On weekends or on a holiday, I start the
day wondering "What can we do today? Let’s make a checklist together on what
we are doing today” (homework, cleaning, etc.) It’s a good day when I feel
productive. One Saturday Elliot asked me, “Why
are you scheduling so many things over the weekend? I just want to rest. Why
can’t we just have a Saturday when we’re doing nothing? Why can’t we just
have a weekend where we are not going places and doing things. I just want to sit and read.”
His question got me
thinking.. Why do I feel the compulsion to make a checklist? Why does checking
things off the list make me feel so good and accomplished? Why do I want to fill the weekend with
doing things?
Rest is not doing nothing. Right? I've settled in my mind that rest is
doing something else other than the usual work; just as retirement is just about picking seashells. Weekends are precious times when I don’t have to be doing my day
job, and I want to make the most of it! What's so bad about that?
The other side of the coin however, is that I can also feel like a day is
wasted if I’ve not checked things off the list, and frustrated with the kids of my expectations of what the day looks like is not met. I feel most productive
when I have a checklist and get things done. It’s almost like the worth of
a day or my perception of what is a good day is tied to accomplishing
things. My identity and worth seems to be tied to accomplishments and productivity, more than i'd like to admit.
This causes me to waste moments to rest with and enjoy being with the family.
If I just don’t know how to rest, and I have to fill my time with activities, then my identity is more in the doing and checking off lists rather than the being.. And with this productivity idol, I wonder if I may be functionally believing that my value comes from being able to do something, contribute or be of use to someone else. That I am defined by what I do instead of who I am. It’s sometimes hard to not tie my self worth to what I can do. In the corporate world, you have to list the ways you’ve hit your OKRs (objectives and key results). In each meeting, I think about what I can bring to the table. In each conversation, I think about how I can make a difference. But God is more concerned with who I am rather than what I do. And this extends beyond a weekend checklist, it goes to the core of how I view my identity.
Jesus’ interactions with Mary and
Martha often speaks to me here. This is the account in Luke 10 where Jesus
was at Mary and Martha’s house. Mary was sitting by Jesus’ feet listening
to what He was saying, while Martha was distracted by all the
preparations. And Martha, overwhelmed by all that she has to do, came to
Jesus and said “Why don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the
work by myself? Tell her to help me!” Jesus gently replied Martha, “You
are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed… Mary
has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.”
This account contrasts the busy
Martha and the restful Mary who chose listening to Jesus over working. The
doing vs. being. What would I choose if I were in their shoes? As much as
I would like to choose like Mary did, and I’m definitely more Martha than
Mary. Again serving and doing all the preparations is not a bad thing, but
it’s clear that Martha started to get frustrated with Mary for not helping
her, and even upset with Jesus for not caring enough about her to do
something about that. Have I been in those shoes? Yes!
Jesus gently teaches Martha that she
is distracted, worried and upset about the many less important things,
that are unnecessary. Is it nice to prepare a nice meal or space for
Jesus, yes sure! But it is far better to spend time with Him, sitting by
His feet and be with Him. What Martha does will last for a while and the
moment will pass. But what Mary gains by listening to Jesus will stay with
her forever.
The Gospel and Jesus’ correction of Martha speaks to my
self-centeredness when I get upset with my family for not meeting my
expectations. What would I choose if I have time to rest with my family?
Filling it up with activities or can I focus on just being with them? Is my
heart and mind with them or the checklist I want to accomplish? Am I using the
time to point them to Jesus or have them meet my expectations?
In pointing out that Mary
has chosen what is better, Jesus points out that being with Him and listening
to Him, is more important than doing things for Him. The Gospel is so clear
that my life is not about what I do for God, but what he’s done for me. It
takes faith to believe that my worth is not tied to what I do. He does not see
me and love me for what I can do for Him, but because of who He is!
He loves me out of his character and that love doesn’t
change with me being less productive. My identity is not tied to the number of
items I can cross off on that checklist, but as a child of His. He wants me to
enjoy him and be with Him, to focus on the being than doing. It floors me every time to
think of God saying to me, “Child, you do not have to prove yourself to me. You’re
valuable to me, just as You are – I sent my Son to die for you. Your worth is
defined by Me – I made you, formed you in your mother’s womb, chose You, saved
You.”
And what wonderful news that is! The
productivity idol is insatiable. I can keep doing more, the checklist can get
longer. If my works define me, then I’m never good enough, I’ll never do
enough. Hallelujah that my identity and worth is in Jesus, proven
by His finished work on the cross. I can rest in that. Thank you Jesus! And
help me to keep remembering that!
I still make my lists. But one difference now is that I
don’t let that dictate my day, define the worth of my day or how I’m feeling. This means that when
Elliot asks, “Mom can you play with me?” I can stop and play with him. I can
choose that time with him, prizing that over what I want to get done. And if by
the end of the day, I crossed off only 1 thing on that checklist, or nothing at
all, that’s ok – to give myself grace and not feel frustrated about “a wasted
day”, especially if I’ve chosen to being with my family or a friend, over doing
something.
Not by the lists i've made or mountains climbed
But by I've been crucified with Christ.
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