Catch 22

A couple of recent happenings made me realize that I am a victim of the free spirit more than I knew I was. I hate being told what to do, I hate having restrictions on my schedules, and I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and how I want to do it. In the least, I want to own my decision- even if it is a decision to be made to be dictated according to some expectations, it was my choice. And I willingly bear all consequence.

Of course I can easily tell how selfish all of the above sounds as it starts with the big I. But yet a part of me contemplates the above in light of the free will that God has given man, right from the start of Eden. How does the above measure up? As I have chosen to follow Him, am I not free to also make a choice in what to do and what not to do? And as He has allowed man to make that choice to de-god Him and suffer the consequence, why do I feel that people are trying to impose upon me what God did not even impose on Adam?

I will willingly bear the label of being a selfish b**** if I were truly so- and I am sure that there are many times when I am worthy of that label. But with every decision, naturally the party’s whose interests has been less than satisfied will feel that the decision is a selfish one- because their interests have been marginalized- pot calling kettle black?

The older child syndrome in me finds it hard to legitimize any decision that benefit only myself. And as God’s child, I see a need to balance the equilibrium in the bigger family when needs are not met. So if I have to juggle between living on earth and living for heaven, my blood and my spiritual family, reaching out & caring for those in the pen, making money & taking care of the big and small things at home, someone who needs to hear some perspective & someone who is just suffering an attention deficit from me- is there a single place where sanity lies? a decision either way will always make the other party feel side-lined. the catch 22 of my life.

I like to clearly know why I feed some expectations, which makes me happy to do so. I have recently owned the decision to fill up water bottles and dry the dishes as part of my duty as a daughter. I am doing it coz I choose to do it, because I love my mum- not because she told me to do it, and it doesn’t matter if no one else in the family cares to do it.

I am rambling now, I really am. I am not tired of life, I have known all the above things long ago. And I thought I have been getting a hang of handling all the expectations that are thrown my way, and handling the negative vibes with loose handles or erected walls. After all, many others have life harder than me. Surely, I screw up sometimes of course but I’ll just try again. And I guess I am pricked some times still- which is good. After all, I am only human.

So my prayer is to embrace this dance of life, dancing about the different roles in the different corners of the stage. All in all, that it’ll be a good dance for my only Audience- who loves me and alone commands my destiny. He has never had a set of formula that He wants me to follow, but I know in His sovereignty, He makes my every move- be it through a burden, a thought, a vibe in my heart, a chance appointment, an unexpected situation or simply the weather. Let me be dancing through life….