In all honesty...

Chew Chern asked me at the end of the STEP training on Wednesday, “so how did you find it?”
I replied “hmm.. good. I know why he (Rev William Taylor, Rector, St Helen's Bishopgate, London, UK) focused on what he did.”
"hmm.. ok.. "And she gave me a look expecting more…
I was like “Hmm… that’s about it”. Hope I didn’t disappoint her. :p

I can honestly identify with her sentiment at that point in time. I guess I know what I could have said to sound more encouraging, or saying something that might cause her to feel a little better? but pride (maybe?) in me just resists the temptation of feeding expectations. will share more about the good reminders from the session in a later entry, but this interaction in itself gave me much to chew upon. (chewing chew chern,,, chew chew hahaha..)

I recall a time when I wanted so badly to see lives to change right after a bible study I had led. Week after week I would be hoping and praying that the Holy Spirit would use ME to touch their lives and change them forever. Days when I invite someone to a talk and expect them to also rave about it as I did, and that they would have grown by leaps and bounds after that magical sermon. Hoping and praying that the Holy Spirit would use ME to bring them to that special conversion experience.

And my… none of my friends and close ones (yes I think I still consider them dearly loved) would even give me an ounce to feed my ego. “it’s ok, not too bad”, “err… like that lor”, “… nothing new” Pretty brutal for a young “leader” at that time, i'd think. Cruel for an enthusiastic spirit. Razed my pride and confidence to the ground, grueling my self-worth to new lows with every cold/luke-warm comment. I may be that lousy, honestly.. but still... it's kinda disappointing... I have wondered on many accounts why could they not be kinder to me, say something to make me feel better.. But would purpose would that have served? Would that have caused me to ask the questions I did?

Was I serving God or man or me? What drove my ministry? Did I do things so people would give me a pat on my back? Did I do things because I thought that might be what my pastor or leader would like me to do? Would I stop doing what I believe to be true because there seemed to be no fruit? What really mattered? Why did it matter? How should it matter? WHO really matters?

And standing at this point, I am mighty glad for the lessons God used their honesty to teach me. The refining of motivations, strengthening of perseverance, cleansing of my heart, and rooting of my self-identity and self worth in Him. to recognize Him as my first and primary audience in all that I do.

But also, their honesty also showed this eager-to-please beaver one of the most important lessons in her life. To simply be herself- and not who others make her out to be, to say what she really wants to say- and not what others want to hear, and to be honest with herself and to those around.

It’s not a “no self-control, just do it” propaganda. Actions and words still have to be girdled by love.. but they showed me, and gave me the environment to see the freedom there is in not having to put on a mask, and one can be loved and accepted for who that person is- whether or not he/she contributes to my ego or pride. It pushes me to want to give that environment to everyone I meet.