There are some things I cannot talk about recently without tears welling up- maybe that’s why I choose to stay clear of these conversations for as long as I can help it.
To hide within the curtain- initially set up by fatigue, but subsequently an easy escape, to stay away from lives around me. To face the fears of ministry only when they find me. But truth is also that I am not even sure if I can explain why I’m feeling what I’m feeling.
What He has shown me, I am trying to repent of. The rationalization of my thoughts during this season, keeping Him out of the picture because I think I know the reasons why. My hiding away from Him and assuming His thoughts and response. The anger, frustration, fear and pettiness.
When He sang to me “You'll find no curtain there, No reason left for fear;
There's perfect freedom here To weep every unwept tear”
When He told me “My greatest desire is to be with you”
When He reminded me that “You’re my princess I bought with my crown”
When my heart finally heard Him, I know I have at last been found.
I wish the conference this weekend could be a magical antidote to purge the poison out once for all. But today, I see more clearly that the healing is perhaps still in its infancy. Root cause analysis is satisfactory for head problems, but when it’s a heart problem I am encouraged to hear that- just as the wisdom writings force the wise to see the inadequacy of wisdom, neither would the answers I have suffice.
As Michael Card well puts it “the miracle of Job is the movement of God- when God is moved by Job’s tears and shows up”. And at the end of the day, the hurts do not just go away. His presence will be the only comfort we have now. And we will move on when we are ready with the scars we bear.
p/s: Pardon the incoherence and things in abstract. But to bring you comfort, I am joyfully, gratefully, blissfully married to my 2 husbands- both of whom are kings in their own right.. *winks*
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