and so my driver-cum-laptop carrier-cum-lunch deliverer-cum-RM buddy finished his contract with the company last Friday, and declined to renew his contract due to a job mis-fit and wacky colleague relations amongst many other reasons.
have gotten so accustomed to calling him the person I see most, over the last 3 years- save for my stint in Beijing- that I’m actually a little sad that I’m not gonna be able to say that any more. I saw him 7 days a week, and almost 10 hours of my waking time. and so allow me to indulge and recollect what listening to car tunes each morn with “my sister’s boyfriend” meant.
it’s nice to be able to ride in the car with someone whom you can listen to the radio with. always being the one who feels a need to engage people, it’s means a lot for me to just be able to sit in the car and listen to Glen & the Flying Dutchman with my sister and Xun, without saying very much else. I guess he’s family to me, already.
there are times I roll my eyes and knit my brows as he drives- with the reckless cut-ins and jerking and jam-braking. but all in all, he’s driven us safely to school and work- without getting into accidents. serving my sister and I when I am too tired to drive, even when the bags and rings around his eyes are a lot more worse. thanks for the rides!
oh.. and for all the conversations we’ve had in the car. the good ones and the bad. the ones that ended up in laughter or in tears. be it talking about the wedding or ministry, our families and friends, or soccer or the weather, or just me hearing you repeat things like an old recorder. and not to mention the fights that had me ending with “I cannot carry on this conversation any more, let’s just stop it here”. All sweet now.
Of course your presence in the office makes a difference too. And I will miss hearing the signature laughter, the jackfruit and chiku on my table, and just sneaking chats every now and then. Work-wise, you’ve been a great help in the office really- there were times of screw-ups but all in all, good job pal!
I’m praying that as this chapter of your life closes, you would have learnt a thing or two about yourself and bring them with you. And as another one opens, your friend here will be rooting for you to get that degree. Ganbate ne!!!!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Happy Rat Year?
after being missing for some time.. well here's just to wish you a happy Chinese New Year :)
it seems like Mickey isn't the only icon for this year of the Rat*... so will just use this latest mouse in town to greet you well :p
*: for my dear family and friends abroad, the chinese have their Zodiac signs taking after some animals and this year happens to be the year of the rat.
honestly, after that last rat that had wrecked havoc in my house last year, it really is tough for me to be looking at these pictures of rats with any ounce of affection. ate up our food, leaving lots of mess, leaving a stech where they have been, wrecking our nerves and putting us all on RED alert... 
what i'd most like to do with them is this.. if not, to engage Peter Piper to drown all the rats away.
what i'd most like to do with them is this.. if not, to engage Peter Piper to drown all the rats away.~
anyway... this year's new year visitations have been pretty fun. despite being tired out- 8 visitations on day 1, 4 visitations plus a sentosa trip on day 2. drunk uncles sprouting truths, lots of nuts and tarts, and having my Arthur around... all fun :)
~
but just some quiet reflections on the season - am kind of tickled by the prospect of deepening my relationship with some of my cousins since God has somehow brought them into my work vicinity and radar. praying that i can be faithful to Him in them.
~
the 2 sermons heard yesterday delivered a single message that came loud and clear- we are only as rich as how much we give. and it's a really timely reminder as Arthur & i are thinking about married life, our finances, budgets and all. praying that we can reflect our Daddy and give abundantly to those around us as He has given so richly to us. to be rich towards Him.. ang pows for our Heavenly Daddy, ever crossed your mind?
~
perhaps the only slight glitch is that i am still "happily" staying away from some people whom i wish i can get them out of my life... forgiveness is really tough as i have come to learn, and it really takes killing ourselves, denying our interests and putting Christ first to forgive. i know its a lesson i need to learn, and i am truly amazed at my mother for her popensity to forgive. but till the lesson is learnt, may He give me grace and mercy.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Scribbles on the Museum
Have been kinda quiet lately. partly because I have been really busy at work, also because most of my free time have been taken up preparing stuff for ministry, the wedding and all. and whatever little bit of time I have left, I’d rather be a bimbo and just relax.
And now that my man is here with me, I guess we’ll just be catching up on the wedding preparations and spending time with people. so expect yet another long drought of blog entries :p but before I go, hehe.. will leave you with a couple of scribbles on our trip to the National Museum yesterday…
It’s really really pretty. there were a couple of really cool concepts and ideas- modern interpretations of the history; the passage of time through swinging lamps; usage of art, lightings and sound to give the senses a wholistic experience; and lots of heart-warming sharing that gave the exhibits a personal touch.
We only managed to get on a guided tour through the Singapore History Gallery, explored the 4 galleries on Singapore Fashion, Film, Food and Living and rested our legs over Mocha @ Novus. All this took us 2.5 hours, and we didn’t even manage to go back to review the exhibits in the Singapore history although we very much wanted to. And I missed the Greek exhibition from the Lourve (I think Susan saw when she was in Beijing :p) that I so wanted to see L anyone keen to go there again with me?
sigh I’m a little masochistic I think. When we were apart, I was always thankful for the time apart that allows us to focus on ministry and other people. But first day he is here, am already upset about his departure 16 days later. Being around him makes me more keenly aware of what I’m missing out from being apart I think. but ah well, in good time in good time.
And now that my man is here with me, I guess we’ll just be catching up on the wedding preparations and spending time with people. so expect yet another long drought of blog entries :p but before I go, hehe.. will leave you with a couple of scribbles on our trip to the National Museum yesterday…
It’s really really pretty. there were a couple of really cool concepts and ideas- modern interpretations of the history; the passage of time through swinging lamps; usage of art, lightings and sound to give the senses a wholistic experience; and lots of heart-warming sharing that gave the exhibits a personal touch.
We only managed to get on a guided tour through the Singapore History Gallery, explored the 4 galleries on Singapore Fashion, Film, Food and Living and rested our legs over Mocha @ Novus. All this took us 2.5 hours, and we didn’t even manage to go back to review the exhibits in the Singapore history although we very much wanted to. And I missed the Greek exhibition from the Lourve (I think Susan saw when she was in Beijing :p) that I so wanted to see L anyone keen to go there again with me?
sigh I’m a little masochistic I think. When we were apart, I was always thankful for the time apart that allows us to focus on ministry and other people. But first day he is here, am already upset about his departure 16 days later. Being around him makes me more keenly aware of what I’m missing out from being apart I think. but ah well, in good time in good time.
***
oh and did i tell you.. he brought Sleeping Beauty here.. :p hahaha.. and so now we are one more cartoon richer in our Disney collection :)
ok, that’s all for a while. I guess I’d better wish you a Happy Chinese New Year first :p Better early than later.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
too free?
So Data Ops is gonna set up a blog site, and was asked on a personal favor to contribute one of the maiden entries.. goodness- how many side jobs do i have... but as usual, this sugar-cane being a sugar-cane once again goes under the presser.. and this is what she came up with...
What’s up for Chinese New Year?
Following on the well-received Christmas Decoration Competition (thank you so much for your participation, Data Ops!!), many have asked if the Social Comm was gonna organize a New Year Decoration Competition.
For fear that some creative precious souls will enjoy themselves so much, that they may really contemplate a career switch to doing decorations, Social Comm decided to lay off that indulgence this time. :p
One down side of that decision is however that our office will not have a chance to “look like a red packet”, and therefore you might not smell the (year of the) RAT creeping in. But I’m sure as all our warm-hearted colleagues start bringing in the pineapple tarts and peanut cookies, the festive cookies will not just lend its aroma to the office but fill the air with “Dong dong dong qiang!”
So is the Social Comm not doing anything for the Chinese New Year????
Of course…………
NOT!!! You can always count on us to give you the reason to let your hair loose during office hours, can’t you? :p
Good traditions ought to be preserved, and therefore Social Comm will be bringing you the Data Ops Annual Lo-Hei!!!
Rainbow colored veggies on a huge plate with sweet and sour sauce, precious salmon strips that bode you a good year of excesses, and the only chance during the year to pay no heed to mum’s advice- and play with your food with all you’ve got. How can you miss Lo-Hei??? Eating cannot get more fun than Lo-Hei :)
So don’t miss the chance to celebrate this New Year together with our Annual Lo-Hei, get your red packet from Steve-ye (the Chinese call their god of wealth- ‘Caishen-ye’), and eat as many Mandarin oranges as you can!!
Now, we’re just waiting for the Lion Dancers to dance into our office to kick-start our celebrations. Keep your eyes on your mailbox for more updates!
~jo, on behalf of Social Comm~
What’s up for Chinese New Year?
Following on the well-received Christmas Decoration Competition (thank you so much for your participation, Data Ops!!), many have asked if the Social Comm was gonna organize a New Year Decoration Competition.
For fear that some creative precious souls will enjoy themselves so much, that they may really contemplate a career switch to doing decorations, Social Comm decided to lay off that indulgence this time. :p
One down side of that decision is however that our office will not have a chance to “look like a red packet”, and therefore you might not smell the (year of the) RAT creeping in. But I’m sure as all our warm-hearted colleagues start bringing in the pineapple tarts and peanut cookies, the festive cookies will not just lend its aroma to the office but fill the air with “Dong dong dong qiang!”
So is the Social Comm not doing anything for the Chinese New Year????
Of course…………
NOT!!! You can always count on us to give you the reason to let your hair loose during office hours, can’t you? :p
Good traditions ought to be preserved, and therefore Social Comm will be bringing you the Data Ops Annual Lo-Hei!!!
Rainbow colored veggies on a huge plate with sweet and sour sauce, precious salmon strips that bode you a good year of excesses, and the only chance during the year to pay no heed to mum’s advice- and play with your food with all you’ve got. How can you miss Lo-Hei??? Eating cannot get more fun than Lo-Hei :)
So don’t miss the chance to celebrate this New Year together with our Annual Lo-Hei, get your red packet from Steve-ye (the Chinese call their god of wealth- ‘Caishen-ye’), and eat as many Mandarin oranges as you can!!
Now, we’re just waiting for the Lion Dancers to dance into our office to kick-start our celebrations. Keep your eyes on your mailbox for more updates!
~jo, on behalf of Social Comm~
Monday, January 21, 2008
my perfect day
wake up in the morning at 9
walk around the house in my pyjamys a little and spot the papers on the table.
have a piece of warm 9-grain toast with marmalade & sip my orange juice as I read the news.
fiddle around with my hair and decide to take a shower.
change into a white frock and flat slip-ons and out of the house I go.
settle into a breezy park to read my book.
when I am bored, take out my crayons and sketch book and just doodle a little.
I will spot the ice-cream man and he will give me a Haagen Daaz chocolate cone.
walk around the shimmery lake and smile to myself.
a child will pass me by and tell his mama that he wants an ice-cream too.
something tells me inside that it’s time to go home.
head home and fish out some leftovers from the refrigerator.
with dinner in the microwave, I take a hot shower and slip into my pyjamys again.
put in my DVD and sit in front of the tv eating dinner.
feeling good after my romantic comedy, I get ready for bed.
with a hot cup of tea and tucked into bed, I try to read
but after a while I fall asleep.
it’s nice to let your imagination run for a while to take you through your perfect day, at least it happened while it lasted :)
what’s your perfect day like?
walk around the house in my pyjamys a little and spot the papers on the table.
have a piece of warm 9-grain toast with marmalade & sip my orange juice as I read the news.
fiddle around with my hair and decide to take a shower.
change into a white frock and flat slip-ons and out of the house I go.
settle into a breezy park to read my book.
when I am bored, take out my crayons and sketch book and just doodle a little.
I will spot the ice-cream man and he will give me a Haagen Daaz chocolate cone.
walk around the shimmery lake and smile to myself.
a child will pass me by and tell his mama that he wants an ice-cream too.
something tells me inside that it’s time to go home.
head home and fish out some leftovers from the refrigerator.
with dinner in the microwave, I take a hot shower and slip into my pyjamys again.
put in my DVD and sit in front of the tv eating dinner.
feeling good after my romantic comedy, I get ready for bed.
with a hot cup of tea and tucked into bed, I try to read
but after a while I fall asleep.
it’s nice to let your imagination run for a while to take you through your perfect day, at least it happened while it lasted :)
what’s your perfect day like?
Monday, January 14, 2008
happy!
My trip to Gramaphone @ Cathay yesterday made me a very very happy woman.. my man cant quite access my blog in Beijing, and i usually dutifully send him my entries- i'm gonna make an exception this time hahahaa.. don tell on me please!!!
anyway, yes back to my trip to Gramaphone.. bought 2 VCDs which made me very very happy.. the reworked version of the Little Mermaid (my favourite- and Berno just told me it's hers too) & Cinderella!!!!!!! hehe.. its our little ambition to collect all the Disney classics you see.. can't wait to see the smile on his face when he sees the CDs.. don ask me what has a man got to do with Disney- let him answer that for himself.. but that was one of the things that made me know "we were made for each other" wahaha.. shallow hor..
a pity that the others like Beauty and the Beast ( moo moo's favie) & Sleeping Beauty (Arthur's favie) have not 
been reworked yet.. haiz so gotta wait.. let me know first hand if you ever see the ORIGINALs in the market!!!
been reworked yet.. haiz so gotta wait.. let me know first hand if you ever see the ORIGINALs in the market!!!anyhow, as if i'm not thrilled enough, Papa sent me a cup of Starbucks coffee (which i was still deliberating whether or not to get) through the Citibank officer at the music store. He took my biometrics and helped me signed up for the biometric payment thingy- which i was too lazy to get done some time back, and gave me a Tall Latte coupon. Double blessing!!! Xun, that's why i told you it's on Him.. hehe..
and not to mention the sunshine on Saturday so i could get all my laundry and mattresses sunned... Thank you Daddy!!! You've spoilt me this weekend you know that? *hugz*
Thursday, January 10, 2008
At the airport
The opening of T3 marks a new chapter in the aviation transport scene in Singapore. I must admit that I am surprised to find out that it is even bigger than the HK airport. Anyhow, I am not paid to do publicity and I have not been there, but the opening of the new airport terminal is nevertheless the source of inspiration for this entry.
The airport is one of the best places to people-watch. Every turn of the corner, you will be treated to a display of emotions and activities that you hardly see in the ordinary course of life. And it gives you the hope that the city dwellers are not that a cold-blooded bunch after all.
At the departure hall, you see families crowding around the son or daughter who is leaving for abroad. Mums shedding tears, dads fighting hard to control their emotions and patting their beloved on the shoulder as a sign of support. Friends gathering to say their last good-byes. In another corner, families are leaving happily to go on vacation. And yet in another scene, a businessman just passes through the customs briskly eager to settle down in Coffee Bean to get started on his laptop.
At the arrival hall, you see smiles everywhere. Anxious faces peering through the glass window, eager to catch the first glimpse of who they are waiting for. And when a wave is returned from someone familiar inside, a bright radiant smile breaks out. “There he is!” Exchanges of hugs and thankful glances to welcome the traveler home. Sweet.
I really do like the airport quite a bit. where emotions are worn on sleeves and no one too shy to show their love. Wish I can go by for a coffee some day soon to people watch again.
The airport is one of the best places to people-watch. Every turn of the corner, you will be treated to a display of emotions and activities that you hardly see in the ordinary course of life. And it gives you the hope that the city dwellers are not that a cold-blooded bunch after all.
At the departure hall, you see families crowding around the son or daughter who is leaving for abroad. Mums shedding tears, dads fighting hard to control their emotions and patting their beloved on the shoulder as a sign of support. Friends gathering to say their last good-byes. In another corner, families are leaving happily to go on vacation. And yet in another scene, a businessman just passes through the customs briskly eager to settle down in Coffee Bean to get started on his laptop.
At the arrival hall, you see smiles everywhere. Anxious faces peering through the glass window, eager to catch the first glimpse of who they are waiting for. And when a wave is returned from someone familiar inside, a bright radiant smile breaks out. “There he is!” Exchanges of hugs and thankful glances to welcome the traveler home. Sweet.
I really do like the airport quite a bit. where emotions are worn on sleeves and no one too shy to show their love. Wish I can go by for a coffee some day soon to people watch again.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Signing off 2007
As the waves of time bring us into 2008, let us be riding into it on the promises that He will be with us. As 2007 was, may 2008 be His as well :) Happy New Year Father, Jesus & Holy Spirit, and Blessed New Year folks!
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
You gently call me into your presence
guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands,
crafted into your perfect planYou gently call me into your presence
guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Take me, Mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sri Lanka
i know many of you might have been disappointed with my response when you asked me how is Sri Lanka. i guess i have not quite come round to the mixed feelings i've had on the trip, nix the jet lagged-ness :p
*
from why this trip is to be such a special one- of course any trips taken with my dear moo moo is in and of itself a precious experience, but well she knows the reason;
*
to the beauty that the land & people had to offer- the wild safari, the lush nature, the riches from the earth, pure beauty... but this is somewhat tainted by the rich-poverty gap, city-rural differences, effects of globalisation on this country;
*
to the stirrings it produced in me when i think about the political climate and instability of the country due to the LTTs, and how it has handicapped its growth to become one of Singapore's biggest threat, and the fact of how poor and fragile our little island is;
*
to how my heart soured when over and over again i am reminded of the truth that the Church is so weak today - the blue mosque in Turkey, the Buddhist & Hindu temples in Sri Lanka. despite being tourist attractions, they all had worshippers going into worship. But yet, the cathedrals in Europe only serve as pubs and cafes, and a tight slap across our faces...
I often prayed "Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing" when i see idol worship. But yet when faced with the huge statues i see, the "magnificence" of the temples constructed, the people throwing themselves down in "contrition" on "holy ground", the words could not come to my mouth.
The jealousy for God's glory failed my prayer. How does God stomach His creation giving their undying faith to stones? How can He endure seeing these things... And how can those who worship the true and living God give so little, when those who worship the false gods can give so much...
*
I enjoyed the trip, i really did. But i think the lessons it brought me this Christmas season is somewhat depressingly awakening... Pardon my failure to be more enthusiastic about Sri Lanka for now- it's a beautiful land with beautiful people, it really is. But i wish they could see the beauty of the One who had given them all these.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Cloudy updates
There’s something very romantically humbling about seeing clouds move.
When you raise your eyes upon the heavens and you see this giant piece of cloud roll by, paying no heed to the proud building standing before it. The concrete giant looks but like a clumsy, stiff block that ought not be there. The accomplishments of man that it seeks to boast of, is reduced to naught.
On a cool breezy day when you see the cirrus clouds against the backdrop of the clear blue skies, they look light and wispy and unimportant. But yet man will not be able to touch it, nor contain it, nor reach it. And this brings man back to the ground- that no matter how important we feel we are, there is actually very little we can do.
I used to be able to see a picture in every cloud when I was a little girl. Did an angel ride in that flurry car? Or care bears “stared” that into place. Is that candy for me? Maybe I can take a shower in that cloudy bath tub when I get to heaven.
Now, I only wish that I’d have time for this once favorite hobby again. And wish that I’d still be able to see the pictures within the clouds again.
***
And it makes me so pleased to be able to write in midst of my crazy schedule this week... makes me feel somehow i'm in touch with my inner self still...
***
As for now, i just want to wish my very special kor a Happy Birthday. The heavens rejoiced the day He made you years ago, and here today on earth, many are rejoicing that you are in our lives. Thanks for being who you are and coming my way :)
***
Anyhow, this day-dreamer is glad that she's able to go off for a holiday... so the next time you hear from me, its prob about the beautiful pearl of the Indian Ocean :) so here's just me wishing you a very blessed Christmas. And may the Hope, Peace, Joy and Love of this season be with you always...
When you raise your eyes upon the heavens and you see this giant piece of cloud roll by, paying no heed to the proud building standing before it. The concrete giant looks but like a clumsy, stiff block that ought not be there. The accomplishments of man that it seeks to boast of, is reduced to naught.
On a cool breezy day when you see the cirrus clouds against the backdrop of the clear blue skies, they look light and wispy and unimportant. But yet man will not be able to touch it, nor contain it, nor reach it. And this brings man back to the ground- that no matter how important we feel we are, there is actually very little we can do.
I used to be able to see a picture in every cloud when I was a little girl. Did an angel ride in that flurry car? Or care bears “stared” that into place. Is that candy for me? Maybe I can take a shower in that cloudy bath tub when I get to heaven.
Now, I only wish that I’d have time for this once favorite hobby again. And wish that I’d still be able to see the pictures within the clouds again.
***
And it makes me so pleased to be able to write in midst of my crazy schedule this week... makes me feel somehow i'm in touch with my inner self still...
***
As for now, i just want to wish my very special kor a Happy Birthday. The heavens rejoiced the day He made you years ago, and here today on earth, many are rejoicing that you are in our lives. Thanks for being who you are and coming my way :)
***
Anyhow, this day-dreamer is glad that she's able to go off for a holiday... so the next time you hear from me, its prob about the beautiful pearl of the Indian Ocean :) so here's just me wishing you a very blessed Christmas. And may the Hope, Peace, Joy and Love of this season be with you always...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A little bit of Enchantment
Really really like Enchanted.. i know, shoot me, it's such a girly, kiddy movie.. but honestly, it's so fun.. and so real… for one who has always longed for a little piece of magic in the city, there's nothing that beats seeing a fairy-tale princess fitting in so well and making a difference in the city.
"i could be that princess!" haha...
But of course, there is also that drool worthy Patrick Dempsey in the movie. Playing the New York lawyer whose heart was broken and never believed in "happily ever after", and wanted to shield his daughter from broken dreams by taking fairy tales out of her library. He’s a mirror of most city dwellers. Thankfully, having met the love of his life before he settled for a sensible safe solution- the magic returned to his dull city life.
Enchanted is enchanting, especially if you’d give the movie more thought. There is so much philosophy in it. Do fairy tales belong only in story books- do we not need to believe in it to live a spirited life? Can we not live in a castle with our feet planted on earth? What is reality? Will you be able to handle magic when it happens? Extend that thought to the Christian faith.
"i could be that princess!" haha...
But of course, there is also that drool worthy Patrick Dempsey in the movie. Playing the New York lawyer whose heart was broken and never believed in "happily ever after", and wanted to shield his daughter from broken dreams by taking fairy tales out of her library. He’s a mirror of most city dwellers. Thankfully, having met the love of his life before he settled for a sensible safe solution- the magic returned to his dull city life.
Enchanted is enchanting, especially if you’d give the movie more thought. There is so much philosophy in it. Do fairy tales belong only in story books- do we not need to believe in it to live a spirited life? Can we not live in a castle with our feet planted on earth? What is reality? Will you be able to handle magic when it happens? Extend that thought to the Christian faith.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Really tired…
I am seriously wondering how much longer I can hold out
I don’t even know if I am ok or not
But I do not dare to give it serious consideration.
He has made me strong for He is my fortress
But I am tired of being strong
So tired of being the one there every time.
I wish I was as optimistic as I sound on stage
Swallowed tears and stomached the fears
The torrents still rage inside.
They do not even know they have disappointed me
And how they have worn me out
But I do not think they care.
Perhaps it was wise to just stay away
To set up that emotional barricade
Maybe next time, it will not be too late.
I don’t even know if I am ok or not
But I do not dare to give it serious consideration.
He has made me strong for He is my fortress
But I am tired of being strong
So tired of being the one there every time.
I wish I was as optimistic as I sound on stage
Swallowed tears and stomached the fears
The torrents still rage inside.
They do not even know they have disappointed me
And how they have worn me out
But I do not think they care.
Perhaps it was wise to just stay away
To set up that emotional barricade
Maybe next time, it will not be too late.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Rants on Thanksgiving
Sorry been so quiet lately… Energy has been kinda low heh…
The mad rush before I left for Beijing, the hasty trip home, Grandma’s funeral and all the aftermath, and currently dealing with a strong temptation to disown all my nasty relatives. Argh- thank God I am not God, honestly… how does He tolerate all the wickedness and still act with grace? that’s why He’s God and I’m not… but nevertheless carrying the cross of Christ to love my enemies has been one too heavy of late. I know I will not be able to stand if He acts only with justice, so I am not sulking but I need Him to teach me how to love and give me the capacity to.
And not to mention all the undercurrents at home with dad’s physical health & his childish ways, mum’s emotional well-being & her anxiety, renovations, packing & clearing and waiting for people to chase us out of the house.. hehhehe, and thinking about a trip with moo-moo? oh yes, and the wedding too. and missing my other half BIG TIME. faintz.
I know my lot is not too heavy at all, and compared to many others He has been really good to us. but for now, I might just need to space out a little more- before Christmas comes.
The mad rush before I left for Beijing, the hasty trip home, Grandma’s funeral and all the aftermath, and currently dealing with a strong temptation to disown all my nasty relatives. Argh- thank God I am not God, honestly… how does He tolerate all the wickedness and still act with grace? that’s why He’s God and I’m not… but nevertheless carrying the cross of Christ to love my enemies has been one too heavy of late. I know I will not be able to stand if He acts only with justice, so I am not sulking but I need Him to teach me how to love and give me the capacity to.
And not to mention all the undercurrents at home with dad’s physical health & his childish ways, mum’s emotional well-being & her anxiety, renovations, packing & clearing and waiting for people to chase us out of the house.. hehhehe, and thinking about a trip with moo-moo? oh yes, and the wedding too. and missing my other half BIG TIME. faintz.
I know my lot is not too heavy at all, and compared to many others He has been really good to us. but for now, I might just need to space out a little more- before Christmas comes.
***
Reading Knowing God by J.I Packer right now. it’s bringing me to a place where I don even know how to react/ behave in God’s presence. What shall I say in light of His perfect wisdom? How shall I react to His absolute power? Where shall I kneel in His Majesty’s holy court? The corner at His feet that I covet for so long seems too much to ask for. It’s awkward, I feel small, but yet so hungry to know Him more and more.
It’s thanksgiving today, so I guess for now, I want to thank God for being God, and who He is. Glory be to Him alone.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Grandma
Grandma fell asleep in the early hours last Thursday morning- 1 November 2007, having lived a good 92 years.
Having possessed incredible will power and strength, she was one spirited woman who embraced and stayed interested in life till the very end. She was beautiful, hospitable, and made the best soon-kueh in the whole universe. From a headstrong woman who saved for her own ticket from China to Singapore to be with her husband despite objections from the elders, to a rich young mistress being waited hand and foot by 3 maid servants, to a mother of 7 children, a feisty grandma, she used her life to write a story for many others. Never a plain Jane nor a simple sugar cookie, Grandma was one hot spicy chili padi.
There is much much more I can boast about her, but even as my loss starts settling in on me, I am sometimes finding it hard to accept the reality of my relationship with her. (Forgive this selfish indulgent piece.)
There are nights when a sharp pain sears through my heart as i try to listen out for the sound of her walking stick along the corridor. But yet flipping through old albums, I find myself being unable to connect to the Grandma I see in the pictures. I struggle to rekindle the memories that I have of her and how I felt towards her before her health started to fail. But the final years of making faces to each other at the dining table wrenches my heart dry.
I tried to jolt my memories long and hard, and tried to describe my relationship with her. But almost despairingly, I had only one conclusion- I probably didn’t know Grandma. I knew lots about her, there are many stories I can tell and many boasts that makes me swell with pride to have her as my grandmother- but I have to admit that I never did know her. I know about the legends that surround her. But who she really was, what she really felt at each juncture, how she became who she was finally- even though I slept next to her, I don’t think I really knew her.
I mistakenly thought that I had tried my best to love her as a grand-daughter, tried to spend time with her, tried to talk to her, do things for her. But as I try to retrace the journey we took, I think I was the one who killed my relationship with her.
I had learnt the hard way that many of my loved ones can never love me the way I hope they did- and she was one of those whom I had erected a wall between us to protect myself from disappointment. There are some whom you love, and hope and hope they can grow to be the best person in light of God’s glory, but there are also some whom you had to force that hope to die for the relationship to survive- and she was one of those whom I gave up on. I surrendered trying to know and understand her, and settled for a superficial “fulfilling all righteousness”.
But of course there are many factors like the generation gap, education, love language, need for emotional connectedness that could have prevented us from relating on the level that I wished we had- but I wish the reason was not because I gave up. May this be a lesson I learn long and hard.
Do not worry, I am not swamped by grief, remorse nor guilt. I know so clearly the grace and benefits I have received from Grandma. This grand-daughter had been the unworthy recipient of Grandma’s tireless daily prayers for the family which God heard and answered, Grandma’s best love, thoughts, smiles and praises for her, the trainings and lessons God had taught her and will continue to teach her through Grandma’s life, and the many many other ways God had blessed her family through Grandma. And she will hold on to these thoughts and look forward to knowing Grandma better in eternity.
Ma-ma, I love you and will miss you very much. See you in time to come!
Having possessed incredible will power and strength, she was one spirited woman who embraced and stayed interested in life till the very end. She was beautiful, hospitable, and made the best soon-kueh in the whole universe. From a headstrong woman who saved for her own ticket from China to Singapore to be with her husband despite objections from the elders, to a rich young mistress being waited hand and foot by 3 maid servants, to a mother of 7 children, a feisty grandma, she used her life to write a story for many others. Never a plain Jane nor a simple sugar cookie, Grandma was one hot spicy chili padi.
There is much much more I can boast about her, but even as my loss starts settling in on me, I am sometimes finding it hard to accept the reality of my relationship with her. (Forgive this selfish indulgent piece.)
There are nights when a sharp pain sears through my heart as i try to listen out for the sound of her walking stick along the corridor. But yet flipping through old albums, I find myself being unable to connect to the Grandma I see in the pictures. I struggle to rekindle the memories that I have of her and how I felt towards her before her health started to fail. But the final years of making faces to each other at the dining table wrenches my heart dry.
I tried to jolt my memories long and hard, and tried to describe my relationship with her. But almost despairingly, I had only one conclusion- I probably didn’t know Grandma. I knew lots about her, there are many stories I can tell and many boasts that makes me swell with pride to have her as my grandmother- but I have to admit that I never did know her. I know about the legends that surround her. But who she really was, what she really felt at each juncture, how she became who she was finally- even though I slept next to her, I don’t think I really knew her.
I mistakenly thought that I had tried my best to love her as a grand-daughter, tried to spend time with her, tried to talk to her, do things for her. But as I try to retrace the journey we took, I think I was the one who killed my relationship with her.
I had learnt the hard way that many of my loved ones can never love me the way I hope they did- and she was one of those whom I had erected a wall between us to protect myself from disappointment. There are some whom you love, and hope and hope they can grow to be the best person in light of God’s glory, but there are also some whom you had to force that hope to die for the relationship to survive- and she was one of those whom I gave up on. I surrendered trying to know and understand her, and settled for a superficial “fulfilling all righteousness”.
But of course there are many factors like the generation gap, education, love language, need for emotional connectedness that could have prevented us from relating on the level that I wished we had- but I wish the reason was not because I gave up. May this be a lesson I learn long and hard.
Do not worry, I am not swamped by grief, remorse nor guilt. I know so clearly the grace and benefits I have received from Grandma. This grand-daughter had been the unworthy recipient of Grandma’s tireless daily prayers for the family which God heard and answered, Grandma’s best love, thoughts, smiles and praises for her, the trainings and lessons God had taught her and will continue to teach her through Grandma’s life, and the many many other ways God had blessed her family through Grandma. And she will hold on to these thoughts and look forward to knowing Grandma better in eternity.
Ma-ma, I love you and will miss you very much. See you in time to come!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
SEX SEX SEX (I) – Caution, Lust
I speak not from the point of a feminist, nor care if you call me conservative. There is no political agenda, just some of my thoughts on the myriad of issues and movies that came up recently.
We’ve heard it before, sex sells. no doubt, it’s all about sex. Sex makes people sit up, sex is used in commercials, sex is used in movies, sex is used in art, sex is used to spark controversies. Sex makes money, sex brings fame, sex rules. period. Truth is, sex is but used.
We’ve come a long way from the time when speaking about sex is taboo. But we have swung right to the other end when sex is no more but a tool for manipulation. It’s tragic. Those people claim liberation from conservatism, claim honesty to speak of what goes on behind the bedroom doors, claim boldness to flaunt what they have, claim equality for the minority, claim freedom in expression,. Truth is, they are but claiming their three seconds of frantic fame.
When a director insists on using in-your-face sex scenes to portray the intensity of the characters to stay true to the story. When actors hide behind the excuse “I will strip for the script”, “I trust the director”, etc. When audiences appreciate sex scenes calling it an appreciation of art and slam the censors for “killing off art”.
What if someone asked the director how much he loved his wife on his anniversary- would he make love with her for all to see under the public eye? Surely he can be more creative as a director to use other artistic expressions to portray the innuendos of his leading man & lady? Take away the gamble of commercial contracts, press coverage, moolah, limelight or self-gratification, would the actor make a documentary for sex education in school? How about getting an audience for your personal night activities in your bed- you’re doing the artistic scene a great service for enabling more people to appreciate art.
I have long accepted the fact that sex sells. Our depraved generation lives on graphic gratification of our senses. Its tragic- but it’s one of the truths of this fallen world. Just don tell me that its artistic, don hide behind flowery justifications, don elevate yourself and claim to be “sacrificing for the story”. Worse still, don be grossly mistaken that you’re beautifying sex- by laying its beauty and intensity for all to see. Truth is when sex becomes a tool for manipulation and self-gratification, the beauty of sex is murdered.
I am sex. I was created to be perfect. I was designed to make two become one. He gives me as a gift to those in love and vowed to give their lives to each other. I thrive and grow best when the two are deeply in love. When she is inside him, and he thinks of nothing but bringing her pleasure, I soar. I help them to experience a fraction of how intimate one can be with another. Finally, they might understand a little the tension and passion that have long existed in my Creator for them. I am an exclusive gift, but I am slowly dying away. Many have murdered and killed me. I have been raped, abused, placed on public displays. I can feel that I am slowly slipping away. From the faithful wife, I have been made out to be the wanton prostitute. When love is replace for lust, I have been stripped of my created perfection.
p/s: i am not against any particular movie. A good story well told is always a sweet indulgence. But i beg for creativity in telling a story- how artistic is one truly being when you just throw a truck into your face?
We’ve heard it before, sex sells. no doubt, it’s all about sex. Sex makes people sit up, sex is used in commercials, sex is used in movies, sex is used in art, sex is used to spark controversies. Sex makes money, sex brings fame, sex rules. period. Truth is, sex is but used.
We’ve come a long way from the time when speaking about sex is taboo. But we have swung right to the other end when sex is no more but a tool for manipulation. It’s tragic. Those people claim liberation from conservatism, claim honesty to speak of what goes on behind the bedroom doors, claim boldness to flaunt what they have, claim equality for the minority, claim freedom in expression,. Truth is, they are but claiming their three seconds of frantic fame.
When a director insists on using in-your-face sex scenes to portray the intensity of the characters to stay true to the story. When actors hide behind the excuse “I will strip for the script”, “I trust the director”, etc. When audiences appreciate sex scenes calling it an appreciation of art and slam the censors for “killing off art”.
What if someone asked the director how much he loved his wife on his anniversary- would he make love with her for all to see under the public eye? Surely he can be more creative as a director to use other artistic expressions to portray the innuendos of his leading man & lady? Take away the gamble of commercial contracts, press coverage, moolah, limelight or self-gratification, would the actor make a documentary for sex education in school? How about getting an audience for your personal night activities in your bed- you’re doing the artistic scene a great service for enabling more people to appreciate art.
I have long accepted the fact that sex sells. Our depraved generation lives on graphic gratification of our senses. Its tragic- but it’s one of the truths of this fallen world. Just don tell me that its artistic, don hide behind flowery justifications, don elevate yourself and claim to be “sacrificing for the story”. Worse still, don be grossly mistaken that you’re beautifying sex- by laying its beauty and intensity for all to see. Truth is when sex becomes a tool for manipulation and self-gratification, the beauty of sex is murdered.
I am sex. I was created to be perfect. I was designed to make two become one. He gives me as a gift to those in love and vowed to give their lives to each other. I thrive and grow best when the two are deeply in love. When she is inside him, and he thinks of nothing but bringing her pleasure, I soar. I help them to experience a fraction of how intimate one can be with another. Finally, they might understand a little the tension and passion that have long existed in my Creator for them. I am an exclusive gift, but I am slowly dying away. Many have murdered and killed me. I have been raped, abused, placed on public displays. I can feel that I am slowly slipping away. From the faithful wife, I have been made out to be the wanton prostitute. When love is replace for lust, I have been stripped of my created perfection.
p/s: i am not against any particular movie. A good story well told is always a sweet indulgence. But i beg for creativity in telling a story- how artistic is one truly being when you just throw a truck into your face?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
One year today!
365 days ago, he was sitting opposite me eating the fish porridge I had prepared for a sick boy. It was Tuesday. He told me on Sunday- the day mum left Beijing, that he needed to talk to me. After some days of fearlessly showing my parents around on his own last week, and trying to communicate with them with his broken Chinese, I was wondering if that might be it.
And of course I wasn’t all that dumb, after all JC years have taught me well- “guys simply don do things without a reason”, especially when they were exceptionally nice. So I had been thinking and praying about things for as long as it lasted- even though his signals were so confusing at his best.
Being able to spot me without fail every Sunday to sit near me despite his many commitments, but turning his back to ride home when he had the chance to walk me home. Trying so hard to organize group outings, but not keeping me company on my grocery trip when we bumped into each other in midst of Sunday’s Beijing shopping crowd at Carrefour.
All confusion aside, there were lots of godly American girls in church and many many Asian girls who were vying for his attention- and I was more than happy to let them have his. It was easy for me to brush any possibilities aside. My puny brain could not entertain so much confusion, nor was it keen to take on competition at all. We’re just friends- that is all there is. But yet the insane number of emails started to mean something along the way, his sms’s left her smiling to herself and the many casual conversations they had caused her to wonder if he was for real.
So this paranoid girl had been praying- and her very first prayer about him (specifically) went like this, “Father, I don really like him at this point that way, but I really really do like him as a friend. So if this is gonna go anywhere, You have my heart. make it fall in love with him.” And I guess He did.
On the day when his stomach was topsy turvy (likely to be psychological), and during a conversation about microwaves and ovens, he asked for a chance to pursue her. She darted her eyes all around the room, rambled on about this and that, recited her thoughts on the matter, and said a very confusing “yes”.
Some were skeptical of us making it through the distance and time apart, but here we are one year down the road, and she has said a even more significant “yes” 2 months ago. Some had asked her if it was too hasty; and she wonders still at times if “he’s the right one”. But every time, the answers return the same.
He had been with me right from the start on this, He was the one who made my heart fall for Arthur. And as clearly as I see his flaws and being one who was far from perfect- I see also clearly how we are perfect for each other. And when you meet the one you know He has meant for you to carry on the journey with, you cannot wait for the best possible mode of travel to start. This journey started with faith and every single day He had given is grace- may His love keep us till the end. Soli Deo Gloria.
And of course I wasn’t all that dumb, after all JC years have taught me well- “guys simply don do things without a reason”, especially when they were exceptionally nice. So I had been thinking and praying about things for as long as it lasted- even though his signals were so confusing at his best.
Being able to spot me without fail every Sunday to sit near me despite his many commitments, but turning his back to ride home when he had the chance to walk me home. Trying so hard to organize group outings, but not keeping me company on my grocery trip when we bumped into each other in midst of Sunday’s Beijing shopping crowd at Carrefour.
All confusion aside, there were lots of godly American girls in church and many many Asian girls who were vying for his attention- and I was more than happy to let them have his. It was easy for me to brush any possibilities aside. My puny brain could not entertain so much confusion, nor was it keen to take on competition at all. We’re just friends- that is all there is. But yet the insane number of emails started to mean something along the way, his sms’s left her smiling to herself and the many casual conversations they had caused her to wonder if he was for real.
So this paranoid girl had been praying- and her very first prayer about him (specifically) went like this, “Father, I don really like him at this point that way, but I really really do like him as a friend. So if this is gonna go anywhere, You have my heart. make it fall in love with him.” And I guess He did.
On the day when his stomach was topsy turvy (likely to be psychological), and during a conversation about microwaves and ovens, he asked for a chance to pursue her. She darted her eyes all around the room, rambled on about this and that, recited her thoughts on the matter, and said a very confusing “yes”.
Some were skeptical of us making it through the distance and time apart, but here we are one year down the road, and she has said a even more significant “yes” 2 months ago. Some had asked her if it was too hasty; and she wonders still at times if “he’s the right one”. But every time, the answers return the same.
He had been with me right from the start on this, He was the one who made my heart fall for Arthur. And as clearly as I see his flaws and being one who was far from perfect- I see also clearly how we are perfect for each other. And when you meet the one you know He has meant for you to carry on the journey with, you cannot wait for the best possible mode of travel to start. This journey started with faith and every single day He had given is grace- may His love keep us till the end. Soli Deo Gloria.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
an inconvenient truth
sat through Al Gore’s lecture on global warming the other night with my sister and Xun. it’s a pretty good & sincere production, comprehensively informative & persuasive – leaving no stones unturned on trying to convince the audience of the disastrous effects of global warming; albeit one “cheesy” reason of him pursuing this cause because he nearly lost his son.
there were not just breath-taking scenes of glaciers splitting into two, alarming projections of the cities that would be drowned if Greenland & the Artic were to melt; there were also quite a number of memorable quotes that left her with mind with much to chew on. even the title…
The documentary started with the premise that people choose to be blind to the effects of global warming because “the moral imperative to make big changes is inescapable” – hence (I believe) the title “an inconvenient truth”.
I like Gore’s association between the truth and a moral imperative. Honestly the problem with mankind today, is the unbelievable ability to divorce truth and moral action. If everyone acted on the truths that stared so starkly in our faces, maybe we will not have slavery, or oppression, or discrimination, or people dying of obesity in one corner of the earth and malnutrition on the other, or global warming at least. If only people saw the need to act, and not remove the self when confronted with inconvenient truths. If only they would say “I need to and can do something…”
paradoxically, it is precisely the clear understanding of the moral imperative of Christianity that causes people to reject Jesus. When inconvenienced with the truth that I am not a good person but a sinner and have to bear God’s wrath. That me a sinner cannot save myself, but have to depend on Another to die for my sake. And I have to believe in Him to be saved. “I know where this is going, but I don’t want to believe…”
I like another quote toward the end of the show.
“it is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon him not understanding it” Upton Sinclair
Truths are inconvenient- if they aren’t they won’t be truths. So the question is, if something is true, will you act on it? Does the truth matter to you?
perhaps my little bit for global warming for now, check out http://www.climatecrisis.net/ or watch the film.
there were not just breath-taking scenes of glaciers splitting into two, alarming projections of the cities that would be drowned if Greenland & the Artic were to melt; there were also quite a number of memorable quotes that left her with mind with much to chew on. even the title…
The documentary started with the premise that people choose to be blind to the effects of global warming because “the moral imperative to make big changes is inescapable” – hence (I believe) the title “an inconvenient truth”.
I like Gore’s association between the truth and a moral imperative. Honestly the problem with mankind today, is the unbelievable ability to divorce truth and moral action. If everyone acted on the truths that stared so starkly in our faces, maybe we will not have slavery, or oppression, or discrimination, or people dying of obesity in one corner of the earth and malnutrition on the other, or global warming at least. If only people saw the need to act, and not remove the self when confronted with inconvenient truths. If only they would say “I need to and can do something…”
paradoxically, it is precisely the clear understanding of the moral imperative of Christianity that causes people to reject Jesus. When inconvenienced with the truth that I am not a good person but a sinner and have to bear God’s wrath. That me a sinner cannot save myself, but have to depend on Another to die for my sake. And I have to believe in Him to be saved. “I know where this is going, but I don’t want to believe…”
I like another quote toward the end of the show.
“it is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon him not understanding it” Upton Sinclair
Truths are inconvenient- if they aren’t they won’t be truths. So the question is, if something is true, will you act on it? Does the truth matter to you?
perhaps my little bit for global warming for now, check out http://www.climatecrisis.net/ or watch the film.
Friday, October 05, 2007
26 today!
Twenty six years ago, He formed me from the miry clay… breathed life into me and took me out of my mother’s womb (thanks for carrying me for 9 months mummy)… fed me from my father’s hands (thanks for all your toil and sweat daddy, it’s tough I know)… gave me my preciousiest little moo moo (mmaaaaaaaa muacks) … brought so many dear ones into my life who are willing to be called my friends (to you be my little little thanks, wish there was more I can do & be for you)… had me find the one whose rib i’m made out of (*blink blink*)… gave Himself to give me life (I can never understand why)…
and all the many gifts He’s given to me, lessons He took me through, the falling leaves & car park lots, all that He has done for me…
and all the many gifts He’s given to me, lessons He took me through, the falling leaves & car park lots, all that He has done for me…
To God be the glory… :)
Movie minute
My newest hobby- watching videos from Video Ezy… Weifeng just told me that it’s really expensive- but ah well I made an investment with them some time ago already, so till that runs out, I’m gonna stick my head into the video shop every now and then to catch up on the movies I’ve missed..
So here’s just to sprawl a couple of contributions my new hobby has made recently (not a self-acclaimed movie critic like some, so don expect anything more than my random thoughts)–
Fast Food Nation
Manure in my burger patty, an angry cook’s spit in my food? Surprisingly, that didn’t make me gag too much. Perhaps it’ll make me lay off burgers for a while, but as Bruce Willis said in the show “we all gotta eat a little shit sometimes” (more true figuratively than literally…)
But what really chilled me in this movie though, is this one single scene. When Sylvia was sitting there crying because her husband Raul got his leg amputated when he accidentally fell into this chopping machine. So with her husband lying on the operation table, she could only wait helplessly outside. The company’s HR officer wasted no time in getting to her. Speaking though a translator, he introduced himself, expressed his regret at the company’s inability to compensate the poor Mexican couple because her husband was tested positive for drugs, and all too eager to “show her the positive test results” when poor Sylvia shook her head in disbelief.
It made me feel so so cold. Like an eagle sweeping to its helpless prey. Seeing someone crying so badly in front of you, all you do is to absolve the company’s responsibility in their circumstance. Not withstanding that it is the foreman who introduced the drugs to these workers, and how can one expect the Mexican with his poor English understand a single word of that “Safety first” video?
MNCs. Company policies. Unethical exploitation of workers. The disregard of another human's dignity in life. Luring them to the glitzy world and extinguishing their hopes like killing a fly. The world out there is turning into a mean machine, and treating people like they are bolts and nuts.
"White-washed tombs" (Jesus) cannot be more apt a description. Under the sophisticated packaging, it's just a heap of decay. Shame on you.
Babel
Artistic. It’s the details in the last few scenes that make you understand what you’ve been watching for the last 120 minutes or so. Very nice.
So here’s just to sprawl a couple of contributions my new hobby has made recently (not a self-acclaimed movie critic like some, so don expect anything more than my random thoughts)–
Fast Food Nation
Manure in my burger patty, an angry cook’s spit in my food? Surprisingly, that didn’t make me gag too much. Perhaps it’ll make me lay off burgers for a while, but as Bruce Willis said in the show “we all gotta eat a little shit sometimes” (more true figuratively than literally…)
But what really chilled me in this movie though, is this one single scene. When Sylvia was sitting there crying because her husband Raul got his leg amputated when he accidentally fell into this chopping machine. So with her husband lying on the operation table, she could only wait helplessly outside. The company’s HR officer wasted no time in getting to her. Speaking though a translator, he introduced himself, expressed his regret at the company’s inability to compensate the poor Mexican couple because her husband was tested positive for drugs, and all too eager to “show her the positive test results” when poor Sylvia shook her head in disbelief.
It made me feel so so cold. Like an eagle sweeping to its helpless prey. Seeing someone crying so badly in front of you, all you do is to absolve the company’s responsibility in their circumstance. Not withstanding that it is the foreman who introduced the drugs to these workers, and how can one expect the Mexican with his poor English understand a single word of that “Safety first” video?
MNCs. Company policies. Unethical exploitation of workers. The disregard of another human's dignity in life. Luring them to the glitzy world and extinguishing their hopes like killing a fly. The world out there is turning into a mean machine, and treating people like they are bolts and nuts.
"White-washed tombs" (Jesus) cannot be more apt a description. Under the sophisticated packaging, it's just a heap of decay. Shame on you.
Babel
Artistic. It’s the details in the last few scenes that make you understand what you’ve been watching for the last 120 minutes or so. Very nice.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
“Come be my Light”
Stolen and Inspired by Huixin’s blog on Mother Teresa.
Jesus has a very special love for you. But for me - The silence and the emptiness is so great-that I look and do not see, - Listen and do not hear- the tongue moves (in prayer) but does not speak...I want you to pray for me- that I let HIM have a free hand.''[Mother Teresa to the Rev.Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979]
''She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her inner state and her public demeanor. ''The smile,'' she writes, is a mask'' or ''a cloak that covers everything.'' Similarly she wonders whether she is engaged in verbal deception. ''I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God - tender, personal love, '' she remarks to an advisor. ''If you were there, you would have said ''What hypocrisy''
'' The more I want of him- the less I am wanted,''...''Such deep longing for God- and repulsed-empty-no faith-no love-no zeal- [The saving of] souls hold no attraction-Heaven means nothing-pray for me please that I keep smiling at HIM in spite of everything.''
~ Startling for non-Christians perhaps, when they read of the doubts & struggles Mother Teresa had. But ask any honest Christian, and they’d tell you that these dark nights did not belong to Mother Teresa alone. It’s true. Even till today, I still say this prayer that I used to pray every day – “That if I had not known You till today, and I was mistaken of my faith. Let this then be the moment now that I confess and claim You as my Lord, Jesus.”
But one thing i'd add though is that for all the doubts i might have, i'd have the hope of them being answered when i see Him face to face one fine day. Not sure if the answers would matter at that time, but still He remains the only One who has promised to be there at the end- and take me as I am.
Jesus has a very special love for you. But for me - The silence and the emptiness is so great-that I look and do not see, - Listen and do not hear- the tongue moves (in prayer) but does not speak...I want you to pray for me- that I let HIM have a free hand.''[Mother Teresa to the Rev.Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979]
''She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her inner state and her public demeanor. ''The smile,'' she writes, is a mask'' or ''a cloak that covers everything.'' Similarly she wonders whether she is engaged in verbal deception. ''I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God - tender, personal love, '' she remarks to an advisor. ''If you were there, you would have said ''What hypocrisy''
'' The more I want of him- the less I am wanted,''...''Such deep longing for God- and repulsed-empty-no faith-no love-no zeal- [The saving of] souls hold no attraction-Heaven means nothing-pray for me please that I keep smiling at HIM in spite of everything.''
~ Startling for non-Christians perhaps, when they read of the doubts & struggles Mother Teresa had. But ask any honest Christian, and they’d tell you that these dark nights did not belong to Mother Teresa alone. It’s true. Even till today, I still say this prayer that I used to pray every day – “That if I had not known You till today, and I was mistaken of my faith. Let this then be the moment now that I confess and claim You as my Lord, Jesus.”
But one thing i'd add though is that for all the doubts i might have, i'd have the hope of them being answered when i see Him face to face one fine day. Not sure if the answers would matter at that time, but still He remains the only One who has promised to be there at the end- and take me as I am.
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