God, I’m serious

How can I count the ways
You made each day sweet
Every falling leaf, every angel in disguise
I’m thankful You’ve made me alive.

How can I count the ways
You do not give us what we deserve
Made dark clouds to rain showers of blessings
Sovereignly commanding evil for the good of Your people.

How can I count the ways
You give so abundantly to this one of little faith
It’s not the gifts that overwhelm her
But You telling her that You trust her- sweeps her off her feet.


When You found me and lifted me from the miry clay, courted me till the oath I made that day, faithfully keeping Your covenant to me till this very day, I know God You’ve given Yourself to be the Love of my life.

I want to love you Jesus, to walk in all your ways, to obey your commands, to hold fast to you and to serve you with all my heart and all my soul. I'm serious about You, please keep me in You always.

Brothers & Sisters

The show premiered on Channel 5 on Monday evening. After a heartbreaking question by Kitty (Calista) to her mum (Sally Field), "Why can't you love me?". Nora replied, "We fight, Kitty. We fight (like all mothers and daughters do). But just come home ok?"

Her words echoed in my ears till now, "just come home". i think that three simple words spell out my "family philosophy". After all that might happen amongst siblings, after all the misunderstandings & hurtful words said between parent and child, after taking time off to cool down and let things pass, "Just come home".

There is no point in allowing history to spoil your present, why let regretful anger drive you further from each other, pride cannot be worth more than the blood that runs in the family. Come home.


Have not watched an American drama for a long long time, watching something like this makes me miss my once well-loved friends & families in the small box. Am a total softie when it comes to plots- thrillers, mystery and suspense don cut well with me. Give me medical, legal, and family drama any time. Allow me to pay tribute to them who were with me as i grew up...

TV staples in the past included: Ally McBeal, ER, The Practice, Gilmore Girls, 7th Heaven, Boston Legal. Miss those days when i would detest Noah Wyle's new girlfriend (ER), have my heart wringe when Calista Flockhart walk home alone, follow James Spader from The Practice to Boston Legal, wish i could be as cool a mum as Lorelai Gilmore and have a family as beautiful as the Camdens (7th Heaven).

You all will always be a part of me..... *tissue please*

i'm an index finger!

Another interesting or "air-headed" recommendation by Weifeng, aka JTL. hahahaha.

You Are the Index Finger

You are ambitious, driven, and capable. You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it. You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it. You get along well with: The Thumb Stay away from: The Ring Finger

What Finger Are You?

Lines of confidence

What happens when a job comes in between a husband and wife? If James Bond ever got married, I do not envisage him sharing all of the confidential information M entrusted him with to his wife. If the pastor’s wife is a gossip monger (yes, godly men can have wives with weaknesses), should he tell her everything his church members tell him?

Does the “not sharing everything I know” mean that I do not trust you?
Or if the person who has shared with me told me specifically to not tell anyone else- do I keep that trust and not tell the person I trust most on earth?
But if I cant tell the trusted person, how can it mean that I trust him? Do I show that I am trusting by breaking another’s trust?

What happens when a man comes in between best friends? I have wondered about that one for a long time. Does my best girlfriend tell her man everything I talk to her about?

I am a firm believer that that your best friend has to be your spouse. So putting myself in the “best friend’s shoes”- I share information under the assumption that the spouse would also know. And I have no problems with that, I trust my best friend’s spouse to love me the way she does. But what if there are just some things I need to share with ONE other friend? Maybe it is best not to tell her at all. Maybe that is where the special one comes in.

I used to think that there should not be any secrets between husband and wife. And I still believe that- that there should not be deliberate hiding of truths or information. Except that as I think more about the issue, and observe the relationships around me, I recognize also the many exceptions that may arise and I will not need or demand to know everything that he knows.

If there is bad blood between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, should the daughter still tell her mother’s bad habits to her husband? What good will that do except to sow a greater discord and making any possibility of reconciliation even more remote?
If one party’s work involves classified data, what professionalism is there if she goes home to tell him all the insider’s information?
If someone entrust a family problem to me, how am I respecting his privacy if I go tell my best friend something he does not want another person to know?
If A tells me bad things about B, do I go tell B or B’s girlfriend?

I see many couples around me. The maturity & openness of the relationship is not measured by whether the man knows as much as the woman, or vice versa. The need to know betrays insecurity.
If trust is what weaves the relationship fabric, I trust that he will trust me enough to tell me things he wants me to know. I trust that the person I know is who he is. The control freak nature is inside every woman, I am writing this here to remind myself- to respect and trust my man.

And with respect to that complicated world of relationships between friends, my take is to heed Proverbs and do not engage in foolish chatter.

i speak for me

this is just a public announcement that all questions with regards to my sister and xun shall be directed to them straight. i am not their manager nor spokesperson - i speak only for ME.

if you are concerned enough, go ask them about them yourselves. if you are just curious and need some dinner conversation, it's very unkind. boss around some other grounds.

"No comments" henceforth. thanks :)

when it's all been said and done

xun shared this with me... poignant.



i pray that i'd have lived my life for truth, for you Jesus.

There is a Higher Throne

Original music by Kristyn Lennox & lyrics by Keith Getty.

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known
Where faithful ones from every tongue
Will one day come
Before the Son we'll stand
Made faultless through the Lamb
Believing hearts find promised grace
Salvation comes

Hear heaven's voices sing
Their thunderous anthem rings
Through emerald courts and sapphire skies
Their praises rise
All glory, wisdom, power
Strength, thanks and honour are
To God our King who reigns on high
For evermore

And there we'll find our home
Our life before the throne
We'll honour Him in perfect song
Where we belong
He'll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die
The Lamb comes as our Shepherd King
We'll reign with him.

***

This is one of my all time favorite contemporary hymn. Inspired by Revelation 7:9-17, Keith Getty does a masterpiece in putting Scripture into song, expressing not only the praise man will have for the Most High when all nations stand before Him on that last day, but it makes me long long long for the new creation.


You can imagine my delight when i found the latest album by Keith in Trumpet Praise yesterday. Newly arranged, beautifully sung by his wife Kristyn.
Pure jewel. Its gonna be one of my morning favorites for a long long time.

And actually, this is one hymn i would love to have at my wedding- well or any wedding for that matter. (sorry, the husband and wife team, together with Henry & Bernice's wedding over the weekend has just made me think a little about these things :p) Anyway, this is not about self-indulgence.. but let me just share a little more about my thoughts...

The title in itself establishes the unseen Throne before man, setting the entire congregation, day and the couple before God Himself.

The joy that flows out from the hymn is fitting for the occassion- but even more so, it tells of a joy of a Day far greater than this day itself. Marriage is a foreshadow of the union between Christ and His church, and as much satisfaction as the union between a man & woman in love can bring- the fullnes of being with God on that Day surpasses that all.
This song reminds the couple to put God first. The sinful spouse will still brng hurt and tears, but Jesus will dry ALL tears when we are with Him. And even as they start building a home here on earth together, it will all pass away- for their home is there, there before the throne.

And of course the praise directed to God in the chorus echoes the worship that man has for their God, when they behold His wisdom & glory & perfect design. To God be the glory!

***

To Henry and Bernice, thank you for revealing the glory of Christ in your lives, in your union, and i am certain- in your household. All my love, best wishes and thoughts, always.

Grandma jo...

i had been grappling with the pain in my right back jaw for the last few days.. sometimes its searing, sometimes its content to remain in the background.. and it was so bad i lost sleep last night coz of that... don think i'm exaggerating okie.. don you dare underestimate a woman's pain threshold. bleah.

anyway decided to go to the dentist after lunch with gabbie, zhiming & xun.. so the dentist sat me down, asked some questions, stuffed some cotton in my mouth, made me hold some metal clip in my hand while he holds some metal equipment to sensitize my teeth... and so apparently i don have sensation in two of my pearlies. so he sent me for an x-ray. man.. so complicating....

so apparently some root canal problem. might be ramnants of my cyst removal couple of years back.. some infection there.. which could either get worse or just remain there.. so will have to go see specialist.. who is super busy, so gotta wait 3 months..

BUT thats not the cause of my ache.. BLEAH. its like opening pandora box to a bigger problem, and still not having the original problem fixed.. and so i have to live with it till it heals.. (*hint: prayer needed*) he prescribed some muscle relaxer for me, which i rolled my eyes.. didnt feel like gettting it so i just scurried off without going to the pharmacist as told.. heh. :p

it really is heatiness i swear.. so many people told me.. (though someone will roll his eyes...) so am staying off heaty food for a while... and more sleep.. and more water.. and let this machine get well by herself.. the Creator is an ingenious Designer- didnt you know that?

anyhow, now grandma jo takes like half an hour to eat a piece of apple. sad sad case.. and she has been warned not to open her mouth too big, not stretch her muscle, not irritate it.. and be careful when she yawn *YAWN*

btw, realized that the cleaning services at the NUH dental center also not very cheap.. 60-80 bucks.. about the same as what i pay when i go to Epismile!! hmph... condemn me for going to private clinic???

Joshua

One question bugged me during the study of Joshua in DM last season-
Why did God have to make the Israelites conquer Canaan? Since it is the Promised Land, since they have suffered enough by roaming the desert for forty years, and since it’s a gift- why not just give them a piece of land that was uninhabited? Why a piece of land that was occupied by pagans who idol worship? Why make them fight bloody battles and suffer deaths? Why not just a land flowing with milk and honey in a part of the world that was not occupied?

I recognize that it belonged to a category of questions that were unanswerable- why did God do what He did? The best answers are sensible conjectures at best. But I was really perplexed, I didn’t understand God’s way- it didn’t make sense to me.
I resigned to “God’s sovereignty”, learn the lessons God wants us to from His dealings with Israel, and “respected His free will to do as He did”- after all He’s God and I’m not. But after musing about it over time, I cannot say “to have seen the light”, but some thoughts arose.

Think about this- this is a generation that only heard about the deeds of God passed down to them from their fore-fathers, the first generation experiencing the Exodus had perished. A strong heritage of God’s presence is no doubt something to be proud of, to find confidence in- but somehow, it still “belonged to our forefathers”.
Maybe that’s why Moses had to tell the people that the covenant was not made with the forefathers, but with them as well. But with God leading them into battles and giving them victory, they inherited the Promised Land with a strong legacy.
Lord, I don want to just hear stories about you from the past. I learn about You from them, and I believe, but I want You to bring me with You into the battlefield Lord. To see you in action, to make His-story with You.

They fought and played a part in claiming the land called their own, God allowed them to share the ownership of the gift He had prepared for them. They fought and knew God in a way they never would have known, God showed Himself to these people through these tests. They fought and grew, God knew best the way to make His kind of man. They fought, and failed, and repented, God showed them who was God.
Lord, thank you for giving worthless creatures as us a part to play in Your mighty plan for creation. The goodness and glory is Yours alone, but You graciously allow us to partake in it. Help us Lord to see You through it all.
Thank you for all the trials and tests that come our way. You know us best and how we need to grow. You are the Potter and we are the clay. Mould us Lord, and have us cling on to the end Lord, like how the clay just sticks on the Potter’s hand.

Happy Father's Day!

To my daddy on earth and in heaven, Happy Father's Day!

Thank you & You for your love to me.

Heartbreak hotel (I)

This is not a place of healing- I have to be honest with my guests. I offer them no remedy to cure their heartache, nor remove the scars they have. Just a place to tell their story, just a place to get some air.

Auburn hair, hazel eyes, an air of sophistication followed her about. She sat in the café for long hours in the afternoons. Smoking her cigarette, sipping her latte, listening to the band play. Sometimes looking deep into an unseen reality unfolding before her eyes, occasionally chatting with a stranger who asked to share her table. She asked me to sit with her one day.

“I saw the questions in your eyes,” she smiled. I fiddled in my seat embarrassed, as my eyes stayed on the wedding band round her finger. I noticed it when she first checked in during the fall of 99, and every time she came round subsequently. She had made many trips here - some trips longer than the rest, sometimes just dropping in for a cuppa.

“Do you know how many times your heart can get broken?” She broke into my recollections. “It seems that no matter how small a piece you have left from the last time it broke, it can shatter some more. Each time the pain is fresh and you don think you can survive another ounce of ache, but you do. It’s such a cruel exercise- you preserve your heart to keep yourself alive, but as it barely learns how to breathe, he breaks it again. He does not know how painful it is, he isn’t even aware how much I cry, he does not even know how much it takes me to hope again, he does not even know that I know..”

***

A loves B and only B, but B loves not only A. Sometimes another lover, sometimes just a fling. But if you love him, here’s the place to mend your heart each time it’s torn apart. Check in here if you want to be able to survive in this waiting game. Get some air, and return to wait again.

***

side note: yay! the small font is working again!

thank you kor...

on behalf of the many who had benefitted from your giving... echoing the deep sentiments of my heart... thank you for giving to the Lord, i am so glad you gave.

my condolence

you don know me, and it does not matter at all. just need to give this tiny ache in my heart a little space to breathe.

you were only sixteen when you left home, leaving behind green fields and walked into dark grey forests. for education and hope of a better life, for your family’s glory and mummy’s dream. you went away.

yellow faces you never saw, a tongue you never spoke. a culture totally different from your own, loneliness you’ve never known before. for the better tomorrow in sight, for the pride that will be their eyes- you worked hard and swallowed all your tears inside.

now daddy’s gone and you’re far away, having no money to return home. the pain of love lost, the wrench of not being there. the solitude of facing loss alone, the burn of leaving them on their own.

nothing anyone can say will ease the grief, nothing will lessen the pain. but know that there is someone out there who faced the same, and overcame. rest in Him brother, and take joy you will see dad again one day.

Something there

When I remember…

God told the Israelites to “Remember…”, to not forget what He has done for them, to recall His goodness. This is an apparent application point for any bible study on those passages in the Pentateuch. A basis to return to when relating to God, a starting point for thanksgiving, a remedy to cure ungratefulness. A provision and reminder from our loving God has to keep His straying children faithful? Maybe.

Often in our conversations, Arthur says “Remember the time when…” and we recollect with much fondness something we have done together. A secret smile beams from the heart as we think about a particular event or time we had together. “Remembering” became alive for me.

Remembering is not just an activity of the mind- a call to our grey matter the past. It engages and affects the heart, and an upwelling of emotions engulfs us.
Remembering is not an inability to move on from the past. It is a natural activity between two who are in love, holding on dearly to the good the other has done.
Remembering is not just a desperate attempt to invoke or force feelings for the other. It affirms and assures, grounds and gives strength to the relationship between.

When God tells us to remember, it is personal. It is real. It ought to shake us at the deepest of our nerves, when we remember how He parted the sea for His people and drowned the enemies that come after. It ought to tear our hearts apart, when we remember how we like our forefathers curse God for taking us out of Egypt. It ought to be a desire for us, to remember the love that was displayed on the cross where Jesus accomplished salvation and bought with His blood the gift of life for us.

No doubt we forgetful people need to make it a discipline to remember His deeds, and it may take a deliberate effort sometimes. But think about this: Do you think Moses have to dig hard into his memory as he recounted what God did for Israel? Was Daniel practicing false piety as he remembered God’s faithfulness in his prayer while he is in exile? Did the early church fake the strength they found as they recalled His acts for their forefathers?
Why then does remembering become such a painful activity for us today? The communion becomes but a slap in our faces, reminding us of our callous hearts.

Our fathers of faith knew God and loved Him. They claimed the God that was revealed in His dealings with their ancestors as their own. Remembering Him was their favorite activity- be it His great acts in the past, or His personal intervention in their lives. God’s acts shook them to the core. What they had with God is a loving relationship, a passionate journey. Then the walk becomes worth remembering, and the story worth telling and retelling and written and passed on.

Dear God,
Make me love you more, help me know you deeper- such that remembering becomes my natural activity and telling about you is my favorite story.
What You did for my fathers of faith, it is mine to claim. For You are unchanging yesterday today, forever the same.
Let worship result when I remember, let praise for You spring forth. You alone are worthy of honor and glory, we need to remember.
Amen.

A prayer...

I prayed for love and perseverance
You showed me how little I have
I thought I had and knew how to
Alas, there’s so much more to learn.

Take away the Pharisaical judgments
Break those scales that seek to weigh
Remove my grudges and complaints
I’m tired of playing games.

Shatter my stained-glass faith
Raise the blinds that conceal Your ways
Burn away the hypocrisy and folly
Have me touch your heart again.

Return me to my first love for You Jesus
For You and my neighbor
Make me more like You Lord
And live for Your glory today.

POP! 1

have heard many songs for the first time on the radio.. but few would make me wanna go check it out thereafter. heard this on the radio the other night.. and it made me think of a certain someone. so here's a dedication for him..(unbashedly *blush*)

yes its bubblegum pop on a disney footage- SHOOT ME :p

Flash update :p

Just when I thought no one will be interested in an “update of my life”, my dear friend just asked for one… so in honor of the bride-to-be, here’s a quick journal of my life up to date… read on only if you’re absolutely bored. :p

lets tackle the easy ones first. You must have heard about the Thomson-Reuters deal, so I am very much sitting around waiting for my severance package.. hahaha.. As closed as this deal is, so are my plans to be making a career switch. yes, I’ve whined and moaned and groaned and set myself up a couple of walls- and right now I am just gonna stay here till He moves me out of this place. Nope, my dreams have not died- just waiting for Him to make the seed inside grow at His perfect time.

things at home are pretty fine. dad’s home after a long time away- so spending as much time as I possibly can with him. I can only thank God for all that He has done for and given to us. Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten. OHANA!!!

ministry is well, ministry :) Thankfully the days of hoping in Him are more than that with being disappointed with man. Remembering His faithfulness gets me through days when I fear “we have somehow lost our first love”. I look at churches who have raring engines and a “well built structure”, I wonder “when will it be our turn?” It’s not a desire “to have arrived”, the ache for man to love God and the church more is greater. But I have somehow become contented with persevering, struggling, and accept that hard work is all there is to my lot in ministry. Fruits? it’s His to give, and mine to hope. Glory be to Him alone!

it’s Friday everyone.. remember to Re-Create in Him this Sabbath!

mars n venus on earth (1)

Fairy tales end with prince charming riding his princess on the white horse into the sunset. For me, the fairy tale begins only then- when they move beyond the laws of attraction to be ironing out every crease in the fabric of their relationship. a real trying of every bolt and nut to see what works and what doesn’t. So here’s a little update of my tiny fairy tale. :p

Just came back from Beijing two weeks ago. Cannot be more thankful at the timing of the trip. Was giving my man such a hard time before that- my doubts, impatience, mood swings and fatigue carried over from work. *bish*

“I don know”, “I’ll think about it”, “I’m tired”, “I don’t feel like talking”, were swung ruthlessly in his face. Feeling burnt out from work, feeling like I didn’t know how to handle a LDR any more, feeling disgusted with myself for being so mean to him… To the weak, God is always full of kindness and grace.

The moment I saw him at the airport, all the doubts just faded away. Coffee at starbucks was especially sweet that morning. Days were spent riding behind him on his bike (breaking the law together! hahaha), going into the office and meetings with him (being a portable vase in every sense), doing groceries and cooking (domesticated 101), and basically yakking and lazing about the house… precious conversations, loads of gibberish, a renewing of chemistry.

All the ordinary dailies become extra-ordinary when you find your favorite person to be doing them with. And when that happens, you know you have found the one :)

(screeching sound of a broken record for sound effects please…)

But of course this dimwit can always be a pain in the neck. Stupid comments, refusing to let go of an argument spoilt our last dinner together. insisting to have said my piece in the situation, instead of backing off to bring peace- she had her claws in place. hahaha… the only good thing that came out of all the high emotions and frustrations that last day together- a not so teary goodbye as the last few times. :p Fret not, all is well now of course. Regrets? None.

Rainbows come only after the rain. No matter how the skies are- the two can enjoy frolicking in the sun under the blue heavens, or take joy in having braved the grey clouds together again.
If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die… As clouds roll by, for you and i.

Thinking about the Wardrobe

The Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe. The first of the seven Chronicles of Narnia by C.S Lewis. As i was sitting there in midst of the seminar on C.S Lewis by Wayne Martindale, staring at the poster in front of me, the Wardrobe caught my attention for the first time.

Why did Lewis use the title he did? the Lion and the White Witch is obvious- but the Wardrobe? I am not Lewis so i cannot speak for him. My best guess would be but a sensible conjecture. So i will not attempt to answer the question why- but rather, share my two cents worth as i think about the Wardrobe.

The Wardrobe was the window through which the children stepped into Narnia. Out of the ordinary daily life they knew, into a magical world they never imagined would exist. Breaking from the physical world, plunging them into the reality that was always existent behind the coats. Changing their status from plain Peter to King Peter riding gallantly on the white horse through the woods.

The Wardrobe- though appearing briefly at the beginning and the end as but a channel for the story to unravel, held a key. It is a place where the journey began. It is the door to an alternative reality. It is a space through which the seeker must make time to travel through. It is the divine channel given by God to a reality beyond the eyes can see.

It is that aching question about life for the unbeliever - "there must be more to life than my unsatisfactory toil... if it all ends where it ends, then for what am i doing all these?"
Take that time and walk into the wardrobe, my friend. Aslan has been waiting for you all along.

It is that desperate scamper for the christian - "i am drowning here, there is no joy, no peace, no victory, no gain at all for my pain and work."
Remember your status in Narnia my brother and sister, do not trade the eternal riches of the unseen just so you can live in pleasure for your eyes at the present time.

The Wardrobe may have been a literary gimmick, or a convenient side thought. It is my prayer that you may now come to think each time as you open your wardrobe, the Wardrobe. Into truth, into love, into victory, into safety, into rest.

Tracking…

I’m probably being presumptuous here
That this would be of remote interest
But as a writer, responsible and queer
Here’s an account to my readers dearest.

Have been so squashed by work lately
Something I don even understand
It’s not that I need to honestly
I don care about the management’s hand.

Time just disappears
The moment I sit at my computer
Not daring to move away for a second
Not even to get myself some water.

My nerves are tense
Closely knitted are my brows
My brain is dense
Looking much like a panda now 

But my team is there you see
I want to stand by them
Pitching in my best as can be
Fighting alongside as a friend.

Anyhow I’ll have my break this week
As I fly off to Beijing
So no more entries from this geek
Till I return to Sing.

YAY!!!

High Society...

Extracts from BBC: A lavish funeral has been held for Hong Kong's richest woman, Nina Wang, who died earlier this month.
Casino magnate Stanley Ho and Asia's richest man Li Ka-shing were among the mourners who gathered for the funeral.
Hong Kong leader Donald Tsang and his predecessor Tung Chee-hwa paid their respects on Tuesday.

***

What intrigued me as i read the report was how on earth do the big names know each other? are they then obligated to attend each other's funeral because they belong to the same class- even if they do not know each other very well?

***

Think of diamond rings, gold bars, balls, parties. Think of political agendas, secret motives, arranged marriages. Lots of drama, romance and foul play.

Think of Pride & Prejudice, the lonely hero misunderstood.

Think of the widening income divide- discimination, racism, oppression, big bullies. Hypocrisy, humanity in its ugliest garments.

Think of the girl who gave up her riches for rags, just to be with the man she loves.

***

I find the pompous pitiful. i'd wish i despise their airs- but i have only sympathy for them. but to the down-to-earth rich men- i wished there were more of them to show the rich and poor alike, there is no big deal having more money in your bank account honestly.

***

The high society intrigues me. Intrigues - not tempts, i have no wish to be part of them. But the web of relationships, strategic alliances, drama really intrigues this commoner that looks in from outside the glass ball.

6 mois

some say we live not for the present nor the future
but for memories and things we live behind
you've not only given me treasures i'll always remember
more so the greatest joys every today & tomorrow can ever find

merci misseour :)

The Constant Gardener

We want people we love to give us a greenhouse to grow in. We want to grow up in a greenhouse. If I can keep you in the greenhouse forever, I will try my best to be the greenhouse for you. But if you are going to be out there on your own some day, I want to be to you sometimes the sunlight, sometimes the rain. Sometimes the wind, sometimes the soil.

God is the gardener.
In my sinful nature, I am the rain and wind that makes life so harsh.
By His Holy Spirit, I am sometimes the sunlight and the soil that gives life warmth and support.
At times, I choose to be the scorching sun and it hurts for me to burn and hurt.
At others, I choose to be the gentle rain and end the drought.
But in all and through all, He uses ALL for the rose to bloom and bring Him glory.

Its amongst the thorns that roses bloom.
Its in rejection that acceptance is cultivated.
Its through trials that faith is strengthened.
Its from hardship that the heart grows.

Decide who you want to be amongst the thorns, how you want to respond to rejection, if you will persevere through trials and bear the hardship. Embrace the environment the constant gardener has prepared for us to grow to the likeness of His Son.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Growing pains

Pain: Failing someone’s expectations or that someone else failed mine.
Growth: Realizing that you aint as fantastic as you made yourself out to be, nor as big-hearted as you think you are.

Pain: i am no longer in the center of my own universe.
Growth: Realizing that you exist in a bigger world and allowing the others to come and play a part in your world.

Pain: Not getting what i want all the time.
Growth: Realizing that the receiving is in the giving sometimes. Rejecting the game of life that cheats us of our soul if we want to insist on having the world all the time.

Pain: Losing, falling, failing.
Growth: Accepting the propensity of failure but never allowing it to defeat you. Pick yourself up and carry on.

Pain: Why don people understand or listen to me?
Growth: Understanding that others also have their battles to fight and no one owes you an obligation of a relationship to listen. Step into their world only if you want.

If growing can really happen without pain, perhaps we wont have to tread the paths of this earth for that many years really. God willing, may we get there by His grace in the end.

Remember ME this way

I wonder if the church goers got tired of the church always trying to “make them feel for the cross” each year.

Perhaps the drama on the crucifixion worked the first year, perhaps the film on the second, perhaps the sermon on the third year. But the emotional connection seemed to get diluted with each passing year. Perhaps it has all gotten too predictable. And perhaps it might have even gotten to a point of resentment- reminding me of the cross I have forgotten. Or perhaps a sting- telling me of the failure I had been over the past year, because the conviction that arose last Good Friday had evidently not stayed with me for long. Perhaps I am tired of feeling, and feeling for the cross.

Good Friday became a holiday- part of a long weekend too good to miss. Good Friday became a routine- going to church in the morning and a day to hangout with friends. Is Good Friday even good anymore? Does one even consider about “preparing for Good Friday” in the most personal sense?

Think about a birthday of a loved one. Consider the lengths you would take to prepare of an anniversary celebration. Count the number of hours, weigh the efforts you have taken to plan for a special event for a special someone. Then look back over the past month, how much time have we taken to prepare for Good Friday?

We will be missing the point if we are looking for an emotional experience. Whether or not we feel for the cross or not- a man still died on it for us.
Whether or not we feel for the man or not- He still is God who became flesh.
Whether or not we feel for God or not- He still is God and He loves us.

Good Friday is a day we remember Jesus and what He has done for us. Whether or not we feel for it, the Day was accomplished for our sakes. The starting point of this day is Him, not us. Its about remembering Him, not our emotional highs. The church is not in the business of making us feel for the cross- the church exists to tell us the good news that God has paid the price to bring sinful man to His side.

Good Friday is Good because God is Good. Good Friday is God’s Friday.

Reflection

Look at me

You may think you see who I really am

But you'll never know me

Everyday it's as if I play a part

Now I see If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

~

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

~

I am now

In a world where I have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow

I will show the world what's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

~

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Must I pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

~

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

~

Why must we all conceal

What we think

How we feel

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide

~

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

Finding me

A walking contradiction roaming the face of this earth.
***
I am a pretty “easy” person to be around. Wrong. Discovered through several incidents lately that I have a pretty strong personality. Not a bad thing I know, only that the expression of such a character can be pretty brash and callous at times. A crazy and difficult woman to be around, when I am in one of those moods. Eeeky cactus. To those who have been on the receiving end of my mad antics lately, please pardon me. Give me some time to work this out with Him k? Sorry :p
***
Contented and restless. Can both be true? I want to say I don have big dreams nor ambition- I really don’t. Isn’t this an expression of contentment? Thought I could settle in the mundane things of this world- especially since it ought to be the eternal things that drives my passion. But I have discovered recently that I am bored easily at work, and my heart is aching for a change. What is wrong with me? Why cant I be contented where I am? Sigh :(
***
Practical idealist. Realistic dreamer. Cant figure if I want excitement or stability more. Extroverted introvert. Simple-minded AhQ aware of the shrewdness of the human mind. Want to have wings to fly, but yet also feet that touch the ground. Desperate to “find me”, but yet I honestly enjoy being a contradiction. Hahaha…
**
Dear Jesus,
have me be a wide-eyed wanderer in your creation, as I discover more the marvels of the created being you have made in everyone. Peeling slowly the depth of layers to each soul. Lead me on “finding me”- the one you have made to be yours.
I don want to conform to the pattern of this world, nor have only practical voices leading my life- I want to be on a journey with you and discover day by day the life you want to have me live.
Give me courage to fight tooth and nail, and pay the cost to keep the spirit you have made inside alive. Give me wings to pursue the dreams you have placed within this heart of mine.

James 3,4

Typed this passage as a warning to myself in light of a recent disappointment. Cannot help but be humbled once again on the wisdom of God revealed in His Word. Read with me, even if you might be familiar with the passage already- it might just speak to you again today.

“… We all stumble in many ways… Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear fig? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
… Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight…”

Dear Lord, my heart is often prone to wander from you. So when i face man, i carry my throne into our interactions. My selfish heart that desires to assert itself, instead of You- who love and bless. Forgive me Lord each time i fail and kill Your beloved with my self-centeredness, spewing out unkind, brutal words with my violent tongue- murdering the other soul. Help me Holy Spirit to be a peacemaker- and reveal to man to glory of God even in my weakness. I ask this in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ for His sake. Amen

The parable of the prodigal son

The parable of the prodigal son arose a couple of times during this season of Lent. There are many ways of looking at this parable, and the angle changes with our relationship with our Father as we grow. Some attribute this to the beauty of narratives- allowing the reader to read his/her experiences into the story. True to some extent, but yet this speaks to me even more of the wisdom of Jesus and displays so clearly the “life” of the Living Word.

A first encounter with the parable, it is not difficult to identify with the prodigal son- who asked for his inheritance even before his father is dead, went off to squander off the money, found life in his dire straits worse off than his father’s servants and went back home to beg his father to take him in as a worker.
~ As a sinner who has been found by God, I am the prodigal son who does not deserve the grace and love of my Father. The loving Father keeps no record of wrong: my “wishing that He was dead”- so I can live life my way; my self gratification in the pleasures of the flesh.
And He receives me so freely, taking me in not as a worker but as his son- giving me the status without my having to work for it, and returning to me the son-ship I spurned. Taking me in my broken-ness and shame, more than willing to make me His again.
The cross was for the prodigal me.

And having been “in the House” for some time, one started identifying with the older son- who refused to go in for the celebrations when his younger brother returned, and when invited by his father to share his joy, accused his father for forgetting him and not giving him his dues.
~ As the sinner who put on the robe of “self-righteousness” and wore so comfortably the acts of good deeds, I am the elder son who knows not the heart of my Father. I have traded relationship for religion, faith for deeds, grace for wage, love for respect, son-ship for slavery, my Father for but a master.
The loving Father beckons time and over again, “All I have is yours, come in”. Taking me in despite my wrongs and misconceptions, despite my pettiness and jealousy, despite my selfishness and rebellion, more than willing to right the relationship with me again.
The cross was for the older son-me.

And any study of the parable would not be complete without the contemplation of the father.
The father who gave the son who cursed him to die his inheritance, without a word of reprimand. The father who watched his son step out of the door of the house into the outside world, silently praying he would not wander too far before turning back. The father who gave his son free will to choose his course, enduring heartache and pain. The father who stood by the door each day, watching for his son to return. The father who received without question the son who came home. The father who celebrated, even though the son returned because of self-interest.
The father who saw his son’s heart growing distant as he tried to earn his gifts. The father who was never knew nor understood by his son who was at his side. The father who risked rejection to make peace.
The father who desired so so much to be in a relationship with his sons- even if it meant a dear cost.

I am the younger son and the older son. But yet to all wretchedness, the Father’s response is the same. He demonstrates His love. He desires reconciliation. He wants us back home. So much so, God became a man and died on the cross the death that was mine. So much so, the Father would give His only son to punish Him for the sins of His enemy- me. So much so Jesus conquered death to free me forever from the bondage of death.

Freely He gave the gift of life. Freely He paid the price. And so freely, He desires us to believe- and whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. Will you come home today?

Because of you

A friend shared this song with me on his blog long time ago. finally got down to finding the clip and watching the MTV. painfully poignant. but i like the message of hope in midst the mess of her past- that the her past wont dictate her actions for the future family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqj-n0IG1Ik

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I watched you die I heard you cry Every night in your sleep
I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain
And now I cry In the middle of the night For the same damn thing

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt
Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Dining woes

Although the table conversation at dinner was every bit engaging and the company was delightful, but it was what was going on at the next table that added the extra spark to the evening.

I do not think that the man and woman on the next table are an item- and very likely it was the man who asked the woman out. She was all made-up, donning an all black ensemble- spaghetti strap top and linen trousers. He was in his dark navy working shirt and grey pants.

So they placed the order for their food. She ordered spaghetti and prawns tossed with garlic-olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes, and he ordered a sirloin steak with broiled vegetables and mashed potatoes. Shortly after, a nice char-grilled steak was served before him, and the waiter served her with a plate of nicely mixed tomato pasta, sprinkled with parmesan cheese.

The pasta was clearly too red for aglio-olio’s own good, even if the chef was generous with his serving of sun-dried tomatoes. After a few mouthfuls, she realized that this was not her order. She called for the waiter and told them that they got her order wrong. They had to send the pasta back to the kitchen and have it redone.

So there she was waiting for the pasta while he was happily putting nicely cut bite-sized beef cubes into his mouth, making short comments about his food every now and then, totally oblivious to his hungry partner. She called the waiter over and asked for her chocolate shake.

He must have realized she was hungry, so he offered her a cube of steak on his fork. She shook her head on his first attempt, so he put the reject into his mouth. Undiscouraged, he tried again- and she shook her head again. Third try, “you really should try this, it’s not bad”. Her chocolate shake came and she started sipping on it. So Mr Clueless eagerly finished his dinner, cleaned his mouth with the napkin and shone her a stunning smile of satisfaction. “The steak was really not bad”. A few minutes later, the waiter brought the spaghetti for the lady, and cleared the man’s plate away.

***

Could the man not have waited for the lady’s dinner to be served before he continued with his dinner? How could any gentleman let a hungry lady watch him eat?

Mr Nice may not want to trouble the cook to heat up his food again, or he must be really hungry. But could he not have slowed down, take longer pauses and finish his dinner with or after his fair lady? How fun is it for a dinner for two when one eats after another? Gee.

Could he not have cleared his plate later? He has successfully made her look like a glutton when she is the only chomping on her noodles while his dining space on the table is bare. :(

***

Making too much a fuss out of a restaurant's mistake? Perhaps. Reading too much into a simple dinner went wrong? Maybe.

But just wondering.... Men- what would you have done in his shoes? Ladies- what would you have liked in her shoes?

Way back into love

Watched Music & Lyrics last night, my first movie in the theatres in at least 7 months!!!

i take it as a celebration for you, laughed really loudly- haven done that in a while now, i laughed for you- because that's how you make me laugh :) happy birthday!

wanna share the song in the movie with you, really catchy music and really nice lyrics :p

http://gootube.net/way-back-into-love.php

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Christian nations?

Read somewhere in the papers last week about the Buddhists in Thailand giving pressure to the new government to make Buddhism the state religion. I thought it always has been and will be, so I didn’t quite get what the fuss was about. Maybe there was still no constitution set in place in light of the political un-stability. Anyhow, that is not the main point. That article made me wonder if Christians would ever make such news.

I have no desire for attention simply for the sake of doing so, nor am I hoping that we someday would. After all, Paul teaches us to pray for all those in authorities so that we can lead quiet and peaceful lives. (1 Timothy 2:1,2) And most importantly, the kingdom of God is universal and advancing truly and surely- whether or not the world recognizes it.

But when I think about the Buddhists and Muslims who would fight to their death to make sure their religion are not side-lined, and how quiet Christians have been comparatively.
The governments of these states not budging even in light of economic pressures, but powerhouse countries with significant Christian heritage and presence like the US and UK not daring to make Christianity a state religion for fear of sensitivities associated?
Perhaps it has to do with the principles on which the countries are founded, perhaps the truth of the narrow way and those who inherit the kingdom are “few” is more real than it can be, perhaps….
But it makes me wonder if we Christians dare to make a difference in this world at all, not to mention the terrible testimonies we sinners are….

And as I am typing this right now, He is rebuking me of how flawed my thinking is. Indeed, Jesus did not come with a political agenda to be a political leader. He came to usher in the kingdom of God- that is in invisible. He needed no platform to show who He is, He needed no external powers to empower Him, He need not make a statement. Why should I desire for that?

As much as I am aching so much for the world to see the beauty of a nation living under God today, they one day will, wont they? Praise God for the “low visibility” of “Christian nations” today, because this tells me our church leaders know and are focusing on what is more important. (This is not to say that the Church is not doing its role to tell the world of what the Creator’s heart is)

But let us endeavor more to be like the servant king who came in humility- to serve and not be on a power-grabbing agenda. To proclaim His Word and bring light into this world. To have the world know us not by any external power or adornments, but simply by the lives we live for Him. To His glory forever, Amen!

When he was here...

thank you :)

Just want to say a thank YOU, i know you'll know it's you
It meant the world to me, that i had a wise ally in you
Knocked on many doors, many opened it halfway through
To them i'm definitely grateful

But you got your hands dirty, slogged in your fatigue
Did so much you didnt have to do
And perhaps you have done much more than i know
Gave more than i received

Will not trivalize my gratitude with words and gifts
They're insufficient for what i truly feel
So allow me to carry this debt of grace
And nurse this simple thank you

Will speak nay of repayment
For that i cannot and do not want to do
But please allow me to indulge myself every now and then
To do a little something for you

i will praise You

i will praise You

no matter what, no matter when

i will praise You

even when i don understand

i want to praise You

in midst of difficult circumstance

i want to praise You

even when it seems strange to man

~

i praise You

for who You are, the great I AM

i praise You

for You are good to the very end

i praise You

for everything You have done

i praise You

for You are You, my God and friend

Cornies

very unabashedly, i'll admit that my silence has everything to do with my significant other... who was here and left two days ago.. :p so to those who have been coming on to check for updates, sorry for the disappointments!! will try to get the pictures done soon and post them k? :)

so well, while clearing my 350 mails (!!!) in my office inbox yesterday- glad i read through some of those forwarded messages... its kinda outdated now, but this was sent by a colleague in light of the valentine's day last week.. i have to admit, these cornies still pack a pretty good reminder every now and then... read them if you have the time :) if not, well wait for my next entry!!

To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming somebody else's 'perfect person.' It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say 'I love you' if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...

To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
Love is not about 'it's your fault', but 'I'm sorry.' Not 'where are you', but 'I'm right here.' Not 'how could you', but 'I understand.' Not 'I wish you were', but 'I'm thankful you are.'

To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

for hiring... :p

in midst of my preoccupation of being the overworked and underpaid staff, i have been blinded to the silver linings of my current job. contentment is what this disgruntled and dissatisfied employee seeks now most to find.

in a desperate attempt to find a better paying job, i have almost forsaken wisdom and went job hunting foolishly. tried convincing myself that i will be able to survive anything and would take anything "as long as it pays better". and of course the gracious and merciful Father did not have me trapped in those nonsense for too long.

yes, money matters more now- but how can i allow it to matter more than having time for relationships? how can i allow it to matter more than being able to be there for people? how can i allow it to matter more than ministry? how can i allow it to matter more than my sanity and well-being? how can i allow it to matter more than enjoying what i do (though job satisfaction in this fallen world is not a priviledge everyone enjoys, but it does have a direct bearing on one's ability to be godly at work honestly)?

thankful for the really bad interview i had with a bank (more to do with my retardedness on financial management- i will acknowledge my inadequacies, but i also want to in all honesty recognize the bad fit between the job and my personality);
thankful for my dear Art who keeps reminding on where my gifts and passion really lies;
thankful for His timely reminders in showing me what He has given me through my current position, and His rebukes on my bad attitude and folly thus far.

so, i shall strive to continue to learn contentment again at work- but still keep my eyes roving for opportunities to up my market value (hahahha, is there one in the first place?). and well, you heard it here- so if you know of any good openings to offer, please tell me... i'm for hiring!!!

just a silly exercise i did tonight- thinking about all the jobs i have done so far in my life: admin duties in the construction industry, selling cheesecake (something i'm most proud of to date, hahaha), street sales, tuition teacher, audit, data management... EEKS... BORING...
though i'm not complaining about all the above, but i realize i probably have only two thirds of my life left to do something about some of my deepest desires and wild ideas...

serious ones warrant a quick mention (or not :p)- just having more time in ministry, and being a wife and a mother- SO AMBITIOUS!!!
but what i'd really love to have a go (maybe not too wild to you at all)- to be a waitress in a cozy friendly restaurant, to stand behind the counter at O'Briens and make sandwiches, to be a deejay and make everyone listen to my favourite music, to be a freelance columnist, to be a tour guide...

i'm for hiring!!!

VVIA

VERY VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

you heard it here first...... my art's coming on 13th Feb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

media n me

The size of your world depends a lot on the media- you know that? nope, not talking about a Truman show where your world is fabricated by the media; nor am I passing on a snide on the media and its pervasiveness in our lives… but in a very positive objective sense- the size of the world you know about is correlated to how much you allow the media to bring to you!

imagine a week that went by without reading the papers, without watching the news; and your life revolves only around your daily routine. that world would be a very safe one- in the absence of dramatic events. It would be a safe world to live in, with familiar problems you are accustomed to. You’re happy and contented and you wouldn’t know what you have missed at all! “World peace” isn’t such a far-fetched concept after all, you’d think.

but when you switch on the radio and listen to the news, or turn on the TV to watch what’s happening in another corner of this planet- your world suddenly reaches to the other end of this earth. of course, your response to it can either be to constrict that piece of information as something you watched on TV- so your world still remains as it used to be, or you allow your world to be affected by what you just came into contact with- and sadly utopia never seemed further away.

what on earth am I saying? honestly, I don know. just a random reflection on one’s ability to oblivion I guess. Conclusion: staying away from the media helps one to stay oblivious. And what’s the end result? Hmm.. being safer in a small cozy world or being branded an ignorant frog in the well. Which is better- I guess everyone makes their own choice.

苏菲亚的愿望 (JS)

sophia 离开了她的家
为了一个遥不可及的梦想
挥别了 深爱她的爹娘
还有从小看她长大
巷子口杂货店的张妈妈
sophia 她不太会说话
对这世界总有些奇怪想法
虽然说 没有人了解她
也许梦想中的城市
会有她的舞台绽放光芒

原谅她 只有这一个愿望
就像每一个孩子一样 很难吗
还要付出什么代价
上帝才能够成全她

她沉重的行囊 装着小小愿望
陪着她 这一路闯荡
也许挣扎 也许害怕
无所谓吧 下一步是天堂
这闪亮的城市 却看不见星光
忽然她 眼泪就落下
世界太小 梦想太大
难道人生是残酷的笑话
sophia... sophia

sophia 剪掉了长头发
单纯脸颊画上了鲜艳的妆
虽然她 不认识那个她
她却不断说服自己
这样的情况还不算太差
他们说 实现梦想的筹码
就是输掉一点点自己
但是她 看着镜子里面的她
怀疑这是她要的吗

她沉重的行囊 装着小小愿望
陪着她 这一路闯荡
也许挣扎 也许害怕
无所谓吧 下一步是天堂
这闪亮的城市 却看不见星光
忽然她 眼泪就落下
世界太小 梦想太大
难道人生是残酷的笑话
sophia... sophia

你或许听说过她 sophia
或其实你也是她
给她一点安慰吧
她沉重的行囊 装着小小愿望
陪着她 这一路闯荡
也许挣扎 也许害怕
无所谓吧 下一步是天堂

这闪亮的城市 却看不见星光
忽然她 眼泪就落下
世界再小 梦想再大
人生不会是残酷的笑话
她沉重的行囊 装着小小愿望
陪着她 这一路闯荡
世界再小 梦想再大
唯一不变的是她 sophia

Some fish for curious cats...

In all honesty...

Chew Chern asked me at the end of the STEP training on Wednesday, “so how did you find it?”
I replied “hmm.. good. I know why he (Rev William Taylor, Rector, St Helen's Bishopgate, London, UK) focused on what he did.”
"hmm.. ok.. "And she gave me a look expecting more…
I was like “Hmm… that’s about it”. Hope I didn’t disappoint her. :p

I can honestly identify with her sentiment at that point in time. I guess I know what I could have said to sound more encouraging, or saying something that might cause her to feel a little better? but pride (maybe?) in me just resists the temptation of feeding expectations. will share more about the good reminders from the session in a later entry, but this interaction in itself gave me much to chew upon. (chewing chew chern,,, chew chew hahaha..)

I recall a time when I wanted so badly to see lives to change right after a bible study I had led. Week after week I would be hoping and praying that the Holy Spirit would use ME to touch their lives and change them forever. Days when I invite someone to a talk and expect them to also rave about it as I did, and that they would have grown by leaps and bounds after that magical sermon. Hoping and praying that the Holy Spirit would use ME to bring them to that special conversion experience.

And my… none of my friends and close ones (yes I think I still consider them dearly loved) would even give me an ounce to feed my ego. “it’s ok, not too bad”, “err… like that lor”, “… nothing new” Pretty brutal for a young “leader” at that time, i'd think. Cruel for an enthusiastic spirit. Razed my pride and confidence to the ground, grueling my self-worth to new lows with every cold/luke-warm comment. I may be that lousy, honestly.. but still... it's kinda disappointing... I have wondered on many accounts why could they not be kinder to me, say something to make me feel better.. But would purpose would that have served? Would that have caused me to ask the questions I did?

Was I serving God or man or me? What drove my ministry? Did I do things so people would give me a pat on my back? Did I do things because I thought that might be what my pastor or leader would like me to do? Would I stop doing what I believe to be true because there seemed to be no fruit? What really mattered? Why did it matter? How should it matter? WHO really matters?

And standing at this point, I am mighty glad for the lessons God used their honesty to teach me. The refining of motivations, strengthening of perseverance, cleansing of my heart, and rooting of my self-identity and self worth in Him. to recognize Him as my first and primary audience in all that I do.

But also, their honesty also showed this eager-to-please beaver one of the most important lessons in her life. To simply be herself- and not who others make her out to be, to say what she really wants to say- and not what others want to hear, and to be honest with herself and to those around.

It’s not a “no self-control, just do it” propaganda. Actions and words still have to be girdled by love.. but they showed me, and gave me the environment to see the freedom there is in not having to put on a mask, and one can be loved and accepted for who that person is- whether or not he/she contributes to my ego or pride. It pushes me to want to give that environment to everyone I meet.

Homecoming

Back at home.. it’s of course nice to once again be in the arms of family and dearly loved friends. but the sentiments are mixed especially when you have half your heart elsewhere. :p haha yes, most unabashedly with my significant Ar-ther in Beijing. just a couple of random thoughts on being home so far…

believe it or not- there are changes to this garden city. not huge ones, but changes nonetheless. tweaks to the familiar shopping hangouts, surprises round the corners, new roads, new tunnels. cannot wait to visit these places and know this island at the back of my hand again. but of course the beauty of nostalgia rises in you as you pass by familiar spots. and my favorite activity of “contemplating the city” takes on a new dimension as I wait to share it with a loved one.

pastor zhang spoke on “fishing the Chinese-speaking Singaporeans” yesterday. I want to say as much as I totally agree with all that he said, I want to say that we’re not “picking up leftovers”- as in not that we’re doing a ministry that no one (i.e. the “English speaking church”) wants to do… coming back from Beijing, I honestly honestly believe that we’re “at the forefront” of this generation. Singaporeans today, driven by the Chinese economy, WANTS to speak Chinese. being fluent in mandarin is no longer perceived as a “cheena-passe” thing. it’s the “way to go”! We’ll be a church that sends His bilingual army into the land of bountiful harvests!! This warrants more discussion, maybe another entry on it another time.

the LDR (long-distance relationship) is a lot more emotional than I expected it to be. I will not say harder because it is not daunting nor am I fearful of the prospects. But this drama queen spent two nights bawling- and my sister cries “please save the trees” hahaahah…. I never expected to cry this hard from missing someone. And just on day one, this neurotic insecure wreck actually started to wonder if she should be a burden to her man. Day ONE… I know.. MAD and CRUEL… So I put this here so that if I ever ever fall into those moods ever, those around me can remind me that, even I think that THAT is insane and it is NOT something I want, ever. And also, just a public apology for being so BRUTAL to my loved one. *sorry hons, please forgive me :p*

even though I say half of my heart is with my man in another land, but don misunderstand me. I am excited excited excited and know know know that this season apart will be fruitful fruitful fruitful. Not only for us individually, our ministries but also for our relationship. so hey you at home, don ever think you only have half of me! I am here 100% doing my little bit for His Kingdom, so will he! to quote him- we Christians are pretty adept in living in two realities: for the present and now coz that is where I am, and also for the future and fulfillment of something better :)

I have not forgotten the questions on my future, the lessons of faith and my heart’s desires. But all too easily, the “must-do”s and “do-first”s may sweep me to settle. so I pray that my heart will be still before my Lord, my eyes will be open to see His plan unfold, my ears will be sensitive to hear Him speak, my hands and feet be willing to follow… His will be done...

Announcement

Hahaha.. actually nothing very much to say, just needed somewhere to make a BIG deal out of this day...

Arthur's finally coming back!!! YAY!!!

But already missing him from our next time apart... ah well, just enjoy these couple of days while it's here.. and cry later.. wahahaha....

Things You say...

Dear God,

how can man live a life for you today, with tomorrow in sight? how do I live a life of faith for you this year, while balancing preparations for the years after? I know you say do not worry about tomorrow and I know I will find you there providing still next year, so I ask of you this day, to tell me loud and clear.

I know you have given me good options, plausible possibilities- once again evidence of Your good provision. it’s an answer to my heart’s desire, it’s a dream come true, it’s a way out of my dire circumstances, it’s a sensible thing to receive if given, and it’s a place I can see you at work, it’s from you I am sure. I’ve wondered if this was a test, but you have reminded me you’re no accuser, no deliberate tester.
You are my loving Heavenly Father, and gave me Your best. You did not withhold Your Son, Your only son. And now You show me, You will always open a way for me- and truth be told, that is all I have but also the very best.
Like the woman who dropped the two copper coins, I want to give you all I have Lord. I want to give you the only way You have given to me for this circumstance. Like Abraham who laid His best on the altar, I want to surrender Your answer to my heart’s desire and possible fulfillment of a dream to you. Like a warrior who 自断后路 (leaving no course of retreat), will I have the courage to take that step of faith? Help me Lord, show me Thy way.

it’s a strange kind of morbidity, I never seem to be able to see past tomorrow. And so I ask if there might be anything I might regret if tomorrow never comes. If this year was my last, how will I live it? I will settle things at home and then join Art back here. I have not done a perfect job, but at least I have tried my best in all my weaknesses to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to my parents and sister in my last twenty five years. And now, He has given me the man for whom I can try to fulfill the God-given responsibilities to a woman since Eve. Not changing responsibilities, not in the least. Just new responsibilities, additional responsibilities. I want to serve alongside with him, wherever he chooses to be- so he can put his whole heart into Your work here, and not have to deal with my absence; and we can together labor and just be beside each other as You have graciously allowed us to.

Is it not with abandonment that the early church lived such radical lives? Waiting for Your return, living like there was no tomorrow, praying your Kingdom come… Your Kingdom is what I want to be living and working for Lord. i know its not about the fulfilling of a great “ministry” plan next year, , it’s simply living each day in that place where You rule- over my every thought, every deed. Lead my steps Lord, lead me to do the things You want me to do.

I am excited about Your work here Lord, You are at work- but living in Beijing will be a cross I have to carry if You bring me here :p. I am excited about Your work at home, You are at work- everywhere. So pray tell, which piece of the puzzle do I fit in now?

Just ramblings Lord, I am not anxious. Waiting to see You unravel Your plan in me, just trying to make sense of all the voices thus far. You tell me things loud and clear, please graciously do so for me this time round. Praying You’ll have me listen to You in the deepest of my hearts and obey.

mmmaaaaa....

you’ve been incredibly brave, incredibly strong
makes me proud to see, you standing in the storm
take a rest soon, lay your weary head
it’ll all blow away soon baby
and you wont be alone.

speechless

even though I’ve gone about the carousel of pain and grief many times over my last 25 years, I find myself none the wiser. no better word for a hurting heart, no more-effective balm for the soul in pain. equally helpless, equally speechless, if not more. knowing deeper with each experience, the inability for me or any man to be any remedy.

I want to say sorry that I’m so useless to you, and that I cant do anything to make you feel better. I can only promise that I want to be there for you in your shattered dreams, not sure if being there helps at all, but I want to be if you just let me stick around.
someone who may mouth seemingly hollow words and cliché comforts.. or clumsily sit around and say not a word, but this someone will not run should you just want to scream and shout, will not be hurrying you to be ok, and will just be quietly listening and praying…

because in different ways He has brought her through the cycle too, and she understands really. and she knows, He is the only one who can mend the broken heart, lift the downcast spirit, reach the deep where no one can and bring the light of the day after the dark night. She knows it to be true, that there will be one day when the skies will be blue again.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our pain, but we have one who has struggled in every way, just as we have--yet never gave up (trusting in His goodness and love). Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

*hopefully i wont be struck down by lightning for "mis-using" the Word of God*

*snow*

***

stood in my first snow this weekend
what a sight to behold
snowflakes falling from the heavens
landing on my coat

every flake a unique design
mystery of creation untold
begets deep wonder from within
joyful smiles in the cold

watched the white showers through my window
gentle stars flickering down
each owns only a brief moment on my pane
then disappears down memory lane

***

Starting 2007

A famine of blog entries and then one too many... but this holiday just gives me a lil more time to collect my thoughts... so well here i am again, with my second post of the day :p

STILL reading Spirit of Truth by David Jackman for QT (i know! hopelessly slow reader...), at his exposition on 1 Cor 12:27-14:1 ~ Love- the Spirit's Lifestyle, today. Remembered at PT's conference some years back, how that sermon challenged everything i know about love. And as Xun recounted- it's a common sight for people to be breaking down when singing worship songs as part of the emotional experience, but there at the conference people were paralysed, convicted, breaking down hearing and being confronted with the Word. The Spirit using the Living Word when faithfully taught to cut hearts and turn them to Him...

And reading it again today, it stirs up not just memories, but more strongly the desire to know Love deeper, to know how to love deeper... so starting 2007, with love... just a couple of gems to share with you.

So, when Paul tells the Corinthian church that spiritual gifts exercised without Christian love are a contradiction in terms, this is not just a narrow opinion designed to deal with a local incident. The whole prupose and privilege of New Covenant Christianity is at stake. Only the indwelling Spirit can create the love which is the mark of authentic Christ-likeness. ... Only love counts with God, because that alone is the hallmark of the Holy Spirit's activity. The vitality of a church then is not measured by its size, or the commitment of its members. Nor are its doctrinal soundess, its properity, or even its manifestation of spiritual gifts the ultimate criteria of its worth, before God. All these goals or standards are nothing, without love.

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Love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. This is the Spirit's lifestyle. Christian love upholds and supports everyone within the fellowship, in every situation. It never loses faith. This does not mean that Christian love is endlessly gullible, but, in Calvin's words, "it would rather be deceived by its gentleness of heart than injure a brother by suspicion."
The characteristic of love is that it is always ready to think the best, to put the most favorable construction on everything. This is why love never fails. It is indestructible; nothing can overcome it. No hardship or rebuff ever makes such love stop loving. The essence of "agape", the distinctive NT term which originates in and is modeled on God's love for us, is that it looks neither for worthiness in the object of its love nor for reciprocation from it. God loves because he is love and we love because he first loved us.

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The gifts are needed now, and graciously provided by God, to meet certain needs, but at their very best they can do so only imperfectly. When perfection comes, they will be obsolete. But love will not! That is Paul's point in v13. Love alone remains eternally. ...
Paul's argument is that gifts will cease. They are part of this world, not of the eternal realities. How foolish it would be, then, to major on what is temporal and transient, rather than on the eternal reality of love. That will never end. Even now faith, hope and love matter more than gifts or ministries. But faith will be replaced by sight and hope will be lost in fulfillment. Only love lasts forever, because it is the currency of heaven, the Spirit's life-style. The Kingdom of God is eternal, present-tense love, which is why love is the most excellent way.

"Love ever lives, forgives, outlives,

And ever stands, with open hands,
And while it lives, it gives,
And while it gives, it lives,
For this is love's prerogative-
To give and give and give."