have a connection with, like no other in all my life. Someone who overwhelms me with God’s goodness and plan that this is happening. Someone whom I know, knows and loves me for who I am. Someone whom I cant believe I have so much to talk about with. Someone whom I love being around. Someone whom I want something to be baking in this electric oven. That someone- hey there, please meet Arthur, Arthur Kok. (And I can say with 100% certainty that he wants to know you too, so say “Hi Arthur!”)

I know there are many questions- along so many different lines. Will answer them by and by. But for now, I just want to say I know you might be concerned. Worried that I might have rushed into things, worried that I might not know what I am doing being lonely and vulnerable in a foreign land, worried for me. But what I’ll ask that if you know me, trust me. Or at least trust His work in me, that He has made me complete in Him- that I am not “using another” to feel an emotional void; that He has caused His little one to grow up a bit- that I am keeping my eyes firmly fixed on Him and waiting on Him to work this out in a way that brings Him glory; that He has taught me much on relationships and has prepared me for him, for this; that His hand is in this.

I have been for a long time been shrugging away the possibility, because it is all too crazy… But that has ironically allowed a friendship to grow and blossom naturally. (Although I know he tells a different story) But today, am just confronted by Him- that I need to quit standing at the door and to eat from His table, the banquet where He has a feast that is beyond the best feast a human mind can imagine. That I need to dare to embrace the plans that He has in store, that I need to have faith and believe in His goodness to me, that I need to look away from me to Him. So although I have made the first step without you there, but He and some loved ones were. And henceforth, would love for you to be on this journey with us too.

Sorry that this entry has been a tat self-centered piece on relationship, and there are lots more i so so want to share- about him, about the hows and whys and blahs and blahs. Not too much too soon, gotta keep you in suspense. heh.

Right now, just moving along with the rhythm of this dance, praying that I’ll have you witness His miraculous choreography and cheering us on.

For all of you...

There is a Higher Throne

Keith Getty

There is a higher throne,
Than all this world has known,
Where faithful ones from every tongue,
Will one day come.
Before the Son we’ll stand,
Made faultless through the Lamb,
Believing hearts find promised grace,
Salvation comes

Hear heaven’s voices sing,
Their thunderous anthem rings through
Emerald courts and sapphire skies,
Their praises rise
All glory, wisdom, power,
Strength, thanks and honor are to God,
Our King who reigns on high,
Forever more

And there we’ll find our home,
Our life before the throne,
We’ll honor Him in perfect song,
Where we belong.
He’ll wipe each tear-stained eye,
And thirst and hunger die,
The Lamb becomes our Shepherd King,
We’ll reign with Him

***

Dedicating one of my favourite songs to a very special family of faith whom i have never met.

She has gone first before you to the throne that sits above all the earth. And there she stands before the Son in perfection, in all His glory- finding the fulfillment of all the promises she has held on to all her life.
Rejoice with the angels as she runs through the emerald courts and sapphire skies with them, walking the paths of gold beside the silver sea. She has found her home, her life before the throne, honoring Him in perfect song where she rightfully belongs.

He'll wipe each of your tear-stained eye that day when you see her again. Where all thirstings, hunger and longings of this world will pass away, and you will ALL reign together with our Shepherd King- bringing Him glory and honor.

Praying that the hope of an eternity spent together, will help you through the grief of this temporal seperation. And know that in moments of weakness when the pain of the loss is a starker reality than the kingdom above, He understands and His grace will be more than sufficient for you. Above all, give thanks for the faith He has given to her and each of you, that you can be sure of all that you hope for and be completely certain of the future that you cannot see- because He lives!

Have you ever?

Just some poignant moments over the weekend…

Ever waited for someone without feeling impatient? Appreciating the certainty of this wait because you knew you never have to wait too long and that he would definitely come by.

Ever stood "outside" and watch people scurry you by? Thankful that you have that moment to stand still to appreciate the city in its night lights, to wonder the destination of the passer-bys, and to feel blessed for people you have in your life. Thankful for each stranger who became a friend, for each person you crossed paths with because so easily they could just have been the one who walked you by.

Ever woke up in a cab looking out of the frosted glass into the rain? Wondering what life is all about and your place in this huge big world- where the clock keeps ticking, cars keep speeding and the world just keeps revolving. And the sweet joy whelming from inside because you are known by the One above, and you are not lost in the multitudes.

Family times in BJ

Collecting thoughts of my family’s (sans my little sister, bleah!) visit over the last two weeks. Too many precious memories, the pictures will do a better job of sharing the moments with you but here, I just want to leave trails of my heart strings.

After almost three months, I can finally do something I love to do back at home each day. A tiny ritual that is to me a simple pleasure of life, because it celebrates the existence of family and a place called home. Thanks to dad, mum and da-gu, I can step into my room after work, announce my arrival “我回来了!” and know for sure that this time, more than the four walls are there to greet me. Blessed, thank God for the family.

Dad has aged so much… As I review the pictures, it almost breaks my heart to see the lines crawling on his face. The face that causes his daughters to pine for his attention and love, the face that has brought the family much heartache and joy. Each time I hold his hand, look at him or talk to him, all I want him to know is that I love him so so much. And words that were missing this Father’s day finally found their way to my heart in certainty- that I would never trade him for any other person to be my dad. No matter what happens or how he fall shorts of the perfect father, he is MY daddy. i love you, papa...

Snapshot: I am preparing dinner for mummy, thankful that I can do something for her. Then Mum asked a couple of “irrelevant and redundant” questions, my eyebrows knit together and I feel a wild tantrum surging. Thank God for the Holy Spirit for self-control, so I answer her despite the urge to ignore and not answer her at all. Same old horrible me. witch :(
It is such a strange thing to be aware of His work in progress in your life. I want to kick myself for being so un-loving, and having so little of Christ in me yet. But I am thankful to see the Spirit that is at work within me, otherwise I would not feel bad at all. I pray for a day when I can take the naggings and ramblings of the older generation without a hint of impatience nor the need to control my bad temper.

Da-gu has been so apologetic and 客气 during her stay here. So much so it is painful. Is it the lack of love in her life that causes her to be unable to receive with an open heart? Always finding some way to return or repay? Always seeing herself as a burden and trying to keep out of people’s way? I wish she really knew that my brash-ness towards her is a result of the undoubting love I know we have for each other.

And now, just waiting for my moomoo to come visit me sooooooon……

Love (III)

Sharing a very sweet email from a friend... his favourite poem that spoke so much to me...

LOVE (III) by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";

Love said, "You shall be he."

"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,

I cannot look on thee.

"Love took my hand and smiling did reply,

"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame

Go where it doth deserve."

"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"

"My dear, then I will serve."

"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."

So I did sit and eat.

"I'm not worthy to be delighted in. Confronted with Jesus's beauty and purity, I only think of how I have marred every gift he has ever given. I cannot look him in the eye. And when Jesus would invite me to his banqueting table, I'd rather linger at the back of the room and look from afar. Now, there is nothing wrong with admiring God from afar and praising him as if we were only a keeper at the door. Indeed, there is a beauty and joy in this that is sharp and dear to me.

Yet, in this poem, Love sweetly, insistently, inexorably breaks through the excuses of the speaker. Love understands that all the hesitancy is based on legitimate truths--yes we have marred the eyes he has given us--but he takes the blame. In the end, we are pulled to where we belong--eating the best of the best at the head table with the King, our Father. .... Doubt everything else in the world . . . but never doubt that. :)"

Psalm 23

Going through this video series “That the world may know” in small group now. It follows a group trip in Israel, looking at the nation n excavation findings to help us appreciate the cultural, physical and social context in the Bible better. This week, we looked at the wilderness and sheep rearing in Israel. And it shed an entire new light on Psalm 23.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters”

The picture that so easily comes to mind reading that two verses, would be lush green fields and the sheep grazing in the abundant grass. But looking at Israel’s terrain, where brown is seen more often than green, it doesn’t take much to realize that THAT picture may not quite be David’s experience when he wrote the Psalm. And so Ray (the teacher) highlighted that the sheep needed the shepherd to lead them to a green pasture each day. Not so a case of “not being in want” because of the plentiful greens; but more so a daily trusting and following the good shepherd to bring them to what they need for each day.

And so is this not how it is with God’s provision in our lives? So often we lament that the Shepherd is not good enough because we are not in lush fields. But the Good Shepherd promises to give us our daily bread. And I shall not be in want because I know His grace is sufficient for me today. Wondering about tomorrow’s green pasture causes worry, but will the Good Shepherd not bring us to the green pasture tomorrow as He did yesterday and today?

Not just so for physical needs- but in everything. The grace to handle the challenges at work or in school, the strength to persevere in living by faith, the courage to face the unknown, the love for people around… He is Jehovah Jireh.

And in light of some of the “big questions” of life I am musing about, this comes as His comforting reply. Is it finally time for me to leave my job so I can spend more time in ministry? And where? In what capacity? Is He calling me to spend a bit more time in China? I will trust my Lord to lead me day by day, I shall just be faithful in being His silly little sheep, to see no more than His feet.

***

Incoherent Ramblings...

Feeling that I’m “in new grounds” in my walk with Him of late, grounds that I’ve never been before. A bit overwhelmed each time He would involve me, a bit excited and scared about the prospects that can possibly lie ahead, a bit thinking “He's too good to me”…
~
Feeling I am somehow “not getting Him still”. Realized I relate more to the woman who would gladly pick up scraps from under the table rather than as His princess. Though desiring to be sitting in His arms in eternity, I prayed from asking for a seat by His feet to being able to see Him from afar.

~

Feeling i need to fight the devil's lies and my insecurities to embrace the truth that I am really THAT special to Him.

He called me princess…

Have been getting more than my fair share of queries on my current MSN nick… So well in true celebrity style (how can I disappoint my fans :p), let me now make a public statement on that.

“Who called you princess?”
~ Two human voices were His agents that very special day… So in one way, yes, someone did call me princess- two very special people in fact. (you know who you are :) )But I need to confess that I didn’t quite feel like one when I heard them call me that.

“I am a princess because my Father is the King of kings!”
~ Then I remembered at about the same time last year, it was His birthday gift to me- a sermon and a shirt given by my sister with the above printed message. I remember the ordinary birthday suddenly coming alive. And this memory worked magic into the words that were sent to me this year.

“He called me princess”
~ I don even know what to say. He called me princess. And if there is one thing I dare speak of in the presence of this staggering grace… to my fellow brothers and sisters, He too says “YOU are MY little prince and princess”...

When God ran, when the Father rushes to the prodigal one, when the Most High picks up filthy pieces of clay and labels as His gems... He called me princess... His princess.

*crack*hatch*waaaa*

On this day that this dino has roamed the face of the earth for a quarter of a century, she’s got a couple of things bursting from within… so if you would feed her self indulgence, read on at your own risk!

so many times she’d picture herself at her last breath and wondered what life would look like then, and she realizes she has nothing she ever really owned nor had, save for her Maker, Potter and Shepherd. and nothing that really mattered at the end, save for the hope she has of waking up in eternal glory above. so for He who gave Himself to give her LIFE, she accords her biggest thanks… for the cross- the love, the sacrifice, the grace, the truth that it symbolize. THANK YOU.

she is their little princess and they’ve given her the best they knew how to… from life’s first breath they are His agents of life, provision, love and care… even more so His vessels to form Christ within her. even through storms and angry words, she knew they’d always be there… and it hurts to know that she has never loved them enough. so to her king and queen, thank YOU.

for who she is and all that she means to her, she is her star, her joy and pride. always at the receiving end of her whinest whine, darkest thought, deepest cry, maddest blow… she is overwhelmed that one would know her all her life and be there to love this ugly duckling still. She is to her His best gift to her ever. to her baby sister, thank YOU.

she continues to be amazed at those who want to be her friend. why they would choose to associate with her and set their affections on her puzzles her. why would they sense her absence or want her in their life is bewildering still. those who have come and gone, those who have stayed for a little longer while, those who will always have a special place in her heart and life no matter what, those who have grown so important, she is humbled and blessed by their presence. They are His amazing grace. Thank YOU.

dear Jesus, thank you for your faithfulness and goodness and i am just overwhelmed by how good You are to me. why you would love someone like me i'll never understand... and why would they love someone like me i'll never understand. please bless and keep the one who is reading this, and i pray Your best for them. i love them, i really do. help me love them more with my life each day...

p/s: so sorry am not able to do anything for you guys back at home this year, nor bake for those whom I have promised a year ago… but it’ll just be late, promise. :) good things are worth waiting for right??? heh…
and to those who have waited by the phone last night, so sorry.. internet connection was down!!but the thoughts are received and cherished...

Updates 5-min

I know i seem to have disappeared from the radar for a long time now... so here's a quick low-down on me, myself and I... just so you know i'm still alive... :p

first thing... i look like an ah-lian now... boo-hoohoo.. just when i thought no more crazy stints after that purple fringe.. i am now carrying red streaks in my locks... :s lost in translation... sigh...

and well my i'm mighty glad that dad, mum n da-gu are in BJ with me right now... it's been such a wonderful time thus far... being able to spend time with them, to cook for them, to bring them around, to show them that this little girl has grown up, to talk to them... deep conversations, stories i've never heard before, one too many emotional moments... thank you Daddy for these few days that will always remain in our lives... and little miss moo-moo, i'm missing you heaps!!!
just wanna take this chance to also say THANK YOU to someone who so graciously sacrificed his holidays for my folks~ thanks!!! 谢谢!!! merci!!! terimah-kasih!!! arigato!!! (hahaha, i can do it here coz it's MY domain)

million dollar question i've been getting... if i will be back in november... very honestly at this point in time i need to confess that i'm not sure... chances of my boss asking me to stay on is kinda high... so the window is there but of course that's not the point... i'm still waiting, waiting on Him to show me His way... if He opens up this door, am i to walk through it.. please pray along with me...

as for ministry... am really excited about how the international student's ministry is slowly taking shape-lots to say but need to pray lots more. the challenges of this ministry in Beijing is unique as compared to the "successful" models in UK or Aussie... the profiles of the students are very much different and very much more varied... it's my heart not to simply replicate the "tried and tested" models but that the work we do through this channel will truly be life-changing, so that the students will go back and carry on the work to transform and touch lives for Christ :)

and work's just pretty much, work :p

okie more than 5min now... gotta go zzz...