选择

“不做选择， 其实也是一种选择” Two different people told me exactly the same thing in less than 12 hours. It is again His usual way of telling me something I need to hear. :p And in light of my current reflections and circumstances, this is more than just food for thought.

Hearing about people who have chosen to leave home for missions in a foreign land have left me wondering if I have ever “made a decision”. All my life, I do not seem to have had “make a choice”. Things unfold and I “just go along” (with some cow sense and godly council of course), and standing some time down the road, I am always blessed with the amazement to see His perfect design every step along the way. Perhaps it’s my bad memory but significant decisions made these 25 years of my life seems far and few between.

Unlike most St.Nick’s girls, I never really WANTED to go Hwa Chong- but because it was the “normal” St. Nick’s choice, I just applied for it~ which turned out to be His provision to bring me to PPC.
Accountancy in NTU was a result of myopia and elimination. I did however appreciated the training the education gave me despite my inability to believe in the man-constructed world of finance, after all it did equip me with the skills I needed to earn my bread. More significantly still, what He has done in those years and the relationships that came along were life-changing.
Then, I never had to go for a single interview for my internship and first job at Ernst & Young, which also meant I never really did have to make a choice about work. Reuters came along as a “chanced upon”, the door opened and I just walked right in.
As surely as He has led the Israelites in the desert for 40 years, He has led me thus far in my life, and I know will continue to do so. The Sovereign Lord is so sovereign over this pathetically small life. (Why You would ever know and love someone like me, I’ll never understand, but I’m amazed, gratefully amazed)

But there has been a nagging in my heart over the past month, if I have ever waited upon Him for anything- to know clearly what He wants me to do or is it always “ok, now He puts me here in such a situation, so what can I do?” I guess theologically this works out in the same vein as man’s free will and pre-destination, and I am not paralyzed with doubts nor fearful of falling out of His will (no one can ever, and I am almost pretty sure He will have His way of having us where He wants us to be at His time). But I have hit this quarter-life crisis that somehow, I have so many big questions I want to wait on Him for.

Ranging from short term ones like- my boss asked me to stay on in BJ for 6 months, should i? (I am resistant to staying for a full 6 months, would 4 months be cool?)
Mid term ones like- I really do want to take time off for theological studies abroad, how would it work out? If I am not able to take one year unpaid leave, then how?
To long term ones - Will I go for full-time paid ministry eventually? Is my current work what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? (much as I enjoy it and am thankful for being able to find some satisfaction in my toil, should I continue to spend time in something I don believe in? An option that popped up recently is to go lecture in a poly~ so I can hone teaching skills which is transferable to ministry, and also the flexible schedule gives time to explore ministry, and most of all be investing my time in something I believe in…)

“不做选择， 其实也是一种选择”- there are a few ways to look at it actually. One is of course that by not making a choice, one may possibly be not ready to take that step to go forward- and therefore the choice has been made for status quo.
But yet also 当你不做选择的时候，你会被选择。 And in cases when one fails to make a choice to stand against the tide of times and the noise of the world, one would be swept away in the waves- falling prey to the demands the world makes upon one and failing the greater joy that lies in the narrow road.

I have been told of the far-fetching consequences of the choices we choose to make in our twenties, and warned with the prospect of hitting mid-life and regretting choices made in days of youth. And I am one who relishes not the prospect of “if-only”s and “have-been”s. Especially having seen the varied lives that people can choose to lead (abandoning the conventional safe road or the glitzy gold), perceived costs no longer seem as hefty- in human eyes. And much less to say choices made, knowing that it will be a journey taken to forming Christ within- even “mistakes” work for our good, what has one to lose?

But of course as David Jackman says, God is often not in as much of a hurry as we are- look at how long He took with Abraham and Moses... So guess it's just being faithful every step along the way that matters. To those whom He has entrusted with visions and big plans, that's His gift to them. To this 小女人 with a bird brain and the sight of a sheep (only seeing the butt of the sheep in front), i can only pray for a healthy dose of cow sense to make a wise choice and a lion's heart to trust His hand in the next step forward.

Another rambling of my thoughts, leaving this open-ended… Am still waiting, will be praying. Not too fazed, but coveting your prayers alongside.